Keep Showing Up

Keep Showing Up Plot Summary

Introduction

I sat cross-legged on our bedroom floor, tears streaming down my face, wondering where a wife goes to resign. Six weeks into marriage, and I was already experiencing buyer's remorse—or more accurately, "bridal remorse." The romantic honeymoon phase had crashed headlong into reality, and everything in me wanted to quit. This wasn't what I signed up for. Where were the candlelit dinners? The surprise bouquets? The moonlit strolls? Instead, our first apartment was filled with burnt meals, arguments, and lonely walks—not hand-in-hand, but storming away from each other after yet another disagreement. Marriage is meant to be magical and fulfilling, right? At least that's what I believed when I walked down the aisle, having highlighted all those marriage books during college until my pink pen ran out of ink. But the reality I faced was starkly different from my dreams. There was no infidelity or abuse, no financial crisis or major catastrophe—just the shocking discovery that marriage is incredibly difficult. Over time, I've learned two profound truths that have anchored me through decades of matrimony: marriage is hard, and it's not about me. These simple but transformative insights have helped me move from wanting to resign to choosing to re-sign my commitment daily, finding purpose not just in a harmonious relationship but in the journey of becoming more like Jesus together.

Chapter 1: The Reality Check: Marriage is Hard and It's Not About Me

When I was a little girl, my friend Ann and I would play with our Barbie dolls on the front porch. Between us, we had several female dolls but only one Ken, so we had to take turns sharing the only husband we had. When Ken was my Barbie's husband, they enjoyed quiet evenings at home in the Barbie DreamHouse or exciting vacations in the fancy aqua camper. But one thing they never did? They never fought. This idealistic view of marriage wasn't just reinforced through childhood play. The couples on television rarely fought, or if they did, conflicts were neatly resolved within thirty minutes. Even many real-life marriages I observed seemed picture-perfect. Setting such sky-high expectations only set me up for disappointment when my own marriage turned out to be anything but a smooth ride. The reality is that today's culture doesn't support marriage or encourage couples to stay together through difficult times. In the past, marriages had external supports—like flying buttresses on cathedrals—that helped hold them together. Society expected marriages to last, and divorce was considered taboo. Now, those external structures are gone. Instead, marital breakups are sometimes celebrated. I've been told by marriage counselors that roughly 50 percent of couples who walk down the aisle today think in the back of their minds that if they become disenchanted, they can simply throw in the bouquet and walk away. What makes marriage particularly challenging is that we are fallible creatures living in a fallen world. My husband and I received troubling news during our premarital counseling: personality tests showed that less than 5 percent of marriages with our specific personality profiles end up lasting. This sobering reality taught me an important truth: it takes two people to create a strong Christian marriage, but it takes only one person to break it up. I couldn't control my husband's behavior, but I could determine that—with God's help—I would keep my vows even when his habits drove me nuts or when storms rocked our relationship. Your marriage is a message, and people are watching you preach. The sacred truth shown in Scripture is that marriage illustrates the relationship between Christ and the church. By loving your spouse faithfully, you showcase God's redemptive plan to those in your sphere of influence. Will you dare to love, serve, and sacrifice, doing it only for an audience of One? Everything in life—even your life as a wife—all comes down to you and Jesus.

Chapter 2: Embracing Your Sandpaper Spouse: Growing Through Differences

"You work only thirty hours per week," my husband stated matter-of-factly during an argument about who should pay the bills. Though he was simply stating a fact—I worked fewer hours than he did—I mentally highlighted the word "only" in neon green, taking it as an implication that I wasn't pulling my weight. This is just one example of how I've often formed equations in my mind: Husband's behavior = His thoughts about me. The most troublesome equation I've struggled with for nearly three decades is this: Different = Wrong. I assumed that because my husband approached situations differently than I would, he was wrong. Whether it was how we paid bills, interacted with in-laws, parented our children, or communicated—our differences became a constant source of friction. It wasn't until my good friend Mary cared enough to address this issue that I realized my equation was all wrong. "Oh, Karen," she said in her sweet, encouraging voice, "if you and Todd think exactly the same about everything and handle every situation in the exact same manner, then one of you is unnecessary. Your marriage doesn't need two Karens; it needs one Karen and one Todd." Her words marked the beginning of a monumental shift in my marital thinking. Different isn't wrong. It's just different. This swing in philosophy didn't happen overnight or without great effort on my part. If hidden cameras were set up in my home, they'd still catch me pacing back and forth, preaching to myself, "Different is just different. It is not wrong." In his book "What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage," Paul David Tripp describes this beautifully: "One way God establishes beauty is by putting things that are different next to each other... The striking beauty of a marriage is when two very different people learn to celebrate and benefit from their differences and to be protected from their weaknesses by being sheltered by the other's strength." Our marriage relationship can be like twill fabric—a woven textile with a pattern of diagonal and parallel ribs that combine to create a finished product having two distinct sides. When two very different spouses come together as one, yet each retains their distinctiveness, the results can be a thing of strength and beauty. Like twill, your marriage can shed the spots and stains of irritations and transgressions, and it can be flexible and pliable, shaping itself to suit both of your needs. I've come to think of Todd as my sandpaper spouse. He just plain rubs me the wrong way sometimes with his oh-so-different-from-me ways of doing things. But what if we were to flip the script and view things that rub us the wrong way as tools that can help rub off our rough edges? As Proverbs 27:17 states, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." The rough patches in our personalities can help us sharpen each other in the areas of love, compassion, and patience.

Chapter 3: The Trio of Trouble: Baggage, Expectations, and Perceptions

Our first spat as husband and wife wasn't during our honeymoon—it was at the altar, and it was all inconveniently caught on tape. During the closing song of our ceremony, I expected Todd and I to be holding hands and facing our congregation, both of us smiling joyfully. What I wasn't prepared for was what I saw out of the corner of my right eye: my new husband looking as if he were at a funeral rather than our wedding. Embarrassed, I gently squeezed Todd's hand and whispered, "Smile." When he didn't respond, I squeezed harder and repeated my command. He answered back under his breath, "I am smiling," and a weak grin began to slowly wash over his face. Later, he explained that he had been smiling, but his face started to hurt from holding it in the same position for so long. For a few brief seconds, he ditched the smile to rest his facial muscles—and I happened to look over at that exact moment. This slight fight was just the first of many during our inaugural year of marriage. The conflicts centered around one or more of three repeating components: baggage, expectations, and perceptions. When we enter into marriage, each of us brings along emotional baggage—unpleasant experiences from our past we can't seem to get over, unhelpful thought patterns we've developed over the years, and views of ourselves formed as a result. Some of this baggage we packed ourselves; other pieces were tucked away by others when they made us feel a certain way about ourselves or our choices. Then there are expectations. My experience with fishing illustrates this perfectly. My first fishing trip was at a trout farm, where I caught a nineteen-inch rainbow trout almost instantaneously after casting my line. I thought all fishing was this fast and fruitful. When my next fishing experience on a Wisconsin lake proved dramatically different—with hours of waiting and no fish—I decided fishing wasn't for me. Similarly, our interactions in marriage can be disappointing directly due to our expectations based on what we experienced in the past. The third component is perception—a thought, opinion, or belief based on appearance. It might not be at all true in reality, but the person viewing the situation believes it to be. I once had a neighbor who would sometimes ignore my friendly greetings while gardening. I wrongly perceived him as rude until I learned he was completely deaf and couldn't hear me when his back was turned. Any one component of this trio—emotional baggage, unmet expectations, or wrong perceptions—can cause or worsen conflict in your marriage. But sometimes all three are present, packing an awful 1-2-3 punch. To navigate these challenges, we must believe the best rather than assume the worst, ask clarifying questions instead of jumping to conclusions, describe our feelings while recognizing they aren't always based on facts, and grant grace without an expiration date.

Chapter 4: Choosing Duet Over Duel: Healthy Conflict Resolution

Marriage is a sticky situation. I've heard it described in terms of a bottle of adhesive: two souls united—glued together if you will—attempting to pry them apart will cause great damage. This is a great analogy, as long as the right adhesive is used. Think of J-B Weld, a hardware store product—an epoxy adhesive that can withstand extremely high temperatures. It's sold in a package with two tubes of adhesive that are entirely different materials. When mixed, a chemical reaction occurs, creating a bond that is strong and lasting. When a husband and wife are joined together in holy matrimony, you have two people who, in substance, are not at all alike. Over time, when each not-like-the-other individual equally pours out their hearts, their thoughts, even their annoyances with each other, something happens. The heat of conflict—when mixed with forgiveness and grace—can bond two distinct individuals into a rock-solid, united team. Todd and I have disagreed about numerous issues over the years. (We just had a tiff ten minutes ago!) Our first few years included me sometimes creating conflict where none existed because I like a good fight now and then—to debate and prove I'm right. We've used slightly salty or sarcastic words when voicing our differences and had huge verbal brawls over issues of parenting. But even though these heated interactions seem detrimental, they aren't. Something happens when two very opposite people get all mixed up in the normal skirmishes of marriage: you get stronger. In John 16:33, Jesus says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." When dealing with marital conflict, we need to stop asking "Why?" and start asking "So what do I do now? How do I respond?" The answer is found in Christ. In knowing him, spending time with him, and allowing him to chisel away the hardness in our hearts. I recently surveyed over a thousand women about their marriage challenges. The top five areas of conflict were: communication (67%), finances (52%), parenting (37%), competing with technology for attention (36%), and sex (36%). Other common struggles included workaholic spouses, family busyness, blended family issues, caring for aging parents, spiritual differences, and pornography. While I can't address all these issues, I can offer tools for healthy conflict resolution. First, expect trouble. Jesus said it will come, so stop being surprised when it does. Second, establish guidelines that help prevent squabbles, such as bringing up issues before they fester, not discussing problems when someone is headed out the door or overly tired, and regularly asking if either spouse feels offended by anything. When conflicts do arise, follow these "fighting fair" rules: refrain from using superlatives like "always" or "never," avoid bringing up past issues, express feelings rather than attacking actions, stick to facts without colorful adjectives, don't assign motives, agree to disagree when necessary, speak truth lovingly, seek common ground, practice compromise, remember your spouse is not the enemy, pray through issues, and be willing to apologize and forgive. As we learn to work through differences and handle conflict in a healthy way, our bond solidifies. It doesn't always get easier, but we learn to hang in there and face the heat together. Our love learns to last.

Chapter 5: Finding Magic in the Mundane: Reframing Love and Romance

Isn't it the sweetest thing to spot a young couple who appear intoxicated with love? The way they look into each other's eyes dreamily, their slight and constant smiles warmly washing across their faces. I watched one such couple recently at a local café. They spoke kindly to each other, were hyperfocused on one another, and showed not a hint of frustration the entire time they sat there. My brain couldn't help but contrast them with another couple my husband and I observed a week prior—a mid-thirties pair who looked as though they would rather be scrubbing garbage cans than spending time together. They exchanged cross words, barely made eye contact, and seemed totally disinterested in each other. When met with the routine and repetitiveness of life, our relationships may follow suit—becoming rather perfunctory themselves. Familiarity doesn't just have the potential to breed contempt; it also can bring about boredom. Our dating days were characterized by newness. Isn't it easy to get excited about something brand-new? But maybe the solution isn't to look outward for something fresh and unfamiliar. Perhaps the solution comes by looking at our same old relationship with fresh eyes, discovering the magic in the mundane. One day we wake up and realize that The Righteous Brothers were right when they crooned, "You've lost that lovin' feelin'... now it's gone, gone, gone." How do we go backward and regain those ushy-gushy feelings? In my opinion, we can't go back and have those exact same feelings again. They were somewhat based on the excitement we felt due to the newness of our relationship. The inability to go back and meet your mate all over again isn't the only trouble with capturing a feeling of love and affection. A great deal of the difficulty lies in the fact that we have a warped view of romance. Our culture tells us that love is full of tingly feelings, experiences peace and harmony, unfolds in settings of beauty, is characterized by expensive gifts, means knowing your partner so well you can finish each other's sentences, comes easy, and is a warm puppy. In Greek—the native tongue in which the New Testament was written—we find four words for "love": phileo, storge, eros, and agape. Phileo is affection or friendship. Storge is natural, familial love. Eros is passionate, self-centered love based on chemistry and desire. And agape is unconditional love given not based on someone's deservedness but despite their behavior. Agape is where it's at! The supernatural love that originates with God. The kind that's a choice. That loves despite, not because of. That isn't tied to emotions but is rooted in our wills. This is the type of love described in 1 Corinthians 13. Agape love is an action—not a feeling—that endeavors to display to another human being the unconditional love of God. True love isn't a man who will race through the rain down a crowded city street to passionately embrace his wife, beseeching her to return after a lovers' quarrel. Real romance doesn't come with a hefty price tag. True love is the steadfast presence of your lover, the willingness to stick it out when things get rocky. It demonstrates love when no one else is looking. It seeks to lighten the other's load and understand the other's feelings. I've learned to appreciate when my husband comes home with a neon-stickered, supermarket spray of on-clearance roses. His way of impressing me now lies in getting those babies at the lowest price possible. Better yet, my heart flutters when he stops while weeding to pick a rogue daisy from the herb garden, knocks on the back-deck door, and presents it saying sheepishly, "I like you." Throughout the seasons of marriage, romance "seasons"—it grows up and matures. We can learn to notice the quiet gestures of love when we stop looking for the flashy and obvious long enough to notice the unassuming and inconspicuous instead.

Chapter 6: The Mission Beyond Ourselves: Discovering Your Couple Purpose

Every year without fail, somebody I know has a senior graduating from high school. Here in my hometown, such graduations are no small happenings. When receiving monetary gifts at their open houses, our kids were required to do two things: send a handwritten thank-you note to each person and be prepared to answer the question that would be asked of them dozens of times that day: "What do you plan to do with your life?" This question isn't just asked of recent grads. Even as small children, we were probably asked more than a time or two what we wanted to do when we grew up. But now that we're adults, are our dreaming days over? No, not at all. Don't quit your daydream. Grab your spouse's hand, and together you can find a new one. The mission of marriage is to make the relationship of Christ and the church come alive. However, each marriage is a blend of two distinct individuals who come together to form a team uniquely qualified to carry out a mission locally. You and your spouse have a combined set of strengths, passions, gifts, and opportunities that—when harnessed properly—can be used by God to spread the gospel and meet the needs of others around you. My friend Liz Curtis Higgs and her husband, Bill, form such a lineup. Bill says, "I've always maintained that a marriage should create an entity that is bigger than the two individual participants... Bill and Liz ought to be something more than Bill by himself or Liz by herself. I think we've managed to accomplish that on some level." Working together on something designed solely to benefit others also benefits your marriage and helps you see why God put you together in the first place. You are a unique blend of two individuals not found anywhere else, a crew that can experience an exciting ministry God has tailor-made for you. How do you discover this mission? First, look for the pain. Our ears are often shut to the heart cries of others, but when we pause to notice people in pain—whether it's loneliness, dashed hopes, isolation, or feeling forgotten—we can begin to brainstorm ways to reach out to them. Second, look for your old self. Reach back to challenges and struggles you personally faced, then find people experiencing similar difficulties and spread kindness their way. For the last five years, our home has often been filled with teenagers, many being raised by single parents or traveling between homes. We wanted our house to feel like a second home to these teens. When they felt free to flop on our couch, they also felt free to open up and talk. We've had the joy of processing life with many of them, sharing about Jesus, and we've seen two of them recently give their lives to Christ and be baptized. To discover your unique calling as a couple, ask questions like: Are there areas where we already have a ministry together? Who in our community is in pain? How could our interests or hobbies be used to help others? In what ways could we use our home or possessions for ministry? How might we include our children in these efforts? Don't expect an instant revelation. It's a gradual process of clarification that may change over the years. Start with prayer, then action, and be open to God's direction as you labor side by side serving others. Remember Psalm 34:3: "Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together."

Chapter 7: Building Your Safety Net: The Community Connection

Recently, I stumbled upon a link to a video someone had created and posted on YouTube—a short collection of selected scenes from the classic film Mary Poppins. Dubbed "Scary Mary," this recut version looks like a trailer for a horror film, with Mary sometimes peering out windows, or dark gloomy skies overshadowing the screen. By choosing only the seemingly dark and dreary parts, the video creator was able to make you believe something totally untrue. When thinking about our own marriage, we often selectively retrieve memories of events and interactions with our spouse, recalling only the worst of times. Then we string the "clips" together in a mash-up of memories that paint our marriages in a ghastly light! We must not let our minds craft our own "Scary Marriage" movie, but instead: (1) intentionally focus on the good times and (2) learn to reframe the bad times in a fresh light. Instead of looking only for the bad in our marriage, we can implement a powerful practice: look for the good—and give thanks for it! Sometimes, when I'm trying to cool off in the aftermath of a heated discussion with Todd, one of our wedding mementos will catch my eye, reminding me of our vows and that my marriage was designed to display the gospel to a watching world and to make me godlier, not giddier. The hard realities of marriage should drive us to God's Word and to prayer. These times of trouble can be the exact place where God meets us in our despair and teaches us what it means to suffer, survive, and grow spiritually stronger. Billy Graham once observed, "Mountaintops are for views and inspiration, but fruit is grown in the valleys." God is able to produce the fruit of the Spirit in you when you let him work on refining your faith, even in the spiritual valleys. Beyond our personal spiritual growth, we need community—a safety net of relationships that helps us maintain a "keep showing up" attitude in marriage. "We need more spotters!" I used to call to the girls on my cheerleading squad. A spotter is someone who stands ready, arms outstretched, to assist if a person starts to wobble. They can prevent falls and ultimately injuries. A little more than a decade ago, Todd and I facilitated a small group of eight couples studying marriage. Today, half of those couples are no longer married to each other. Half! Looking back, we can see warning signs that some were beginning to wobble. This left us pondering: Could we have done something to help? What can we do to prevent something like this from happening to us? In each of the heartbreaking situations we've witnessed, it was a series of increasingly detrimental choices that led to the breakup of the marriage. I never assume I have a guarantee that my marriage will last. I pray it will and work toward doing my part, but I am ever cognizant that it takes two people to make a great marriage, but only one to break it up. To help ensure that we make choices aligned with God's will, we all need spotters. Work toward setting up safety nets: a few close female friends who share your goal of a healthy, God-honoring marriage; a couple with whom you and your mate regularly process life; and one trusted friend who will serve as your "locked box" for honest sharing. These relationships must be in real life (IRL), not just online (URL). We need people who see us interact with our husband and can keep us accountable. As Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 reminds us: "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." When you experience authentic Christian community, you will be following what Hebrews 10:24-25 encourages: "Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another."

Summary

Throughout this journey exploring the realities of marriage, we've discovered that the path to a lasting, fulfilling relationship isn't about finding perfection in our spouse or ourselves. It's about embracing the grit and grace of daily commitment—choosing to show up even when feelings fade, conflict erupts, or boredom sets in. Marriage becomes beautiful not despite our differences but because of how these differences shape us when we allow God to use them as tools for spiritual growth. The transformative power of marriage lies in its ability to refine us. As my friend Cindy beautifully expressed after working through devastating infidelity in her marriage: "I trusted God when it felt normal and when it felt abnormal. Basically, I never gave up—through the pain, through the devastation, through the turmoil. Most of all, I learned that had I never needed comfort, I would not have known my Comforter." When we reframe even our most difficult marital moments as opportunities for spiritual development rather than reasons to resign, we discover that God is using our marriage to make us more like Jesus. The struggles become sacred ground where God meets us, teaches us to forgive as we've been forgiven, and empowers us to love unconditionally. Like the magnificent lilac bush blooming in an obscure field where few can see it, your faithful commitment to your marriage may not draw a crowd, but it remains a stunning display of growth and life nonetheless.

About Author

Loading...

Karen Ehman

Read more