He Comes Next

He Comes Next Plot Summary

Introduction

Intimacy and sexual connection are among the most profound ways humans experience bonding and pleasure, yet they remain shrouded in mystery and often weighed down by anxiety, inhibition, and miscommunication. When sexual relationships begin to falter, many couples attribute it to fading attraction or incompatibility, unaware that deeper understanding and intentional approaches could reignite their connection. What if the solution isn't finding a new partner or accepting a diminished intimate life, but rather developing mastery in the art of pleasurable connection? The pages that follow explore transformative principles that have helped countless couples rediscover not just physical satisfaction, but a deeper emotional bond through intentional intimacy. Whether you're looking to overcome specific challenges or simply enhance an already good connection, these approaches will guide you toward creating sustainable desire, anticipation, and fulfillment that evolves rather than diminishes over time.

Chapter 1: Understand His Sexual Landscape

Understanding a man's sexual landscape requires looking beyond physical mechanics to grasp the psychological and emotional terrain that shapes his desires and responses. This isn't about technical mastery but about comprehending the internal world that influences how he experiences intimacy. The male sexual experience often involves a complex interplay between vulnerability, performance concerns, and deep emotional needs that may go unexpressed. Consider the case of Michael and Sarah, who sought help after ten years of marriage. Sarah complained that Michael seemed increasingly disinterested in sex, initiating less frequently and appearing disconnected during their intimate moments. Initial conversations suggested the typical narrative of a husband losing interest, but deeper exploration revealed something unexpected. Michael confessed that he felt tremendous pressure to perform and please Sarah, worrying constantly about whether he was "good enough." This performance anxiety had created a cycle where he avoided intimacy rather than risk disappointing her. What transformed their situation wasn't Sarah learning new techniques, but rather her understanding of what was happening in Michael's inner world. When she recognized his vulnerability and fear of inadequacy, she changed her approach. Instead of focusing on outcomes, she created space for connection without pressure, sometimes simply enjoying physical closeness without expectations of intercourse or orgasm. To recreate this understanding with your partner, begin by having conversations outside the bedroom about his feelings around sex. Ask open-ended questions about what makes him feel most connected, what concerns might arise during intimacy, and what experiences have been particularly meaningful. Listen without judgment, recognizing that vulnerability around sexual matters is difficult for most men. Pay attention to non-verbal cues during intimacy that might signal anxiety, such as tension in his body, difficulty maintaining eye contact, or rushing through foreplay. When you notice these signs, slow down and reassure him through your presence and acceptance rather than questioning or expressing disappointment. Remember that understanding his sexual landscape isn't a one-time exploration but an ongoing journey. Men's relationship with their sexuality evolves through different life stages, stressors, and health conditions. Maintaining curiosity and compassion creates space for authentic connection that transcends performance and embraces the whole person.

Chapter 2: Create Desire Through Strategic Anticipation

Creating desire through strategic anticipation means understanding that passion flourishes in the space between wanting and having. This approach recognizes that constant availability and predictable patterns eventually diminish excitement, while thoughtfully created tension builds intense longing. The art lies in cultivating anticipation that heightens awareness and makes eventual connection more satisfying. James and Elena came to therapy complaining of "comfortable but boring" intimacy after seven years together. They described their pattern: sex occurred exclusively on weekend nights, followed the same sequence of kisses, touches, and positions, and while physically satisfying, felt increasingly routine. The spontaneity and excitement they once experienced had disappeared, replaced by what James called "scheduled maintenance." Both worried this indicated fading attraction, though they still loved each other deeply. Their transformation began when Elena started experimenting with anticipation. Rather than waiting for their typical weekend encounter, she sent James a text midweek describing something she wanted to do with him—but not immediately. She followed with occasional suggestive messages or touches throughout the week, never leading directly to sex but building awareness and tension. James described feeling constantly aware of Elena in a way he hadn't for years, thinking about her throughout his workday. To implement strategic anticipation in your relationship, start by creating unpredictability. Vary when and how you initiate intimacy rather than falling into patterns. Incorporate teasing elements that promise but delay fulfillment—a lingering kiss before leaving for work, a suggestive message that won't be fulfilled until hours later, or physically arousing touch that's deliberately paused. Experiment with sensory anticipation by engaging senses beyond touch. Share fantasies through whispered descriptions, create playlists that signal intimate intentions, or use scents that become associated with pleasure. These cues activate desire through association and memory. Be careful not to confuse anticipation with frustration. The goal isn't to withhold connection but to create pleasurable tension that enhances eventual fulfillment. Pay attention to your partner's responses and adjust accordingly, remembering that effective anticipation is customized to individual desires and boundaries. The most powerful aspect of strategic anticipation is how it extends sexuality beyond isolated encounters into a continuous dimension of your relationship, creating an ongoing current of awareness and desire that enriches your connection even during non-intimate moments.

Chapter 3: Master the Art of Rhythmic Stimulation

Mastering rhythmic stimulation involves understanding that pleasure often comes less from technique variety than from finding and maintaining the right patterns of touch, pressure, and pacing. This principle applies both physically and emotionally, creating harmonious connection through attunement rather than performance. When partners synchronize their rhythms, they create resonance that amplifies sensation and intimacy. Thomas and Leila sought help when their once-passionate relationship became fraught with frustration during intimate moments. Leila described Thomas as "always changing what he's doing just when it starts feeling good," while Thomas felt confused by what seemed like contradictory feedback. The disconnect was causing both to feel inadequate and misunderstood, creating tension that undermined their connection. Their breakthrough came during a guided conversation about rhythm. Leila realized she needed consistent, predictable patterns to build arousal, while Thomas had misinterpreted general encouragement ("that feels good") as a signal to intensify or change his approach. They practiced non-sexual touch exercises focusing on maintaining consistent rhythm, with Leila providing clear feedback about when consistency was needed versus when variation was welcome. To develop your rhythmic attunement, start by establishing clearer communication. Create simple ways for partners to signal "continue exactly like this" versus "change something." This might be as straightforward as saying "stay" or applying gentle pressure to maintain a touch pattern. Practice maintaining consistent rhythm even when excitement builds, which is when many partners unconsciously speed up or change pressure. Explore the concept of rhythmic building, where patterns remain consistent while gradually intensifying other elements like pressure or breadth. This allows arousal to build without disrupting the rhythm that's creating pleasure. Pay particular attention to transitions between activities, maintaining contact and rhythm rather than creating stops and starts. Remember that emotional rhythms matter as much as physical ones. Create consistent patterns of attention, presence, and response that build security and connection. Regular moments of focused attention outside the bedroom establish rhythms of care that enhance physical intimacy. The ultimate goal isn't mechanical precision but attunement—the ability to find and maintain the rhythms that resonate with your particular partner in that particular moment. This requires presence, attention, and willingness to prioritize connection over performance, creating harmonious experiences that feel natural rather than choreographed.

Chapter 4: Break Routines with Playful Experimentation

Breaking routines through playful experimentation means introducing novelty and spontaneity not as performance pressure but as shared exploration and discovery. This approach transforms intimacy from a predictable script into an adventure, rekindling curiosity and engagement. The focus shifts from outcomes to experience, freeing both partners to express themselves more authentically. Rachel and Daniel, married fourteen years, described their intimate life as "efficient but uninspiring." Their encounters followed such a predictable pattern that Rachel admitted she sometimes found her mind wandering to household tasks during sex. Daniel confessed feeling like they were "just going through the motions," though neither wanted to hurt the other by suggesting changes. Both worried this meant their attraction was permanently diminished. Their relationship transformed when they introduced the "intimacy jar" exercise. Each wrote several playful suggestions on slips of paper—ranging from new positions to different locations, role-playing scenarios to sensory experiences like blindfolding. They agreed to randomly select from the jar weekly, approaching each suggestion with openness and humor rather than pressure to perform perfectly. Rachel described laughing together when a position proved physically awkward, something that would have felt mortifying before but now created connection. To incorporate playful experimentation in your relationship, start by establishing psychological safety. Agree that suggestions and attempts can be declined without judgment, and that imperfect or even unsuccessful experiments are valuable for the connection they create rather than the pleasure they produce. This removes performance pressure and creates space for authentic exploration. Create structured opportunities for novelty through games, prompts, or taking turns leading experiences. Simple frameworks like "three things you'd enjoy trying" or themed encounters (focused on particular sensations or body areas) provide direction without overwhelming. Remember that experimentation needn't be exotic—even small variations in timing, location, or focus can break patterns effectively. Pay attention to how you respond to each other's vulnerability during experimentation. Enthusiasm, appreciation, and attentive presence matter more than technical success. Notice which elements from experiments might be incorporated into your regular intimacy, while being careful not to create new rigid routines. The true power of playful experimentation isn't in the specific activities but in cultivating a relationship atmosphere where curiosity, adaptability, and shared discovery remain alive. This mindset transforms intimacy from a fading resource into a renewable one, constantly refreshed through mutual exploration.

Chapter 5: Build Trust Through Emotional Presence

Building trust through emotional presence means creating an environment where partners feel genuinely seen, heard, and accepted during intimate moments. This principle recognizes that physical vulnerability requires emotional safety, and that attentiveness to a partner's emotional state enhances connection far beyond technical skill. True presence transforms encounters from performance into authentic sharing. Marcus and Olivia sought help for what they described as a "mechanical" intimate life that left both feeling disconnected despite regular physical relations. During discussions, Olivia revealed feeling that Marcus was "physically there but mentally elsewhere" during sex. Marcus admitted he often focused so intently on performance that he barely registered Olivia's responses. Though physically close, they experienced profound emotional distance during intimacy. Their relationship began changing when they practiced the "eye gazing" exercise, maintaining eye contact during intimate moments without speaking. Initially uncomfortable, Marcus found this practice transformed his awareness of Olivia's expressions and responses. Olivia described feeling truly "seen" for the first time in years. This simple practice of presence created space for vulnerability neither had expressed previously, with Marcus eventually sharing performance anxieties and Olivia revealing insecurities about her desirability. To develop greater emotional presence, start by minimizing distractions during intimate times. This means not just obvious interruptions like phones or television, but also mental distractions like unresolved conflicts or work stress. Create transition rituals that help both partners shift into a more present mindset, such as brief meditation, shared bathing, or simply a few minutes of focused conversation. Practice noticing and responding to subtle emotional cues during intimacy. Expressions, breathing patterns, muscle tension, and small sounds communicate important information about a partner's experience. Develop the habit of checking in without disrupting flow—a questioning look, a whispered "good?" or simply pausing to reestablish connection when engagement seems to diminish. Remember that vulnerability must be met with acceptance. When a partner shares insecurities or desires, respond with appreciation rather than judgment or immediate problem-solving. Create an environment where authentic expression is valued more highly than perfection or performance. The deepest intimacy occurs when both partners feel safe enough to remain emotionally present even during moments of uncertainty or imperfection. This presence creates a foundation of trust that allows exploration, healing, and connection that transcends physical pleasure to become genuinely transformative.

Chapter 6: Embrace the Shaky Bridge of Passion

Embracing the shaky bridge of passion means understanding that sustainable desire thrives on elements of uncertainty, contrast, and managed risk rather than total comfort and security. This principle draws from psychological research showing that excitement and arousal in one context can transfer to and amplify experiences in another. The metaphorical "shaky bridge" creates physiological and emotional states that intensify connection. The concept originated from Dr. Arthur Aron's famous study where participants who encountered an attractive researcher while crossing a frightening suspension bridge were more likely to express attraction than those who met the same person on a stable bridge. This phenomenon applied directly to Lisa and Robert's relationship. After twelve years of marriage, their intimate life had become predictable and infrequent, conducted exclusively in their bedroom under similar circumstances each time. Their transformation began when they participated in a workshop challenging couples to create "controlled adventures" together. They started small, with a somewhat daring encounter in their backyard after dark, and gradually expanded to experiences that involved elements of novelty and mild risk—from hiking to a secluded location to taking a dance class where both felt initially uncomfortable. They noticed these experiences consistently led to more passionate connection afterward, creating an upward spiral of desire and intimacy that carried into their everyday relationship. To incorporate this principle, identify experiences that create mild excitement or nervous anticipation that you can share together. These might be physical activities with elements of thrill, social situations that involve stepping outside comfort zones, or even intellectual explorations that challenge established perspectives. The key is finding experiences that create arousal through novelty or manageable stress rather than genuine threat. Create intentional contrast in your intimate experiences, varying between comfort and excitement, familiarity and novelty, surrender and control. This contrast prevents habituation while honoring the importance of both security and adventure in a balanced relationship. Remember that the "shaky bridge" works because it's exciting but still fundamentally safe—partners must feel secure in their connection even while experiencing elements of uncertainty. Be attentive to individual differences in tolerance for uncertainty and novelty. What feels like an exciting adventure to one partner might trigger genuine anxiety in another. Start with mild variations and build gradually, always maintaining open communication about comfort levels. The ultimate goal isn't thrill-seeking for its own sake, but rather cultivating a relationship that remains neurologically and emotionally engaging over time. By periodically stepping onto shakier bridges together, partners create shared experiences that intensify connection and prevent the habituation that often diminishes desire in long-term relationships.

Chapter 7: Balance Control and Surrender

Balancing control and surrender involves recognizing that sexual fulfillment often comes from the dynamic interplay between taking charge and letting go. This principle acknowledges the powerful psychological aspects of dominance and submission that exist within healthy intimate relationships, creating space for both partners to experience different aspects of their sexuality through exchanging and shifting power dynamics. David and Aisha sought help when their otherwise strong seven-year relationship began experiencing tension around intimacy. David, a high-powered executive, found himself unable to relax and enjoy physical connection, while Aisha felt increasingly frustrated by his apparent disengagement. Through guided conversations, they realized David's professional life required constant control and decision-making, creating a pattern he unconsciously carried into their bedroom. He never experienced the release of surrender, while Aisha rarely felt the satisfaction of taking charge. Their relationship transformed when they began explicitly exchanging control during intimate encounters. They started with simple exercises—one night Aisha would direct their entire experience, while the next time David would take the lead. The change was remarkable. David described feeling "an enormous relief" when surrendering control, while Aisha discovered unexpected confidence and pleasure in directing their intimacy. Rather than diminishing either partner, this exchange enhanced both their experiences. To incorporate this balance in your relationship, start by having open conversations about control preferences. Many people have unexplored desires around both taking charge and surrendering that they've never articulated. Create space to discuss these preferences without judgment, recognizing they may vary depending on mood, stress levels, and other circumstances. Experiment with explicit role exchanges where one partner takes complete responsibility for directing an encounter while the other practices receptive surrender. Establish clear communication signals that allow the receiving partner to provide feedback without disrupting the dynamic. Remember that surrender requires trust—the giving partner must feel confident their boundaries will be respected. Pay attention to habitual patterns in your relationship. Often couples fall into fixed roles based on personality or social expectations rather than authentic desires. Challenge these patterns occasionally, allowing both partners to experience different aspects of themselves and each other. Remember that balancing control and surrender isn't about permanent roles but about fluid exchange that honors both partners' multifaceted needs. The most fulfilling relationships create space for each person to experience both dynamics, recognizing that most individuals have desires for both expressing and receiving, leading and following, acting and being acted upon—all within the context of mutual respect and consent.

Summary

The journey through intentional intimacy reveals a profound truth: sustainable passion isn't accidental but designed through understanding, presence, and courageous exploration. Each principle we've explored contributes to creating relationships where desire deepens rather than diminishes over time. As one couple discovered through their transformation, "The greatest aphrodisiac isn't a new technique or position, but rather the experience of being truly known and accepted while continuing to discover each other." Your path forward begins with a single step: choose one principle from this exploration and implement it this week. Whether creating anticipation through unexpected messages, practicing deeper presence during intimate moments, or embracing a small adventure together, the action itself matters less than your commitment to intentional connection. Remember that meaningful intimacy is never static but constantly evolving—a creative collaboration that reflects your unique relationship and grows richer through conscious attention and care.

About Author

Loading...

Ian Kerner

Ian Kerner is a nationally-recognized sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author of numerous books including the ever-popular She Comes First (Harper Collins). He writes a well known column for CNN and can often be seen on the TODAY Show and the Dr. Oz Show amongst others. He is regularly quoted as an expert in print and online media.Ian is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors (AASECT) and addresses issues that are common to the "American bedroom." He frequently lectures on topics related to human sexuality, with recent appearances at New York University, Yale and Princeton. Ian is the founder of Good in Bed, an online destination that brings together many of the country's leading sex and relationship experts. Ian was born and raised in New York City, where he lives with his wife and two sons.

Read more

Related Books by Ian Kerner

Loading...

She Comes First

Ian Kerner

The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

★★★★½4.5