Coach Yourself Confident

Coach Yourself Confident Plot Summary

Introduction

Have you ever found yourself questioning your abilities right before an important presentation? Or perhaps you've declined opportunities that seemed "too big" for you, only to watch someone less qualified succeed in your place? These moments of self-doubt can be painful, but they're also universal experiences on the path to authentic confidence. Confidence isn't an innate quality that some people are born with while others must do without. It's more like a muscle that can be strengthened through consistent practice and nurturing. The journey toward humble confidence—a balanced, realistic view of your capabilities—begins with understanding that you are already enough, exactly as you are, while simultaneously embracing your capacity for growth. This book will guide you through practical steps to develop this life-changing mindset, helping you to silence your inner critic, recalibrate your self-image, and build the resilience needed to maintain your confidence even when faced with setbacks.

Chapter 1: Recognize Your Worth: Embrace the 'Good Enough' Truth

Humble confidence represents the sweet spot between inflated egotism and crippling self-doubt. It's about having an accurate assessment of your capabilities—seeing yourself as you truly are. With humble confidence, your sense of what you're capable of aligns perfectly with your actual skills and abilities, allowing you to approach life's challenges with a grounded sense of assurance. The foundation of humble confidence rests on a powerful mantra: "I am good enough and I can be better." This simple phrase encapsulates the dual nature of truly balanced confidence. The first part—"I am good enough"—is about accepting yourself as you are right now, with all your strengths and imperfections. It releases you from the exhausting need to constantly prove your worth to yourself or others. The second part—"I can be better"—acknowledges your capacity for growth, not from a place of deficiency but from a commitment to continuous learning and development. Uma Rajah, the co-founder and CEO of online property investment firm CapitalRise, exemplifies this balanced approach. When weighing a significant career opportunity to co-found a new business, Uma didn't fall into either trap of overconfidence or self-doubt. She methodically assessed her capabilities, recognizing both her strengths and the areas where she would need support. "I had no concerns about the part of the job that Andrew and Alex absolutely needed me to do. They had never built a technology platform like the one that we've built, and I had built nine by the time I took this job." She acknowledged her experience gaps but saw that the founding team collectively possessed the necessary skills, with her co-founders providing complementary expertise in areas where she had less experience. To develop your own humble confidence, begin by acknowledging your strengths without minimizing them. Try writing down all the ways you complete the sentence: "When I am at my best, I..." Then read these statements aloud to yourself, noticing any discomfort or resistance that arises when you claim your capabilities. This exercise helps you internalize the "I am good enough" part of the humble confidence equation. Follow this by completing the sentence: "To make my contribution even better, I would like to..." This embraces the "I can be better" element, recognizing your potential for growth without implying any current deficiency. Remember that humble confidence isn't about eradicating self-doubt completely—that would be unrealistic and potentially unwise. Instead, it's about right-sizing your doubt so it serves as a catalyst for growth rather than a barrier to action. With right-sized self-doubt, you can acknowledge areas for improvement while still moving forward with a quiet trust in your abilities. The path to humble confidence starts with this fundamental recalibration of how you see yourself: accepting your inherent worth while embracing your capacity for growth. This balanced self-view becomes the fuel that powers authentic action and sustainable success.

Chapter 2: Challenge Your Inner Critic: Breaking Free from Self-Doubt

Self-doubt manifests as an internal tax we voluntarily pay, either through missed opportunities and unfulfilled potential or through overwork and exhaustion. This "self-doubt tax" is particularly insidious because it feels compulsory when it's actually optional—we can choose to reduce it by addressing the root causes of our excessive self-doubt. The inner critic stands at the center of this tax system, collecting payments through harsh self-assessment and limiting beliefs. While attempting to keep us safe from failure or embarrassment, our inner critic often becomes hypervigilant, constantly alerting us to potential dangers and shortcomings. This critical inner voice disconnects us from the present moment, hovering above like an overzealous supervisor monitoring our every move and thought. In meetings, for instance, instead of being fully engaged, we might find ourselves thinking: "If you say that, you'll look like an idiot," creating a paralyzing loop of self-consciousness. For Stefano, a commercial director, this inner critic manifested during a period of change within his executive team. He described his newly joined colleagues as "incredibly talented" and saw countless ways they outshined him. Mentally, Stefano created a composite of the perfect executive leader from the best qualities of all his colleagues, then measured himself against this impossible standard. Not surprisingly, he felt inadequate. In coaching sessions, Stefano realized he had disowned his own considerable strengths—the very qualities that had powered his career and fueled the company's success. He had become "an avid collector of evidence" supporting his belief that he was "less than" his colleagues. To challenge your inner critic, first bring it into the light through the practice of "unmasking." Take time to write down the specific messages your inner critic repeats, such as "You're not smart enough for this role" or "They'll discover you don't deserve this position." Then visualize this critic—what does it look like? Is it a person, a monster, an object? Drawing this image can be surprisingly powerful in creating distance between yourself and the critical voice. This separation is crucial because your thoughts are not who you are, and you don't have to believe everything your inner critic tells you. You can further distance yourself from your inner critic by giving it a name, writing down its comments verbatim to see their exaggeration clearly, or even thanking it for trying to protect you before explaining why you're choosing to act despite its warnings. These techniques help you recognize the inner critic as just one voice among many—not the definitive voice of truth about who you are. Pay attention to your language patterns as well, as they often reveal and reinforce self-doubt. Do you habitually undermine yourself with phrases like "It's only half an idea, but..." or "You've probably thought of this already..."? Do you apologize unnecessarily or make self-deprecating jokes? These verbal habits signal lack of confidence to both yourself and others. Try auditing your spoken language and email communications to identify these patterns, then practice more confident alternatives. By challenging your inner critic and reshaping your self-talk, you begin to right-size your self-doubt. This doesn't mean eliminating doubt entirely—which would be neither realistic nor beneficial—but rather reducing it to a level where it informs rather than inhibits action. When doubt is right-sized, it fuels collaboration, appropriate preparation, open-mindedness, and growth rather than paralysis or overwork.

Chapter 3: Build Your Confidence Momentum: Taking Imperfect Action

Confidence grows through a virtuous cycle of action, learning, progress, and increased self-trust. This Confidence Momentum Cycle begins with taking a step forward—even a small one—and seeing what happens. Each action provides data about what works and what doesn't, allowing you to learn, adjust your approach, and continue moving forward. As you experience progress, your belief in your capabilities grows, making it easier to take the next step. Chris Fawkes, a weather forecaster and presenter for the BBC, exemplifies how this cycle builds confidence over time. Broadcasting live to millions requires managing multiple complexities simultaneously—analyzing data, communicating clearly, adjusting on the fly to timing changes from producers, and doing it all without a script. When asked about his confidence in this high-pressure role, Chris explained: "I don't tend to get nervous now, but I've been broadcasting for over two decades. Have I ever felt nervous? Absolutely. If I think back to my first bit of TV experience on local TV channels, you bet I was nervous. I think that passes, and I think it's down to experience—you just keep doing it." The paradox of confidence building is that to develop it, you must first act without it. As Stef Reid, Paralympic medalist and world champion, puts it: "I have self-doubt all the time, but I guess in some ways I don't necessarily see it as a negative thing. If I'm given an opportunity, or someone asks me to do something, and the first thing that I feel is fear and self-doubt, for me that is a trigger... that is something you must do!" Stef's philosophy embraces the uncomfortable truth that growth requires vulnerability—a willingness to look foolish temporarily to gain competence in the long run. Sarah Dickens, former professional dancer, demonstrated this principle when taking on her role in Starlight Express, an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical where performers race around a track on roller skates. "I don't think I've ever done anything so scary in my life. I can dance, I can sing, I can act. But skating?! I've got eight wheels on my feet and every technique I've learned since I was four years old is just out the window." During four grueling months of rehearsals, Sarah called home in tears numerous times. When her mother suggested she quit and come home, Sarah's answer was immediate: No. Her formula combined an ambitious goal with passion, hard work, and absolute refusal to quit—allowing her to take action despite intense fear. To build your confidence momentum, create a "that so this" inventory—a record of times you've successfully faced challenges. First, list significant instances when you surprised yourself with your resilience ("If I can get through that, I can get through anything" moments). Then, compile achievements from the past six months, including small wins. When facing a new challenge that triggers self-doubt, review this inventory to remind yourself of what you've already proven capable of handling. When experiencing setbacks, avoid the three Ps that psychologist Martin Seligman identified as debilitating: viewing problems as permanent, pervasive, and personal. Instead, reframe setbacks as temporary ("It didn't go my way today"), specific ("This idea needs more work"), and external ("The timing wasn't right"). This perspective helps maintain momentum when things don't go as planned. Remember that action itself reduces self-doubt, while inaction tends to increase it. As coach Mark Chamberlen discovered during a period of waiting between agreeing to a significant piece of work and actually starting it: "Once I got started, I got that mojo back, I got that confidence." The key is to begin, even imperfectly, and allow the momentum of action-learning-progress-confidence to build upon itself.

Chapter 4: Recalibrate Your Self-Image: Seeing Strengths Clearly

Many of us view ourselves through distorted mirrors, making our strengths appear smaller than they are while magnifying our weaknesses. This faulty calibration creates a gap between our actual capabilities and our perception of them, undermining our confidence and limiting our potential. Recalibrating this self-image is essential for developing humble confidence. For some people, this distortion manifests as an uncertain grasp of their expertise. Amy, an excellent finance leader, struggled with a confidence formula based entirely on proof and data: "I only know that I can do something if I have done it before. In order to feel confident about an upcoming task, I need to have evidence that I've successfully done it before." This need for prior evidence meant Amy could only feel confident when repeating familiar tasks, making novel challenges particularly difficult. Her approach made changing organizations especially daunting, as she knew it would mean "stepping into an abyss of self-doubt" and then beginning "the long (and sometimes exhausting) process of reconvincing herself of her capability." Our self-image is also affected by how we process feedback. Those lacking confidence often hear feedback through a filter that rejects positive input while amplifying criticism. As one client described: "I don't absorb positive feedback, so I don't get a boost from that... but negative feedback? Well, I really hear that, and I can go into a tunnel of self-criticism." Coach Steve Chapman calls this dynamic a game of "shit snap"—when someone criticizes an aspect of ourselves that our inner critic already targets, the criticism hurts precisely because it matches our own harsh self-assessment. Many people also struggle with faulty calibration of what constitutes "enough" in terms of both performance standards and workload. Kerry, a former coaching client, aimed to do not just good work but "phenomenal" work in every endeavor. This impossibly high standard led to constant disappointment as she measured herself against perfection rather than reasonable expectations. Similarly, Arjun, a regional managing director, berated himself for missing targets during the COVID-19 pandemic despite understanding the extraordinary market circumstances that made those targets unachievable. His belief that "If I were capable, I would be able to deliver the targets" revealed a fantasy of superhuman capability detached from reality. To recalibrate your self-image, start by owning your strengths. Review the "When I am at my best, I..." statements you created earlier, reading them aloud to yourself. Notice any reluctance to fully acknowledge these capabilities, and remind yourself that recognizing your strengths is a statement of truth, not boasting. Challenge thoughts like "I can't do this" by adding the transformative word "yet"—"I can't do this yet." This small linguistic shift acknowledges your current position while maintaining the possibility of future growth. Create a "done list" instead of focusing solely on to-do lists. At the end of each day, write down everything you accomplished, including unexpected tasks that arose. This practice helps you see your contributions more clearly and counters the tendency to focus exclusively on what remains unfinished. If workload seems overwhelming, enlist someone else's perspective to help calibrate what's reasonable, gather objective data about your responsibilities compared to peers, or try taking the opposite viewpoint—assume there is simply too much work and consider what case you would make for additional resources. By correcting these distortions, you begin to see yourself as others see you—recognizing both your genuine strengths and your reasonable limitations. This clearer self-image provides the foundation for humble confidence that accurately reflects your capabilities.

Chapter 5: Navigate Confidence Fluctuations: Strategies for Resilience

Confidence naturally ebbs and flows—it's rarely a straight line of consistent growth. If you were to plot your confidence over time on a graph, it would likely resemble a financial chart: an overall upward trend punctuated by peaks, valleys, and plateaus. Understanding these natural fluctuations helps you develop strategies to maintain resilience through inevitable confidence dips. Kate Richardson-Walsh, captain of the Olympic gold medal winning hockey team, described her experience: "I definitely had peaks and troughs. I had times when I felt I had reached a bit of mastery, but there were many times the whole way through my career where that dipped and waned. And I would really overthink every mistake I made. I would be stuck in a rut, I couldn't get myself out of it, and every mistake sent me deeper into that hole." Steep drops in confidence often accompany high-stakes situations or transitions. Tessa, a client leading an acquisition process, described how her confidence "disappeared in a puff of smoke" following a tense exchange with her global CEO. The implicit message she perceived—"Your approach isn't good enough. You're not good enough"—triggered a harsh inner critic response, anxiety, and sleep difficulties. To rebuild her confidence, Tessa needed two key elements: support from trusted colleagues who helped her gain perspective, and a mental time-travel exercise that enabled her to see her current challenge as "a difficult episode in a much longer story, rather than a moment that defined who she was." Job changes frequently trigger confidence dips as well. When applying for a new position, many people with self-doubt "pretend" confidence during the interview process, only to face renewed insecurity once they receive the offer. The transition can feel like pressing a "self-doubt reset button," with the inner critic returning full force to question whether they've oversold themselves or taken too great a risk. This dynamic affects not only those changing organizations but also individuals returning from leave or facing restructuring within their current company. To navigate these inevitable fluctuations, try the "putting a setback in perspective" practice. When facing a confidence challenge, notice your immediate thoughts and identify whether you're characterizing the setback as permanent ("I'll never be good at this"), pervasive ("I'm bad at everything"), or personal ("This is all my fault"). Then deliberately reframe the situation as temporary, specific, and not entirely within your control. This shift in perspective helps prevent a temporary confidence dip from becoming a prolonged downward spiral. Another powerful strategy is developing "free-ranging confidence"—self-trust that transfers across different domains rather than being confined to specific familiar settings. Sarah Dickens, a professional dancer who performed in hit West End musicals like Starlight Express and Fame, experienced a sharp confidence drop when knee problems forced her to seek work outside theater. At age 43, she became a receptionist at a private equity firm and felt completely out of place: "What am I doing here? I don't know how to do anything in this setting." Despite her supreme confidence on stage, Sarah struggled in this new environment until she eventually found her footing teaching dance. When entering unfamiliar territory, remember the humble confidence mantra: "I am good enough and I can be better." This reminds you that your self-worth isn't tied to performance in any particular domain, while acknowledging that as a beginner, you naturally have room to grow. With this balanced perspective, you can navigate confidence fluctuations with greater resilience, trusting that temporary dips don't define your capabilities or potential.

Chapter 6: Create Homegrown Confidence: Nurturing Self-Trust Daily

The most resilient form of confidence grows from within rather than depending on external validation. This "homegrown confidence" resembles a plant you nurture with the nourishment it needs to flourish independently. When your confidence comes from within, external setbacks—like a poor performance review or rejected proposal—might disappoint you but won't fundamentally shake your sense of self. Many people inadvertently create confidence dependencies by attaching their self-worth to external factors like qualifications, job titles, or others' approval. While these external validations can boost confidence temporarily, the effect fades unless you internalize their meaning. For example, after receiving a promotion to a "Head of" role, coaching client Anaya initially felt relief: "I feel like I can finally exhale. I felt a bit like I was pretending before, and I thought that everyone else could see that. It's totally changed my confidence." The challenge for Anaya was using this promotion as a catalyst to develop internal confidence rather than simply clinging to the title as proof of her worth. Relying on others' opinions for validation creates particular vulnerability. Scott, a coaching client in a new leadership role, struggled with his relationship with his boss, Mike. Described as "ambitious and razor sharp" with "rock solid self-belief," Mike didn't provide the reassurance Scott craved. "When I'm with Mike, I just overthink. I second guess everything and I try to tell him what he wants to hear." Every interaction with Mike further drained Scott's confidence as he interpreted almost anything his boss said as criticism, even though Mike actually believed Scott was "delivering brilliantly." The problem wasn't primarily Mike's leadership style but Scott's habit of outsourcing his confidence to external validation. To develop homegrown confidence, first become aware of your confidence dependencies. Are you borrowing confidence from qualifications, titles, or others' approval? While these external sources can offer valuable support, true confidence requires internalizing their messages rather than remaining dependent on them. Jackie, an HR leader mentioned in the book, supported her employee Julie for a decade, consistently believing in her capabilities and offering stretch opportunities. Eventually, Julie "moved from borrowing confidence from Jackie to owning it," as Jackie's unwavering belief helped Julie develop her own self-trust. Practice testing your interpretations when interactions with others affect your confidence. When someone's words or actions trigger self-doubt, write down what happened, then list your assumptions about what it means about you ("She thinks I'm useless at my job"). Next, generate alternative interpretations that don't center on you ("She was distracted by something else" or "She's feeling pressure at the moment"). This exercise helps you recognize when you're making unfounded assumptions that undermine your confidence. Develop the ability to care about others' opinions without fearing them. This means shifting from people-pleasing behaviors driven by approval-seeking to more balanced interactions where you consider both others' needs and your own. Instead of automatically saying "yes" out of obligation, take time to fully understand requests before deciding whether they align with your capacity and priorities. Rather than dwelling on criticism, view it as potentially useful data to be evaluated alongside your own perspective. Finally, give yourself permission to be authentically you. Michelle, a headteacher in her first leadership position, initially felt she had to wear "a cloak of headship which didn't really fit me—a cloak that represented the way I thought a headteacher should be." After four challenging years, including leading through the COVID-19 pandemic, Michelle discarded this constraining persona: "I now have the confidence to be the kind of Head that I am. I'm not going to be the remote, austere figure. I'm not like that. I'm like this." True homegrown confidence comes from this daily practice of self-trust—knowing your values, acknowledging your strengths, accepting your limitations, and giving yourself permission to be authentically yourself in all settings.

Chapter 7: Give Yourself Permission: The Power of Being Authentically You

The journey to humble confidence culminates in a fundamental shift: giving yourself full permission to be who you are. This means defining success on your own terms rather than trying to meet others' expectations, embracing your unique strengths rather than mimicking others' styles, and bringing your whole self to every situation rather than compartmentalizing different aspects of your personality. The pressure to conform to others' expectations affects many high achievers. Rebecca Snow, Global HR Vice President for Mars Snacking, reflected on feeling "wired quite differently from a lot of people in the business." Throughout her career, Rebecca noticed she wasn't as excited as many colleagues about hitting sales targets or being the number one brand. While recognizing the importance of commercial performance, she found herself "inspired by different things" than her peers. This difference triggered questions about whether she belonged in the corporate world and whether she needed to pretend enthusiasm for metrics that didn't naturally motivate her. This common dilemma—whether to authentically express your differences or conform to perceived expectations—creates an exhausting internal conflict. The unstated question becomes: "Am I supposed to be like those colleagues?" Answering "yes" leads to playing a part rather than being yourself, which drains energy and undermines confidence. The alternative—embracing your authentic self and trusting that your unique perspective adds value—requires courage but ultimately builds sustainable confidence. Fiona, a senior supply chain leader at a global organization, experienced this challenge when she stepped into global executive forums. Feeling uncomfortable at this senior level, she observed her colleagues closely and identified what she perceived as the accepted leadership style. Since this style differed from her natural approach, Fiona assumed she needed to adapt. By trying to mold herself to fit this template, she inadvertently hid her authentic self, including the very strengths that had driven her success. This self-censorship not only exhausted her but prevented her peers and sponsors from seeing her true capabilities and values. To develop the confidence to be authentically yourself, start by getting clear about your values—what truly matters to you. Review the values you identified earlier and consider how visibly they show up in your work. Would people who know you outside work recognize the "work you"? If not, what might that suggest about the extent to which you're allowing your authentic self to be expressed in professional settings? Try the "promote yourself" exercise to internalize your achievements and capabilities. Write an announcement about a recent accomplishment (like a promotion or completed project), focusing specifically on articulating why it's well-deserved. Detail the behaviors you demonstrated, values you exhibited, and outcomes you delivered. This isn't for sharing—it's a way to fully acknowledge your legitimate strengths and contributions to yourself. Remember that giving yourself permission to be authentic doesn't mean becoming rigid or inflexible. Ben Lamont, Senior HR Director at Kellanova, noted that he still sometimes sees himself as "a sales rep in 2000 selling crisps in Scotland" despite his senior role. While this creates a "likeable humility," Ben recognized the need to balance this grounding with an accurate recognition of his current capabilities to ensure his impact wasn't diminished. Ultimately, the power of authenticity comes from Virginia Woolf's wisdom: "No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself." When you trust that your authentic self is enough—with all its strengths, quirks, and growth areas—you develop a confidence that can't be shaken by external circumstances. You become free to define success on your own terms, contribute in ways that align with your values, and build the unique impact that only you can create.

Summary

The journey to humble confidence is both deeply personal and universally human. Throughout this book, we've explored how confidence acts as fuel for life, enabling action, connection, and growth while helping us navigate inevitable setbacks with resilience. The humble confidence mantra—"I am good enough and I can be better"—encapsulates this balanced approach that allows us to simultaneously accept ourselves as we are while embracing our capacity for continuous development. Take a moment now to review the confidence aspiration you set when beginning this book and acknowledge the small steps you've already taken. Remember that growing confidence happens gradually, often imperceptibly day to day, but builds significantly over time. As the author assures us in her closing words: "Keep going. I'm delighted that you've come this far and I know that you can continue to grow your confidence. I have every faith in you." Your next step might be as simple as challenging your inner critic, recalibrating your self-image, or giving yourself permission to be authentically you in a situation where you've previously held back. Whatever you choose, trust that each small action builds the momentum that ultimately transforms self-doubt into the quiet, steady feeling of "I've got this" that defines true confidence.

About Author

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Julie Smith

Author of 20 mystery novels and a YA paranormal adventure called BAD GIRL SCHOOL (formerly CURSEBUSTERS!). Nine of the mysteries are about a female New Orleans cop Skip Langdon, five about a San Francisco lawyer named Rebecca Schwartz,two about a struggling mystery writer named Paul Mcdonald (whose fate no one should suffer) and four teaming up Talba Wallis, a private eye with many names, a poetic license, and a smoking computer, with veteran P.I. Eddie Valentino. In Bad GIRL SCHOOL, a psychic pink-haired teen-age burglar named Reeno gets recruited by a psychotic telepathic cat to pull a job that involves time travel to an ancient Mayan city. Hint:It HAS to be done before 2012! Winner of the 1991 Edgar Allen Poe Award for best novel, that being NEW ORLEANS MOURNING.Former reporter for the New Orleans TIMES-PICAYUNE and the San Francisco CHRONICLE. Recently licensed private investigator, and thereon hangs a tale.Resident of New Orleans, Louisiana

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