Good Inside

Good Inside Plot Summary

Introduction

Parenting often feels like navigating uncharted waters without a compass. One moment, your child is laughing and playing; the next, they're throwing a tantrum because you cut their sandwich the "wrong way." In these challenging moments, you might find yourself wondering: Am I doing this right? Why won't my child listen? How can I stop feeling like I'm failing at the most important job in the world? These questions reveal the heart of what makes parenting so challenging—the gap between the parent we aspire to be and the reality of our daily interactions with our children. The good news is that this gap can be bridged through understanding that both you and your child are fundamentally good inside. By focusing on connection rather than correction, by seeing behavior as a window into your child's emotional world rather than something to be controlled, you can transform your relationship with your child and help them develop the resilience they need to thrive. This approach isn't about being perfect—it's about being present, understanding, and willing to repair when things go wrong.

Chapter 1: Recognize Your Child's Inner Goodness

At the core of transformative parenting lies a profound truth: your child is good inside. This isn't just a feel-good statement—it's a fundamental shift in how we perceive our children's behavior. When we operate from the assumption that children are inherently good, we can see their challenging behaviors not as manipulation or defiance, but as expressions of unmet needs, big feelings, or developmental struggles. Dr. Kennedy shares the story of Sonia, who came to her office exasperated about her son Felix's apparent disrespect. "My son Felix ignores everything I say and doesn't do anything I ask him to do," Sonia explained. "He has no respect, so of course I end up yelling. What else can I do?" This scenario is familiar to many parents—the frustration of feeling unheard and disrespected by your child, leading to reactions that don't align with the parent you want to be. Dr. Kennedy helped Sonia reframe her understanding of Felix's behavior. Rather than seeing his actions as disrespect, she encouraged Sonia to view them as communication: Felix was struggling with something internally, and his behavior was a window into that struggle. With this perspective shift, Sonia could approach Felix with curiosity instead of judgment, wondering what feelings or needs might be driving his behavior. This approach requires us to distinguish between a person (your child) and their behavior. Your child might grab toys from his sister, but that doesn't make him selfish—it might indicate insecurity about having a new sibling. Your teenager might slam doors and speak rudely, but that doesn't make her disrespectful—it might signal feeling unheard or overwhelmed. When we separate behavior from identity, we can address the behavior while preserving our connection with our child. To practice this principle, start by catching yourself when you assign negative labels to your child based on their behavior. Instead of thinking, "He's so stubborn," try "He's having a hard time being flexible right now." When your child misbehaves, take a breath and remind yourself: "This is a good kid having a hard time." Then approach with curiosity: "I wonder what's going on for them right now?" This simple mental shift allows you to respond with empathy rather than anger. Remember, seeing your child as good inside doesn't mean excusing bad behavior. In fact, it allows you to hold firm boundaries while maintaining connection. When you believe in your child's inherent goodness, you can confidently guide them toward better choices because you trust they are capable of growth. This foundation of trust is what makes children feel safe, helps them find calm, and ultimately leads to the development of emotional regulation and resilience.

Chapter 2: Embrace the 'Two Things Are True' Principle

The "two things are true" principle is a powerful mental framework that transforms how we approach parenting challenges. Instead of seeing situations as either/or propositions, this principle encourages us to hold multiple realities simultaneously: you can be firm and warm, set boundaries and validate feelings, be the authority and be empathetic. Sara, a mother of two boys, came to Dr. Kennedy feeling frustrated and resentful. She explained that she was always the one enforcing rules and disciplining the children, which left no room for fun or connection. "I wish I could be silly," she confessed, "but someone has to enforce rules and make things happen." Sara was caught in an either/or mindset—believing she could either be the fun parent or the responsible one, but not both. Dr. Kennedy helped Sara understand that these weren't opposing choices. Sara could be both the boundary-setter and the playful parent. She could make decisions her children didn't like while still empathizing with their disappointment. This shift in thinking—embracing that two seemingly contradictory things can be true at once—relieved Sara of the burden of having to choose between connection and authority. To apply this principle in your own parenting, start by recognizing when you're caught in an either/or mindset. Perhaps you think, "I can either let my child express their anger or I can teach them respect," or "I can either be firm about bedtime or I can be understanding about their fear of the dark." When you notice these thoughts, pause and reframe them: "I can acknowledge my child's anger AND teach them respectful ways to express it," or "I can be firm about bedtime AND validate my child's fears." The "two things are true" approach is particularly helpful during conflicts. When your child protests a decision you've made, try saying: "Two things are true: I understand you're disappointed AND my decision remains the same." This validates their feelings without changing your boundary. Or when your child is rude to you, you might say: "I won't allow that tone AND I can see you must be really upset to speak to me that way." Remember that embracing multiple truths isn't just about what you say—it's about your internal mindset. When you can hold space for both your authority and your child's experience, you create an environment where your child feels seen and heard, even when they don't get their way. This builds their emotional intelligence and teaches them that feelings don't have to be either/or—they can experience disappointment AND acceptance, frustration AND love, all at the same time.

Chapter 3: Know Your Job as a Parent

Understanding your role as a parent brings clarity to the often confusing landscape of raising children. Your primary job isn't to make your child happy or to ensure they always behave perfectly—it's to establish safety through boundaries, validation, and empathy. When parents and children understand their respective roles in the family system, everyone can function more effectively. Dr. Kennedy shares the story of a mother working with her son on a puzzle. The son was struggling to place a piece correctly, and his mother, feeling frustrated, said, "That one won't work yet. Don't you see, it doesn't fit! They're not even the same color!" The boy looked at his mother, threw the puzzle piece, and exclaimed, "I'm so bad at puzzles! I hate them!" This interaction highlights what happens when parents misunderstand their job—instead of supporting her son through frustration, the mother took over the problem-solving role, leaving her son feeling incompetent. The mother's job wasn't to solve the puzzle or prevent her son from experiencing frustration. Her job was to provide a safe container for his emotions and help him develop resilience. A more effective approach might have been to say, "Puzzles can be tricky sometimes. I notice you're working really hard on finding where that piece goes," thus validating his experience and encouraging his efforts without taking over. To understand your job as a parent, remember that boundaries are not what you tell kids not to do; boundaries are what you tell kids you will do. Instead of saying, "Stop throwing toys!" (which asks your child to regulate an impulse they may not be able to control), say, "I won't let you throw toys," and then physically prevent the throwing if necessary. This approach embodies your authority as a parent and doesn't require your child to do something they may not be developmentally ready to do. Your job also includes validation and empathy. Validation means seeing your child's emotional experience as real and true, even when it seems disproportionate to you. Empathy means trying to understand and connect with those feelings. Together, these practices help your child develop emotional regulation skills. For example, when your child is upset about a broken toy, validation might sound like, "You're really sad about your toy breaking," and empathy might be, "It's hard when something we love gets broken." Remember that your child's job in the family system is to explore and learn through experiencing and expressing their emotions. When you stay in your lane—setting boundaries, validating feelings, and providing empathy—you create space for your child to stay in theirs. This clarity of roles leads to a more peaceful home and helps your child develop the emotional skills they need for life.

Chapter 4: Build Connection Before Correction

The principle of building connection before correction represents a fundamental shift in how we approach behavioral challenges with our children. Rather than immediately jumping to discipline or consequences when a child misbehaves, this approach emphasizes first establishing emotional connection, which creates the psychological safety necessary for learning and growth. Adeze, a young girl doing homework with her mother Imani nearby, provides a telling example. When Adeze broke her pencil tip, she whined dramatically, "I need a sharp pencillllll! Can you get me one?!?!" Imani felt herself about to explode with frustration at her daughter's tone. This moment—a child whining and a parent feeling triggered—is a common flashpoint in parent-child relationships. Dr. Kennedy explains that beneath Adeze's whining was a combination of feeling helpless and wanting connection. Imani was distracted with emails and caring for Adeze's younger brother, and Adeze's whining was partly a bid for her mother's attention. Rather than immediately correcting the whining behavior, Imani needed to first address the underlying need for connection. When Imani recognized this dynamic, she tried a different approach. She put her phone down, made eye contact with Adeze, and playfully said, "How did that whine get in here? I can't believe it snuck in, we must have left the door open!" She pretended to throw the "whines" out the window, creating a moment of connection through humor. Only after establishing this connection did she address the actual request for a pencil. To build connection before correction in your own parenting, start by implementing what Dr. Kennedy calls "Play No Phone (PNP) Time"—10-15 minutes of undistracted, child-led play where you put your phone away and fully engage with your child. This builds what she terms "connection capital"—a reserve of positive feelings that strengthens your relationship and makes your child more receptive to guidance when challenges arise. Another powerful connection-building strategy is the "Fill-Up Game," where you physically and emotionally "fill up" your child with your presence. When your child is being difficult, instead of reacting negatively, say, "I think you're trying to tell me that you're not filled up with Mommy/Daddy." Then give them big hugs and squeezes until they feel "filled up" with your love and attention. Remember that connection doesn't mean permissiveness. You can still set firm boundaries and have high expectations—but when these are delivered within the context of a strong connection, children are much more likely to cooperate and learn from their mistakes. By prioritizing connection before correction, you're not just solving an immediate behavioral issue; you're building your child's capacity for emotional regulation and resilience over the long term.

Chapter 5: Reduce Shame, Increase Connection

Shame is a powerful emotion that can derail a child's development and damage the parent-child relationship. Unlike guilt, which relates to a specific action ("I did something bad"), shame relates to identity ("I am bad"). Understanding how shame operates in your child—and how to reduce it—is crucial for fostering healthy emotional development. Dr. Kennedy describes working with a mother whose daughter refused to apologize after hiding her sister's favorite lovie (comfort object). Despite the sister's tears, the girl wouldn't admit what she'd done or say sorry. The mother was frustrated and concerned about her daughter's apparent lack of empathy. But Dr. Kennedy recognized this not as defiance or coldness, but as shame—the girl was so overwhelmed by feeling "bad" that she froze, unable to face her actions. When children are flooded with shame, they often appear stubborn, distant, or unremorseful—precisely when they're actually feeling most vulnerable. The girl who hid her sister's lovie wasn't lacking empathy; she was so consumed by shame that she couldn't access her natural empathy. Her refusal to apologize was a protective mechanism, not a character flaw. To reduce shame in your children, first learn to detect it. Watch for signs like emotional shutdown, refusal to make eye contact, denial despite clear evidence, or physical freezing. When you notice these signs, resist the urge to increase pressure ("Say you're sorry right now!"), which only intensifies shame. Instead, try taking the pressure off completely. Dr. Kennedy suggests an approach that might seem counterintuitive: "Hmm... it's hard to find your 'I'm sorry' voice. I have times like that too. I'll use it for you before you find it again." Then, model the apology yourself: "I'm sorry I took your lovie. I know that was upsetting. Is there anything I can do to make it better?" This removes the shame-inducing spotlight from your child while still addressing the situation. Another effective strategy is to normalize mistakes and repair. Share stories about times when you've made mistakes and how you've worked to make things right. This helps children understand that making mistakes doesn't make them bad people—it makes them human. Remember that shame reduction isn't about letting children off the hook for their actions; it's about creating an emotional environment where they can learn from their mistakes without feeling fundamentally flawed. When children feel secure in their inherent goodness, they're more able to take responsibility for their actions, develop empathy, and make amends when they've hurt others. By focusing on reducing shame and increasing connection, you help your child develop a healthy sense of self that can weather mistakes and failures without crumbling under the weight of feeling "bad inside." This resilience is essential for their emotional well-being and their ability to form healthy relationships throughout life.

Chapter 6: Tell the Truth with Compassion

Telling the truth to our children—especially about difficult topics—can feel daunting. Parents often worry that certain truths might be too scary or overwhelming for their children to handle. However, Dr. Kennedy argues that it's not information that scares children, but rather feeling confused and alone in the absence of information. Four-year-old Kiki and her seven-year-old brother, Lex, were visiting their grandparents. When they arrived, Kiki's grandfather hugged Lex and then approached Kiki. She ran away, saying, "No hugs!" Her grandfather pursued her, saying, "I haven't seen you in months! Give your grandpa a hug! It'll make me so sad if you don't." Kiki's mother, Tasha, felt caught between her father's hurt feelings and her daughter's clear discomfort. This scenario highlights the importance of telling the truth about body sovereignty—that children have the right to decide who touches them and when. Rather than forcing Kiki to hug her grandfather to avoid hurting his feelings, Tasha needed to tell the truth: that Kiki's body belongs to her, and she gets to decide who hugs her. When Tasha embraced this principle, she said to Kiki: "You don't want to hug Grandpa, huh? That's okay. You're the only one in your body, so you're the only one who could know what feels right to you." Then she addressed her father: "It's really important to me that my kids know they're in charge of their bodies. I know you might disagree with how I am parenting in this moment—that's fine. But please don't send her mixed messages about it." To tell the truth with compassion in your own parenting, start by confirming your child's perceptions. When children notice changes in their environment—like tension between parents or a relative's illness—acknowledge what they've observed: "You're right, Dad and I were arguing earlier. You were right to notice that." This validates their experience and builds their trust in their own perceptions. When children ask difficult questions, honor their curiosity rather than deflecting. If your child asks about death or where babies come from, remember that their question indicates they're ready for some level of answer. Provide simple, age-appropriate information, and then pause to see if they have follow-up questions. For situations where you don't have all the answers, use the formula "Here's what I don't know and here's what I do know." For example: "I don't know if Grandma will get better from her cancer. What I do know is that I will tell you the truth, even when it's uncomfortable, and that I am here for you with all the feelings you have about this." Remember that how you communicate truth matters as much as what you say. Your calm presence, willingness to listen, and openness to your child's questions create safety that helps them process difficult information. By telling the truth with compassion, you build your child's resilience and their capacity to face life's challenges with courage and clarity.

Chapter 7: Practice Self-Care to Parent Better

Self-care isn't a luxury for parents—it's a necessity that directly impacts your ability to show up as the parent you want to be. When you're depleted, overwhelmed, or running on empty, it becomes nearly impossible to respond to your children with patience, presence, and compassion. Dr. Kennedy shares the story of a mother named Orly and her three-year-old son, Ezra. One morning, Ezra demanded ice cream for breakfast. When Orly gently declined and offered a waffle instead, Ezra threw himself on the floor, crying and screaming for ice cream. In this moment, Orly needed to draw on her reserves of patience and calm—but those reserves are quickly depleted when parents don't prioritize their own well-being. For Orly to handle this tantrum effectively, she needed to first ground herself. Dr. Kennedy advised her to take a deep breath and remind herself: "My job is to keep my body calm and my child safe... not to end the tantrum." This self-talk helped Orly shift from seeing her son as giving her a hard time to seeing him as having a hard time. Self-care begins with acknowledging that taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's essential for effective parenting. Dr. Kennedy suggests several practical strategies, starting with deep breathing. When you feel yourself becoming triggered by your child's behavior, place your hand on your heart, take slow deep breaths, and tell yourself: "I am safe. I can get through this." Another powerful practice is what Dr. Kennedy calls "acknowledge, validate, permit" (AVP). When difficult feelings arise, acknowledge them ("I'm noticing I feel really frustrated right now"), validate them ("It makes sense I feel this way after being interrupted twenty times while trying to work"), and permit them to be there ("It's okay to feel frustrated; I don't need to push this feeling away"). Learning to tolerate distress—both your own and your children's—is another crucial aspect of self-care. Many parents rush to "fix" their children's negative emotions because they find these emotions unbearable. By practicing self-care, you build your capacity to sit with discomfort, which allows you to be present for your child during their difficult moments without needing to make their feelings go away. Dr. Kennedy also emphasizes the importance of doing at least one thing for yourself each day, no matter how small. This might be drinking your coffee while it's still hot, reading a few pages of a book, or taking five minutes to meditate. These small acts of self-care help rebuild your emotional reserves so you can parent from a place of fullness rather than depletion. Remember that self-care also includes being gentle with yourself when you make mistakes. When you yell or react in ways you later regret, practice self-compassion: "I am not my latest behavior. I am a good parent having a hard time." This self-forgiveness models for your children that mistakes are part of being human and that repair is always possible.

Summary

The journey through parenting is not about perfection but about connection, understanding, and growth. As Dr. Kennedy powerfully states, "You are a good person who has done not-so-good things. You are still a good person. You are good inside, you have always been good inside, you will remain good inside." This truth applies equally to you and your child, forming the foundation for a relationship built on mutual respect and compassion. The principles explored throughout this book—recognizing your child's inner goodness, embracing that two things can be true simultaneously, knowing your job as a parent, building connection before correction, reducing shame, telling the truth with compassion, and practicing self-care—all work together to create an environment where both you and your child can thrive. By focusing on connection rather than control, you help your child develop the emotional regulation skills they need to navigate life's challenges with resilience and confidence. Today, take one small step toward implementing these principles. Perhaps start with a 10-minute session of undistracted play with your child, or practice taking three deep breaths before responding to a challenging behavior. Remember that change happens gradually, and every small shift in your approach contributes to your child's sense of safety and belonging. As you embrace your own goodness and recognize the goodness in your child, you create the conditions for genuine growth and transformation in your relationship.

About Author

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Becky Kennedy

Dr. Becky Kennedy, PhD is a clinical psychologist, mother of three, and founder of the breakthrough global parenting community, Good Inside.

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