Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions

Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions Plot Summary

Introduction

Feminism, at its core, is not about giving women special treatment, but about recognizing and upholding their equal humanity. This practical guide offers a thoughtful framework for raising children with feminist values—values that empower them to recognize, question, and reject gender inequality in all its forms. The guidance provided goes beyond simple prescriptions, instead offering nuanced approaches to the complex intersections of gender, language, identity, and power that shape a child's development and worldview. The approach taken is both revolutionary and accessible, challenging conventional notions of gender roles while providing actionable suggestions for everyday parenting. By examining how societal expectations become embedded in language, physical spaces, and interpersonal relationships, this guide demonstrates how parents can create environments where equality is not just taught but lived. The journey toward raising feminist children is presented not as a series of rigid rules but as an ongoing conversation—one that requires adults to examine their own assumptions and biases while guiding children toward more equitable ways of being in the world.

Chapter 1: The Foundation: Feminism as Equal Humanity, Not Special Treatment

Feminism begins with a simple premise: that women matter equally. Not conditionally, not "if only" or "as long as," but inherently and completely. This foundation stands in contrast to common misconceptions that feminism seeks special privileges or advantages for women. Instead, it demands recognition of women's full humanity—the same recognition automatically granted to men. This equal humanity extends to how we conceptualize roles and responsibilities. When we accept that women deserve equal treatment, we must consequently reject the notion that certain tasks or behaviors are inherently feminine or masculine. The division of labor in homes, the expectations around childcare, and even the language we use to describe these arrangements must all be examined through this lens of equality. The concept of feminism as equal humanity also requires us to interrogate power differentials. In relationships where one person's needs, opinions, or comfort are consistently prioritized over another's based on gender, true equality cannot exist. This imbalance often manifests in subtle ways—who speaks and who listens, whose career takes precedence, whose time is considered more valuable—but these everyday inequalities both reflect and reinforce broader social hierarchies. Equal humanity means equal agency and equal voice. It means women should not have to make themselves smaller, quieter, or more pleasing to be valued. It means rejecting the premise that women must earn the respect and dignity automatically accorded to men. And critically, it means teaching children from their earliest days that gender should never determine worth. By establishing this foundation of equal humanity, we create the framework necessary for all other feminist principles. Without this core understanding, attempts at equality become superficial gestures rather than meaningful change. When children internalize this fundamental premise, they develop the capacity to recognize inequality and the conviction to challenge it, wherever they encounter it in their lives.

Chapter 2: Creating Gender-Neutral Spaces: Challenging Societal Expectations

The environments we create for children communicate powerful messages about gender long before explicit conversations take place. From color-coded baby sections in stores to gender-segregated toy aisles, children encounter rigid gender expectations almost from birth. These seemingly innocuous divisions establish a binary understanding of gender that can limit development and self-expression. Creating gender-neutral spaces begins with questioning these artificial divisions. Why should toys be categorized as "for boys" or "for girls" rather than by type or function? When we allow children access to a full range of play experiences—building blocks and dolls, science kits and kitchen sets—we expand their opportunities for learning and development. A child restricted to toys deemed appropriate for their gender may miss developing skills and interests that could bring them fulfillment and success. Clothing represents another arena where gender expectations become encoded early. The restriction of colors, styles, and even practical features (like pockets) based on gender serves no functional purpose but reinforces the message that boys and girls are fundamentally different and should remain visibly distinguishable. By allowing children to select clothing based on preference, comfort, and self-expression rather than gender norms, we help them develop authentic relationships with their identities. Language plays a crucial role in creating gender-neutral spaces. When adults make comments like "boys don't cry" or "that's not ladylike," they establish emotional boundaries based solely on gender. Similarly, praising girls primarily for appearance while praising boys for achievement reinforces different priorities and values. Conscious attention to how we speak about and to children can help create environments where gender doesn't determine expectations. Physical spaces themselves often reflect and reinforce gender norms. Bedrooms decorated in stereotypical themes, bookshelves filled with stories featuring primarily male protagonists, and even the division of household spaces into "mom's domain" and "dad's territory" all communicate messages about gender. Creating truly neutral spaces means ensuring that all areas are equally accessible and welcoming to all genders. The goal of gender-neutral spaces isn't to eliminate gender or pretend it doesn't exist—it's to prevent gender from becoming a limitation. When children grow up in environments where their interests, abilities, and self-expression aren't constrained by gender expectations, they develop more fully as individuals and learn to see others as complete people rather than as representatives of a gender category.

Chapter 3: The Dangers of Feminism Lite: Confronting Conditional Equality

"Feminism Lite" offers the appearance of supporting gender equality while maintaining fundamental power imbalances. It is a version of feminism that makes equality conditional—women deserve respect if they behave in certain ways; women can have careers as long as they prioritize family; women can lead if they do so in a feminine manner. This watered-down approach fundamentally undermines the principle that equality should be unconditional. One common manifestation of Feminism Lite appears in relationship analogies: "he is the head and you are the neck" or "he drives but you are in the front seat." These metaphors preserve male dominance while offering women the illusion of influence. They suggest that a woman's power should be exercised indirectly or that her authority must exist within parameters established by men. Such frameworks prevent genuine equality by maintaining hierarchical relationships while merely softening their appearance. The language of "allowing" represents another hallmark of Feminism Lite. When we say a husband "allows" his wife to work or "helps" with childcare, we implicitly establish that these domains ultimately belong to women, with men generously permitting exceptions or offering assistance. True equality recognizes that career decisions belong to each individual and that childcare responsibilities belong equally to both parents in a partnership. Feminism Lite often celebrates women who succeed in traditionally male domains without challenging the structures that make such success exceptional. It praises the individual woman who breaks through barriers while accepting the barriers themselves as natural or inevitable. This approach treats equality as something exceptional women earn rather than something all women deserve by virtue of their humanity. Perhaps most insidiously, Feminism Lite often demands gratitude from women for basic respect or opportunities. When women are expected to be thankful for being heard in meetings, for receiving fair pay, or for having their contributions acknowledged, the underlying message is that these things are gifts rather than rights. True equality cannot exist where one group must continuously demonstrate gratitude for treatment the other group receives automatically. By rejecting Feminism Lite and its conditional approach to equality, we establish more honest foundations for gender relations. We acknowledge that equality isn't something to be granted when convenient or comfortable—it's a fundamental principle that must be consistently upheld. Teaching children to recognize and reject conditional equality prepares them to advocate for true equality throughout their lives.

Chapter 4: Language and Identity: How Words Shape Perception and Power

Language doesn't merely describe reality—it shapes how we perceive and interact with the world. The words we use to discuss gender carry implicit assumptions that can either reinforce or challenge existing power structures. By developing awareness of language patterns, we can make more conscious choices about the messages we communicate. The subtle biases in everyday language often go unnoticed precisely because they seem natural or neutral. We describe assertive men as "confident" while labeling assertive women as "aggressive." We praise boys for being "strong" and girls for being "good." Job titles like "lady doctor" or "male nurse" mark certain professionals as exceptions to an assumed norm. These linguistic patterns reinforce expectations about who belongs in which roles and how they should behave there. Beyond these patterns lies the power of naming—who gets to define experiences and who controls the terminology used to discuss them. When women's experiences, from sexual harassment to maternal health concerns, lack widely accepted terminology or are named by those who haven't experienced them, important aspects may be overlooked or misrepresented. Teaching children to name their experiences accurately gives them tools to understand and communicate about their lives. Pronouns and gendered terms carry particular significance in shaping identity. The default use of masculine pronouns for general references ("each student should submit his assignment") subtly reinforces the idea of male as standard and female as variation. Similarly, terms like "mankind" and "manpower" encode gender into concepts that should be universal. By using more inclusive language, we help children develop broader conceptions of who can occupy various roles. Questions of address and titles also reflect power relationships. The continued practice of changing women's surnames upon marriage while men's remain constant symbolizes a shift in identity and belonging that applies unequally. Likewise, the different connotations of "Mrs." versus "Ms." versus "Mr." reveal assumptions about the relevance of marital status to women's public identities that don't apply equally to men. Perhaps most importantly, language shapes how children understand themselves and their possibilities. When we tell a girl she "throws like a girl" or a boy he shouldn't "act like a girl," we communicate that feminine qualities are inherently inferior. When we consistently praise girls for appearance and boys for achievement, we establish different priorities for their development. By consciously examining and adjusting our language, we can provide children with vocabularies that expand rather than limit their sense of self.

Chapter 5: Teaching Difference and Dignity: Beyond False Binary Thinking

Binary thinking—the tendency to divide the world into opposing pairs like male/female, strong/weak, rational/emotional—limits our understanding and perpetuates inequality. Teaching children to recognize and move beyond such false binaries helps them develop more nuanced understanding of themselves and others while maintaining respect for human dignity regardless of difference. The gender binary represents perhaps the most pervasive false dichotomy in children's lives. Despite scientific understanding that biological sex exists on a spectrum and gender identity is complex and internally determined, society continues to insist on rigid categorization. By helping children understand that gender is more complicated than a simple either/or distinction, we prepare them to approach difference with curiosity rather than judgment. Binary thinking extends beyond gender to create false oppositions between qualities like strength and sensitivity, leadership and cooperation, or ambition and caregiving. These artificial divisions force people to develop some aspects of themselves while suppressing others based on gender expectations. Teaching children that everyone can embody seemingly contradictory qualities helps them develop more fully as individuals. The concept of difference without hierarchy stands at the heart of teaching dignity. Children can learn that people differ in countless ways—physically, culturally, in abilities and preferences—without those differences determining worth. This approach contrasts sharply with perspectives that rank human characteristics and, by extension, the people who embody them. Teaching dignity requires confronting stereotypes directly. When children encounter generalizations about groups of people, adults can help them distinguish between patterns and absolutes, between observation and judgment. By encouraging critical thinking about stereotypes, we help children develop more accurate understanding of human complexity. Cultural messages often present difference as threatening or problematic rather than natural and enriching. Children who learn to value difference develop greater capacity for empathy, adaptability, and innovative thinking. They become more comfortable with complexity and uncertainty—qualities increasingly necessary in our diverse, rapidly changing world. The ultimate goal in teaching difference and dignity is helping children develop what might be called "both/and" rather than "either/or" thinking. This approach recognizes that apparent contradictions often reflect the richness of human experience rather than logical impossibilities. By moving beyond binary frameworks, children develop more sophisticated understanding of themselves and others while maintaining respect for universal human dignity.

Chapter 6: Personal Autonomy: From Marriage to Sexual Agency and Self-Definition

Personal autonomy—the right to make decisions about one's own life, body, and identity—stands as a cornerstone of feminist thinking. Teaching children to value autonomy means helping them develop both self-determination and respect for others' boundaries and choices. Bodily autonomy represents the most fundamental aspect of personal sovereignty. Children deserve age-appropriate understanding of their bodies and the right to control physical contact, even in seemingly innocent contexts like hugging relatives. By respecting children's physical boundaries and teaching them to articulate their comfort levels, we help them develop healthy relationships with their bodies and with others. Sexual agency flows naturally from bodily autonomy as children mature. Comprehensive education about sexuality should emphasize consent, mutual respect, and personal responsibility rather than shame or fear. When young people understand sexuality as a normal aspect of human experience rather than something shameful or dangerous, they develop healthier attitudes and make more informed decisions. Self-definition extends beyond physical autonomy to encompass how individuals understand and present their identities. Children deserve freedom to explore interests, develop preferences, and express themselves without rigid gender constraints. Whether through clothing choices, activities, or future aspirations, supporting self-definition means allowing children to determine who they are rather than imposing external expectations. Marriage represents an arena where autonomy has historically been unevenly distributed. Teaching children that marriage should be a partnership of equals rather than an arrangement where one person (traditionally the woman) sacrifices autonomy for the other's benefit helps them envision healthier relationships. Similarly, presenting marriage as one possible life path rather than an essential achievement, particularly for girls, helps children develop broader visions for their futures. Career autonomy—the right to pursue meaningful work and economic independence—provides practical foundation for other forms of autonomy. When children understand that all people deserve opportunities for education, professional development, and fair compensation, they develop expectations for greater equality in both public and private spheres. Perhaps most fundamentally, autonomy involves the right to determine one's own values and priorities. Children who learn to identify and articulate their values, to make decisions based on those values, and to respect others' different but equally valid values develop both independence and empathy. This balanced approach to autonomy prepares them for ethical participation in diverse communities.

Chapter 7: Raising Critical Thinkers: Questioning Cultural Assumptions

Critical thinking—the ability to analyze information, identify underlying assumptions, and evaluate arguments—provides essential tools for recognizing and challenging inequality. By fostering these skills, we equip children to question cultural messages about gender rather than passively absorbing them. Media literacy represents a crucial component of critical thinking in contemporary culture. Children are bombarded with gendered messages through television, movies, advertising, social media, and other channels. Teaching them to analyze these messages—who created them, what assumptions they contain, what they include and exclude—helps them engage actively rather than passively with cultural narratives. Historical context adds another dimension to critical thinking about gender. When children understand how gender roles have varied across time and cultures, they recognize that current arrangements aren't natural or inevitable but socially constructed and therefore changeable. This historical perspective helps them imagine alternatives to present conditions. The ability to identify logical fallacies and rhetorical strategies helps children evaluate arguments about gender roles. Common justifications for inequality often rely on appeals to tradition ("it's always been this way"), appeals to nature ("men and women are just different"), false dichotomies ("either women care for children or no one does"), or slippery slope arguments ("if gender roles change, society will collapse"). Recognizing these patterns helps children distinguish between sound reasoning and manipulation. Practical critical thinking involves asking questions about everyday situations: Why are household tasks divided this way? Why do certain products cost more when marketed to women? Why are some behaviors considered appropriate for one gender but not another? By practicing this questioning in safe environments, children develop habits of mind that transfer to other contexts. Critical thinking also involves recognizing complexity and avoiding simplistic explanations. Gender inequality results from interlocking systems—economic, political, cultural, historical—rather than single causes. Teaching children to identify multiple factors and consider various perspectives helps them develop more sophisticated understanding of social issues. Perhaps most importantly, critical thinking involves reflection on one's own assumptions and biases. By modeling self-examination and encouraging children to consider how their own perspectives might be limited by experience or cultural positioning, we help them develop intellectual humility alongside analytical skills. This balanced approach prepares them to engage thoughtfully with complex social issues throughout their lives.

Summary

At its heart, this guide articulates a vision of feminism as a comprehensive framework for human equality—one that liberates both women and men from restrictive gender roles while affirming each person's inherent dignity. By rejecting conditional approaches to equality and establishing clear principles grounded in equal humanity, parents can guide children toward more authentic and fulfilling ways of being. The journey requires continual self-examination, as adults must confront their own internalized biases while simultaneously helping children navigate a world still shaped by unequal power structures. The most powerful insight offered may be that raising feminist children isn't simply about teaching them to recognize injustice—it's about equipping them with the critical thinking skills, ethical frameworks, and personal confidence to actively create change. Through consistent modeling of respect for autonomy, celebration of difference without hierarchy, and rejection of limiting gender binaries, parents can nurture children who not only envision a more equitable world but possess the capabilities to build it. This guide serves as both practical manual and philosophical foundation for anyone committed to raising children prepared to challenge inequality in all its forms.

About Author

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Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE grew up in Nigeria. Her work has been translated into more than fifty-five languages. She is the author of the novels Purple Hibiscus, which won the Commonwealth Writers' Prize; Half of a Yellow Sun, which was the recipient of the Women’s Prize for Fiction “Best of the Best” award; Americanah, which won the National Book Critics Circle Award; the story collection The Thing Around Your Neck and the essays We Should All Be Feminists and Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions. Her most recent work is an essay about losing her father, Notes on Grief, and Mama’s Sleeping Scarf, a children’s book written as Nwa Grace-James. A recipient of a MacArthur Fellowship, she divides her time between the United States and Nigeria.

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