Extraordinary Influence

Extraordinary Influence Plot Summary

Introduction

Have you ever noticed how a single comment from someone you respect can either lift your spirits for days or send you into a spiral of self-doubt? The words we speak to others contain remarkable power—they can either breathe life into people's potential or slowly diminish their spirit. Yet in our fast-paced, results-driven world, we often underestimate just how profoundly our communications affect those around us. The science is clear: our brains are wired to respond dramatically differently to affirmation versus criticism. When we receive genuine affirmation, certain parts of our brain light up, activating our capacity for innovation, problem-solving, and resilience. Conversely, criticism triggers our defensive mechanisms, shutting down the very cognitive resources we need to improve. This isn't just about making people feel good—it's about unlocking extraordinary human potential in our organizations, families, and communities through the strategic use of affirming words that transform lives from the inside out.

Chapter 1: Harness the Science of Affirmation for Transformative Leadership

Affirmation is far more than just offering praise or compliments. True affirmation speaks to something deeper in a person, connecting with their core identity in a way that transforms beliefs and, ultimately, actions. When we affirm others, we activate specific neural pathways associated with well-being, creativity, and higher cognitive thinking. Consider William, a high school football co-captain who had just experienced a devastating playoff loss after eight years of dedication to the sport. As he stood on the field, heartbroken and in tears, the opposing team's coach approached him. Instead of offering platitudes, this coach looked William directly in the eyes and said, "Son, tonight you played an outstanding game, and you left nothing on the field. You displayed great character and courage in the way that you led your teammates, and it was an honor to play against you." Those words lodged deeply in William's core, becoming part of his identity. Six months later, William entered the United States Naval Academy, where he faced grueling academic, physical, and emotional challenges, including career-ending injuries. The coach's words of affirmation had helped plant beliefs that directed his actions through adversity: "While what I'm going through is incredibly difficult, I can finish this." Brain research confirms this powerful effect. Affirmation buffers stress, improves problem-solving abilities, and activates the ventromedial prefrontal cortex—the region associated with self-worth and positive behavior changes. It also triggers the release of hormones like oxytocin and vasopressin, known for their role in trust and attachment. Additionally, affirmation activates the parasympathetic nervous system, supporting immune health, cardiovascular health, and hormone balance. The documentary "Jiro Dreams of Sushi" illustrates this transformation beautifully. An apprentice chef, Daisuke Nakazawa, worked for ten years under master sushi chef Jiro Ono. After making over 200 egg sushi that were rejected, Nakazawa finally created one that met his master's standards. When Jiro finally said, "Now this is how it should be done," Nakazawa was so moved he cried. Later, when Jiro referred to him as a "shokunin" (artisan), Nakazawa said, "I was so happy I wanted to throw my fist into the air!" This wasn't merely praise for a job well done—it was recognition of his transformation into an artisan with a spiritual calling to excellence. For leaders seeking to unleash extraordinary influence, understanding that affirmation is not "soft" but scientifically grounded is essential. The evidence shows it fosters innovation, increases resilience, and improves productivity in ways that criticism never could. To implement this approach, start by recognizing both competence (what someone does) and character (who they are). Make affirmation specific, timely, and authentic—never generic. Most importantly, look for opportunities to speak to a person's core identity, affirming qualities like integrity, courage, or wisdom that form the foundation of their character.

Chapter 2: Speak Words of Life to Build Strong Character Cores

Words of Life represent the most powerful form of affirmation—language that speaks directly to a person's core identity, transforming them from the inside out. Unlike superficial compliments that go "skin deep," Words of Life reach the inner person where beliefs are formed and stored, ultimately directing future actions and decisions. Sally, who took over as CEO of her father's manufacturing company after his death, faced tremendous challenges in transitioning the business. After successfully implementing significant organizational changes, her advisor told her: "Sally, I've worked with many companies, and very few CEOs have brought about the number of changes you have so skillfully. You have exhibited great integrity in the way you've handled difficult personnel changes, always maintaining people's dignity. You paid a significant emotional price to run the company differently than your father did. You demonstrated profound courage and initiative in making these changes." As these words were spoken, Sally became momentarily speechless, with tears welling in her eyes. This wasn't mere praise for Sally's business decisions but affirmation of her character—her courage, integrity, and resilience. The core represents our inner person—where we form beliefs, make decisions, and establish our identity. When someone affirms this core with Words of Life, they help lodge positive, redemptive beliefs that guide future actions. This differs dramatically from affirming someone's style (how they come across) or competence (what skills they possess), which are more surface-level affirmations. Words of Life specifically address dimensions of character using language that reaches the core. They might affirm integrity: "When our representative wanted us to sell our product to a country with human rights abuses, you made the call that we would not sell to them. This decision hurt your sales numbers and your personal bonus, but you showed tremendous integrity." Or they might affirm courage: "You knew the CEO badly wanted to acquire that company. When you became aware they intentionally misstated their financials, you stood up to her and said you could not recommend the deal. I tremendously respect the courage that required." To effectively deliver Words of Life, certain conditions must be met. First, the giver must have an intact core themselves—arrogance or compromise in one's own character prevents reaching another's core authentically. Second, the words must be carefully considered, not throwaway lines. Third, they must use the right vocabulary—words that speak to character qualities like integrity, courage, humility, judgment, authenticity, wisdom, resilience, or influence. Finally, Words of Life must be given upon a foundation of trust between giver and receiver, with the receiver as the sole focus of attention in that moment. The long-term impact of Words of Life can be profound. Anne, who tutored a boy named Jarius who was several grade levels behind in reading, eventually told him, "Jarius, you've worked so hard for all these months and now you're reading so well—you've caught up!" His eyes brightened, a huge smile flashed across his face, and in the most exuberant voice imaginable, he exclaimed, "Yes, I can read! I can read! I can read!" Eight years later, like all the other graduates of his school, he went on to college.

Chapter 3: Replace Criticism with Alliance Feedback for Growth

Traditional criticism, even when well-intentioned, fails to bring out the best in people. Brain science shows that criticism activates our amygdala—the brain's threat detection center—triggering a defensive response that shuts down the higher-order thinking needed for growth and improvement. So how can we correct behavior without criticism? The answer is Alliance Feedback. Tim was washing dishes at a college cafeteria where local farmers collected food waste to feed their hogs. One day, thinking he was being clever, Tim teased the farmers about feeding ham scraps to their pigs, suggesting they were turning the animals into "cannibals." While his college friends laughed, the farmers were visibly uncomfortable. Later, the cafeteria manager, Mr. Benson, called Tim into his office. Rather than berating him, Mr. Benson said: "Tim, we love the mission of our cafeteria—to provide healthy, appetizing, and affordable meals in a pleasant atmosphere. A critical part of our team is our group of local farmers. Joe and Sam are good men who love to farm. They are loyal, conscientious, and show up every day to do their job. I believe that how we treat people matters more than just about anything. I want to support you in expressing who you really are, and so I know you will apologize to Joe and Sam tomorrow." With a thick throat and barely able to speak, Tim assured Mr. Benson nothing like this would happen again. The next day, Tim apologized to the farmers, who accepted graciously. This interaction transformed Tim, who grew from the experience rather than being diminished by harsh criticism. Alliance Feedback works by pointing out contradictions between a person's intentions and their present behavior in a supportive manner. There are two types: Aspirational Feedback connects needed changes to the person's hopes and dreams ("You are more likely to achieve your aspirations if you do this"), and Missional Feedback ties changes to mutual goals and organizational mission ("This approach would better align with our team's objectives"). For Alliance Feedback to be effective, several conditions must be met. First, recognize that everyone has an amygdala with a negativity bias wired to detect threats—avoid triggering defensive reactions. Second, create a supportive environment where the recipient feels safe. One CEO noted that when someone gives feedback because they're "down on you," it's not feedback but abuse. Third, attribute positive motives to the recipient—assume they want to succeed and contribute. Fourth, help the person become more self-aware by connecting their behavior to their aspirations. Finally, maintain a professional, adult tone throughout—avoid sounding parental or condescending. Brain research confirms that connecting feedback to people's aspirations activates brain areas associated with positive emotions, calmness, and openness to new ideas. It also triggers hormones like oxytocin that foster trust and attachment. This approach engages the brain's resources for growth rather than shutting them down, making Alliance Feedback dramatically more effective than criticism for developing people.

Chapter 4: Master Tactical and Strategic Influence for Teams

Extraordinary influence extends beyond individuals to encompass entire teams. For teams to thrive, leaders must balance attention to three critical dimensions: the "I" (individual team members), the "We" (the collective team), and the "It" (the mission or purpose). When any dimension remains out of balance, all three dimensions suffer. Pat worked on a commercial landscape crew to pay his way through college. One day, while installing large boulders along a sidewalk, Pat impulsively pulled an unknown red lever in the crane cab. Instantly, the bucket opened, dropping a massive boulder onto a freshly paved sidewalk, creating massive damage. Everyone expected Pat would be fired. Instead, when he received his paycheck that Friday, his boss said: "Your mistake was highly uncharacteristic of you. You are an excellent employee, and we greatly value your membership on our installation team and the positive influence you have on other team members. We want you to remain on the team, and by the way, don't pull that red lever again unless you know exactly why!" This act of grace not only affirmed Pat individually but enveloped the whole team in a renewed sense of purpose and belonging. Great leaders skillfully balance attention across all three dimensions. For the "I" dimension, they recognize individual contributions and meet personal development needs. Despite team-oriented slogans like "There's no 'I' in team," effective leaders know that attention to individual team members is crucial. Simple practices like beginning team sessions with exercises where each member shares something about themselves acknowledges the "I" while creating readiness to attend to the "We" and "It." For the "We" dimension, leaders foster a collective core characterized by trust, collaboration, and healthy conflict resolution. Teams, like individuals, can have a strong or weak core. When the collective core is strong, the team demonstrates respect for fellow members, openness and candor, full emotional participation, and empathy for each person. Leaders must affirm these qualities when they appear and provide Alliance Feedback when the team dynamic falters. For the "It" dimension, great leaders transform tasks into quests by connecting work to a higher purpose. Horst Schulze, founder of the Ritz Carlton Hotel Company, turned hotel service into a noble pursuit with the motto "We are ladies and gentlemen serving ladies and gentlemen." This elevated mission mobilized an entire organization, from managers to housekeepers, around the quest for extraordinary service. Even mundane tasks like putting new tires on a car can be reframed as "keeping families safe"—same task, different meaning. When teams or organizations face trauma, such as at Tyco International after CEO Dennis Kozlowski's indictment for stealing millions from the company, healing requires attention to all three dimensions. Eric Pillmore, who joined as senior vice president of corporate governance, first addressed individual concerns through town halls where employees could voice their fears. Then he rebuilt the collective "We" through transparency and shared values. Finally, he reestablished a new direction—the "It"—based on integrity, excellence, accountability, and teamwork. This balanced approach successfully transformed the organization, with revenues continuing to rise throughout the crisis.

Chapter 5: Transform High Potentials Through Four Key Developmental Actions

One of leadership's greatest tests is developing other leaders, particularly those with extraordinary potential. These "high-potential" or "HiPo" employees—typically promotable at least two levels above their present position in a shorter-than-normal timeframe—need enriched developmental experiences to prepare them for bigger responsibilities. How can we bring out the best in these gifted individuals? Jim, a college freshman, received an invitation to work for Mr. Benning's construction company during summer break. Rather than immediately putting Jim on a job site, Mr. Benning first assigned him to clear a massive field of weeds with only a sickle—a task that took nearly two weeks. Next came two weeks of scraping peeling paint from a storage building. Each Friday, Mr. Benning would meet with Jim to discuss his progress and talk about life, work, and faith. He would always ask, "Is this the best you can do?"—not as criticism but as a challenge to measure himself against high standards. After a month of grueling manual labor, Jim finally earned his hard hat and site assignment, where he continued learning resilience under a demanding supervisor nicknamed "Goat." Through this experience, Jim developed emotional resilience—the ability to bounce back from disappointment or adversity. He also gained respect for skilled tradespeople and developed a deeper maturity that benefited him in all areas of life. Years later, as a real estate developer building commercial buildings, Jim's summer experience proved invaluable in his understanding of construction and his ability to relate authentically to construction crews. Four transformational actions can accelerate HiPos' development beyond technical skills. First, affirm their style, competence, and especially their core. Research shows affirmation offers numerous benefits particularly valuable for emerging leaders: it promotes psychological well-being, fosters openness to new ideas, enhances resilience to stress, improves higher cognitive thinking, increases self-control, and builds self-confidence. Second, encourage HiPos to actively build and guard their core. The risks of derailment are greater for the gifted, as power, position, status, and success can create arrogance—"the mother of all derailers." Help them recognize the five stages of derailment: lack of self-awareness, arrogance, missed warning signals, rationalization, and the point of no return. Third, urge HiPos to lead from influence rather than position power. One CEO attempted to get his book into his company's stores with a phone call, only to learn that if he forced the issue using his position power, the book would be "doomed from the start" due to resentment. Wise leaders place HiPos in positions requiring them to lead through influence, collaboration, and alignment with mission and values rather than formal authority. Fourth, help HiPos develop courage—the willingness to take necessary risks despite potential personal costs. A board member of a well-known company once failed to speak up about a CEO's misconduct because he feared being ostracized or removed from the board. Years later, when the company was in turmoil and the CEO finally resigned in disgrace, this board member deeply regretted his lack of courage. Encouraging HiPos means putting heart and courage into them, preparing them to make difficult decisions when organizational health is at stake.

Chapter 6: Redesign Performance Systems Around Affirmation

Performance appraisals are among the most universally dreaded experiences in organizations—both for those giving and receiving them. Despite good intentions to improve employee performance, most systems accomplish the opposite: they create stress, close off communication, and generate resentment. Comments like "My anxiety is off the charts. I feel so defensive, I don't hear a word" and "The whole process feels demeaning" are common reactions to traditional performance reviews. FedEx Freight CEO Michael Ducker recognized these problems and initiated a complete performance management redesign. "People just hated it!" he explained about their old system. Managers described it as "fruitless activity" that took a week of "filling out squares." Beyond the administrative burden, Ducker was concerned about the negative cloud hanging over the experience. "We wanted to celebrate employees' success. We wanted to make it a much more positive and uplifting experience." Under Ducker's direction, HR leader Jeff Greer developed a new approach called the "performance chat" that was less formal and less intimidating. The frequency increased from once yearly to three times a year, plus more frequent informal conversations. The content was tied to FedEx's foundational principles of "people, service, profit"—a "virtuous circle" that starts with valuing employees, who then provide excellent customer service, generating profits that are reinvested back into people. Two additional categories—Development of Self and Development of Others—completed the five discussion areas. The system replaced elaborate numerical ratings with four simple verbal categories: Above Acceptable, Acceptable, Needs Improvement, and Too New to Rate. There was no forced distribution requiring managers to rate certain percentages of employees in each category. The response to the new system was overwhelmingly positive, with minimal resistance—something Ducker attributed to chairman Fred Smith's support, Jeff Greer's leadership, and the inclusion of key stakeholders from the beginning. Any redesigned performance management system should incorporate several key principles. First, timeliness matters—feedback is most effective when given close to the behavior being addressed. As one executive put it, performance feedback should ideally be given "daily." Second, affirmation must be central, addressing all three levels—style, competence, and core. Brain science confirms that affirmation is key to accessing higher-order brain functions. Third, the system must include the "what" (competence), "how" (style), and "who" (core) dimensions, with the core being where true transformation occurs. For addressing performance issues, Alliance Feedback should replace criticism. This means connecting needed improvements to either the employee's personal aspirations ("If you collaborate more with the marketing team, you'll build a more positive personal brand, which is essential for your goal of joining leadership") or to organizational objectives. This approach engages the brain's resources for growth rather than triggering defensive reactions. Finally, trust must underpin the entire process. Recipients need to know that, fundamentally, their manager is committed to their success. As one CEO noted, feedback should always feel like it's coming from a place of "betterment." Organizations that successfully implement these principles create cultures that are truly developmental, becoming places where people thrive and consistently outperform competitors.

Chapter 7: Apply Extraordinary Influence in Parenting, Teaching, and Coaching

The principles of extraordinary influence extend beyond the corporate world to anyone responsible for developing children or young adults. Parents, teachers, and coaches all have unique opportunities to speak Words of Life that transform the trajectory of young lives. When their sons were growing up, the author and his wife used the Space Shuttle as a metaphor for their parenting mission. Like the solid rocket boosters that propel the shuttle into orbit before detaching, parents provide the initial thrust to help children reach their highest potential before eventually dropping away. At that point, the "on-board engines"—the child's own resources, wisdom, and judgment—must take over. This metaphor captures the essence of developing children: providing both the foundation and the launch capacity needed for them to thrive independently. Words of Life are particularly powerful in children's development. A mother whose son played high school football demonstrated extraordinary courage when she stormed onto the practice field during a live scrimmage after learning he had earned a C on a math test. Grabbing him by the facemask, she informed him he could not return to practice until he improved his grade. While dramatic, this action reflected her unwavering commitment to her son's long-term success. Years later, this young man became a commander of a Navy warship. Conversely, Words of Death—criticism and shame—can have devastating effects on children. Anne, the author's wife, nearly had her interest in art destroyed in first grade when her teacher publicly shamed her for creating an abstract painting that splattered paint on the floor. The teacher interrupted the class to reprimand Anne, saying, "Look at the mess Anne has made." Anne burst into tears and ran to her desk sobbing. This public shaming created a painful memory that still resides in Anne's core decades later. To correct children's behavior without criticism, Alliance Feedback provides a powerful alternative. High school math teacher Mrs. Chapman demonstrated this perfectly when reviewing a student's poor test performance by simply saying, "You are so much better than this." In that brief statement, she conveyed belief in the student's potential while pointing out the incongruity between their capability and current performance. This motivated the student far more effectively than criticism would have. The I, We, and It model applies equally to families and youth development. Parents should encourage each child's individual strengths (the I), while fostering a strong family identity (the We) with clear values and boundaries. Statements like "In our family, we don't [fill in the blank]" help establish these boundaries without condemning others' choices. The family must also have a clear mission (the It)—raising children to become mature, independent, and accomplished adults. Perhaps most challenging is finding the right balance between protecting children and allowing them to face necessary adversity. Like butterflies struggling to emerge from their chrysalis, children need to push against resistance to develop strength. When the author's eight-year-old son froze while rock climbing, panicking 30 feet up a wall, his father made the difficult decision not to immediately rescue him. With patient encouragement from an instructor, the boy eventually conquered his fear and completed the climb. This experience marked a turning point in his development of confidence and resilience.

Summary

Words truly possess the power to bring either death or life. The science is clear: affirmation activates our brain's centers for innovation, problem-solving, and resilience, while criticism triggers defensive mechanisms that shut down these vital resources. By understanding this fundamental truth, we can transform our approach to leadership, parenting, teaching, and coaching—speaking Words of Life that reach the core of those we influence. As one CEO powerfully stated, "The way I get ready to give someone feedback is to remember that everyone is imperfect, including me." This humble recognition allows us to form genuine alliances with those we lead, connecting needed changes to their aspirations rather than diminishing them with criticism. Today, commit to flipping your normal pattern—affirm more and criticize less. Speak at least one Word of Life to someone in your sphere of influence, affirming a quality of their character like integrity, courage, or wisdom. This single shift in how you communicate could be the catalyst that transforms a life trajectory forever.

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Tim Irwin

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