How to Work with (Almost) Anyone

How to Work with (Almost) Anyone Plot Summary

Introduction

I remember vividly the day my relationship with my manager began to transform. We'd been working together for months, with decent results but a persistent undercurrent of tension. Then came a difficult project that pushed us both to our limits. One afternoon, as frustration peaked, she surprised me by asking, "What would make our working relationship better?" That simple question opened a door to an honest conversation that completely reshaped how we collaborated. The quality of our relationships determines so much of our success and happiness, yet most of us leave these crucial connections to chance. We dive into the work, hoping things will naturally fall into place, and then feel disappointed when misunderstandings, conflicts, or simply a lack of connection emerges. The truth is that great working relationships don't just happen—they're deliberately constructed through understanding, communication, and regular maintenance. Whether with a boss, colleague, client, or team member, the ability to build safe, vital, and repairable relationships is a skill that can transform our work experience and dramatically improve our outcomes.

Chapter 1: The Keystone Conversation: Foundation for Thriving Partnerships

In architecture, a keystone sits at the top of an arch, bridging the two sides and locking them together in stable equilibrium. Without it, the arch collapses. Similarly, in relationships, a Keystone Conversation creates the foundation that allows a partnership to bear weight, stay healthy, and grow stronger over time. I witnessed the power of this concept during a consulting project with a technology company. Two department heads—marketing and product development—had a history of miscommunication and tension. Their teams were siloed, and projects consistently stalled at the handoff point. When I suggested they have a Keystone Conversation, both were skeptical but willing to try. We started with a simple framework of five essential questions: What's your best? What are your practices and preferences? What can you learn from successful past relationships? What can you learn from frustrating past relationships? How will you fix it when things go wrong? The marketing director, initially reserved, shared how she thrived when given context and the bigger picture before diving into details. The product head revealed his preference for starting with concrete specifications and working outward. This single insight about their opposite approaches to information processing immediately explained years of frustration. As they continued through the questions, they discovered more insights. The marketing director performed best when given time to process information before making decisions, while the product head valued quick, impromptu brainstorming sessions. Both had experienced past relationships where these preferences were either honored or ignored, with predictable results. Most importantly, they discussed how they would address inevitable conflicts when they arose. The Keystone Conversation isn't just about exchanging information—it establishes shared responsibility for the relationship. It creates permission to continue talking about the relationship in both good times and challenging ones. And it deepens understanding of the person across the table, moving beyond incomplete stories we create about who they are. The conversation between these two leaders didn't solve every problem overnight, but it created a new foundation. Six months later, their teams were collaborating more effectively, projects were moving smoothly, and both reported feeling more satisfied with their working relationship. The keystone had locked their arch together, creating stability where there had been fragility.

Chapter 2: Amplifying Strengths: What Makes You and Others Shine

The documentary Free Solo follows Alex Honnold as he climbs El Capitan, a 3,000-foot granite wall in Yosemite National Park, without ropes. What's remarkable isn't just the climb itself, but the years of preparation behind it. Honnold didn't simply show up and scramble up the wall—he trained obsessively, choreographed every move, and practiced endlessly until he knew precisely where every hand and foothold would be. Similarly, when Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay made their historic first ascent of Mount Everest in 1953, they spent six weeks going back and forth, establishing camps, exploring routes, and acclimatizing before their final summit push. Both stories illustrate people experiencing peak moments that intertwine natural talents with focused practice and the right context to express what took a lifetime to develop. While most of us aren't seeking high-mountain glory, we all have the opportunity to discover our talents, work toward mastery, and understand when we're at our best. That's why the first question of the Keystone Conversation asks: "What's your best?" It invites you to identify your peak moments, talents, and conditions where you thrive. A fundamental choice when dealing with change is whether to focus on what's not working or what is. The general bias leans toward fixing problems, but there's wisdom in amplifying what's already working. How do you take what's good and make it louder, brighter, better? How do you build pathways rather than fill potholes? Your strengths encompass technical, emotional, and relational talents. But being good at something doesn't automatically make it a strength. As Marcus Buckingham explains, "A strength is an activity that strengthens you. It draws you in, it makes time fly by while you're doing it, and it makes you feel strong." You can be skilled at something that drains rather than energizes you—what might be called the curse of competence. When you and another person share what brings out your best, you gain invaluable information about how to structure your work together. This creates the foundation for a relationship where both can thrive, leveraging genuine strengths rather than merely assigned responsibilities.

Chapter 3: Steady Patterns: Understanding Work Preferences and Habits

Bill Bryson's book A Short History of Nearly Everything explains how our unusually large moon stabilizes Earth's axis, creating consistent seasons that allowed civilization to develop. Without this steadying influence, our planet would wobble erratically, making agriculture and settlement nearly impossible. In other words, we wouldn't be reading this now if not for the Moon's solid work over billions of years. Like our planet, you too have a steady axis and keep a steady beat. Parts of you may be erratic and random, but there are ways in which you're thoroughly predictable and solidly consistent. You travel your own ruts and grooves. The second question of the Keystone Conversation asks you to make those patterns explicit: "What are your practices and preferences?" I once worked with two executives who couldn't understand why their collaboration was so difficult despite their mutual respect. During their Keystone Conversation, the first revealed he was an extreme morning person who did his best thinking before 9 AM, while the second admitted she didn't fully engage until after 10 AM and often had her best insights late in the day. They had been scheduling all their important meetings at 8:30 AM—precisely when one was at his peak and the other was barely functioning. Another revelation came when discussing communication styles. The first executive processed information by talking through it, thinking out loud to reach conclusions. The second needed quiet time to reflect before responding. Their different approaches had created a pattern where one felt the other was dominating conversations, while the other felt her colleague was withholding input. Over time, you've developed and refined your work patterns. Some practices you're aware of—they're common sense to you but possibly quirky to others. Other practices remain unconscious until you're asked to identify them. A Best Possible Relationship can't accommodate every preference, but understanding them allows you to see where practices align or conflict, and how you might accommodate differences. When these executives adjusted their meeting schedule and communication approach, their working relationship improved dramatically. The morning person handled early urgent matters alone, they scheduled important discussions for mid-day, and they built in reflection time before decisions. These simple adjustments, based on understanding steady patterns, transformed their partnership.

Chapter 4: Learning from Success and Failure: Relationship Wisdom

When filming videos, lighting makes all the difference. While some pimples are obvious and easily addressed, the really painful ones hide beneath the surface. In the same way, our relationship patterns—both successful and painful—often operate below our conscious awareness but profoundly influence our interactions. The third and fourth questions of the Keystone Conversation invite us to examine these patterns: "What can you learn from successful past relationships?" and "What can you learn from frustrating past relationships?" These questions help us extract wisdom from previous experiences. I coached a manager who couldn't understand why her relationship with a key team member was deteriorating despite her best efforts. When we explored her successful past relationships, a pattern emerged: she thrived with people who gave her direct, unvarnished feedback. In contrast, her frustrating relationships involved people who sugarcoated issues or avoided confrontation. With this insight, she realized her current team member was likely withholding concerns out of a desire to be respectful. Similarly, examining past difficulties revealed her own tendency to withdraw when feeling criticized rather than engaging with the feedback—a pattern that created distance precisely when connection was most needed. This awareness allowed her to proactively request specific feedback and communicate her commitment to staying engaged even when conversations became uncomfortable. We often underestimate our role in relationship dynamics. The self-serving cognitive bias means we give more weight than is due to our own role in successes, while placing more blame on others for failures. By systematically examining both successful and frustrating relationships, we gain balanced insight into patterns we perpetuate. When the manager shared these insights with her team member during their Keystone Conversation, it created an opening for the colleague to express his own patterns. He revealed that in previous jobs, direct feedback had been used punitively, making him hesitant to be forthright. Their mutual understanding of these patterns allowed them to create new agreements about communication that honored both their needs. The wisdom we extract from past relationships isn't just about what others did—it's about recognizing our own contributions to success and failure. This balanced perspective becomes invaluable when building new relationships or repairing existing ones.

Chapter 5: The Repair Framework: Fixing What Inevitably Breaks

Climate change in Australia has increased devastating fires. When fires reach a certain size, they become untameable and travel with extraordinary speed. Fires swept up to the outer suburbs of Canberra in 2003, and the scars remain visible. In 2020 it happened again, turning skies orange with smoke and threat. One management approach is pre-emptive burning—using Indigenous wisdom stretching back thousands of years to burn off undergrowth and reduce fuel for future fires. Just as fires ignite in the Australian bush, moments will come when your Best Possible Relationship is threatened. Sometimes pre-emptive work is required, sometimes you're dealing with a small flare-up, and sometimes the conflagration is larger. An active commitment to repair maintains relationships, ensuring that burns don't become permanent damage. The fifth question of the Keystone Conversation acknowledges this reality: "How will you fix it when things go wrong?" This question can be awkward to address, but your answers are only the second most important thing. Most crucial is the shared recognition that things will break, and preparing for that reality. I worked with two co-founders whose partnership had deteriorated over several months. Small misunderstandings had compounded until they were barely speaking. When they finally addressed the situation, they realized neither had a framework for repair. Both had assumed that mentioning problems would make them worse, so they said nothing as tensions grew. During their belated Keystone Conversation, they developed simple repair practices: a weekly check-in specifically about their relationship; permission to use the phrase "something feels off" when sensing tension; and a commitment to address issues within 24 hours rather than letting them fester. Most importantly, they acknowledged that conflict was inevitable and not a sign of failure. The conversation was uncomfortable, with both admitting vulnerability they'd previously hidden. The first founder shared that she withdrew when feeling criticized, while the second confessed he became controlling when anxious about outcomes. These insights allowed them to recognize early warning signs and adjust their approach accordingly. Relationship repair isn't about avoiding all breaks—it's about having the tools and understanding to fix them when they occur. By creating shared language and expectations around repair before problems arise, you transform potential relationship-ending moments into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.

Chapter 6: Maintenance Practices: Keeping Relationships Alive and Vital

When I showed an early version of this framework to a friend, a senior executive at a Silicon Valley company, she suggested I acknowledge how much bravery and energy it takes to invest in relationships. This approach isn't the norm in most organizations, and if you've felt skeptical about whether this is possible, you're not alone. Maintaining a Best Possible Relationship requires ongoing attention. Just as gardens need pruning and weeding, engines need fine-tuning, and houses need cleaning, relationships require regular upkeep. The Keystone Conversation is just the beginning—maintenance ensures the relationship stays safe, vital, and repairable. Six principles guide successful maintenance. The first three concern your mindset: Stay curious (recognize you never have the complete picture), stay vulnerable (share what matters), and stay kind (remember you're both doing your best). The final three address rhythm: Adjust always (make small corrections as conditions change), repair often (address damage quickly), and reset as needed (occasionally refresh the relationship). I witnessed these principles in action with a leadership team I advised for several years. After their initial Keystone Conversations created breakthrough understanding, they established simple maintenance practices that kept relationships strong. They began meetings with a quick check-in about what was working well, normalized phrases like "I notice something feels off" when tensions arose, and conducted quarterly relationship reviews alongside their business reviews. When a major market shift created unprecedented stress, these maintenance practices proved their worth. One executive noticed another withdrawing during critical discussions—a pattern they'd previously identified as his stress response. Instead of interpreting this as lack of commitment, she named the pattern and checked in. This simple act prevented weeks of potential misunderstanding and maintained their collaborative effectiveness during a crucial period. Perhaps most impressive was their willingness to occasionally reset relationships entirely. When roles changed or after particularly difficult projects, they would have abbreviated Keystone Conversations to refresh their understanding and agreements. One leader described these resets as "relationship spring cleaning"—clearing accumulated dust and refreshing what had become stale. The maintenance process begins with orientation—taking time to understand what's really happening before acting. This includes separating facts from judgments, feelings, and wants, and recognizing whether you're in a "one up" or "one down" position relative to the other person. With this wider perspective, you can choose the most effective maintenance approach for each situation.

Chapter 7: Difficult Relationships: Working with Those You Don't Click With

The curse of competence traps many talented professionals. They become stuck doing what they're good at but not fulfilled by, because collapsing "good at" into "fulfilled by" is annoyingly easy. When you're skilled at something you don't enjoy, you become manacled by your own abilities. People give you those tasks because you do them well, you assume they're yours to do because you excel at them, and you don't fully trust others to handle them properly. This dynamic appears frequently in difficult working relationships. I consulted with a brilliant analyst who had been promoted to team lead. While exceptional with data, she struggled to connect with her team members, particularly one colleague whose communication style differed dramatically from her own. Her initial response was to double down on what she knew best—producing more detailed analyses and instructions—rather than addressing the relationship itself. When they finally had a Keystone Conversation, the breakthrough came when discussing their different approaches to work. The analyst revealed she was detail-oriented and preferred explicit, comprehensive instructions. Her colleague explained he was big-picture focused and felt micromanaged by detailed directives. More revealing was their discussion of past frustrating relationships, where both admitted to similar patterns—the analyst withdrawing into technical precision when feeling uncertain, and her colleague becoming vague when feeling controlled. What makes this example particularly powerful is that they didn't particularly like each other, and never developed a warm personal connection. But through the Keystone Conversation, they built something more valuable—a Best Possible Relationship based on mutual understanding and respect for their differences. They established clear agreements about how to communicate effectively despite their contrasting styles and created simple repair mechanisms for when misunderstandings occurred. Not every working relationship will be fantastic, but nearly every one could be better. A Best Possible Relationship doesn't require personal chemistry or friendship—it requires honest communication about how you work, what you need, and how you'll navigate difficulties together. Even with people you don't naturally click with, this framework provides a path to productive, respectful collaboration. The radical nature of this work shouldn't be underestimated. When you initiate these conversations, you're disrupting current expectations of how hierarchy, power, and leadership function. It will feel unusual and unexpected—and that's precisely why it's transformative. As William Gibson observed, "The future is already here—it's just not very evenly distributed." When you adopt these methods, you're choosing to be the future.

Summary

Throughout history, humans have sought connection and understanding. Yet in our professional lives, we often leave our most important relationships to chance, hoping they'll naturally develop into something satisfying and productive. The framework presented for Building Best Possible Relationships offers a deliberate alternative—a structured approach to creating working relationships that are safe, vital, and repairable. The journey begins with the Keystone Conversation, where five essential questions lay the foundation for understanding: What's your best? What are your practices and preferences? What can you learn from successful past relationships? What can you learn from frustrating past relationships? How will you fix it when things go wrong? These questions unlock insights that typically remain hidden beneath the surface of our interactions, creating shared responsibility for the relationship's health and permission to continue discussing how you work together. But the conversation is just the beginning—relationships require maintenance through principles of curiosity, vulnerability, kindness, adjustment, repair, and occasional reset. The result is partnerships that can withstand pressure, navigate conflict, and continue to evolve and flourish over time. As we navigate increasingly complex work environments, perhaps the most valuable insight is that relationship quality isn't fixed or predetermined—it's something we can actively shape through honest communication and ongoing attention.

About Author

Loading...

Michael Bungay Stanier

Hi - I'm a book reader, writer and lover.I'm best known for *The Coaching Habit*, the best-selling book on coaching this century. (Close to a million copies sold!)I'm also the host of the podcast *2 Pages with MBS* where brilliant people read the best two pages of a favourite book.

Read more

Related Books by Michael Bungay Stanier

Loading...

The Coaching Habit

Michael Bungay Stanier

Say Less, Ask More &amp, Change the Way You Lead Forever

★★★★½4.5

Loading...

How to Begin

Michael Bungay Stanier

A Proven Plan to Start Something That Matters

★★★★☆4.4

Loading...

The Advice Trap

Michael Bungay Stanier

Be Humble, Stay Curious &amp, Change the Way You Lead Forever

★★★★½4.6