Bless This Mess

Bless This Mess Plot Summary

Introduction

Parenting in today's chaotic world can feel like navigating uncharted waters without a compass. You want to raise children who are spiritually grounded, emotionally intelligent, and morally strong—but how do you accomplish this amid the noise of modern life? When your toddler is having a meltdown, your tween is questioning everything, or your teenager seems to have become an entirely different person overnight, theological discussions might be the last thing on your mind. Yet parenting itself is a deeply spiritual practice, taking us to our highest highs and lowest lows. It challenges us to grow alongside our children as we face difficult conversations about bodies, money, conflict, service, and faith. The beauty lies in embracing the mess—recognizing that perfect parenting doesn't exist, but good-enough parenting certainly does. This journey isn't about having all the right answers or techniques, but about being present, authentic, and willing to learn from both success and failure as you guide your children toward becoming who God intends them to be.

Chapter 1: Discovering Your Child's True Nature

At the heart of faith-centered parenting is a revolutionary concept: our primary job as parents is to discover who our children really are—not who we want them to be. The biblical proverb that guides this approach is "Train children in the right way, and when grown, they will not stray." The original Hebrew suggests that "in the right way" actually means "according to their own nature and temperament." It's about going with the grain of the wood rather than against it. This concept aligns perfectly with psychological research on temperament. Psychologist Jerome Kagan's groundbreaking longitudinal study showed that babies are born with distinct temperamental traits that remain relatively stable over time. About 20 percent of babies are "high-reactive" or intense—they startle easily, cry more often, and are generally less easygoing. Another 40 percent are "low-reactive" or uninhibited—the "easy" babies who seem always smiling and adapt quickly to new situations. The remaining 40 percent fall somewhere in between. The story of Ellen's two sons illustrates this perfectly. When her second son Jonah was born, Ellen woke in panic the first night in the hospital when she hadn't heard a peep from him by 5 a.m. Years earlier, her firstborn Luke could be heard screaming down the hallway every two hours, their "zero-to-sixty" baby. Ellen sometimes feared she was a tone-deaf mother for not being able to figure out her first baby's cries. But when Jonah came along, she realized Luke was just more intense than his little brother—a little more on the inhibited end of the temperamental spectrum. To parent effectively according to your child's temperament, first observe and accept their natural proclivities. If your child is high-reactive, they may need more preparation for transitions and new experiences, but their intensity might also fuel deep thinking and academic achievement. If your child is naturally more easygoing, celebrate their adaptability while ensuring they develop appropriate caution when needed. Remember that temperament is not the same as personality—it's a set of innate proclivities that may or may not be expressed in how a person behaves in the world. Your role is to help your child harness their temperament so they can be the best version of themselves, developing their unique personality to its fullest. The key is to resist the fear that all will end in disaster if we let our kids "be who they are." Trust that your child is still becoming, and you don't yet know what they will grow into. Your job is to discover the person God has given you to raise, going with their grain rather than forcing them into a mold that doesn't fit.

Chapter 2: Building Healthy Relationships through Conflict

Conflict is an inevitable part of family life, from siblings squabbling over toys to teenagers battling for independence. But what if these difficult moments could actually strengthen your family bonds? Healthy conflict, when approached wisely, can teach valuable skills in assertiveness, empathy, and forgiveness—all essential components of spiritual maturity. The biblical command to "honor your father and mother" provides a foundation for understanding parent-child conflict. Psychologists confirm what the Bible suggests: children are not naturally inclined to respect their parents, which is precisely why it was made a commandment. Evolution has programmed children to seek independence—the cave children who ventured just far enough from their parents to learn survival skills were the ones who thrived. Meanwhile, parents evolved to protect and keep children close. This natural tension creates the perfect laboratory for learning relationship skills. Take Molly's experience with her teenage son Rafe. A typical day might find Rafe coming home from school, pretending to start homework, but actually falling down the rabbit hole of YouTube videos. For hours, Molly nudges him with increasing impatience to complete his assignments. He sneaks off for a nap, and despite multiple attempts to wake him (which may include a spray bottle and four-letter words from both parties), he sleeps for two hours. By evening, he's so far behind that he has to skip soccer practice to finish an essay. This pattern repeats day after day. When Ellen analyzed this situation as a psychologist, she asked Molly key questions: "Where is Rafe's intrinsic motivation?" "Why do you care so much about how well he does in school?" "Is there a skill he's lacking that needs support?" These questions revealed that the conflict wasn't just about homework—it was about autonomy, control, and identity formation. The solution lies in what the authors call the "Holy Trinity of Parenting": autonomy support, structure, and involvement. Autonomy support means giving choices and encouraging self-initiation. Structure provides clear expectations and consistent follow-through on consequences. Involvement demonstrates warmth, availability, and knowing what matters most to your child. In practice, this might mean sitting beside your angry child rather than across from them, reflecting back their feelings, reminding them of their choices and the natural consequences, and connecting it all to your family values. This approach creates space for problem-solving rather than power struggles. When conflicts arise, remember that your goal isn't perfect harmony but deeper understanding and growth. Model the forgiveness you hope to see in your children by admitting your own mistakes and asking for forgiveness when you lose your temper. As Jesus taught his disciples to forgive "not seven times, but seventy-seven times," we too must practice this radical grace in our homes.

Chapter 3: Teaching Values Through Money and Possessions

Money is often considered a tender subject, but it's a powerful vehicle for transmitting spiritual values to children. When Molly filled out an online quiz to understand her position in the global economic system, she was shocked to discover that despite having student loan debt and driving a used car, her family was in the top 0.05 percent globally. This stark reality check aligned with biblical teachings that consistently challenge materialism and excess while promoting generosity. Ellen experienced a similar awakening when her six-year-old son Luke asked during a drive past McMansions, "Mom, are we rich?" Her immediate response was "No!" But she quickly corrected herself: "Wait. I take that back. We may not have as much money or stuff as a lot of the people we live near now. But we have a lot more than most people in the world do." These honest conversations form the foundation for teaching children about wealth, sufficiency, and responsibility. The Bible provides clear guidance through the concept of tithing—giving 10 percent of our earnings to religious communities and charitable endeavors. This practice isn't just for evangelicals; it's a spiritual discipline that research shows makes people happier and healthier through what Christian Smith and Hilary Davidson call "the paradox of generosity." To implement these values practically, consider the "Save-Spend-Share" allowance system. Each child's allowance is divided into thirds: a third for savings (for college or a big-ticket item), a third for charitable giving and gifts to family and friends, and a third for spending. This teaches money management while reinforcing the concept that resources are meant to be shared, not just accumulated. Many families struggle with whether to link allowance to chores. The authors suggest keeping them separate—children do chores because they are part of the family and families work together, not because they're being paid. This teaches contribution rather than transaction. However, you might offer opportunities to earn extra money through tasks beyond regular expectations. Perhaps most importantly, parents must model healthy attitudes toward money. When Ellen noticed her eight-year-old Jonah calling her out for having too many Amazon packages arriving, she recognized her own consumer habits were teaching unintended lessons. Children observe whether we live with an abundance or scarcity mindset, how we talk about our financial decisions, and whether our spending aligns with our stated values. The ultimate lesson about money isn't about accumulation but about sufficiency—knowing when enough is enough. Jesus warned against storing up treasures on earth and encouraged giving until it hurts, then giving more until it feels good again. By practicing this countercultural approach to possessions, we teach our children that their security comes not from what they own, but from who they are in God's eyes.

Chapter 4: Creating a Service-Oriented Family

The Way of Jesus is fundamentally about service to others, particularly those different from ourselves. Perhaps no story captures this better than the Good Samaritan—where Jesus reveals that our neighbor isn't just someone who looks, thinks, or believes like us, but anyone in need. How do we instill this other-centered worldview in our children when modern culture often celebrates self-focus and personal achievement? When Peter and Molly were engaged, they spent a year volunteering at Casa San José, an orphanage in Mexico. This experience shaped them profoundly—from struggling with homesickness and cultural adjustments to discovering the joy of teaching children to read and forming lifelong friendships with the Mexican staff. For twenty years afterward, Molly felt homesick for the Casa, which had given her and Peter a spiritual and financial plumb line against which they measured their lives. You may have had similar transformative service experiences before having children. Now, with kids, vacation days are limited and family demands are many. How can you make service a natural part of family life? The key is making kindness a core family value—not just in words but in daily practice. Richard Weissbourd, architect of Harvard's Making Caring Common Project, points out an interesting disconnect: when researchers ask parents what they want most for their children, most say "to be kind." But when they ask children what they think their parents want most for them, they answer "to be happy." This misalignment happens because modern parents often focus extensively on their children's feelings rather than their actions toward others. To correct this imbalance, Weissbourd suggests regularly asking children not only how they feel but how they think their actions make other people feel. Point out the impact of their kindness on others, even when it costs them something. Label the character trait their actions demonstrate: "You are a really kind kid, and you're good with old people." Children are more likely to identify themselves as kind, and continue behaving in ways consistent with that identity, when you name it explicitly. Service opportunities abound, even for busy families. Keep protein bars in your car to hand out at intersections where people are panhandling. Make bag lunches to bring to warming centers in winter. Use your children's "Share" money to buy ingredients for a smoothie stand and donate the proceeds to disaster relief. These low-barrier acts of service teach children to see and respond to needs around them. As children grow, help them move beyond doing for others to doing with others—listening first and responding second. This practice of perspective-taking is especially important when engaging with communities different from your own. Talk explicitly about race, class, and privilege with your children in age-appropriate ways, challenging them to see the humanity in everyone they meet.

Chapter 5: Establishing Sacred Routines and Rituals

Children thrive on routine and ritual. Routines provide soothing structure and foster a sense of self-efficacy and security. When routines are disrupted, it may be a hassle; when rituals are disrupted, family cohesion is threatened. Creating sacred routines transforms ordinary moments into opportunities for spiritual connection. Ellen grew up Catholic, with Sundays as sacred sabbath days. After mass, her extended family would gather at her grandparents' house for homemade pasta, play, and rest that set the rhythm for the week. Now, even when Ellen's family makes it to church on Sundays, it's usually followed by a mad dash to sports games or Costco. How can busy families make time for sabbath while ensuring there's food in the fridge for the week ahead? Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, who wrote "The Sabbath," said, "The one who wants to enter the holiness of the day must first lay down the profanity of clattering commerce, of being yoked to toil." Shabbat, the Hebrew word for sabbath, means literally "stop." This stopping isn't just a guilty pleasure—it's a commandment, one of the ten. God Herself had to rest after creation, enshrining all Creation's need for regular rest. In Molly's neighborhood, a group of families hosted an impromptu happy hour every Friday night. Someone would bring wine or apple cider, someone else hummus or surplus vegetables from their farm share. The kids would disappear to play kick the can in the street or sardines in the basement. The adults would talk about everything: politics, religion, family joys and tensions. One neighbor, when asked where he was headed one evening, replied he was on his way to "well, I guess it's like Shabbat." Practical sabbath observances might include lighting candles, blessing bread, sharing a meal, and limiting work and screens. These simple acts create a palace in time and space where families can connect more deeply. This doesn't mean you need to transform your home into a monastery—even one tech-free family meal per week can become a meaningful ritual. Prayer practices can easily integrate into daily routines. Anne Lamott's "Help, Thanks, Wow" framework offers a simple structure: Help me prayers are requests for assistance; Thank you prayers express gratitude; Wow prayers acknowledge moments of awe and wonder. Molly keeps a centerpiece on her dining table with cards printed with these words, and family members can select whichever card they have a prayer for during mealtime. Other simple practices include Ten-Finger Prayers (ten-word prayers that use up your fingers when counting), Mobile Blessings (praying for people you see while traveling), and bedtime rituals that combine stories, songs, and prayers. These don't require special training or theological expertise—just a willingness to try, even if it feels awkward at first. Remember that children engage with spiritual practices differently based on their temperament and age. Molly's daughter Carmen proudly dons a star costume each year for the Christmas pageant, while her son Rafe reluctantly wears a shepherd's headdress. Ellen's Luke loves dressing up for holy days, while Jonah complains that church makes him physically ill. Treat new spiritual practices like broccoli—encourage sampling before deciding they don't like it, and try again later as their palates may change.

Chapter 6: Navigating Body, Sex, and Substance Conversations

Christianity, contrary to some portrayals, offers a fundamentally body-positive theology. One of the core stories of our sacred texts is that God loved bodies so much, God decided to get one. The Nativity celebrates God with skin on—not an anatomically incomplete Barbie or Ken, but a fully fleshed human being. Jesus reveled in having a body and living life to the fullest, from turning water into wine at weddings to enjoying foot massages from friends. Unfortunately, conventional wisdom often presents a body-negative theology summarized as "Just say no"—no to anything outside marriage, no to the natural appetites and delights of the body. This approach doesn't serve our children well. Research shows that abstinence-only education doesn't reduce sexual activity but does increase risk of STDs and unplanned pregnancy. Similarly, "Just Say No" drug campaigns like D.A.R.E. show little effectiveness in preventing substance use. Ellen grew up in a Catholic family where sex was governed by many spoken and unspoken rules. When sex is defined only as rules without explanation of why they exist, teens make up alternative rules like "I'm not going to wait until marriage, but I have to be in love" or "oral sex isn't really sex." Molly's experience with more progressive parents wasn't much better—her father's awkward three-minute car conversation and her mother's oversharing of personal history both failed to provide useful guidance. A better approach starts with honesty and openness from an early age. Use accurate scientific names for body parts, including intimate ones. Talk about and model consent—teaching children they have permission to say no loudly to adults and other children when they feel unsafe. Explain that sex is both special and fun, meant to be an expression of love that feels good. Remember that these aren't one-time talks but ongoing conversations that evolve as your child grows. When Molly's ten-year-old son started asking higher-level questions in the car—like "What is a blowjob?" and "How do gay people have sex?"—she pushed through her discomfort to provide thoughtful, age-appropriate answers. She explained that feelings get deeply tangled up in sex, that there's a range of sexual behaviors, and that readiness can be gauged by whether you can talk openly with your partner about what you're doing. For conversations about substances, offer nuance rather than absolute prohibitions. Explain that different substances carry different risks, and help your children distinguish between use and abuse. Molly's family allows their children, starting around age eight, to have small amounts of wine at special family dinners. This makes alcohol not an all-or-nothing proposition but a normal part of life—something to be enjoyed responsibly rather than binged on in secret. When discussing bodies, be mindful of your own language and attitudes. Research shows that mothers are the strongest influencers of their daughters' body image—not by what they say to their daughters, but by what they say about themselves. Avoid diet talk and negative comments about your own appearance. Focus instead on health, strength, and appreciating what bodies can do rather than how they look.

Chapter 7: Parenting Through Worry and Crisis

Jesus famously urged in the Sermon on the Mount, "Don't worry about your life" and "don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own." Jesus was great with the Whats ("Do Not Worry!") but not so clear with the How-Tos. The reality is that parenting and worry go hand in hand—as author Elizabeth Stone noted, having a child means "forever having your heart go walking around outside your body." Both authors know worry intimately. Molly has survived cancer and faced the fear of leaving her children motherless. Her daughter Carmen lives with life-threatening food allergies. Ellen has type 1 diabetes and worries about her sons developing the same condition. Through their professional work, they've witnessed parents facing unimaginable crises: children with severe burns, lost limbs, addiction, mental illness, and life-threatening conditions. Jamie's story illustrates the transformative power of accepting what we cannot change. When his youngest son developed a drug addiction and was arrested for theft, Jamie and his wife attended Al-Anon meetings—not to learn how to save their son, but to find a spiritual program for themselves. Jamie discovered that his obsession with his son's life was similar to his son's obsession with substances: "I went to bed worried, I woke up worried, and I was distracted by worry throughout the day." Through Al-Anon, Jamie learned the first step in recovery: admitting powerlessness. This became the beginning of his spiritual journey. He and his wife paid for treatment centers but learned to let go of the outcome. They set boundaries and held fast through relapses and homelessness. Jamie's faith statement evolved from "Everything is going to be all right" to "Everything is going to be all right (but I don't get to determine what all right is)." This surrender to God's definition of "all right" became the foundation of his parenting approach. Tom's story of parenting a transgender child reveals how worry can transform into advocacy and deeper faith. The process of discovering his child's true gender identity was gradual, with moments of worry alongside incredible moments of grace. Tom recognized God's hand in providing a sabbatical that allowed his child to "try on" his gender identity away from home. Chance encounters with supportive individuals and communities seemed divinely orchestrated. While Tom still worries about the bigotry his child will face, his love keeps him strong. He combats fears by speaking out and fighting for the rights of every person to live as their true self. The key to "worrying well" is to focus on what we know today rather than catastrophizing about tomorrow. When Ellen works with parents of children with disabilities who want to know if their child will ever live independently, she reminds them: "We don't have a crystal ball. We just don't know. We can make guesses based on what we do know now, because that's really all we have to work with." Another crucial practice is never worrying alone. Sharing worries with God is prayer; sharing worries with others is a way to get answers to those prayers. Recruit people who know more than you do about whether to worry, when, and how much. Get professional help when needed, and be willing to pursue diagnosis when it provides access to support and resources.

Summary

Embracing the mess of parenting means accepting that there is no neat and tidy ending to this journey. Our children are still becoming, and so are we. The primary task of faith-centered parenting is to get to know and love your children as God does, with all their beauty, flaws, and imperfections. As theologian Richard Rohr noted, both partnering and parenting are a kind of Love School: "Again and again, you must choose to fall into a love that is greater with both friends and children. It is all training for the falling into The Love that is the Greatest." Your next step is simple but profound: observe your child with fresh eyes today. Notice their temperament, their natural inclinations, and how God made them uniquely themselves. Trust that neither "death, nor life, nor angels, nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, nor height nor depths nor anything else in all Creation, will be able to get between us and God's love." When you parent from this place of security rather than fear, you give your children the freedom to become exactly who they were created to be.

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Molly Baskette

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