Ask For It

Ask For It Plot Summary

Introduction

Imagine standing at the edge of a door that opens to better pay, more flexibility, greater recognition, and deeper fulfillment. The key to unlocking this door isn't some magical skill or rare talent - it's something remarkably simple yet profoundly powerful: asking. For many women, particularly in professional settings, the thought of negotiating creates anxiety. The internal voice whispers: "What if they think I'm too demanding?" or "Maybe I should be grateful for what I already have." These thoughts aren't random; they reflect powerful social conditioning that has taught women to prioritize relationships and harmony over advocating for themselves. The reality is that women who don't ask consistently earn less, advance more slowly, and experience greater stress balancing competing priorities. Research shows women initiate negotiations about four times less frequently than men do - a disparity that creates staggering financial consequences over a lifetime. Yet the solution isn't about becoming more aggressive or adopting traditionally masculine approaches to negotiation. It's about developing a strategic, cooperative approach that leverages women's natural strengths while ensuring they receive fair value for their contributions. When women master the art of asking effectively, they not only transform their own circumstances but also help create workplaces and relationships where everyone's needs are recognized.

Chapter 1: Know Your Worth and Set High Targets

At the heart of successful negotiation lies a fundamental truth: you must know your worth before you can ask others to recognize it. Many women consistently undervalue their contributions, skills, and market value, setting targets far below what they could realistically achieve. This self-underestimation becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, as research consistently shows a direct correlation between your target - what you aim for in a negotiation - and what you ultimately receive. Consider Gwen's story from the book. After working six years as a business manager at a winery in northern New York State, she watched sales triple and staff more than double under her leadership. Despite this success, when considering asking for a raise, she hesitated to request more than a 10% increase over her standard annual 3% raise. After researching industry standards, she discovered business managers at comparable California wineries earned twice her salary. Still feeling uncertain, she settled on asking for a 25% raise. Her boss didn't hesitate: "You're absolutely right. You're doing a lot more than we hired you to do. You practically run this place." While pleased with this outcome, Gwen later wondered if she'd aimed too low, as her boss had agreed so readily. This pattern appears across professions and experience levels. Jan, a housekeeping manager at a luxury hotel in Bermuda, consistently underestimated her market value despite being highly sought after by competing hotels. Each time she interviewed elsewhere, her husband would encourage her to ask for twice what she thought was reasonable. Every time she followed his advice, she received exactly what she asked for. Over six years, this approach increased her salary by $36,000, to the point where one general manager admitted she earned more than he did. Setting the right target requires research. Start by investigating salary ranges for your position in your region through professional associations, online resources like salary.com, and conversations with colleagues. Remember that women with identical qualifications to men expect to earn starting salaries that are 11.5% lower and career-peak salaries 24% lower than men expect. Combat this tendency by asking yourself: "If I were negotiating for my best friend, what would I think she deserves?" This perspective shift often reveals how much higher you should aim. When preparing to negotiate, identify your reservation value (the minimum you'll accept), but focus on your target value (what you'd love to achieve). Studies show negotiators who concentrate on their targets achieve significantly better outcomes. Most importantly, when you make your request, ask for more than your actual target. This creates room for the back-and-forth inherent in most negotiations while still allowing you to land at or above your goal. Remember: if you consistently get everything you ask for without pushback, you're likely asking for too little. The message is clear: aim high, do your research, and recognize that your perception of your worth directly impacts what others will pay for it. The first step toward getting what you deserve is believing that you deserve it.

Chapter 2: Research the Playing Field and Gather Information

Information is power in negotiation. The more you know about market rates, organizational dynamics, and the financial health of your company, the more confidently you can negotiate and the more likely you are to achieve your goals. Without solid information, you risk asking for too little or misjudging the optimal timing and approach for your request. Consider the story of Ashanti, a branch manager at a large bank. Despite running a demanding operation, she felt significantly underpaid compared to her staff. When she raised concerns with her supervisor at corporate headquarters, he dismissed her complaints. Unsure whether her perception was accurate, Ashanti took a bold step: she applied for similar positions at three competing banks. All three offered her approximately 25% more than her current salary. Armed with these concrete alternatives, she approached her supervisor again. He immediately offered to match the competing offers. Seizing the opportunity, Ashanti countered: "Can you beat them, though? I'd like to stay here but these other banks really want me." Her supervisor agreed to a 30% raise - 5% more than the competitors had offered - and Ashanti stayed where she preferred to work. Information gathering isn't limited to compensation. Understanding the dynamics of decision-making and organizational priorities can be equally valuable. Maggie, a pharmaceutical representative in the Pacific Northwest, received modest annual bonuses despite becoming one of the most productive representatives in her region. Puzzled by the disconnect between her performance and compensation, she consulted a senior colleague about how bonuses were determined. He revealed that bonuses were decided by regional management committees based on supervisor recommendations, and that most successful representatives proactively met with their supervisors before October 15th to request specific bonus amounts. Armed with this crucial information about timing and process, Maggie scheduled a meeting with her supervisor in September and requested a 50% increase over her previous bonus. Her supervisor agreed without hesitation, leaving Maggie convinced she should have asked years earlier. To effectively research your negotiation landscape, begin with online resources specific to your industry and profession. Government databases, professional associations, and specialized websites like salary.com can provide objective data on compensation ranges. Next, tap into your professional network - colleagues, mentors, and even friendly competitors can offer insights about common practices and expectations. Don't overlook administrative assistants, who often possess detailed knowledge about organizational processes and precedents. For negotiations within your current organization, investigate its financial health through annual reports, industry analyses, or public financial filings. Understanding whether your employer is thriving or struggling will help you gauge the feasibility of your request and adapt your approach accordingly. Similarly, learn the approval processes and decision-making calendars that govern what you're requesting, whether it's a promotion, bonus, or special accommodation. Remember that information gathering is iterative - continue collecting insights throughout your preparation process. The goal isn't perfect information, which is rarely possible, but sufficient information to negotiate from a position of confidence rather than uncertainty. When you enter a negotiation well-informed, you transform from someone who hopes to get what they want into someone who expects it.

Chapter 3: Master the Art of Cooperative Bargaining

Contrary to popular belief, the most effective negotiations aren't adversarial battles but cooperative problem-solving exercises. This approach is particularly valuable for women, who often face social penalties for behavior perceived as aggressive or demanding. Cooperative bargaining allows you to remain firm about your goals while creating an atmosphere of mutual benefit that reduces resistance to your requests. Sheila, a journalist hired by a big-city newspaper, discovered this principle when she arrived for her first day expecting to cover hard news, only to be assigned to the Style section. Disappointed and angry, she considered marching into the executive editor's office to demand reassignment. Instead, following advice from a colleague, she took a different approach. She asked her editor to explain the reasoning behind her assignment. Her editor revealed that the editorial board wanted to revitalize the Style section to attract younger readers, and they saw Sheila's background as perfect for this initiative. Rather than simply protesting, Sheila acknowledged this rationale while explaining her career goals: "I can see why you chose me for this, but I thought you hired me to cover hard news. That's what I really want to do." This cooperative opening led to a productive conversation. Her editor proposed making Sheila the Style section editor - a significant promotion for a new hire - with an eighteen-month commitment. After that period, she could move to the news staff. They also agreed to hire a deputy editor to assist her and established regular check-ins to ensure the section's success. By focusing on understanding her editor's underlying interests rather than just stating her position, Sheila secured a path to her desired role while helping her employer address an important business need. The cornerstone of cooperative bargaining is distinguishing between positions (what someone says they want) and interests (the underlying needs driving those positions). While positions often conflict, compatible interests frequently lie beneath the surface. To uncover these interests, information sharing is essential. Ask open-ended questions about the other side's priorities, concerns, and constraints. Share your own interests rather than just stating demands. This mutual exchange builds trust and reveals areas where creative solutions can satisfy both parties. When interests do conflict, consider logrolling - trading concessions on issues you care about less for gains on issues that matter more to you. Joyce, an executive assistant whose husband was relocating to China for a year, wanted to keep her job when she returned. Her boss initially refused her request for unpaid leave, explaining he couldn't leave the position vacant. Rather than accepting defeat, they explored alternatives together. While they couldn't preserve her exact position, they developed a solution where HR would keep her on the books, guarantee her same salary upon return, and prioritize her for the first available executive assistant position. Neither got everything they wanted, but their cooperative approach yielded a workable compromise. To practice cooperative bargaining effectively, approach negotiations as joint problem-solving sessions. Use phrases like "Let's work together," "How can we fix this?" and "I understand your concerns about X. Here's how my proposal addresses that issue." Frame your comments positively and listen attentively to understand the other side's perspective. Remember that being cooperative doesn't mean being a pushover - you can maintain firm boundaries around your core interests while showing flexibility on how to achieve them. The most successful negotiations result in agreements that both sides feel good about implementing. By adopting a cooperative approach, you not only increase your chances of getting what you want but also strengthen relationships that may prove valuable for future negotiations.

Chapter 4: Practice Makes Perfect: Build Your Negotiation Muscles

Like any skill, negotiation improves with practice. Many women avoid negotiating until absolutely necessary, then approach high-stakes situations with little experience and considerable anxiety. A more effective approach is to develop your negotiation skills gradually through a series of increasingly challenging exercises that build confidence and competence. To help women build these skills systematically, the book presents a six-week "negotiation gym" program designed to strengthen negotiation muscles through progressive practice. In Week 1, participants start with easy warm-ups - small requests with low emotional stakes, such as asking to leave work an hour early for a special event or requesting a discount at a store you frequent. Sara tested this approach herself, negotiating a continuing sale price on bath linens after a promotion had ended, convincing a farmer to let her keep a decorative basket that normally would have been reused, and persuading her library to hold a reserved book beyond the standard pickup period. Though she didn't succeed with every request, these small victories built confidence for larger negotiations. In Week 2, the program challenges participants to stretch by setting higher targets than they initially think possible. Astrid, who traveled annually to a trade show with colleagues, decided to test this principle. Exhausted by taking red-eye flights after long workdays, she initially planned to ask her boss if she could stay one extra night at the company's expense. Pushing herself to aim higher, she instead requested staying two extra days to recover and visit family before flying home. To her surprise, her boss readily agreed, recognizing that she would return more refreshed and productive. By Week 3, participants actively court rejection by asking for things they don't expect to get - negotiating the price of gas, requesting mid-year changes to health benefits, or asking for exemptions to standard policies. This critical step helps women overcome rejection sensitivity, which research shows affects women more strongly than men. The goal isn't to succeed with every request, but to discover that hearing "no" isn't devastating and doesn't damage relationships or reputations. Weeks 4 through 6 progressively increase the stakes and complexity of negotiations. Participants tackle negotiations that matter more personally, require more preparation, and involve greater risks. By the final week, they're ready to ask for something big that feels uncomfortable - something they truly want but may have dismissed as too ambitious or inappropriate to request. When Celia, a marketing director who worked remotely, asked her boss to fund a complete renovation of her home office, including new furniture, carpet, and even a small refrigerator, she felt guilty and worried about overreaching. To her astonishment, her boss immediately agreed, saying, "How much do you need?" The program works because it creates an experimental mindset toward negotiation. Each attempt, whether successful or not, provides valuable feedback about what works, what's negotiable, and how different approaches yield different results. As participants progress through the program, negotiation gradually transforms from a dreaded ordeal into a routine skill they can deploy confidently in various contexts. The key insight is that negotiation ability isn't innate - it's developed through deliberate practice. By starting small and gradually taking bigger risks, you build not just technical negotiation skills but also emotional resilience. You learn to manage anxiety, frame requests effectively, and recover quickly from occasional rejections. Most importantly, you discover that the world contains far more flexibility and opportunity than you previously imagined.

Chapter 5: Remain Likeable While Being Assertive

For women, negotiation presents a unique challenge: research shows that women who negotiate assertively often face social penalties that men don't experience. This creates a seeming double-bind where women must choose between being liked and getting what they deserve. However, by adopting specific strategies, women can negotiate effectively while avoiding these penalties. Alexandra, a kitchen and bath designer, experienced this dilemma firsthand. After receiving a job offer from a design firm that served a more creative clientele, she discovered the offered salary of $50,000 was only $2,000 more than her current position, despite her extensive experience. Knowing the position could pay up to $60,000, Alexandra decided to negotiate firmly: "My popularity with my clients, my clearly demonstrated skills, and my years of experience qualify me to earn that top figure, $60,000. I'm sure that I'm worth it." Her prospective boss's reaction was immediate and negative - he physically pulled away and coldly responded that they sought team players who worked collaboratively. He refused to increase the offer. Confused by this response, Alexandra regrouped and tried again the next day with a different approach. She began warmly: "I'm looking forward to working with all of you - I love the company and everyone here does such great work. And I don't want to put you on the spot. But earning the higher salary would mean a lot to me so I'd appreciate your reconsidering my request." She then suggested meeting halfway between her request and their offer. This time, her boss responded more positively, ultimately raising the offer to $54,000. While still below her target, this represented a significant improvement achieved by changing her approach rather than her goal. This experience illustrates what researchers call the "likability factor." Studies show that both men and women evaluate women who negotiate assertively more harshly than men who behave identically. In one experiment, participants viewed videos of job candidates negotiating for higher salaries. Men who viewed these videos were 50% more likely to hire a woman who did not ask for more money compared to one who did, while their willingness to hire male candidates remained unchanged regardless of whether they negotiated. When asked why they rejected women who negotiated, participants consistently said: they didn't like her. To navigate this challenge, Mary Sue Coleman, president of the University of Michigan, recommends a "relentlessly pleasant" approach that maintains warmth while firmly advocating for yourself. This includes: Starting conversations with appreciative phrases like "Thanks so much for meeting with me" and showing genuine concern for the other person's perspective. Frame requests positively - "I'm ready for additional opportunities" rather than "I'm sick of doing the same old thing." Actively solicit feedback throughout the conversation with phrases like "I'd love to hear your thoughts about this." Maintain friendly, open body language with appropriate smiling and eye contact. Equally important is avoiding behaviors that undermine your position: don't apologize for asking, don't use self-deprecating language like "This may be a dumb question," and avoid giving ultimatums. The goal is to create an atmosphere where your request feels like part of a collaborative conversation rather than a demand. Remember that adopting a pleasant style doesn't mean compromising on substance. You can maintain high targets and firm boundaries while presenting them in a way that preserves relationships. This approach isn't about being inauthentic - it's about recognizing social realities and adapting strategically to achieve your goals within existing constraints. As unfair as these different standards may be, working effectively within them allows you to advance your interests while helping create environments where eventually all negotiation styles will be equally acceptable.

Chapter 6: Prepare for the Negotiation Conversation

The moments before and during a negotiation can provoke anxiety that undermines even the most thorough preparation. Developing strategies to manage emotions, rehearse responses, and maintain focus during the conversation itself is essential for negotiation success. Adele, a TV news reporter, found herself in this position when preparing to negotiate with her station's managing editor. Despite being comfortable speaking to thousands of viewers on air every night, she felt "queasy at the thought of sitting down with one man to ask for something I knew I deserved." Recognizing she needed to manage her emotional state, Adele drew on a personal passion - classical music. Shortly before her meeting, she found an empty conference room, turned off the lights, and immersed herself in a difficult piano concerto through headphones. "The fact that it was a difficult piece was important because it required my total concentration to follow it. But it was also such a magnificent piece, and I was really moved by it. So when I went into my boss's office, I was smiling. I hadn't had time to get nervous. I was still in thrall to the music." This preparation enabled Adele to enter her negotiation feeling calm and positive. When her boss resisted her initial proposal, she maintained her composure and continued negotiating until she achieved her target. Role-playing is another powerful preparation tool. By practicing with a trusted friend or colleague who plays the part of your negotiation counterpart, you can anticipate challenging moments and rehearse effective responses. When role-playing, focus particularly on preparing for emotional triggers - moments when you might feel angry, defensive, or tempted to concede prematurely. Ask your partner to surprise you with unexpected objections or harsh feedback to build resilience. After each practice session, debrief to identify what worked well and what needs improvement. During the actual negotiation, remember to control the pace. Many women rush through requests out of nervousness or accept the first counteroffer to avoid conflict. Instead, present your proposal clearly, listen to responses, and take time to formulate thoughtful replies. If you feel the conversation moving too quickly or becoming confrontational, slow things down with phrases like: "I'm feeling a little rushed. I want to make a good decision here. Can we take a minute to review where we are?" Don't hesitate to take breaks when needed. Trina, a computer game programmer, was caught off guard when her boss suggested she could work on a museum project she wanted, but only if she agreed to work overtime in addition to her regular assignment. Rather than accepting immediately out of surprise or rejecting the proposal outright, Trina benefited when her boss suggested they continue the discussion the next day. The break gave her time to realize that she already worked long hours, and the arrangement would actually mean getting paid for work she was essentially doing for free. Another valuable technique is what negotiation expert William Ury calls "going to the balcony" - mentally stepping back from the immediate interaction to view it objectively. When Sandy, a hairstylist, faced an unexpectedly negative reference from her former boss, rather than responding angrily, she mentally detached and thought: "What can Sandy do to get that letter out of Aya?" This perspective shift helped her recognize her boss's jealousy and respond strategically by asking for mentoring, which transformed the relationship. Finally, plan a reward for yourself after the negotiation concludes. This creates positive anticipation that can help sustain you through challenging moments. The combination of thorough preparation, emotional management, and strategic pacing will help you navigate negotiations with confidence and effectiveness, even when unexpected challenges arise.

Chapter 7: Close the Deal and Follow Through

The final moments of a negotiation often determine whether you achieve your goals or walk away with less than you deserve. Many women tend to concede too quickly when they encounter resistance or accept the first counteroffer without pushing for more. Learning to stay focused on your target and navigate the closing stages of a negotiation effectively can dramatically improve your outcomes. Kellie learned this lesson when negotiating the salary for a job she really wanted. Although the initial offer was higher than she expected, she had committed to asking for more regardless of the amount. When she requested a 10% increase, the HR associate pushed back, claiming this would put her at the same level as a much more senior staff member. Kellie knew this staff member had recently reduced his hours and salary, but rather than backing down, she simply replied: "I understand that this is a sensitive issue, and I would very much appreciate your taking some time to consider my request." Five minutes later, the HR associate called back: "Done." Kellie not only increased her base salary but also experienced "the simple satisfaction of having asserted myself when otherwise I wouldn't have." Latanya, who managed a security company's New York office, faced a similar test of resolve during her annual review. After successfully running the office for two years, she researched comparable salaries and determined she deserved a 40% increase to match her counterpart in Washington, D.C. She planned to ask for 45% to leave room for negotiation. However, when her boss preemptively offered a 20% raise, she almost abandoned her plan, thinking: "Wow, twenty percent is a lot. I got a huge raise last year. I should just be pleased that my work is appreciated and take it." Despite this momentary doubt, Latanya stuck to her strategy, smiled, explained her reasoning for requesting 45%, and ultimately secured the 40% she had targeted. To close negotiations effectively, always keep your target value front and center. Research shows that negotiators who focus on their targets achieve agreements 13% higher than those who focus on their minimum acceptable outcomes. This difference compounds dramatically over a career. When you encounter resistance, don't immediately compromise - instead, ask open-ended questions to understand the underlying concerns. Is the other party waiting for approval from someone else? Are they concerned about precedent? Do they need more information? Understanding their hesitation can help you address it directly. If you're facing an impasse, consider whether you can modify your proposal to better meet their interests while still achieving your core goals. Perhaps you could adjust the timing of implementation, suggest a trial period, or identify a creative trade-off. Remember that silence can be a powerful tool - when there's a pause in the conversation, resist the urge to fill it by reducing your request or offering unnecessary concessions. Instead, wait calmly for the other person to respond. Throughout the closing phase, maintain a cooperative tone while staying firm on substance. If you need more time to consider a counteroffer, don't hesitate to say: "This is an important decision. I'd like to think about it overnight and get back to you tomorrow." This creates space to evaluate whether the offer meets your needs without the pressure of an immediate response. Finally, remember that hearing "no" isn't necessarily a failure. If you consistently get everything you ask for without pushback, you're probably aiming too low. As the book concludes: "By asking a lot and setting high targets, you'll gain more than if you hold back out of fear that you might be turned down... Taking greater risks helps you map out what is possible, negotiable, and flexible, and what is not." Each negotiation, whether successful or not, provides valuable information that improves your effectiveness in future requests.

Summary

The power of asking lies not just in the immediate gains it produces, but in how it transforms your relationship with opportunity itself. Throughout this book, we've seen how women who master negotiation skills achieve remarkable results - higher salaries, better working conditions, more balanced home lives, and greater personal fulfillment. As the authors powerfully state: "If you never hear no, you're not asking enough." This profound insight reminds us that occasional rejection is not a signal of failure but evidence that you're stretching beyond comfort zones and discovering the true boundaries of possibility. The journey toward becoming an effective negotiator begins with a single step: asking for something you want but might not have considered negotiable before. Start small if necessary, but start today. Choose one item from your newly created wish list - whether it's a schedule adjustment, a project reassignment, or simply a better table at a restaurant - and make the request using the cooperative, well-prepared approach outlined in these pages. Remember that negotiation is a skill that improves with practice, and each attempt builds confidence for the next. The door to a more rewarding life stands before you - all you need to do is ask for it to open.

About Author

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Linda Babcock

Linda C. Babcock is the James Mellon Walton Professor of Economics at the H. John Heinz III School of Public Policy and Management at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She has also served as director of the Ph.D. Program and Interim Dean at the Heinz School.Dr. Babcock grew up in Altadena, California, and attended public schools there before earning her bachelor's degree in economics from the University of California at Irvine. She subsequently attended the University of Wisconsin at Madison, where she completed a master's degree and a Ph.D. in economics. She has received numerous research grants from the National Science Foundation as well as several university teaching awards. She has served as a visiting professor at the Harvard Business School, the University of Chicago Graduate School of Business, and the California Institute of Technology.Dr. Babcock specializes in negotiation and dispute resolution. Her research has appeared in the most prestigious economics, industrial relations, and law journals, including the American Economic Review, the Quarterly Journal of Economics, the Journal of Economic Perspectives, Industrial and Labor Relations Review, Industrial Relations, the Journal of Legal Studies, The New York Times, the Economist, the Harvard Business Review, the International Herald Tribune, the Sunday Times of London and the International Review of Law and Economics. She also consults for public sector, not-for-profit, and private sector organizations.Dr. Babcock is a member of the American Economic Association, the Society for Judgment and Decision Making, the Economic Science Association, the International Association for Conflict Management, the American Law and Economics Association, and the Committee on the Status of Women in the Economics Profession. She is currently serving on the Behavioral Economics Roundtable of the Russell Sage Foundation and as a Review Panel Member at the National Science Foundation.Dr. Babcock lives in Pittsburgh with her husband, Mark Wessel and their daughter.

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