How to be Love(d)

How to be Love(d) Plot Summary

Introduction

The sunset painted the sky in hues of orange and pink as I sat on the park bench, watching a young couple share an ice cream cone. They laughed as it dripped down their fingers, carelessly wiping it away before leaning in for a kiss. I felt that familiar ache in my chest—not jealousy exactly, but a longing for something I couldn't quite name. Love had always seemed like a distant country I could never quite reach, a place where others vacationed freely while I remained stuck at the border, passport in hand but entry denied. This journey through love's wilderness is one we all undertake, though our paths differ wildly. Some trek confidently through its terrain, while others of us stumble through underbrush, getting caught in the thorns of our own insecurities and past wounds. The author takes us deep into this wilderness, showing us that finding love isn't about discovering perfect terrain but learning to navigate the rough spots with grace. Through stories of heartbreak and triumph, failed relationships and moments of profound connection, we discover that true love isn't found in the absence of brokenness but often within its very cracks. The wilderness isn't something to escape but to traverse—with courage, vulnerability, and the willingness to see our wounds not as disqualifications for love but as the very doorways through which authentic connection might finally enter.

Chapter 1: The Courage to Let Go: A Breakup's Hidden Lessons

The tears streamed down my face as I sat on her living room floor, unable to look her in the eyes. The puppy we had adopted together played between us, oblivious to the gravity of the moment. I had rehearsed this conversation countless times in my head, planning to explain calmly why our relationship needed to end. But now, faced with her pain, words failed me. "Have you made a decision?" she asked softly. I kept my head down, fixated on the patterns of the rug. "I'm scared to hurt you," I finally admitted. "I'm scared I wasted your time. I'm scared of hurting my mom and letting everyone down. I'm just scared." When I gathered enough courage to look up, I saw the most gut-wrenching pain on her face. Yet even in her suffering, she showed remarkable strength and kindness. "You have to decide and do what's right for you," she said through tears. "Maybe we can just take more space... but if this is what you need to do, then decide that." The puppy, sensing our distress, brought over a bandanna to play tug-of-war, creating a surreal contrast to our breaking hearts. My fiancée looked at our pet and whispered, "I just don't want to break up our family. When I see her, I see you." I had come to realize that although she loved me intensely and unconditionally, I wasn't able to receive or honor that love. Instead, I had been treating her love as permission to behave poorly without consequences. The truth was, there are always consequences. I needed to work on myself—not to be in a healthy relationship, but simply to live with myself. Letting go of someone who loves us completely can feel counterintuitive, even cruel. Yet sometimes, the most loving act we can perform is releasing someone from the burden of our unresolved struggles. The wilderness of love teaches us that true courage isn't just in staying when it's difficult, but in leaving when staying would harm both souls. Through the author's painful experience, we learn that love doesn't always culminate in forever, and that's okay. Sometimes, the greatest lesson love offers is knowing when to open your hands and set each other free.

Chapter 2: Between Big L and Small L: Navigating Love's Dimensions

Aubrey Marcus, my friend and human optimization expert, taught me to differentiate between "Big L love" and "Small L love." Big L love is that all-encompassing, life-changing rush of emotion that fills every part of your being. It's the love we feel when holding a newborn niece and seeing the universe in her eyes. Small L love, however, is the quick fix of attention and affection we chase when Big L love seems elusive—the validation from social media, winning an award, or having a wedding. One evening in Cusco, Peru, I found myself overwhelmed during an ayahuasca ceremony. The visuals were intense, my stomach was in pain, and fear consumed me. I begged the nurse for sedatives. With calm composure, she simply advised, "It's going to be okay, just focus on the love." Frustrated, I replied, "I don't know what that means, just give me something." She repeated, "Just focus on the love." In desperation, I began repeating in my head, "Love love love love love love Mom." My mother's face appeared in my mind, and I started to calm down. I thought, "Mom loves me, Mom is love, focus on Mom." Years later, I realized that my mother wasn't love itself—she was simply a pathway to love that was always there. People are access points to love, doors through which we experience what has always existed within and around us. Some doors open wider than others, especially when we've invested time in relationships, but none of them are the source of love itself. This understanding transforms how we approach relationships. We're not "in love with" people; we're simply "in love," and others help us realize that state. When we understand this distinction, we free ourselves from the desperate belief that only one person holds our salvation. We can have unlimited pathways to love—through people, yes, but also through activities, nature, art, and community. The difference between Big L and Small L love isn't just semantic—it's fundamental to how we approach our emotional lives. When we stop chasing the immediate gratification of Small L and open ourselves to the expansive experience of Big L, we discover that love isn't something to find but something to realize. It flows through all things, and our task isn't to capture it but to remove the barriers that prevent us from experiencing its constant presence.

Chapter 3: Pathways Not Destinations: Why Love Is a Journey

"Eight hundred dollars! That's how much I paid for the car to begin with! This was supposed to be like $150 max to fix!" I shouted at my father. When I wasn't home, he had towed my old Plymouth Sundance to a repair shop, and now I was stuck with an unexpectedly large bill. The argument quickly escalated until my father said those words that would ignite a family crisis: "If you don't like it, get out." "Fine," I replied, and immediately began stuffing my belongings into garbage bags. I called a friend for a ride and prepared to leave home for good. My father hadn't expected this reaction. As I moved toward the door, my mother stood in the way, confused and worried. My father approached, saying, "Don't leave." But my stubbornness matched his. "You already told me to," I replied, throwing my bags over the backyard fence and hopping it to escape. For nearly two weeks, I crashed on various friends' couches, planning to leave town permanently. Then my sister called with news that broke my resolve: "Mom's not eating anymore. I'm not telling you what to do, but I thought I'd let you know." When I finally spoke with my father and returned home, he barely acknowledged my existence for almost a year. We were like strangers sharing a space. Eventually, time smoothed things over, but we never discussed the fight. Fifteen years later, while having dinner with my sister and niece, the story came up in conversation. As I recounted the tale, my sister revealed something I never knew: "I don't think you know this, but once you left the house, Dad gave me a blank check and told me if you called to give you anything you needed." This revelation transformed my understanding of that painful memory. My father's love wasn't spoken—it was acted upon. Even in his anger, he tried to take care of me from afar. His generation lacked the emotional tools for expressing love verbally, but that didn't diminish its presence or power. Love isn't a destination we arrive at with perfect clarity and perpetual bliss. It's a path we walk daily, often stumbling through misunderstandings and unspoken feelings. Media teaches us that everything culminates in a "happily ever after" ending, but real life follows a more cyclical pattern. We don't graduate from love's challenges; we continue to encounter them in new forms. The journey itself becomes the reward, not some imagined finish line. As we walk this path with others, we discover that love often speaks in dialects we must learn to recognize—sometimes in harsh words that mask care, sometimes in silent gestures that speak volumes, and always in the perseverance that continues even when the path grows difficult.

Chapter 4: Self-Love as Your Own Best Friend

I can be a great friend to others and horrible to myself. I'm sick of my own excuses, flaws, and inconsistencies. Like you, I sometimes feel others have their lives together much more than I do. I admire people I want to be like, who seem more confident, nicer, more organized, and easier to be around. Because of this, I'll put their needs before mine, think carefully before speaking to them, make room for their bad moments, and try to help them however I can. I can be a great friend to them, and I started to wonder what would happen if I was a better friend to myself. We all treat others better than we treat ourselves. We take care of our loved ones more than we take care of ourselves, and that's because we really love them. But self-love isn't reserved for meditation gurus or intermittent fasters—it's simply treating ourselves the way we treat those we love. With our loved ones, we don't question whether they're worthy of our love, and rarely do they actually do things to make that love fade away. So why not apply that same principle to ourselves? Let's be our own best friend. Let's accept ourselves despite our flaws with minimal judgment. Let's be our biggest cheerleader. Let's praise ourselves, laugh at ourselves, honor our needs, and spend quality time with ourselves. Like a real best friend, let's listen to, trust, and forgive ourselves. When we go through difficult times, let's ask, "What would I do if I were supporting a friend in this situation?" Sometimes the answer might be offering a shoulder to cry on, lending an ear to vent to, or providing a safe space to be distracted. Other times it might mean advocating for our own side of the story or calling ourselves out on our mistakes. This isn't as easy as it sounds. It's often simpler to be a friend to others than to befriend ourselves, but heading in that direction with the intention of strengthening self-friendship will do wonders for experiencing more love. There's no one-size-fits-all recipe for self-love, just as there's no universal definition of a best friend. Sometimes self-love means firmly telling yourself to get out of bed, while other times it means gently encouraging yourself to get extra sleep because your body needs rest. We aren't perfect friends, and our friends aren't perfect either, but we can still love them and ourselves just the same. By redirecting the compassion we so readily offer others back toward ourselves, we create a foundation of love that flows outward, enriching every relationship we touch.

Chapter 5: When Listening Becomes Love

After she signed the lease for her new apartment, she came over excitedly showing me a diagram on her phone of how she planned to arrange her furniture. This was her first place of her own, and she'd carefully measured everything and found affordable pieces she loved. My immediate response? I criticized her decision to put a rug by the couch, arguing that with her new puppy, it wasn't practical before the dog was house-trained. The enthusiasm drained from her eyes. She put her phone away and said, "I didn't ask you whether I should put down a rug. I just wanted to share something I was excited about." That conversation became the catalyst for our eventual breakup. I'm a shitty listener. As a debater, I listen closely, but only to find holes in arguments. I hear what people say without truly listening to them. Since exploring the idea of listening more deeply, I've become aware of how often I interrupt others or stay quiet only to prepare my next point, not to absorb what they're sharing. We've all complained about not being heard, but rarely do we examine our own failure to listen. Because I don't listen well, I miss opportunities for deeper connection with those I care about. To love is to understand, and to understand is to listen. In our distraction-filled world, truly listening is one of the most precious gifts we can offer. Everyone feels valued around a generous listener; it feels amazing to be heard because it means we're seen and that we matter. When we connect on this level, we feel safe and can grow further. Listening heals. It creates space and shares your presence. Generous listening allows us to experience empathy abundantly. When we're fully present with someone, we get the clearest glimpse of what it feels like to be them. The more we listen, the more we understand; the more we understand, the less we judge. This applies not just to how we interact with others but also to how we relate to ourselves. When we become better at listening to others, we naturally improve at hearing our own inner voice. The path to deeper love begins with a simple yet profound shift: closing our mouths and opening our ears. It requires turning our bodies toward the speaker, putting away distractions, and making them the focus of our attention. It means asking questions instead of offering solutions, paraphrasing to ensure understanding, and acknowledging fear without judgment. True listening isn't passive—it's one of the most active forms of love we can practice, creating bridges between souls where walls once stood.

Chapter 6: The Art of Loving with Eyes Wide Open

I arrived at the sushi restaurant on time and waited for ten minutes before texting her: "I'm at the table in the back corner." She called immediately, apologizing that she was in a work meeting and subtly suggesting I should have confirmed our plans beforehand. This was the third time this "mistake" had happened. After taking a few hours to collect my thoughts, I sent her a voice message: "Hey, with all love and respect, don't worry about making it up. This has happened before, and it doesn't feel good. I know you didn't mean it maliciously, but you also put it on me to remind you of plans we made together. I enjoy spending time with you, but this isn't behavior I want to get used to. I wish you all the best." We can love someone without blinding ourselves to their flaws. The over-romanticized idea of love portrayed in movies sets an unrealistic standard of unconditional acceptance, making us believe something must be wrong if we notice imperfections. In reality, everyone we love, including ourselves, has shortcomings and moments of disappointing behavior. Acknowledging these truths doesn't disqualify us from experiencing love—it actually deepens our capacity for authentic connection. Loving with eyes wide open means we don't enable harmful patterns just to maintain a relationship. We can love a family member who's bad with money without lending them cash. We can love someone struggling with addiction while maintaining our boundaries. We can recognize someone's self-centered tendencies without pretending they don't exist. To love with open eyes is to acknowledge the humanity in everyone while still directing love their way. If those people try to make us feel guilty for not validating harmful behavior, we can choose to love ourselves enough to strengthen our boundaries. I know my own flaws and shortcomings, but I still treat myself with kindness. This doesn't mean indulging my vices—it means being compassionate when I make mistakes while encouraging myself to grow. Many people believe that pointing out problems means we don't love someone enough. But the opposite is true: real love sees clearly and chooses to stay anyway. It doesn't require perfection but does require honesty. You're not a hero for enduring unhealthy dynamics, nor are you selfish for walking away when necessary. Love thrives not in blindness but in clear-sighted acceptance of what truly is. When we see others as they really are—complex, flawed, and beautiful—we create space for the most profound form of love: one that embraces the whole person, not just the parts that are easy to love.

Summary

Through the terrain of heartbreak, reconciliation, and self-discovery, we find that love isn't something to achieve but something to practice daily. The author's journey reveals that love flourishes not in the absence of difficulty but in how we navigate those challenging moments. By distinguishing between the fleeting highs of attention and the enduring warmth of genuine connection, we learn to recognize love's authentic presence in our lives. The wilderness of love teaches us three essential truths: First, love begins with how we treat ourselves—becoming our own best friend and speaking to ourselves with the same compassion we offer others. Second, love thrives in awareness, not blindness—seeing others clearly while choosing connection despite imperfections. Finally, love manifests through action—through listening deeply, forgiving genuinely, and creating pathways that allow love to flow freely between ourselves and others. The journey through love's wilderness doesn't end with finding perfect terrain but with developing the courage to traverse the landscape as it is—beautiful in its brokenness, vast in its possibilities, and always inviting us deeper into its heart.

About Author

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Humble the Poet

Humble the Poet (Kanwer Singh) is a Canadian-born rapper, spoken-word artist, poet, internationally bestselling author, and former elementary school teacher with a wildly popular blog with over 100,000 monthly readers. He has more than 930,000 social media followers, and his first edition of Unlearn is a Globe and Mail bestseller. He has performed at concerts and festivals including Lollapalooza and has been featured in major media including BuzzFeed and Huffington Post.

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