Brave, Not Perfect

Brave, Not Perfect Plot Summary

Introduction

From a young age, girls learn that perfection is the golden standard. They're conditioned to play it safe, follow rules, and avoid failure at all costs. This programming follows women into adulthood, creating a crippling fear of making mistakes that prevents them from taking risks, speaking up, and pursuing their dreams. While boys are taught to be adventurous and resilient in the face of failure, girls are rewarded for being compliant, polite, and flawless. This exploration of the pursuit of perfection versus bravery offers a roadmap for breaking free from fear-based decision making. Through personal stories, research, and practical strategies, we discover how women can rewire their brains to embrace imperfection and cultivate courage instead. The journey from perfectionism to bravery isn't about eliminating fear but about acting despite it—taking risks, allowing vulnerability, and transforming failures into stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks. By understanding how we've been conditioned and actively practicing bravery in everyday moments, women can reclaim their power, voice, and authentic path.

Chapter 1: The Perfect Girl Syndrome: How Women Are Conditioned for Perfection

The perfect girl syndrome begins early in childhood, when girls absorb hundreds of subtle messages about how they should behave. They're praised for being nice, polite, and helpful, while simultaneously being protected from taking risks or experiencing failure. Parents and teachers guide them toward activities they excel at and away from those that might lead to frustration or disappointment. This well-intentioned protection creates a foundation for perfectionism that follows them throughout their lives. Boys, in contrast, are encouraged to explore, play rough, and get back up when they fall down. Research shows that parents provide more hands-on assistance and cautionary words to daughters, while sons receive encouragement from afar and are left to tackle physical challenges independently. This differentiated treatment teaches boys to embrace risk and be unfazed by failure, while girls learn to prioritize safety and perfection. By around age eight, this programming becomes cemented. Girls develop an inner critic that tells them they aren't good enough, and they begin to internalize the belief that ability and agility matter. They start comparing themselves to others and develop a sharp radar for how they measure up in terms of appearance, intelligence, and popularity. This is also when they begin to equate getting anything less than an A with being "bad" at something, leading them to avoid subjects or activities they don't immediately excel in. This conditioning shapes how girls interact with the world. They scramble to give the "right" answer rather than expressing their genuine thoughts. They say yes to requests even when they want to say no. They downplay their accomplishments to avoid seeming conceited. They silence their voices for fear of being labeled bossy or aggressive. By the time they reach adulthood, these behaviors are so deeply ingrained that they feel like natural parts of their personality rather than learned responses. The consequences extend to academic and professional choices. Girls avoid classes they're interested in if they aren't certain they can get high grades. They won't volunteer answers unless they're 100% sure they're correct. When facing criticism, they internalize it as condemnation rather than seeing it as an opportunity for growth. These patterns explain why many women apply for jobs only when they meet 100% of the qualifications, while men apply when they meet just 60%. The perfect girl syndrome isn't just about parental influence; it's reinforced by media, toys, peer expectations, and countless daily interactions that teach girls to value pleasing others over pleasing themselves. Understanding these origins is the first step toward unlearning perfectionism and embracing the courage to be imperfect.

Chapter 2: The Cost of Perfectionism: When Safety Sabotages Growth

Perfectionism exacts a tremendous toll on women's lives, careers, and mental health. What begins as a strategy for gaining approval and avoiding criticism ultimately becomes a prison that limits potential and stifles joy. The relentless pursuit of flawlessness creates a paradox: the very traits that earn gold stars in school—being meticulous, accommodating, and risk-averse—become liabilities in adulthood. One significant cost is career limitation. Women pass up opportunities for advancement because they fear not having all the necessary qualifications or experience. They remain in roles they've outgrown because they're "good at them," rather than pursuing positions that might stretch their abilities and bring greater satisfaction. In meetings, they refrain from sharing ideas until they're fully formed, often finding that a male colleague has already voiced a similar thought. Perfectionism drives them to overprepare, overthink, and overwork, yet still feel they haven't done enough. Relationships suffer as well. The need to appear flawless creates barriers to authentic connection. Women who maintain a veneer of perfection—whether as partners, mothers, or friends—deny others access to their true selves. They struggle to be vulnerable, admit mistakes, or ask for help, fearing that revealing any weakness will result in rejection. This façade of having it all together creates isolation precisely when support is most needed. The mental health impact is equally devastating. Perfectionism correlates strongly with anxiety, depression, and burnout. The constant self-criticism and rumination drain emotional energy that could otherwise be directed toward creativity and growth. Women report losing sleep over minor errors, agonizing over whether they've offended someone, and feeling intense guilt when they fail to meet impossibly high standards. Studies show that while women's opportunities have expanded over recent decades, their happiness has declined—a phenomenon researchers attribute partly to increased pressure to excel in all domains simultaneously. Physically, perfectionism takes a toll through stress-related illnesses, disrupted sleep, and neglect of self-care. When every moment must be productive, rest becomes an indulgence rather than a necessity. The drive to maintain a perfect appearance leads many women to unhealthy behaviors, with studies showing that up to 80% are dissatisfied with their bodies regardless of their actual size or shape. Perhaps most insidious is how perfectionism sabotages authentic purpose. Women find themselves on paths they never consciously chose, pursuing goals that reflect others' expectations rather than their own desires. They become so focused on doing everything right that they lose sight of whether they're doing the right things. The fear of making a wrong move prevents them from making any move at all, resulting in unfulfilled dreams and unexplored potential.

Chapter 3: Redefining Bravery: Beyond Physical Risk-Taking

Bravery has traditionally been associated with physical courage—running into burning buildings, jumping out of airplanes, or facing dangerous situations. This narrow definition has perpetuated the myth that bravery is primarily a male trait, rooted in testosterone and evolutionary biology. However, this perspective fails to acknowledge the myriad ways courage manifests in everyday life, particularly for women who face different challenges and societal expectations. True bravery encompasses far more than physical risk-taking. It includes speaking truth to power, standing up for one's convictions despite opposition, and making difficult choices that align with personal values rather than external approval. It involves emotional courage—being vulnerable, expressing authentic feelings, and allowing oneself to be seen fully, flaws and all. It requires intellectual courage—questioning assumptions, challenging prevailing wisdom, and pursuing knowledge even when it contradicts comfortable beliefs. For women specifically, bravery often means defying the perfect girl programming. It's saying no without excessive apology or explanation. It's speaking up in meetings when your idea isn't fully formed. It's applying for positions where you meet most but not all qualifications. It's setting boundaries with family members who expect unlimited emotional labor. These acts may not appear heroic by conventional standards, but they require genuine courage in the face of lifelong conditioning. Bravery is also context-specific. What feels terrifying to one person might be easy for another, based on their unique experiences and fears. For someone with social anxiety, attending a networking event alone might require more courage than public speaking would for an extrovert. For a woman who has always prioritized others' needs, putting herself first—even in small ways—can be profoundly brave. Women demonstrate courage daily in ways that often go unrecognized. The single mother who leaves an abusive relationship with no financial safety net. The employee who reports workplace harassment knowing it might cost her job. The entrepreneur who launches a business despite limited resources. The woman who chooses not to have children despite societal pressure. The cancer patient who faces treatment with dignity while supporting her family through their fear. These examples illustrate that bravery isn't absent in women—it simply manifests differently. Redefining bravery means acknowledging its many dimensions beyond the physical. It means recognizing that courage can be quiet as well as loud, private as well as public, gradual as well as sudden. By expanding our understanding of what constitutes brave behavior, we create space for everyone to recognize and cultivate their own unique form of courage.

Chapter 4: The Courage to Be Imperfect: Embracing Failure as Growth

Embracing imperfection represents a fundamental shift in mindset—from viewing mistakes as catastrophic to seeing them as essential components of growth. This transformation begins with recognizing that perfection is neither attainable nor desirable. The pursuit of flawlessness doesn't lead to excellence; instead, it creates paralysis, preventing action until conditions seem ideal, which they never truly are. The courage to be imperfect involves distinguishing between excellence and perfectionism. Excellence means striving to do your best while accepting that your best will vary day to day. It focuses on improvement rather than an arbitrary standard of flawlessness. Perfectionism, conversely, sets impossible standards that inevitably lead to feelings of inadequacy. When we pursue excellence instead of perfection, we can take pride in our achievements without being devastated by minor flaws or setbacks. Developing comfort with failure represents a crucial aspect of this courage. Failures provide valuable data about what works and what doesn't—information that can guide future attempts. In innovation hubs like Silicon Valley, failure is celebrated as an essential part of the creative process. The mantra "fail early, fail often" acknowledges that breakthroughs rarely happen without multiple unsuccessful attempts preceding them. Women who can adopt this perspective free themselves from the paralysis of perfection. The courage to be imperfect also means acknowledging our humanity. It involves showing vulnerability—admitting when we don't know something, asking for help when needed, and being honest about our struggles. This authenticity creates deeper connections with others who may be experiencing similar challenges but hiding behind their own façades of perfection. When we reveal our imperfections, we give others permission to do the same. Letting go of perfectionism opens space for risk-taking. When we're not consumed with avoiding mistakes, we can pursue opportunities that might stretch our abilities but also lead to greater rewards. Whether it's changing careers, starting a business, learning a new skill, or expressing an unpopular opinion, embracing imperfection allows us to act despite uncertainty about the outcome. Perhaps most importantly, the courage to be imperfect involves self-compassion. It means treating ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a friend who made a mistake. Rather than harsh self-criticism, we practice understanding and forgiveness. We recognize that mistakes don't define our worth or capabilities—they simply provide opportunities to learn and grow. This compassionate approach doesn't lower standards; instead, it creates a supportive internal environment that makes high achievement more sustainable and fulfilling.

Chapter 5: Building Bravery Muscles: Practical Strategies for Daily Courage

Building bravery requires consistent practice, much like developing physical strength. Each small act of courage strengthens our "bravery muscles," making the next challenge easier to face. This process begins with maintaining physical and emotional well-being—ensuring adequate sleep, exercise, and self-care. When we're depleted, fear feels more overwhelming and courage more elusive. A crucial strategy involves adopting a growth mindset rather than a fixed one. Instead of declaring "I'm not brave" or "I'm not good at saying no," we can add "yet" to these statements. This simple addition transforms limitation into possibility and acknowledges that courage can be developed over time. It shifts focus from innate traits to learnable skills, empowering us to work toward becoming braver rather than accepting fear as permanent. Exposure therapy provides another effective approach. By deliberately seeking small doses of what frightens us, we gradually desensitize ourselves to those fears. This might mean asking for feedback we'd typically avoid, sending an email with a minor error rather than obsessively proofreading, or allowing ourselves to be seen in public without perfect makeup. These exercises demonstrate that imperfection rarely leads to catastrophe, helping us distinguish between genuine threats and anxiety-driven false alarms. Setting daily bravery challenges creates momentum. These needn't be dramatic—they might involve speaking up in a meeting, trying a new activity where you lack natural talent, or having a difficult conversation you've been postponing. The key is consistency; each small act of courage builds confidence for larger ones later. Many women find that tracking these challenges in a journal reinforces progress and provides encouragement during inevitable setbacks. Practicing rejection resilience specifically counters perfectionist tendencies. This might involve applying for positions where acceptance isn't guaranteed, pitching ideas that might be declined, or asking for what you want despite possible refusal. Some entrepreneurs even set "rejection quotas," requiring themselves to be turned down a certain number of times each month. This approach normalizes rejection as part of any growth process rather than treating it as evidence of inadequacy. Physical challenges particularly help build bravery. Activities that involve bodily risk—like learning to surf, taking a dance class, or trying rock climbing—translate into psychological courage. The experience of falling, getting back up, and improving gradually rewires our response to failure in all areas of life. These activities also connect us with our physical strength, countering messages about female fragility. Surrounding ourselves with brave role models accelerates growth. When we see others taking risks and surviving failures, our own courage expands. Creating communities where vulnerability is valued allows women to share both successes and setbacks, normalizing imperfection and celebrating progress. These connections remind us that courage isn't about the absence of fear but about moving forward despite it.

Chapter 6: Nix the Need to Please: Setting Boundaries and Speaking Up

The compulsion to please others forms a fundamental pillar of female socialization. From early childhood, girls learn that their value lies in being agreeable, helpful, and accommodating. This programming creates women who habitually say yes to requests, avoid confrontation at all costs, and silence their authentic voices to maintain harmony. Breaking free from this need to please represents one of the most challenging—and liberating—aspects of developing bravery. Setting boundaries begins with recognizing that saying no isn't selfish or unkind—it's necessary for maintaining physical and emotional health. Every yes comes at a cost, whether in time, energy, or opportunity. When women consistently prioritize others' needs above their own, they deplete resources needed for their own well-being and goals. Learning to evaluate requests based on personal values rather than external expectations allows for more intentional choices about where to invest limited resources. Speaking up requires overcoming deep-seated fears about being disliked or labeled difficult. Women often mentally catastrophize about consequences—imagining that expressing disagreement will lead to rejection, damaged relationships, or career penalties. When these fears arise, examining them critically helps reveal their irrationality. Asking "What's the worst that could happen?" and then "How likely is that outcome?" puts concerns in perspective. The temporary discomfort of assertiveness rarely matches the long-term discomfort of remaining silent. The courage to be direct counteracts women's tendency toward excessive qualification and apology. Phrases like "I'm sorry, but..." or "This might be wrong, but..." diminish impact before words are even spoken. Practicing clear, concise communication—without hedging or undermining—amplifies influence in professional and personal settings. This directness feels uncomfortable initially but becomes easier with practice. Self-trust serves as a crucial foundation for nixing the need to please. Women often defer to external opinions rather than honoring their internal wisdom. Learning to distinguish between others' expectations and personal values clarifies when compromise serves genuine connection versus when it constitutes self-betrayal. Building this discernment requires regularly checking in with bodily sensations and emotional responses, which often signal discomfort before conscious awareness emerges. Embracing the possibility of being disliked liberates women from the prison of people-pleasing. Not everyone will appreciate directness, boundary-setting, or prioritization of personal needs. However, authenticity attracts connections based on genuine compatibility rather than performance. The approval of those who value an accommodating façade matters less than finding relationships where true self-expression is welcomed. Making requests represents the flip side of setting boundaries. Many women struggle not only with saying no but also with asking for what they need—whether a raise, help with childcare, or personal time. Practicing direct requests without excessive justification or apology builds confidence. Starting small—requesting a better table at a restaurant or asking a colleague for assistance—creates momentum for larger asks.

Chapter 7: Team Brave: Creating a Supportive Community of Women

Building a community of support transforms individual bravery into collective power. When women band together to encourage each other's courage, they create an environment where taking risks becomes normalized rather than exceptional. This solidarity counteracts the competitive dynamics that perfectionism often fosters, replacing judgment with genuine support. The first step in creating this community involves vulnerability—showing the mess behind the scenes rather than maintaining a polished façade. When accomplished women reveal their struggles, doubts, and failures alongside their successes, they dismantle the myth of effortless perfection. This transparency creates space for authentic connection based on shared humanity rather than comparison and competition. It demonstrates that no one achieves success without setbacks, making bravery seem more accessible to everyone. Mentorship plays a crucial role in Team Brave. Women who have navigated particular challenges can guide others facing similar situations, sharing strategies that worked and pitfalls to avoid. This guidance reduces the isolation that often accompanies stepping outside comfort zones. Importantly, effective mentorship flows in multiple directions—senior women can learn from younger colleagues' fresh perspectives just as newer professionals benefit from experienced mentors' wisdom. Celebrating each other's brave acts amplifies their impact. When a woman takes a risk—whether speaking up in a hostile environment, pursuing an ambitious goal, or setting a difficult boundary—acknowledgment from her community validates that choice. This recognition creates positive reinforcement, making the next brave act easier. It also establishes new norms around what constitutes success, shifting focus from perfect outcomes to courageous processes. Creating spaces where failure is normalized helps women develop resilience. Some organizations implement rituals like "failure parties" where team members share unsuccessful attempts and what they learned. These practices transform shame into shared experience and reframe setbacks as valuable data rather than personal flaws. They acknowledge that innovation and growth require experimentation, which inevitably includes unsuccessful attempts. Calling out perfectionism when it appears prevents it from undermining collective progress. When a woman diminishes her accomplishments, apologizes unnecessarily, or expresses unreasonable self-criticism, gentle feedback helps her recognize these patterns. Similarly, when systemic barriers reinforce perfectionist standards—like penalizing women for assertiveness while requiring it for advancement—naming these contradictions creates awareness that can lead to change. Advocacy extends Team Brave beyond immediate circles. When women support policies that reduce barriers to participation—flexible work arrangements, paid family leave, accessible childcare—they create conditions where more diverse voices can contribute. These structural changes make individual bravery more sustainable by acknowledging the contexts in which courage occurs. Ultimately, Team Brave represents a fundamental shift from competition to collaboration. Rather than viewing other women's success as threatening, this community recognizes that each brave act creates space for others to follow. By lifting each other up rather than tearing each other down, women build collective power that transforms not only individual lives but also the systems and structures that have perpetuated perfectionism.

Summary

The journey from perfectionism to bravery transforms women's relationship with failure, risk, and authenticity. By understanding how early conditioning teaches girls to prioritize pleasing others and avoiding mistakes, women can begin to dismantle these patterns and build new neural pathways centered on courage. This shift doesn't happen overnight; it requires consistent practice, self-compassion during inevitable setbacks, and community support to sustain momentum. What emerges from this transformation isn't recklessness or abandonment of standards, but rather a more balanced approach to achievement and self-worth. Women who embrace bravery make choices aligned with their authentic values rather than external expectations. They pursue excellence without demanding perfection. They speak their truth, set boundaries, and take meaningful risks. Most importantly, they redefine success on their own terms, measuring it by fulfillment and impact rather than flawlessness. This approach not only enhances individual women's lives but creates ripple effects through families, workplaces, and communities—proving that the most powerful form of influence comes not from projecting an image of perfection, but from modeling the courage to be gloriously, productively imperfect.

About Author

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Reshma Saujani

Reshma Saujani is the Founder and CEO of Girls Who Code, a national non-profit organization working to close the gender gap in technology and change the image of what a programmer looks like and does. With their 7-week Summer Immersion Program, 2-week specialized Campus Program, after school Clubs, and a 13-book New York Times best-selling series, they are leading the movement to inspire, educate, and equip young women with the computing skills to pursue 21st century opportunities. By the end of the 2018 academic year, Girls Who Code will have reached over 50 thousand girls in all 50 states and several US territories. The results speak for themselves: 88% of alumni have declared a CS major/minor or are more interested in CS because of Girls Who CodeReshma began her career as an attorney and activist. In 2010, she surged onto the political scene as the first Indian American woman to run for U.S. Congress. During the race, Reshma visited local schools and saw the gender gap in computing classes firsthand, which led her to start Girls Who Code. She has also served as Deputy Public Advocate for New York City and ran a spirited campaign for Public Advocate in 2013.Reshma’s TED talk, “Teach girls, bravery not perfection,” has more than three million views and has sparked a national conversation about how we’re raising our girls. She is the author of two books, Girls Who Code: Learn to Code and Change the World, the first in a 13-book series about girls and coding which debuted as a New York Times bestseller, and Women Who Don’t Wait In Line, in which she advocates for a new model of female leadership focused on embracing risk and failure, promoting mentorship and sponsorship, and boldly charting your own course — personally and professionally. Reshma is a graduate of the University of Illinois, Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government, and Yale Law School. She’s been named one of Fortune’s World’s Greatest Leaders, Fortune’s 40 Under 40, a WSJ Magazine Innovator of the Year, one of the 50 Most Powerful Women in New York by the New York Daily News, CNBC’s Next List, Forbes’s Most Powerful Women Changing the World, Fast Company’s 100 Most Creative People, Crain’s New York 40 Under 40, Ad Age’s Creativity 50, Business Insider’s 50 Women Who Are Changing the World, City & State’s Rising Stars, and an AOL / PBS Next MAKER. Saujani serves on the Board of Overseers for the International Rescue Committee, which provides aid to refugees and those impacted by humanitarian crises, and She Should Run, which seeks to increase the number of women in public leadership. Reshma lives in New York City with her husband, Nihal, their son, Shaan, and their bulldog, Stanley.

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