Make Change That Lasts

Make Change That Lasts Plot Summary

Introduction

We all have habits that limit our potential. Whether it's procrastination, negative self-talk, people-pleasing, or avoiding discomfort, these patterns silently dictate our lives. Have you ever wondered why, despite knowing what's good for you, you still find yourself stuck in the same cycles? The truth is that knowledge alone isn't enough to create lasting change. Many of us become trapped by invisible reliances – unconscious dependencies on comfort, validation, being right, or staying busy – that prevent us from reaching our full potential. What makes these habits so persistent is that they operate beneath our awareness, cleverly disguised as protection mechanisms. The journey to breaking free begins with developing insight – learning to recognize these invisible reliances and understanding how they influence your behavior. Throughout these pages, you'll discover practical strategies to identify what's truly holding you back and how to replace limiting habits with empowering ones. By cutting your ties to these hidden dependencies, you'll experience a profound sense of freedom and control over your life that may have seemed impossible before.

Chapter 1: Trust Your Inner Voice

At the heart of personal transformation lies the ability to trust yourself. In today's information-saturated world, we're bombarded with expert opinions on everything from health to relationships. While expert knowledge is valuable, over-reliance on outside voices can disconnect us from our own inner wisdom. This disconnect is precisely what makes changing habits so difficult. Dr. Chatterjee shares the powerful story of a patient named Helen, a knowledgeable GP who struggled with her sugar habit despite understanding its harmful effects. When a patient confronted her about her weight while she was explaining the dangers of excess sugar, Helen was devastated. She had all the knowledge about nutrition but couldn't apply it to herself. The issue wasn't a lack of information – Helen could educate others expertly – but rather a disconnection from her internal signals and needs. She had become a brilliant "thermometer" able to read information from the outside world, but not a "thermostat" capable of making internal changes. Through careful exploration, Helen discovered that her chocolate cravings were triggered when she felt tired, exploited, or taken for granted at work. Her need to be liked prevented her from setting boundaries with colleagues, leading to resentment and exhaustion that she soothed with sugar. When she learned to "look upstream" at the emotional causes of her cravings rather than just battling the symptoms, Helen began creating meaningful change. Developing this internal awareness requires regular practice. Dr. Chatterjee recommends establishing daily "solitude practices" like meditation, breathwork, yoga, or journaling. For meditation, you might try a body scan, starting at your toes and slowly moving attention upward, observing sensations without judgment. With breathwork, simply sit quietly for five minutes focusing on your breath – noticing restrictions, freedom, and changes in the quality of your breathing from day to day. For journaling, consider asking yourself powerful questions each morning that help you reflect and grow. The key is consistency. Choose one practice and do it daily, ideally at the same time. The magic lies in repetition – when you engage with the same practice regularly, you quickly develop your intuitive intelligence and ability to recognize what's normal for you. This creates a baseline that helps you notice when something feels different, turning you into an expert on yourself. By strengthening your connection to your internal signals, you become less susceptible to external influences and more trusting of your inner wisdom. This self-trust forms the foundation for breaking free from unwanted habits, as you'll be able to sense when you're being pulled toward old patterns and make intentional choices instead.

Chapter 2: Set Boundaries and Find Your Authentic Self

Many of us have developed an unhealthy reliance on being liked by everyone. This dependency often manifests as people-pleasing – constantly adjusting who we are to match what we think others want. While appearing harmless on the surface, this habit disconnects us from our authentic selves and creates a life built on others' expectations rather than our own values. Dr. Chatterjee shares his personal journey with people-pleasing that began at age fourteen when he experienced a painful social rejection at school. After his friends abruptly abandoned him during lunch, he became a "human shape-shifter," morphing his personality to fit in with different groups. For years, he was the person who would say "I don't mind" when asked where to go for dinner, even if it meant eating food he disliked while pretending to enjoy it. His entire approach to life became "I'm not going to make a fuss. I'm going to fit in." But this pattern created internal frustration and emotional cost. When he started dating his future wife Vidh, his people-pleasing became a significant problem. He would tell her to order multiple dishes at restaurants, offering to eat whichever one she didn't want. To his surprise, this behavior frustrated her. She didn't want someone who simply pleased her by saying the "right" things – she wanted a partner who knew his own mind and could express authentic thoughts and preferences. Breaking free from people-pleasing requires understanding its childhood roots. Dr. Chatterjee explains that this pattern often develops when children don't experience unconditional love. When love seems conditional on performance or behavior, children face an impossible choice between authenticity and attachment. Attachment will win every time, as love is a primal need. Children learn to suppress their authentic selves to secure connection, carrying this pattern into adulthood. The solution lies in building healthy boundaries. Start by identifying situations where you struggle to say no, and ask yourself: What am I afraid of? What's the worst that would happen if I said no? What's the most likely outcome? Is someone making unreasonable demands? If so, communicate your boundary clearly when you're feeling calm. If the demand seems reasonable but still feels uncomfortable, meditate on why it feels like a boundary for you. Then explain your position calmly, prepared to negotiate. Setting boundaries isn't selfish – it's essential for your mental and physical health. When we suppress our true selves and needs, we generate internal pain that we often try to soothe with unhealthy behaviors like excess sugar and alcohol consumption. By learning to respect yourself enough to express boundaries, you'll discover that people will love you for who you really are, not the version you've created to please them.

Chapter 3: Embrace Discomfort as a Path to Growth

In our comfort-oriented culture, we've developed a dangerous reliance on ease and convenience. This dependency on comfort is more than just a preference – it's a significant factor in many chronic health problems and keeps us from developing the resilience needed to thrive in life's inevitable challenges. Dr. Chatterjee relates his first experience with ocean swimming during a SwimRun event. Despite being a decent pool swimmer, he initially panicked when he couldn't see the bottom of the ocean and wanted to quit. But he pushed through his fear, completing one segment at a time, and ultimately finished the entire event. The sense of accomplishment was extraordinary. Just months later, he participated in another SwimRun in France with his nine-year-old son, navigating rough waves with confidence. His willingness to embrace discomfort transformed what had been terrifying into something he now genuinely loves. This experience taught him how fundamentally important it is to face moments of discomfort. The modern world has created the illusion that comfort is our natural state and anything uncomfortable should be avoided. But our bodies evolved expecting regular physical challenges. Research shows that lack of movement is one of the leading causes of premature death globally, increasing our risk of cancer, obesity, heart attacks, strokes, and type 2 diabetes. Our sedentary lives, filled with sofas, cars, and home deliveries, are literally killing us. To break free from comfort dependency, intentionally incorporate controlled discomfort into your life. Options include running a 5K, exercising outdoors in bad weather, taking cold showers, practicing intermittent fasting, wild camping, learning something new, or challenging yourself socially. Each practice sends your brain a powerful signal that you are resilient and capable of handling difficulty. Physical discomfort is particularly valuable because it makes you physically stronger while simultaneously building psychological resilience. Create personal "discomfort rules" to make these practices your default way of being. Examples include: always taking the stairs, never eating after 7 p.m., committing to 30 minutes of daily movement, turning off your smartphone an hour before bed, or completing a five-minute health action every morning. These one-time decisions automate behavior that might otherwise require willpower. The irony is that by training for discomfort, you actually get to enjoy comfort more. Not being reliant on luxuries and conveniences allows you to indulge in them from a place of choice rather than dependency. This is the freedom of minimal reliance – you can choose to enjoy life's pleasures without being controlled by them. As you develop this capacity, you'll build confidence in your ability to handle whatever challenges life presents, creating a foundation of self-trust that permeates all aspects of your life.

Chapter 4: Let Go of Being Right All the Time

Many of us have developed an unhealthy reliance on always being right. This dependency creates unnecessary conflict in our relationships and keeps us in a constant state of stress as we rigidly defend our positions. Breaking this reliance is crucial for our mental, physical, and emotional wellbeing. Dr. Chatterjee shares a personal experience from 2020 following George Floyd's death. After careful reflection, he posted on social media about racism his wife had experienced as a child. He immediately received angry responses claiming he shouldn't be discussing "Asian" experiences during what was considered a "Black" issue. His initial reaction was panic and self-doubt, but he soon realized he hadn't violated any code of conduct – he was simply sharing thoughtful reflections that he was entitled to express. The incident highlighted how many people feel entitled to police others' opinions and expression. When we take offense at others' perspectives, we're essentially saying that in this incredibly diverse world filled with people of countless different backgrounds and experiences, there should be only one acceptable viewpoint – our own. This arrogance triggers our nervous system's threat response. Reading an email we perceive as rude activates the same defensive mechanisms that evolved to protect us from physical dangers thousands of years ago. Our brain treats disagreement like a spear coming at our head, priming us to respond with disproportionate aggression. Living in this heightened defensive state is detrimental to our health. It increases inflammation, making us vulnerable to serious conditions including cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and autoimmune disorders. It also prompts compensatory behaviors like overindulging in sugar or alcohol to soothe our stress. By learning not to take offense, we prevent this stress cascade before it begins. The solution starts with adopting a learner mindset. When you feel triggered by someone's words or actions, pause and ask: Why am I choosing to take offense? What would this situation look like if I didn't? Often, we react defensively because we're protecting a fragile identity. Instead of defending your position, approach the situation with curiosity about what is true. Try using these five powerful words when disagreeing: "I have a different perspective." This simple phrase removes personal challenge and allows conversation to continue without making anyone "wrong." Additionally, practice saying "I don't know" more often. Far from making people think less of you, admitting uncertainty builds trust and demonstrates authenticity. When facing disagreement, widen the gap between stimulus and response by asking: What specifically is bothering me? Is there another way to look at this? What would happen if I chose not to take offense? By cutting your reliance on being right, you'll experience more peace and connection. You'll become kinder, more accepting, and more lovable while protecting your physical and mental health from the damaging effects of chronic defensiveness.

Chapter 5: Release the Past and Move Forward

Many of us become trapped by an unhealthy reliance on our past experiences, particularly painful ones. These memories can shape our identity and justify behaviors that hold us back from thriving. Breaking free from this dependency is essential for our mental and physical wellbeing. Dr. Chatterjee recalls a patient named Michelle, a physically healthy mother of three who struggled emotionally due to her inability to let go of her first husband's betrayal twenty-five years earlier. Despite being remarried and having a good life, Michelle remained so caught in resentment that her friends and family avoided mentioning her ex-husband's name. She rejected suggestions of therapy, equating moving on with "forgiving" him, which she refused to do. Sadly, Michelle eventually died from cancer, and Dr. Chatterjee wondered if her unresolved emotions contributed to her illness. This connection isn't merely speculation. Research shows strong links between unprocessed emotions and chronic conditions. Harvard studies found that women with severe PTSD have double the risk of developing ovarian cancer. Other research indicates that newly diagnosed colorectal cancer patients often demonstrate traits like anger repression and conflict avoidance. People who struggle to forgive show higher rates of autoimmune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. While these studies don't prove direct causation, they suggest that emotional patterns play a meaningful role alongside other factors in disease development. When we remain focused on past traumas, we signal to our subconscious that these events are still active threats. We become defined by our worst experiences, chaining our wellbeing to them forever. Some people unconsciously rely on their "harm narratives" for identity, using them to generate sympathy or excuse themselves from pushing for positive change. But this approach gives away our power to the very people or events that hurt us. The path forward involves forgiveness – not for the benefit of those who harmed us, but for our own freedom. Dr. Fred Luskin from Stanford University describes forgiveness as "the peace and understanding that comes from lessening the blame of that which has hurt you." Research shows forgiveness improves relationships, reduces anxiety and stress, lowers blood pressure, enhances immune function, and boosts self-esteem. The process becomes easier when approached from a place of compassion rather than judgment. You can also practice "starting with zero" in your relationships – approaching each interaction without the baggage of past conflicts. Try this with someone for seven days, noticing how different it feels. Another powerful technique is visualization. Each morning, ask yourself: How do I want to act today? How do I want to show up with my partner and colleagues? Which qualities do I want to showcase to the world? Write your answers down and imagine embodying these qualities in specific situations. By cutting your reliance on the past, you make the positive decision to live as a lighter, freer person in the present. When you let go of yesterday's pain, you create space for today's joy and tomorrow's possibilities.

Chapter 6: Reclaim Your Time and Energy

Our culture has created a dangerous equation: busyness equals success. Many of us have absorbed the idea that we can only be successful if we're constantly busy, leading to burnout, stress, and disconnection from what truly matters. Breaking this reliance on busyness is essential for reclaiming our lives. Dr. Chatterjee shares his experience with his BBC Radio 2 show. Despite achieving what would have seemed like a dream job to his younger self, he made the difficult decision to quit after two years. As his mother's health deteriorated, he asked himself whether he would look back and be glad he'd become a BBC Radio DJ or wish he'd spent more time with his mother. The answer was clear, but making the decision wasn't easy. He admits he should never have taken the job in the first place, as it caused significant stress and took him away from more important priorities. The reliance on busyness often stems from early conditioning. Growing up watching films that portrayed successful people as constantly on the move, many of us internalized the message that to thrive is to be busy. But this myth is literally killing us, leading to an epidemic of burnout. One survey showed that 88% of UK workers had suffered burnout in the past two years. Like a rubber band that's continuously stretched beyond its capacity, our stress response becomes permanently deformed when we push ourselves without adequate recovery. To break free from this reliance, we must redefine success. True success isn't about filling every moment with activity but about nurturing five essential areas of life: work, family, friendship, health, and passions. Think of each as a separate fuel tank. In a perfect world, all tanks would always be full, but realistically, different life seasons require different priorities. The key is ensuring none of the tanks remains completely empty for long. A critical part of breaking the busyness reliance is protecting your rest. Rest has three dimensions: body, mind, and heart. Physical rest includes sleep, naps, and relaxation practices like Yoga Nidra. Mental rest involves "analog" activities like reading, listening to music, journaling, or spending time in nature. Heart rest means connecting with others or something bigger than yourself through volunteering, prayer, or even a phone call with a close friend. Practice slowing down with the Push-Pause Method. Notice moments when you feel pressured to rush – when you receive a message and feel you must respond immediately, or when someone in line is taking longer than you'd like. Intentionally pause and breathe through the discomfort of waiting. Consider implementing a weekly "slow day" inspired by the Sabbath tradition, where everything is done with deliberate slowness – walking, eating, driving, and connecting with loved ones. Each morning, ask yourself: "What is the most important thing I have to do today?" This simple question helps you prioritize what truly matters, whether it's work-related or spending quality time with family. By answering and acting on this question daily, you'll naturally shift away from busyness toward purposeful living. Small, consistent actions toward what's truly important will transform your life more powerfully than dramatic gestures.

Chapter 7: Build Connections That Support You

While developing self-reliance is crucial, it's equally important not to take this philosophy too far. Humans are fundamentally social creatures, designed to thrive in cooperative groups. A certain amount of healthy reliance on others isn't just advisable – it's essential for our wellbeing. Dr. Chatterjee recalls a powerful memory from his university days. At 11 p.m. one night, his mother called to say his father had been rushed to intensive care and might not survive the night. Living 240 miles away without transportation options that late, he felt helpless. When his roommate Steve returned from studying for an important exam, he immediately offered to drive Chatterjee home, despite knowing he'd have minimal sleep before his test the next day. Years later, Chatterjee reciprocated this spirit of support when he received a late-night text from a friend in crisis. Despite normally prioritizing his sleep, he spent an hour on the phone helping his friend through marital problems. These experiences demonstrate the gift of reliance that flows in both directions. We all face moments when we need support from others, and being able to provide that support gives meaning to our lives. Research confirms the profound importance of social connection for health. Studies show that people over seventy with strong social connections were 22% less likely to die over a ten-year period. Women with breast cancer who had at least ten close friends were four times more likely to survive their disease than those without close friends. The ideal state of minimal reliance means giving more to others than we receive. By developing psychological and physical resilience in all the ways outlined in this book, we become strong enough to rely less on others and more capable of supporting them. This creates a virtuous cycle – when we call on others less frequently, they're more willing to help when we truly need it. Dr. Chatterjee describes four essential social circles that humans need for optimal wellbeing: community (neighbors, local workers, fellow commuters), friends, family, and partner. Each circle provides different types of connection and support. If one circle is broken or incomplete, we can compensate by strengthening others. When his mother's health declined, for example, he recognized that his friendship circle had suffered as he prioritized family and work. While not ideal, he accepted this as a temporary imbalance. To strengthen your social connections, assess each of your four social circles on a scale of 0-3, noting how well each is currently being nourished. Then identify one action you can take this month to strengthen each circle. This might be scheduling regular time with your partner, calling your parents, meeting friends in person, or joining a local class based on your interests. Remember that other people are a gift, and we should be able to rely on them when necessary. The beauty of minimal reliance is that by giving more than we take, we become a wonderful gift to others while creating the conditions for them to be there for us when we truly need them.

Summary

Throughout these pages, we've explored how invisible reliances – on external validation, comfort, being right, the past, busyness, and more – can quietly sabotage our wellbeing and prevent lasting change. The journey to freedom begins with developing insight into these hidden dependencies and replacing them with intentional choices that align with who we truly want to be. As Dr. Chatterjee writes, "Effortless change is the best change of all. It's change that is automatic because it has become part of you." Your path forward starts with a single step: choose one area where you feel most constrained by invisible reliances and implement a daily practice to build your awareness. Perhaps begin with a morning solitude practice to strengthen your connection to your inner wisdom, or set a small boundary in a relationship where you've been people-pleasing. Whatever you choose, remember that small, consistent actions create profound transformation over time. By gradually reducing your dependencies on things outside yourself, you'll develop the inner strength and freedom to make choices based on what truly matters to you – not what you've been conditioned to need. This is how you break free from the habits that hold you back and create a life of authentic thriving.

About Author

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Rangan Chatterjee

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee is regarded as one of the most influential doctors in the UK and wants to change how medicine will be practised in years to come. He has been called a pioneer and is changing the way that we look at illness. He is known for finding the root cause of people's problems and he highlighted his methods in the ground-breaking BBC television show, Doctor in the House, which has been shown in over 70 countries around the world. In 2017, he was placed 8th in the Pulse Power 50 list for influential GPs.He is the author of the international best-seller, The Four Pillar Plan which has already become one of the top 10 selling Health titles of the past 5 years.He has co-created the brand new RCGP accredited Prescribing Lifestyle Medicine course which was delivered to 200 GPs and specialists for the first time in January 2018 providing doctors with a framework to apply Lifestyle Medicine principles in clinical practice.He regularly features on BBC news channels and has given an inspirational TED talk on making diseases disappear. He writes for The Huffington Post, Mind Body Green and has a monthly column on lifestyle medicine in Top Santé.

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