She Comes First

She Comes First Plot Summary

Introduction

Sexual satisfaction is a journey of discovery, connection, and mutual pleasure. Yet for many couples, the path to female sexual fulfillment remains shrouded in mystery and misconception. Women's bodies respond to stimulation in complex, beautiful ways that often differ significantly from men's experiences. This disconnect can lead to frustration, disappointment, and a sense that something essential is missing from intimate relationships. The truth is that understanding female sexual response isn't complicated—it simply requires knowledge, patience, and a willingness to explore. By learning about female anatomy, creating an atmosphere of trust, mastering essential techniques, and developing sensitivity to rhythm and timing, any partner can become skilled in the art of pleasure. This journey isn't just about technique; it's about creating profound connections that transform physical intimacy into transcendent experiences of mutual satisfaction and joy.

Chapter 1: Understand Her Sexual Anatomy and Response

The journey to becoming a skilled lover begins with understanding the remarkable complexity of female sexual anatomy. The clitoris is far more than just the visible "button" most people recognize—it's an extensive network of sensitive tissue with eighteen distinct parts, most hidden beneath the surface. With over 8,000 nerve endings (twice as many as the penis), this extraordinary organ extends throughout the pelvic region and is the primary source of female sexual pleasure. Dr. Ian Kerner, in his clinical work, encountered countless couples struggling with sexual dissatisfaction. One particular case involved Michael and Sarah, who had been married for five years. Michael was frustrated that Sarah rarely reached orgasm during intercourse, while Sarah felt inadequate and anxious about her responses. During counseling, it became clear that Michael had been focusing almost exclusively on vaginal penetration, unaware that the inner two-thirds of the vagina actually contain relatively few nerve endings compared to external structures. When Michael learned about the clitoral network and how it extends beyond the visible tip, he began to understand why their previous approach wasn't working. Sarah explained that during masturbation, she primarily stimulated her external clitoral area—information that surprised Michael, who had assumed vaginal stimulation would be most effective. To transform their intimate experiences, Michael needed to shift his understanding of female arousal. This meant recognizing that the process typically includes several phases: initial arousal with increased blood flow to the genital area, the engorgement of erectile tissues, changes in vaginal lubrication, and the gradual building of tension that ultimately leads to orgasmic release. The practical approach involved Michael learning to pay attention to the entire vulva—including the labia, clitoral hood, shaft, and surrounding areas—rather than focusing primarily on penetration. He discovered that gentle, persistent stimulation of these areas created far more pleasure for Sarah than the thrusting motions he had previously emphasized. Understanding female sexual anatomy isn't just about identifying parts—it's about appreciating how these structures work together during arousal and responding accordingly with appropriate touch, pressure, and timing. When partners develop this knowledge, they create the foundation for truly satisfying sexual experiences.

Chapter 2: Build Trust Through Communication and Comfort

Creating an environment of trust and open communication is perhaps the most crucial element in unlocking female sexual response. Many women find it difficult to fully surrender to pleasure when they feel judged, rushed, or misunderstood. The emotional landscape directly influences physical responsiveness in ways that many partners fail to recognize. In the book, we meet Jennifer and David, a couple who had been together for three years but still struggled with intimacy. Jennifer would become tense during sexual encounters, often faking orgasms to avoid disappointing David. When they finally discussed the issue, Jennifer revealed she felt anxious about taking "too long" to reach climax and worried about her body's natural scent and appearance. These concerns prevented her from being fully present during intimate moments. David was surprised by these revelations, having never considered how his subtle behaviors—checking the time, occasionally sighing, or making jokes about her taking forever—contributed to Jennifer's anxiety. Once he understood her perspective, he made a conscious effort to change his approach. He began verbally reassuring her that he enjoyed every moment with her body and found her natural scent arousing. Most importantly, he emphasized that they had all the time in the world. To build this foundation of trust, partners should practice what the author calls the "Three Assurances": first, expressing genuine enjoyment of giving pleasure; second, removing all time pressure; and third, appreciating her body's natural essence. These assurances should be communicated both verbally and through body language throughout intimate encounters. Practically speaking, creating comfort might involve setting the right mood with dim lighting or candles, ensuring privacy and warmth, and beginning with non-genital touch to ease anxiety. Partners should establish clear, non-judgmental communication about preferences, using gentle guidance rather than criticism. Remember that building trust isn't a one-time conversation but an ongoing practice. When women feel truly safe and appreciated, they can release concerns about performance or appearance and fully immerse themselves in sensation—the essential prerequisite for profound sexual pleasure.

Chapter 3: Master Essential Techniques and Positions

Developing a repertoire of effective techniques is fundamental to becoming a skilled lover. While every woman responds differently to stimulation, certain approaches consistently create pleasure when applied with sensitivity and attention to feedback. The book recounts how Marcus, an experienced lover who prided himself on his sexual prowess, was humbled when his new partner Elena wasn't responding to his usual techniques. During an honest conversation, Elena gently explained that his approach felt mechanical and rushed. She appreciated his enthusiasm but needed more gradual, focused attention. This revelation prompted Marcus to completely reconsider his approach to pleasuring women. Elena guided Marcus through what actually worked for her—starting with gentle, indirect stimulation around the clitoral area rather than immediate direct contact. She explained how the clitoris becomes hypersensitive during arousal and sometimes needs to be approached gradually. Marcus learned to begin with light touches to her inner thighs, labia, and the areas surrounding the clitoris before progressing to more direct stimulation. The most effective technique involves establishing rhythm through consistent, patient stimulation. Begin with what the author calls "making and breaking" contact—allowing each sensation to resonate fully before introducing the next touch. Start with long, slow strokes that explore the entire vulva, paying attention to how the body responds. As arousal builds, focus more attention on the most responsive areas while maintaining a steady, predictable rhythm. Position is equally important for comfort and access. The optimal arrangement has the receiver lying comfortably on her back with pillows supporting her head and hips, legs slightly bent at the knees. The giver should position themselves comfortably between or alongside her legs, ensuring they can maintain the position without strain for an extended period. Advanced techniques include combining manual and oral stimulation, varying pressure and speed according to response, and learning to recognize the signs of increasing arousal. Pay attention to breathing patterns, muscle tension, and subtle movements that indicate what's working. The key to mastering these techniques isn't just mechanical skill but attentiveness—learning to read her body's signals and adjust accordingly. When applied with patience and genuine attention to her responses, these approaches create the conditions for extraordinary pleasure.

Chapter 4: Develop Rhythm and Timing for Maximum Effect

Rhythm and timing are the unsung heroes of female sexual pleasure. Much like music requires not just the right notes but the right tempo and dynamics, sexual stimulation needs appropriate pacing and progression to build toward a satisfying climax. Understanding this aspect of female arousal can transform an ordinary encounter into an extraordinary experience. The book shares the story of Alicia and James, who had a passionate relationship but struggled with timing during intimate moments. James would often increase intensity too quickly, leaving Alicia feeling overwhelmed before she could fully develop her arousal. Alternatively, he sometimes maintained the same level of stimulation for too long, causing the sensations to plateau or diminish. Their breakthrough came when James learned to recognize the subtle signs of Alicia's arousal stages and adjust his approach accordingly. James discovered that female arousal typically follows a wave-like pattern rather than a straight line. Alicia needed consistent stimulation to build initial arousal, then gradual increases in intensity as her body responded. Most importantly, he learned to recognize when she was approaching orgasm—her breathing would deepen, her abdominal muscles would tighten, and her inner labia would darken in color—signals that indicated the need to maintain steady, consistent stimulation without changing technique. To develop this sense of rhythm and timing, partners should focus on maintaining persistent contact while varying the intensity in response to feedback. Start with gentle, exploratory touches and gradually increase pressure as arousal builds. Pay attention to breathing patterns, muscle tension, and verbal or non-verbal cues that signal increasing excitement. The author recommends what he calls the "plateau technique"—bringing a woman close to climax, then slightly reducing intensity to extend the pleasure before building again. This approach creates multiple waves of increasing arousal, ultimately leading to more powerful orgasms. However, once she enters the pre-orgasmic phase (typically recognizable by rapid breathing, tensing muscles, and increased movement), maintain consistent pressure and rhythm without changing technique. Remember that timing isn't just about physical stimulation—it also involves emotional connection and atmosphere. Take time for intimate conversation, maintain eye contact when appropriate, and express appreciation throughout the experience. When rhythm and timing align with her natural response patterns, the result is profound pleasure that builds naturally toward release.

Chapter 5: Guide Her Through Multiple Waves of Pleasure

One of the most remarkable aspects of female sexuality is the capacity for multiple orgasms. Unlike men, who typically experience a refractory period after climax, women can often continue to experience peaks of pleasure with appropriate stimulation. Learning to guide a partner through these multiple waves creates opportunities for extraordinary sexual experiences. The book describes Rachel and Thomas, who had a satisfying sex life but rarely explored beyond Rachel's first orgasm. Thomas assumed that once Rachel climaxed, the sexual encounter was essentially complete. During a weekend getaway, they decided to experiment with extending their intimate time together. After Rachel's first orgasm, instead of concluding their encounter, Thomas continued with gentle caresses and gradually reintroduced more focused stimulation as her sensitivity decreased. To their mutual surprise, Rachel found herself responding again, building toward a second climax that she later described as even more intense than the first. This experience transformed their understanding of her sexual potential and opened a new dimension in their relationship. Rachel discovered that her subsequent orgasms often felt deeper and more full-bodied than her initial climax. The key to facilitating multiple orgasms lies in understanding the post-orgasmic phase. Immediately after climax, the clitoris often becomes highly sensitive, sometimes uncomfortably so. During this period, shift attention to less sensitive areas—gentle kisses, caresses to the inner thighs, stomach, or breasts—while maintaining an atmosphere of arousal. After a brief recovery period (typically 1-5 minutes), gradually reintroduce genital stimulation, beginning with light touches and slowly rebuilding intensity. Pay attention to her body's signals throughout this process. Some women prefer different types of stimulation for subsequent orgasms—perhaps more internal or broader pressure. Others may find that their arousal builds more quickly the second or third time. Maintain open communication, asking simple questions like "How does this feel?" or "Would you like more?" It's important to approach multiple orgasms without pressure or expectation. Not every woman will want or be able to experience multiple climaxes during every encounter. The goal isn't to achieve a specific number but to remain open to continued pleasure if desired. When partners understand and respect this aspect of female sexuality, they create opportunities for extended pleasure that can bring new depth to their intimate connection.

Chapter 6: Create Safe and Satisfying Sexual Experiences

Creating truly satisfying sexual experiences requires attention to both physical and emotional safety. When women feel secure on all levels, they can release inhibitions and fully embrace pleasure without reservation. This comprehensive approach to sexual satisfaction transforms ordinary encounters into profound connections. The book tells the story of Lisa and Michael, whose relationship suffered from unaddressed anxieties around intimacy. Lisa had experienced negative sexual encounters in previous relationships and carried those fears into their bedroom. Though Michael was considerate, he didn't fully understand her hesitation until they had an honest conversation about her concerns. Lisa revealed that she worried about being judged for her responses, feared disappointing him, and sometimes felt vulnerable expressing her desires. This breakthrough conversation led Michael to consciously create an environment where Lisa felt emotionally protected. He began checking in with her more frequently during intimate moments, respecting her boundaries without question, and expressing specific appreciation for her body and responses. Most importantly, he learned to listen without defensiveness when she offered guidance. To create physically safe experiences, partners should discuss health considerations openly, including contraception and STI protection. Practical matters like ensuring privacy, comfortable temperature, and appropriate timing also contribute significantly to relaxation and pleasure. Physical comfort extends to positions that support her body properly and techniques that provide pleasure without discomfort. Emotional safety develops through consistent respect, attentiveness, and positive reinforcement. Avoid criticism during intimate moments; instead, respond enthusiastically to what feels good for both partners. Create an atmosphere where requests and feedback are welcomed rather than taken as criticism. Simple phrases like "I love when you tell me what feels good" can encourage open communication. Particularly for women who have experienced trauma, creating safety might include establishing clear agreements about what touches are welcome, developing signals to slow down or stop activity, and respecting triggers without question. Partners should approach these situations with patience and without taking reactions personally. Remember that creating safe, satisfying experiences isn't just about avoiding negatives—it's about actively building positives through appreciation, attentiveness, and genuine connection. When women feel truly safe, they can surrender to pleasure completely, creating deeper satisfaction for both partners.

Chapter 7: Transform Challenges into Opportunities for Growth

Every intimate relationship faces challenges—differences in desire, communication difficulties, physical limitations, or emotional barriers. What distinguishes fulfilling sexual relationships isn't the absence of these challenges but the ability to transform them into opportunities for deeper connection and growth. The book shares the experience of Robert and Claire, who faced a significant challenge when Claire entered menopause and experienced decreased lubrication and increased sensitivity. Initially, both partners felt frustrated and concerned about their sexual future. Robert worried about hurting Claire, while she feared losing an important aspect of their relationship. Instead of avoiding the issue, they decided to approach it as an opportunity to explore new dimensions of intimacy. They began researching solutions together, learning about lubricants and adjusting their approach to emphasize extended foreplay. What started as a physical challenge led them to have deeper conversations about pleasure and intimacy than they'd had in years. They discovered that slowing down actually enhanced their connection and allowed them to explore sensations they had previously rushed past. This approach to challenges—seeing them as invitations to grow rather than obstacles to overcome—can transform a couple's intimate life. Whether facing differences in desire, recovery from illness or injury, stress-related difficulties, or simply the changes that come with aging, partners can use these situations to develop greater understanding and creativity. When addressing sexual challenges, begin with honest, non-confrontational communication outside the bedroom. Choose a neutral time when both partners are relaxed and receptive. Frame concerns in terms of shared goals rather than complaints, using "we" language that emphasizes partnership. For example, "I'd like us to explore ways we can both feel more satisfied" rather than "You don't satisfy me." Practical steps might include educating yourselves together about specific issues, consulting healthcare providers when appropriate, experimenting with new approaches, or sometimes simply adjusting expectations. The willingness to adapt with compassion and creativity often leads to unexpected discoveries about pleasure and connection. Remember that vulnerability—sharing concerns, asking for what you need, admitting uncertainty—actually strengthens intimacy rather than weakening it. When partners approach challenges with curiosity rather than frustration, they often discover new pathways to pleasure that enrich their relationship in surprising ways. The most satisfying sexual relationships aren't those without challenges but those where partners use challenges as catalysts for deeper understanding, communication, and connection.

Summary

The journey to mastering female sexual response is ultimately about connection, not technique. Throughout this exploration, we've discovered that understanding anatomy provides the foundation, but it's the emotional attunement—the willingness to listen, adapt, and prioritize mutual pleasure—that transforms physical acts into profound experiences. As the author eloquently states, "When she comes first, she comes forever," capturing the timeless truth that genuine satisfaction creates ripples that extend far beyond the moment. Take one meaningful step today toward enhancing your intimate connection. Whether that means initiating an honest conversation about desires, studying your partner's responses with fresh attention, or simply slowing down to savor each sensation, begin with intention and openness. The art of pleasure isn't mastered overnight, but each thoughtful encounter brings you closer to creating experiences of extraordinary connection and joy.

About Author

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Ian Kerner

Ian Kerner is a nationally-recognized sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author of numerous books including the ever-popular She Comes First (Harper Collins). He writes a well known column for CNN and can often be seen on the TODAY Show and the Dr. Oz Show amongst others. He is regularly quoted as an expert in print and online media.Ian is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors (AASECT) and addresses issues that are common to the "American bedroom." He frequently lectures on topics related to human sexuality, with recent appearances at New York University, Yale and Princeton. Ian is the founder of Good in Bed, an online destination that brings together many of the country's leading sex and relationship experts. Ian was born and raised in New York City, where he lives with his wife and two sons.

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