Them

Them Plot Summary

Introduction

America faces a profound paradox in the 21st century: despite unprecedented technological connectivity, material comfort, and economic prosperity, a growing epidemic of loneliness and social isolation threatens individual wellbeing and collective cohesion. This disconnection manifests in alarming trends - rising "deaths of despair" through suicide and substance abuse, declining civic participation, and increasing political polarization that treats fellow citizens as enemies rather than neighbors with different perspectives. The consequences extend beyond personal suffering to undermine the very foundations of democratic society. The crisis stems from multiple converging forces that have eroded traditional community structures. Economic disruption has severed stable work identities that once anchored social bonds. Digital media has replaced genuine connection with shallow substitutes while exploiting tribal instincts for profit. Geographic mobility has weakened local ties without creating adequate replacements. Understanding these dynamics requires examining how fundamental human needs for belonging and meaning clash with modern social arrangements. By diagnosing the roots of our disconnection and exploring practical paths toward rebuilding community, we can address not just symptoms but underlying causes of America's loneliness epidemic.

Chapter 1: The Social Isolation Crisis: Evidence and Consequences

America is experiencing a profound crisis of social disconnection that transcends political and economic divisions. Despite being the wealthiest, most comfortable, and most technologically connected society in human history, Americans increasingly report feeling isolated, adrift, and purposeless. This paradox manifests in alarming health statistics - life expectancy has declined for consecutive years, the first multi-year drop since the early 1960s. The primary drivers aren't wars or infectious diseases but "deaths of despair": suicides, drug overdoses, and alcohol-related fatalities. Medical research has established that loneliness literally kills. Epidemiologists now consider social isolation a health risk comparable to smoking fifteen cigarettes daily - more dangerous than obesity or sedentary lifestyle. The physiological mechanisms are clear: chronic loneliness triggers inflammatory responses, suppresses immune function, and elevates stress hormones. Lonely individuals get sick more frequently, recover more slowly, and face significantly higher risks of heart disease, dementia, and premature death. These findings hold true across demographic categories, making loneliness a universal health threat. The evidence for this crisis appears across multiple dimensions of American life. Since the 1970s, participation in community organizations has plummeted - membership in civic clubs, religious congregations, parent-teacher associations, and neighborhood groups has declined by roughly one-third. Family structures have simultaneously weakened, with fewer shared meals and conversations. Perhaps most troubling, the average American reports having significantly fewer close friends today than three decades ago, while the percentage with no confidants has tripled. This collapse of community bonds has created a stark social divide. Harvard researcher Robert Putnam documents what he calls "scissors graphs" - social indicators that show stability or improvement for the educated upper third of society while revealing dramatic deterioration for everyone else. Those in the top third maintain robust networks providing emotional support, practical assistance, and connections to opportunity. Meanwhile, those in the bottom two-thirds increasingly face isolation and precariousness, lacking both inner circles of intimate relationships and outer circles of casual acquaintances who might offer help during crises. The consequences extend beyond individual suffering to threaten democratic functioning. Communities with strong social capital demonstrate greater resilience during disasters, lower crime rates, better educational outcomes, and more effective governance. When neighbors know and trust each other, collective action becomes possible. As these bonds erode, citizens retreat into private spaces, civic participation declines, and the capacity for democratic self-governance weakens. The resulting vacuum creates fertile ground for political extremism, as isolated individuals seek belonging through ideological tribes defined primarily by opposition to perceived enemies. Addressing this crisis requires recognizing that happiness depends not primarily on material prosperity but on four fundamental factors: loving family relationships, trusted friends, meaningful work that benefits others, and a worldview that makes sense of suffering. When these elements are present, life feels stable and purposeful. When they're absent, no amount of wealth, entertainment, or technological convenience can compensate for the resulting emptiness.

Chapter 2: Digital Disconnection: Technology's Role in Community Erosion

The digital revolution promised unprecedented connection but has delivered a paradoxical form of isolation. This contradiction is perhaps best illustrated by the fact that many technology pioneers - including Apple founder Steve Jobs - strictly limited their own children's access to the devices they created. When asked about his children's iPad usage, Jobs replied bluntly: "They haven't used it. We limit how much technology our kids use at home." This caution reflects an understanding that digital tools, while powerful, can undermine the very connections they claim to enhance. Digital platforms exploit fundamental psychological vulnerabilities through sophisticated design mechanisms. Social media interfaces trigger dopamine releases through unpredictable rewards - likes, comments, shares - creating feedback loops remarkably similar to those in gambling addiction. Notification systems interrupt attention constantly, training users to respond to digital stimuli rather than physical surroundings. Infinite scrolling eliminates natural stopping points, while algorithmic content selection maximizes engagement by promoting material that triggers strong emotional responses - particularly outrage, which drives more interaction than any other emotion. These design features aren't accidental but carefully engineered to capture and monetize attention. The resulting "attention economy" has profoundly reshaped how Americans relate to one another. Face-to-face conversations increasingly compete with digital distractions, creating what sociologist Sherry Turkle calls "present absence" - physical proximity without psychological presence. Family dinners, once opportunities for sustained interaction, now frequently feature multiple participants absorbed in separate device-mediated worlds. Public spaces that once facilitated spontaneous encounters between neighbors have become collections of individuals coexisting while mentally elsewhere. Even intimate relationships suffer as partners choose screen time over conversation, with studies showing smartphone presence significantly reduces reported closeness and empathy during interactions. For adolescents, who undergo crucial social development during teenage years, digital immersion poses particular challenges. Research consistently shows correlations between heavy social media use and increased depression, anxiety, and loneliness among teens. While causality remains complex, evidence suggests that digital platforms intensify harmful social comparison, create pressure for constant performance, and substitute shallow interaction for deeper connection. Most concerning, digital socialization may interfere with developing fundamental interpersonal skills - reading facial expressions, navigating disagreement, sustaining attention through conversational lulls - that form the foundation for healthy adult relationships. The fragmentation of media consumption further undermines community cohesion. Previous generations experienced shared cultural touchpoints through mass media - when the final episode of M*A*S*H aired in 1983, over half the country watched simultaneously. Today's hyper-personalized content streams create fewer common references, while algorithmic filtering increasingly shows users only content that confirms existing beliefs. This narrowing of shared experience makes democratic deliberation more difficult, as citizens inhabit increasingly separate information universes with diminishing overlap. Technology itself isn't inherently destructive to community. Digital tools can enhance connection when they facilitate rather than replace in-person interaction, when they serve human needs rather than corporate profit motives, and when they respect attention as a finite resource rather than an exploitable commodity. The challenge lies not in rejecting technology wholesale but in establishing boundaries that preserve space for the embodied, attentive presence that genuine community requires. This means designing both personal habits and social norms that put technology in its proper place - as servant rather than master of human connection.

Chapter 3: Anti-Tribes: When Shared Hatred Replaces Genuine Belonging

As natural communities have collapsed, many Americans have turned to what might be called "anti-tribes" - groups defined more by shared opposition than shared affirmation. These substitute communities offer a pale imitation of genuine belonging, but they provide at least some relief from isolation. In a society where fewer people know their neighbors or participate in local organizations, the shared experience of political outrage creates a sense of connection, however shallow and ultimately unsatisfying. The psychology behind enemy-formation helps explain this phenomenon. Having foes serves important psychological functions: it helps give life coherence, provides someone to blame for problems, and creates predictability in an uncertain world. Studies show that when people imagine a powerful enemy, they tend to perceive the world as less random and dangerous. Naming an adversary helps put conceptual limits on what threats exist and what they can do. This dynamic explains why media figures across the political spectrum redirect anxiety about complex problems toward concrete, politically convenient targets. This tendency manifests clearly in contemporary political discourse, where Americans increasingly define themselves not by what they believe but by whom they oppose. Political scientist Lilliana Mason has documented how partisan identity has become a "mega-identity" that subsumes other aspects of self-definition. When asked to describe themselves, Americans increasingly mention political affiliation first, before occupation, religion, or family roles. This represents a profound shift from previous eras when most citizens maintained multiple cross-cutting identities that moderated political divisions. Today, political alignment increasingly predicts consumer choices, residential patterns, friendship networks, and even romantic relationships. The media ecosystem has adapted to and intensified these tribal dynamics. Cable news networks no longer aim to inform a broad audience but rather to cultivate passionate, loyal followers who will tune in regularly. This business model depends on what media analysts call "nutpicking" - finding extreme examples of bad behavior from the opposing political tribe and presenting them as representative. By highlighting the most outrageous statements or actions from political opponents, hosts can stoke outrage and reinforce viewers' sense that they are under attack from malevolent forces. As one cable news producer candidly admitted, their segment selection follows a simple rule: "We only do two kinds of stories - those that make people who love us love us more, and those that make people who hate us hate us more." Digital platforms amplify these tendencies through engagement-optimizing algorithms that promote content triggering strong emotional responses. Studies consistently show that posts expressing moral outrage receive significantly more interaction than neutral content. This creates incentives for increasingly extreme rhetoric, as users and content creators compete for attention in crowded information environments. The system rewards not thoughtful analysis but provocative statements that reinforce tribal boundaries and demonize opponents. The rise of anti-tribes represents a profound threat to democratic functioning, which depends on citizens recognizing each other's fundamental dignity despite disagreements. When political opponents are viewed not as fellow Americans with different priorities but as existential threats, compromise becomes impossible and violence increasingly thinkable. Breaking this cycle requires recovering what philosopher Martin Buber called "I-Thou" relationships - encounters that recognize the full humanity of others rather than reducing them to objects of contempt. Only by rebuilding genuine communities based on shared presence and mutual respect can we overcome the hollow substitutes of anti-tribal belonging.

Chapter 4: Economic Disruption: How Work Changes Sever Community Bonds

The transformation of American work patterns has profoundly disrupted traditional community structures. For thousands of years, most humans lived and worked in relatively stable communities where economic activity, family life, and social bonds were geographically intertwined. Even as industrialization created more specialized roles, workers typically remained with a single employer for decades, building lasting relationships with colleagues who often lived nearby. This stability created natural communities where shared economic interests reinforced social connections. Today's economy operates on fundamentally different principles. The average American now stays at a job for just over four years - down dramatically from the two-and-a-half decades typical in the 1970s. This decline in workplace stability has accelerated as technology transforms entire industries. Consider that "driver" currently ranks as America's most common occupation, employing millions across 37 states. Yet analysts predict that two-thirds of these positions could disappear within a decade as autonomous vehicles become mainstream. Similar disruptions loom across sectors from retail to healthcare to legal services. The scale of this transformation is unprecedented. According to research from McKinsey Global Institute, approximately half of current work activities could be automated using existing technology, with up to one-third of American workers needing to change occupations by 2030. While relatively few entire job categories will disappear, most positions will be "unbundled" and "rebundled," with routine tasks automated and human workers focusing on activities requiring emotional intelligence, communication skills, and creative problem-solving. This represents what Bill Gates calls the first broadly intragenerational economic transformation - the same individuals will need to work differently at age 55 than they did at age 35. These changes affect not just economic security but fundamental questions of identity and meaning. Work isn't merely about providing for one's family; it's about having a sense of purpose and a means of serving others. When people lose stable work identities, they often lose their place in a community and their sense of being needed. This loss of purpose can be devastating. As former president Bill Clinton observed: "Work is about more than making a living, as vital as that is. It's fundamental to human dignity, to our sense of self-worth as useful, independent, free people." The shift toward remote work, accelerated by the COVID-19 pandemic, creates additional challenges for community formation. When colleagues interact primarily through screens rather than shared physical spaces, relationships tend to become more transactional and less multidimensional. The spontaneous conversations that build trust and reveal common interests beyond work rarely occur in scheduled video meetings. Even when remote teams develop strong professional bonds, these connections typically lack the geographic proximity that would allow them to extend beyond work contexts into broader community involvement. Geographic mobility compounds these effects. Previous generations often built careers within a single region, allowing professional relationships to intertwine with neighborhood connections, religious congregations, and civic organizations. Today's knowledge workers frequently relocate multiple times for career advancement, disrupting local ties with each move. Even those who remain physically stable often work for distant companies, collaborating with colleagues scattered across the country or globe. This creates what sociologist Ray Oldenburg calls a deficit of "third places" - neither home nor work, but community spaces where diverse people gather informally and build social capital through repeated casual interaction.

Chapter 5: Media's Polarization Business Model: Exploiting Tribal Instincts

The transformation of American media from information providers to tribal identity enforcers represents one of the most significant shifts in public discourse. This evolution reflects both technological changes and deliberate business strategies that capitalize on human psychological vulnerabilities, particularly our innate tribal instincts. In the mid-twentieth century, national media outlets served as shared reference points that fostered a sense of common experience. When Walter Cronkite delivered the evening news, approximately 30 million Americans watched simultaneously. His sign-off - "And that's the way it is" - reflected a journalistic ethos focused on factual reporting that viewers across the political spectrum generally trusted. While this media environment had significant limitations, including marginalization of minority perspectives, it created a shared information foundation for democratic deliberation. Today's fragmented media landscape operates on fundamentally different principles. The proliferation of cable channels, followed by internet news sites and social media platforms, has splintered the audience into increasingly narrow segments. This fragmentation created economic challenges for media organizations, as advertising revenue that once supported broad-based journalism dispersed across countless outlets. In response, many media companies adopted business models focused on cultivating smaller but more engaged audiences through content that reinforces tribal identity and triggers emotional responses. Cable news networks pioneered this approach. Rather than attempting to inform a broad audience, channels like Fox News and MSNBC developed programming explicitly designed to appeal to particular political tribes. This strategy proved remarkably profitable - viewers who see media as affirming their identity watch more frequently and attentively than those seeking balanced information. As former MSNBC president Phil Griffin candidly acknowledged: "We're not the place for breaking news. Our brand is about depth and context and making sense of the news for our audience." This business model depends on what media analysts call "outrage as entertainment" - content that triggers moral indignation while providing the pleasurable sensation of righteousness. Cable hosts across the political spectrum have mastered this approach, presenting news through frameworks that consistently position viewers as virtuous defenders against threatening opponents. The formula works because anger is psychologically intoxicating, creating dopamine releases that reinforce continued consumption. As one cable news producer revealed, their segment selection follows a simple rule: "We only do stories that make our viewers feel either victimized or vindicated." Digital media has intensified these dynamics through sophisticated analytics that track user engagement in real-time. Website editors can immediately see which headlines generate clicks, which stories keep readers engaged, and which content gets shared on social media. This data consistently shows that provocative, partisan content outperforms neutral reporting, creating powerful incentives for increasingly polarized framing. Headlines increasingly tell readers not just what happened but how to feel about it, using emotional triggers to drive engagement. Social media algorithms further amplify polarization by prioritizing content that generates strong reactions. Facebook's internal research, revealed by whistleblower Frances Haugen, confirmed that posts expressing outrage receive approximately six times more engagement than neutral content. This creates what technologists call "engagement traps" - systemic incentives for increasingly extreme rhetoric that captures attention in crowded information environments. Content creators across platforms have learned that nuance and complexity generate less response than clear villains and heroes. The cumulative effect is a media ecosystem optimized for tribal reinforcement rather than shared understanding. Americans increasingly consume different information based on political identity, developing divergent understandings of basic facts. This fragmentation undermines the shared reality necessary for democratic functioning, replacing good-faith disagreement about solutions with fundamental disputes about what problems exist. Breaking this cycle requires both individual media literacy and structural reforms that realign incentives toward accuracy and understanding rather than engagement at any cost.

Chapter 6: Rebuilding Local Connections: Practical Steps Toward Rootedness

Rebuilding community in an age of digital distraction and geographic mobility requires intentional effort at both individual and collective levels. While large-scale social trends have undermined traditional forms of belonging, practical steps can create new patterns of connection rooted in physical proximity and shared experience. Local engagement represents the most direct antidote to isolation. Research consistently shows that meaningful relationships develop through repeated, unplanned interactions in shared spaces - what sociologists call "collision density." This explains why neighborhoods with walkable streets, public parks, and community gathering spots typically foster stronger social bonds than car-dependent suburbs where residents rarely encounter one another. Simple practices like walking rather than driving, frequenting local businesses where faces become familiar, or spending time in public spaces can significantly increase opportunities for connection. These small habits, multiplied over time, create the foundation for deeper relationships. Voluntary associations play a crucial role in community formation. When Alexis de Tocqueville visited America in the 1830s, he marveled at citizens' propensity to form associations addressing every conceivable need. These organizations - from religious congregations to mutual aid societies to civic clubs - created what Robert Putnam later termed "social capital," the networks of reciprocity and trust that enable collective action. Though many traditional associations have declined, their fundamental purpose remains vital. Joining or creating such groups - whether neighborhood associations, recreational leagues, or volunteer organizations - builds relationships across demographic and ideological lines. Intergenerational connections deserve particular attention. Modern society increasingly segregates by age, with young adults, families, and seniors occupying separate social spheres. This arrangement deprives younger generations of wisdom accumulated through experience while isolating older adults from meaningful contribution. Communities flourish when knowledge and responsibility flow across generational boundaries. Mentorship programs, mixed-age housing developments, and family-inclusive community events help restore these natural connections that once formed organically in more stable communities. Religious communities have historically provided among the strongest forms of belonging. Regular worship attendance correlates with larger social networks, greater reported happiness, and increased civic participation. While religious affiliation has declined significantly, the underlying human needs these institutions address remain unchanged. For many, reconnecting with faith traditions offers a path to community grounded in shared values and transcendent purpose. For others, secular organizations providing similar elements - regular gathering, shared rituals, ethical frameworks - may fulfill comparable functions. Hospitality practices create essential spaces for connection. The simple act of inviting others into one's home for shared meals represents a powerful countercultural statement in an age of digital distraction. Unlike restaurant dining or public venues, home gatherings allow for extended, unstructured conversation that builds deeper understanding. Regular practices like neighborhood potlucks, book discussions, or game nights create consistent opportunities for relationship development outside professional contexts. These gatherings work best when devices are minimized, allowing full attention to those physically present. Perhaps most fundamentally, rebuilding community requires recovering the art of conversation. Digital communication, with its emphasis on efficiency and performance, often substitutes information exchange for genuine dialogue. True conversation involves curiosity about others' experiences, willingness to be changed by what we hear, and comfort with silence and ambiguity. Practicing these skills - by putting phones away during meals, creating technology-free gathering spaces, and prioritizing face-to-face interaction - lays the groundwork for authentic connection in an increasingly virtual world.

Chapter 7: Setting Digital Boundaries: Reclaiming Space for Real Relationships

The digital revolution has delivered unprecedented connectivity while simultaneously undermining our capacity for deep relationship. Establishing thoughtful boundaries around technology use represents not rejection of innovation but recognition of human limitations and needs that transcend digital mediation. Research increasingly confirms technology's profound impact on attention and cognition. Studies show that merely having a smartphone visible - even when turned off - reduces cognitive capacity and focus. The brain's neuroplasticity means that habits of constant digital switching literally rewire neural pathways, diminishing capacity for sustained concentration. Nicholas Carr captured this phenomenon in his influential essay "Is Google Making Us Stupid?", noting how internet use had changed his thinking: "Once I was a scuba diver in the sea of words. Now I zip along the surface like a guy on a Jet Ski." This cognitive shift undermines the deep attention necessary for meaningful relationships. The phenomenon of "present absence" deserves particular attention. This occurs when people are physically present but psychologically absent due to device engagement. Parents checking emails during family dinner, friends scrolling social media during conversations, or partners browsing in bed instead of connecting - all represent moments where digital distraction undermines relationship. Research with children shows they perceive parents as less responsive and emotionally available when devices are present, even without active use. Establishing device-free zones and times creates space for genuine presence that digital multitasking makes impossible. Social media presents unique challenges requiring specific boundaries. Platforms designed to maximize engagement employ sophisticated psychological techniques that exploit vulnerability to comparison, validation-seeking, and fear of missing out. Studies consistently link heavy social media use with increased anxiety, depression, and loneliness - particularly among adolescents. Effective boundaries might include limiting platforms used, scheduling specific times for social media rather than allowing constant access, disabling notifications, and regularly evaluating whether specific platforms enhance or diminish wellbeing. Family technology management deserves particular attention given children's developmental vulnerability. Silicon Valley executives - including those who designed addictive platforms - often strictly limit their own children's screen time, recognizing technology's powerful effects. Age-appropriate boundaries might include device-free meals, technology curfews, social media delays until appropriate maturity, and modeling healthy technology use. Rather than viewing such limits as restrictive, they create space for developmental necessities like imaginative play, boredom (which stimulates creativity), and face-to-face social skill development. Workplace technology boundaries have become increasingly necessary as remote work blurs professional and personal domains. Without deliberate limits, work easily expands to fill all available time through constant email checking, messaging, and task management. Effective boundaries might include communication-free periods, designated offline days, and clear expectations regarding response times. Organizations increasingly recognize that such boundaries enhance rather than diminish productivity by preventing burnout and preserving cognitive resources for focused work. Sleep protection represents another crucial boundary. The blue light emitted by screens suppresses melatonin production, delaying sleep onset and reducing sleep quality. Beyond light exposure, the psychological stimulation of social media, news consumption, and entertainment creates arousal incompatible with restful sleep. Given sleep's fundamental role in emotional regulation, cognitive function, and physical health, protecting sleep through digital boundaries - such as device-free bedrooms and screen curfews - yields benefits extending far beyond rest itself. Ultimately, effective digital boundaries reflect values clarification - determining what matters most and aligning technology use accordingly. This approach shifts from reactive consumption to intentional engagement, asking not whether technology is good or bad but whether specific uses serve or undermine core values. By establishing thoughtful limits, we can harness technology's benefits while preserving the embodied presence essential for human flourishing.

Summary

The loneliness epidemic represents not merely a personal challenge but a societal crisis threatening America's foundations. Through examining multiple converging forces - technological, economic, political, and cultural - we can understand how traditional community structures have eroded without adequate replacements. The resulting isolation manifests in alarming health statistics, political dysfunction, and widespread psychological distress. Yet this diagnosis also reveals potential remedies: rebuilding local connections, establishing thoughtful digital boundaries, creating intergenerational bonds, and recovering civic principles that transcend tribal divisions. The path forward requires recognizing a fundamental truth: humans are not designed for isolation but for connection. We flourish not as atomized individuals pursuing maximum autonomy but as members of communities where mutual obligation creates meaning and purpose. This insight doesn't demand rejecting modernity or technological progress, but rather establishing boundaries that preserve space for the embodied, attentive presence that genuine community requires. By deliberately cultivating practices that foster local rootedness while maintaining healthy engagement with broader society, we can address not just symptoms but underlying causes of America's loneliness epidemic. The challenge is significant but the stakes could not be higher - not just individual wellbeing but the future of democratic society depends on rebuilding the connections that make us fully human.

About Author

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Ben Sasse

Ben Sasse is the 13th president of the University of Florida. Immediately prior to his appointment, he served as a U.S. Senator from Nebraska from 2015 to 2023. Ben Sasse is also a fifth-generation Nebraskan. The son of a football and wrestling coach, he attended public school in Fremont, Neb., and spent his summers working soybean and corn fields. He was recruited to wrestle at Harvard before attending Oxford and later earning a Ph.D. in American history from Yale. Prior to serving in the U.S. Senate, Sasse spent five years as president of Midland University back in his hometown. As perhaps the only commuting family in the U.S. Senate during his service, Ben and his wife, Melissa, lived in Nebraska but homeschooled their three children as they commuted weekly back and forth to Washington, DC.

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