Smart Girls Screw Up Too

Smart Girls Screw Up Too Plot Summary

Introduction

The call came at 2 AM. Two simple words that would change everything: "It's over." Bella Zanesco found herself curled up on her bed, tears streaming down her face, wondering how her seemingly perfect life had crumbled so quickly. As a high-achieving professional with the perfect job, relationship, and lifestyle, she'd done everything society told her would bring happiness. Yet here she was, battling depression, burnout, and a deep sense of disconnection from herself. This journey from breakdown to breakthrough is something many accomplished women experience but few discuss openly. When we're excelling in our careers, maintaining relationships, and checking all the boxes of success, admitting we're struggling feels like failure. But what if our moments of crisis are actually doorways to transformation? What if screwing up isn't a setback but the beginning of finding our authentic path? Through personal stories, research involving over 2,000 women, and practical strategies tested in real life, we discover that finding our way to the "upside" requires courage to face our wounds, challenge our beliefs, and create lives aligned with our deepest values rather than external expectations.

Chapter 1: The 'It's Over' Moment: When Life Falls Apart

Bella vividly recalls the moment everything changed. There she was, lying in bed at a friend's apartment after her relationship had ended, a pillow pressed against her face trying to muffle the sounds of her friend's late-night romantic encounter in the next room. Salt-stained cheeks, puffy eyes, and the overwhelming sensation that her life had shattered into pieces. Just hours earlier, she had been sitting on a beach, watching a group of women return from yoga, carrying colorful mats, laughing together. They radiated something she desperately wanted – a buoyancy, a lightness of being that felt completely out of reach. In that moment of contrast between her broken state and their vitality, she reached for her journal and wrote three lists: her problems, how she felt, and how she wanted to feel. The differences were stark. While she felt "disconnected, confused, depressed, lacking meaning, dis-eased, serious, money-focused, weak, disillusioned, angry, anxious, sad, de-motivated, afraid, and lonely," she yearned to feel "healthy, vital, authentic, light, playful, creative, connected, calm, on purpose, safe, secure, nourished, nurtured, rested, fulfilled, and spirited." This gap between her reality and desires became the catalyst for change. Through a conversation with her therapist friend Alexis, Bella discovered a fundamental truth: "Meet your needs." As Alexis bluntly put it, "If you want to feel better, you've got to be a needy b**ch and listen to your needs like you're the most important person in the world. Because you are the most important person in your world." The journey began with small steps: making her bed, preparing nourishing food, walking by the sea, taking afternoon naps, and allowing herself to cry during meditation. These simple actions helped her feel slightly better – not skipping-down-the-street better, but I-can-leave-the-house-today better. And that feeling of being okay formed the foundation for everything that followed. What Bella discovered was that prolonged feelings of sadness, overwhelm, and distress aren't just inconveniences – they're vital signals from our spirit and body that something needs to change. The path forward wasn't about blocking these emotions but using them to identify unmet needs. Through healing her childhood "Source Wound" – the deep hurt that comes from our earliest experiences of pain – she began to understand how it had shaped her Core Limiting Beliefs and relationship patterns. The upside begins when we stop ignoring our needs and start treating ourselves as if we matter. Because when we tend to our foundations first, we create the stability needed to pursue higher aspirations and eventually help others. Our feelings aren't just inconvenient distractions – they're messengers guiding us toward wholeness if we're brave enough to listen.

Chapter 2: Inside Job: Healing Your Mind, Body and Spirit

After months of emotional healing, Bella realized something fundamental was still missing. Her physical body needed attention too. Years of ignoring back problems had culminated in the embarrassing moment when she put her back out by simply sneezing. Looking at her family history of back issues and watching her otherwise fit father struggle with mobility at 60, she knew she had to act. This wasn't about vanity – it was about creating a sustainable, pain-free future where she could one day pick up grandchildren, dance with strangers, and maintain an active lifestyle. So with hesitation and a sense of fear, she rolled out a brightly colored yoga mat for the first time. Walking into that gentle yoga class, she was shocked to discover she was the least flexible person there, despite being the youngest by decades. The women around her, nearly twice her age, could perform headstands while she struggled to touch her knees in a forward bend. This humbling experience became her first step in a journey of thousands of hours that would transform not just her physical body but her entire approach to life. Through consistent yoga practice, Bella discovered benefits far beyond the physical. Her mat became a mirror reflecting her entire life: if she was flustered in life, she was flustered in downward dog; if she was critical while sailing, she was critical when falling out of crow pose. Yoga taught her to recognize negative self-talk and replace it with self-compassion. It improved her posture, which realigned her nervous system and helped balance the fight-or-flight response that had dominated her existence. Most importantly, it taught her to believe in achieving what seemed impossible, one small step at a time. As her practice deepened, she noticed something unexpected happening during certain poses – tears would stream down her face. Her teacher Ana Forrest explained that "your fascia stores memory and archives your unresolved issues and emotions that didn't get fully felt and expressed... yoga helps your Smart Girl self track down and reach these entrapped areas and gently rinse, cleanse and free herself from them." Through yoga, she was literally releasing stored trauma from her body. This physical healing paralleled her mental transformation. The meditation aspect of yoga helped her access and calm her mind through breath, allowing her to observe destructive thought patterns and change them. Instead of comparing herself to others or repeating "I can't" mantras, she began to trust her body's wisdom and honor her limits while gradually building strength. The yogic journey ultimately represented a profound shift in how Bella approached life – moving from pushing past limits with a win-at-all-costs mindset to becoming a slow, intentional creator of her existence. By reconnecting with her physical self, she rebuilt the strength and confidence needed to return to sailing after a seven-year injury hiatus. This embodied healing became the foundation for sustainable change in every aspect of her life, teaching her that caring for our bodies isn't a luxury – it's essential for living the life we truly want.

Chapter 3: Finding Your Touchstones: What Truly Matters to You

At her mother's home, with tears still fresh on her face, Bella asked a simple but profound question: "What was I like as a little girl?" Her mother's response unlocked something essential: "I remember when you were two years old... Dad and I had taken you to the beach on holiday for the very first time. I'd left you building sand castles, turned my back for no more than 10 seconds... and when I turned back you were gone. Splashing in the waves. Squealing. Full of joy. You terrified me: you had no fear. Just like your father. Both of you always ran towards life, never away from it." This glimpse of her authentic self – fearless, joyful, adventure-seeking – highlighted how far she had drifted from her core nature. The women she had seen dancing on the beach had triggered something deep within her – they embodied who she truly was before becoming who everyone else told her she should be: successful, career-focused, achievement-oriented. The real challenge wasn't just recovering from heartbreak; it was rediscovering the essence of who she had always been. Bella realized she had been living in what she calls "the pot of hot water" – like the proverbial frog that doesn't notice the gradually increasing temperature until it's too late. Her life choices had slowly pulled her away from her true self, one small compromise at a time. She had chosen the "sensible" business career over her passion for photography; accepted the prestigious job at a tobacco company; prioritized flying business class and material success over authentic fulfillment. Each decision had moved her further from joy and deeper into the downside. To find her way back, Bella developed the concept of "touchstones" – the core motivations and values that guide authentic decision-making. Through reflective writing about her favorite life moments – wandering Italian streets with her camera, teaching photography to girls in Kenya's Kibera slum, matchmaking friends who later married – she identified her true touchstones: adventure, freedom, inspiration, connection, seeking beauty, cultural exploration. These became her compass for making decisions aligned with her authentic self. She supplemented these personal insights by studying people she admired, from the Dalai Lama to adventurer Gavin McClurg to fashion designer Camilla Franks. She observed how they embodied qualities like creativity, compassion, determination, playfulness, and entrepreneurial spirit – additional touchstones to guide her path. With these touchstones identified, she could evaluate every opportunity by asking: "Does this align with who I truly am?" The transformation wasn't immediate or easy. It required acknowledging that her previous decisions had led her astray and having the courage to make different choices – even when they seemed impractical or risky to others. Her touchstones became a filter for decision-making, leading her to photograph a wedding overlooking Mont Blanc in Italy and pursue yoga teacher training in Bali – choices that would have seemed nonsensical in her former life but perfectly aligned with her authentic self. By identifying and honoring our touchstones, we create a life of meaning rather than mere existence. As Oscar Wilde noted, "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." When we align our decisions with what truly matters to us, we step into authentic living and attract people who understand and support our journey. The alternative – a life dictated by others' expectations – is a lonely room crowded with people who don't truly "get" us.

Chapter 4: Creating a Life Blueprint: Designing Your Vision House

The death of a young girl named Florence transformed Bella's perspective forever. While photographing children in Kenya's Kibera slum, she captured images of Florence and her sister laughing and playing. Just twelve hours later, Florence died suddenly. When her sister came running, desperately asking for the photograph – the only one ever taken of Florence in her short life – Bella confronted mortality in a way that changed everything. "Life is short" stopped being a cliché and became a visceral truth. Sitting in corporate meetings afterward, watching colleagues fudge numbers and fake smiles, she wanted to scream: "THERE ARE PEOPLE DYING OUT THERE. ISN'T THERE SOMETHING WE SHOULD BE DOING ABOUT THAT?" The experience ignited a deep desire to make her life meaningful, to justify her continued breathing while Florence's had ended. Initially, this awareness led to a hedonistic phase – sports cars, tequila shots, casual relationships – using "life is short" as justification for momentary pleasures. But these experiences left her empty beyond the immediate thrill. Eventually, she realized true fulfillment came from moments of helping others, like working with the Kibera girls. Her most meaningful memories involved connection and service, not self-indulgence. With this insight, Bella developed a framework she calls the "Vision House" – a holistic approach to creating a meaningful life blueprint. Unlike traditional goal-setting that focuses on a single purpose, the Vision House acknowledges life's multidimensional nature. Built on the foundation of our feelings, touchstones, and beliefs, it contains six rooms representing different life aspects: play, study, self-care, work, giving back, and relationships. The roof represents our legacy – what we'll leave behind. For those struggling to identify their vision, Bella offers three approaches. First, "time travel" to childhood to identify natural inclinations and passions. Second, create a "hell-no basket" of things to avoid, inspired by Bronnie Ware's research on deathbed regrets like "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me." Third, write your own eulogy – envisioning what you want people to say about you when you're gone. Creating this vision doesn't require massive resources or dramatic life changes. Small, consistent actions aligned with our values create momentum. When Bella wanted to attract a relationship, she placed her vision board where potential partners could see it and openly discussed her life goals while dating. Two years later, she found herself sailing with a partner who aligned with her vision. Similarly, a fashion designer friend who achieved commercial success now channels profits toward helping sex trafficking victims – living her roof legacy while continuing her creative work. The power of the Vision House lies in its flexibility and comprehensiveness. It accommodates evolving priorities while ensuring we don't sacrifice essential life dimensions. Whether focusing on health, relationships, creative expression, or professional growth, it guides us toward a life of fulfillment rather than regret. As Renwick St James wrote, "Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision just passes the time. Vision with action can change the world." And it starts with laying a single brick, every day, toward the life we truly want.

Chapter 5: The Outside Job: Building Your Tribe and Environment

When Bella reached into her kitchen cabinet and found cockroach droppings in her bowl, she faced an uncomfortable truth: the mess in her physical environment reflected the mess in her life. Her home had become infested with literal cockroaches, while her workplace crawled with metaphorical "bully cockroaches" – toxic people who drained her energy. The only peace she found was during her commute, singing in her car between these two negative environments. After her relationship ended, she seized the opportunity to create a fresh start. Rather than following Marie Kondo's advice to discard anything that didn't "spark joy," Bella took the opposite approach – keeping meaningful items that connected her to happier times while discarding anything that triggered sadness. Each object she kept represented a core part of her identity and provided a tangible link to her "upside" self. This careful curation of her home environment became a powerful healing tool. The transformation continued when she spent two months on a yacht with limited internet access. After the initial withdrawal from her devices – "The first few days felt like a mini break-up. Brutal." – she experienced a profound reconnection with herself and nature. Research from the University of Michigan confirms this phenomenon: "By connecting with nature we connect more authentically with our sensory reactions and therefore our true selves." Conversely, studies show that social media comparisons increase depression symptoms, while walking in nature reduces them by 71%. Bella realized she needed to carefully manage four key environments that shape our wellbeing: home, work, nature, and online spaces. At home, she maintained a clean, minimalist space filled only with meaningful items. At work, she eventually left her toxic workplace to collaborate with people who shared her values. In nature, she prioritized activities like hiking and kiteboarding that reconnected her with her body and the natural world. Online, she curated her media consumption, eliminating sources of anxiety and comparison. This environmental overhaul extended to her social circle as well. Bella recognized that her friendships needed the same attention as her physical spaces. According to British anthropologist Robin Dunbar, humans can maintain about 150 social connections organized in concentric circles of intimacy, with only five slots in our innermost circle for deep relationships. Bella developed a framework for building a supportive "tribe," identifying six essential roles: the Catalyst (who sparks transformation), the Player (who reminds us life is fun), the Nurturer (who cares for us in tough times), the Inspirer (who fills us with possibilities), the Challenger (who stretches our thinking), and the Lover (who accepts us unconditionally). By intentionally surrounding herself with people who embodied these qualities and supported her upside journey, Bella created a social environment as nurturing as her physical one. She realized that "our friendships shape us and influence how we see the world and what we do," and that shallow or non-reciprocal relationships can be as damaging to health as drugs or poor diet. Through careful curation of both her physical and social environments, she created external conditions that reinforced her internal transformation. The lesson became clear: our surroundings – the spaces we inhabit, the media we consume, the nature we connect with, and the people we spend time with – directly impact our ability to create and sustain positive change. What our eyes see, our soul feels. Creating an upside life requires fumigating our environments of anything that keeps us stuck in old patterns and intentionally designing spaces that nurture our authentic selves.

Chapter 6: Work and Play: Finding Balance and Creative Flow

"Seven in ten Smart Girls admitted that they don't play to have fun anymore." This statistic from Bella's research highlights a profound loss in adulthood – the ability to engage in activities simply for joy rather than achievement. Like many high-achieving women, Bella had sacrificed play for productivity, viewing it as frivolous compared to career advancement. Yet rediscovering play became one of the most powerful catalysts in her upside journey. The transformation began unexpectedly when she witnessed her three-year-old nieces dancing joyfully to ABBA's "Waterloo." Their uninhibited movement, complete lack of self-consciousness, and pure delight awakened something dormant within her. She realized that playfulness wasn't childish – it was essential. This insight led her to a 5Rhythms dance class, where despite initial terror and self-consciousness, she found a transformative practice that released stored grief and connected her to forgotten parts of herself. Dance proved especially powerful. Research by Rosa Pinniger from the University of New England found that tango dancers experienced lower stress hormone levels, felt sexier, and showed significantly reduced depression symptoms after six weeks of practice. Even more remarkably, a 21-year study from Albert Einstein College of Medicine discovered that frequent dancing was the only physical activity that reduced the risk of dementia and Alzheimer's by 76%. Dance creates what Lucia Horan, a 5Rhythms teacher, describes as "a passageway out of the body" for stagnant energy, freeing what's stuck and cultivating "the ground for peace, balance and wellbeing." The benefits of play extend beyond emotional release. According to the world's foremost play scholar Brian Sutton-Smith, "the opposite of play is not work, it is depression." Play triggers endorphins – the body's natural painkiller and happiness chemicals – while stimulating nerve growth in portions of the brain that process emotions. This creates new neural pathways that, over time, replace negative thought patterns with positive ones. Professor Mark Lepper of Stanford University found that those who play regularly are 20% more likely to feel happy daily and 36% more likely to feel comfortable with their age and stage in life. Bella complemented dance with kiteboarding – combining yin (receptive, flowing) play with yang (active, challenging) play. While dance taught her to follow her feelings and heal, kiteboarding taught her resilience, patience, and self-confidence. Together, these playful activities became powerful teachers, revealing her tendencies toward self-judgment and impatience while building her capacity to persevere through difficulty. Play also unleashes creativity, another essential element of upside living. Many adults carry "creativity scars" from childhood – moments when teachers or others shamed their creative expression. Brené Brown estimates about 85% of us have experienced such creative shaming, causing us to shy away from creative pursuits. Yet creativity is critical for problem-solving, innovation, and accessing "flow" – what Steven Kotler describes as "an optimal state of consciousness where we feel and perform our best." In flow, the brain shuts down the prefrontal cortex – the part that houses our inner critic – while releasing a cocktail of feel-good neurotransmitters. McKinsey's global study found that executives in flow were up to 500% more productive, while Kotler's Flow Genome Project revealed people are seven times more creative in this state. By reconnecting with creative play, whether through dance, art, or other flow-inducing activities, we silence our inner critic and access parts of ourselves that conventional productivity can never reach. The path to the upside requires both serious inner work and playful exploration. By reintegrating play and creativity into our lives, we don't just feel better – we become more resilient, innovative, and capable of solving the problems that once seemed insurmountable.

Chapter 7: Relationships: From Self-Love to Authentic Connection

Disney fairy tales and Hollywood rom-coms have shaped our expectations of love in ways that set us up for disappointment. We grow up believing in Prince Charming scenarios where someone will swoop in to save us, making the idea of looking inward seem unnecessary. "Why would you try to look at what wasn't working when there's a perfect person out there who wants to fix you?" Bella writes. "Your only job is to look pretty and find them." By our mid-30s, disillusionment often sets in as we wonder, "Where are they?" Leading seven in ten Smart Girls to conclude their true love is "either not out there, dead or married to someone else by now." This disillusionment often leads to settling – pairing up with someone who "does nothing to amplify your life other than help you to fit within a societal expected norm." But there's another path: creating authentic relationships based on mutual growth rather than rescue fantasies. Bella outlines four steps to this more fulfilling approach to love. The first step is dating yourself – taking time to become someone you'd want to wake up next to every day. This means pursuing your passions, traveling to places your ex wouldn't go, and getting comfortable with your own company. Most importantly, it means healing your Source Wound and challenging limiting beliefs about relationships. Bella had to overcome her belief that "all men would leave" before she could create a healthy partnership. The second step is dating others with awareness rather than desperation. Bella created a detailed checklist of qualities important to her – from emotional availability and shared touchstones to the ability to communicate feelings and demonstrate trustworthiness. This clarity helped her recognize compatible partners rather than falling into old patterns. The third step is choosing and being chosen with intention. Bella realized she wanted "to surrender my heart to someone deserving, who I have great adventures with, who supports me to fly on and off the water, and who I support to be fully expressed." Notice the word "want" rather than "need" – the relationship amplifies rather than completes her. As Eckhart Tolle writes, relationships aren't "here to make you happy or fulfilled" but "to make you conscious." By sharing her desire for family early in relationships, Bella avoided investing emotionally in partners with incompatible life goals. The fourth step is keeping the flame flickering once in a relationship. Drawing wisdom from renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel, Bella shares strategies for maintaining connection: asking directly for what you want; showing up fully for your partner rather than giving them leftovers; giving without expectation; receiving graciously; sharing fairly; refusing without drama; and maintaining playfulness. When conflicts arise, she recommends taking deep breaths, asking clarifying questions, listening deeply, seeking win-win solutions, and acknowledging how triggers connect to past wounds. The chapter concludes with thoughtful exploration of motherhood – a choice that requires careful consideration of personal values, relationship status, and life vision. Bella encourages women to reflect on their true motivations for having children, their non-negotiable conditions, and how motherhood fits into their eulogy vision. Ultimately, the decision must come "from a place of truth – from your Braveheart, not your head – for as we discussed earlier, those are the only choices we never regret." Through this journey from self-love to authentic partnership, we discover that meaningful relationships aren't about finding someone perfect but about creating space for mutual growth. By being honest about our needs and desires while remaining open to learning and change, we build connections that enhance rather than define our lives.

Summary

The journey from breakdown to breakthrough isn't a straight line but a winding path of small, courageous steps. Bella's transformation from a depressed, disconnected corporate strategist to a world sailing champion and purpose-driven leader demonstrates that our deepest struggles can become our greatest teachers. Through healing childhood wounds, honoring authentic needs, aligning decisions with core values, and creating supportive environments, we gradually assemble the pieces of our fragmented selves into something more beautiful than before. The Japanese art of Kintsugi repairs broken pottery with golden glue, highlighting rather than hiding the cracks. Similarly, the "Golden Glue" that repairs our broken lives consists of self-compassion, honest reflection, and consistent small actions aligned with our deepest values. Whether struggling with career disillusionment, relationship heartbreak, or loss of identity, the path forward begins with acknowledging our cracks rather than disguising them. By meeting our basic needs, identifying our touchstones, challenging limiting beliefs, creating clear visions, curating supportive environments and relationships, rediscovering playfulness, and building authentic connections, we transform our struggles into stepping stones toward a more vibrant, purposeful existence. The upside awaits not when we become perfect, but when we embrace our imperfections as pathways to our most authentic selves.

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Bella Zanesco

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