Don't Take Yes for an Answer

Don't Take Yes for an Answer Plot Summary

Introduction

In a world where technical skills and academic credentials are increasingly common, what truly makes the difference between good careers and extraordinary ones? The answer lies not in what you know, but in how you connect with others. Many professionals find themselves perplexed when, despite having excellent qualifications and working diligently, they still fail to advance or achieve the impact they desire. They've checked all the obvious boxes—education, credentials, experience—yet something invisible is holding them back. This invisible barrier often comes down to how we communicate and connect with others. Research shows that 85% of professional success stems not from technical proficiency but from our ability to communicate effectively, negotiate skillfully, and lead convincingly. What sets apart those who excel isn't just knowledge or hard work, but their ability to project authority, radiate genuine warmth, and harness infectious energy—the AWE factor. When you develop these qualities, you transform from someone who merely performs tasks well to someone who inspires trust, builds relationships, and motivates action. The journey to finding your AWE starts with recognizing that yes isn't always enough, and that honest feedback, though sometimes uncomfortable, offers the path to extraordinary growth.

Chapter 1: Recognize When Yes Isn't Always Enough

Society has conspired to keep you from getting the honest feedback necessary to make the leap from good to great. From an early age, we're conditioned to expect praise and positive reinforcement, regardless of our actual performance. Trophy culture—where everyone gets a reward just for participating—has evolved from sparing children's feelings to creating adults who expect recognition without achieving excellence. Grade inflation has simultaneously diluted academic standards, producing college graduates who've rarely experienced genuine criticism or failure. Consider Gus and Emilio, two friends who began their careers together at the same company. Both were intelligent and hardworking, but over time their paths diverged dramatically. While Emilio rose steadily to an executive position, Gus found himself stuck in middle management despite positive performance reviews. When they met at a bar to celebrate Emilio's latest promotion, Gus couldn't help wondering, "Why him and not me?" His friend reassured him: "You're doing great. If they don't see how much value you bring, the problem is them, not you." Gus nodded, thinking it was time to move on again. What neither recognized was that Gus was receiving what negotiator Christopher Voss calls "the counterfeit yes"—surface approval that masks deeper problems no one is brave enough to address. The issue wasn't that Gus lacked talent or work ethic. The problem was his communication style. He constantly interrupted people, dominated conversations, and never truly listened. This behavior made colleagues uncomfortable and prevented potential clients from trusting him with important accounts. But since no one told him directly, he remained unaware of the impression he was making. His bosses gave vague feedback about "bringing in more business" without addressing the real issue—how his interaction style was driving business away. Our litigious work environment exacerbates this problem. Companies fear discrimination lawsuits, so managers avoid giving direct negative feedback, especially around sensitive issues like communication style or personal presentation. Instead of telling employees exactly what's holding them back, they offer gentle coaching that often misses the mark. This leaves professionals like Gus in a vortex of mediocrity—unaware of their weaknesses and unmotivated to change. The solution begins with acknowledging that we live in a culture of grade inflation. Accept that many people in your life aren't being forthright about your performance. Start asking yourself tough questions: Have I hit a plateau? Am I disengaged? Have I accepted "good" when great is possible? Learn to read between the lines and recognize when "yes" might actually mean "you could do better." Most importantly, develop strong self-awareness—a skill that will become your most reliable signal that change is necessary. Remember that no matter how much praise you've received, there's always room for improvement. As news director Kenny Plotnik says, "When you're number one, you have to continue to turn your head back behind you. Organizations and individuals can easily become complacent and plateau if you don't continue to raise your own bar." The first step toward extraordinary success is refusing to take yes for an answer.

Chapter 2: Build Your Commanding Authority

Authority communicates confidence and conviction without imposing or exploiting. At its best, it inspires others to listen, trust, and follow. Think of Winston Churchill's stirring oratory during World War II, or Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech—their authority empowered supporters and rallied nations. But authority isn't limited to political leaders or civil rights pioneers; it can be cultivated by anyone who wants to be heard and respected. Maria Phillipopolous, proprietor of Dino's shoe repair in Manhattan, exemplified this principle in her small business. When customers brought in damaged shoes, she would examine them with the thoroughness of a crime scene investigator, running her hands over the leather and identifying problems with absolute confidence. Her diagnosis was delivered once, firmly yet kindly, pointing out exactly where the problem lay. Her iron-core confidence and pride in her work made questioning her expertise almost unthinkable. When one customer made the mistake of going to another cobbler and returned with poorly repaired shoes, Maria's response was immediate: "Give me those shoes right now!" Her words came out like bullets, and she confiscated the footwear with the declaration, "I will fix them properly." She did, and the customer wore those shoes for years. Maria commanded authority through six key elements: Voice, Presence, Body Language, Dress, Alignment, and Detachment. Her voice conveyed certainty through careful attention to pitch, pace, and volume. Her physical presence was commanding despite her small stature. Her body language—direct eye contact, erect posture, decisive gestures—reinforced her expertise. Her dress was appropriate to her profession, and she aligned herself with her customers by clearly explaining problems and solutions. Finally, she practiced detachment—confident enough in her abilities that she didn't need to convince anyone. If customers questioned her advice or prices, her silence and steely gaze communicated: "I am the best at my job. If you want to find someone cheaper, you'll be back." To develop your own authority, start by working on your voice. Pay attention to your pitch (the highs and lows), pace (your rate of speech), and volume. Many people speak with artificially high voices, mumble, or use filler words like "um" and "like," all of which undermine authority. Practice speaking in crisp, short, succinct sentences, and become comfortable with silence. Be willing to pause instead of filling space with unnecessary words. Your body language also plays a crucial role. Stand tall with your shoulders back and head high. Use open-handed gestures above the waist, and maintain direct eye contact when culturally appropriate. Your physical presence should communicate that you believe in yourself and your message. This doesn't mean being aggressive or intimidating—true authority is calm, measured, and respectful. Remember that authority exists in the balance between showing people they matter and being confident enough to stand back and let them make their own decisions. When you combine these elements—a strong voice, commanding presence, authoritative body language, appropriate dress, alignment with your audience, and a healthy detachment—people will naturally respect you and listen to what you have to say. Authority isn't about dominating others; it's about inspiring them to believe in you as much as you believe in yourself.

Chapter 3: Create Genuine Warmth to Foster Trust

Warmth is perhaps the most underappreciated tool in the professional toolkit, yet it forms the foundation of trust and connection. Early in my career, I learned this lesson the hard way when I interviewed a promising young newscaster seeking representation. Eager to impress her with my expertise and connections, I dominated the conversation, interrupting her repeatedly and focusing more on proving my knowledge than understanding her needs. When she left, my colleague turned to me and said, "We will never hear from that woman again." He was right—she signed with another agency, and I had to face the uncomfortable truth that my lack of warmth had cost me a potential client. The problem wasn't that I didn't care—I cared so much that I became needy, undermining my authority. I was more concerned about projecting authority than warmth, not realizing that one simply doesn't have the same impact without the other. The young newscaster probably believed everything I told her about what we could do for her, but she didn't trust me because I hadn't bothered to build a connection or help her see our commonality. This principle extends far beyond talent management. A powerful example comes from a 2018 Stanford study examining preventative healthcare for Black men. The researchers found that Black men assigned to Black doctors were 56% more likely to get flu shots and 72% more likely to get cholesterol screenings than those assigned to non-Black doctors. The difference wasn't in the doctors' technical skills, but in how the Black doctors connected with their patients. According to study co-author Owen Garrick, "The Black doctors actually wrote more notes about their patients, and often those notes talked about non-health care issues—a wedding coming up, will the Warriors repeat as NBA champions? Like, nonmedical issues." The Black doctors overcame decades of medical mistrust through warmth—taking a personal interest in their patients and finding commonalities. This created trust that transcended the clinical relationship. Warmth in professional settings isn't about oversharing or being everyone's friend; it's about authentic connection that makes people feel understood and valued. Tom Coughlin, former coach of the New York Giants, discovered this truth when his stern, rigid approach nearly cost him his job. Players complained that he cared more about enforcing rules about sock color than connecting with them as people. One anonymous player said, "He's not the type of coach we're going to go and put everything on the line for." After a disappointing 8-8 season, team co-owner John Mara advised Coughlin to "take something off his fastball" in how he treated players. Coughlin made a remarkable transformation. He created a leadership council of players, took the team bowling instead of practicing, and showed more of his personal side. "Charles Way, my player development guy, said to me, 'Coach, let them see you like you are with your grandkids,'" Coughlin recalls. "So, practice would be over and I'd be rolling in the grass with my grandkids, throwing the ball around." The changes paid off dramatically—the Giants won the Super Bowl that season, beating the heavily favored New England Patriots. Warmth isn't just about what you say, but how you say it and whether you're willing to listen. Jeff Feig, who led Citigroup's Global Foreign Exchange unit for a decade, built a remarkably loyal team during the tumultuous financial crisis by listening deeply to his staff's concerns. "I think listening is an underappreciated skill," says Feig. "Too many people want to talk. So I let them do most of the talking." After understanding issues fully, he would present both sides in a balanced way and end by asking, "Does that make sense?"—not "Did you hear me?" but "Does that make sense to you?" This approach dramatically reduced turnover and increased satisfaction in his division. To develop your own warmth, practice deep listening, acknowledge others' perspectives, and allow yourself to be appropriately vulnerable. Use body language that conveys openness—uncrossed arms, direct eye contact, and a relaxed face. Speak with a steady, resonant voice, and don't be afraid to pause and let conversations breathe. Remember that warmth builds loyalty and institutional knowledge, encouraging people to care more about the mission and to let you know when problems arise before they become crises. In the balance between authority and warmth lies the foundation of truly effective leadership.

Chapter 4: Harness Infectious Energy to Inspire Others

What makes constitutional law, cage fighting, and hip replacements compelling topics? Nothing inherently—unless you're talking to someone who brings tremendous energy to the subject. Energy is that dynamic quality that gives you the power to influence, illuminate, and engage others. While authority earns respect and warmth builds trust, energy compels people to follow your lead. Barry Friedman, a constitutional law professor at Vanderbilt University, demonstrates this principle brilliantly. In a subject notorious for putting students to sleep, Friedman captivated his classes through sheer enthusiasm. He would start slow, saying something like "People, the United States of America is the greatest country on earth," then build momentum, moving around the classroom as his words came faster and his volume rose: "But do you realize, you are ONE step away from losing your freedom? The ONLY thing that separates you and me from prison... is the Fourth Amendment." His emotional commitment to the material transformed dry constitutional concepts into riveting drama that students couldn't ignore. This same transformative energy enabled Lawrence Epstein to help legitimize the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC), once considered a "no-holds barred spectacle of brutality" banned in 36 states. As COO, Epstein traveled to state legislatures across the country, speaking passionately about the sport's safety record and the discipline of its athletes. "We literally went door to door to door to door and changed people's minds," he recalls. "The key to keeping the process moving forward was just relentless optimism." After twenty years of persistent advocacy, MMA became legal in all fifty states, and the UFC grew into a multibillion-dollar enterprise. Energy doesn't necessarily mean being loud or hyperactive. It's about conviction, enthusiasm, engagement, and emotional commitment to your message. When you believe in what you're saying, your audience inevitably responds. But energy isn't just about output—what you're projecting outward. It's equally about input—how you receive and acknowledge others. The most energetic connectors, like news anchor Josie Thomas, create a balance where they project enthusiasm while also drawing out energy from their audience. Mike Novogratz, founder of Galaxy Digital LP and a leader in cryptocurrency, learned this lesson from motivational speaker Tony Robbins. Before giving a keynote speech in Switzerland, Novogratz had a panic attack. To calm himself, he asked, "Why is Tony Robbins so good at this and you're such a weenie right now?" He decided to channel Robbins's energy and style, which helped him deliver a successful speech. Later, when he met Robbins and shared this story, Robbins offered a profound insight: "Why do you think I don't get nervous? Life's about service, and if you go onstage thinking how do I serve the audience, then it's no longer about you." This shift in perspective—from focusing on yourself to focusing on serving others—unlocks tremendous energy. When Novogratz stopped worrying about the impression he was making and concentrated instead on providing value to his audience, he found himself less nervous and more energized. "The moment you realize that it's an honor to be onstage and an opportunity to serve your audience," says Novogratz, "you win the room. And not through manipulation, but with sincerity." To harness your own energy, start by developing a deep commitment to whatever you're doing. As Epstein says, "You manufacture your own passion. There has to be a desire to get into the details." Cultivate curiosity combined with a desire to learn and share. Pay attention to your voice, using inflection and variation to keep listeners engaged. Allow your body language to naturally express your enthusiasm, and practice reading the room so you can modulate your energy appropriately. Remember that energy is contagious. When you approach your work with genuine passion and a desire to serve others, you create a magnetic force that draws people in and makes them receptive to your message. The most effective energy isn't about overwhelming others with your enthusiasm, but about creating a connection that energizes both you and your audience.

Chapter 5: Master the Art of Self-Assessment

The journey to AWE begins with accurate self-assessment—the ability to see yourself as others see you. But this can be surprisingly difficult. As the quote from Mad Men reminds us, "Nobody knows what's wrong with themselves, and everyone else can see it right away." The challenge is to remove your blinders and gain clear insight into your own communication patterns and presence. Gus, the interrupted friend from our earlier example, finally got the feedback he needed when a trusted friend was brave enough to tell him the truth. The friend observed that Gus's habit of interrupting made him seem indifferent and self-centered. "When talking to him, you could see him coiling up to throw out a response before you'd even finished making your point," the friend noted. Once Gus recognized this behavior, he made a conscious effort to change, practicing active listening and restraining his impulse to jump in. The results were remarkable—not only did his relationships improve, but he began acquiring new clients at double his previous rate and soon received the promotion he'd wanted for years. Self-assessment requires both external observation and internal reflection. Start by recording yourself in everyday situations—meetings, phone calls, casual conversations. Most smartphones can easily capture audio and video that will give you a window into how you present yourself to others. Review these recordings with a critical eye and ear, looking specifically for how you demonstrate authority, warmth, and energy. Do you speak with confidence? Do you truly listen to others? Does your enthusiasm come through authentically? As you develop your awareness, move through four stages of competence. First is unconscious incompetence—you don't know what you don't know, like Gus being unaware of his interrupting habit. Through observation and feedback, you reach conscious incompetence—you recognize your weaknesses but haven't yet corrected them. With practice, you achieve conscious competence—you can perform better but it requires deliberate effort. Finally, you reach unconscious competence, where improved behaviors become automatic and natural. Mike Corey, a play-by-play broadcaster with ESPN, used this process to transform his communication style. Though talented, he spoke in long, uninterrupted streams that alienated colleagues and superiors. Working with a coach, he learned to use a stopwatch during conversations, limiting himself to seven seconds of speaking before pausing. This simple technique created space for others to participate and showed that he valued their input. As he practiced this new approach, his professional relationships improved dramatically, and he began receiving assignments to announce higher-profile games. Self-assessment also means recognizing when you're receiving what Christopher Voss calls "the counterfeit yes"—superficial approval that masks deeper issues. If you've checked all the boxes for advancement but still aren't where you want to be, look beyond the positive feedback you're receiving. Ask trusted colleagues for specific areas where you could improve, and make it safe for them to be honest by showing genuine appreciation for their candor. Remember that self-assessment isn't about harsh self-criticism but about continuous growth. As newscaster Dan Shulman says, "The day you stop trying to get better, you're getting worse." By regularly evaluating your communication patterns and presence, you can identify small adjustments that make a significant difference in how others perceive and respond to you. The space between good and great is often narrow, and even minor improvements in how you project authority, warmth, and energy can dramatically change your trajectory. Ultimately, mastering self-assessment means developing the courage to see yourself clearly and the humility to acknowledge areas for improvement. It requires creating a personal culture where growth is valued over comfort, and where feedback is seen not as criticism but as a gift that helps you reach your full potential. When you commit to this ongoing process of self-reflection and adjustment, you transform not only how others see you but how you see yourself.

Chapter 6: Elevate Your Professional Presence

Professional presence isn't something you're born with—it's a skill you can develop through deliberate practice and consistent application. By focusing on specific, actionable techniques, you can dramatically enhance how you're perceived in any professional setting, whether you're presenting to a large audience or speaking one-on-one with a colleague. Andres Varón, a Mexican-born economist with a PhD from Harvard who worked at several major banks, discovered this when his career seemed to plateau despite his impressive credentials. Though technically brilliant, he felt stuck as a "worker bee" rather than someone making deals. The issue wasn't his knowledge or work ethic—it was his thick Spanish accent that sometimes made it difficult for Americans to understand him. After receiving candid feedback, Andres enrolled in accent reduction classes with renowned speech therapist Sam Chwat. This investment in his communication skills paid off when he was recruited by one of the world's largest financial advisory groups as managing director of their Mexico division. Andres didn't view this improvement as denying his heritage but as giving himself every possible advantage in his chosen field. "I've always been very critical of myself," he explained, "so I took it as a constructive comment that I knew I could improve upon." Like Ralph Lifshitz becoming Ralph Lauren or Lucille Ball transforming from brunette to redhead, Andres recognized that making strategic changes to how he presented himself could open doors that might otherwise remain closed. For Micah, a criminal defense attorney, the transformation came through his appearance. Though brilliant in the courtroom and highly rated as a law professor, he dressed carelessly, often wearing frayed T-shirts visible under his suit. After receiving feedback that his appearance undermined clients' confidence, he upgraded his wardrobe and grooming. The results were dramatic—he started his own law firm and soon settled the biggest case of his career. "I always put fashion on the back burner," Micah reflected, "but caring about that led to more growth." His improved appearance gave him confidence that calmed potential clients and made them more inclined to trust him with their cases. To elevate your own professional presence, focus on these key areas: Voice projection: Practice speaking from your diaphragm to lower your pitch and increase resonance. Record yourself reading passages aloud, paying attention to how you vary your pitch, pace, and volume. Work on eliminating filler words like "um," "ah," and "like" by simply becoming aware of how often you use them. When speaking, try the "stopwatch technique"—limit yourself to seven seconds of talking before pausing to create space for others to respond. Body language: Stand tall with your shoulders back and head held high. Use open-handed gestures above the waist to convey confidence. Practice maintaining appropriate eye contact, which communicates both authority and warmth. Be mindful of your posture even when sitting—engage your core muscles and avoid slouching, which can signal disengagement or lack of confidence. Attentive listening: Make a conscious effort to focus completely on the person speaking instead of planning your response. Practice reflecting back what you've heard to confirm understanding and show respect for others' perspectives. Remember that warmth is conveyed as much through how you listen as how you speak. Energy modulation: Learn to read the room and adjust your energy level accordingly. In some situations, high enthusiasm is appropriate; in others, a calmer approach is more effective. Practice speaking with emotional commitment to your message while remaining attuned to how others are responding. As Howard Stern discovered after years of shock-jock broadcasting, balancing output with input creates more meaningful connections. These techniques aren't about creating a false persona but about removing obstacles that prevent others from seeing your true value. As you practice them consistently, they'll become second nature, allowing your authentic self to shine through more effectively. The goal isn't perfection but continuous improvement—each small adjustment brings you closer to projecting the professional presence that commands respect and opens new opportunities. Remember that elevating your presence isn't superficial—it's about aligning how others perceive you with who you truly are and what you have to offer. When you communicate with authority, warmth, and energy, you don't just change how others see you; you transform how you see yourself. This internal shift creates a virtuous cycle where increased confidence leads to better performance, which further enhances your confidence and presence.

Summary

Finding your AWE is about understanding that the difference between good and great often comes down to how you connect with others. Through authority, warmth, and energy, you can transform every interaction into an opportunity to build trust, inspire action, and create meaningful relationships. As Tom Coughlin discovered when he transformed his coaching style, "Because we communicated so well and believed in each other and loved each other, that manifested itself on the field in so many games that we won late with mental toughness and staying together." The journey to AWE requires honest self-assessment and continuous growth. As Roger Bannister proved when he broke the four-minute mile—a feat previously considered impossible—our limits are often self-imposed. Once he raised the bar, others quickly surpassed it. Your next step is simple: begin recording yourself in everyday situations to see how you currently project authority, warmth, and energy. Then make one small change—perhaps eliminating filler words, practicing deeper listening, or infusing more enthusiasm into your voice. As Barry Friedman reminds us, "The people who make it look easy and natural have worked their butts off." Start today, because the difference between where you are and where you want to be might be smaller than you think.

About Author

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Steve Herz

The President and Founding Partner of IF Management, Steve Herz believes that anything is possible.Steve was once a portly fellow who could not swim. Undaunted by a lack of physical gifts, he set about to compete in the treacherous Gulf Coast Triathlon in Panama City, Florida. Shedding his extra girth while learning to swim, he met the six foot waves, the 90 degree temperatures and completed the prestigious Ironman qualifier; all the while raising thousands of dollars for the Leukemia Society and being voted Most Inspirational member of the Team in Training.That underdog, earn-everything spirit has propelled Steve his whole life. And solidified his belief in the power of personal change. He’s leveraged his unique communication gifts and interpersonal skills to build a little company into an industry powerhouse: IF Management, now a part of the Montag Group. With multiple divisions, the company, and Steve, all serve the same purpose: coaching and motivating others to become the best version of themselves. And never settling for just “good enough”. While it has evolved to impact the lives of CEOs, lawyers, entrepreneurs, young professionals, Steve’s ultimate goal remains using his motivational message and distinct skill set to aid others on their journey to greater heights. Steve’s book, Don’t Take Yes for an Answer, will be published June 16, 2020 by HarperBusiness.

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