Habits of a Peacemaker

Habits of a Peacemaker Plot Summary

Introduction

In our increasingly polarized world, conversations about sensitive topics often deteriorate into heated arguments rather than productive exchanges. Many of us have experienced the frustration of trying to discuss important issues with family members, colleagues, or friends, only to walk away feeling misunderstood and disconnected. The truth is, navigating difficult conversations requires more than just good intentions; it demands specific skills and habits that can transform potential conflict into meaningful connection. The good news is that these skills can be learned and refined with practice. Throughout these pages, you'll discover proven strategies for having conversations that matter—even about topics where disagreement runs deep. Whether you're dreading the next family gathering, navigating workplace tensions, or simply wanting to engage more meaningfully with those who see the world differently, the habits outlined here will equip you to build bridges rather than walls. By mastering these practices, you'll not only improve your relationships but also contribute to healing the divisions that threaten our shared sense of community.

Chapter 1: Embrace Intellectual Humility in Every Conversation

Intellectual humility forms the foundation of meaningful dialogue. At its core, this principle involves recognizing how little we truly know about most topics—and acknowledging that our perspectives are inevitably limited by our experiences, biases, and access to information. This doesn't mean you should doubt everything you believe, but rather approach conversations with an openness to learning and a willingness to revise your views when presented with compelling evidence. Consider the experience of Mark and his niece Gabby, who found themselves discussing the gender pay gap during a family gathering. Gabby, a law student, confidently declared that women needed equal treatment in the workplace. Mark immediately dismissed her concern, claiming the gender pay gap was "fake news" since women at his workplace earned the same as men. Their exchange quickly became tense, with neither willing to consider the other's perspective. An opportunity for meaningful dialogue was lost because both approached the conversation with certainty rather than curiosity. Now imagine how differently this might have unfolded if someone had reframed the conversation: "This seems like a complex topic that depends on various factors like industry, location, and how we measure the gap. What specific aspects are we discussing? Perhaps we all agree that intentional discrimination is wrong, but need to understand whether and how it's happening." This approach shifts the dynamic from adversarial to collaborative, creating space for genuine exploration. Practicing intellectual humility requires two key skills: first, resisting the urge to make sweeping declarations about complex issues, and second, learning to reframe conversations in ways that invite mutual discovery. When you notice tension rising, try acknowledging complexity: "I'm wondering if we're talking about different aspects of this issue" or "I may not have all the information on this—could you help me understand your perspective better?" These simple pivots can transform potential arguments into productive exchanges. Even when you are genuinely knowledgeable about a topic, avoid leading with your credentials or authority. Instead, demonstrate your expertise through thoughtful framing of the issues and willingness to engage with questions. Remember that expertise in one area doesn't guarantee wisdom in all aspects of that subject. The most respected voices are often those who can say, "That's a good question—I hadn't considered that angle before." The practice of intellectual humility ultimately leads to more meaningful connections because it creates safety for genuine exchange. When people sense you're truly listening rather than simply waiting to prove them wrong, they become more willing to engage authentically and consider new perspectives.

Chapter 2: Seek Understanding Before Being Understood

At the heart of productive conversation lies a fundamental shift in priority: seeking first to understand others before attempting to be understood yourself. This principle transforms the nature of dialogue from a competitive exchange of viewpoints into a collaborative exploration of ideas and experiences. True understanding requires more than simply hearing words—it demands attentive listening with genuine curiosity about the other person's perspective. Jonathan Haidt, a social psychologist whose groundbreaking research explored the moral foundations of different political orientations, discovered something remarkable about how people form their views. His studies revealed that people tend to reach conclusions based on gut reactions, then reason backward to justify those conclusions. These reactions stem from underlying moral psychologies—what Haidt calls moral foundations—that vary between individuals. Some people place higher value on care and fairness, while others emphasize loyalty, authority, or purity. Understanding these deeper drivers helps explain why reasonable people can reach drastically different conclusions about the same issues. This insight provides a powerful tool for more productive conversations. Rather than focusing solely on the positions people take, seek to understand the underlying values and concerns that drive those positions. For example, during a heated debate about immigration policy, instead of arguing about specific laws, you might ask: "What aspects of this issue concern you most?" or "What values are at stake for you in this discussion?" These questions help reveal what truly matters to the other person beyond their stated position. Asking sincere, open-ended questions serves multiple purposes. First, it helps others understand their own views better. Research by cognitive scientists Steven Sloman and Philip Fernbach found that when people are asked to explain the mechanisms behind their preferred policies, they often become less extreme in their positions as they realize the limits of their understanding. Second, genuine questioning demonstrates respect and creates psychological safety that encourages authentic sharing. The key is to listen actively without planning your response or waiting for an opening to make your point. When someone shares their perspective, try repeating back what you've heard to ensure you've understood correctly: "So what I hear you saying is..." This practice not only demonstrates that you're listening but also helps clarify any misunderstandings before they derail the conversation. Remember that seeking understanding doesn't require agreeing with someone's position. You can validate their underlying concerns while still holding a different view. This approach creates space for both parties to feel heard and respected, even amid disagreement, laying the groundwork for genuine connection and potential progress on divisive issues.

Chapter 3: Assume Good Intentions Behind Different Views

One of the most powerful habits for meaningful conversation is approaching others with the assumption that they have good intentions, even when their views differ dramatically from your own. In our increasingly polarized world, we often default to seeing those who disagree with us as either malicious or foolish. This mental shortcut shuts down genuine dialogue before it can begin and prevents us from finding common ground on important issues. Consider the story of Carol, a successful attorney who joined the board of a nonprofit. As the only woman on the board, she assumed the men would discount her contributions simply because of her gender. For nearly a year, she ate lunch quietly during meetings, rarely sharing her thoughts. One day, a thought occurred to her: What if this is all in my head? She decided to conduct an experiment, entering the next meeting with the assumption that her colleagues genuinely wanted to hear her perspective. The results were transformative. Not only did the board members listen intently to her ideas, but they responded positively, and these meetings became some of her most rewarding professional experiences. Carol's story illustrates how our assumptions about others' intentions profoundly shape our interactions. She had been engaging in confirmation bias—interpreting all their body language and comments in ways that confirmed her belief that they were biased against women. Only when she consciously challenged this assumption did she see the situation differently. The same people, the same setting, but an entirely different experience emerged when she changed her perspective. When engaging with someone whose views differ from yours, try asking yourself: "What legitimate concerns might this person have? What values might be driving their position?" This mental shift opens space for genuine dialogue. For example, someone who opposes certain environmental regulations might be driven by concern for economic stability and jobs, not by disregard for the environment. Recognizing these underlying motivations allows you to address their actual concerns rather than arguing against assumptions about their character. Another powerful practice is finding common ground. Before diving into areas of disagreement, establish shared values or goals. This creates a foundation of connection that helps maintain respect even when discussing differences. You might say, "I think we both want our community to thrive, though we might have different ideas about how to get there" or "We both seem to value freedom, even if we're applying it differently in this situation." When you do encounter what seems like a bad-faith argument, try reframing it in its strongest, most reasonable form before responding. This "steel manning" (the opposite of creating a straw man) demonstrates respect and elevates the conversation. By consistently assuming good intentions, you create space for others to live up to those expectations, often transforming potentially contentious exchanges into productive dialogue.

Chapter 4: Handle Emotionally Charged Topics with Care

Navigating emotionally charged topics requires special attention and skill. Whether discussing politics, religion, or personal matters, these conversations can quickly trigger strong emotional responses that hijack rational thinking and derail productive dialogue. Learning to manage both your emotions and the emotional temperature of the conversation is essential for meaningful exchange on difficult subjects. Shortly after the COVID-19 pandemic, a law professor was scheduled to speak to a large audience about religious freedom law basics. After his presentation, a woman in the front row raised her hand and declared, "I don't think the law should be used to justify doing whatever you want, like all these churches that claimed they didn't have to follow COVID protocols but everyone else did. That's all religious freedom is—it's just an excuse by people who hate science to justify breaking the law." Her arms crossed as if the conversation was finished. Rather than responding defensively or dismissing her comment, the professor acknowledged her concern and reframed it: "You've raised an important issue in the world of religious liberty law. How should the law treat religious institutions when governments are trying to stop the spread of a virus?" When she nodded, he continued, "Most cases involving churches weren't controversial—many involved instances where governments allowed movie theaters to open at 50% capacity but not churches. But you're concerned about churches claiming the right to ignore all restrictions regardless of public health needs." By addressing the legitimate concern behind her comment rather than responding to her accusatory tone, the professor created space for a productive exchange. The conversation that followed was respectful and informative, ending with an exchange of contact information and mutual respect—despite their differing perspectives on the broader issue. This approach works because it acknowledges emotional content without allowing it to dominate. When emotions run high, practice these steps: First, pause and take a deep breath before responding. This creates space between stimulus and response, allowing your rational brain to engage. Second, acknowledge the emotion without judgment: "I can see this is really important to you" or "I understand why this might feel concerning." Third, look for the legitimate concern beneath the emotion and address that directly. For your own emotional management, identify topics that trigger strong reactions in you and gradually expose yourself to different viewpoints on those issues in controlled settings. Reading thoughtful pieces from various perspectives or listening to nuanced debates can help desensitize these triggers over time. When you feel emotions rising during a conversation, it's okay to say, "I need a moment to gather my thoughts" or "This touches on something I feel strongly about, so I want to make sure I respond thoughtfully." Remember that not every emotional topic needs to be discussed in every setting. Recognize when a productive conversation isn't possible—either because emotions are too high or because the setting isn't appropriate—and be willing to suggest continuing the discussion at another time.

Chapter 5: Ask Questions That Foster Genuine Dialogue

The quality of our questions largely determines the quality of our conversations. Thoughtful, open-ended questions create space for exploration and discovery, while closed or leading questions tend to shut down dialogue. Mastering the art of questioning is perhaps the most powerful tool in transforming potentially divisive discussions into meaningful exchanges that generate new insights. Coleman Hughes, a graduate of Columbia University who has developed a widely listened-to podcast focused on challenging conversations about race and other contentious topics, once explained his approach: "Before I introduce my guest, I'd like to give a short preamble. I often get the critique that I don't get enough guests that disagree with me on my podcast, especially on the issues of race and racism. The idea is that I'm creating a sort of echo chamber of people that mostly agree with me. Behind the scenes, I've invited countless of my critics onto the show, and the near unanimous response has just been a refusal to speak with me." Despite these challenges, Hughes continues to model calm, respectful dialogue that invites diverse perspectives. What makes Hughes' approach effective is his commitment to asking genuine questions aimed at understanding rather than scoring points. When you ask questions with sincere curiosity about another person's perspective, you create safety for authentic sharing. Consider the difference between asking "Why would anyone believe something so ridiculous?" and "What experiences or values have shaped your thinking on this issue?" The first question assumes the other person's view is indefensible; the second invites them to share their reasoning process. To develop this habit, prepare thoughtful questions before potentially difficult conversations. Focus on questions that explore underlying values, experiences, and reasoning: "What concerns you most about this issue?" "How did you come to hold this view?" "What outcomes would you hope to see?" "What evidence would change your mind on this?" These questions encourage reflection rather than defensive reactions. Pay attention to how you ask questions as well. Tone and body language communicate as much as your words. Maintain a genuinely curious expression and avoid sighing, eye-rolling, or using a confrontational tone that suggests you're setting a trap rather than seeking understanding. When someone answers, practice active listening—nodding, maintaining appropriate eye contact, and asking follow-up questions that show you're engaged with what they're sharing. Be mindful that asking someone to explain their position too extensively can sometimes feel like an interrogation, particularly if they sense you're trying to expose flaws in their thinking. Balance questioning with sharing your own perspective when appropriate, creating a reciprocal exchange rather than a one-sided examination. The goal is dialogue, not an interview or debate. Remember that questions reveal as much about the asker as the answerer. By asking thoughtful questions that seek understanding rather than confirmation of your existing views, you model intellectual humility and create space for others to do the same, transforming potential confrontations into conversations that matter.

Chapter 6: Practice Active Listening Without Judgment

Active listening is the cornerstone of meaningful conversation, yet it remains one of the most challenging skills to master. True listening goes beyond simply hearing words—it involves fully attending to another person with the genuine intention to understand their perspective without immediately evaluating or judging what they're saying. This practice creates the psychological safety necessary for authentic exchange, especially about difficult topics. Christopher Toll, one of the nation's leading litigators, exemplifies this habit. Despite leaning left politically and being an atheist, he has developed a reputation for turning opposing lawyers into professional friends who later refer him business. When asked about his approach, Toll revealed a surprising habit: he regularly reads publications that represent viewpoints opposite to his own. "I like to read the op-ed page in the Wall Street Journal," he explained. "It's the best place to find the best conservative arguments for the issues of the day." His news apps include not only the New York Times and Washington Post but also Fox News and other conservative outlets. This deliberate exposure to opposing viewpoints equips Toll to understand the perspectives of those he encounters professionally and personally. He doesn't just hear their words; he comprehends the underlying concerns and values that shape their positions. This depth of understanding allows him to engage meaningfully with people across ideological divides without sacrificing his own principles or his clients' interests. To practice active listening in your own conversations, start by eliminating distractions. Put away your phone, turn off notifications, and focus your full attention on the speaker. Maintain appropriate eye contact and offer verbal and non-verbal cues that you're engaged—nodding, saying "I see" or "Go on," and asking clarifying questions when appropriate. Resist the urge to formulate your response while the other person is still speaking; this divided attention prevents genuine understanding. When someone finishes speaking, try restating their main points in your own words: "So what I hear you saying is..." This practice serves multiple purposes. It confirms whether you've understood correctly, demonstrates that you're genuinely listening, and gives the speaker an opportunity to clarify anything you've misinterpreted. It also helps you internalize their perspective before formulating your response. Pay particular attention to the emotions underlying someone's words. Often what matters most isn't the specific argument but the values or concerns driving it. You might say, "It sounds like fairness is really important to you in this situation" or "I sense this connects to deeper concerns about security for your family." These observations acknowledge the human dimension of disagreement and create connection even amid differing views. When judgment arises—as it inevitably will—notice it without immediately acting on it. Ask yourself: "What am I assuming about this person or their position? What might I be missing?" This internal pause creates space for curiosity rather than reactive judgment, opening possibilities for genuine understanding. Remember that listening without judgment doesn't require agreeing with everything you hear. You can understand someone's perspective deeply while still holding a different view. The goal is connection and understanding, not conversion or compromise.

Chapter 7: Find Common Ground Even in Disagreement

In our increasingly polarized world, finding common ground might seem impossible when facing profound disagreements. Yet discovering shared values, concerns, or goals—even when conclusions differ dramatically—creates a foundation for productive dialogue and potential collaboration. This practice isn't about compromising your principles but about recognizing our shared humanity beneath our differences. During a particularly divisive period in American history, a remarkable scene unfolded behind closed doors. A group of federal judges—some appointed by President Barack Obama, others by President Donald Trump—gathered monthly for a private prayer breakfast. These jurists, with dramatically different judicial philosophies and political leanings, set aside their differences to share breakfast and pray together, usually for people in their lives who were suffering. Despite professional disagreements that would later manifest in the courtroom, they recognized their common humanity and shared values. This example illuminates an important truth: when we spend time with people in contexts beyond contentious issues, we discover dimensions of their character and experience that create connection. The judges didn't pretend their differences didn't exist. Rather, they created space to know each other as complex human beings with shared concerns, values, and struggles that transcended their professional disagreements. To find common ground in your own conversations, look for underlying values rather than focusing solely on conclusions. Two people can arrive at different policy positions while caring deeply about the same principles. For instance, those with opposing views on healthcare policy might both value human dignity and well-being; they simply disagree about how best to secure these goods. Acknowledging these shared values creates a foundation for more productive dialogue: "It seems we both care deeply about ensuring people have access to quality healthcare; we just have different ideas about how to achieve that." Another approach is to identify specific aspects of an issue where agreement exists, even if broad consensus remains elusive. During a discussion about a contentious political topic, you might say, "We might disagree about the overall direction, but it sounds like we both agree that the current situation isn't working optimally" or "I appreciate that we both want communities to feel safe, even if we differ on how to get there." Personal storytelling can be particularly powerful for building bridges across differences. When people share experiences that shaped their views, it humanizes perspectives that might otherwise seem incomprehensible. This vulnerability invites reciprocal sharing and creates connection even amid disagreement. Try asking, "What experiences have shaped your thinking on this?" and be willing to share your own formative experiences when appropriate. Remember that finding common ground doesn't require resolving all differences. Sometimes, simply acknowledging shared humanity and good intentions despite divergent conclusions creates space for ongoing relationship and future dialogue. The goal isn't always agreement but understanding that enables respectful engagement even across deep divides.

Summary

Throughout these pages, we've explored the essential habits that can transform our conversations from battlegrounds into bridges. From embracing intellectual humility to finding common ground amid disagreement, these practices offer a path forward in a world often defined by division. As Steven Collis reminds us, "We can have dialogue over difficult issues. We can discuss hard topics. We can find powerful solutions to the seemingly insolvable problems that persist in our society." The journey toward more meaningful conversation isn't about abandoning our convictions but about approaching them with openness, curiosity, and respect for others. Your next conversation about a difficult topic presents an opportunity to practice these habits. Start small—perhaps by asking a genuine question about someone's perspective rather than immediately sharing your own, or by acknowledging a point of common ground before exploring differences. With each interaction, you build not only your own capacity for meaningful dialogue but also contribute to healing the divisions that fragment our communities. The world doesn't need more people shouting across divides; it needs more peacemakers willing to build bridges through conversation that matters.

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Steven T. Collis

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