Drop the Ball

Drop the Ball Plot Summary

Introduction

The train doors closed with a decisive thud as Tiffany Dufu collapsed into the only available seat, her breast pump bag clutched in one hand and a stack of fundraising materials in the other. Her suit was still damp from the breast milk that had leaked through her blouse during a meeting. It was her first day back at work after maternity leave, and she was already drowning. How could she possibly excel at her demanding career while being the perfect wife and mother she aspired to be? The life-go-round was spinning faster than she could manage, and something had to give. This powerful narrative explores a revolutionary solution to the struggle many women face when trying to "have it all." Through personal stories and compelling research, the author challenges the notion that women must do everything perfectly to be successful. Instead, she advocates for a transformative approach: deliberately letting go of certain expectations and responsibilities to create space for what truly matters. By redefining success and building all-in partnerships, women can advance their careers, nurture their families, and reclaim their well-being without the crushing weight of doing it all alone.

Chapter 1: The Perfect Illusion: When Control Becomes Chaos

When Tiffany's son Kofi was just six months old, she and her husband Kojo planned a trip to Seattle. As a meticulous planner with what she later diagnosed as "Home Control Disease," Tiffany created a comprehensive ten-page document titled "Top Ten Tips for Traveling with Kofi." The document detailed everything from how to prepare Kofi's bottles to the precise method for changing his diaper on an airplane. She even included diagrams showing exactly how his toys should be arranged to keep him entertained during the flight. The night before their departure, Tiffany handed this manual to Kojo, expecting him to study it carefully. The next morning, Kojo casually mentioned he had a business meeting and would need to take a different flight. Tiffany would have to travel alone with Kofi. Panic set in immediately. Despite having created the detailed guide herself, Tiffany felt completely unprepared to manage the journey without Kojo. She had unconsciously assumed that her husband would handle the actual implementation of her carefully crafted plan. The realization hit her like a thunderbolt: she had created an illusion of control while simultaneously believing she couldn't manage without her husband's help. This moment represented a profound contradiction in Tiffany's life. She had positioned herself as the domestic authority, the one who knew everything about running their home and caring for their child. Yet when faced with putting her knowledge into practice independently, she felt utterly incapable. This pattern extended beyond childcare into every aspect of home management – she believed she needed to orchestrate everything perfectly but secretly doubted her ability to execute it all. The Seattle trip became a turning point in Tiffany's understanding of her relationship with perfection and control. It exposed the unsustainable nature of her approach to motherhood, marriage, and career. She was simultaneously the expert and the dependent, the controller and the overwhelmed. This contradiction wasn't just exhausting; it was preventing her from truly thriving in any area of her life. This experience illuminates a common struggle many women face: the perfect illusion. We create elaborate systems and standards for our homes and families, positioning ourselves as indispensable managers, yet feel constantly inadequate and overwhelmed. This paradox keeps us trapped in cycles of control and anxiety, preventing us from embracing the freedom that comes with letting go and sharing responsibility. The journey toward balance begins with recognizing this illusion for what it is – a self-imposed prison that serves neither ourselves nor those we love.

Chapter 2: Redefining Success: What Truly Matters

When Tiffany was promoted to president of the White House Project, a nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing women's leadership, she found herself at a professional crossroads. The promotion came with increased responsibilities and expectations, yet she was still trying to maintain her identity as the perfect wife and mother. One evening, after putting her children to bed, she sat down with a blank piece of paper and asked herself a critical question: "What matters most to me?" After deep reflection, she identified four core values that defined her purpose: advancing women and girls, nurturing a loving family, building meaningful friendships, and maintaining her health and well-being. This clarity helped her realize that many of the tasks consuming her time and energy – like meticulously folding laundry or preparing elaborate meals from scratch – weren't directly connected to what truly mattered to her. She had been measuring her success by impossible standards of domestic perfection rather than by her progress toward her most meaningful goals. With this new understanding, Tiffany began to evaluate her daily activities through the lens of her core values. She asked herself whether each task was essential to advancing what mattered most to her. This process revealed that she was spending countless hours on activities that contributed little to her highest priorities. For instance, she realized that serving on her neighborhood association board took time away from her family without significantly advancing her core values, while joining the board of Harlem4Kids aligned perfectly with her commitment to advancing women and girls. The shift in perspective transformed how Tiffany approached both her career and home life. Rather than trying to do everything perfectly, she focused her energy on activities that directly contributed to her core values. This meant sometimes letting go of tasks that society deemed essential for "good mothers" or "good wives" but that didn't serve her highest purpose. It wasn't about doing less; it was about doing what mattered more. This process of redefining success is essential for anyone feeling overwhelmed by competing demands. When we clarify what truly matters to us, we gain the freedom to prioritize accordingly. Success becomes measured not by how much we accomplish or how perfectly we perform, but by how well our actions align with our deepest values. This alignment creates a sense of purpose and fulfillment that no amount of checked-off tasks can provide. By focusing on what truly matters, we can break free from the exhausting cycle of trying to do it all and instead direct our finite energy toward creating the impact we most desire.

Chapter 3: The Art of Delegation: Learning to Let Go

The mail incident became a pivotal moment in Tiffany's journey toward letting go. For months, a pile of unopened mail had been growing on their kitchen counter. Tiffany had always been the one to sort through bills, invitations, and correspondence, but with her increasing work responsibilities and two young children, this task had fallen to the bottom of her priority list. The pile grew taller each day, becoming a physical manifestation of her inability to keep up with everything. When her husband Kojo returned from a business trip to Dubai, he noticed the mountain of mail and asked about it. Tiffany explained that she hadn't had time to sort through it. Without hesitation, Kojo offered to take over this task. Tiffany agreed but secretly doubted his ability to handle it properly. She had specific systems for categorizing mail, paying bills, and responding to invitations – systems she believed were essential to their household functioning smoothly. For weeks, Tiffany watched anxiously as Kojo approached the mail in his own way. He didn't sort it according to her categories. He didn't immediately open every envelope. He didn't maintain her meticulous filing system. Her instinct was to jump in and take over, to explain how he was doing it "wrong." But she resisted. Despite her anxiety, she forced herself to truly delegate this task – not just the physical action but the responsibility and authority that came with it. The result surprised her. While Kojo's approach differed from hers, the important things got handled. Bills were paid, important correspondence was addressed, and the world didn't fall apart because the mail wasn't managed according to her precise specifications. In fact, Kojo discovered a more efficient system – having their dry cleaning delivered rather than picking it up, something Tiffany had never considered. This experience taught her that delegating wasn't just about assigning tasks; it was about truly releasing control and allowing others to find their own methods. This lesson extends beyond household management to a fundamental truth about human collaboration: when we genuinely delegate, we create space for innovation and growth. True delegation requires trust – trust that others are capable, that different approaches can be equally effective, and that perfection is less important than progress. By learning to let go of our grip on how things "should" be done, we not only lighten our own loads but also empower others to contribute their unique strengths and perspectives. The art of delegation isn't about maintaining control from a distance; it's about having the courage to truly release responsibility and embrace the diverse solutions that emerge when we do.

Chapter 4: Building Your Village: Beyond Partner Support

When Kojo accepted a position in Dubai that would require him to live overseas for extended periods, Tiffany faced a daunting reality: managing their home and two young children largely on her own. This challenge forced her to expand her concept of partnership beyond just her husband. She realized she needed to build a more comprehensive support system – what she came to call her "village." This village took shape organically, beginning with her friend Toyia Taylor, who moved into their apartment to help while Kojo was away. Toyia wasn't just a roommate; she became an integral part of their family system, even earning her own column on their household management spreadsheet. Tiffany's mother-in-law Irene would fly in from Ghana for weeks at a time, often with little notice. Kojo's friends helped with weekend Costco runs, neighbors pitched in with repairs, and even their landlord in California kept Tiffany updated on building news. This network of support made it possible for her to maintain her career while ensuring her family's needs were met. Tiffany identified five essential groups that comprised her village. Family Members were people so invested in her success that she never felt she was imposing when asking for help. Neighbors became vital resources once she intentionally recruited them into supporting roles, like asking Mr. Harding to insist that her son address him formally as a signal of accountability to the community. Nonpaid Working Moms – those who didn't work outside the home – became crucial allies who could pick up her children in emergencies or offer parenting advice. Babysitters formed the only paid component of her village, while Specialists – friends with expertise in areas like medicine, law, or car maintenance – provided targeted support that saved her countless hours of research and worry. Building this village wasn't just about finding people to help with tasks; it was about creating a network of relationships based on mutual support and shared values. Tiffany learned to ask for help without apology and to express genuine gratitude for the support she received. She also discovered the importance of reciprocity – finding ways to support her village members in their own journeys, whether by making professional connections for the nonpaid working moms or ensuring babysitters got home safely after late nights. The concept of the village challenges the myth of self-sufficiency that keeps so many women exhausted and isolated. No one person – not even the most dedicated partner – can provide all the support we need to thrive. By intentionally cultivating diverse relationships and being willing to both give and receive help, we create resilient systems that sustain us through life's challenges. Building your village isn't a sign of weakness or failure; it's a recognition that human connection and interdependence are essential components of a well-lived life.

Chapter 5: Boundary Setting: Done is Better Than Perfect

The ugly kitchen faucet became an unexpected symbol of Tiffany's transformation. One morning, as she rushed to pack lunch boxes before a big meeting, she noticed the faucet was leaking. Knowing she wouldn't have time to deal with it for weeks, she sent Kojo a quick text: "Kitchen faucet leaking. Please fix." She didn't think twice about the fact that Kojo was in Dubai at the time – they had created their Management Excel List (MEL), and home repairs fell under his responsibilities. When Tiffany returned home that evening, she found a shiny new faucet installed in her kitchen. It wasn't the sleek, designer model she would have chosen – it looked outdated and unfashionable to her eye. Her first instinct was to rearrange her schedule to replace it with something more aesthetically pleasing. Then sanity prevailed. The whole reason she'd texted Kojo was because she didn't have time to deal with the sink herself. How fortunate she was to have a spouse who, even from across the Atlantic Ocean, had managed to get a leaky faucet fixed in less than twelve hours. This moment crystallized an important boundary for Tiffany: accepting "done" over "perfect." The ugly faucet worked perfectly well – it just didn't match her ideal vision. By accepting it, she was honoring both her husband's contribution and her own need to focus her limited time and energy on what truly mattered to her. The faucet became a daily reminder of how far she'd come in releasing her grip on perfection. This boundary extended to other areas of their partnership as well. When Kojo took over meal preparation so Tiffany could join the Harlem4Kids board, his approach was to make large batches of the same chicken stew that would last all week. It wasn't the varied menu Tiffany would have prepared, but it was nutritious, delicious, and – most importantly – done. By accepting his solution rather than imposing her standards, she freed herself to pursue what mattered most to her while still ensuring her family was well-fed. Setting boundaries around perfection is perhaps the most challenging aspect of dropping the ball. It requires us to confront our own insecurities and the societal messages that equate a woman's worth with the perfection of her home and family. When we can accept that "done is better than perfect" – and that someone else's version of "done" might look different from our own – we create space for true partnership to flourish. This boundary setting isn't about lowering standards; it's about aligning our expectations with our values and recognizing that the pursuit of perfection often comes at the cost of our well-being, relationships, and ability to make meaningful contributions beyond the domestic sphere.

Chapter 6: The Power of Affirmation: Gratitude and Expectation

When Tiffany asked her husband Kojo how she had expressed gratitude to him in ways that were most meaningful, she expected him to mention her heartfelt letters. Following her father's tradition, she had written Kojo numerous letters expressing her love and appreciation, especially on special occasions. These letters represented her deepest form of gratitude – the careful articulation of her feelings and acknowledgment of his impact on her life. To her surprise, Kojo's answer was entirely different: "The hot pics you text me when you're traveling." Horrified, Tiffany protested, "How are hot pics of me a meaningful expression of gratitude? What about my letters where I pour my soul out?" After a pause, Kojo responded with an unconvincing, "Oh, your letters are great, babe." This exchange revealed something crucial about affirmation: it's most effective when it aligns with the recipient's values and preferences, not the giver's. Tiffany had been expressing gratitude in ways that felt meaningful to her, not necessarily to Kojo. This realization prompted her to shift her approach, focusing on forms of appreciation that resonated with him rather than those that felt most natural to her. She began texting him more pictures, which took far less time than writing love letters but had a greater impact on him. This simple adjustment strengthened their partnership by ensuring that her expressions of gratitude actually made him feel valued. The power of affirmation extended beyond their marriage to their parenting approach. Tiffany recalled how her mother had consistently affirmed her throughout childhood, looking her in the eye and saying, "Tiffany, you are so smart. You are so beautiful. You are so loved." Though she found these affirmations annoying as a teenager, they became part of her consciousness, giving her confidence during difficult times. She realized that affirmation wasn't just about making someone feel good in the moment; it had the power to shape how people saw themselves and what they believed they could accomplish. This understanding transformed how Tiffany approached her All-In Partnership with Kojo. Rather than focusing on what he wasn't doing or how he could do things better, she began affirming his contributions and expressing genuine gratitude for his support. She noticed that the more she acknowledged his efforts – even when they didn't match her exact expectations – the more engaged and motivated he became. Affirmation created a positive cycle that strengthened their partnership and made both of them more effective in their respective roles. The power of affirmation lies in its ability to shape expectations and behavior. When we consistently affirm others' capabilities and contributions, we create an environment where they can thrive. This applies not only to our partners but to all relationships in our lives. By expressing authentic gratitude and maintaining high expectations of those around us, we foster connections based on mutual respect and appreciation rather than criticism and control. In this way, affirmation becomes not just a nice gesture but a transformative force that enables true partnership to flourish.

Chapter 7: Strategic Focus: Four Go-Tos for Professional Success

After being promoted to co-leader of the White House Project, Tiffany faced a new challenge. Her colleague Sam expressed concern about working with her, worried that Tiffany's family obligations would mean Sam would have to carry more of the workload. This conversation stung, as Tiffany had always prided herself on her work ethic. Rather than becoming defensive, however, she used this moment to develop a strategy that would allow her to excel professionally while maintaining her commitment to her family. Standing in the hallway of her office building, looking out at the Hudson River, Tiffany had an epiphany. She needed to be more intentional about how she invested her newly freed time – the time she had reclaimed by dropping the ball at home. She developed what she called the "Four Go-Tos," essential practices that would advance her career and raise her quality of life: going to exercise, going to lunch, going to events, and going to sleep. The first Go-To, exercise, became Tiffany's non-negotiable morning ritual. Despite the logistical challenges of fitting in workouts with two young children and a demanding career, she defended this time ferociously. She would wake at 4:45 AM to pump breast milk, then head to the gym when it opened at 5:30. This required Kojo to get the children ready in the morning – a responsibility he gradually embraced as he saw how Tiffany's improved physical fitness translated to a happier, more energetic presence at home and work. The second Go-To, going to lunch, wasn't literally about eating but about intentionally building her professional network or what she called her "ecosystem." Tiffany identified five key groups in this ecosystem: Sage Mentors who offered wisdom and guidance; Peer Mentors who provided accountability and mutual support; Sponsors who advocated for her advancement; Promoters who amplified her work; and Mentees who kept her relevant and grounded. By dedicating time to nurture these relationships, she created a powerful support system that propelled her career forward. Going to events, the third Go-To, focused on raising her visibility and public profile. Whether speaking on panels, giving talks, or participating in virtual events, Tiffany recognized that using her voice was essential to building credibility and positioning herself as a thought leader. This strategy made networking more efficient – a single speaking engagement could connect her with twenty new people, far more than she could meet through individual coffees or cocktail events. The final Go-To, sleep, proved to be the most challenging yet transformative. When her boss at Levo, Caroline Ghosn, expressed concern about Tiffany's sleep patterns, Tiffany initially felt defensive. However, an "eight for eight" experiment – getting eight hours of sleep for eight consecutive weeks – revealed that she had been exhausted for years without realizing it. Adequate rest dramatically improved her clarity, creativity, and effectiveness. These Four Go-Tos represent a strategic approach to professional advancement that acknowledges the reality of limited time and energy. By prioritizing physical well-being, relationship building, visibility, and renewal, women can maximize their impact without burning out. The key is intentionality – proactively filling our calendars with activities that support our success rather than letting others' demands dictate our time. When women execute these strategies, they not only advance their own careers but also demonstrate to their partners the tangible benefits of shared responsibility at home.

Summary

Throughout this journey of dropping the ball, we discover that the path to balance isn't found in doing everything perfectly, but in deliberately letting go of certain responsibilities to create space for what truly matters. Tiffany's evolution from a stressed, resentful superwoman to a thriving leader with an All-In Partnership illuminates the transformative power of redefining success on our own terms. By clarifying our values, leveraging our highest and best use, and building meaningful support systems, we can advance our careers while nurturing our relationships and well-being. The most profound insight is that dropping the ball isn't about doing less—it's about creating the conditions for everyone to contribute more meaningfully. When women release their grip on domestic perfection, they create space for partners to step up, for children to develop independence, and for themselves to pursue their highest calling. This isn't just a personal solution but a societal one. As more women drop the ball and more men pick it up, we collectively move toward a world where responsibility is shared, talents are maximized, and everyone has the opportunity to thrive. The freedom we seek isn't found in controlling everything, but in having the courage to let some things go, trusting that what matters most will flourish in the space we create.

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Tiffany Dufu

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