American Savage

American Savage Plot Summary

Introduction

Sexual ethics has long been dominated by rigid frameworks that categorize behaviors as either moral or immoral based on traditional religious doctrines or cultural norms. This binary approach fails to account for the complex reality of human sexuality and relationships, often causing unnecessary suffering while providing little guidance for navigating real-world ethical dilemmas. By examining sexual ethics through a pragmatic lens that prioritizes consent, honesty, and harm reduction over abstract moral absolutes, we can develop more nuanced frameworks that respect human diversity while maintaining core ethical principles. The pragmatic approach to sexual ethics doesn't reject all traditional values but rather subjects them to critical examination based on their consequences for human wellbeing. This perspective allows us to distinguish between ethical principles that genuinely protect human dignity and those that merely enforce cultural prejudices or outdated taboos. Through careful analysis of common moral arguments about sexuality, relationships, and identity, we can build a more compassionate ethical framework that supports authentic self-expression while acknowledging the legitimate need for boundaries and mutual respect in intimate relationships.

Chapter 1: Challenging Binary Morality in Sexual Ethics

Traditional approaches to sexual morality often frame discussions in absolute terms - certain acts are inherently wrong while others are permissible within specific contexts like marriage. This binary framework creates a false dichotomy that fails to capture the nuanced reality of human sexuality and relationships. By examining the real-world consequences of moral beliefs rather than relying solely on abstract principles, we can develop more effective ethical frameworks that reduce harm while respecting human diversity. Binary moral thinking about sexuality typically relies on appeals to nature, religious doctrine, or cultural tradition rather than evidence about what actually promotes human flourishing. This approach ignores the vast diversity of sexual expression across cultures and throughout history, imposing universal standards based on particular cultural contexts. When we examine the consequences of such rigid frameworks, we often find they cause significant psychological harm, especially for those whose natural inclinations don't align with prescribed norms. A more nuanced approach recognizes that ethical sexual behavior isn't determined by which specific acts are performed but rather by the context in which they occur. Consent emerges as the fundamental ethical principle, but even consent exists on a spectrum rather than as a simple yes/no binary. Factors like power dynamics, emotional authenticity, and mutual respect all influence whether nominally consensual interactions are truly ethical. This complexity requires moving beyond simplistic rules toward virtue-based ethics that emphasize character development and contextual judgment. Sexual ethics must also navigate the tension between individual autonomy and communal values. While personal freedom in sexual expression is increasingly valued in modern societies, we also recognize that sexual behaviors exist within social contexts and can impact communities. Finding the balance between respecting individual choice and acknowledging our responsibilities to others represents one of the central challenges of contemporary sexual ethics. This balance cannot be achieved through rigid moral absolutes but requires ongoing dialogue and ethical reasoning. The pragmatic turn in sexual ethics doesn't mean abandoning all moral standards or embracing complete relativism. Rather, it means evaluating moral principles based on whether they actually reduce harm and promote wellbeing rather than whether they conform to tradition or abstract ideals. This approach maintains core ethical values like consent, honesty, and respect while acknowledging that these principles may manifest differently across diverse relationships and contexts. By challenging binary moral thinking about sexuality, we create space for more honest conversations about the complex ethical terrain of intimate relationships. This doesn't mean that "anything goes" but rather that ethical judgments should be based on substantive considerations about harm, consent, and wellbeing rather than arbitrary categories of permitted and forbidden behaviors. This nuanced approach better serves the actual purpose of ethics: guiding human behavior toward flourishing rather than enforcing conformity to abstract rules.

Chapter 2: The GGG Framework: A Pragmatic Approach to Intimate Ethics

The concept of "GGG" - good, giving, and game - offers a practical framework for navigating the ethical complexities of intimate relationships. Unlike traditional sexual ethics that focus primarily on prohibitions and boundaries, GGG emphasizes positive virtues that contribute to mutually satisfying relationships. This approach recognizes that ethical sexual relationships require more than mere consent; they demand active engagement, generosity, and willingness to explore within reasonable boundaries. Being "good" in this framework means developing competence and skill in physical intimacy. This aspect acknowledges that sexual ethics isn't just about avoiding harm but about actively creating pleasure and connection. Being a good partner involves learning about one's own body and desires while also developing the capacity to understand and respond to a partner's needs. This requires communication, attention, and a willingness to learn - all ethical virtues that extend beyond the bedroom into other aspects of relationships and even broader social interactions. The "giving" component emphasizes generosity and reciprocity in intimate relationships. This means being attentive to a partner's pleasure and needs without expecting immediate reciprocation for every act. Such generosity counters transactional approaches to sexuality that reduce intimate encounters to negotiations or exchanges. Instead, giving partners create an atmosphere of mutual care where both individuals feel valued and attended to, establishing a foundation of trust essential for ethical relationships. This principle recognizes that ethical intimate relationships involve ongoing negotiation rather than rigid adherence to predetermined rules. Being "game" - willing to try new things within reason - acknowledges the importance of openness and flexibility in sexual ethics. This doesn't mean abandoning boundaries or doing things one actively dislikes. Rather, it suggests approaching intimate relationships with curiosity and a willingness to expand one's comfort zone when appropriate. This aspect recognizes that growth and exploration can be valuable components of healthy relationships when pursued with care and respect. It also acknowledges that partners in intimate relationships often have different desires, preferences, and comfort levels, and that navigating these differences with compassion is itself an ethical practice. The GGG framework represents a shift from rule-based ethics to virtue-based ethics. Rather than focusing primarily on which acts are permitted or forbidden, it emphasizes developing character traits and relationship dynamics that foster mutual satisfaction and respect. This approach acknowledges that ethical intimate relationships should be characterized by joy, pleasure, and mutual satisfaction rather than obligation or duty. The positive orientation shifts sexual ethics from a focus on avoiding transgression to creating relationships that actively contribute to human flourishing and well-being. Perhaps most importantly, the GGG framework provides practical guidance for navigating real-world ethical dilemmas in intimate relationships. When partners face conflicts about desires or boundaries, the principles of being good, giving, and game offer a framework for finding compromises that respect both individuals' needs and limits. This pragmatic approach recognizes that ethical intimate relationships aren't about perfect alignment of desires but about navigating differences with compassion, creativity, and respect.

Chapter 3: Navigating Biological Realities and Social Constructs

Human sexuality exists at the intersection of biological imperatives and social constructions, creating a complex terrain that requires careful navigation. Our sexual desires and behaviors are neither purely natural nor entirely socially determined, but emerge from the interaction between our evolutionary heritage and cultural conditioning. Understanding this interplay is essential for developing a nuanced sexual ethics that acknowledges both biological realities and social influences without reducing sexuality to either dimension. From a biological perspective, human sexuality differs significantly from that of most other species. While reproduction represents the evolutionary purpose of sexual behavior, humans engage in sexual activity far more frequently than is necessary for reproduction alone. Unlike most mammals, humans have sex throughout the reproductive cycle, not just during fertile periods, and continue sexual activity well past reproductive age. This suggests that human sexuality serves social and emotional functions beyond reproduction - creating bonds, providing pleasure, and establishing intimacy. These biological realities challenge simplistic moral frameworks that treat reproduction as the sole legitimate purpose of sexuality. The biological basis of sexual orientation provides another important example of how biology shapes sexuality. Research increasingly suggests that sexual orientation has genetic and hormonal components that are established early in development. This biological foundation challenges simplistic notions that sexual orientation represents a "lifestyle choice" or moral failing. Instead, diverse sexual orientations appear to be natural variations in human sexuality with biological underpinnings. Ethical frameworks that condemn certain sexual orientations thus conflict with biological realities, imposing moral judgments on natural human variation. Yet biology alone cannot explain the rich diversity of human sexual expression across cultures and throughout history. Social constructs profoundly shape how we understand, categorize, and regulate sexuality. The very concepts we use to describe sexuality - heterosexuality, homosexuality, monogamy, promiscuity - are relatively recent historical inventions rather than timeless categories. Different cultures have organized sexuality according to vastly different principles, demonstrating the powerful role of social construction in shaping what we consider normal, desirable, or ethical in sexual matters. Religious traditions have been particularly influential in constructing sexual norms and taboos. Many contemporary Western attitudes toward sexuality derive from religious frameworks that emphasize procreation, marriage, and restraint. These constructs have been institutionalized through laws, social practices, and cultural narratives that shape individual experiences of sexuality, often in ways that individuals themselves may not fully recognize. Understanding the historical contingency of these constructs allows us to evaluate them critically rather than accepting them as natural or inevitable. Navigating between biological realities and social constructs requires acknowledging both without reducing sexuality to either dimension. We must recognize biological factors without embracing biological determinism, and we must analyze social constructions without denying the material reality of bodies and desires. This balanced approach allows us to develop sexual ethics that respect the embodied nature of sexuality while remaining critical of oppressive social norms. The goal isn't to determine which aspects of sexuality are "natural" versus "constructed" but to create ethical frameworks that promote human flourishing while acknowledging both biological diversity and social context.

Chapter 4: Confronting Religious Authority and Conservative Sexual Politics

Religious and conservative approaches to sexual ethics have historically dominated public discourse, shaping laws, social norms, and individual experiences of sexuality. These frameworks typically emphasize sexual restraint, procreative purpose, and traditional gender roles while condemning sexual expressions that fall outside these parameters. While these perspectives deserve respectful engagement, they must also be subjected to critical examination, particularly when they inform public policy that affects people who do not share these religious commitments. Many religious sexual ethics rest on theological premises about divine intention and natural law. These frameworks often claim that sexual acts have inherent purposes established by divine design, with procreation frequently identified as the primary legitimate purpose. From this perspective, sexual acts that cannot result in procreation - including same-sex relationships, masturbation, and even heterosexual acts using contraception - are considered inherently disordered or immoral regardless of the context or relationship in which they occur. This approach prioritizes abstract principles over actual human experiences and wellbeing. This procreative emphasis creates a fundamental inconsistency in how religious conservatives approach different non-procreative sexual behaviors. Same-sex relationships face intense condemnation while heterosexual couples who cannot or choose not to have children rarely face similar scrutiny. This selective application suggests that opposition to certain sexual expressions may be driven more by cultural prejudice than consistent application of procreative principles. Ethical consistency would require either condemning all non-procreative sexual expression or acknowledging that procreation is not the sole legitimate purpose of human sexuality. Conservative sexual politics also frequently emphasizes abstinence-only approaches to sex education, despite substantial evidence that such programs fail to delay sexual activity and may increase risks of unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. This preference for ideological purity over empirical effectiveness reveals how conservative sexual politics sometimes prioritizes maintaining traditional norms over actual human wellbeing. A truly ethical approach would prioritize policies that demonstrably reduce harm and promote health, even when they conflict with traditional moral frameworks. The political mobilization of religious sexual ethics raises important questions about the proper relationship between religious beliefs and public policy in pluralistic societies. When religious groups advocate for laws restricting contraception access, abortion rights, or same-sex marriage, they effectively seek to impose religiously-derived sexual norms on citizens who do not share their theological premises. This approach conflicts with principles of religious freedom and civic pluralism that recognize citizens' right to make intimate decisions according to their own moral and religious convictions. A more productive approach recognizes that religious communities have the right to establish sexual norms for their members while acknowledging that these norms should not be imposed through law on those who do not share these religious commitments. This balanced perspective respects religious freedom while protecting individual autonomy in intimate matters. It also creates space for religious communities themselves to evolve their sexual ethics in response to new understanding of human sexuality and relationships, as many progressive religious communities have already begun to do.

Chapter 5: From Sexual Shame to Authentic Expression

The journey from sexual shame to authentic expression represents both a personal psychological process and a broader cultural transformation. Sexual shame - the painful sense that one's desires, body, or relationships are inherently wrong or dirty - has profound consequences for individual wellbeing and intimate relationships. Overcoming this shame requires both personal work and social change to create conditions where sexuality can be approached with honesty, joy, and ethical reflection rather than fear and self-recrimination. Sexual shame often begins in childhood through explicit messages about the dangers or dirtiness of sexuality, particularly for girls and LGBTQ+ youth. Even without explicit negative messaging, the conspicuous silence around sexuality in many families communicates that sexual matters are unspeakable. Religious teachings frequently intensify shame by framing certain desires or acts as sinful, creating internal conflicts that can persist into adulthood. These early experiences establish patterns of shame that can be difficult to recognize, let alone overcome, as they become internalized as part of one's identity and worldview. The consequences of sexual shame extend far beyond momentary discomfort. Shame interferes with communication about desires and boundaries, making consent more difficult to negotiate. It creates barriers to seeking information about sexual health and pleasure. In relationships, shame can manifest as judgment toward partners, difficulty accepting pleasure, or inability to be vulnerable. At its most extreme, sexual shame contributes to sexual dysfunction, relationship breakdown, and even violence when shame transforms into externalized anger. These consequences reveal how shame undermines the very values - consent, honesty, mutual respect - that should guide ethical sexual behavior. Moving toward authentic expression begins with recognizing shame's presence and sources. This often involves identifying specific messages internalized from family, religion, or culture and examining their validity. Critical thinking about these messages allows individuals to distinguish between helpful ethical boundaries and harmful restrictions based on prejudice or misinformation. This process may involve grief for opportunities lost to shame and anger at systems that imposed unnecessary suffering, but it ultimately creates space for more authentic self-understanding and expression. Education plays a crucial role in countering shame with accurate information about bodies, pleasure, and relationships. Comprehensive sexuality education that addresses not just risks but also positive aspects of sexuality helps young people develop healthier attitudes. For adults, books, workshops, therapy, and honest conversations with partners can provide missing information and challenge shame-based assumptions about what is "normal" or acceptable. This educational process isn't just about acquiring facts but about developing new frameworks for understanding sexuality that emphasize wellbeing rather than conformity to arbitrary standards. Communities that normalize open discussion of sexuality create environments where shame loses its power. When people discover that others share their experiences or desires, isolation diminishes and new possibilities emerge. These communities might include formal support groups, online forums, or simply friend circles where sexual matters can be discussed without judgment or sensationalism. Such communities demonstrate that authentic sexual expression doesn't require rejecting all ethical standards but rather developing more nuanced frameworks that distinguish between harmful behaviors and benign variations in human sexuality.

Chapter 6: Destigmatizing Difference Through Ethical Reasoning

The stigmatization of sexual difference has caused immense suffering throughout history, forcing countless individuals to hide their authentic selves or face rejection, discrimination, and violence. Destigmatizing sexual difference represents both an ethical imperative and a prerequisite for developing more honest and nuanced approaches to sexual ethics. This process requires challenging deep-seated prejudices while creating space for authentic self-expression and diverse relationship models. Sexual stigma operates through multiple mechanisms, from explicit discrimination to subtle forms of delegitimization. Religious traditions have often provided theological justifications for stigmatizing sexual minorities, while medical and psychiatric institutions historically pathologized non-normative sexualities. These authoritative discourses have been internalized by individuals and communities, creating patterns of shame and self-hatred that persist even as formal policies change. Ethical reasoning provides tools for examining these stigmatizing discourses critically, distinguishing between legitimate moral concerns and prejudice disguised as moral principle. The costs of sexual stigma extend far beyond hurt feelings. Research consistently shows that stigmatization contributes to higher rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and suicide among sexual minorities. These mental health disparities represent not inherent features of diverse sexualities but consequences of social rejection and discrimination. Similarly, the secrecy and shame produced by stigma create conditions where exploitation and abuse can flourish, as individuals lack support systems and vocabulary to articulate their experiences. These harmful consequences reveal how stigmatization itself represents an ethical failure, causing concrete harm without corresponding benefits. Destigmatizing difference requires challenging the assumption that heterosexual, monogamous relationships represent the only legitimate model for human intimacy. This doesn't mean abandoning all ethical standards or claiming that all sexual expressions are equally beneficial. Rather, it means developing ethical frameworks that evaluate relationships based on their qualities - consent, respect, honesty, care - rather than their conformity to predetermined categories. This approach maintains ethical standards while acknowledging human diversity, focusing moral evaluation on how people treat each other rather than on which specific consensual acts they engage in. Ethical reasoning provides powerful tools for destigmatizing difference by exposing inconsistencies in traditional moral arguments. For instance, if the capacity for procreation determines sexual morality, then infertile heterosexual couples should face the same moral condemnation as same-sex couples. If lifelong monogamy represents the moral ideal, then serial monogamists should face the same stigma as those in consensually non-monogamous relationships. By identifying these inconsistencies, ethical reasoning reveals how stigmatization often reflects cultural prejudice rather than coherent moral principles. Communities play a crucial role in destigmatizing difference by providing alternative narratives and support systems. When individuals find communities that affirm their experiences and provide models for living authentically, they gain resources to counter stigmatizing messages. These communities - whether LGBTQ+ organizations, sex-positive feminist spaces, or supportive religious congregations - demonstrate that fulfilling lives are possible outside conventional sexual norms. They also provide laboratories for developing new ethical frameworks that better accommodate human diversity while maintaining core values like consent, honesty, and mutual respect.

Chapter 7: Building Community Beyond Traditional Boundaries

Traditional models of family and community have often been defined by rigid boundaries: the nuclear family as the basic social unit, clear distinctions between friends and lovers, and community membership based on conformity to sexual and gender norms. While these traditional structures provide stability and clarity for some, they exclude or marginalize many others. Building more inclusive families and communities requires expanding our conception of meaningful relationships and creating spaces where diverse forms of intimacy and belonging can flourish. The nuclear family ideal - a married heterosexual couple raising their biological children - has been presented as both natural and universal despite abundant historical and anthropological evidence to the contrary. Across cultures and throughout history, humans have organized kinship and care in diverse ways, from extended family networks to various forms of communal child-rearing. This diversity suggests that family structures are adaptable social arrangements rather than fixed biological imperatives. Recognizing this flexibility opens possibilities for creating family forms that better serve contemporary needs and realities. LGBTQ+ communities have been particularly innovative in creating chosen families that provide emotional support, practical assistance, and intergenerational connection outside biological kinship. These chosen families emerged partly from necessity when LGBTQ+ individuals faced rejection from their families of origin, but they also represent affirmative models of relationship that prioritize mutual care and shared values over conventional definitions of family. These alternative family structures offer important lessons about the possibilities for meaningful connection beyond traditional boundaries, demonstrating that family can be defined by love and commitment rather than biology or legal status. Polyamorous and ethically non-monogamous relationships similarly challenge conventional boundaries by recognizing that love, commitment, and intimacy need not be confined to exclusive partnerships. These relationship models require explicit communication about needs and boundaries rather than relying on unexamined assumptions about what relationships should look like. While not appropriate for everyone, they demonstrate that meaningful intimacy can take multiple forms and that individuals can maintain commitments to multiple partners when practiced with honesty and care. The ethical principles that guide successful non-monogamous relationships - explicit consent, honest communication, mutual respect - offer valuable insights for all relationship forms. Building community beyond traditional boundaries also means creating spaces where people can gather across differences in sexual orientation, relationship structure, and gender identity. Such inclusive communities provide opportunities for mutual learning and support while challenging the segregation that often keeps people isolated within identity-based enclaves. These diverse communities can be particularly valuable for young people exploring their identities and for older individuals seeking connection beyond conventional family structures. They demonstrate that meaningful community can be built around shared values and mutual care rather than conformity to traditional norms. Religious and spiritual communities face particular challenges and opportunities in this area. While many religious traditions have historically enforced rigid sexual norms, progressive religious communities are increasingly developing theologies that affirm diverse sexualities and family structures. These communities demonstrate that spiritual depth and ethical commitment can coexist with openness to diverse expressions of love and intimacy. They also provide important spaces where individuals can integrate their spiritual and sexual identities rather than feeling forced to choose between them. This integration represents an important aspect of authentic self-expression for many people with both spiritual and sexual dimensions to their identities.

Summary

The pragmatic approach to sexual ethics presented offers a powerful alternative to traditional moral frameworks that often cause unnecessary suffering through rigid categorization of behaviors as either moral or immoral. By prioritizing consent, honesty, and harm reduction over abstract principles or religious doctrines, this framework creates space for ethical reasoning that respects human diversity while maintaining core values. The key insight is that ethical principles should serve human wellbeing rather than forcing humans to conform to rigid standards regardless of the suffering caused. This approach doesn't reject all traditional values but rather subjects them to critical examination based on their consequences. This ethical framework provides practical guidance for navigating complex moral questions in a rapidly changing world. By focusing on the qualities of relationships - consent, respect, honesty, care - rather than their conformity to predetermined categories, it maintains ethical standards while acknowledging human diversity. For those seeking to build authentic relationships and communities beyond traditional boundaries, this approach offers a consistent yet flexible framework that respects both ethical principles and human realities. It demonstrates that moving beyond shame doesn't mean abandoning ethics but rather developing more nuanced moral frameworks that better serve human flourishing in all its diverse expressions.

About Author

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Dan Savage

Dan Savage is a writer, TV personality, and activist best known for his political and social commentary, as well as his honest approach to sex, love and relationships.Savage’s sex advice column, “Savage Love,” is syndicated in newspapers and websites throughout the United States, Canada, Europe and Asia. He is the Editorial Director of The Stranger, Seattle’s weekly alternative newspaper, and his writing has appeared in publications including The New York Times, The New York Times Magazine, GQ, Rolling Stone, The Onion, and on Salon.com.As an author, Savage’s books include: American Savage: Insights, Slights and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics; Savage Love; The Kid: What Happened When My Boyfriend and I Decided to Get Pregnant (PEN West Award for Creative Nonfiction, Lambda Literary Award for Nonfiction); Skipping Towards Gomorrah: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America; The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage and My Family, and co-author of How to be a Person.In addition to his appearances on CNN, MSNBC, and The Colbert Report, Savage is a contributor to Ira Glass’s This American Life, and has appeared on NPR’s Fresh Air with Terry Gross, HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher, and ABC's 20/20. Savage is a frequent and popular speaker on college campuses across the United States and Canada.In September 2010, Savage and his husband Terry Miller created a YouTube video to inspire hope for LGBT young people facing harassment. In response to a number of students taking their own lives, Savage and Miller wanted to create a personal message to let LGBT youth know that “it gets better”. Today, the It Gets Better Project (www.itgetsbetter.org) has become a global movement, inspiring more than 50,000 It Gets Better videos viewed over 50 million times. The It Gets Better book, co-edited by Savage and Miller, was published in March 2011, and two It Gets Better, documentary specials have aired on MTV. In 2012 the It Gets Better Project received the Governors Award Emmy from the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences.Dan Savage grew up in Chicago and now lives in Seattle, Washington with his husband and their son, DJ.

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