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How to Think More About Sex

Name: How to Think More About Sex
Rating: 3.47 (5517 reviews)

Sage sex advice from a philosophical polymath

ByAlain de Botton

3.5 (5,517 ratings)

Nonfiction Self Help Psychology Philosophy Relationships Audiobook Personal Development Sexuality Essays Love

20 minutes read | Text | 8 key ideas

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The tangled dance of modern intimacy unfurls in Alain de Botton's "How to Think More About Sex," a thought-provoking exploration that navigates the terrain of lust, fidelity, and vulnerability. As de Botton peels back the layers of desire, he challenges us to reconcile our raw, primal instincts with the veneer of societal expectations. His reflections, both candid and insightful, offer a fresh lens on the age-old pursuit of balancing passion with partnership. The book serves as a guide through the labyrinth of our sexual psyche, inviting readers to consider how thinking more deeply about sex can enhance its pleasure and complexity. With a deft touch, de Botton reminds us that while sex may never be straightforward, it remains an endlessly fascinating journey worth contemplating.

Content Type

Book

Binding

Paperback

Year

2012

Publisher

Macmillan

Language

English

ISBN13

9781447202271

File Download

PDF | EPUB

How to Think More About Sex Plot Summary

Introduction

We inhabit a peculiar age when it comes to sexuality. On one hand, we're surrounded by unprecedented sexual freedom—casual hookups, dating apps, access to contraception, and open discussions about formerly taboo topics. On the other, we suffer from deep confusion about what constitutes healthy desire, meaningful intimacy, and realistic expectations. Despite apparent liberation, we remain haunted by guilt, insecurity, and dissatisfaction, secretly suspecting that everyone else has figured out how to have fulfilling sex lives while we alone struggle. This fundamental gap between sexual expectation and reality creates much of our modern unhappiness. We've been told that great sex should come naturally in loving relationships, that our desires should align perfectly with our partners', and that sexual fulfillment is our birthright. Yet the evidence suggests otherwise. By examining sexuality through multiple lenses—psychological, evolutionary, cultural, and moral—we can develop a more nuanced understanding of desire that acknowledges its contradictions. Rather than promising techniques for better orgasms or more frequent encounters, this exploration offers something more valuable: the possibility of feeling less painfully strange about the sex we long for, the sex we have, and the sex we struggle to enjoy.

Chapter 1: The Psychological Architecture of Sexual Desire

Sexual desire has traditionally been explained through evolutionary biology as simply nature's way of ensuring reproduction. According to this framework, what we find attractive in others—symmetrical features, signs of fertility, indicators of health—serves the ultimate goal of producing genetically advantageous offspring. While this explanation contains truth, it fails to capture the psychological complexity of human sexuality and the rich inner landscape of our erotic lives. What makes a sexual encounter truly satisfying often has little to do with physical pleasure alone. The deepest sexual excitement frequently stems from psychological dynamics: the thrill of overcoming loneliness, the temporary escape from shame, the validation of being truly seen by another. When we kiss someone for the first time, what excites us isn't merely the physical sensation but the knowledge that another person accepts us despite our flaws. The wet vagina and the stiff penis function as unambiguous agents of sincerity in a world where fake enthusiasms are rife. The moments when sex overwhelms rational control have a well-known habit of being especially erotic. Many sexual fantasies revolve around scenarios where desire overcomes social roles and responsibilities—the nurse who forgets her medical duties, the executive who sweeps papers off the desk. These fantasies speak to our yearning for authenticity in a world dominated by calculation and restraint. Similarly, the appeal of certain "forbidden" behaviors during sex—hair-pulling, name-calling, even mild aggression—can represent a desire to escape the constant self-monitoring required by civilized existence. Our specific sexual attractions are not random but often reflect profound psychological needs. Just as we may be drawn to certain artistic styles that compensate for what's missing in our psychological makeup, we find ourselves sexually attracted to people who possess qualities we lack or desperately need. The calm, organized person may desire someone spontaneous and passionate; the chaotic, emotional individual might be drawn to partners who embody stability and restraint. These complementary attractions reveal how sexuality serves as a mechanism through which we unconsciously seek psychological wholeness. At its best, sex can temporarily overcome the profound isolation that characterizes modern existence. For brief moments, it bridges the gap between our inner and outer selves, allowing us to feel understood and accepted without judgment. This explains why good sex is rarely just about technique or physical attributes, but rather about creating moments of authentic connection where loneliness dissolves and we feel truly at home with another person.

Chapter 2: Beauty and Attraction: Beyond Evolutionary Biology

When we describe someone as "sexy," we often worry that we're making a superficial judgment. Our culture teaches us that valuing appearance above character represents a moral failing—we should know someone before desiring them. Yet the immediate, visceral attraction we feel toward certain people remains an undeniable aspect of human experience. Evolutionary biologists offer a simple explanation: we're attracted to signs of health and reproductive fitness, with symmetrical faces and proportionate features serving as reliable indicators of genetic quality. Studies consistently show remarkable cross-cultural agreement about which faces people find attractive, suggesting a universal, biologically-based appreciation for certain physical traits. However, this biological explanation, while informative, ultimately feels reductive and fails to capture the full complexity of attraction. When we look more deeply at what draws us to others, we discover that physical attraction often serves as a gateway to more profound forms of recognition and connection. The 19th-century novelist Stendhal offered a more nuanced understanding when he described beauty as "the promise of happiness." This definition suggests that when we're attracted to someone, we're responding not just to signs of health but to hints of psychological qualities that might enhance our lives. In the curve of a smile, the energy of a gesture, or the directness of a gaze, we intuit characteristics like kindness, intelligence, curiosity, or emotional resilience—qualities we value and perhaps need in our lives. This perspective helps explain why our individual preferences in attraction vary so dramatically. Drawing on art historian Wilhelm Worringer's theory about aesthetic preferences, we might understand sexual attraction as reflecting our unique psychological needs. Worringer proposed that we're drawn to art that compensates for what's missing in our psychological makeup. Similarly, we find people "sexy" when we detect in them qualities that might balance our own excesses and deficiencies. Someone raised by theatrical, unreliable parents might be drawn to partners who signal stability and restraint; someone with an overly structured childhood might desire more spontaneous, expressive companions. Fashion further illustrates how attraction connects to values and worldviews beyond mere health indicators. Different clothing styles communicate distinct philosophies of life—when we respond to them, we're not just appreciating fabric or form but endorsing particular ways of being in the world. The "sexiness" of Donna Karan's designs communicates something fundamentally different from Dolce & Gabbana's aesthetic, each appealing to different values and sensibilities. Understanding attraction in these more complex terms allows us to see that our desires, far from being superficial, often reflect deep psychological needs and values. When we're drawn to someone, we're responding to a complex constellation of physical, psychological, and cultural signals that promise a particular kind of relationship to the world.

Chapter 3: The Paradox of Modern Marriage and Sexual Fulfillment

Modern marriage presents us with a uniquely challenging paradox: we expect it to simultaneously satisfy our needs for romantic love, passionate sex, and stable family life—an unprecedented historical demand. In earlier societies, these needs were wisely differentiated. The troubadours of medieval Provence celebrated romantic love but never expected to live with their beloveds; libertines of 18th-century Paris pursued sexual pleasure without conflating it with family obligations; and for millennia, people married primarily for practical reasons like economic security and child-rearing, with neither romance nor sexual passion considered essential. It was only in the mid-18th century that the bourgeoisie began formulating our current marital ideal—a single relationship meant to fulfill all emotional, sexual, and practical needs. This development, while aspirational, failed to account for how these different desires might naturally conflict. The difficulties couples face in maintaining sexual desire through decades of marriage are not merely personal failures but structural challenges inherent to the institution itself. Freud articulated this dilemma succinctly: "Where they love, they have no desire, and where they desire, they cannot love." One key obstacle to sustaining desire in marriage involves the difficulty of shifting between everyday roles and erotic mindsets. Marriage requires bureaucratic virtues—organization, responsibility, rule-following—while eroticism thrives on their opposites: spontaneity, playfulness, and transgression. The good household manager, focused on schedules and budgets, may struggle to become the passionate lover hours later. Similarly, revealing our most private sexual needs makes us vulnerable in ways that may feel incompatible with maintaining authority in other domains of family life. The incest taboo paradoxically complicates marital sexuality as well. As Freud observed, we learn about love from family members with whom sex is forbidden, and then often choose partners who unconsciously remind us of those early attachments. Over time, especially after having children, couples increasingly function as parental figures—calling each other "Mom" or "Dad," adopting disciplinary tones—making erotic connection psychologically problematic despite their unrelated status. The modern expectation that frequency equals success creates additional pressure. Sex therapists since Masters and Johnson have insisted that regular, fulfilling sex represents the marital norm, with any decline considered pathological. Yet what if we considered the gradual waning of sexual intensity not as failure but as biological inevitability? Rather than pathologizing this natural process, we might focus on developing greater acceptance and realism about the limitations of long-term sexual connection. When adultery occurs, as it frequently does, we might understand it not as moral failing but as an inevitable response to impossible expectations. Affairs don't succeed at solving the fundamental problem, however, as they merely relocate it. The real challenge lies not in finding perfect solutions but in accepting the inherent trade-offs involved in any approach to balancing love, sex, and family—recognizing that straightening one corner of this metaphorical bedsheet will inevitably create wrinkles elsewhere.

Chapter 4: Pornography's Double Edge: Freedom and Captivity

Internet pornography represents one of modern society's most profound paradoxes: ostensibly liberating while simultaneously enslaving. Its ubiquitous availability and infinite variety offers unprecedented sexual freedom, yet many users experience it as a form of captivity, consuming hours of life that might otherwise be devoted to relationships, work, creativity, or personal development. The statistics—a $10 billion annual industry—fail to capture pornography's true cost in squandered human potential and psychological distress. The disconnect between pornography consumption and our conscious values becomes starkly apparent in the moment after orgasm. Where just seconds earlier we might have eagerly sacrificed worldly goods for one more click, now we confront with horror and shame the temporary abandonment of our sanity. This whiplash between desire and disgust reveals pornography's power to override rational decision-making and dramatically rearrange our priorities. The human mind, evolved to handle occasional erotic encounters on the savannah, proves defenseless against the constant availability of infinite sexual stimulation. This vulnerability challenges fundamental assumptions of modern liberal societies. Since the Enlightenment, Western democracies have prioritized personal liberty, believing that rational adults can responsibly manage their own exposure to ideas and images without governmental interference. We've rejected censorship as the relic of authoritarian regimes and religious oppression. Yet pornography's ability to hijack attention and redirect behavior suggests that perhaps, in this domain at least, our confidence in human rationality may be misplaced. Only religions still take sexuality's disruptive power seriously. While we may disagree with their specific moral frameworks, religious traditions have consistently recognized sex as a force capable of derailing higher aspirations and requiring careful management. The Islamic practice of veiling, often mocked in secular societies, acknowledges what modern liberalism frequently denies: that sexual stimuli can profoundly affect behavior and redirect attention away from other values. The question isn't whether such stimuli affect us—clearly they do—but how we might respond to this reality while preserving essential freedoms. Rather than focusing exclusively on censorship, we might consider reimagining pornography itself. The problem isn't just availability but content that divorces sexuality from other human values and qualities. Traditional pornography asks us to temporarily abandon our ethical, aesthetic, and intellectual sensibilities in pursuit of arousal. But what if erotic material could be designed to integrate sexuality with other aspects of human excellence? Historical examples suggest possibilities: Renaissance religious art sometimes incorporated subtle eroticism within morally elevating contexts, allowing sexual response to complement rather than contradict higher values. A more integrated pornography might depict desire in contexts that also showcase intelligence, kindness, humor, or emotional vulnerability—bridging rather than widening the gap between sexuality and other human qualities we admire. This approach wouldn't eliminate pornography's challenges but might reduce the painful disconnect between arousal and aftermath, between our sexual selves and the rest of our identities.

Chapter 5: Adultery: The Tension Between Fantasy and Reality

The allure of adultery is undeniable, particularly after years of marriage and family life. When a professional interaction with an attractive stranger evolves into flirtation and eventually physical connection, the experience can feel transcendent—a temporary escape from routine into a realm of heightened sensation and renewed self-discovery. The adulterer experiences not just sexual excitement but a broader reawakening: the thrill of being truly seen and desired, the pleasure of encountering another's unique world, the intoxication of secret knowledge shared beyond social boundaries. Our culture's moral condemnation of infidelity often fails to acknowledge this powerful appeal. Rather than simply labeling adultery as wrong, we might recognize it as a natural response to the limitations of long-term partnership. The very design of modern marriage—expecting one person to fulfill all our needs for decades—virtually guarantees moments when outside attractions will emerge. Our bodies and minds, evolved for diverse experiences and connections, resist permanent confinement to a single sexual relationship, however loving. Yet embracing this perspective requires questioning the foundations of contemporary marriage. The current model, which developed among the European bourgeoisie in the 18th century, represents a historical anomaly. Earlier societies wisely separated romantic love, sexual passion, and family formation, recognizing their distinct and sometimes conflicting natures. Only recently have we expected marriage to simultaneously satisfy all three domains—a demand that virtually guarantees disappointment and creates fertile ground for adultery. However, while acknowledging adultery's appeal, we must also confront its fundamental inadequacy as a solution. What initially seems like liberation typically reveals itself as another form of idealism—the belief that we can magically rearrange our lives through secret adventures without consequences. This expectation proves as unrealistic as the marital ideal it rebels against. Affairs inevitably cause pain, not just through discovery but through the impossible contradictions they create within the adulterer, who must compartmentalize life in increasingly unsustainable ways. The real tragedy lies in our culture's insistence on binary thinking: either perfect marital fidelity or moral condemnation. A more honest approach would acknowledge the inevitability of sexual attraction beyond marriage while also recognizing the tremendous value of commitment. Rather than expecting lifetime sexual exclusivity as the unquestioned baseline, we might celebrate it as an extraordinary achievement against powerful natural forces—an achievement worthy of admiration precisely because it's difficult and rare. This perspective suggests an alternative approach to marriage vows. Instead of promising eternal romantic passion, we might more honestly commit to being "disappointed by you and you alone"—to making our spouse "the sole repository of my regrets, rather than distributing them widely through multiple affairs." Such promises, though lacking in conventional romance, would acknowledge the necessary compromises of long-term love and create more realistic expectations for the inevitable challenges ahead.

Chapter 6: The Case for Sexual Realism and Acceptance

Our sexual drives produce endless complications: they lead us into unwise relationships, distract us from important work, inspire jealousy and obsession, and often leave us feeling inadequate or ashamed. On difficult days, we might reasonably conclude that life would be simpler and more peaceful without sexual desire altogether. We could focus on friendship, intellectual pursuits, and aesthetic appreciation without the constant disruption of erotic longing. Yet sexuality, for all its troubles, remains essential to our humanity. Through sexual desire, we transcend our isolation and engage with others in ways that would otherwise seem impossible. The reserved accountant approaches the vivacious stranger at a bar; the scholarly professor discovers common ground with the tattooed carpenter. In pursuing sexual connection, we expand beyond our usual social circles, develop unexpected interests, and discover parts of ourselves that might otherwise remain dormant. Without sex as motivation, much of human culture—from fashion to architecture, literature to music—would lose its animating force. Sexual desire democratizes human experience, creating connections across divisions of class, education, and social status. It humbles the powerful and elevates the marginalized. The corporate executive may find himself kneeling before the intern; the celebrated intellectual might surrender control to someone who never attended college. These reversals of normal hierarchies remind us of our shared vulnerability and humanity, challenging the artificial divisions that structure daily life. A mature approach to sexuality requires acknowledging these contradictory truths. Rather than expecting sex to fit neatly into rational frameworks or moral systems, we might develop greater acceptance of its inherent messiness. We cannot eliminate the suffering sexuality causes, but we can reduce unnecessary shame by recognizing that our struggles and peculiarities are universal. No one approaches sex with the cheerful, sporting, non-obsessive outlook we imagine others possess. We are all, in different ways, haunted by insecurities, unusual desires, and conflicting impulses. This recognition offers a path toward greater self-acceptance. Instead of measuring ourselves against impossible standards, we might embrace what philosopher Alain de Botton calls "a psychological realism about sex"—an understanding that acknowledges both its transcendent possibilities and its inevitable disappointments. We can celebrate those rare moments when sexual connection achieves its highest potential while accepting that such experiences will always be exceptional rather than routine. Ultimately, sexuality connects us to the most fundamental aspects of human existence: our embodiment, our mortality, our need for connection, and our capacity for both pleasure and pain. It reminds us that we are not primarily rational beings but creatures of flesh and feeling, driven by forces we can never fully control or understand. In this reminder lies both sexuality's challenge and its gift—forcing us to acknowledge limitations while simultaneously opening us to experiences of profound intimacy and joy that rational thought alone could never provide.

Summary

The modern sexual landscape presents us with a fundamental contradiction: unprecedented freedom coupled with profound confusion. Despite apparent liberation from historical constraints, we remain caught between idealistic expectations and biological realities, between cultural messaging and personal experience. Our society has dismantled traditional sexual frameworks without providing adequate replacements, leaving individuals to navigate complex desires without reliable maps. The path forward lies not in pursuing either complete sexual liberation or rigid moral frameworks, but in developing greater psychological realism. By acknowledging the inherent tensions within sexuality—between commitment and novelty, security and passion, individual fulfillment and relational responsibility—we can reduce unnecessary suffering while preserving what makes sexual connection valuable. Sexual desire will never be simple or easy to manage, but it can become less bewildering when we recognize its contradictions as normal rather than pathological. The most profound freedom comes not from escaping limitations but from accepting them with wisdom, humor, and compassion—recognizing that our sexual struggles connect us to the broader human experience in all its messy, complex glory.

Best Quote

“Without sex, we would be dangerously invulnerable. We might believe we were not ridiculous. We wouldn't know rejection and humiliation so intimately.” ― Alain de Botton, How to Think More About Sex

Review Summary

Strengths: The review acknowledges Alain de Botton's ability to simplify complex concepts and his broad knowledge on various topics. The book is described as an interesting and easy read, suitable for casual reading without requiring deep concentration. Weaknesses: The reviewer expresses ambivalence towards de Botton's tendency to oversimplify, which might detract from the depth of his work. The book is not considered his best, and the review hints at a lack of depth in exploring sophisticated ideas. Overall Sentiment: Mixed. The reviewer appreciates de Botton's accessibility and knowledge but is critical of the oversimplification and lack of depth. Key Takeaway: While "How to Think More About Sex" is accessible and easy to read, it may lack the depth required for a thorough understanding of complex psychological and evolutionary concepts.

About Author

Alain de Botton

Alain de Botton is a writer and television producer who lives in London and aims to make philosophy relevant to everyday life. He can be contacted by email directly via www.alaindebotton.com He is a writer of essayistic books, which refer both to his own experiences and ideas- and those of artists, philosophers and thinkers. It's a style of writing that has been termed a 'philosophy of everyday life.'His first book, Essays in Love [titled On Love in the US], minutely analysed the process of falling in and out of love. The style of the book was unusual, because it mixed elements of a novel together with reflections and analyses normally found in a piece of non-fiction. It's a book of which many readers are still fondest.Bibliography:* Essays In Love (1993)* The Romantic Movement (1994)* Kiss and Tell (1995)* How Proust Can Change Your Life (1997)* The Consolations of Philosophy (2000)* The Art of Travel (2002)* Status Anxiety (2004)* The Architecture of Happiness (2006)* The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work (2009)