13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do

13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do Plot Summary

Introduction

Parenting is perhaps the most rewarding yet challenging journey many of us will ever undertake. As we navigate this path, we often wonder: are we equipping our children with the inner resources they'll need to face life's inevitable challenges? In a world where children increasingly struggle with anxiety, pressure, and emotional regulation, the need for mental resilience has never been more critical. The journey to raising mentally strong children isn't about eliminating obstacles from their path—it's about teaching them how to overcome those obstacles with confidence and grace. When we shield our children from discomfort or solve all their problems, we inadvertently weaken their ability to handle life's difficulties. True resilience comes from experiencing manageable challenges and learning to navigate them successfully. This book offers practical strategies to help your child develop the mental muscle needed to face adversity, bounce back from failure, and approach life with confidence and optimism.

Chapter 1: Avoid Fostering a Victim Mentality

At its core, avoiding a victim mentality means teaching children they have control over their responses to life's challenges. When children believe they're victims of circumstance, they feel powerless and develop a passive approach to life. Instead, we want to nurture a sense of personal agency—the understanding that while they can't control everything that happens, they can always control how they respond. Consider the case of Cody, a fourteen-year-old struggling in school. His parents believed his ADHD made it impossible for him to succeed academically. In therapy sessions, they explained that the school wasn't accommodating enough and that Cody couldn't possibly keep up with his peers. This perspective had profoundly affected Cody—he'd stopped trying because he believed he was incapable of success due to his diagnosis. The turning point came when Cody's parents learned that ADHD wasn't an insurmountable barrier. Many successful individuals, including entrepreneurs, athletes, and musicians, had thrived despite having ADHD. This knowledge transformed their approach. Rather than viewing Cody as a victim of his diagnosis, they began supporting his education differently—helping him complete homework, establishing consistent routines, and holding him accountable for his responsibilities. With this shift in perspective, Cody's grades improved dramatically. His teachers noticed a difference in his attitude, and he felt less overwhelmed by his assignments. The key change wasn't in Cody's ADHD—it was in the belief system surrounding it. His parents stopped seeing him as a victim and started seeing him as capable of overcoming challenges. To foster this resilient mindset in your own children, start by examining how you respond to setbacks. When your child faces difficulty, resist the urge to blame external factors. Instead, guide them to identify what aspects they can control. Ask questions like "What choices do you have right now?" or "What could you do differently next time?" This helps them focus on solutions rather than problems. Also, teach your child to distinguish between "BLUE thoughts" and true thoughts. BLUE stands for Blaming everyone else, Looking for bad news, Unhappy guessing, and Exaggeratedly negative thinking. When your child expresses a thought that seems overly negative, ask "Is that a BLUE thought or a true thought?" This simple framework helps children recognize when their thinking patterns are reinforcing a victim mentality. By consistently redirecting your child's focus from external circumstances to internal choices, you'll help them develop the mental strength to face life's challenges with confidence and resilience, rather than helplessness and defeat.

Chapter 2: Establish Clear Values and Boundaries

Establishing clear values and boundaries creates the framework within which children can develop mental strength. When children understand what matters most to their family and where the lines are drawn, they gain the security and confidence to navigate the world. This foundation of values and boundaries doesn't restrict children—it empowers them to make better choices. Joe, a father of an eight-year-old boy named Micah who was significantly overweight, struggled with setting boundaries around food. Despite warnings from Micah's pediatrician about serious health risks, Joe continued giving his son whatever food he wanted. "I know I feed him too much, but I can't stand to see him hungry," Joe explained. Whenever Micah cried and begged for more food, Joe gave in to alleviate his own guilt. The situation reached a crisis point when the pediatrician threatened to contact Child Protective Services. Joe realized he needed to change his approach. In therapy, he acknowledged two key problems: he lacked basic nutritional information, and he couldn't tolerate feeling guilty when saying no to his son. The solution involved consulting a dietitian to learn about proper nutrition and creating a clear plan for dealing with Micah's inevitable backlash when limits were set. As Joe implemented these changes, he struggled initially with the guilt of denying his son extra food. However, he gradually shifted his perspective—instead of seeing himself as depriving Micah, he focused on the health benefits his son would experience from eating appropriate portions. Over time, saying no became easier, and Micah began to lose weight. More importantly, he stopped gaining weight, which satisfied his dietitian. To establish healthy boundaries in your own family, start by examining how you handle guilt. Ask yourself whether your guilt is warranted, if there's something you can change, and what specific steps you could take to improve the situation. Remember that feeling guilty doesn't necessarily mean you've done something wrong—it might simply indicate that you're setting appropriate limits. When communicating boundaries to your child, use what psychologists call "Grandma's Rule of Discipline"—frame privileges as things that can be earned through responsible behavior. Instead of saying, "You can't play outside until your room is clean," say, "You can play outside as soon as your room is clean." This subtle shift in language helps your child recognize that they have control over earning privileges. Finally, teach your child to distinguish between their "shoulder angel" and "shoulder devil"—the parts of their brain that tell them to follow or break rules. Explain that listening to their "shoulder angel" (their conscience) leads to better outcomes, even when it's challenging. This metaphor helps children internalize values rather than simply following rules out of fear of punishment. By establishing clear values and consistent boundaries, you provide your child with the structure they need to develop self-discipline and make choices aligned with your family's core principles.

Chapter 3: Teach Emotional Regulation Skills

Emotional regulation is the ability to manage feelings effectively—not suppressing emotions, but understanding and expressing them in healthy ways. Children who can regulate their emotions are better equipped to handle life's challenges without being overwhelmed by their feelings. This skill is fundamental to mental strength and resilience. Grace, a twelve-year-old girl, was referred to therapy because she was having social problems at school. Her parents, Jeremy and Suzanne, described her as "sensitive" and had always rescued her from uncomfortable emotions. Whenever Grace felt upset at school, she'd call her parents, who would pick her up early and take her for ice cream. This pattern had stunted Grace's emotional development—at twelve, she had the emotional maturity of a typical four- or five-year-old. During therapy sessions, it became clear that Grace's parents were walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting her. If she didn't want to do something, they made sure she didn't have to. This approach might have seemed kind, but it prevented Grace from developing crucial emotional skills. Her friendships were deteriorating because other twelve-year-olds didn't accommodate her like her parents did. The breakthrough came when Jeremy and Suzanne realized that emotion regulation was a skill that could be learned—just like tying shoes or making a bed. They stopped viewing their role as "rescuers" and became "coaches" instead. They no longer picked Grace up from school when she was having a bad day, and they started saying no, holding her accountable, and giving consequences when she broke rules. Over several months, Grace learned to identify her emotions, express them appropriately, and cope with discomfort. As her emotional understanding improved, her empathy for others increased as well. She began to recognize how others might feel when she was bossy or threw tantrums. Gradually, she developed the skills needed to form genuine friendships. To help your child develop emotional regulation, start by teaching them to label their feelings. Use phrases like "It looks like you're feeling frustrated right now" or "You seem disappointed that we can't go to the park." As your child's understanding grows, introduce more sophisticated feeling words like "anxious," "overwhelmed," or "relieved." When your child experiences difficult emotions, validate their feelings without rushing to fix the problem. Say something like "I understand you feel sad that we can't go to the movies today. It's disappointing when you can't do something you really want to do." This shows that you accept their emotions while still maintaining boundaries. Create a "mood booster kit" with your child—a collection of activities and items that help them feel better when they're down. Similarly, develop a "calm-down kit" with tools that help them manage anger or anxiety. These concrete resources give your child practical ways to regulate their emotions independently. By teaching your child that emotions are normal and manageable, you're providing them with tools that will serve them throughout life. A child who can navigate their emotional landscape effectively is better prepared to face challenges with confidence and resilience.

Chapter 4: Allow Children to Experience Discomfort

Allowing children to experience discomfort means resisting the urge to shield them from every difficult emotion or challenging situation. When we let children face age-appropriate struggles, we give them opportunities to build resilience and develop coping skills they'll need throughout life. Julie, a divorced mother of three children, had maintained an unusually close relationship with her ex-husband Michael. Though divorced for five years, she invited him to dinner every Sunday, included him in all holiday celebrations, and even bought gifts labeled from "Mom and Dad." When Julie began dating David, a man she could see a future with, complications arose. Michael was rude to David, making sarcastic comments and insulting him whenever they crossed paths. Julie's dilemma intensified as Christmas approached. She wanted to invite David to spend the holiday with her and the children, but knew Michael would expect to be there as well. Seeking therapy to manage her stress, Julie explained, "I'm afraid I'm going to have a nervous breakdown before the holidays even get here." When asked why spending holidays with Michael was so important, she replied, "Because the kids want us to all be together like a family." Through therapy, Julie realized she had been delaying the inevitable grief her children needed to experience about their parents' divorce. By maintaining the illusion that they were still a family unit, she was preventing her children from adjusting to their new reality. She was also harming her current relationship with David. Julie made the difficult decision to tell Michael he wasn't welcome in her home for Christmas. She spent that holiday with just her children, creating new traditions. The children were sad that their father wasn't there, but Julie explained it was time to have separate holiday celebrations. Later that evening, they visited Michael at his home. In the following weeks, Julie established clearer boundaries with Michael. She changed the locks on her doors and made it clear they needed to live separate lives. Though her children were initially saddened by these changes, Julie recognized this was part of their healing process. For the first time, they were grieving the fact that their family was no longer intact—a necessary step toward accepting their new normal. To help your own children develop resilience through discomfort, start by examining your beliefs about pain. If you believe pain is intolerable or that children can't cope with difficult emotions, you'll be more likely to shield them unnecessarily. Remember that pain serves important purposes—it helps children recognize pleasure, form social bonds, and develop mindfulness. When your child experiences emotional pain, acknowledge it rather than dismissing it. Say things like "I can see that really hurts" or "I know you're in a lot of pain right now." Then support their efforts to deal with the pain in a productive manner, without rushing to fix everything. For physical pain or necessary medical procedures, provide distraction to help your child endure it. But for emotional challenges, teach them to recognize when pain is a friend (signaling something important) and when it's an enemy (causing unnecessary suffering). This distinction helps children develop wisdom about their emotional experiences. By allowing your children to experience manageable discomfort, you're teaching them that they're strong enough to handle life's inevitable challenges—a lesson that builds confidence and resilience far more effectively than constant protection ever could.

Chapter 5: Build Responsibility Through Natural Consequences

Building responsibility through natural consequences means allowing children to experience the direct results of their choices without parental interference. When children see the clear connection between their actions and outcomes, they develop an internal sense of responsibility that motivates better decision-making in the future. Martha and Jim sought therapy because their 25-year-old son Chris had finally moved out of their basement after seven years of playing video games and avoiding work. Though they were relieved he was gone, they faced a new problem—Chris wasn't earning enough money to be truly independent and kept asking them for financial support. To ensure he could keep his apartment, they handed over cash every month, depleting their savings. When asked about Chris's financial skills, Martha and Jim acknowledged he couldn't balance a checkbook, create a budget, or set aside money for savings. They weren't even sure how much he earned, as he refused to share that information. The therapist explained that as long as they enabled him, Chris wouldn't change on his own. If they wanted him to become financially stable, they needed to change their approach. The therapist recommended establishing ground rules: Chris had to share information about his income, work with them on creating a budget, learn financial management skills, and receive only a certain amount of money each month. Jim worried that if they didn't give Chris money, he'd be evicted and move back home forever. The therapist reminded them that if Chris chose not to work with them, it would be his choice, and they weren't obligated to let him move back in. After careful consideration, Martha and Jim implemented the plan. When they told Chris about the new rules, he initially responded with anger, calling them "controlling" and hanging up the phone. But when his rent came due, he agreed to meet and review his finances. Together, they discovered he wasn't earning enough to cover his bills. Martha and Jim agreed to cover his car payment as long as he continued practicing budgeting skills and working with them to learn financial responsibility. To implement natural consequences in your own parenting, start by expecting your child to be responsible. Many parents underestimate what their children are capable of doing. Give your child opportunities to practice doing things independently, even if it takes longer than doing it yourself. View this as an investment—the more time you spend teaching them now, the less time you'll spend doing things for them later. Hold your child accountable when they're irresponsible. If they forget to pack something important or miss a deadline, resist the urge to rescue them. Instead, let them experience the natural outcome of their choices. Show empathy rather than anger when allowing these consequences: "I know you're sad you won't be able to participate in practice because you forgot your sneakers. Hopefully next time you'll remember to bring them." Use "Grandma's Rule of Discipline" to frame privileges as things that can be earned through responsible behavior. Say, "When you're done with your homework, you can play on the computer" or "As soon as your chores are done, you can ride your bike." This approach teaches your child that they have control over when they earn privileges. By allowing your child to experience the natural outcomes of their choices within a supportive environment, you help them develop the internal motivation and skills they'll need to become responsible adults who can stand on their own two feet.

Chapter 6: Balance Discipline with Compassion

Balancing discipline with compassion means setting clear boundaries while maintaining a supportive, loving relationship with your child. Effective discipline isn't about punishment or control—it's about teaching children the skills they need to make better choices in the future. Jeff and Heidi brought their eleven-year-old son, Dylan, to therapy because they were exasperated with his defiant behavior. They described how Dylan refused to do chores, argued about bedtime, and constantly fought with his brother. When he misbehaved, they took away his privileges, but he never behaved long enough to earn anything back. "He has a bed and some blankets in his room, but that's about it at this point. We had to take everything else away," Jeff explained. Despite these harsh punishments, Dylan's behavior wasn't improving. Interestingly, he rarely got into trouble at school, suggesting he could behave appropriately in structured environments. After assessment, the therapist explained that Dylan didn't have any mental health problems—the issue was with their parenting approach. They were confusing discipline with punishment. The therapist identified two main problems: Dylan had little incentive to follow rules since everything had already been taken away, and his parents had developed a negative view of him, labeling him as a "bad kid." The recommendations included spending quality time with Dylan, catching him being good, and giving him a fresh start every day with opportunities to earn privileges. Jeff and Heidi had expected they would need even harsher punishments to "teach Dylan a lesson." Instead, changing their interactions with him and using discipline rather than punishment helped transform his behavior. Jeff later reflected that the positive attention they gave Dylan was the most effective intervention—many of his behavior problems had stemmed from attempts to gain their attention, even if it was negative. To balance discipline with compassion in your own parenting, start by assessing your leadership style. Think about the best boss you've ever had—what qualities made them effective? Then consider whether your parenting reflects those same qualities. Good leaders inspire people to do their best work, while poor leaders create resistance and resentment. Establish clear rules that promote morality, healthy habits, safety, good social skills, and real-world preparation. Keep these rules simple and visible in your home. When your child breaks a rule, use logical consequences that relate directly to the misbehavior. For example, if your child hits his brother with a toy, take the toy away for 24 hours. Create a supportive environment by offering comfort when your child is upset, encouraging them when they're doing their best, spending quality time together, and catching them being good. When your child knows your love isn't contingent on perfect behavior, they'll be more receptive to your guidance. Use discipline strategies that teach life lessons rather than just inflicting suffering. Time-out can help young children learn to calm themselves down, while problem-solving conversations help teenagers develop better decision-making skills. Frame rewards as positive reinforcement for good behavior rather than bribes to prevent bad behavior. By combining firm boundaries with genuine warmth and support, you create an environment where your child can learn from mistakes while feeling secure in your love. This balanced approach to discipline helps children develop the self-regulation skills they'll need to become responsible, caring adults.

Chapter 7: Model Mental Strength in Your Own Life

Modeling mental strength means demonstrating through your own actions the resilience and emotional skills you want your child to develop. Children learn more from what you do than what you say, making your example the most powerful teaching tool you possess. Nicole, a part-time working mother of three children ages four, seven, and nine, called a therapist saying, "I'm not even sure which kid to bring in first. All three of them don't listen." Her husband Brian worked long hours, leaving Nicole as the primary caregiver. By evening, when she was trying to get the children to do homework, take baths, and pick up after themselves, she was exhausted. When asked how she responded to their misbehavior, Nicole admitted, "I'm usually too tired to argue with the kids. If they refuse to pick up after themselves, I just do it myself. If they're crying because they want something, I give it to them." The therapist identified that Nicole wasn't following through with discipline strategies because she was too tired, and she was taking shortcuts that made her life easier in the moment but created bigger problems long-term. The therapist recommended establishing clear rules and consequences as a couple, developing a plan for misbehavior, and finding strategies to help Nicole recharge her batteries. Brian agreed to come home earlier two nights per week, and Nicole decided to carve out some time for herself—grabbing coffee with a friend or running errands alone at least one afternoon per week. Once Nicole began viewing discipline as a long-term investment rather than an immediate burden, she was less tempted to take shortcuts. She realized that teaching her kids to do their chores now would mean spending less time doing their chores for them in the future. As she consistently enforced boundaries, her children's behavior improved dramatically. To model mental strength in your own life, start by identifying the shortcuts you take when you're tired or stressed. Do you ignore behavior problems because addressing them requires too much energy? Do you do things for your kids rather than teaching them to do those things themselves? Create a plan to avoid these shortcuts, even when it's difficult. Find healthy ways to charge your batteries. Just as electronic devices need regular recharging, you need to replenish your energy to function at your best. Make self-care a priority by exercising, pursuing hobbies, spending time with friends, or engaging in activities that rejuvenate you. When you feel energized, you'll be less likely to take unhealthy shortcuts. Help your child establish challenging yet realistic goals, and support their efforts to achieve them. When they face obstacles, teach them to create constructive mantras like "I can do hard things" or "Keep moving my feet" to push through discomfort. For preschoolers, try the "Batman effect"—research shows children persist at tasks longer when they pretend to be hardworking characters like Batman or Dora the Explorer. With school-age children, conduct "behavioral experiments" to challenge negative thinking. If your child says, "I can't run anymore, I'm too tired," encourage them to try for just 30 more seconds to prove to themselves they're stronger than they think. For teenagers, have honest conversations about shortcuts, acknowledging their temporary benefits while explaining their long-term costs. By demonstrating persistence in your own life and teaching your child to resist unhealthy shortcuts, you provide a powerful model of mental strength. When your child sees you facing challenges with determination and resilience, they learn that discomfort is temporary and that the rewards of perseverance far outweigh the momentary relief of giving up.

Summary

The journey of raising mentally strong children is ultimately about balance—protecting them enough to keep them safe while allowing them enough freedom to develop resilience. As we've explored throughout this book, mental strength isn't about suppressing emotions or acting tough; it's about developing the skills to navigate life's challenges with confidence and grace. As author Amy Morin reminds us, "Helping your child build mental strength is a journey, not a destination. As your child grows, his challenges will grow bigger right along with him." Today, take one small step toward fostering mental strength in your child. Perhaps validate their feelings without rushing to solve their problem, or allow them to experience a minor disappointment without rescuing them. Remember that each time you step back and let your child face a manageable challenge, you're not being cruel—you're giving them the gift of confidence in their own abilities. By consistently applying these principles, you'll raise children who don't just survive life's inevitable hardships—they thrive because of them.

About Author

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Amy Morin

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist and the award-winning host of Mentally Stronger, one of the top health podcasts in the world.She's an international bestselling author of five books on mental strength. Her books, including 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, have been translated into more than 40 languages.Forbes calls her a "thought leadership star" and The Guardian dubbed her "the self-help guru of the moment."

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