Necessary Endings

Necessary Endings Plot Summary

Introduction

Life is a continuous series of beginnings and endings. Yet while we naturally celebrate new beginnings, we often resist endings—even when they're necessary for our growth. Think about the relationships that no longer serve you, the career paths that lead nowhere, or the business strategies that once worked but now drain resources. These situations cry out for closure, but many of us cling to them, believing that persistence alone will somehow transform disappointment into success. This resistance to necessary endings keeps us stuck in cycles of frustration and prevents us from reaching our full potential. The art of knowing when and how to let go is perhaps one of life's most undervalued skills. When we master the ability to prune what no longer serves us, we create space for new growth and opportunity. Throughout these pages, you'll discover how to recognize when it's time to let go, how to execute these endings with confidence and grace, and how to use these transitions as launching pads for remarkable new beginnings.

Chapter 1: Recognize When It's Time to Let Go

Necessary endings are vital for both personal and professional growth. Just as a gardener must prune a rosebush to maintain its health and beauty, we must regularly evaluate what deserves our continued investment and what needs to be cut away. This process isn't about failure—it's about focusing our limited resources on what truly matters. The most powerful insight comes from understanding that not all endings are created equal. There are three distinct types of pruning required in life and business. First, we must remove what might be good but not best—those activities or relationships that aren't terrible but prevent us from investing in truly excellent opportunities. Second, we need to eliminate what's sick and not getting better despite our best efforts. And third, we must clear away what's already dead but taking up space, draining energy that could be directed elsewhere. Consider Blair, a successful businessman who owned a chemical manufacturing company. After years of profitable operations, he noticed troubling signs that his industry was becoming obsolete due to technological advances. Sales were declining, and future prospects looked increasingly bleak. Despite having invested years of his life and substantial resources into the business, Blair made the difficult decision to sell the company. He went back to school, earned his securities license, and launched a completely new career in bonds—where he quickly rose to become one of the top performers in the country. What made Blair's story remarkable was his ability to see reality clearly. Unlike his friend Geoff, who remained stubbornly attached to a failing satellite technology business despite similar market changes, Blair accepted that his industry's time had passed. While Geoff continued to seek investors for a business model with diminishing returns, Blair moved decisively toward a new opportunity. The difference between these two entrepreneurs wasn't intelligence or experience, but rather their relationship with endings. Blair had developed what psychologists call a "worldview" that normalized endings as a natural part of life and business. He understood that seasons change, and what works in one era may not work in another. This perspective allowed him to act before his company's value completely eroded. To develop this same capacity, start by examining your own beliefs about endings. Do you see them as failures, or as natural transitions? Do you accept that everything has a lifecycle? Can you recognize when something has run its course? These questions will help you develop the clarity needed to identify necessary endings in your own life and work. Remember that recognizing when it's time to let go isn't about giving up too easily. It's about having the wisdom to see reality as it is, not as you wish it would be. This clarity becomes the foundation for all the necessary endings you'll need to embrace.

Chapter 2: Identify Types of People and Adjust Your Strategy

Not everyone in your life or business responds to truth and feedback in the same way. Understanding the three fundamental character types allows you to adapt your approach and save yourself countless hours of frustration when trying to create necessary endings with others. The first type is the wise person. When confronted with truth, wise people receive it, process it, and adjust their behavior accordingly. They view feedback as valuable information rather than personal attacks. This was beautifully demonstrated by a newly appointed CEO whom I observed in a coaching session. His board chairman took him to lunch and delivered some difficult feedback about his leadership style, noting that he was acting more like a manager than a visionary leader. Instead of becoming defensive, the CEO looked up thoughtfully and said, "You have just given a great list of the things that I need to learn how to do to be a great CEO. Those are definitely my opportunities to grow. I would like to get better in those areas. Can you guys help me?" This response exemplifies the wise person's approach to feedback. They take ownership of problems, express appreciation for the input, show genuine remorse when appropriate, and immediately shift into problem-solving mode. With wise people, your communication strategy is straightforward: provide clear feedback, offer resources, and give them time to improve. They'll typically deliver the changes needed. The second type is the foolish person. Unlike the wise, foolish people resist truth and refuse to take responsibility. When given feedback, they immediately blame others, make excuses, or shoot the messenger. Consider Kyle, a product manager whose marketing launch failed to meet targets. When his boss addressed the poor performance, Kyle blamed marketing, network television, IT problems—everyone but himself. After repeated attempts to discuss the issue, his boss simply felt hopeless. The foolish person tries to adjust the truth so they don't have to adjust to it. They create conflict when confronted, show no awareness of how their behavior affects others, and position themselves as victims when given feedback. Most importantly, talking about problems with foolish people doesn't help. Your strategy must change from communication to consequences. Stop discussing the problem and instead focus on limits and outcomes: "Since talking about this isn't helping, I'm removing this responsibility from you" or "If this behavior continues, here's what will happen next." The third type is the evil person. While rare, these individuals intentionally cause harm and seek to destroy. They're not merely resistant to feedback—they're actively working against you. With evil people, the strategy is protection: "lawyers, guns, and money," as Warren Zevon famously sang. Create firm boundaries, document everything, involve proper authorities when necessary, and remove yourself from engagement. Understanding these distinctions helps you avoid the common mistake of treating everyone the same way. Endless conversations with foolish people waste time and energy, while failing to set boundaries with destructive individuals can cause irreparable damage. By correctly identifying character types, you can make informed decisions about whom to invest in and how to approach necessary endings with each. The most practical application of this knowledge is learning when to stop talking and start acting. With wise people, continued conversation leads to growth. With foolish people, consequences are the only language they understand. And with evil people, protection becomes your priority. This discernment alone can save you years of frustration and help you execute necessary endings effectively.

Chapter 3: Create Urgency for Necessary Change

One woman once told me, "I know I live in hell, but I know the names of all the streets." This statement perfectly captures why many people remain stuck in painful situations despite knowing they need to change. Even when we recognize the need for a necessary ending, we often lack the motivation to act. Creating urgency becomes essential for overcoming this inertia. The fundamental truth about human behavior is that we resist change we don't feel is urgent. If someone says "Get outside!" you might ignore them. But if they shout "The building is on fire!" you'll move immediately. Our brains are wired to respond to perceived threats and opportunities, making urgency the key to motivating necessary endings. Julie Shimer, CEO of Welch Allyn, demonstrated this principle when she transformed her 95-year-old medical device company. Though the business was profitable with loyal customers and employees, Shimer recognized that continuing their traditional approach to product development would eventually lead to obsolescence. She had witnessed this pattern previously at Motorola, where executives refused to embrace digital cell phone technology, allowing Nokia to seize market leadership. This experience created a sense of urgency that later enabled her to make bold changes at Welch Allyn, moving the entire company to a single diagnostic platform despite the risks involved. To create similar urgency in your situation, try "playing the movie forward"—vividly imagining your future if nothing changes. Ask yourself: "Do I want to be having the same conversations about this problem a year from now? Five years from now?" One executive I coached finally fired an underperforming employee after realizing he couldn't stomach another year of the same frustrations. A woman ended a six-year relationship after picturing herself married to her emotionally unavailable boyfriend, feeling permanently alone despite being in a relationship. This technique works because it makes distant consequences feel immediate. One man finally quit smoking when his coach made him put photos of his young children inside his cigarette pack wrapper, forcing him to confront the possibility of leaving them fatherless with each cigarette. The pain of potential loss became more powerful than the discomfort of quitting. Surrounding yourself with "ending alliances" also creates positive pressure for change. When everyone in your circle believes in the urgency of necessary endings, the group energy sustains individual resolve. I witnessed this with a woman struggling to end a destructive relationship. Her support group created such strong positive pressure that even when tempted to reconnect with her ex-boyfriend, she heard their voices in her head: "What are you thinking? He's just trying to use you again!" This collective energy gave her the strength to maintain her necessary ending. Setting firm deadlines with consequences further generates urgency. One business owner told his management team they had six months to divest 80% of their operations, despite protests that they needed more time to get the best price. His deadline forced action that might otherwise have been postponed indefinitely. Similarly, one leader tells struggling employees they have thirty days to get on board with necessary changes—or leave. Creating urgency isn't about manufacturing crisis but about bringing future realities into present focus. By making the consequences of inaction vividly clear while simultaneously highlighting the opportunities that await after an ending, you align your brain's natural motivational systems with the changes you need to make. This alignment creates the energy required to finally embrace your necessary endings.

Chapter 4: Handle Resistance with Confidence

Even when we recognize the need for an ending and feel motivated to act, we often encounter resistance—both from within ourselves and from others. Understanding and addressing this resistance directly is crucial for successfully executing necessary endings. Internal resistance frequently manifests as incompatible wishes. A CEO I worked with struggled because his management team wanted two things simultaneously: they wanted to increase revenues while maintaining their target profit margins. In a declining market, these goals were incompatible—they needed to lower prices to generate sales, which would temporarily reduce margins. The team's attachment to both outcomes created paralysis. Similar conflicts arise in personal relationships. One woman I counseled was unhappy with her boyfriend's lack of ambition yet insisted she loved him and wanted to stay together. Her incompatible wishes—wanting both an ambitious partner and this specific unmotivated man—kept her stuck. Breaking through such resistance requires acknowledging that you can't have both things, then deciding which desire takes priority. Another form of internal resistance comes from excessive attachment to specific outcomes. One remarkably successful CEO explained his decision-making philosophy: "You do the right thing, make the best choice, and 'let the chips fall where they may.'" This detachment from particular results gave him tremendous power in negotiations and difficult conversations. He could walk away when necessary because he wasn't overly invested in any single outcome. This principle applies equally to personal relationships. If you can't stand the thought of someone walking away, you'll never be able to establish healthy boundaries. As the CEO put it, you must be able to "let the chips fall where they may" to make wise choices. We also resist endings through what I call "medicating thoughts"—soothing internal narratives that calm our anxiety but prevent necessary action. The most common is the "I'll do it later" thought, which provides temporary relief without requiring actual change. Another is selective memory, where we focus exclusively on positive aspects of a problematic situation while ignoring critical flaws. One woman repeatedly avoided ending a relationship by dwelling only on her boyfriend's charm and humor while minimizing his consistent unavailability and defensiveness. External resistance also creates obstacles. Self-absorbed resisters oppose your necessary endings because they focus only on how the change affects them personally. Threatened resisters fight your changes because your growth highlights their stagnation. Most challenging are what John Kotter calls "NoNos"—highly skilled urgency killers who aren't open to any information that might change their minds. A business owner I consulted with encountered fierce resistance when closing a division that was merely breaking even. His management team kept insisting, "But it might make money someday, and since we aren't losing money on it, let's keep it." This "hoarding" mentality—keeping something just because "we might need it"—prevented necessary pruning of resources. The key to handling all forms of resistance is recognizing these patterns when they emerge. When you catch yourself saying "I'll do it later" or focusing solely on the positives of a problematic situation, pause and challenge these thoughts. With external resisters, limit your engagement—particularly with NoNos who aren't interested in productive dialogue. Remember that resistance itself often signals you're making the right move. Necessary endings disrupt comfortable patterns, even harmful ones, and this disruption naturally creates pushback. By anticipating resistance and developing strategies to address it, you can move forward with your necessary endings despite the inevitable obstacles you'll encounter.

Chapter 5: Navigate the Difficult Conversation

One of the most challenging aspects of creating a necessary ending is the conversation itself. Many people reach a clear decision internally but then stall completely when faced with actually communicating that ending to others. They play the conversation repeatedly in their minds, imagining worst-case scenarios and becoming increasingly reluctant to proceed. Lori, a leader in an advertising firm, faced exactly this dilemma. She had been recruited to a larger company with greater opportunities and needed to build a new team. Everyone assumed she would bring Jeff, her brilliant but difficult deputy of seven years. Despite Jeff's exceptional analytical skills, his divisive behavior had created a toxic culture, with Lori constantly smoothing over conflicts he created. After much reflection, she decided not to take him along—but dreaded telling him. The key to navigating such conversations successfully is thorough preparation. Begin by clarifying your goals: What specific outcome do you want from the conversation? Do you want to end the relationship completely, change a particular pattern, or leave the door open for future possibilities? Having clear objectives prevents getting sidetracked during emotional moments. Before the conversation, integrate both care and truth within yourself. Many people go "squishy on the truth" out of concern for the other person's feelings, which undermines the ending. Others focus solely on "dealing with reality" without empathy, needlessly hurting the other person. The most effective approach combines authentic concern with clear truth—think Simon Cowell plus some genuine care. Remind yourself that if something isn't right for one party, it ultimately isn't right for either. This perspective allows you to be both kind and clear. For particularly difficult conversations, practice through role-play with someone you trust, or write out key points beforehand. Having notes to reference can provide security if you become flustered. Pay careful attention to your tone, keeping it soft and caring to minimize defensive reactions. Your emotional presence—truly being "there" with the person—helps them feel supported even through difficult news. Make sure to validate the person and your relationship: "I hope you know how much I value you and our relationship." This helps separate the issues necessitating the ending from the person themselves. At the conclusion, confirm mutual understanding by asking, "What have you heard me say?" This allows you to correct any misinterpretations immediately. When facing defensiveness or emotional reactions, combine empathy with a return to your message: "I understand this is frustrating to hear, and it's hard. But I need you to understand what I'm saying." Stay on message regardless of their response—you can control only yourself, not their reaction. In some situations, particularly those involving potential litigation or highly volatile individuals, bring someone else to the conversation as a witness. Document what occurs immediately afterward. This precaution protects you if problems arise later. Surprisingly, many difficult conversations turn out better than expected. One woman I coached had avoided breaking up with dates directly, preferring to simply disappear. I insisted she call her current date and clearly end things. She was shocked when he thanked her for her honesty, saying, "You've restored my faith in women and saved me a lot of time by not continuing to go out if it wasn't going to go anywhere." The clearer and kinder you are in communicating endings, the better people you'll find yourself surrounded by in life and work. Except in rare cases involving truly destructive individuals, don't burn bridges—leave things in good shape for potential future interactions. And finally, don't be squishy. If you've decided on an ending, make it clear and definitive to avoid having to repeat the process later.

Chapter 6: Embrace Grief and Process Your Endings

When Moe Girkins, CEO of Zondervan Publishers, had to close a decades-old company owned by AT&T, she did something unexpected—she held a funeral. She gathered everyone together to tell stories, reminisce, and cry. They celebrated the past, said goodbye to it, and even buried a time capsule on the site. This ceremony allowed employees to properly grieve what was ending and then move forward to what was next. This approach reflects a profound understanding of human psychology. When we invest emotional energy in something—whether a relationship, a job, or a business venture—withdrawing that investment creates an impact we must process. This emotional letting go, what psychologists call "decathecting," is essential for freeing our energy to invest elsewhere. The grieving process helps us face the reality that something is truly over and feel the associated emotions, which paradoxically moves us forward. Unlike emotions that keep us stuck, grief has forward motion. It acknowledges, "I am looking this reality right in the face and dealing with it. This is over. Finished. And I am getting ready for what is next." When we skip this process, we often stay stuck in denial or make poor rebound decisions to avoid feeling our grief. I once consulted with an executive team troubled by their CEO's pattern of launching questionable initiatives. When we created a timeline of these ventures, a clear pattern emerged—each problematic initiative immediately followed a disappointment or failure in normal operations. Rather than processing these setbacks, the CEO would quickly jump into a new venture to avoid feeling the grief. This is the business equivalent of rushing into a rebound relationship after a breakup, choosing based on immediate emotional need rather than long-term merit. The healthier alternative is to metabolize your endings—a process similar to how your body metabolizes food. When you metabolize food, your body extracts useful nutrients and eliminates waste. Similarly, when processing an ending, you should extract valuable lessons while releasing pain, bitterness, or resentment. This approach transforms endings from pure losses into valuable growth experiences. Joe, an entrepreneur who had recently left a company he founded after conflicts with investors, wanted to immediately launch his next venture. I cautioned him against moving too quickly, suggesting we first conduct an "autopsy" on his previous business. By thoroughly examining what worked and what didn't, Joe gained insights that prevented him from repeating past mistakes. He learned to recognize patterns in his leadership style that had contributed to the problems, identified specific steps to avoid similar issues, and gained clarity about the type of business structure that would better suit his strengths. Teams can benefit from this metabolizing process as well. I led an executive retreat focused entirely on examining a recently completed venture. The team identified structural changes needed to prevent past mistakes, captured valuable lessons from their partners, made personnel decisions based on previously unrecognized strengths, and ultimately developed a strategic shift that provided clear direction for their future. This reflective process yielded more valuable insights than a traditional planning retreat would have. In personal relationships, the same principle applies. Jennifer, recently divorced, wanted to immediately begin dating again. I persuaded her instead to join a divorce recovery group for six months. Through this process, she gained crucial insights about her patterns in relationships, particularly her attraction to controlling men who left no space for her needs. By metabolizing her marriage's ending rather than rushing into a new relationship, she eventually found a healthier partnership. Whether in business or personal life, proper grieving and metabolizing of endings ensures you carry forward wisdom rather than unresolved pain. By celebrating what was valuable, learning from what went wrong, and consciously releasing what no longer serves you, you transform necessary endings into launching pads for better beginnings. This approach honors the significance of what's ending while creating space for what comes next.

Chapter 7: Ensure Your Path Forward Is Sustainable

Webster defines "sustainable" as "a method of harvesting or using a resource so that the resource is not depleted or permanently damaged." This definition highlights a crucial aspect of necessary endings—they become essential when your current path is unsustainable and threatens to deplete your fundamental resources. Unsustainable situations arise in numerous forms. A CEO might push employees beyond their capacities until they lose heart and motivation. A business owner might work day and night on a startup until their health deteriorates. A spouse might repeatedly forgive disrespectful behavior until they lose their capacity for love itself. A company might take on increasing debt while waiting for an elusive turnaround. In each case, something vital is being steadily depleted—emotional reserves, physical health, financial resources, or core values. The danger of unsustainable paths is that they eventually eliminate options. When your resources are completely spent, good choices disappear, forcing you to accept whatever limited options remain. This is why sustainability is such a compelling reason for necessary endings—as long as you have options, you have hope. To assess sustainability in your own situation, ask yourself targeted questions about different life dimensions. Is your emotional state sustainable, or are you headed for burnout? Is your physical condition sustainable, or are you sacrificing sleep, nutrition, or exercise with no end in sight? Are your relationships sustainable, or is someone consistently diminishing you? Is your professional situation sustainable, or is something slowly killing your passion and drive? Examine your spiritual state as well—is hope being deferred in ways that create soul sickness? Financially, are your expenses consistently exceeding income with no resolution in sight? Are your energy reserves being steadily depleted? Are your natural strengths falling into disuse because your current path requires you to be "not you" most of the time? Pay particular attention to situations that began as temporary exceptions but have become permanent patterns. Many people find themselves in unsustainable schedules or workloads that were initially presented as short-term sacrifices but have become the new normal. What was supposed to be a season has become a permanent structure, built around extraordinary effort from a single source—you. Remember that sustainability doesn't preclude sacrifice or difficulty. We all choose challenging paths for good reasons. What makes a situation unsustainable is its passive, negative nature—a state with no benefits and nothing but diminishing returns. These situations don't build you up through constructive challenges; they slowly break you down through relentless depletion. When you identify an unsustainable path, immediate action becomes necessary—not just important. You might need to reorganize, bring in help, make a change, or execute an ending. This doesn't always mean ending everything in the "big picture." Sometimes you only need to end the unsustainable dynamic within a larger relationship or commitment, as when a spouse creates boundaries with an addicted partner without necessarily ending the marriage. As you evaluate sustainability, also consider your timeline. Just as a business must track its cash position to know when it will run out of resources, you should assess how quickly your emotional, physical, and spiritual reserves are depleting. Are you in the first, second, or third trimester of complete depletion? Let this assessment guide how urgently you need to act. Creating necessary endings before you reach complete depletion preserves your ability to make choices from a position of strength rather than desperation. By recognizing unsustainable patterns early and taking decisive action, you protect your core resources and ensure your capacity to thrive in whatever comes next.

Summary

Throughout these pages, we've explored how necessary endings—when approached with wisdom, courage, and proper execution—become the very doorways to our most meaningful beginnings. As my friend Brian once shared, "I realized that so much of my life, the really good stuff, came about not because I was smart enough to plan it that way. Every time something ended, that ending led to the next thing that was what I needed and was looking for. My job was just to take the step that seemed right, to end one thing so the next could happen." This profound insight captures the essence of necessary endings. Our capacity to identify what no longer serves us, to execute those endings with both compassion and clarity, and to process the associated emotions determines much of our success and fulfillment. Whether pruning underperforming business units, setting boundaries with difficult people, or releasing relationships that deplete rather than nourish us, these endings create the space necessary for new growth. Your next meaningful step forward depends on your willingness to let go of what stands in its way. Today, identify one area where you've been hesitating to create a necessary ending—perhaps a relationship that consistently diminishes you, a business strategy that drains resources without adequate returns, or a personal habit that no longer serves your vision. Then take decisive action, knowing that on the other side of this ending lies the beginning you've been seeking all along.

About Author

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Henry Cloud

Dr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.

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