13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do Plot Summary

Introduction

Life throws challenges at us every day – from minor setbacks to major crises that shake our foundations. In these moments, the difference between those who crumble and those who rise isn't just about intelligence or luck. It's about mental strength. Mental strength isn't something we're born with; it's a set of skills and attitudes we can develop through conscious practice and awareness. Many of us engage in habits that seem harmless but secretly undermine our resilience. We waste energy feeling sorry for ourselves, give away our power to others, or resist necessary changes. We focus on things beyond our control while neglecting what we can influence. The good news is that by identifying these self-sabotaging patterns, we can transform them into strengths. This journey isn't about perfection – it's about progress. By developing mental toughness, you'll not only weather life's storms more effectively but also experience greater fulfillment, deeper relationships, and the confidence to pursue your most meaningful goals.

Chapter 1: Shift from Self-Pity to Gratitude

Self-pity is a powerful emotion that can consume your energy and prevent you from moving forward in life. When you feel sorry for yourself, you're essentially telling yourself that your situation is worse than others and that you deserve better. This mindset keeps you stuck in a victim mentality, preventing you from taking constructive action to improve your circumstances. Consider Jack's story. After being hit by a school bus and breaking both legs, Jack's parents became overprotective. They pulled him from school, homeschooled him, and constantly reminded him that his life would never be the same. They pitied him so much that Jack began to pity himself. He became withdrawn and irritable, a stark contrast to his normally upbeat personality. When Jack's parents took him to therapy, they expected the therapist to feel sorry for him too. Instead, the therapist surprised them by enthusiastically exclaiming, "I've never met a kid who could beat a school bus!" This fresh perspective made Jack smile for the first time since the accident. The therapist helped Jack create a book called "How to Beat a School Bus," where he portrayed himself as a superhero who had survived a mighty battle. She also worked with his parents to help them see Jack as a mentally and physically tough kid capable of overcoming adversity, rather than a victim to be pitied. With this new approach, Jack's parents prepared for his return to school, ensuring that teachers and classmates wouldn't pity him either. Jack shared his book with his classmates, showing them there was no reason to feel sorry for him. To shift from self-pity to gratitude in your own life, start by changing your behavior. When you notice yourself feeling sorry for yourself, do something contrary to how you feel. Volunteer to help others, perform a random act of kindness, or engage in physical activity. These behaviors make it difficult to maintain feelings of self-pity. Next, replace thoughts that encourage self-pity with more realistic ones. Instead of thinking "Nothing ever goes right for me," try "Some things don't go my way, but many things do." The most powerful antidote to self-pity is gratitude. When you focus on what you have rather than what you lack, your perspective shifts dramatically. Keep a gratitude journal, verbally express what you're grateful for each day, or create a family gratitude jar. Research shows that practicing gratitude improves your immune system, reduces stress, and increases positive emotions like happiness and joy. It also enhances your social life, making you more forgiving, outgoing, and generous. Remember that giving up self-pity doesn't mean denying your struggles or pretending everything is fine. It means acknowledging your challenges while choosing to focus on what you can do about them rather than dwelling on how unfair they seem. This shift in mindset will free up your mental energy for growth and positive change.

Chapter 2: Take Control of Your Emotional Power

Giving away your emotional power happens when you allow other people to control how you think, feel, and behave. Lauren was convinced her overbearing mother-in-law, Jackie, was going to ruin her marriage. Jackie made several unannounced visits each week, undermined Lauren's authority with her children, and criticized her parenting style. Lauren would respond with a polite nod and smile, but inside she was seething with resentment. She complained to her husband, who dismissed her concerns, and vented to her girlfriends who nicknamed Jackie the "monster-in-law." When Jackie suggested Lauren should start exercising more because she looked like she had gained weight, Lauren reached her breaking point. She stormed out and spent the night at her sister's. In therapy, Lauren realized she was giving Jackie tremendous power over many areas of her life. Although she only physically spent about five hours a week with her mother-in-law, she devoted at least another five hours thinking and talking about her disdain for Jackie. This exercise helped Lauren see how much power she was giving away. With this new awareness, Lauren worked with her husband to establish healthy boundaries. They told Jackie she could no longer make unannounced visits but would be invited for dinner when they wanted to visit. They informed her she could no longer undermine Lauren's authority as a mother, or she'd be asked to leave. Lauren also stopped complaining about Jackie, recognizing that venting only fueled her frustration and wasted her energy. Gradually, Lauren began to feel like she was regaining control of her life and home. To reclaim your own emotional power, start by identifying the people who have taken it from you. Officer Steven McDonald provides an inspiring example of someone who refused to give away his power. After being shot and paralyzed from the neck down by a fifteen-year-old while working as a New York City police officer, McDonald chose to forgive his assailant rather than harbor resentment. "The only thing worse than a bullet in my spine would have been to nurture revenge in my heart," he said. Though he lost his physical mobility, he didn't allow that violent incident to control his emotional life. Next, reframe your language. Instead of saying "My boss makes me so mad," recognize that your boss behaves in a way you don't like, but doesn't force you to feel anything. Think before you react, as losing your cool gives the other person power over you. Take deep breaths, excuse yourself from the situation, or distract yourself when you feel emotionally reactive. Learn to evaluate feedback critically rather than automatically accepting others' opinions as truth. When you receive criticism, wait before responding and ask yourself: What evidence supports this? What evidence contradicts it? Why might this person be giving me this feedback? Do I want to change any of my behavior based on it? Remember that one person's opinion of you doesn't define your worth. Finally, recognize the choices available to you in every situation. Instead of saying "I have to go to work tomorrow," remind yourself "I choose to go to work because I value the consequences of keeping my job." This simple shift in perspective can be incredibly freeing and empowering. Taking back your power leads to increased happiness, better relationships, less stress, and improved mental health. Research shows that forgiveness, a powerful way of reclaiming your emotional power, reduces stress, increases pain tolerance, and may even help you live longer. By refusing to let others control your emotions, you become the author of your own life story.

Chapter 3: Embrace Change as Opportunity

Change is inevitable, yet many of us resist it fiercely. Richard, a forty-four-year-old shop teacher, found himself seventy-five pounds overweight and recently diagnosed with diabetes. He knew he needed to make lifestyle changes to improve his health, but he struggled to follow through. After throwing away all the junk food in his home, he found himself buying more sweets within two days. He purchased a gym membership but only went twice, feeling too exhausted after work and concerned about not spending enough time with his family. Despite understanding the risks of being overweight and the dangers of unmanaged diabetes, Richard couldn't motivate himself to change his unhealthy habits. The problem was that he was trying to change too much too fast. In therapy, he learned to choose one thing to change at a time. For the first week, he gave up the cookies he usually ate at his desk during the afternoon and replaced them with carrot sticks. He also gained support by attending a diabetes support group and involving his wife in his health journey. She agreed to buy less junk food and work with him on finding healthier recipes. They created a realistic exercise schedule, with Richard committing to go to the gym three days a week. He kept a list of reasons why going to the gym was beneficial in his car, reviewing it when he was tempted to skip his workout. Over the next two months, Richard began losing weight, though his blood sugar remained high. He admitted he was still eating junk food in the evenings while watching TV. To address this, he stored sweet treats in the basement, making them less convenient to reach. This small change made him more likely to choose healthier snacks. As he started making progress, he found it easier to implement more changes. To embrace change in your own life, start by identifying the pros and cons of changing versus staying the same. Create a list of what's good and bad about your current situation, then create another list about the potentially good and bad outcomes of making a change. If you're still ambivalent, try a behavioral experiment. Unless you're dealing with an all-or-nothing change, try something new for one week, then evaluate your progress and motivation. Develop awareness of your emotions about change. Are you nervous the change won't last? Do you feel exhausted at the thought of doing something different? Are you worried about your ability to follow through? Once you identify your emotions, you can decide whether it makes sense to act contrary to them. Sometimes you have to be willing to change even when you don't "feel like it." Manage negative thoughts that may hold you back, such as "This will never work" or "I can't handle doing something different." Just because you think something will be difficult doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Often, the best things in life come from conquering challenges through hard work. Create a successful plan for change by establishing concrete behavior changes you can make each day, anticipating obstacles, establishing accountability, and monitoring your progress. Finally, behave like the person you want to become. If you want to be healthier, start acting like a healthy person by eating nutritious foods and engaging in physical activity. Embracing change, rather than shying away from it, opens doors to new opportunities and personal growth. Judge Greg Mathis transformed his life from a teenage gang member to a respected judge by embracing change. When you practice adapting to small changes, you'll be better prepared to handle the inevitable larger changes that life brings your way.

Chapter 4: Focus Only on What You Can Control

James entered therapy because he was upset about his ongoing custody battle with his ex-wife, Carmen. After three years of legal struggles, the judge had given primary custody to Carmen, allowing James visitation on Wednesday evenings and weekends. James was outraged by this decision, convinced he was the better parent. He believed Carmen was trying to upstage him and win their daughter's favor by throwing lavish birthday parties, buying expensive gifts, and taking her on extravagant vacations. He also disapproved of Carmen's parenting style, which allowed their daughter to stay up late, play outside alone, and eat junk food. James had tried talking to Carmen about his concerns many times, but she made it clear she wasn't interested in his opinion. He even told Carmen he had seen her boyfriend with another woman, hoping they would break up. His plan backfired when she threatened to get a restraining order if he didn't leave her alone. James initially sought therapy not for emotional support but as a legal ally, hoping for a letter to the court outlining why he should have full custody. When asked how effective his previous attempts to change the judge's mind had been, James acknowledged that the custody order would remain in place regardless of his feelings. He also admitted he hadn't been able to convince Carmen to make any changes despite his intense efforts. During subsequent sessions, James realized how his attempts to control the situation were negatively affecting his daughter. Instead of enjoying their time together, he grilled her with questions about what was happening at her mother's house and spent their outings texting angry messages to Carmen. By the third session, James had an epiphany: "I should have focused on having fun with my daughter when we went whale watching, rather than spending the entire trip texting angry messages to her mother." He recognized that although he didn't agree with some of Carmen's rules, dragging her back to court repeatedly wouldn't help resolve the situation. Instead, he decided to focus his energy on being the best role model he could be for their daughter. To develop a balanced sense of control in your own life, start by identifying your fears. Heather Von St. James, diagnosed with mesothelioma when her daughter was just three months old, faced the fear of her cancer returning by writing those fears on a plate and symbolically smashing it into a fire during her annual "Lung Leavin' Day" celebration. "Cancer leaves you feeling so out of control," she acknowledges. By identifying what scared her most and recognizing those things were not within her control, she could focus on what she did control—living every day to the fullest. Next, focus on what you can control, bearing in mind that sometimes the only thing you can control is your behavior and attitude. You can't control what happens to your luggage once you hand it to an airline employee, but you can control what you pack in your carry-on bag. By focusing on what you can control, it becomes much easier to let go of worrying about what you can't. Learn to influence people without trying to control them. Listen first and speak second. Share your opinion and concerns, but only share them once. Change your behavior rather than trying to force others to change. Point out the positive when someone makes a genuine effort to create change. Finally, practice acceptance. Even though you might not like your current situation, you can choose to accept it. You can accept that your boss is mean or that your mother doesn't approve of you. That doesn't mean you can't work toward influencing them by changing your behavior, but it does mean you can stop trying to force them to be different. Giving up control over things you can't influence will make you stronger. It leads to increased happiness, better relationships, less stress, new opportunities, and more success. Research shows that people with a balanced sense of control—who understand they can take steps to control their lives while also recognizing their limitations—are happier than those who think they can control everything.

Chapter 5: Set Boundaries Without Fear of Rejection

Megan entered therapy feeling stressed out and overwhelmed. At thirty-five, she was married with two young children, worked part-time, taught Sunday school, and led a Girl Scout troop. Despite striving to be a good wife and mother, she felt she wasn't doing enough and often found herself irritable toward her family. As Megan shared more about her life, it became clear she was a woman who couldn't say no. Church members frequently called her on Saturday nights asking her to bake muffins for Sunday services. Parents from her Girl Scout troop sometimes relied on her to drive their children home. She regularly babysat for her sister's kids and helped her cousin with various last-minute problems. Megan's number one rule was to never say no to family, so she automatically agreed to their requests, even when it meant missing dinner with her own husband and children. Megan's biggest fear was that others would think she was selfish if she refused their requests. However, after a few therapy sessions, she began to recognize that her need to always be liked was actually more selfish than saying no. Helping others wasn't really about improving their lives; she was giving of herself because she wanted to be held in higher regard. Once she changed her perspective on people-pleasing, she could begin changing her behavior. It took practice for Megan to start saying no. She wasn't even sure how to do it without providing a lengthy excuse. She learned to simply say, "No, I'm not able to do that," without elaboration. As she practiced saying no, it became easier. Although she had imagined people would become angry with her, they didn't seem to mind. The more time she spent with her family, the less irritable she felt, and her stress level decreased. To avoid people-pleasing in your own life, first determine who you want to please. Jim Buckmaster, CEO of Craigslist, demonstrates this principle well. While other websites capitalized on advertising, Buckmaster kept Craigslist simple, charging for only a few specific listings despite criticism. By not trying to please his critics, Buckmaster kept the company focused on serving its purpose, building a business now estimated to be worth at least $5 billion. Next, clarify your values. Pick your top five values in life and rank them in order of importance. Then assess whether you're actually living according to those values. How much of your time, money, energy, and skill is devoted to each one? Where on your list does pleasing people fall? It should never be at the top. Take time to decide whether to say yes or no when asked to do something. Develop a script like Megan did: "Let me see what I have going on and I'll get back to you." This buys you time to evaluate the request. Ask yourself: Is this something I want to do? What will I have to give up by doing this? What will I gain? How will I feel if I do it? Practice behaving assertively. Confrontation doesn't have to be bad or scary. In fact, assertive discussions can improve relationships. Speak up if someone takes advantage of you and ask for what you need. Use "I" statements, such as "I'm frustrated that you're always thirty minutes late," instead of "You're never on time." Accepting that you can't please everyone makes you stronger. Mose Gingerich, raised in an Amish community, made the difficult decision to leave despite knowing he would never again be allowed contact with anyone in the community, including his mother and siblings. He chose to live according to his own values rather than trying to please everyone. "This world is what one makes of it, and that one makes what one chooses. And those choices were mine," he explains. When you stop worrying about pleasing everyone, your self-confidence will soar, you'll have more time and energy for your goals, you'll feel less stressed, you'll establish healthier relationships, and you'll have increased willpower. Research shows people have much more willpower when making choices on their own accord rather than attempting to please others.

Chapter 6: Take Calculated Risks with Confidence

Dale had worked as a high school shop teacher for almost thirty years. Although he liked his job, he wasn't passionate about it anymore and dreamed about opening his own furniture store. When he shared this idea with his wife, she rolled her eyes and called him a dreamer. Dale felt she was probably right and resigned himself to continuing as a teacher until retirement, even though he felt burned out and ineffective. As Dale trudged on, he became depressed and sought counseling. During therapy, it became clear that despite agreeing with his wife that entrepreneurship was too risky, Dale still yearned to start his own business. Years ago, he had invested in real estate and lost money, making him afraid to take any financial risks since then. After several therapy sessions, Dale confessed that while he'd love to start a business, he was terrified of giving up a stable job. He was confident in his woodworking skills but lacked business knowledge. They discussed steps Dale could take to educate himself about the business world. He welcomed the opportunity to take business classes at the local community college, join a business networking group, and look for a mentor. Within a few weeks, Dale made a decision—he would open his business on a part-time basis, making furniture on nights and weekends in his garage. He already had much of what he needed to get started and could begin with relatively little investment. Initially, he would sell his furniture online and through the newspaper, considering a storefront only if there was significant interest. Dale's mood improved dramatically once he began turning his dream into reality. Interestingly, he also started enjoying teaching shop class more than ever before. The prospect of opening his own business had rekindled his passion for teaching, and he was excited to share what he was learning with his students. He planned to continue building furniture part-time while maintaining his teaching career. To calculate risks and reduce fear in your own life, start by balancing emotion with logic. Don't let your anxiety level be the deciding factor in risk assessment. Our feelings about risk are often unreliable. For example, many people fear flying but choose to drive long distances instead, even though statistically, the odds of dying in a car crash are around 1 in 5,000, while the odds of dying in a plane crash are closer to 1 in 11 million. Research shows we're generally poor at accurately calculating risk. We overestimate our control in some situations and behave more recklessly when safety measures are in place. We don't recognize the difference between skill and chance, are influenced by superstitious beliefs, and become easily deluded by potentially large payoffs. We also grow comfortable with familiar risks and place too much faith in others' risk perceptions. To minimize risk and maximize success, ask yourself these questions: What are the potential costs? What are the potential benefits? How will this help me achieve my goal? What are the alternatives? How good would it be if the best-case scenario came true? What is the worst thing that could happen and how could I reduce that risk? How bad would it be if the worst-case scenario did come true? How much will this decision matter in five years? Practice taking risks to build your confidence. Albert Ellis, once named "the greatest living psychologist," overcame his fear of rejection by challenging himself to speak to women at a botanical garden every day for a month. Of the 130 women he approached, 30 immediately walked away. Of the 100 he invited on a date, only one said yes—and she didn't show up. Yet this experience taught Ellis he could tolerate rejection, helping him develop therapy techniques that would benefit countless others. Taking calculated risks makes you stronger and opens doors to new opportunities. Richard Branson, founder of the Virgin Group, built his empire through strategic risk-taking. "Taking chances is a great way to test myself and our group, and also push boundaries while having fun together," Branson explains. His risks are "strategic judgments, not blind gambles." Success won't find you—you have to pursue it by stepping into the unknown with carefully calculated risks.

Chapter 7: Learn from Failure Instead of Quitting

Susan sought counseling because she felt her life wasn't as fulfilling as it should be. Despite being happily married with a beautiful two-year-old daughter and a stable job as a school receptionist, something was missing. During therapy, Susan revealed that she had always wanted to be a teacher. After high school, she'd gone to college to study education, but homesickness, shyness, and overwhelming coursework led her to drop out halfway through her first semester. She got a job as a school receptionist and had worked there ever since, believing it was as close to teaching as she'd ever get. When the therapist first suggested going back to college, Susan insisted she was too old. However, she changed her mind after seeing a news headline about a woman who earned her high school diploma at age ninety-four. As they explored what held Susan back, they discovered a pattern: whenever she wasn't successful on her first attempt at anything, she gave up. When she didn't make her high school basketball team, she quit playing sports. When she regained weight after dieting, she stopped trying to lose weight. The therapist encouraged Susan to look into college options, even if she never planned to attend. She was pleased to discover many alternatives to being a full-time student, including online classes that wouldn't require much time away from her family. Within weeks, she enrolled in part-time online courses. Soon after beginning classes, Susan announced that she'd found what was missing in her life. Simply working toward a new professional goal provided the challenge she needed to feel fulfilled. To avoid giving up after failure, start by identifying beliefs that prevent you from trying again. Research contradicts many common assumptions about failure and success. Deliberate practice is more important than natural talent—after ten years of daily practice, people can surpass those with natural talent in chess, sports, music, and the visual arts. Grit (perseverance and passion for long-term goals) is a better predictor of success than IQ. And attributing failure to a lack of ability leads to learned helplessness, where you give up or wait for someone else to solve your problems. Change the way you think about failure by replacing irrational thoughts with more realistic ones. Instead of thinking "Failure is unacceptable" or "I failed because I'm bad," remind yourself that "Failure is often part of the journey to success" and "I can learn from my failures." Self-compassion—viewing your failures kindly yet realistically—may be key to reaching your potential. Research shows students who took a self-compassionate view of their failure studied 25 percent longer and scored higher on subsequent tests compared to those who focused on boosting their self-esteem. Face your fear of failure by recognizing that rejection and setbacks aren't the worst things that could happen to you. Rob, a pilot in the 1960s, would greet every man stepping off a commercial plane with "Great to meet you, Mr. Smith" until he found his actual passenger. While many would be embarrassed by greeting strangers incorrectly, Rob wasn't afraid of failing repeatedly until he succeeded. When your efforts aren't successful, evaluate what happened and create a new plan. Milton Hershey, founder of the Hershey Chocolate Company, failed multiple times before achieving success. His first candy company went bankrupt, and a second venture in New York City failed due to lack of funding and too much competition. But Hershey didn't give up. He moved back to Pennsylvania, opened a caramel company, and eventually sold it to focus on chocolate manufacturing. His ability to learn from his mistakes helped him transform from running failed candy businesses to owning the world's largest chocolate company. Learning from failure builds character by challenging you in new ways. It helps you identify areas that need work and discover hidden strengths. Understanding that you'll be okay even if you fail repeatedly offers peace and contentment. You'll no longer worry about being the best or achieving the most to feel worthy. Instead, you can rest assured that with each failure, you're becoming better and stronger.

Summary

Mental strength isn't something we're born with—it's a set of skills we develop through consistent practice and awareness. Throughout this journey, we've explored how to shift from self-pity to gratitude, take control of our emotional power, embrace change, focus on what we can control, set healthy boundaries, take calculated risks, and learn from failure instead of quitting. As Lawrence Lemieux, the Olympic sailor who gave up his medal chances to rescue competitors in distress, demonstrated: "Mental strength isn't about having to be the best at everything. It's about knowing that you'll be okay no matter what happens." Your path to mental strength begins with a single step today. Choose one area where you feel most vulnerable—perhaps you tend to dwell on the past or expect immediate results—and commit to practicing a new response this week. Remember that developing mental strength isn't about perfection but progress. With each small victory over self-defeating habits, you build the resilience to face life's challenges with confidence and clarity. The strength you seek isn't waiting in some distant future; it's available to you right now, in this moment, through the choices you make.

About Author

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Amy Morin

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist and the award-winning host of Mentally Stronger, one of the top health podcasts in the world.She's an international bestselling author of five books on mental strength. Her books, including 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, have been translated into more than 40 languages.Forbes calls her a "thought leadership star" and The Guardian dubbed her "the self-help guru of the moment."

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