How to Win Friends and Influence People

How to Win Friends and Influence People Plot Summary

Introduction

In a world where everyone is constantly seeking recognition and validation, the ability to make others feel important is perhaps the most powerful skill you can develop. This fundamental human need transcends cultures, generations, and social status - we all crave appreciation and acknowledgment. Yet in our busy lives, we often overlook this simple truth, focusing instead on our own desires and needs. When you master the art of making others feel valued, remarkable things happen. Relationships flourish, cooperation replaces conflict, and opportunities multiply. The principles shared in these pages aren't manipulative tactics or superficial techniques - they're profound insights into human psychology that, when applied authentically, transform how people respond to you. By shifting your focus from seeking importance to giving it, you'll discover a paradoxical truth: the more you make others feel significant, the more significant you become in their eyes.

Chapter 1: Begin with Sincere Appreciation

The hunger for appreciation is one of the deepest human cravings. Unlike criticism, which often triggers defensiveness, genuine appreciation opens hearts and minds. This isn't about empty flattery or manipulation - it's about recognizing the authentic value in others and expressing it sincerely. Charles Schwab, who rose to become one of the highest-paid executives in America during his time, attributed much of his success to this principle. When asked about his management style, Schwab explained, "I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement." He was known to walk through his steel mills, observing his employees at work. Rather than focusing on mistakes, he looked for opportunities to praise good work. "I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault," he said. His approach earned him not just professional success but the genuine loyalty of those who worked with him. This approach stands in stark contrast to how most people interact. As the old couplet says: "Once I did bad and that I heard ever / Twice I did good, but that I heard never." We're quick to criticize but slow to appreciate. Yet appreciation, when sincere, works wonders that criticism never could. Consider the experience of Mrs. McKinley, who spent five months in the hospital. During this difficult time, a nurse named Marie Petrucello consistently showed concern, asking about her progress and offering encouragement. Years later, Mrs. McKinley still remembered this kindness vividly, noting how Marie's genuine interest had transformed an otherwise bleak experience into something bearable. To practice sincere appreciation effectively, start by observing more carefully. Look for qualities, actions, or characteristics you genuinely admire in others. Be specific in your praise rather than general - instead of saying "You're great," mention exactly what you found impressive and why it matters. Timing matters too - offer appreciation promptly rather than saving it for formal occasions. Remember that appreciation differs fundamentally from flattery. Flattery is insincere and ultimately self-serving. Genuine appreciation comes from the heart and focuses on the other person. As one wise philosopher noted, "The difference between appreciation and flattery? Simple. One is sincere, the other insincere. One comes from the heart out, the other from the teeth out." The art of appreciation requires practice, but its effects are transformative. When you make a habit of noticing and acknowledging the good in others, you create an atmosphere where relationships flourish and people naturally want to give their best.

Chapter 2: Become Genuinely Interested in Others

The quickest path to someone's heart is to become genuinely interested in them. This principle isn't a clever technique or manipulation - it's a fundamental shift in perspective that transforms relationships. When you authentically care about others, they instinctively respond with warmth and openness. Theodore Roosevelt exemplified this principle brilliantly. Despite his demanding schedule as President, he made time to learn about the people around him. His valet, James Amos, recalled how Roosevelt would call out friendly greetings whenever he passed their cottage, even when they weren't visible. Once, Roosevelt even called Mrs. Amos personally to tell her there was a bobwhite bird outside her window, knowing she had mentioned never seeing one before. These small gestures revealed his genuine interest in the lives of those around him, regardless of their status. This approach created extraordinary loyalty. When Roosevelt visited the White House after Taft became President, he greeted all the staff by name, from the gardeners to the kitchen maids. Ike Hoover, who had been head usher for forty years, remarked with tears in his eyes: "It is the only happy day we had in nearly two years, and not one of us would exchange it for a hundred-dollar bill." To develop genuine interest in others, begin by asking thoughtful questions about people's experiences, opinions, and interests - then listen attentively to their answers. Edward M. Sykes, a sales representative for Johnson & Johnson, discovered this power when calling on a drugstore in Hingham. While other salespeople focused solely on business, Sykes made a point of chatting with the soda clerk and salesclerk before approaching the owner. When the owner later rejected his products, these same clerks advocated for Sykes, telling their boss that if any salesperson deserved his business, it was Sykes - simply because he had shown genuine interest in them. Make a habit of remembering personal details about people - their children's names, their hobbies, their accomplishments. When you meet someone again, ask about these things. This isn't about keeping records; it's about showing that you value them enough to remember what matters to them. The principle works because it addresses a fundamental truth: people are more interested in themselves than in you. By focusing your attention on them rather than trying to impress them with your own importance, you create a connection that wouldn't otherwise exist. Remember that becoming genuinely interested means exactly that - genuine interest. People quickly detect insincerity. The goal isn't to pretend interest to get something, but to cultivate a sincere curiosity about the fascinating individuals around you. When you do this consistently, you'll find relationships deepening and opportunities multiplying in ways you never expected.

Chapter 3: Remember Names and Make People Feel Valued

Few sounds are as meaningful to a person as the sound of their own name. When you remember and use someone's name, you send a powerful message: "You matter to me. You are significant." This simple act creates an immediate connection and establishes the foundation for a positive relationship. Jim Farley understood this principle intuitively. Born in poverty after his father died in an accident, Farley began working in a brickyard at age ten. With little formal education, he developed an extraordinary ability to remember names. By the time he became Postmaster General of the United States and chairman of the Democratic National Committee, he could call 50,000 people by their first names. When managing Franklin D. Roosevelt's presidential campaign in 1932, Farley traveled twenty states in nineteen days, meeting thousands of people. After each encounter, he would write down names and details, later sending personalized letters that made recipients feel individually valued. The impact of this approach was profound. People who felt remembered and recognized became enthusiastic supporters, helping propel Roosevelt to the White House. Farley's ability wasn't magical - it was a skill he deliberately cultivated because he understood its importance. Andrew Carnegie demonstrated similar awareness when building his business empire. As a boy in Scotland, he discovered that people love their names when he named baby rabbits after neighborhood children who gathered food for them. Years later, when seeking to sell steel rails to the Pennsylvania Railroad, he built a steel mill and named it the "Edgar Thomson Steel Works" after the railroad's president. Not surprisingly, when the Pennsylvania Railroad needed steel rails, they purchased them from Carnegie's company. To develop this skill yourself, make a conscious effort when introduced to someone. Listen attentively to their name and repeat it immediately in conversation. If it's unusual, politely ask about its spelling or origin. Associate the name with something distinctive about the person - their appearance, profession, or where you met. Later, write it down with notes about your conversation. When you meet someone again, greet them by name with genuine pleasure. If you've forgotten, be honest and apologize - then make a greater effort to remember next time. People understand that remembering names can be challenging, but they appreciate the effort. This principle extends beyond names to remembering significant details about people's lives. When you recall their children's accomplishments, their recent vacation, or their professional challenges, you demonstrate that you value them as individuals worthy of your attention and memory. The effort you invest in remembering names and personal details yields extraordinary returns in goodwill and connection. It transforms ordinary interactions into meaningful exchanges that people remember long after they've forgotten what was said.

Chapter 4: Listen Actively and Encourage Others to Talk

Being a good listener is one of the most powerful ways to influence others. When you give someone your complete attention, you offer them a rare gift in today's distracted world. People yearn to be heard and understood, and when you fulfill this need, they naturally warm to you. A striking example comes from a botanist who attended a dinner party where he met a man who knew nothing about botany. Yet this man listened with such rapt attention as the botanist spoke about exotic plants, indoor gardens, and even the humble potato, that the botanist later declared him "a most interesting conversationalist." In reality, the listener had said almost nothing - he had simply given the botanist his undivided attention and encouraged him to talk about his passion. This approach works because most people are more interested in talking about themselves than listening to others. The New York Telephone Company once analyzed 500 telephone conversations and found the word "I" was used 3,900 times. We're naturally drawn to those who show interest in our thoughts, experiences, and opinions. To become a better listener, start by eliminating distractions. Put away your phone, turn away from your computer, and face the speaker directly. Maintain appropriate eye contact and resist the urge to interrupt, even when you disagree or have something to add. Instead of planning your response while the other person is speaking, focus completely on understanding their message. Ask thoughtful questions that encourage elaboration rather than yes-or-no answers. When Joseph Webb of the Philadelphia Electric Company visited a farm where the owner initially slammed the door in his face, he didn't argue or push his agenda. Instead, he noticed the woman's chickens and asked about them. "How'd you know my hens were Dominicks?" she asked, surprised by his knowledge. This question opened a conversation that eventually led to her installing electric lights in her henhouse - something Webb couldn't have achieved through traditional sales tactics. Show that you're listening through appropriate nods, facial expressions, and occasional verbal acknowledgments. When appropriate, paraphrase what you've heard to confirm your understanding: "So what you're saying is..." This demonstrates that you're truly engaged with their thoughts. Remember that listening isn't just about hearing words - it's about understanding the emotions and needs behind them. When a customer stormed into Julian Detmer's office, angry about a bill he claimed he didn't owe, Detmer didn't argue. He listened patiently, thanked the man for bringing the issue to his attention, and expressed concern that his company might have made a mistake. The customer's anger dissolved, and he eventually discovered he had overlooked the bill himself. Active listening creates an atmosphere where real communication can occur. When people feel heard, they become more receptive to your ideas and more willing to consider your perspective. As the famous psychologist Carl Rogers noted, "When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to perceive my world in a new way and go on."

Chapter 5: Make the Other Person Feel Important

Every person you meet craves a feeling of importance. This desire runs so deep that psychologist William James called it "the deepest principle in human nature." When you satisfy this hunger in others, you tap into a powerful force that transforms relationships and opens doors that might otherwise remain closed. Charles Schwab, who earned a million dollars a year as president of United States Steel when there was no income tax, attributed much of his success to this principle. "I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess," Schwab said. "The way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement." He made a habit of finding something to sincerely praise in his employees' work, making them feel valued and important. This approach isn't manipulation - it's recognition of a fundamental human need. Everyone from diplomats to kings has used this principle throughout history. When an elderly woman showed George Eastman, founder of Kodak, around her home, he expressed genuine interest in her French antiques and Italian paintings. He listened attentively as she shared stories about her treasures. His sincere appreciation made her feel so important that she offered to give him her prized Packard automobile - a gift he politely declined. To apply this principle effectively, look for sincere ways to make others feel valued. Use simple courtesies like "please," "thank you," and "I appreciate your help." When someone provides service, acknowledge their effort specifically rather than taking it for granted. A post office clerk with a monotonous job brightened visibly when a customer sincerely complimented his hair, turning a routine transaction into a pleasant human connection. Remember that importance comes in many forms. For some, it's recognition of their expertise or experience. For others, it's acknowledgment of their personal qualities or contributions. Listen for clues about what matters to each individual, then find authentic ways to affirm those aspects. Be generous with your attention. When speaking with someone, focus completely on them rather than scanning the room for more important people. Remember details they've shared previously and follow up on them in future conversations. This demonstrates that you value them enough to remember what matters in their lives. Avoid the temptation to correct, criticize, or one-up others in conversation. Instead, look for opportunities to highlight their knowledge, insights, or accomplishments. When you make others the star of the interaction rather than yourself, you create goodwill that returns to you multiplied. As Emerson wisely noted, "Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him." When you approach others with this attitude, seeking to discover and acknowledge their importance, you create connections that enrich both their lives and yours.

Chapter 6: Appeal to Noble Motives

People generally prefer to act from honorable motives rather than selfish ones. When you appeal to these higher aspirations, you tap into a powerful source of motivation that simple self-interest cannot match. This principle recognizes that beneath our practical concerns lies a desire to see ourselves as good, principled individuals. J. Pierpont Morgan observed that people usually have two reasons for doing things: one that sounds good and the real one. The wise approach is to address both, but to emphasize the nobler motivation. This isn't manipulation - it's acknowledging the complexity of human motivation and speaking to our better nature. Hamilton J. Farrell demonstrated this principle when dealing with a tenant who threatened to break his lease. Rather than threatening legal action, Farrell appealed to the man's sense of honor and integrity. "We are either men or monkeys," he said, "and the choice usually lies with ourselves." He expressed confidence in the tenant's character, saying, "I still believe you're a man of your word and will live up to your contract." Touched by this appeal to his better nature, the tenant reconsidered and decided to honor his lease. Similarly, when Lord Northcliffe wanted newspapers to stop publishing an unflattering photograph, he didn't demand compliance based on his own preferences. Instead, he wrote, "Please do not publish that picture of me anymore. My mother doesn't like it." By appealing to respect for motherhood - a widely shared value - he achieved his goal without arousing resentment. To apply this principle effectively, first identify the noble motives that might resonate with the person you're addressing. These might include fairness, integrity, compassion, excellence, responsibility, or service to others. Then frame your request or suggestion in terms that connect with these values. When a credit manager needed to collect overdue bills from customers who disputed specific charges, his traditional approach of arguing about who was right created resistance. He changed his strategy to appeal to the customers' sense of fairness. "I want you to know I also feel this matter has been badly mishandled," he would say. "Because you are fair-minded and patient, I'm going to ask you to do something for me." He would then request that they adjust the bill themselves, as they would if they were the president of his company. Five out of six customers gave the company the benefit of the doubt when approached this way. This approach works because it honors people's desire to see themselves as principled individuals. When John D. Rockefeller Jr. wanted photographers to stop taking pictures of his children, he didn't cite his own preferences. Instead, he said, "You know how it is, boys. You've got children yourselves, some of you. And you know it's not good for youngsters to get too much publicity." By appealing to the photographers' concern for children's welfare, he gained their cooperation. Remember that appealing to noble motives must be sincere to be effective. People quickly detect manipulation. The goal isn't to exploit values but to genuinely connect with the higher aspirations that motivate most people when given the opportunity. When you consistently appeal to these better angels of human nature, you'll find people responding with their best selves.

Chapter 7: Let Others Save Face

Preserving dignity is a fundamental human need. When people feel their self-respect is threatened, they become defensive and resistant to change. Conversely, when you help others maintain their sense of importance and dignity - even when correcting mistakes or disagreeing with them - you create an environment where positive change becomes possible. General Electric demonstrated this principle masterfully when they needed to remove Charles Steinmetz from heading a department. Steinmetz was a genius in electricity but ineffective as an administrator. Rather than embarrassing him with a demotion, they created a new title - Consulting Engineer of the General Electric Company - for work he was already doing. This preserved his dignity while solving the organizational problem. Steinmetz was happy, and so were the officers of G.E. This approach recognizes that public humiliation creates lasting wounds. When we ride roughshod over others' feelings or criticize them in front of peers, we may win the immediate battle but lose the larger war of cooperation and goodwill. As Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wisely noted, "I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself." To apply this principle effectively, become sensitive to situations where people's self-image might be at stake. When someone makes a mistake, avoid public correction when possible. If you must address the issue with others present, find ways to do so that maintain the person's dignity - perhaps by mentioning similar mistakes you've made or by focusing on the solution rather than the error. Marshall A. Granger, a certified public accountant, transformed how he handled seasonal layoffs by focusing on preserving dignity. Rather than the standard abrupt dismissal, he took time to praise each employee's specific contributions before explaining the seasonal nature of the work. "You've got the stuff - you're going a long way, wherever you're working," he would tell them. "This firm believes in you, and is rooting for you." This approach transformed bitter departures into positive transitions, with many employees returning eagerly when needed again. When disagreeing with someone's ideas, look for elements you can honestly praise before suggesting alternatives. Begin with phrases like "I understand your perspective" or "I appreciate your thinking on this" before offering different viewpoints. This creates a climate where disagreement doesn't threaten identity. Remember that allowing others to save face extends to forgiveness as well. When someone acknowledges a mistake, respond with grace rather than pressing your advantage. This encourages honesty and learning rather than defensiveness and cover-ups. The principle applies equally in personal and professional contexts. Parents who correct children privately rather than embarrassing them publicly, managers who coach employees confidentially rather than criticizing them in meetings, and friends who address concerns one-on-one rather than in groups all demonstrate this wisdom. By consistently helping others maintain their dignity, you create relationships characterized by trust and openness rather than defensiveness and resentment. This doesn't mean avoiding necessary corrections or difficult conversations - it means handling them with awareness of the human need for respect and self-worth.

Summary

The art of making others feel important represents perhaps the most transformative skill you can develop in your relationships. Throughout these chapters, we've explored how sincere appreciation, genuine interest, remembering names, active listening, highlighting importance, appealing to noble motives, and preserving dignity all contribute to this fundamental art. As Dale Carnegie wisely observed, "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." Begin today by choosing just one of these principles and applying it consciously in your interactions. Perhaps start with active listening - put away distractions and give someone your complete attention. Or practice sincere appreciation by identifying specific qualities you genuinely admire in those around you. As you experience the positive responses these approaches generate, you'll find yourself naturally incorporating more of these principles into your daily life, creating a virtuous cycle of improved relationships and expanded influence. Remember, the ability to make others feel important isn't just a social skill - it's a profound expression of emotional intelligence that enriches both your life and the lives of everyone you touch.

About Author

Loading...

Dale Carnegie

Dale Carnegie was an American writer and teacher of courses in self-improvement, salesmanship, corporate training, public speaking, and interpersonal skills. Born into poverty on a farm in Missouri, he was the author of How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936), a bestseller that remains popular today. He also wrote How to Stop Worrying and Start Living (1948), Lincoln the Unknown (1932), and several other books.One of the core ideas in his books is that it is possible to change other people's behavior by changing one's behavior towards them.

Read more