Getting to Zero

Getting to Zero Plot Summary

Introduction

Conflict is inevitable in our closest relationships. Whether with partners, family members, or colleagues, disagreements arise that test our patience and challenge our connections. Yet most of us were never taught how to navigate these turbulent waters effectively. Instead, we rely on ineffective strategies like blame, avoidance, or forced apologies that leave wounds festering beneath the surface. What if conflict wasn't something to fear but rather an opportunity for deeper connection? The path to meaningful relationships doesn't lie in avoiding disagreements but in learning how to work through them skillfully. When we develop the capacity to face difficult conversations with presence and compassion, we transform our relationships and ourselves in the process. Through practical tools and honest self-reflection, we can learn to move from disconnection to genuine understanding, creating bonds that are stronger and more resilient than before.

Chapter 1: Understand Your Inner Conflict

At the heart of every external conflict lies an internal struggle. This inner conflict stems from a fundamental human dilemma: the gap between our True Self and our Strategic Self. The True Self represents our authentic expression—our genuine emotions, desires, and perspectives. The Strategic Self, by contrast, is the version of ourselves we've developed to gain acceptance and maintain connection with others. Jayson Gaddis discovered this core split early in life. As a sensitive, emotional boy, he found that expressing his authentic feelings often led to rejection or criticism. When he cried on the playground, he risked being teased or bullied. If he sought comfort from his mother in public, he might be labeled a "mama's boy." Over time, he learned to hide his sensitivity and adopt strategies—being funny, charming, or athletic—that earned him acceptance but disconnected him from his true nature. This pattern followed him into adulthood. During his twenties, Jayson moved through a series of failed relationships, keeping women at arm's length and avoiding conflict. When a girlfriend would bring up issues or ask for deeper connection, he would pull away or "fire" her from the relationship. The pain of these experiences eventually became so great that it catalyzed his journey of growth. After a particularly insightful breakup in a Whole Foods parking lot, he realized he was the common denominator in all his relationship failures. The key to resolving this inner conflict begins with awareness. Notice when you're trading authentic self-expression for connection or approval. Pay attention to the strategies you've developed—perhaps you're a peacemaker who avoids speaking up, a people-pleaser who puts others' needs first, or someone who uses charm to deflect deeper conversations. These strategies served you once, but they may now be creating distance rather than fostering genuine connection. Next, look for the "two shitty choices" trap. Many people feel stuck between options like "speak up and risk rejection" or "stay silent and maintain the status quo." The way out is what Gaddis calls "Choice C"—embracing conflict as the path to both authenticity and connection. Through conflict, we create the possibility of being our True Self while still maintaining meaningful relationships. Remember that this journey isn't about perfection but practice. Each time you choose authenticity over strategy in a moment of potential conflict, you strengthen your connection to yourself and create space for more genuine relationships with others.

Chapter 2: Master the Art of Self-Regulation

Self-regulation is the essential skill that allows you to stay present during conflict rather than becoming reactive or shutting down. When we feel threatened in relationships, our brain's "scared animal" takes over—the primitive part responsible for fight, flight, or freeze responses. Learning to recognize and manage this reaction is crucial for working through disagreements effectively. Consider Ted, who would immediately become defensive whenever his wife mentioned finances. His heart would race, his jaw would tighten, and he'd either attack with accusations or completely shut down. This pattern had created years of unresolved tension in their marriage. The problem wasn't that Ted and his wife disagreed about money—it was that Ted couldn't stay present enough to have a productive conversation about it. Through practice, Ted learned to recognize his body's signals when he was becoming triggered. He developed what Gaddis calls the "NESTR" meditation—a simple practice for being with uncomfortable emotions during conflict. The acronym stands for: Number (rating your trigger level from 0-10), Emotion (identifying what you're feeling), Sensation (noticing physical responses), Thoughts (observing your mental narrative), and Resource (finding a grounded place within yourself). When Ted felt his defenses rising during money conversations, he would pause and say, "I'm noticing I'm triggered at about a seven right now. I feel anxious and defensive. My chest is tight, and I'm thinking you're blaming me for our financial problems. I'm going to take a few deep breaths and feel my feet on the ground." This simple practice helped him stay in what Gaddis calls the "front seat" of his brain—the rational, reflective part—rather than letting his "scared animal" drive the conversation. Self-regulation isn't about suppressing emotions but about increasing your "emotional discomfort threshold"—your capacity to be with difficult feelings without reacting. This skill develops through practice, and the payoff is tremendous. When you can stay present with your own reactions, you create space to really hear the other person and respond thoughtfully rather than reactively. Sometimes self-regulation requires hitting the pause button—taking a brief break to collect yourself before continuing a difficult conversation. The key is to be clear that you're pausing, not avoiding, and to set a specific time to return to the discussion. This isn't running away but stepping back to ensure you can bring your best self to the resolution process.

Chapter 3: Learn to Listen Until They Feel Understood

Effective listening is perhaps the most powerful tool for resolving conflict, yet most of us are terrible at it. We listen to respond, to defend, or to fix—not to understand. True listening means staying curious about the other person's experience until they genuinely feel heard. Early in his relationship with his wife, Gaddis thought he was a good listener. After all, he had a master's degree in psychology and worked as a therapist. Yet their arguments would often go nowhere because he was more focused on proving he understood than on actually understanding. A breakthrough came when he created a simple rule: "I don't understand her until she says she feels understood." This shifted his entire approach. From this insight, Gaddis developed the LUFU method—Listen Until they Feel Understood. The process begins with genuine curiosity. Instead of waiting for your turn to speak or formulating your rebuttal, maintain active interest in what the other person is saying and experiencing. Next comes reflective listening, where you mirror back what you've heard: "It sounds like..." or "What I'm getting is..." Then, ask same-page questions to confirm your understanding: "Is that right?" or "Am I following you?" Katrina and Marcus had been arguing about housework for months. During a particularly heated moment, Marcus decided to try the LUFU approach. Instead of defending himself, he reflected back: "It sounds like you're frustrated because you feel like you're carrying more of the household responsibilities, and when I don't notice things that need doing, you feel unseen and unsupported. Is that right?" This simple shift changed everything. Katrina, feeling truly heard, was able to soften and engage more constructively in finding solutions. The LUFU method also includes active listening—which sometimes means respectfully interrupting if the speaker goes on too long, not to defend yourself but to ensure you're still tracking their message. Other elements include showing empathy by imagining yourself in their position, validating their experience with phrases like "that makes sense," and taking ownership of your part in the conflict. The process concludes with completion questions like "Is there anything else you want me to understand?" and "Do you feel understood for now?" Only when they confirm that they feel heard should you transition to sharing your perspective. This approach may feel counterintuitive at first, especially when you're eager to defend yourself, but it creates the foundation for genuine resolution.

Chapter 4: Speak with Honesty and Ownership

Once you've deeply listened to the other person, it's time to express your perspective in a way that fosters connection rather than defensiveness. Gaddis calls this process SHORE: Speak Honestly with Ownership to Repair Empathetically. The goal isn't just to be heard but to create shared understanding. Marcus had finally mastered listening to Katrina about their housework conflicts. Now it was his turn to speak. Rather than launching into excuses or counterattacks, he started by setting context: "I want to share my perspective so we can find a solution that works for both of us." He then owned his part: "I realize I've been distracted with work and haven't been noticing what needs to be done around the house." Before diving into his frustrations, Marcus empathized with Katrina's experience: "I can see how my lack of initiative puts more burden on you and makes you feel unsupported." He validated her feelings: "Your frustration makes complete sense given how hard you work both at your job and at home." Only then did he share the impact on him: "When you point out everything I'm not doing right after I walk in the door, I feel defeated before I've had a chance to help." This approach completely changed their dynamic. Because Marcus had first listened and then spoken with ownership rather than blame, Katrina could hear his perspective without becoming defensive. He concluded with a reasonable request: "Would it work if we had a quick check-in after dinner about what needs doing, rather than right when I get home?" This led to a collaborative solution rather than another argument. When speaking during conflict, be mindful of nonverbal communication—your tone, facial expressions, and body language often speak louder than words. Maintain eye contact when possible, as this helps deescalate tension. Consider physical proximity too; sometimes moving closer (with a non-threatening demeanor) signals your desire to reconnect. After expressing your perspective and making any requests, share what you've learned from the conflict: "This has helped me see how important household equity is to you, and I want to be a better partner." Finally, collaborate on next steps or agreements that will prevent similar conflicts in the future. Remember that effective speaking isn't about winning or being right—it's about creating a bridge of understanding that allows both of you to feel seen and valued.

Chapter 5: Create Clear Agreements for Future Conflicts

While developing listening and speaking skills is essential, creating clear agreements about how you'll handle future conflicts takes your relationship to another level. These proactive conversations establish guardrails that help both parties feel secure even in the midst of disagreement. Rachel and Omar had been dating for two years and found themselves caught in the same painful cycle whenever conflicts arose. Omar would withdraw and need space, while Rachel would pursue and demand immediate resolution. Without clear agreements about how to handle these different needs, their pattern created more hurt and misunderstanding. During a calm moment, they decided to establish some agreements about conflict. First, they agreed that taking space was acceptable, but the person needing space would always specify when they would return to the conversation. Second, they agreed that the most resourced person would lead—meaning whoever was feeling more centered would initiate repair. Third, they committed to speaking with care and respect even when upset, avoiding threats or name-calling. These agreements created a framework that allowed them to navigate disagreements more skillfully. When Omar needed space during their next argument, instead of just walking away, he said, "I need some time to think. Can we continue this conversation in an hour?" This simple shift helped Rachel feel secure rather than abandoned, and when they resumed talking, both were calmer and more open to understanding each other. Effective agreements should be clear, specific, and mutual. They might include commitments like: "I agree to own my part in conflicts rather than just blaming you," "I agree not to bring up past issues during current disagreements," or "I agree not to make threats of leaving during arguments." Other helpful agreements include not discussing sensitive topics over text or email (where tone and meaning are easily misinterpreted) and committing to repair after conflicts rather than letting resentments build. The process of creating these agreements can itself bring up differences, but working through them strengthens your relationship foundation. Remember that agreements aren't rigid rules meant to control each other—they're collaborative commitments that create safety and predictability during stressful times. For high-stakes relationships like marriages or business partnerships, having these agreements in place before major conflicts arise can prevent small disagreements from escalating into relationship-threatening events.

Chapter 6: Align Values for Stronger Relationships

Value differences often fuel our most challenging conflicts. When we clash over parenting styles, political beliefs, or approaches to money, we're not just disagreeing about behaviors but about deeply held principles that shape our identities. Learning to navigate these differences is essential for lasting relationships. David and Elisa found themselves in perpetual conflict over parenting their two children. David valued structure, consistency, and achievement, while Elisa prioritized creativity, emotional expression, and spontaneity. Neither approach was wrong, but their different values created regular tension that threatened their marriage. When they first sought help, both were trying to convert the other to their perspective. David thought if Elisa would just enforce more rules and routines, their family would function better. Elisa believed if David would relax and be more playful, everyone would be happier. Their conflict wasn't about specific incidents but about core values that neither was willing to compromise. The breakthrough came when they stopped trying to change each other and instead looked for alignment. They drew what Gaddis calls a "shared compass"—identifying where their values overlapped and where they differed. They discovered they both deeply valued their children's long-term happiness and well-being, even if they had different ideas about how to achieve it. Next, they explored how their differences might actually benefit their family. David's structure provided security and helped the children develop discipline, while Elisa's spontaneity fostered creativity and emotional intelligence. Rather than seeing these differences as obstacles, they began to appreciate them as complementary strengths that gave their children a more balanced upbringing than either approach alone. To resolve value conflicts, start by clearly identifying your own values and those of the other person. Accept that differences will exist—no two people value exactly the same things in exactly the same way. Find your shared values and write them down, as these form the foundation for collaboration. Then ask key questions together: Why are we in this relationship? What are we creating? Where are we going? How will we get there? The final step is to see how your differences serve the relationship rather than hinder it. This doesn't mean abandoning your values but finding ways they can work together harmoniously. Sometimes this requires compromise, not of your core values but of how rigidly you hold to them in every situation. When value conflicts seem irreconcilable, determine whether they're truly deal-breakers or if you can create enough space for both perspectives to exist within your relationship.

Summary

The journey from conflict to connection isn't about eliminating disagreements but transforming how we navigate them. By understanding our inner conflicts, regulating our emotional responses, listening deeply, speaking honestly, creating clear agreements, and aligning our values, we build relationships that are resilient enough to withstand life's inevitable storms. As Gaddis reminds us, "The crux of good, strong, long-lasting relationships is not the absence of conflict but the ability and willingness to work through it." Begin today by choosing one relationship where conflict has created distance. Rather than avoiding the discomfort or blaming the other person, approach the situation with curiosity and a willingness to understand. Remember that getting to zero—that place of genuine connection after conflict—requires both courage and skill. The tools are in your hands; now is the time to use them.

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Jayson Gaddis

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