Collaborating with the Enemy

Collaborating with the Enemy Plot Summary

Introduction

In a world of increasingly complex challenges, we often find ourselves needing to work with people we don't agree with, like, or trust. Whether in business, politics, community work, or even family matters, we face situations where collaboration seems both imperative and impossible. The central tension lies in a paradox: we must work with others to make progress on our most important challenges, yet these "others" often include people we consider opponents or even enemies. Traditional approaches to collaboration assume we need everyone on the same team, headed in the same direction, with clear agreement on what needs to happen. But this conventional model increasingly fails in our complex, diverse world. This is where stretch collaboration offers a revolutionary alternative - abandoning the fantasy of control and embracing a more fluid, adaptive approach that works even in messy, contentious situations. Through three fundamental shifts in how we relate, advance work, and participate, we can achieve breakthroughs where conventional methods only lead to frustration and stalemate.

Chapter 1: Recognize When Collaboration Is Your Best Option

Collaboration is not always the right choice. When faced with challenging situations, we actually have four distinct options: we can force our way through, adapt to circumstances, exit the situation entirely, or collaborate with others. Understanding when collaboration is truly necessary represents the first crucial insight. In Thailand, during a period of political conflict between pro- and anti-government forces, Adam Kahane worked with a diverse team of leaders from across Thai society. This team identified three possible stances the country could take toward its challenges: "We Adapt" (where citizens simply look after themselves and leave larger issues to others), "We Force" (where people push for top-down solutions), and "We Collaborate" (where people work across factions to develop bottom-up solutions). The team concluded that given the complexity of Thailand's challenges, neither adapting nor forcing would be sufficient. However, as political tensions escalated in 2014, many Thais abandoned the collaborative approach. When the crisis intensified, many defaulted to forcing, culminating in a military coup. This experience revealed a crucial insight: people often choose collaboration only when other options prove unpalatable. We collaborate when we want to change a situation but recognize we cannot do so unilaterally. This pragmatic lens shows that we adapt or exit when others are more powerful than us, we force when we are more powerful, and we collaborate when power is evenly matched and neither side can impose their will. Collaboration isn't inherently superior to the alternatives - it's simply the best choice in specific circumstances. Sometimes forcing, adapting, or exiting genuinely represents our best option. Before embarking on any collaborative effort, honestly assess whether all parties truly need each other. Does everyone recognize that neither side can achieve their objectives without the others? If not, you may need to demonstrate that unilateral options will fail before collaboration becomes viable. Remember, collaboration cannot be chosen unilaterally. It requires mutual recognition of interdependence - a realization that despite our differences, we need each other to move forward.

Chapter 2: Embrace Both Conflict and Connection

The first stretch in effective collaboration requires abandoning the naive belief that harmony and unity should be our primary focus. Instead, we must embrace both conflict and connection simultaneously - recognizing that power and love are complementary forces rather than opposing ones. In Guatemala, Kahane facilitated a project to help implement peace accords following a brutal civil war. During one workshop, human rights worker Ronald Ochaeta shared a devastating story about exhuming a mass grave where he discovered the bones of unborn children still inside their murdered mothers. The room fell into minutes of profound silence - a moment of deep connection that many participants later described as transformative. However, years later, when Kahane returned to Guatemala, his colleague Clara Arenas explained that she and other activists had begun refusing to participate in government-sponsored dialogues because these were being used to discourage street protests and other forms of resistance. This tension between dialogue and protest revealed a profound truth: effective collaboration requires both engagement (expressing love) and assertion (expressing power). Martin Luther King Jr. captured this perfectly: "Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic." We need both drives, and they must be exercised alternately rather than simultaneously. When we overemphasize engagement and unity, we risk manipulation and disempowerment - creating what psychologist Barry Johnson calls "degenerative" collaboration. When we overemphasize assertion, we risk imposition and forcing. The key is alternation: noticing when one approach crosses into degeneracy and shifting to the other. When engaging produces capitulation, shift to asserting. When asserting produces resistance, return to engaging. Most people naturally gravitate toward either power or love. Under stress, we default to our comfort zone. The practice of stretch collaboration requires strengthening our weaker drive rather than weakening our stronger one. As former Alcan CEO David Culver wisely advised: "When I feel myself wanting to be compassionate, I try to be tough, and when I feel myself wanting to be tough, I try to be compassionate." Remember that all social systems consist of multiple "holons" - entities that are simultaneously wholes and parts of larger wholes. There is no single "whole" to optimize, only multiple overlapping realities to navigate with both power and love.

Chapter 3: Experiment Your Way Forward Through Uncertainty

The second stretch in collaborative work requires abandoning the fantasy that we can solve complex problems through clear agreements about the problem, solution, and implementation plan. Instead, we must experiment our way forward, step by step, through uncertainty. In 2012, Kahane worked with Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos and the Organization of American States (OAS) on a groundbreaking project to explore alternatives to the failed "war on drugs" policy that had dominated for forty years. Kahane's team organized a diverse working group of 46 leaders from across the Americas, including government officials, security experts, health professionals, and activists. While many held deeply opposing views, they shifted their conversations from arguing about who was right to exploring what was possible. This collaboration was itself contentious. The OAS wanted to control the process through formal diplomatic negotiations, while Kahane's team advocated for a more creative, inclusive approach. Despite mutual suspicion, they produced a report discussing radical alternatives to existing drug policies - the first officially mandated document to consider options beyond established strategy. This report helped unstick a hemispheric system that had been frozen for decades. The key insight is that stretch collaboration involves cocreating our way forward without knowing the exact route in advance. As Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping described China's economic transition: "We are crossing the river by feeling for stones." This requires what poet John Keats called "negative capability" - being comfortable with "uncertainties, mysteries, and doubts without any irritable reaching after fact and reason." Rather than formulating perfect plans, stretch collaboration requires rapid prototyping - trying ideas, learning from results, and adjusting course. Management professor Henry Mintzberg explains that truly deliberate strategies are rare because they require precise intentions, universal agreement, and perfect execution without external interference. Instead, we must embrace emergent strategy - discovering what works through action. The discipline here resembles creative work. Just as Picasso repeatedly painted over his canvas until the right composition emerged, collaborators must be willing to let go of cherished ideas and try new approaches. Success comes not from perfect execution of a pre-defined plan but from maintaining hope, alertness, flexibility, and mutual support while feeling our way forward.

Chapter 4: Step Into the Game as a Co-Creator

The third and most challenging stretch requires moving from the sidelines into the game - shifting focus from changing others to changing ourselves. This fundamental shift transforms how we understand our role in the situations we're trying to address. During a collaboration to reduce child malnutrition in India called the Bhavishya Alliance, Kahane had a pivotal realization. When the project faced criticism from organizational leaders, he felt devastated, humiliated, and angry. For months, he stewed over how he had been mistreated, fantasizing about revenge. Then he encountered philosopher Martin Buber's insight: "The essential thing is to begin with oneself... Any other attitude would distract him from what he is about to begin, weaken his initiative, and thus frustrate the entire bold undertaking." This revealed a common pattern: when facing challenges, we habitually focus on what others are doing wrong and what they should do differently. We blame and "enemyfy" others both to defend and define ourselves. René Girard explains that we create scapegoats as a way to avoid dealing with conflict within our communities or ourselves - projecting our problems onto external enemies. There are two fundamentally different ways to understand our relationship to a situation. We can see ourselves as directors or spectators outside the action, or we can recognize ourselves as actors and co-creators within it. Stretch collaboration requires embracing the latter perspective: acknowledging that we are part of the system we're trying to change. As leadership scholar Bill Torbert puts it: "If you're not part of the problem, you cannot be part of the solution." This shift produces a liberating insight: instead of waiting for others to change, we can focus on what we ourselves need to do differently. During workshops in Paraguay, Kahane observed that progress often began with "el click" - the moment when participants realized that for the situation to change, they themselves had to change. Stepping into the game requires being a "pig" rather than merely a "chicken" in the breakfast analogy: the chicken is involved (contributing an egg), but the pig is committed (becoming the bacon). This level of commitment means risking engagement, accepting vulnerability, and being willing to be changed by the process. The essential practice here is self-awareness: whenever you catch yourself blaming others, bring your attention back to your own role and what you need to do differently. The simple question that keeps you focused is: "What must I do next?"

Chapter 5: Balance Power and Love in Collaborative Efforts

Successful stretch collaboration requires a dynamic balance between power and love - between asserting our own interests and connecting with others. This balance doesn't mean weakening either drive, but rather strengthening both and employing them alternately. Kahane draws on theologian Paul Tillich's definitions: power is "the drive of everything living to realize itself," while love is "the drive towards the unity of the separated." Every person and group possesses both drives, and employing only one inevitably leads to failure. The key insight is that these are polarities to be managed, not problems to be solved. During Kahane's work with political leaders, including collaborations in Colombia and Guatemala, he observed how successful leaders skillfully alternate between these drives. When US President Lyndon Johnson managed to pass landmark civil rights legislation, he did so by meticulously attending to individual senators' interests and motivations - aligning their individual political "wholes" into a collective one. He demonstrated how politics, at its essence, involves harmonizing the interests of smaller and larger wholes. Most people gravitate toward either power or love based on personal preference and cultural background. In high-stress situations involving opponents or enemies, we tend to default to our comfort zone. Some people feel more comfortable exercising power at work but keep love for home, while others feel more comfortable with love and see power as dangerous. The practice of balancing these drives requires courage to make countervailing moves when needed. In environments dominated by engaging, beginning to assert may be seen as impolite or aggressive. In environments dominated by asserting, beginning to engage may be seen as weak or disloyal. The key skill is noticing when the dominant movement is producing frustration or fear, and then making the opposite move. This balance prevents the twin degeneracies that occur when one drive overwhelms the other. Unchecked power leads to imposing and crushing, while unchecked love leads to manipulating and suffocating. By maintaining dynamic tension between these drives, we create the conditions for genuine progress. Remember that when our engaging is producing capitulation, it's time to foster asserting. When our asserting is producing resistance, it's time to foster engaging. The goal isn't static balance but rather dynamic correction of imbalance.

Chapter 6: Listen for Possibility Rather Than Certainty

The key to experimenting our way forward in stretch collaboration is to shift how we listen. Open listening enables us to discover options that aren't yet apparent, cultivating what Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki calls "beginner's mind": "In the beginner's mind, there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few." During the Visión Guatemala project, researcher Katrin Käufer identified four distinct ways of talking and listening that evolved as the team worked together. These four modes differ in whether they prioritize one whole or multiple parts, and whether they reenact existing realities or create new ones. The first mode is downloading, where we listen from within our own story and are deaf to others. The talking associated with downloading is simply telling what we always say - asserting that there is only one truth. This is how stretch collaborations typically begin, with participants declaring: "The truth is..." The second mode is debating, where we listen factually and objectively, judging what's correct and incorrect. Here people express different views, but still focus on winning arguments. The typical phrase is: "In my opinion..." The third mode is dialoguing, where we listen empathetically from inside others' perspectives. The talking becomes self-reflective: "In my experience..." This opens new possibilities because we're working with multiple perspectives rather than a single truth. The fourth and most powerful mode is presencing, which combines pre-sensing (sensing what's emerging) and being fully present. Here we listen not from within ourselves or another specific person, but from the larger system. The typical phrase is: "What I am noticing here and now is..." When a group reaches this state, boundaries between people seem to disappear - when one person speaks, they articulate something for the whole group. In Guatemala, when human rights worker Ochaeta shared his story about the mass grave, followed by minutes of silence, the team wasn't hearing it as his individual story, but as an expression of their collective reality that demanded attention and action. This shift in listening enabled them to discover their shared purpose and work together effectively despite their differences. All four modes of talking and listening are legitimate and useful in different contexts. The key practice is moving fluidly among them and ensuring we spend sufficient time in dialoguing and presencing. If we remain stuck in downloading and debating, we'll only reenact existing realities rather than cocreating new ones. The essential skill is opening your listening beyond certainty to possibility - being curious about what might emerge rather than defending what you already believe to be true.

Chapter 7: Transform Enemies Into Teachers

The most profound shift in stretch collaboration involves recognizing that those we consider enemies can become our greatest teachers. This counterintuitive insight emerges when we fully embrace all three stretches: balancing conflict and connection, experimenting our way forward, and stepping into the game. In Colombia, a remarkable story emerged from the Destino Colombia project. During this collaboration, paramilitary commander Iván Duque and Communist Party leader Jaime Caicedo - sworn enemies in Colombia's civil war - developed an unexpected connection after spending an evening talking, drinking, and playing guitar together. Later, when Duque learned that his organization was planning to assassinate Caicedo, he risked his own standing by pleading for Caicedo's life, saying: "You can't kill him; we were on the Destino Colombia team together." This extraordinary moment demonstrated how collaborative experiences can transform even the most entrenched enemy relationships. The key practice for transforming enemies into teachers begins with recognizing that enemyfying - seeing others as villains who cause our problems - distorts reality and distracts us from effective action. While we certainly face people and situations that present difficulties and dangers, focusing on blaming them unbalances us and prevents progress. Tai chi teacher Wolfe Lowenthal captures this principle perfectly: "No matter how hard and unyielding your opponent, our inability to deal gently with him is indicative of our own stuckness... The 'game' we really should be playing is with ourselves; we are coming face to face with the physical expression of the issues we hide from in our lives. In this confrontation with the self lies the possibility of progress. We thank our opponent for providing us with this opportunity." Learning stretch collaboration requires practicing specific skills. Begin by establishing a baseline for how you currently use power and love, then practice strengthening your weaker drive. Next, observe your talking and listening patterns, shifting intentionally toward dialoguing and presencing. Finally, identify a stuck collaborative project and describe it from two perspectives: as an observer from outside, and as a cocreator from inside. The primary obstacle in learning to stretch is overcoming the familiarity and comfort of habitual behaviors. You must move from a declarative "It must be this way" toward a subjunctive "It could be this way," loosening attachment to your own opinions and identities. These stretches feel both frightening and liberating as you sacrifice your smaller, constricted self for your larger, freer one. The people who challenge you most - those you don't agree with, like, or trust - provide the greatest opportunities for growth. By moving toward rather than away from difficult others, you'll develop the flexibility needed for successful collaboration in our complex world.

Summary

The essence of stretch collaboration lies in three fundamental shifts: embracing both conflict and connection by alternating power and love; experimenting our way forward through uncertainty rather than demanding perfect plans; and stepping into the game as cocreators rather than blaming others from the sidelines. These stretches enable us to work with people we don't agree with, like, or trust - a skill increasingly essential in our complex world. As we face growing polarization and challenges that no one can solve alone, the ability to collaborate across differences becomes crucial. As the South African saying goes: "Faced with overwhelming problems, we have two options: a practical option and a miraculous option. The practical option is to pray for angels to solve our problems. The miraculous option is that we work things through together." Begin today by identifying a situation where you've been focused on changing others, and ask instead: "What must I do next?" This simple shift - from blaming to responsibility - represents the first step toward the transformative practice of stretch collaboration.

About Author

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Adam Kahane

Adam Kahane is a Director of Reos Partners, an international social enterprise that helps people move forward together on their most important and intractable issues.Adam is a leading organizer, designer and facilitator of processes through which business, government, and civil society leaders can work together to address such challenges. He has worked in more than fifty countries, in every part of the world, with executives and politicians, generals and guerrillas, civil servants and trade unionists, community activists and United Nations officials, clergy and artists. Adam is a Member of the Order of Canada. In 2022 he was named a Schwab Foundation Social Innovation Thought Leader of the Year at the World Economic Forum in Davos.

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