Deeper Dating

Deeper Dating Plot Summary

Introduction

Finding true love often feels like an unsolvable puzzle. We search endlessly, trying to present our most appealing selves, carefully hiding our vulnerabilities and insecurities. Yet this approach leads many of us to profound loneliness and repeated disappointment. What if everything we've been taught about attraction and connection is fundamentally flawed? The journey to authentic love isn't about fixing yourself or becoming more appealing to others. Rather, it's about embracing your most vulnerable, sensitive parts—what we'll explore as your "Core Gifts." These gifts are the aspects of yourself that you may have learned to hide, the places where you care most deeply. When you learn to honor these gifts and share them with people who appreciate them, something remarkable happens: you naturally attract people who truly value you for who you are. This path transforms not just your dating life but your entire relationship with yourself and the world around you.

Chapter 1: Discover Your Core Gifts in Joy and Pain

Core Gifts are the places where we feel most intensely and care most deeply. They're as unique as our fingerprints, yet they represent our most authentic self. Paradoxically, these gifts often live in the very qualities we're most ashamed of—the parts we keep trying to fix or hide because they make us feel vulnerable. Yet these same qualities are the wellspring from which we love most fully. Michael came to therapy struggling with anger issues. He was successful professionally but feared entering serious relationships because he worried his anger might emotionally damage a partner. During one session, he shared a transformative story from his travels. While visiting a developing country, he befriended a young girl who sold postcards near a monument. Over several days, he noticed a local policeman regularly taking a portion of her earnings. When the girl eventually refused to pay, the officer began beating her. Michael, overcome with rage, intervened physically, pinning the officer against a fence while shouting for the girl to escape. Only later did he realize the danger he had put himself in. As we explored this and other stories, Michael realized his episodes of rage weren't random—they were always triggered when witnessing injustice, particularly toward vulnerable people. Though he had always seen his anger as a destructive flaw, it actually sprang from a profound gift: his fierce protectiveness and deep sense of justice. He had always been aware of the destructiveness of his rage but had never recognized the heroism at its core. Michael began to view his intense emotions not as a pathology to be cured but as a powerful gift that needed proper channeling. His gift was like a wild horse—he couldn't gain control until he honored its beauty and power. This shift in perspective allowed him to work with his anger rather than against it, transforming what he perceived as his greatest weakness into one of his greatest strengths. To discover your own Core Gifts, explore two fundamental questions: What hurts your heart the most? And what fills your heart the most? The answers reveal the places where your soul is most alive. Your deepest wounds often surround your greatest gifts—not because there's something wrong with you, but because these are the places where you care most intensely. Practice noticing moments when you feel deeply moved or hurt. Instead of dismissing these feelings as oversensitivity, explore them with curiosity. Write down patterns you observe. When do you feel most alive? When do you feel most wounded? What connections exist between these experiences? This self-exploration gradually reveals your Core Gifts, providing invaluable insight into your authentic path to love.

Chapter 2: Break Free from Destructive Attraction Patterns

Understanding the difference between "attractions of inspiration" and "attractions of deprivation" is perhaps the most crucial distinction in your search for love. Attractions of deprivation draw us in like a powerful undertow, compelling us toward people who can't fully love us back. These relationships keep us working to earn love, approval, and care, leaving us feeling chronically unseen and unappreciated. Meryl, a thirty-five-year-old guidance counselor, felt happier than ever with her fiancé Jeff, a successful real estate developer who volunteered with underprivileged youth. Their relationship seemed perfect—he was brilliant, generous, and self-assured. The connection felt magical, even transcendent at times. Jeff had entered Meryl's life during a vulnerable period after her brother's death, and his promises of a loving future were exactly what she needed. Over time, however, troubling patterns emerged. The power balance felt increasingly off. Jeff always positioned himself as the authority. He subtly criticized her appearance, mannerisms, home décor, and friends. Despite being deeply in love, Meryl found herself in pain too often. When she convinced Jeff to attend couples counseling, he participated reluctantly. Then, in a stunning moment of anger, he abruptly ended therapy with no warning, blaming Meryl's "oversensitivity" for their problems. Devastating as it was, Meryl ultimately chose to leave. Though many aspects of their relationship were passionate and joyful, it had fundamentally become a relationship of pain and wounding. When she began to heal, she could recognize the warning signs she'd overlooked: this was an attraction of deprivation. Attractions of inspiration feel fundamentally different. They have a warmth and easiness. In these relationships, our challenge is to accept our partner's caring, not to win that caring. These people might challenge us to grow, but at bottom, they love us for who we are. When we're with them, we like who we are. Our attractions of inspiration are fueled by genuine well-being, not by the desperate yearning for something consistently denied us. To identify your personal attractions of deprivation, reflect on past relationships that left you feeling chronically insecure or devalued. Look for patterns—what qualities repeatedly show up? Common signs include partners who are emotionally unavailable, who criticize or diminish you, or who make you feel you're constantly proving your worth. Breaking free requires a firm commitment to pursue only attractions of inspiration. This doesn't mean settling for less passion—quite the opposite. When you commit to the personal goal of only choosing attractions of inspiration, research shows you'll actually become more attracted to people who value your authentic self, while becoming less interested in those who don't. This isn't just wishful thinking—it's a profound rewiring of your attraction patterns.

Chapter 3: Lead with Authenticity in Dating

Leading with your gifts doesn't mean adopting a prescribed set of behaviors or following a rigid template. It means connecting with your humanity and acting from that authentic place, even when it feels risky. This state of "balanced recklessness," as the Hindu teacher Paramahansa Yogananda called it, might involve calling someone you're interested in, smiling at an attractive stranger, admitting to something you did wrong, or expressing vulnerability. When it comes to dating, there are seven key skills that will transform your approach. First, don't be afraid to show kindness and generosity. Though dating culture often emphasizes playing it cool, kindness is actually one of the most powerful romantic intoxicants. Wendy Widom experienced this firsthand during her second date with a man from Cincinnati who didn't match her idea of her dream partner. When it started raining, she put her hoodie over her head, and he reached out and touched her head gently. That unexpected moment of tenderness changed everything. "I would say I married the man of my dreams," Wendy later said, "but I don't think even my dreams were this good." Second, if you like someone, let it show. Research consistently demonstrates that showing interest is one of the strongest ways to turn a date into something more serious. Third, focus on the quality of your connection rather than mentally scoring the other person against your checklist. By tuning into how you actually feel in their presence, you'll gain much more valuable information about your compatibility. Fourth, practice bravery—it's like building a muscle that gets stronger with use. Each time you take a risk in dating, regardless of the outcome, you become more confident and in control. Fifth, develop the art of "squinting"—looking beyond superficial imperfections to see the whole person. This doesn't mean ignoring important character flaws, but rather not dismissing someone because of minor external imperfections. Sixth, share what you're passionate about and ask your date to do the same. Keith Ferrazzi, author of "Never Eat Alone," demonstrated in a workshop how quickly this creates authentic connection. Lastly, become fiercely discriminating about the qualities that truly matter—kindness, emotional generosity, and how inspired you feel by the way someone lives their life. Try choosing just one of these skills to focus on initially. Notice which one resonates most with you, and practice it on your next date. You might be amazed at how this single shift begins to transform your entire dating experience.

Chapter 4: Build Connection Through Vulnerability

The middle phase of dating is often the most challenging. You've embraced your Core Gifts and made genuine progress, but you haven't yet met your beloved. During this uncertain time, it's valuable to recognize the progress you've already made and to understand how your greatest fears might be sabotaging your search for love. One of the most powerful destroyers of potentially great relationships is what I call the "Wave of Distancing." This phenomenon occurs when we push away caring, available people by inwardly diminishing their worth. Groucho Marx captured this perfectly: "I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member." The Wave manifests as a sudden loss of attraction or interest in someone who previously appealed to you. You might find yourself irritated by small things, bored, or simply feeling your interest has mysteriously evaporated. Danny had been dating Jill seriously for about a year when he found himself doubting the relationship. Discussing his concerns with his friend Tom, Danny admitted that while he'd previously loved Jill and knew she loved him, he was questioning whether she was "the one." His normally quiet friend looked him in the eye and said, with uncharacteristic intensity, "Danny, are you out of your fucking mind?" This blunt question jolted Danny back to reality. He suddenly remembered all the qualities he adored about Jill, and when he saw her later that day, his love and appreciation had returned. The Wave is essentially your unconscious fear of intimacy manifesting as a loss of attraction. When we meet someone who genuinely cares for us, our unconscious recognizes that this person can reach our emotional "nest"—the vulnerable place where we care most and can be hurt most deeply. Like a mother bird protecting her babies, our psyche creates a ruse to frighten the person away. The great secret to handling the Wave is understanding that it's just that—a wave that will pass. When it hits, try not to panic or flee. Give yourself space if needed, but maintain goodwill toward the person. Paradoxically, experiencing the Wave may indicate you're with someone who has real potential, as it typically only occurs with people who are genuinely available. Beyond the Wave, we all have various "flight patterns"—ways we flee intimacy even as we seek it. To identify yours, consider this parable: A woman was searching through her yard for valuable earrings she'd lost in her living room. When asked why she wasn't looking where she lost them, she replied, "It's so dark inside. It's much easier to search out here." What's your "living room"—the place where you know the real work lies but prefer to avoid? Maybe you waste time with the wrong people, hide your authentic self, or stay too busy for meaningful connection. Identifying your primary pattern and addressing it will create profound changes in your search for love.

Chapter 5: Navigate the Middle Phase of Finding Love

The middle phase of your journey to love is characterized by both progress and ongoing challenge. You've embraced your gifts and begun making changes, but you haven't yet met your beloved. This period often feels like navigating a tunnel—you can't see the end, but you're committed to moving forward. Understanding how to find light in this middle phase is crucial for maintaining momentum. There are typically three stages that forecast the advent of real and healthy love. In Stage 1, you learn to embrace your gifts and honor them. As you connect with your authentic self, you naturally develop a distaste for relationships that diminish your sense of worth. You begin cleaning house, emptying your life of unnecessary interactions with people who can't appreciate your true self. Stage 2 brings a different challenge. When you let go of negative relationships, better ones don't immediately rush in. This stage often feels bewilderingly quiet—even boring or frustrating. Though it seems like nothing is happening, deep changes are occurring beneath the surface. Like a bulb that needs dormancy to gather its forces, your inner transformation requires time to fully manifest. In Stage 3, an amazing phenomenon begins to occur. As you honor and express your gifts, your world gradually changes. New, healthy relationships enter your life—often starting with such subtle shifts that you barely notice them. Perhaps you make a new friend who inspires you, or your calendar shows more events with people you respect and feel emotionally safe with. You find yourself dating people who accept you for who you are, who demonstrate kindness and availability. To navigate this process more effectively, practice the AHA technique—an acronym for authenticity, honoring, and action. Begin with authenticity by connecting with your true inner experience in the moment. Then move to honoring—finding the worth in your feelings before trying to change them. Finally, take action that respects both your needs and external reality. Jennifer used this approach when her boyfriend Douglas delayed their celebration dinner. Initially swinging between fury at him and self-judgment for her intense reaction, she practiced honoring her experience: "It makes sense that I feel this way because I wouldn't have done the same. I take my commitments seriously. This is one of the qualities I treasure most about myself." This self-honoring allowed her to communicate her feelings effectively. When she expressed both her hurt and her growing feelings for him, Douglas responded with understanding and reassurance—bringing them closer than before. As you move through the middle phase, regularly check in with your "Gift Zone"—the state where you feel connected to your humanity. Ask yourself: "What is my next brave step?" The answer may not be what you expect, but following these inner prompts will lead you steadily forward through the tunnel toward the light of real love.

Chapter 6: Cultivate Sexual and Emotional Intimacy

We can't force our attractions, but we can educate them—and this ability can transform our romantic future. Understanding how to cultivate sexual and romantic passion in healthy relationships is crucial not just for finding love but for sustaining it over time. Many of us have a spectrum of attraction, from 1 to 10. People at the high end (9-10) make us weak in the knees, triggering both insecurity and longing. Those on the low end (1-2) aren't attractive to us at all. But what about those in the middle range (4-7)? This is where the potential for growth exists. If you're willing to date in this middle range of attraction, you're much more likely to find lasting love than if you only date at the extremes. The researcher Robert Epstein discovered something fascinating in his studies of arranged marriages. While feelings of love in non-arranged marriages typically faded by up to 50 percent within eighteen months, love in well-planned arranged marriages gradually increased. By the five-year mark, it surpassed the love in non-arranged marriages, and after ten years, it was nearly twice as strong! This makes sense. In an arranged marriage, couples know their future depends on making the relationship work. They actively grow their connection rather than waiting to see how much it develops on its own. We can apply this wisdom to dating by consciously cultivating our attraction to inspiring people, rather than assuming attraction is fixed. Ann met Steve at a local cinema club. Their first date was challenging—she didn't like his haircut or outfit and felt minimal attraction. But she decided to try something different rather than immediately ending things. On their second date, she found him more attractive, particularly appreciating their wonderful conversation and how he spoke about his daughters and volunteer work with abused animals. She noticed his handsome hairy forearms—something she had always liked in men—and began feeling slightly sexually attracted. A few days later, during a phone call, she was surprised to find herself becoming aroused simply hearing his rich-toned voice. Over their next several dates, she learned to relax and trust her feelings, not pushing herself physically when not attracted, but taking risks when she felt desire. Gradually, her attraction stabilized, often spiking to thrilling levels when their connection was strong. She had found someone truly wonderful and couldn't believe her good fortune. Each of us also has sexual Core Gifts—aspects of our sexuality that reflect our deepest selves. To discover yours, consider two powerful questions: What turns you on most in sex? And what touches you most deeply in sex? These questions reveal your sexual portals—pathways to deeper intimacy. John had always been sexually in control in past relationships, positioning himself as the giver of pleasure. After learning to value his gifts, he began dating Caitlyn, a self-assured woman. Three months in, he found himself fantasizing about being "taken," about releasing control. Though initially uncomfortable with these desires, he shared them with Caitlyn, who was delighted. As he explored this new sexual dimension, his attraction to her deepened tremendously. By consciously cultivating connection, allowing attraction to grow naturally, and exploring your sexual Core Gifts with someone who appreciates them, you create the foundation for a passionate relationship that continues to deepen over time.

Chapter 7: Transform Fear into Stepping Stones to Love

Our fear of intimacy isn't a pathology—it's a basic condition of being human. Like fear of dying, it's not a flaw but a natural response to vulnerability. The key isn't eliminating this fear but understanding how to work with it productively. When we admit the ways we flee love even as we seek it, we gain the power to break those patterns and adopt healthier ones. Godfrey Minot Camille was a participant in the Harvard Grant Study, one of the most comprehensive longitudinal studies of human development. Born to cold, suspicious parents, Camille struggled with hypochondria and manipulation, even attempting suicide after medical school graduation. Researchers considered him among the least likely to build a happy life. Then, at thirty-five, everything changed. Hospitalized for fourteen months with tuberculosis, Camille experienced something transformative—for the first time, he was genuinely cared for, listened to, and treated as though he mattered. This period of attention healed many of his lifelong wounds. "Someone with a capital S cared about me," he wrote. "Nothing has been so tough since that year in the sack." Upon release, Camille experienced what researchers called a "developmental explosion that went on for thirty years." He had a spiritual awakening, became a successful physician, fell in love, married, and had children. When interviewed at seventy, tears in his eyes, he shared what he'd learned from his children: "I learned love!" The interviewer later met Camille's daughter and reported her love for her father was the most stunning he'd encountered among all the Grant Study children. At seventy-five, Camille reflected on how love had healed him: "[T]he truly gratifying unfolding has been into the person I've slowly become: comfortable, joyful, connected, and effective... Only love can make us real." Camille's story reveals a profound truth: his intense suffering and great happiness sprang from the same Core Gift—an enormous capacity for love. This gift was so powerful that lack of love nearly destroyed him, but when finally nurtured, it fueled a remarkable transformation. In your own relationships of deprivation, you've likely felt a familiar pain—the ache of parts of yourself never truly honored. The place where you've felt weakest and most ashamed likely houses a gift that wasn't allowed to unfold fully. When these gifts are finally honored, we experience an innate sense of worth and love. Your journey toward authentic love isn't a race against time or a hunt for a needle in a haystack. It's a journey of finding love's source within you. Every insight you gain moves you closer to your goal of finding a wonderful life partner. As you embrace your Core Gifts—even with their messiness and imperfection—you discover that treasuring yourself and being treasured by others makes all the difference. Trust in your gifts; they will lead you to love. That's a promise.

Summary

The path to authentic love begins with a revolutionary understanding: the very qualities we've been taught to hide—our vulnerabilities, sensitivities, and deepest cares—are actually our Core Gifts. These gifts are not flaws to fix but the essence of who we are. When we learn to treasure them and share them with people who can appreciate them, we naturally attract the right partners while losing interest in those who diminish us. As Godfrey Camille discovered after decades of pain: "Connectedness is something we must let happen to us, and then we become solid and whole... only love can make us real." This journey isn't about becoming more attractive or playing dating games; it's about the courageous act of authenticity. Your next step is beautifully simple: choose one area where you typically hide your authentic self, and practice sharing that part of you—with appropriate discrimination—in your very next interaction. When you lead with your gifts, love follows.

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Ken Page

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