How to Say Anything to Anyone

How to Say Anything to Anyone Plot Summary

Introduction

In today's complex professional landscape, what's often left unsaid creates the biggest obstacles to success. Imagine walking into a meeting fully prepared, only to discover later that your presentation missed the mark because no one felt comfortable telling you what they really needed. Or picture working diligently for months on a project, only to receive disappointing feedback during your performance review about issues no one mentioned earlier. These scenarios play out daily in workplaces around the world, leaving professionals frustrated, confused, and unable to reach their full potential. The truth is that most business relationships lack candor - the ability to speak openly, honestly, and directly with colleagues, managers, and clients. This absence of transparent communication costs organizations billions in lost productivity, missed opportunities, and employee turnover. Yet building truly candid business relationships isn't about being blunt or insensitive. It's about creating the right conditions where truth can be exchanged safely and productively. In the following chapters, you'll discover proven methods to establish permission for candid conversations, set clear expectations, ask powerful questions, and deliver feedback that strengthens rather than damages relationships. These skills will transform not just how you communicate, but how you're perceived and how successful you can be.

Chapter 1: Establish Permission for Candid Communication

The foundation of candid business relationships begins with establishing explicit permission to speak openly. Most professionals avoid difficult conversations not because they don't know what to say, but because they feel they don't have permission to say it. Without an agreement about how to communicate, most people default to saying nothing when problems arise, which only makes situations worse. Shari Harley discovered this truth after years of observing organizational dysfunction. In one telling example, she recounts how two women in the third row talked throughout her entire presentation at a conference. Though annoyed, Harley didn't address their behavior because she hadn't initially asked the audience to refrain from side conversations. She felt she would be criticizing them for violating a standard she hadn't established. This common scenario illustrates how we often feel trapped by unspoken rules that prevent honest communication. The solution is surprisingly simple: explicitly ask for permission to speak candidly at the beginning of all business relationships. For example, when starting a relationship with a coworker, you might say: "I want a good relationship with you. If we work together long enough, I'm sure I'll screw it up. I'll wait too long to reply to an email, make a mistake, or miss a deadline. I'd like the kind of relationship in which we can talk about these things. I always want to know what you think. And I promise that no matter what you tell me, I'll say thank you. Is it okay if I work this way with you?" This approach does something powerful - it acknowledges upfront that challenges will occur and creates a mutual agreement about how to handle them. When you've secured permission to be candid before problems arise, addressing issues becomes significantly easier. The awkwardness diminishes because you're operating within an established agreement rather than violating unspoken norms. To make this work effectively, be specific about your expectations and remember that different relationships may require different approaches. With direct reports, you might frame permission-setting as a commitment to their professional development. With your supervisor, you might present it as a desire to receive feedback that helps you grow. The exact wording matters less than the explicit agreement to communicate openly. By establishing permission for candid communication from the start, you're not just preventing future problems - you're demonstrating a level of emotional intelligence and relationship awareness that immediately sets you apart. Few people take this proactive step, but those who do create foundations for relationships that can withstand inevitable conflicts and grow stronger over time.

Chapter 2: Create Clear Expectations from the Start

Clear expectations form the bedrock of successful business relationships, yet most people operate on dangerous assumptions rather than explicit agreements. When expectations remain unspoken, people inevitably disappoint each other without understanding why, creating unnecessary conflict and damaged relationships. Lisa, an internal HR recruiter, experienced this firsthand when working with Carol, a hiring manager. Lisa didn't get enough information from Carol when the job was posted, resulting in candidates who weren't appropriate for the position. Carol rejected every candidate and eventually decided Lisa was incompetent. Meanwhile, Lisa concluded Carol was difficult to work with and asked to support a different department. The most troubling part? They never spoke directly about their frustrations with each other. This entirely preventable situation happens constantly in workplaces. The solution is to follow a structured process for setting expectations at the beginning of any working relationship. When Shari Harley consulted with an accounting firm, she discovered their auditors were repeatedly frustrated with unprepared clients, yet they never addressed this directly. The auditors complained, "This client is never prepared. Every year it's the same thing. We allocate people to the audit, show up on-site, and the client isn't ready." When asked if they discussed this with clients beforehand, they explained that clients received written engagement letters - but these formal documents weren't having conversations with the people actually doing the work. To prevent such misalignments, follow these seven steps when beginning any project or relationship: First, state your goal for a great working relationship. Second, set clear expectations about roles and responsibilities. Third, agree on how you'll address challenges that arise. Fourth, ask for feedback throughout the process. Fifth, ask for permission to give feedback. Sixth, clarify who should be having these conversations. Finally, agree on the communication process for checking in regularly. This approach works equally well with existing clients and team members. For the latter, you might say something like: "I want a good working relationship with you. I'd like a candid relationship where we can say anything and not be worried. If you see me do anything that's going to get in my way, please tell me. If I do anything that annoys you, please tell me. I promise to take it well and not freak out. Is that all right with you?" Remember that it's never too late to set expectations, even in established relationships. When Chloe, a small IT consulting firm owner, lost a major client without understanding why, the real reason (poor service from one of her staff members) remained hidden because no one felt comfortable sharing it. Had she established permission for candid feedback earlier, she might have saved the account and improved her business.

Chapter 3: Master the Art of Asking Questions

The most powerful tool for building candid relationships isn't speaking - it's asking the right questions. Most professionals waste months or even years trying to figure out how colleagues prefer to work, what frustrates them, and how to collaborate effectively. This guesswork leads to unnecessary friction that could be avoided through simple, direct questions. When Shari Harley was twenty-five, she accepted a sales position with a leadership development firm in Fort Collins, Colorado. Four weeks into the job, her boss called furiously from Denver demanding to know why he hadn't seen her. He explained that new employees were on probation for ninety days and weren't permitted to relocate without permission. This critical expectation had never been communicated, creating immediate tension in their relationship. This experience taught Harley one of her most valuable career lessons: don't guess how people want to work with you - ask them directly. Another telling example occurred when Harley hired a manager who worked remotely. Five weeks into the employment, the manager called with feedback: "When you hired me, you said you cared about your employees, and you genuinely seemed to care. But now I'm not so sure. I sent you an email ten days ago and have not received a reply." Harley had failed to explain her communication style - that she received over 150 emails daily and responded much faster to phone calls than emails. This simple misalignment damaged trust that could have been preserved with a brief conversation about preferences. To avoid these situations, ask colleagues specific questions about their working styles. Questions like: "How do you best like to communicate? Via email, voicemail, text message, or in person?" "Are you a morning, afternoon, or night person?" "What are your pet peeves at work?" "How will I know when you're frustrated?" These questions address simple things that can make working relationships either smooth or frustrating. When introducing these conversations, frame them as an effort to work well together: "I'd like to be easy to work with. Would it be okay to ask each other a few questions about our working-style preferences so we know how to work together and don't inadvertently drive each other crazy?" Always conduct these conversations in person or by phone - never via email - as the dialogue itself builds rapport. Remember that these questions serve multiple purposes: they show you care about the relationship, they provide practical information to avoid frustrations, and they demonstrate emotional intelligence that distinguishes you from colleagues. While it might initially feel awkward to ask such direct questions, the discomfort is temporary while the benefits to your working relationships are substantial and lasting.

Chapter 4: Deliver Feedback That Actually Works

Effective feedback is like nutritious food - it sustains professional growth and strengthens relationships. Yet most feedback resembles sugary cereal - briefly satisfying but offering no real value. Learning to deliver feedback that actually works requires understanding both the psychology of how people receive criticism and the structure that makes feedback actionable. When a manager named Jeff consulted with Harley about delivering difficult feedback to an employee, he was frustrated when the employee became defensive despite his careful delivery. "Isn't it her job to accept my feedback graciously?" he asked. This misconception - that people shouldn't become defensive when receiving criticism - ignores basic human psychology. Defensiveness is a natural self-protective response, as automatic as looking both ways before crossing a street. Rather than expecting recipients not to be defensive, skilled feedback providers anticipate this reaction and structure their message to minimize it. The eight-step Feedback Formula provides this structure: First, introduce the conversation by explaining what you'll discuss. Second, empathize with the recipient's position. Third, describe the specific observed behavior. Fourth, share the impact or result of that behavior. Fifth, have dialogue by asking for the recipient's perspective. Sixth, make a suggestion or request for the future. Seventh, build agreement on next steps. Finally, say "thank you" to close the conversation respectfully. Consider how this applies to a notoriously difficult situation - telling someone they have body odor. Using the Formula, you might say: "John, I need to talk with you. This is a little awkward, and it may be uncomfortable. I want you to know that while I wish I didn't have to tell you this, I'm doing it because I care about you and I want you to be successful." Then describe the specific observation: "I've noticed that you have an odor." Follow with the impact: "We work in a small space. I don't want others to avoid working with you or say negative things about you." Ask for their perspective, make specific suggestions, and thank them for having the conversation. Crucially, effective feedback focuses on observed behaviors and their impact, not on your emotions or judgments. Instead of saying "I'm so disappointed in you," say "Your behavior is reflecting negatively on the department." Instead of "I can't believe we're having this conversation again," say "We've talked about this several times and there has been no change." Remember that good feedback is specific, succinct, and direct. Avoid dancing around issues, which only creates longer, more uncomfortable conversations. When Lisa would hover outside Harley's office and start talking mid-thought, Harley finally addressed it directly: "When you come into my office, you're often in the middle of a thought that you've probably been thinking about for a while. Because I'm in the middle of something completely different, it takes me a few seconds to catch up." This clear description made it possible to find a solution that worked for both of them.

Chapter 5: Navigate Difficult Conversations with Confidence

Even with preparation and permission, some workplace situations remain challenging to address. Developing strategies for these scenarios enables you to navigate them with confidence rather than avoidance or awkwardness. Consider the common situation where you've given someone feedback repeatedly, yet nothing has changed. Harley explains that when this happens, it means one of three things: the person doesn't want to change, can't change, or doesn't know how to change. The key question is: what consequence is the person facing for not changing their behavior? People change for two reasons only - positive or negative consequences. If you've given the same feedback multiple times without seeing improvement, the consequences as described have been insufficient to motivate change. Another challenging scenario involves managing former peers after a promotion. Harley recommends a practice she calls "name the game" - openly acknowledging what others are thinking but not saying. Have a one-on-one conversation with each new direct report and say: "We were peers and friends, and now I'm your boss. It's awkward for me, and I have to assume it's awkward for you as well. I want us to have a good working relationship. The nature of our relationship will have to change. Before we go there, I want to give us both a chance to talk about how we're feeling." Sometimes the difficulty comes from broken trust, such as when someone shares information you provided in confidence. In this case, Harley suggests addressing it directly: "I was talking to Sue the other day and she mentioned something that I had told you in confidence. That was between you and me. You gave me your word that you would keep it to yourself. Hearing things I told you in confidence from other people makes me feel like I can't trust you." Then ask what happened and request specific behavior for the future. For situations where you're frustrated with unproductive meetings but lack authority to change them, consider offering help rather than criticism: "Running meetings of this size is really challenging. I came across an article with good ideas on how to run meetings like this one. Would you like me to recommend any of these roles during the next meeting? I'm happy to help in any way that I can." When dealing with a boss who doesn't provide enough feedback, Harley advises not sabotaging yourself with the belief that it's solely your manager's responsibility. Instead, get specific: "I've been working on strengthening my meeting facilitation skills. Would you be willing to watch me run a meeting and give me feedback? I'd specifically like feedback on how I set expectations with the team." By being specific and scheduling a future time to discuss observations, you make it easier for your boss to provide useful input. The unifying principle across these difficult situations is courage combined with structure. Rather than avoiding uncomfortable conversations, having them in a thoughtful, planned way demonstrates both professionalism and genuine care for the relationship. As Harley reminds us, "You can say more than you think you can" - especially when your intention is to strengthen relationships and improve results.

Chapter 6: Build Ongoing Trust Through Relationship Maintenance

Establishing candid business relationships is not a one-time event but an ongoing process requiring regular maintenance. Without consistent attention, even the strongest relationships deteriorate, trust erodes, and communication breaks down. The key to maintaining healthy professional relationships is conducting what Harley calls "Relationship Inventories" - periodic check-ins to assess how things are going. Consider Michelle, a call center manager who called Harley about training her customer service representatives to conduct new-hire training - a responsibility previously handled by the company's dedicated training department. When Harley asked what happened to the training department, Michelle explained that her boss was dissatisfied with their work and had decided Michelle's team could do better, despite having no training experience. The training department had essentially been "fired" without ever knowing there was a problem or having a chance to improve. Similarly, a VP of marketing at a firm Harley worked for discovered his job posted on a job board when a friend called to ask if he was still employed. The company had decided he wasn't working out and began searching for his replacement before informing him of any performance issues. These scenarios illustrate a painful truth: you can be "fired" - either literally or figuratively - without ever knowing why. To prevent such outcomes, conduct quarterly Relationship Inventories with key stakeholders. These are structured conversations designed to learn what's changed in their business since you last spoke and to solicit feedback about your working relationship. The conversation might begin: "Mike, it's been a while since I asked this: How is my work for the firm going? What feedback have you gotten? What requests do you have for me?" More specific Relationship Inventory questions include: "What's happening in your department that you want me to know about?" "What's working about how our departments are working together?" "How have we exceeded your expectations in the last few months?" "How have we disappointed you?" "What's one change we could make that would make the biggest difference for you?" Note that "How is it going?" is not a useful question because the expected answer is always "Fine." Instead, ask specific questions that elicit actionable information. Conduct these conversations in person or by phone, not via survey or email, as the dialogue itself strengthens the relationship. When receiving feedback during these inventories, remember that the right answer is always "Thank you" - even if you think the feedback is incorrect. Your immediate goal is to receive information about how you're perceived, not to defend yourself or argue. Later, after processing what you've heard, you can determine how to respond. By regularly checking in with stakeholders and soliciting honest feedback, you maintain awareness of expectations, address small issues before they become major problems, and demonstrate your commitment to the relationship. This ongoing maintenance ensures that candid communication remains a sustainable practice rather than a short-lived initiative.

Chapter 7: Take Control of Your Professional Reputation

Your professional reputation - what people say about you when you're not in the room - profoundly impacts your career trajectory. Yet most professionals have no idea how they're perceived by colleagues, bosses, and clients. Taking control of your reputation requires deliberately seeking feedback and having the courage to hear uncomfortable truths. Shari Harley learned this lesson painfully early in her career. As a new technical trainer at a company, she was afraid to ask questions during training for fear of appearing incompetent. Six weeks into the program, her boss called her in and said, "I've gotten feedback from your colleagues that you haven't asked any questions in training, and as a result they think you're arrogant and overly confident." These were the same people she'd asked for feedback and considered friends, yet they went to her boss rather than speaking to her directly. This experience drove home a crucial truth: people talk about us, not to us. This realization led Harley to develop a proactive approach to understanding her reputation. She invited six people who knew her well to lunch and asked each of them five specific questions: "What is the first impression I create?" "What was I like to work with?" "If my coworkers were asked to talk about me when I wasn't there, what would they say?" "How have I exceeded your expectations?" "How have I disappointed you?" Though difficult, these conversations provided invaluable insights about how she was perceived. Everything we do forms impressions - what we wear, when we arrive at work, who we associate with, even the condition of our desk. These seemingly small details can significantly impact career advancement. Harley observed a new employee who regularly chatted with the receptionist while leaning over the desk "with her butt stuck out for the entire office to see" and typically had lunch with a coworker known throughout the office as lazy and unreliable. These associations and behaviors were shaping others' perceptions of her, yet she remained unaware. To gain control of your reputation, find trustworthy people who will give you honest feedback. Ask specific questions and promise to respond with "Thank you," no matter what they say. When requesting feedback, be precise about what you want input on: "I've been working on strengthening my presentation skills. I'd specifically like feedback on how I organize my content and handle questions. Here are opportunities in the next two weeks to see me present. Can we schedule a meeting afterward to discuss?" Remember that defensiveness is natural when receiving negative feedback, but it discourages people from being honest with you in the future. Instead of defending yourself, express appreciation for the feedback, take time to process it, and return later with any questions. As Harley puts it, "Feedback is information, and information gives you the power to control your reputation and outcomes." By regularly seeking feedback from trusted sources, you gain awareness of both your strengths and blind spots. This awareness allows you to leverage positive perceptions while addressing behaviors that might be limiting your advancement. Most importantly, it puts you in charge of your professional narrative rather than leaving it to chance or office gossip.

Summary

The essence of building powerful business relationships lies in creating environments where candor can flourish. Throughout these chapters, we've explored how establishing permission for honest communication, setting clear expectations, asking thoughtful questions, and delivering effective feedback transforms professional interactions. As Shari Harley wisely reminds us, "You can say more than you think you can. Ask more. Assume less." This simple yet profound advice encapsulates the courage required to break free from the silence that limits careers and damages organizations. Your journey toward more candid business relationships begins with a single conversation. Choose one relationship that matters to your professional success and initiate a discussion about communication expectations. Ask for permission to speak openly and grant that same permission in return. Be specific about how you'd like to work together and how you'll address challenges when they inevitably arise. This one conversation will set the foundation for a dramatically different working relationship - one based on trust, clarity, and mutual respect. Remember that changing an organization's culture starts with one person willing to do something differently. That person can be you.

About Author

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Shari Harley

Shari Harley is a business communication expert. She started her career selling and facilitating effective communication programs for Dale Carnegie Training. She has also served as a business communication trainer for American Century Investments, led leadership development and succession planning for OppenheimerFunds, and taught leadership courses at the University of Denver. Harley holds an MA in applied communication from the University of Denver and a BA in psychology from Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri.In 2007 Harley left her corporate director job to launch CANDID CULTURE, a business communication training and keynote speaking firm that seeks to bring effective communication back to the workplace, making it easier to give positive feedback and constructive feedback at work. Shari is known globally as an engaging, funny, content-rich business communication keynote speaker and trainer. Her practical approach to making business relationships work and improving business communication has enabled her to speak and train throughout the United States and in Singapore, Thailand, Malaysia, India, Dubai, and Australia. She holds the CSP (Certified Speaking Professional) designation.Shari has a passion for international travel, and there are few places she won't go. When not traveling, speaking, or training, Shari spends as much time as possible outside. She lives in Denver, Colorado.

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