Likeable Badass

Likeable Badass Plot Summary

Introduction

Professional success hinges on a fundamental distinction that many overlook: the difference between power and status. While power represents formal authority and control over resources, status reflects how much others respect and value us. This distinction explains why many professionals, particularly women, find themselves in paradoxical situations where they achieve positions of authority yet still struggle to have their voices heard and contributions recognized. The status paradox emerges when we focus exclusively on acquiring power while neglecting the equally important dimension of status development. The solution lies in mastering what might seem contradictory: becoming simultaneously assertive and warm—a "likeable badass." This approach transcends the false dichotomy that forces professionals to choose between being respected or being liked. Through strategic self-promotion, cultivating advocates, effective self-advocacy, and deliberate status investment, anyone can build sustainable influence that feels authentic rather than political. By understanding status as a distinct social currency with its own rules of acquisition and deployment, we gain access to a more nuanced and effective approach to professional advancement that aligns with our long-term priorities and values.

Chapter 1: Status vs. Power: Why Respect Matters More Than Authority

Status and power, though often conflated, represent fundamentally different social currencies that shape our professional trajectories in distinct ways. Status reflects how others perceive and value us—the respect, admiration, and esteem we command in social hierarchies. Power, conversely, represents our control over resources and ability to influence outcomes regardless of others' opinions. This crucial distinction explains why many women find themselves in a paradoxical position: despite achieving positions of formal authority, they still struggle to gain the respect and recognition their contributions deserve. The fixation on power acquisition as the primary path to professional advancement has created a significant blind spot. While organizations implement initiatives to increase women's representation in leadership roles, these efforts often fail to address the underlying status disparities that persist even after women attain positions of authority. Research consistently demonstrates that women in identical power positions as men receive less deference, face more interruptions, and must repeatedly prove their competence. These status challenges manifest across industries and organizational levels, from boardrooms to academic institutions. Status operates as a psychological currency that fulfills fundamental human needs for respect and recognition. When our status is threatened or diminished, we experience genuine psychological distress comparable to physical pain. This explains why microaggressions and subtle forms of disrespect—being interrupted, having ideas attributed to male colleagues, or being excluded from important conversations—take such a significant toll on women's professional satisfaction and persistence. The cumulative effect of these status injuries contributes substantially to women's decisions to leave organizations or step back from leadership aspirations. The strategic pursuit of status requires understanding its distinct mechanisms. Unlike power, which can be formally conferred through titles and authority, status must be earned through others' perceptions. This social construction makes status simultaneously more challenging to acquire and more resilient once established. Women who successfully navigate status dynamics find that respect, once earned, creates a virtuous cycle of increased influence, greater autonomy, and enhanced career satisfaction. This explains why focusing exclusively on power acquisition without corresponding status strategies ultimately fails to create sustainable career advancement. Addressing the status gap demands deliberate strategies that differ from traditional power-seeking behaviors. Women must simultaneously demonstrate competence (establishing their value) while navigating complex social expectations around warmth and communality. This balancing act represents the central challenge that subsequent chapters will address: how to authentically build status without triggering backlash or compromising professional effectiveness. By recognizing status as a distinct social currency with its own rules of acquisition and maintenance, women can develop more effective approaches to building sustainable professional influence.

Chapter 2: The Assertive-Warm Matrix: Navigating the Competence-Likeability Bind

The interpersonal circumplex model provides a powerful framework for understanding how others perceive us along two fundamental dimensions: Assertiveness (competence, agency, confidence) and Warmth (likeability, communality, connection). These dimensions create four distinct quadrants of social perception, with the Assertive-Warm quadrant representing the ideal "likeable badass" position that maximizes status and influence. This quadrant combines the respect generated by competence with the connection fostered by warmth, creating a powerful foundation for sustainable status. Women face unique challenges in occupying this optimal quadrant due to persistent gender stereotypes that create a false competence-likeability tradeoff. Research consistently shows that women who display high assertiveness often face backlash for violating warmth expectations, while those who emphasize warmth risk being perceived as less competent. This creates a narrow tightrope where women must carefully calibrate their behaviors to avoid triggering negative stereotypes. The solution lies not in choosing between assertiveness and warmth, but in strategically combining them. The likeable badass approach represents a deliberate strategy to overcome this false dichotomy by simultaneously signaling both competence and warmth. Rather than attempting to downplay one dimension to enhance the other—a common but counterproductive approach—women can develop behaviors that authentically express both qualities. This requires recognizing that assertiveness and warmth are not inherently contradictory but can be complementary when expressed thoughtfully. The key insight is that women don't need to choose between being respected and being liked; they can strategically cultivate both perceptions. Specific behavioral signals strongly influence how others perceive our position on the interpersonal circumplex. Task cues—such as speaking rate, eye contact, verbal participation, and consistency—signal assertiveness and competence. Meanwhile, warmth cues—including appropriate smiling, offering help, using humor effectively, and demonstrating genuine interest in others—establish likeability. By deliberately incorporating both sets of signals into their professional presence, women can position themselves in the optimal Assertive-Warm quadrant. The power of the likeable badass approach lies in its ability to create a positive confirmation bias. Once others perceive someone as both competent and warm, they tend to interpret subsequent behaviors through this favorable lens. This creates a virtuous cycle where initial positive impressions make it easier to maintain status even through occasional missteps. The goal is not perfection in every interaction but establishing a consistent pattern that positions one firmly in the Assertive-Warm quadrant, creating resilience against the occasional deviation. This strategic approach to impression management differs fundamentally from inauthentic performance or "faking it." Instead, it involves thoughtfully selecting which aspects of one's authentic self to emphasize in different professional contexts. Everyone possesses both assertive and warm qualities; the likeable badass strategy simply involves making conscious choices about which authentic behaviors to display in specific situations to maximize effectiveness and status. This represents not manipulation but strategic authenticity—a crucial distinction that allows women to navigate complex social expectations while remaining true to their values and strengths.

Chapter 3: Strategic Self-Promotion: Telling Your Story Without Backlash

Effective self-promotion represents a critical yet often overlooked component of status building. Research consistently demonstrates that others cannot fully appreciate our contributions unless we strategically highlight them. This creates a particular challenge for women, who often face stronger social sanctions for self-promotion than their male counterparts. The solution lies not in avoiding self-promotion but in mastering strategic approaches that effectively communicate value while maintaining warmth. Storytelling emerges as the most powerful vehicle for strategic self-promotion. Rather than viewing self-promotion as bragging, reframing it as sharing valuable information transforms the activity from self-aggrandizement to contribution. This perspective shift allows women to highlight accomplishments while maintaining authenticity and warmth. The most effective professional narratives focus on specific contributions, lessons learned, and value created rather than generic self-praise. This approach shifts the emphasis from personal qualities to concrete impact, making self-promotion both more credible and less likely to trigger backlash. Common self-promotion pitfalls significantly undermine status-building efforts. Hiding or downplaying accomplishments—often motivated by fears of appearing arrogant—prevents others from recognizing value and contributions. Similarly, humblebragging (disguising boasts as complaints) and excessive self-deprecation both backfire, diminishing perceived competence without corresponding gains in likeability. Unnecessary apologies represent another common trap, subtly undermining authority and reinforcing lower status positions. Recognizing and eliminating these counterproductive habits creates space for more effective self-promotion strategies. The "brag and thank" approach offers a particularly effective self-promotion strategy that balances assertiveness and warmth. This technique involves highlighting accomplishments while simultaneously expressing gratitude for others' contributions to that success. For example, sharing a successful project outcome while acknowledging team members' specific contributions allows women to claim appropriate credit while demonstrating generosity and warmth. This approach leverages the psychological principle that gratitude expressions signal both confidence and interpersonal sensitivity. Out-of-office messages, social media profiles, and casual conversations all provide underutilized opportunities for strategic self-promotion. These seemingly minor touchpoints cumulatively shape others' perceptions of our professional identity and value. Crafting these communications with intention—highlighting recent accomplishments, upcoming professional activities, or areas of expertise—creates consistent reinforcement of professional narrative without requiring explicit self-promotion conversations. This "ambient self-promotion" builds status through regular, low-intensity signals rather than infrequent, high-intensity claims. The outsourcing strategy offers a particularly valuable approach for those uncomfortable with direct self-promotion. This involves creating materials (bios, résumés, introductions) that others can use when presenting you professionally. By crafting these materials with strategic emphasis on key accomplishments and contributions, you enable others to promote you effectively without having to engage in direct self-promotion. This approach leverages the psychological principle that information about us is more credible and persuasive when it comes from others rather than directly from ourselves.

Chapter 4: Building Your Advocate Network: The Power of Other-Promotion

Other-promotion—having respected colleagues speak positively about your contributions and capabilities—represents the most powerful status-building mechanism available. When others praise our work, their advocacy carries significantly greater credibility than our own self-promotion. This creates a compelling strategic imperative: systematically cultivating a network of other-promoters who will advocate for your value and contributions when you're not in the room. The mere exposure effect provides a scientific foundation for building other-promotion networks. This psychological principle demonstrates that repeated exposure to a person or idea increases liking and positive evaluation, even without substantive interaction. Strategic application of this principle involves maximizing visibility through consistent presence in professional spaces—attending optional meetings, participating in cross-functional projects, and maintaining regular communication with key stakeholders. These visibility efforts create familiarity that translates into more positive evaluations and increased likelihood of other-promotion. Small deposits—minor contributions that provide value to others with minimal effort—represent the most efficient mechanism for cultivating other-promoters. These micro-contributions might include sharing useful articles, making introductions between colleagues, offering specific expertise on quick questions, or providing encouragement during challenging periods. The power of small deposits lies in their asymmetry: they require minimal investment from the giver while creating disproportionate value for the recipient, triggering the reciprocity principle that motivates future advocacy. Strategic introduction emails emerge as a particularly high-leverage small deposit. By thoughtfully connecting people in your network who might benefit from knowing each other, you simultaneously create value for both parties while positioning yourself as a connector with valuable relationships. The most effective introduction emails include specific, genuine praise for both parties and clear articulation of potential mutual benefit. This approach transforms a simple email into a powerful status-building tool that demonstrates both competence (valuable network) and warmth (generosity in sharing connections). Cultivating other-promoters requires systematic attention to both breadth and depth in professional relationships. While depth creates strong advocates, breadth ensures sufficient coverage across organizational contexts where your reputation matters. This dual focus necessitates efficient relationship-building strategies that allow maintenance of a larger network than would be possible through traditional, time-intensive relationship development. Small deposits provide precisely this efficiency, allowing cultivation of a broader advocacy network than would otherwise be possible. The final component of effective other-promotion involves directly asking advocates to speak on your behalf in specific situations. Many professionals cultivate strong relationships but fail to activate their network when opportunities arise. Directly requesting advocacy—whether for promotion consideration, project assignment, or public recognition—significantly increases the likelihood that well-positioned advocates will speak up at critical moments. This direct approach leverages the psychological principle that people generally want to help but often need clear direction about how they can be most useful.

Chapter 5: Effective Self-Advocacy: Asking Without Undermining Status

Effective self-advocacy—asking for what you want and need professionally—represents a critical status skill that many women approach with unnecessary trepidation. Research consistently demonstrates that women's reluctance to advocate stems not from lack of confidence but from accurate perception of potential backlash. The solution lies not in avoiding advocacy but in mastering approaches that combine assertiveness with strategic warmth to minimize negative consequences while maximizing positive outcomes. The complementarity principle provides a scientific foundation for understanding effective self-advocacy dynamics. Research demonstrates that in interpersonal interactions, assertiveness from one party typically elicits submissiveness from others, creating a natural dominance hierarchy. This means that consistently showing up as assertive gradually conditions others to respond more submissively to your requests. However, unlike assertiveness, warmth tends to be mimicked rather than complemented—warmth from one party typically elicits warmth in return. This creates the optimal advocacy approach: combining assertiveness (to establish dominance) with warmth (to maintain positive relationship quality). Making the first move in negotiations provides a significant strategic advantage that women often unnecessarily surrender. Research consistently demonstrates that the party making the first offer in a negotiation typically achieves better outcomes because their proposal anchors subsequent discussion. By moving first with a proposal that favors your interests, you shape the other party's perception of what constitutes a reasonable outcome. This approach requires preparation and confidence but yields substantially better results than the more common (but less effective) strategy of waiting to hear the other party's offer first. The multiple equivalent offers strategy provides a particularly effective approach for self-advocacy that maintains warmth while maximizing outcomes. This technique involves simultaneously presenting several options that are equally acceptable to you but offer the other party meaningful choice. For example, rather than requesting a specific schedule accommodation, you might present three different scheduling options that would all meet your needs. This approach leverages the psychological principle that people respond more positively when given autonomy in decision-making, even when all options ultimately satisfy your requirements. Answering "what's in it for me?" represents another crucial warmth strategy during self-advocacy. By proactively identifying and articulating how your request benefits the other party, you transform what might otherwise appear as self-interest into mutual advantage. This approach requires thoughtful analysis of the other party's priorities and framing your request in terms that highlight alignment with their goals. For example, when requesting development opportunities, emphasizing how the new skills will benefit the team or organization transforms the request from personal advancement to organizational contribution. The strategic collection of "nos" provides a powerful mindset shift for approaching self-advocacy. This approach involves deliberately seeking rejection through increasingly ambitious requests until receiving ten distinct rejections. This practice accomplishes two valuable outcomes: it desensitizes you to the fear of rejection that often prevents effective advocacy, and it reveals that the boundary between acceptance and rejection typically lies much further in your favor than you might have assumed. Most participants discover they receive far more acceptances than anticipated, demonstrating that advocacy risks are typically overestimated while potential benefits are underestimated.

Chapter 6: Status as Currency: When to Spend and When to Save

Status, once earned, represents a valuable currency that must be strategically invested rather than hoarded. Many women fall into the trap of accumulating status without deploying it effectively—saving their influence for hypothetical future situations that never materialize. This approach ultimately diminishes both current effectiveness and long-term advancement. The alternative involves making deliberate decisions about when and how to spend status capital based on clear long-term priorities. Hard decisions that potentially risk status—speaking up against a superior's position, declining assignments that don't align with career goals, or advocating for controversial changes—create significant anxiety precisely because they might diminish others' positive perceptions. When facing these decisions, two problematic responses commonly emerge: inaction (avoiding any risk to status) or reaction (impulsively spending status based on momentary emotions). Both approaches ultimately undermine long-term effectiveness and satisfaction. The solution lies in developing a decision framework based on future priorities rather than present comfort. The retirement party exercise provides a powerful tool for clarifying long-term priorities that should guide status investment decisions. This approach involves imagining your retirement celebration and identifying the three key contributions and three defining characteristics you most want others to highlight in their speeches. This future-oriented perspective cuts through immediate concerns about status preservation to focus on what ultimately matters most. When facing difficult decisions that might risk status, evaluating options against these long-term priorities provides clarity about which risks are worth taking. The view from the rocking chair exercise offers a complementary approach for clarifying personal priorities that should inform status decisions. This visualization involves imagining yourself in retirement, reflecting on your life, and identifying what elements create satisfaction and fulfillment in that future scenario. This exercise often reveals priorities—relationships, impact, learning—that differ from immediate professional concerns but should nonetheless inform current decisions about status investment. Decisions that advance these deeper priorities justify status risk, while those that don't should be carefully reconsidered. Principled disagreement represents one of the most valuable ways to invest status capital. When you identify situations where speaking up aligns with your core values and long-term priorities, the potential status cost becomes justified by the alignment with your authentic self. This approach transforms potentially risky confrontations from impulsive reactions to deliberate investments in your most important priorities. The key distinction lies in the motivation—disagreeing based on principle rather than ego or emotion typically yields better outcomes and greater personal satisfaction. Status investment decisions become particularly complex when they involve tradeoffs between professional advancement and personal priorities. The motherhood penalty—the documented tendency for mothers to be perceived as less committed and competent—creates difficult choices about when to prioritize family over work. Clear long-term priorities provide essential guidance in these situations, allowing women to make decisions aligned with their authentic values rather than external expectations. This alignment ultimately creates greater satisfaction and sustainability, even when it occasionally requires spending status capital.

Chapter 7: Creating Status Legacies: Mentoring the Next Generation

Mentorship represents both the most powerful accelerator of status development and one of the most underutilized resources for professional women. Research consistently demonstrates that quality mentorship significantly increases advancement rates, particularly for women and underrepresented groups. However, women report substantially lower access to mentorship than their male counterparts. This creates both a challenge and an opportunity: deliberately seeking and providing mentorship can create significant competitive advantage in status development. The fractional mentorship model offers a more effective alternative to the traditional "one perfect mentor" approach. Rather than searching for a single individual who can provide comprehensive guidance, fractional mentorship involves assembling a diverse team of advisors who each contribute specific expertise or perspective. This approach recognizes that different mentors excel in different domains—some might provide excellent career planning guidance while others offer invaluable insights on executive presence or self-promotion. By deliberately cultivating relationships with multiple "imperfect" mentors, women can access more comprehensive guidance than would be possible from any single advisor. Likeable badass mentorship—guidance specifically focused on navigating the complex intersection of assertiveness and warmth—emerges as particularly valuable yet often overlooked. While many mentorship relationships focus exclusively on technical skills or career planning, the most transformative guidance often addresses the nuanced social dynamics that determine status. Mentors who have successfully navigated gender expectations while building strong professional status can provide invaluable insights that accelerate development and help avoid common pitfalls. Deliberately seeking mentors with this specific expertise creates significant advantage. Becoming a mentor yourself represents one of the most powerful status-building strategies available. By sharing expertise and guidance with others, you simultaneously demonstrate both competence (valuable knowledge) and warmth (generosity in sharing). This positions you firmly in the likeable badass quadrant while expanding your influence network. Additionally, the process of articulating guidance for others deepens your own understanding and application of status principles. This creates a virtuous cycle where mentoring others enhances your own status development while creating positive impact for those you guide. Mentorship effectiveness depends significantly on specificity and preparation. When seeking guidance, clearly articulating specific questions or challenges yields substantially better results than general requests to "pick your brain." Similarly, when offering mentorship, identifying your specific areas of expertise allows more focused and valuable guidance. This specificity creates efficiency that enables both broader reach (helping more people) and deeper impact (providing more valuable assistance) in mentorship relationships. The most effective mentors develop systems for sharing their wisdom efficiently, such as documenting frequently requested advice or creating frameworks that apply across situations. The strategic use of social media and digital platforms has transformed mentorship possibilities, enabling both broader reach and greater efficiency. For mentors, these platforms allow sharing insights with a much larger audience than would be possible through traditional one-on-one relationships. For those seeking mentorship, these platforms provide access to wisdom from leaders who might otherwise be inaccessible. This democratization of mentorship creates unprecedented opportunities for status development, particularly for those without access to traditional mentorship networks. Leveraging these platforms—both as mentor and mentee—represents a high-value status strategy.

Summary

The strategic pursuit of status through likeable badass positioning represents a fundamental reframing of professional advancement for women. By recognizing status as a distinct social currency with its own acquisition rules, women can develop approaches that simultaneously demonstrate competence and warmth without triggering backlash. This dual focus creates a virtuous cycle where initial positive impressions generate confirmation bias that reinforces status over time. The most successful practitioners develop systematic approaches to storytelling, other-promotion cultivation, and strategic self-advocacy that align with their authentic strengths while navigating complex social expectations. The ultimate measure of status strategy effectiveness lies not in immediate reactions but in long-term impact aligned with core priorities. By clarifying future contributions and characteristics that matter most, women can make deliberate decisions about when to risk status for principle and when to preserve it for future deployment. This future-oriented approach transforms status from something to be hoarded into a valuable currency for creating meaningful impact. Through deliberate practice, mentorship, and continuous refinement of likeable badass strategies, women can create sustainable professional influence that advances both individual goals and collective progress toward more equitable recognition of contribution and value.

About Author

Loading...

Alison Fragale

ALISON FRAGALE is the Mary Farley Ames Lee Distinguished Scholar of Organizational Behavior at the Kenan-Flagler Business School. Her scholarship has been published in the most prestigious academic journals in her field, and featured in prominent media outlets such as The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, Financial Times, Boston Globe, and Inc. She is the author of the forthcoming book, Likeable Badass, to be published by Penguin Random House on September 3, 2024. A sought-after keynote speaker and trusted advisor, she lives in Chicago with her family.

Read more