Don't Say Um

Don't Say Um Plot Summary

Introduction

Have you ever felt that sinking feeling when your words seem to evaporate into thin air? That moment when you know exactly what you want to say, but somehow between your brain and your mouth, the message gets lost in translation? Communication isn't just a skill—it's the very currency of human connection, career advancement, and personal fulfillment. Yet most of us receive little formal training in how to communicate effectively when it matters most. The reality is that our delivery—how we speak—often matters more than what we say. This fundamental truth is both liberating and challenging. It means that even brilliant ideas can fall flat with poor delivery, while simpler concepts can resonate deeply when communicated with presence and intention. Throughout these pages, you'll discover that effective communication isn't about perfection or performance—it's about harnessing your authentic voice and physical presence to connect genuinely with others. You'll learn practical, kinesthetic techniques to transform nervous energy into powerful communication, making every interaction an opportunity to speak with genuine impact.

Chapter 1: Find Your Physical Focus to Overcome Anxiety

Communication anxiety affects nearly everyone at some point—whether it's during a major presentation or just speaking up in a meeting. But what if the solution isn't to "calm down" but rather to redirect your focus? The core insight here is that anxiety isn't your enemy; poor focus is. When you give your attention to something physical and actionable rather than your internal nervous monologue, everything changes. Jim, a marketing executive with tremendous potential, struggled with severe communication anxiety that was holding back his career. Despite his intelligence and competence, whenever he had to present to clients, he would physically shrink—opening his mouth less, drooping his eyes, and collapsing his posture. His company desperately wanted to promote him to a leadership role. He was highly responsible, always delivered under budget, and clients loved him once they got to know him. But the company couldn't feature him in first-time meetings because his demeanor conveyed ineptitude rather than his true expertise. When Jim came for coaching, the first thing I told him was surprising: "I have no interest in helping you feel more confident. None whatsoever." Instead of trying to address his confidence directly—a mental state over which we have limited control—we created a physical regimen centered around speaking with a slice of cork held between his front teeth. This technique, inspired by the ancient Greek orator Demosthenes who practiced speaking with pebbles in his mouth, forced Jim to open his mouth wider and project his voice with greater strength to be understood despite the impediment. The results were transformative. To fight past the cork's obstruction, Jim had to open his mouth and use his lips more deliberately. When he did this, his brow naturally lifted, giving him a more positive appearance. His audience responded with better nonverbal feedback, which encouraged him to make more eye contact. The improved eye contact led him to unlock his hands and gesture more naturally. All of these physical changes created a virtuous cycle that completely transformed his communication presence. This approach works because it gives you something specific and physical to focus on instead of your anxiety. Unlike vague advice like "be confident" or "don't be nervous," physical focus techniques provide concrete actions that engage your body in ways that automatically improve your delivery. When your body is engaged correctly, your voice, presence, and even your content naturally improve as well. To find your own physical focus, experiment with techniques like ground your feet firmly on the floor, focus on fully articulating certain consonants, or consciously control your breathing pattern. The specific technique matters less than having something unmistakable and integrated into the act of speaking to occupy your attention. This redirects your brain's resources away from anxiety and toward effective communication.

Chapter 2: Master the Art of Pausing for Greater Impact

Pausing might seem like the absence of communication, but in reality, it's one of your most powerful speaking tools. The essence of effective pausing is understanding that silence isn't empty—it's fertile ground where your message takes root in your listeners' minds. Most speakers rush through their content, afraid that any gap might lose their audience's attention, when in fact, the opposite is true. Consider the case of Andrew Yang during his 2020 presidential campaign. After a critically panned first debate performance where he spoke for the shortest total time and at the fastest rate (7.2 words per second), his campaign was in danger. The New York Times called him "the longest of long shots," polling at less than 1%. A second poor performance would doom his candidacy. Yang's team reached out for help, and over the next ten days, he underwent intensive communication training focusing on pausing and structure. During the second debate, Yang transformed his delivery. He spoke more deliberately, paused strategically, and as a result, his message broke through. News outlets gave him accolades, and most importantly, his campaign saw the biggest two-day fundraising total to that point. The difference wasn't primarily in what he said but in how he delivered it—with strategic pauses that gave weight to his words and allowed his audience time to absorb his message. What makes pausing so difficult is that it requires tolerating silence, which feels uncomfortable to many speakers. To overcome this, I developed what I call the GK Lego drill. In this exercise, speakers hold a Lego block while delivering one complete thought. At the end of that thought—where a period would go in writing—they place the block down in silence before picking up another block to continue with their next thought. This physical action forces speakers to pause naturally between ideas. The brilliance of this approach is that it creates a virtuous cycle of communication. By forcing yourself to pause, you give your brain the precious commodity of time. This allows you to consider not just what you should say next, but also what you don't need to say. Each pause gives you an opportunity to breathe and think, resulting in smarter, more deliberate communication that resonates with your audience. To practice mastering pauses in your own communication, try this exercise with Lego blocks, sticky notes, or even coins. The key is maintaining discipline—place the object down only at the end of a complete thought, and do so in complete silence. With practice, you'll develop the muscle memory to pause naturally and strategically, transforming your communication from rushed and rambling to powerful and precise.

Chapter 3: Develop Vocal Variety to Keep Audiences Engaged

Vocal variety is the music behind your words. It's not just about avoiding monotone—it's about using your voice as a dynamic instrument to convey meaning, indicate emotion, orient your listener, and continually surprise your audience to maintain their attention. When you speak with variety, you're fighting against your audience's natural tendency to tune out predictable sounds. I worked with a politician whose speeches were falling flat despite having strong content. By analyzing his speech patterns using what I call the Five Ps of Vocal Variety—Pace, Pitch, Pause, Power, and Placement—we discovered he was using very little variation in his delivery. The visual representation of his voice showed repetitive, identical "blobs" of sound at regular intervals, all at the same amplitude. Compare this to a more dynamic speaker whose voice pattern shows varied spacing between words, with some sounds thin and tall, others short and long, creating a rich tapestry of vocal expression. After working on incorporating more vocal variety, the candidate's next speech showed dramatically different patterns. The audience responded more positively because varied vocal patterns naturally engage listeners' attention and convey authenticity. Research consistently shows that speakers who use vocal variety are perceived as more trustworthy, credible, thoughtful, and persuasive. The beauty of vocal variety is that you already know how to use it. Think about explaining something to a three-year-old or giving directions to someone who's lost—in these situations, you naturally vary your pace, pitch, pausing, power, and placement without thinking. The challenge is maintaining this variety in high-stakes communication situations when nerves tend to push us toward monotone delivery. To unlock greater vocal variety, try the Silent Storytelling exercise. In this approach, you communicate without sound, using only your facial expressions, lip movements, and gestures to convey your message. When you return to speaking with sound, your voice naturally incorporates more variety because you've activated more of your physical communication instrument. Another effective technique is what I call "Play Your Horn Hand"—make a fist with your thumb out, put it to your lips like a trumpet, and hum a melody with dramatic variations in pitch, pace, and volume. These kinesthetic exercises work because they bypass self-consciousness about your voice and activate embodied cognition—using your body to improve your mind's performance. By physically experiencing the full range of your vocal capabilities, you'll naturally incorporate more variety into your everyday speaking, keeping your audiences engaged and responsive to your message.

Chapter 4: Use Deliberate Movement for Powerful Presence

Physical presence is a fundamental aspect of communication that's often overlooked. How you stand, move, and occupy space profoundly affects both how your audience perceives you and how effectively you deliver your message. The essence of powerful physical presence isn't about striking poses or following arbitrary rules—it's about intentionally using your body to support your communication. I once coached a former American football player who had been a cornerback—a position requiring exceptional athletic stance and movement. Yet when presenting professionally, he adopted an awkward, unbalanced posture that made him look unsure and unconfident. To demonstrate this disconnect, I asked him to guard me as though I were an opposing player trying to catch a pass. Instantly, he leaped into a balanced, athletic stance with perfect form. Then I showed him video of his presentation posture—an awkward, crisscrossed position that left him off-balance and ineffective. The revelation was powerful: this person had abandoned years of elite physical training and muscle memory in favor of what he thought "professional presenting" should look like. Once we connected his athletic stance to his presenting stance, his communication transformed. He realized that standing with intention and balance wasn't just for sports—it was essential for powerful communication too. Many presenters struggle with similar issues, falling into patterns I call "the rockers" (moving rhythmically back and forth), "the shifters" (constantly transferring weight from one leg to another), or "the contortionists" (adopting twisted, unnatural positions). These habits undermine communication because they distract your audience and, more importantly, trigger a vicious cycle that affects your breathing, voice, and confidence. To develop more intentional physical presence, start with what I call "the stasis of standing"—learning to be comfortably stationary. Try exercises like standing on a book while speaking, forcing your feet to remain still, or the "flour standing" drill where you dash flour around your feet and practice speaking without disturbing it. For movement, adopt this rule: "When presenting, you can move as far as you want, as much as you want, and as often as you want—as long as it's intentional." The physical nature of these drills is crucial because they create muscle memory that bypasses your self-consciousness. When you practice standing with intention, your body learns what effective stance feels like, making it easier to maintain even in high-pressure situations. Remember that good posture isn't about rigidity—it's about being "as tall as you actually are" by allowing your spine to maintain its natural curves while your weight is evenly distributed on both feet. With practice, you'll develop a physical presence that naturally commands attention and respects your audience, enhancing every aspect of your communication.

Chapter 5: Recover from Mistakes with Transparent Communication

Making mistakes while communicating is inevitable. What distinguishes effective communicators isn't flawlessness—it's how gracefully they recover. The key principle here is transparency: acknowledging, naming, and owning what's happening in a given moment rather than trying to hide or disguise mistakes. I once coached a multilingual German executive whose English occasionally contained pronunciation errors. When he made mistakes, he would physically contract—literally trying to shrink—and talk faster, attempting to hide his errors. But these behaviors only made his mistakes more noticeable, not less. Instead of continuing this counterproductive pattern, I coached him to use what I call "transparency phrases" such as: "Pardon me—I speak five languages. Sometimes English pronunciation is difficult. How do you pronounce that word?" This simple shift accomplished three powerful things simultaneously. First, it subtly educated his audience about his impressive multilingual abilities. Second, it reflected the energy back to his audience, making them feel valuable when they could help with pronunciation. Third and most importantly, it relieved him of the burden of hiding. This mental freedom allowed his brain to focus on his message rather than his mistakes, ultimately reducing the frequency of errors altogether. Transparency works because it engages your audience's empathy. Consider a simple example: If you're drawing on a flip chart and your marker doesn't work, is it better to hide it behind your back and pretend nothing happened, or to simply say, "This marker doesn't work, I'll try another one"? When technology fails you—whether it's a marker or PowerPoint—transparency acknowledges the reality that everyone in your audience has experienced similar failures. To develop this skill, practice what I call the Three Fs of Transparency: Fake it, Fix it, or Feature it. If no one will notice a minor mistake, you can simply move past it (Fake it). If it needs addressing, you can acknowledge and correct it (Fix it). Or you can even turn it into a positive by connecting it to your message (Feature it). Draft your own transparency phrases like "Let me clarify that," "Here's a better way to put it," or "Taking a step back..." and practice using them when mistakes occur. A powerful exercise to desensitize yourself to mistakes involves a water droplet activity. Place a tiny container under a slowly dripping faucet and begin speaking on your content. When water inevitably spills over the container's edge, use one of your transparency phrases, empty the container, and continue speaking. This physical practice helps you build the muscle memory of recovering gracefully from unexpected interruptions. Remember: A mistake is not a mistake. It's an opportunity to demonstrate your humanity, connect with your audience, and model the kind of transparent communication that builds trust and credibility.

Chapter 6: Build Daily Practice Habits That Stick

Developing powerful communication skills isn't a one-time event—it's a daily practice. Just as athletes, musicians, and performers dedicate time to honing their craft, effective communicators commit to regular, intentional practice. The key is building a sustainable communication regimen that fits into your life and focuses on the skills that will make the biggest difference for you. When building her communication regimen, the sociology professor mentioned earlier discovered that focusing on three key behaviors transformed her professional presence. Rather than speaking at a relentlessly fast pace, she practiced varying her pace through kinesthetic drills. Instead of resonating her voice primarily in her sinuses, she used physical warm-ups to unlock resonance throughout her body. And rather than littering her language with useless modifiers, she practiced linguistic precision exercises to actively choose her words. After four months of consistent practice, she secured a position in her chosen field. The effectiveness of this approach lies in its specificity and physicality. Instead of vague goals like "be more confident" or "speak better," successful practice regimens focus on concrete, measurable skills. Start by identifying no more than two or three primary skills from this book that will make the biggest difference in your communication. These might include pausing intentionally, using more vocal variety, or speaking with clearer enunciation. Next, create a variety of practice opportunities ranging from low to high stakes. Schedule solo practice time for activities like tongue twisters, the Lego drill for pausing, or Silent Storytelling for vocal variety. Then identify existing opportunities in your daily life where you can apply these skills—meetings, phone calls, ordering coffee, or conversations with friends. Finally, create new challenges that push you beyond your comfort zone, like volunteering to give a presentation or joining a speaking club. To ensure your practice becomes habitual, make the act of remembering as brainless as possible. Place sticky notes in strategic locations, set calendar reminders, or anchor your practice to existing routines like brushing your teeth or commuting. Consider changing your phone's wallpaper to display a mantra that reminds you of your focus, or choose a "helper" each week who becomes your practice target whenever you interact with them. Finally, enlist an accountability partner—someone else who is also working to improve their communication skills. Share your goals, practice together, and check in regularly on your progress. This social component dramatically increases the likelihood that you'll stick with your regimen. Remember that like any worthwhile skill, communication improves through consistent, deliberate practice. You don't need hours each day—even five to ten minutes of focused practice can yield remarkable results when done consistently. As you build these habits, you'll find that powerful communication becomes not just something you do, but an integral part of who you are.

Summary

Throughout these pages, you've discovered that effective communication isn't about eliminating nerves or achieving perfection—it's about using more of yourself, not less. As the author powerfully states, "Communication is not arbitrary. We don't use powerful communication tactics like gestures and vocal variety and eye contact because they convey presence and gravitas. We use them because, as animals, we have evolved to affect one another socially, vocally, and physically." This fundamental truth reveals why physical, kinesthetic techniques are so effective at transforming your communication presence. Your journey toward more impactful communication begins with a single, decisive action: choose one physical focus technique from this book and commit to practicing it daily for the next week. Whether it's the Lego drill for pausing, the cork exercise for enunciation, or Silent Storytelling for vocal variety, give yourself the gift of consistent practice. Remember that communication isn't just a skill—it's the very currency of human connection and influence. As you develop these abilities, you won't just transform your communication; you'll transform your life.

About Author

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Michael Chad Hoeppner

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