How to Be an Adult in Relationships

How to Be an Adult in Relationships Plot Summary

Introduction

Love is the possibility of possibilities. Its farthest reach is beyond us, no matter how long we love or how much. Yet all the love in the world will not bring us happiness or make a relationship work without the essential skills that transform attraction into lasting connection. The journey to authentic love requires us to navigate through romance, conflict, and commitment - not as obstacles to avoid, but as thresholds to cross with courage and awareness. At the heart of mindful loving are five fundamental elements that form the foundation of healthy relationships: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing. These "five A's" represent both what we needed as children and what we seek in our adult relationships. When we learn to both give and receive these elements mindfully - without the interference of fear, control, or entitlement - we create the conditions for love to flourish not just in our intimate partnerships but in our connection with the world around us.

Chapter 1: Recognize the Five A's of Love

The five A's of love - attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing - are the essential ingredients that make us feel loved and enable us to love others effectively. Attention means engaged focus, truly seeing and hearing another person. Acceptance embraces someone as they are, without trying to change them. Appreciation acknowledges value and expresses gratitude. Affection conveys warmth through physical touch and emotional connection. Allowing grants freedom to be oneself and pursue one's own path. David Richo illustrates this through the story of Margo and Evan's relationship. Margo initially walked on eggshells around Evan, who interpreted any "no" as rejection due to his past wounds. As Margo developed as an adult, she grew stronger and more compassionate toward Evan's sensitivities. Instead of using accusatory "you" statements about his messiness ("You always make a mess and never clean it up"), she shifted to "I" statements expressing her feelings ("I feel hurt when you make a mess in our home because it makes me feel that I don't matter to you"). This created a holding environment where Evan could hear her without feeling attacked. This transformation allowed Margo to accommodate Evan's fears without pandering to them or feeling diminished. She recognized that his defensiveness stemmed from past hurts, not from malice toward her. By understanding this dynamic, she could respond with compassion rather than frustration, creating space for both of them to grow. To practice the five A's in your own relationships, begin by noticing which elements come naturally to you and which ones feel challenging. When conflicts arise, pause to consider whether you're responding with attention (truly listening), acceptance (not trying to change the other person), appreciation (acknowledging their perspective), affection (maintaining emotional warmth even in disagreement), and allowing (respecting their process and timing). Remember that the five A's aren't just techniques but expressions of mindfulness in relationship. They require us to be present without judgment, fear, or the need to control outcomes. When we offer them consistently, we create an atmosphere where intimacy can flourish and both people feel safe to be vulnerable.

Chapter 2: Heal Your Past Wounds

Our early experiences form the template for our adult relationships. When our childhood needs for the five A's were adequately met, we develop a secure foundation for intimacy. However, when these needs went unfulfilled, we may carry wounds that interfere with our capacity to love and be loved as adults. Healing these wounds is essential for creating healthy relationships. Selene's story illustrates this healing journey. A psychiatrist in her mid-forties with a profound fear of engulfment, Selene had a pattern of distancing herself when relationships became too close. Her partner Jesse, who feared abandonment, would cling tighter in response, creating a painful dynamic. After five years together, Jesse left Selene for someone else. Paradoxically, this triggered Selene's fear of abandonment, making her suddenly want the relationship more than ever. Through therapy and journaling, Selene began to recognize that her reaction wasn't just about Jesse but about unresolved childhood wounds. In her journal, she wrote: "Jesse is no longer only Jesse but also the movie star of my inner drama. He is the latest man I came to, starving and desperate, for a nurturance he proved over and over that he could not give me." She realized her overwhelming feelings of loss connected to her father's abandonment, and that Jesse had become a symbolic figure representing all her unmet childhood needs. To heal your own past wounds, start by acknowledging them without shame. Recognize that childhood yearnings for attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing weren't pathological but developmental. These needs directed your growth in the ways you were meant to develop. The work now is to mourn what you didn't receive and to develop self-nurturing capacities. Practice self-parenting by giving yourself the five A's: Pay attention to your feelings without judgment. Accept yourself as you are, with both strengths and limitations. Appreciate your journey and how far you've come. Show yourself affection through self-care. Allow yourself to live according to your deepest needs and values. This healing process transforms what Richo calls "holes" in our psyche into "portals" - opportunities for growth and self-discovery. By addressing our wounds mindfully, we become capable of authentic intimacy rather than using relationships to compensate for past deficits.

Chapter 3: Build Trust Through Vulnerability

Trust is the foundation upon which intimate relationships are built, yet it cannot exist without vulnerability. Many of us protect ourselves from potential hurt by hiding our true feelings, needs, and fears. However, this self-protection actually prevents the very connection we seek. True intimacy requires the courage to be seen as we really are. James and Jamie's story demonstrates how vulnerability creates the conditions for authentic connection. Both had been looking for love without success through conventional means like dating services and singles bars. James, a cyclist, typically rode hard along the beach without stopping. One day, for no apparent reason, he took an alternative path through a botanical garden. There, he paused to admire a rare cactus bloom that appeared only once a year for a single day. At that exact moment, Jamie, who worked at the garden, bent to appreciate the same flower. Their heads bumped together, and in that unguarded moment of shared wonder, a connection formed that led to a lasting relationship. What made this encounter different from their previous dating attempts was the absence of pretense. Both were simply being themselves, absorbed in genuine appreciation rather than trying to impress. This unplanned vulnerability created the space for authentic connection to occur. To build trust through vulnerability in your relationships, practice what Richo calls "full disclosure." This means sharing your true self, including your limitations and fears. Consider saying something like: "I want so much to love and be loved, but I have to admit that my fears make me fight it tooth and nail once it gets close to happening. I can only be loved by someone flexible enough to allow for such inadequacy." Start small by sharing one feeling or need that feels slightly risky to reveal. Notice your partner's response. Does it create more closeness? Can they hold your vulnerability with care? Gradually increase the level of disclosure as trust builds. Remember that vulnerability isn't weakness but courage. It's the willingness to be seen as you truly are, without the protective armor that keeps others at a distance. When both partners practice this kind of authentic self-revelation, they create a relationship where trust can flourish and deepen over time.

Chapter 4: Navigate Conflicts with Compassion

Conflict is not a sign of relationship failure but a necessary phase in the journey toward deeper intimacy. When handled with compassion and mindfulness, conflicts become opportunities for growth rather than threats to connection. The key is to address issues directly without blame or defensiveness. Richo describes the case of a couple struggling with anger expression. The husband would explode in rage when frustrated, while the wife would withdraw and later use passive-aggressive tactics to express her resentment. In therapy, they learned to distinguish between healthy anger and abuse. Healthy anger expresses displeasure at an injustice while maintaining goodwill. It focuses on the issue rather than attacking the person. Abusive anger, by contrast, blames, intimidates, and seeks to control. The couple began practicing mindful anger expression. When the husband felt frustrated, instead of exploding, he would say, "I feel angry right now because this situation feels unfair to me. I need a moment to calm down, and then I'd like to discuss this." The wife practiced direct communication rather than withdrawal, saying, "When you raised your voice, I felt scared and disrespected. I need us to talk about issues without yelling." To navigate conflicts compassionately in your own relationships, follow the three-step approach Richo recommends: address, process, and resolve. Addressing means allowing yourself to see what is happening in the relationship without denial. Processing involves showing your feelings about the conflict, noticing its roots in your past, and genuinely opening to your partner's perspective. Resolving creates closure through agreements that heal the conflict and prevent its recurrence. Practice using "I" statements that express your feelings without accusation: "I feel hurt when..." rather than "You always..." Listen to understand rather than to formulate your response. Remember that the goal isn't to win the argument but to preserve the relationship while addressing legitimate concerns. Most importantly, maintain the five A's even during conflict. Pay attention to your partner's perspective. Accept their feelings as valid even if you disagree with their conclusions. Appreciate their willingness to work through difficult issues. Maintain affection even when angry. Allow space for different perspectives and timing in processing emotions.

Chapter 5: Let Go of Ego Expectations

The greatest obstacle to mindful loving is our ego with its fears, attachments, control needs, and sense of entitlement. When we approach relationships from ego, we create conditions that make authentic connection impossible. Learning to let go of ego expectations opens the door to more generous and fulfilling love. Richo shares the story of Evan, whose ego-driven need to be right created constant tension in his marriage. When his wife Margo would suggest a different approach to handling their finances or parenting their children, Evan would become defensive and insist his way was the only right way. This pattern left Margo feeling unheard and devalued, while Evan remained isolated in his rightness. Through therapy, Evan began to recognize the fear behind his need to be right - a deep-seated worry that being wrong meant being unlovable. As he developed more self-compassion, he could acknowledge his mistakes without feeling diminished. During a disagreement about vacation plans, instead of insisting on his preference, Evan practiced saying, "I see your point. Let's consider both options and find what works best for us." This shift from ego-driven rightness to collaborative problem-solving transformed their relationship. To let go of your own ego expectations, start by recognizing the F.A.C.E. of ego that Richo identifies: Fear, Attachment, Control, and Entitlement. Notice when these arise in your interactions. Are you afraid of being vulnerable? Are you attached to a particular outcome? Are you trying to control your partner's behavior? Do you feel entitled to have things go your way? Practice the "Three-A Approach" to fear: Admit your fears without blame, Allow yourself to feel them fully without judgment, and Act as if you weren't afraid. If you fear abandonment, risk allowing your partner to have space. If you fear engulfment, practice staying present one moment longer than feels comfortable. Remember that letting go of ego doesn't mean abandoning healthy boundaries or becoming a doormat. Rather, it means approaching relationships with an open heart rather than defensive posturing. As Richo notes, "The ego was never meant to be annihilated, only dismantled and rebuilt to make it more constructive."

Chapter 6: Deepen Commitment Through Presence

True commitment in relationships goes beyond promises or vows. It manifests through consistent presence - showing up fully for our partners with attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing. This mindful presence creates the foundation for enduring love that can weather life's inevitable challenges. Laura and Michael exemplify this depth of commitment. After twenty years of marriage, they faced a crisis when Michael was diagnosed with terminal cancer. During his final months, instead of withdrawing in fear, they deepened their connection through simple acts of presence. Laura would sit with Michael, holding his hand in silence. Michael, despite his pain, remained emotionally available, asking Laura about her day and listening with full attention. His last words to her were, "How can I love you more?" - a question that embodied his lifelong commitment to presence. This quality of presence isn't reserved for dramatic circumstances. It shows up in daily interactions: truly listening when your partner speaks, putting away distractions during time together, noticing and responding to emotional needs, celebrating successes, and offering support during difficulties. These consistent acts of presence communicate, "You matter to me" more powerfully than grand gestures. To deepen commitment through presence in your relationship, practice what Richo calls "unconditional presence." This means being with your partner without the mindsets of ego: fear, judgment, control, or expectation. When your partner shares something, listen without planning your response. When they express a need, respond with generosity rather than keeping score. When they make a mistake, offer compassion rather than criticism. Create rituals that foster presence in your relationship. This might be a daily check-in where you share highlights and challenges, a weekly date night without digital distractions, or a monthly "state of the union" conversation about your relationship. These practices create spaces where presence can flourish. Remember that presence isn't perfection. No one can be fully present all the time. What matters is the commitment to return to presence when you notice yourself drifting into distraction, defensiveness, or disconnection. This ongoing practice of returning to presence is the essence of mindful loving.

Summary

The journey to mindful loving begins with understanding the five A's - attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing - and extends to healing our past wounds, building trust through vulnerability, navigating conflicts with compassion, letting go of ego expectations, and deepening commitment through presence. These elements work together to create relationships that not only fulfill our needs for connection but also contribute to our growth as individuals. As David Richo reminds us, "Love is experienced differently by each of us, but for most of us, five aspects of love stand out." When we both give and receive these five aspects mindfully, we create the conditions for love to flourish not just in our intimate relationships but in our connection with the world. Today, choose one of the five A's to practice more intentionally - perhaps giving your full attention during conversations, accepting a challenging aspect of your partner without trying to change it, or allowing more freedom for both yourself and others to be authentically who they are.

About Author

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David Richo

David Richo, PhD, is a therapist and author who leads popular workshops on personal and spiritual growth. He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in California. In addition to practicing psychotherapy, Richo teaches courses at Santa Barbara City College and the University of California Berkeley at Berkeley, and has taught at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Pacifica Graduate Institute, and Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He is a clinical supervisor for the Community Counseling Center in Santa Barbara, California. Known for drawing on Buddhism, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work, Richo is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Lovingand The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find in Embracing Them. He has also written When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships, Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side, The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need to Know, and Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth. Richo lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco.

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