Let's Talk

Let's Talk Plot Summary

Introduction

Imagine a workplace where people eagerly seek feedback rather than dread it. Where critical conversations become opportunities for growth rather than sources of anxiety. This vision might seem far-fetched when we consider how most feedback exchanges unfold in our professional lives - awkward, tense, and often leaving both parties feeling worse than before they started. The truth is that feedback isn't just about delivering information; it's about creating connections that foster growth and improvement. When delivered effectively, feedback can transform relationships, elevate performance, and create environments where people thrive. The challenge lies not in recognizing the importance of feedback but in mastering the art of giving it in ways that people can truly hear and apply. Throughout the following chapters, we'll explore practical strategies that turn feedback from something we avoid into a superpower that enhances every professional relationship.

Chapter 1: Distinguish Between Appreciation, Coaching and Evaluation

Feedback is not a one-size-fits-all approach. When we lump all forms of feedback together, we create confusion that undermines its effectiveness. The key to transformative feedback begins with distinguishing between three distinct types: appreciation, coaching, and evaluation. Appreciation is acknowledging someone's efforts, behaviors, or qualities that benefit the work and team. When you express appreciation, you're essentially saying, "I see you. You matter. You belong here." Take Dave, who worked at a tutoring center helping students with everything from algebra to literature. One day, his manager Dorothy approached him after he'd reluctantly convinced a parent not to withdraw her struggling daughter from the program. Instead of simply nodding approval, Dorothy told Dave, "You did that. That was all you. That little girl has a second shot at success now, and that's all you." This moment transformed Dave's understanding of his impact. Fifteen years later, he still gets emotional when recalling how Dorothy's recognition made him realize he could genuinely improve someone's life. Coaching, by contrast, aims to help someone adapt, pivot, learn, and grow. It ranges from simple advice to transformative guidance. When Juan, an HR manager for a hotel chain, observed a front desk clerk named Madeline being reprimanded for not making an emotional connection with a guest, he took a different approach than her general manager had. Rather than merely instructing her on what she should have done, Juan asked questions: "Talk to me. What happened?" He learned the guest had explicitly stated she was late for an important call and needed her key immediately. With this understanding, Juan helped Madeline brainstorm how she might still create a connection, leading her to write a thoughtful note to the guest, who later wrote a stellar review mentioning Madeline by name. Evaluation lets people know where they stand. It might be a ranking, rating, or comparison to peers. Crystal, who excelled at fundraising, applied three times for a director position but was repeatedly turned down with vague explanations like "You're doing a great job; it's just not the right fit." Only after seeking feedback from a board member did she learn that her bold gold jewelry was perceived as incompatible with the organization's image of careful stewardship. While this feedback should have been given much earlier, it illustrates how evaluation clarifies expectations and standards. To implement this distinction in your conversations, start by asking what kind of feedback would be most helpful right now. "Do you want to (A) discuss what I appreciate most about your work, (B) get some coaching, or (C) find out where you stand?" This simple question ensures you're giving the feedback they're ready to receive. Remember that new employees generally need more appreciation than coaching or evaluation, while experienced team members often crave coaching to refine their skills. Every employee needs all three types of feedback, but timing matters. Appreciation and coaching work best when immediate, while evaluation conversations should happen periodically to update someone on their standing and prospects. By recognizing which type of feedback is needed in each situation, you transform potentially confusing or frustrating conversations into meaningful exchanges that drive growth.

Chapter 2: Side with the Person, Not the Problem

When giving feedback, your mindset profoundly influences how your message is received. The most common mistake managers make is approaching feedback conversations with their attention focused on the problem rather than the person experiencing it. This subtle shift in perspective makes all the difference between feedback that builds bridges and feedback that burns them. Consider Maura, a manager at an upscale fitness club in Los Angeles. One of her instructors, Samantha, offered a goddess-movement yoga class that consistently drew low attendance. After observing the class herself, Maura realized that the corporate clientele simply didn't connect with Samantha's nurturing approach - they wanted high-intensity workouts that "shred" or "blast." When it came time to let Samantha go, Maura didn't just focus on the low numbers. Instead, she said, "I really enjoyed your class. I can see you put your heart and soul into it. Unfortunately, the type of members who come to this club just don't get it. Your people—and you have people—they're not here." She continued, "Look, if this is what you do, if this is who you are, then by all means, go be you. Just don't try to fit into this little box here, because this is not you." At first, Samantha was upset at being fired. But a year later, she saw Maura and gave her a hug. "If we hadn't had that conversation," she explained, "I never would have had the motivation or the confidence to create my own style and brand. I built a whole business around it. I just want to thank you for helping me realize my potential." By siding with Samantha rather than just focusing on the attendance problem, Maura helped her see a path forward that aligned with her authentic strengths. To adopt this person-centered mindset, start by understanding the person's goals. What are they trying to achieve? Do they want to be trusted with bigger clients? Are they hoping for a promotion? When you know what matters to them, you can frame feedback in relation to those aspirations. For example, instead of saying, "You're too critical in meetings," you might say, "I know you want to be trusted to work with our biggest client. When you shoot down other people's ideas in meetings, it makes people question whether you're ready for that responsibility." Another key aspect of siding with the person is focusing on specific behaviors rather than character traits. When we perceive an issue, we often jump to labeling someone: "Leon is unprofessional" or "Zoe thinks she's smarter than everyone else." These character assessments feel like attacks on identity. Instead, describe the specific behavior: "When you start a conference call talking about your wild weekend in Vegas, it comes off as unprofessional" or "I've noticed you often roll your eyes when someone asks a question." When you genuinely side with the person, feedback conversations become collaborative problem-solving sessions rather than judgments or criticisms. You're looking at the problem together, not positioning yourself as the arbiter of right and wrong. This approach makes people feel supported rather than scrutinized, increasing the likelihood they'll be receptive to your perspective and motivated to change.

Chapter 3: Make Your Good Intentions Explicit

When delivering challenging feedback, what seems obvious to you may be completely invisible to the person receiving your message. Even with the best intentions, feedback that addresses performance issues or behavioral concerns can trigger defensive reactions that block genuine communication. The solution? Make your good intentions explicit from the start. Therese Huston shares a powerful personal story from her graduate school days. Her adviser Marlene called her in to discuss her plan to take a research position at a medical center. During their conversation, Marlene unexpectedly said, "You have one of the best minds for research design that I've ever worked with. But you can't write." Therese began to cry as Marlene continued, "I want you to be happy. I want you to enjoy your work and be good at it. If you take this job, I'm concerned you're going to be miserable." This painful feedback led Therese to turn down the position and instead focus on developing her writing skills - a decision that eventually led to her becoming a successful author. Looking back, Therese identifies that simple phrase "I want you to be happy" as the turning point that made the harsh feedback bearable. By explicitly stating her good intentions, Marlene transformed what could have been a devastating criticism into valuable guidance. Years later, they remained friends, with Therese eventually inviting Marlene to her wedding. Research confirms the power of stated intentions. In one revealing study, researchers discovered that when we receive bad news, we tend to "shoot the messenger" - not only disliking the bearer of bad news but assuming they had malevolent motives. However, when the messenger explicitly stated they hoped for a positive outcome, recipients viewed them much more favorably, even when the news remained disappointing. To apply this principle effectively, connect your intentions to something the other person values. When addressing Anna's negative attitude, her manager said, "I want you to be an inspiring leader in the worst of situations." For Elijah, who struggled with presentations, his manager explained, "I want to give you the chance to show you're a strategic thinker and that you know the data inside and out." These personalized intentions show you've thought about what matters to the individual. The key is authenticity. If you have mixed intentions - perhaps you need Carla to improve her work for the team's sake, not just her own development - find the genuine intersection between your needs and theirs. You might say, "I want you to be as successful as a manager as you are as an individual contributor" or "I don't want any red flags for you. When other people think of you, I want them to say 'Carla is great,' full stop." This approach might feel awkward at first, but the impact is worth the momentary discomfort. By explicitly stating your good intentions, you help the other person construct a more accurate story about why they're receiving feedback. Instead of assuming you're out to get them, they can focus on the path forward that you're genuinely trying to illuminate.

Chapter 4: Listen Like Your Job Depends On It

Most people think giving feedback is all about finding the right words to say. But the most powerful tool in any feedback conversation isn't what you say - it's how well you listen. When someone feels truly heard, they become dramatically more receptive to your perspective and suggestions. Consider the contrasting approaches of two hotel managers. When a front desk clerk named Madeline failed to make an emotional connection with a rushed guest, her general manager immediately offered feedback: "Make eye contact, ask where she's coming from, foster customer loyalty." The clerk nodded politely but felt misunderstood. Later, HR manager Juan took a different approach. "I just saw what happened, and I imagine something is up. Can you tell me more?" At first, Madeline insisted everything was fine, but Juan persisted gently: "Talk to me. What happened?" Finally, she explained that the guest had explicitly stated she was running late for an important call and needed her key immediately - the last thing she wanted was conversation. Juan validated her judgment: "You're right. You did the right thing." Then he asked, "So how do you make an emotional connection now?" This question sparked Madeline's creativity, leading her to write a thoughtful note to the guest, who later wrote a stellar review. The difference between these approaches illustrates why listening must precede advice. When we feel powerful - as managers naturally do in feedback conversations - our brains actually function differently. Neuroscientists have discovered that power impairs our ability to take others' perspectives. In one fascinating experiment, participants were asked to draw the letter E on their foreheads. Those primed to feel powerful tended to draw it readable to themselves but backward to others, while those with less power drew it so others could read it correctly. This "power squeeze" makes it harder for managers to understand their employees' perspectives. To overcome this natural limitation, ask more questions before offering advice. Harvard researchers found that people who asked at least nine questions in a fifteen-minute conversation were liked significantly more than those who asked four or fewer. Particularly valuable are follow-up questions on the same topic, which demonstrate genuine interest. Instead of immediately telling Zach he seemed unprepared for a client meeting, you might ask, "That's uncharacteristic for you. What happened?" or "I'm curious - what's not working from your perspective?" The questions you ask should activate what neuroscientists call the "reward circuit" in the other person's brain. This happens when you connect your feedback to the person's goals and aspirations. When you say, "I know you've been wanting to work abroad. A good opportunity has come up to gauge how well you fit with the U.K. office," you trigger positive emotional responses that make the person more receptive to your coaching. A particularly effective question format comes from researchers Guy Itzchakov and Avi Kluger: "I wonder what would happen if you chose to do X?" This phrasing invites curiosity rather than defensiveness and moves you into joint problem-solving. Instead of commanding, "Start your presentation with a story, not data," you might say, "I wonder what would happen if you chose to lead with a story about one of your most challenging clients?" Remember that the goal of listening isn't just to gather information - it's to create psychological safety. When employees feel safe to discuss mistakes and challenges without judgment, they learn faster and perform better. By listening first and advising second, you transform feedback from something people endure into something they actively seek.

Chapter 5: Recognize Strengths to Build Confidence

In our rush to fix problems, we often overlook the power of recognizing what's already working well. Yet research consistently shows that acknowledging people's strengths doesn't just make them feel good - it fundamentally transforms their performance and engagement at work. Dave, a tutor at an academic center, experienced this transformation firsthand. After convincing a reluctant parent to keep her struggling daughter in their program, Dave's manager Dorothy didn't just nod approval. She approached him with intensity, saying, "You did that. That was all you. That little girl has a second shot at success now, and that's all you." What's more, Dorothy continued telling everyone in the office about Dave's impact for weeks afterward. Fifteen years later, Dave still gets emotional recalling this moment, which made him realize for the first time that he could genuinely improve someone's life. Research confirms what Dorothy intuitively understood: appreciation isn't just nice to have - it's necessary for peak performance. Gallup has found that employees who don't receive recognition for good work are three times more likely to quit within a year. Even more compelling, a global study by the ADP Research Institute discovered that the highest-performing teams receive praise first, then perform well - not the other way around. When teams received recognition at an earlier time point, the correlation with high performance later was four times stronger than when high performance came first, followed by recognition. To harness this power, distinguish between two types of strengths. "We-strengths" elevate the entire team, like Courtney's persuasive pitching that brings in bigger clients. "Me-strengths" energize the individual, putting them in a flow state where they lose track of time because the work is so intrinsically satisfying. The highest-performing teams worldwide share one common factor - each team member agrees with the statement "I have the chance to use my strengths every day at work." The ratio of praise to criticism also matters enormously. Middle-performing teams typically receive about two positive comments for every negative one, which seems reasonable. But researchers at the University of Michigan discovered that the highest-performing teams - those with the greatest profits and customer satisfaction - received a whopping 5.6 pieces of praise for every criticism. This creates a safe emotional space where even the quietest team members feel comfortable voicing innovative ideas. When recognizing strengths, specificity is crucial. Vague comments like "Great job" or "You're a real asset" don't provide the reinforcement people need. Instead, connect specific behaviors to tangible outcomes: "Your ability to translate technical terms for customers brought in three major contracts." Research shows women, in particular, receive more generic praise while men get specific recognition tied to business results, so be vigilant about providing equally concrete feedback across your team. To implement strength recognition effectively, schedule regular time for it. One manager sets aside a weekly hour-long block labeled "PREP" - Praise-REPeat. Ask questions to discover each person's strengths: "What sorts of activities do you finish and think 'I'm really looking forward to doing that again'?" or "On your very best workday, the day you think you have the best job in the world - what did you do that day?" Then ensure each person has opportunities to use their strengths daily, even if just for an hour or two. By systematically recognizing strengths, you create a virtuous cycle where confidence breeds success, which in turn builds more confidence. The result isn't just happier employees - it's breakthrough performance that transforms your entire team.

Chapter 6: Minimize Threat for Optimal Learning

Imagine this scenario: You're at a company party and try an unfamiliar food that doesn't agree with your system. After an embarrassing incident, you discreetly leave early. On Monday, you receive a meeting invitation from your boss titled "Your diarrhea incidents" - and your boss's boss is joining too. How would you feel? This fictional example illustrates how threatening feedback can feel when someone has made a mistake or shown a vulnerability. When people feel threatened during feedback conversations, their brains literally shut down key learning functions. Neuroscientists have discovered that stress triggers a rush of cortisol that impairs both memory recall and cognitive flexibility - the ability to switch between different concepts or solutions. Someone under stress might forget crucial details of what happened just yesterday, and they'll struggle to consider alternative approaches beyond their initial defensive position. Michael, for example, missed two important deadlines for financial calculations. His manager assumed he was struggling with numbers and offered help with Excel. But Michael became defensive, because the real issue was that he'd found suspicious data and was tracking down more accurate statistics. By jumping to conclusions rather than asking questions first, the manager created unnecessary threat and resistance. To minimize threat in feedback conversations, David Rock's SCARF model provides a practical framework. SCARF stands for Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, and Fairness - five domains that, when threatened, trigger defensive reactions. Imagine telling Rick, "You're the only person who is late on this project. I heard you left early several days last week. We may need to find someone else to take it over." This threatens all five domains at once, guaranteeing a defensive response. A better approach would boost rather than diminish these domains. For example: "I was just looking at this quarter's statistics, and your client numbers are some of the best in the division. But I'm concerned those high numbers are coming at a cost. What's getting in your way with the Torres proposal deadline?" This acknowledges Rick's status, gives him autonomy to explain, and maintains relatedness by showing you're on his side. Another powerful threat-reduction strategy is to label behaviors, not people. Instead of saying "You're unprofessional, Leon," say "When you start a conference call talking about your wild weekend in Vegas, it comes off as unprofessional." This crucial distinction communicates that the problem is a specific behavior that can change, not an unchangeable aspect of Leon's character. Psychological research confirms that people with a "fixed mindset" - believing their abilities are set in stone - find feedback much more threatening than those with a "growth mindset" who believe they can develop their capabilities. You can encourage a growth mindset with statements like: "In this organization, we value learning and perseverance over ready-made genius. When someone shows they can learn, that's a person I want to invest in." For particularly sensitive issues, like telling an employee they have body odor, follow a structured approach: acknowledge the awkwardness, state your good intentions, make your observation, explain the potential impact on their work or reputation, and then ask for their thoughts. As Fred Rogers wisely noted, "Anything that's human is mentionable, and anything that's mentionable can be more manageable." By understanding the neuroscience of threat and applying these strategies, you transform feedback from something that triggers defensiveness into an opportunity for genuine learning and growth.

Chapter 7: Be Vigilant Against Unconscious Bias

Catherine Nichols had spent months sending her novel to literary agents, receiving only two responses - both rejections with vague comments about her "beautiful writing" but no useful feedback on how to improve. Discouraged and stuck, she decided to try an experiment. She created a new email account under a male name, George Leyer, and sent the identical query letter to agents. The results were stunning: George received responses from seventeen agents, including three who wanted to read the full manuscript. Even more revealing, George received specific, actionable feedback on characters, plot, and pacing - concrete advice Catherine could actually use to improve her work. This experiment vividly illustrates how unconscious bias shapes the quality and quantity of feedback we give. Despite our best intentions, societal biases about gender, race, and other dimensions of identity influence how we perceive people's work and the guidance we offer them. If you want to be fair and develop each team member's full potential, you must actively identify and counteract these biases. Research consistently reveals troubling patterns in workplace feedback. Women receive significantly more vague feedback than men ("You had a great year" versus "Your technical expertise brought in three major contracts") and are three times more likely to be criticized for their communication style. When adults are asked to select words that best describe women, they highlight "warm," "friendly," and "sensitive," while men are described as "athletic," "assertive," and "decisive." These stereotypes infiltrate performance reviews, with women praised for being "helpful" and "enthusiastic" while men are lauded as "innovative" and "visionary." Unconscious biases - learned stereotypes that influence judgment without our awareness - affect everyone, even those committed to equality. On an implicit bias test, 72 percent of adults unconsciously associated men with math/science and women with humanities, while 76 percent linked men with careers and women with family. As Beverly Daniel Tatum explains, these messages are like "smog in the air" - sometimes visible, sometimes not, but always being breathed in. These biases manifest in practical ways. When Katherine Hilton at Stanford University studied interruptions, she found male listeners viewed women who interrupted as more rude, less friendly, and less intelligent than men who interrupted in identical ways. Managers also tend to withhold critical feedback from women out of fear they'll become upset - a phenomenon called "protective hesitation" that ultimately disadvantages women by denying them opportunities to improve. Racial bias in feedback shows equally troubling patterns. Compared to white employees, underrepresented minorities receive more feedback on personal attributes ("pleasant," "nice") and less on competency ("knowledgeable," "thorough"). Research also shows that Black employees are penalized more harshly for tardiness than white employees with identical attendance records. To combat these biases, implement specific strategies: First, recognize your own biases. Take Harvard's Implicit Association Test to uncover unconscious patterns in your thinking. Then be vigilant in reviewing your feedback for bias - are you giving women on your team concrete, specific feedback connected to business outcomes? Are you mentioning at least three competencies for every employee, regardless of their identity? When discussing communication styles, investigate whether complaints about someone being "too aggressive" reflect genuine issues or gender stereotypes. Ask "Too aggressive compared to what?" and look for quantifiable behaviors rather than subjective impressions. For feedback to marginalized employees, use what researchers call the "wise feedback" approach. Explicitly invoke high standards while simultaneously expressing confidence that the person can meet those standards: "I'm giving you this feedback because I have higher expectations and I believe you can reach them." Remember that an unconscious bias may not be your fault, but addressing it is your responsibility. By becoming vigilant against these patterns, you ensure that everyone on your team receives the quality feedback they need to thrive and advance.

Summary

Throughout these chapters, we've explored how feedback can transform from a dreaded obligation into a powerful tool for growth and connection. At its core, effective feedback isn't about finding perfect phrases or following rigid scripts - it's about creating conversations where people feel seen, valued, and empowered to improve. As the author reminds us, "If you could learn how to help people love their jobs and how to achieve their fullest potential, wouldn't you want to do it? You just learned how. Now go do it." The journey to mastering feedback begins with a simple shift in perspective. Rather than viewing feedback as something you deliver to someone, see it as a conversation you create with them. This means distinguishing between appreciation, coaching, and evaluation; siding with the person rather than the problem; making your good intentions explicit; listening deeply before offering advice; recognizing strengths; minimizing threat; and vigilantly checking for bias. By applying these principles consistently, you transform not just individual conversations but your entire approach to leadership. Start today by choosing just one principle from this exploration and implementing it in your next feedback conversation. The impact may be immediate, but the real transformation happens through continued practice and genuine commitment to bringing out the best in those around you.

About Author

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Therese Huston

THERESE HUSTON, PH.D., is a cognitive scientist at Seattle University and the author of four books. Her latest book, "Sharp: 14 Simple Ways to Improve Your Life with Brain Science," helps you make the most of the brain you've got. Whatever your age, we all want to be a little mentally sharper. Therese received her BA from Carleton College and her MS and PhD in cognitive psychology from Carnegie Mellon University. She completed a post-doc in clinical cognitive neuroscience at the Center for the Neural Basis of Cognition and she’s earned a postgraduate certificate in Organizational Leadership from the Said Business School at the University of Oxford. In 2004, she founded the Center for Excellence in Teaching and Learning at Seattle University. Therese has also written for the New York Times and Harvard Business Review and "How Women Decide" was named a summer reading title by Oprah.com.Therese gives talks and leads workshops on how to create more inclusive workplaces. Microsoft, Amazon, Nationwide, Morgan Stanley, the Cleveland Clinic, and TEDX have all asked Therese to give talks on creating more inclusive workplaces. When she’s not writing or speaking, she loves to spend time with her charming and very bright husband and her adorable but not-very-bright Boston Terrier.

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