Not Nice

Not Nice Plot Summary

Introduction

Have you ever found yourself saying "yes" when you desperately wanted to say "no"? Or swallowed your true thoughts to keep the peace? If so, you're not alone. Excessive niceness might seem like a virtue, but it often masks a deeper pattern of self-abandonment that leaves us feeling resentful, anxious, and powerless in our own lives. This journey toward authentic self-expression isn't about becoming unkind or inconsiderate. Rather, it's about reclaiming the parts of yourself you've hidden away in your quest to be accepted and loved. When you learn to honor your needs, speak your truth, and set clear boundaries, you don't just transform your own life—you create the foundation for more genuine connections with others. The pages ahead will guide you through practical strategies to break free from the nice person trap and step into your full, magnificent power.

Chapter 1: Recognize the Hidden Costs of Being Too Nice

Being "too nice" comes with a surprisingly high price tag that many people don't recognize until it's taken a significant toll. At its core, excessive niceness isn't about genuine kindness—it's a fear-based strategy for gaining approval and avoiding disapproval at all costs. This pattern often begins in childhood when we learn that our acceptance depends on being agreeable, avoiding conflict, and putting others' needs before our own. The costs of this pattern are profound and far-reaching. Chronic anxiety becomes your constant companion as you worry about others' reactions to your words and actions. Hidden resentment builds as you consistently override your own desires to please others. Physical symptoms like tension headaches, digestive issues, and chronic fatigue often emerge as your body carries the stress of constant self-suppression. Perhaps most devastating is the profound sense of disconnection—both from yourself and from others—as you present a carefully crafted persona rather than your authentic self. Dr. Aziz shares the story of Antoine, a client who felt intense guilt after telling a friend he couldn't hang out on Saturday evening. Antoine simply wanted time to himself, but his guilt stemmed from an unconscious rule: "I should always say yes to my close friends' requests unless I have specific plans that make me unavailable." This rule made his own desire for downtime seem invalid and selfish. Through their work together, Antoine realized he was treating his friend as if they couldn't handle disappointment—as if saying no would somehow crush them. In reality, his friend was a capable adult who could manage their own feelings. The path to freedom begins with awareness. Start noticing when you feel that familiar tension between what you want and what you think you should do. Pay attention to the physical sensations that arise—the tightness in your chest, the knot in your stomach—as these are valuable signals that you're abandoning yourself. Question the underlying beliefs driving your niceness: "Is it really true that people will reject me if I express my authentic thoughts? Is it actually my responsibility to manage others' emotions?" As you become more aware of these patterns, practice the Peace Process meditation that Dr. Aziz recommends. When you notice yourself feeling anxious about others' approval, find the place in your body that feels uncomfortable. Breathe into it, soften around it, and meet it with acceptance rather than resistance. This simple practice helps dissolve the fear that keeps you trapped in people-pleasing patterns. Remember that breaking free from excessive niceness isn't about becoming inconsiderate or mean. It's about reclaiming your authentic voice and creating relationships based on mutual respect rather than fear and obligation. When you honor your own needs and boundaries, you actually become capable of more genuine connection and compassion—giving from a place of choice rather than compulsion.

Chapter 2: Set Clear Boundaries Without Guilt

Boundaries are invisible lines that define where you end and others begin. They're not walls that keep people out, but healthy limits that protect your energy, time, and emotional wellbeing. Without clear boundaries, you become vulnerable to overextending yourself, feeling resentful, and losing your sense of self in relationships. Chelsea's story illustrates this perfectly. She had a coworker who constantly interrupted her workday with conversations, making it difficult for her to complete her tasks. Yet Chelsea felt guilty about the idea of telling her coworker she was busy and couldn't talk. This guilt stemmed from an unconscious rule: "I should listen politely to my co-worker whenever he wants to talk. If I send him away, he'll feel hurt, angry, and lonely. It's not OK to make someone feel that way." This faulty rule kept Chelsea feeling trapped and resentful. Through boundary work, Chelsea learned to distinguish between what was her responsibility and what belonged to others. She realized that her coworker was a capable adult who could handle disappointment, not a fragile child who needed protection from all discomfort. This shift in perspective gave her permission to honor her own needs and set clear limits on when she was available for conversation. The process of setting boundaries begins with asking yourself two simple but powerful questions: "What do I want? What don't I want?" These questions help you reconnect with your authentic desires rather than automatically accommodating others. When you notice yourself feeling guilty about setting a boundary, examine the underlying rule that's creating that guilt. Is it realistic? Does it serve you? Often these rules are based on faulty assumptions about your responsibility for others' feelings. Dr. Aziz offers practical tools like the Peace Process meditation and Energy Bubble visualization to help release over-responsibility for others' feelings. The Peace Process involves bringing awareness to uncomfortable feelings in your body, breathing into them, and meeting them with acceptance rather than resistance. The Energy Bubble visualization helps you imagine a clear boundary around yourself that keeps others' negative emotions outside while allowing positive connections to flow through. Remember that having boundaries doesn't make you selfish or unkind—it actually allows you to be more genuinely present and loving. When you know where you end and others begin, you can give from a place of choice rather than obligation. This creates relationships based on mutual respect rather than codependence, allowing both you and others to show up as your authentic selves.

Chapter 3: Express Your Authentic Voice Confidently

Speaking up authentically requires more than just courage—it requires reconnecting with your natural voice and learning to value your unique perspective. Many nice people have spent years silencing themselves, believing their thoughts aren't important enough to share or fearing negative reactions from others. Mira's story demonstrates this challenge perfectly. She struggled with the fear that people would dislike her if she expressed her authentic thoughts. During a session with Dr. Aziz, he introduced her to what he called "The Magic Number 62." He asked her to imagine entering a room with 100 strangers and being completely herself with each person. Out of those 100 people, some would love her, some would like her, some would be neutral, and some would actively dislike her. The exact number who would respond positively is unknowable, but it certainly wouldn't be 100. This realization was liberating for Mira. She saw that trying to control everyone's responses was futile, and that the only thing within her control was how fully she showed up. She began to focus on expressing herself authentically rather than trying to please everyone. This shift allowed her to stop seeking approval and start valuing her own perspective, creating more genuine connections with those around her. Speaking up effectively is only 10% strategy and 90% inner game. You might know exactly what to say, but in the moment, hesitate, hold back, and stay silent—or speak in such a soft, tentative manner that no one takes you seriously. This happens because our inner beliefs about what's acceptable conflict with our desire to be authentic. For many people who struggle to speak up, there's often a history of being the peacemaker in their family—the one who hated discord and found ways to minimize it. To reclaim your authentic voice, start by noticing when you're holding back in conversations. Ask yourself: "What am I not saying right now? What do I really think about this?" Begin with small steps—perhaps sharing an honest opinion about a movie or restaurant before tackling more challenging topics. Practice speaking with certainty by eliminating hesitant tones and qualifiers like "I'm sorry to put this out there, but..." or "I don't know if this is right, but..." Remember that speaking up doesn't mean being harsh or inconsiderate. You can be both direct and kind by using "I" statements to express your perspective without attacking others. For example, instead of "You always interrupt me," try "I feel frustrated when I can't finish my thought." The more you practice expressing your authentic voice, the more natural it becomes. Your confidence grows with each small act of courage, creating a positive cycle that transforms how you show up in all your relationships.

Chapter 4: Embrace Your Shadow and Harness Its Power

Your shadow contains all the qualities you've learned are unacceptable—anger, aggression, selfishness, sexual desire, and more. When you deny these aspects of yourself, you don't eliminate them; you simply push them underground where they create tension, anxiety, and even physical pain. Embracing your shadow means acknowledging these parts with curiosity and acceptance, allowing you to reclaim the energy that's been locked in this ongoing internal battle. Dr. Aziz shares a revealing story about his three-year-old son, Zaim. After spending time with a nanny who discouraged his aggressive play ("Let's have T-Rex hug instead" when Zaim wanted his dinosaur to fight), Zaim would go on destructive rampages once she left. Dr. Aziz realized his son needed to express this natural energy, so he engaged in dinosaur battles with him. The result was transformative—after expressing this shadow energy, Zaim became calmer and more centered. Adults are simply better at suppressing these shadow aspects, but the cost is immense. Dr. Aziz describes his own experience of journaling about the anger he felt toward his children and the resentment about parental responsibilities. Rather than making him a worse parent, acknowledging these feelings actually freed up energy and allowed him to be more patient and loving with his children afterward. This illustrates a powerful truth: when we deny parts of ourselves, we don't eliminate them—we just drive them underground where they leak out in unhealthy ways. The practical way to begin shadow work is through private journaling—writing freely about the thoughts and feelings you normally hide, even from yourself. Find a secure place where you won't be interrupted and give yourself permission to express everything without censorship or judgment. You might be surprised by what emerges—anger, jealousy, judgment, or desires you've been taught are inappropriate. The key is to meet these expressions with curiosity rather than shame. Another effective practice is the "Rage Walk"—set out for 20 minutes with no distractions and let yourself fully feel the agitation and frustration inside you. Talk out loud about your frustrations and resentments if you're in a private place. This release of energy often creates a profound sense of relief and clarity. Remember that acknowledging these feelings doesn't mean you'll act on them inappropriately—in fact, conscious awareness gives you more choice about how to channel this energy constructively. As you become more comfortable with your shadow aspects, you'll notice a significant increase in your energy and presence. That's because your shadow contains some of your most vital life force—the raw power that fuels creativity, assertiveness, and passion. By making peace with these disowned parts, you reclaim this energy and become more whole. This integration allows you to show up more authentically in all your relationships, creating deeper connections based on genuine self-expression rather than a carefully maintained facade.

Chapter 5: Say No Without Apologizing or Explaining

Saying no is perhaps the most challenging aspect of breaking free from niceness. The fear of disappointing others or being seen as selfish can trigger overwhelming guilt that keeps us trapped in patterns of over-commitment and resentment. Learning to say no clearly and confidently—without excessive explanations or apologies—is essential for reclaiming your time, energy, and personal power. Antoine's story illustrates this common struggle. He felt strong guilt after telling a friend he couldn't hang out on Saturday evening, even though he simply wanted time to himself. His guilt stemmed from an unconscious rule: "I should always say yes to my close friends' requests, unless I have specific plans that make me unavailable." This rule made his own desire for downtime seem invalid and selfish. Through his work with Dr. Aziz, Antoine recognized that this rule was unrealistic and didn't serve him. By examining the belief more closely, he realized he was treating his friend as if they couldn't handle disappointment—as if saying no would somehow crush them. In reality, his friend was a capable adult who could manage their own feelings. One client discovered he was apologizing approximately ten times per day, often unnecessarily. To break this habit, he went on an "apology fast"—eliminating all unnecessary apologies for ten days. Within a week, he reduced his daily apologies by 70%. He reported feeling "more powerful walking around in the world. I can look people in the eye and stand up taller. I never realized how afraid I was of upsetting people, and how that was affecting me." Learning to say no begins with recognizing that you have the right to decline invitations, requests, and demands without extensive justification. A simple "No, I won't be able to make it" is sufficient in most situations. If you feel compelled to explain, keep it brief and avoid fabricating excuses, which only reinforces the belief that your authentic reason isn't good enough. Remember these five tips: No is a complete sentence—avoid over-explaining; No apologies—you haven't done anything wrong; Make it about you—focus on your preferences rather than criticizing the other person; Express warmth and appreciation—you can be kind while still declining; Say no early—don't delay and create anxiety for yourself and uncertainty for others. When guilt arises after saying no (and it will), use the Peace Process to sit with the uncomfortable feeling rather than trying to escape it. Breathe into the sensation in your body, whether it's tightness in your chest or a knot in your stomach. As you practice this, you'll find the intensity of the guilt diminishes over time. You'll also discover that most people are far more resilient than you've given them credit for—they can handle your boundaries without falling apart. Remember that saying no to others means saying yes to yourself. Each time you honor your own needs and boundaries, you build self-trust and create space for the activities and relationships that truly matter to you. This isn't selfish—it's essential self-care that allows you to show up more fully and authentically in all areas of your life.

Chapter 6: Prioritize Your Needs Without Feeling Selfish

The word "selfish" carries tremendous negative weight for nice people. We've been conditioned to believe that putting ourselves first is morally wrong and will lead to rejection and isolation. This fear keeps us trapped in patterns of self-sacrifice that ultimately lead to resentment and burnout. Learning to prioritize your needs without guilt is essential for creating a sustainable, joyful life. Dr. Aziz shares his own struggle with this issue. When he first began dating his now-wife Candace, she was moving out of the home she shared with her ex-husband. Being the "good boyfriend," he agreed to help her move. But when he arrived, he felt overwhelmed—it was too much involvement in her relationship with her ex-husband too soon. In the past, he would have ignored this discomfort and pushed through, following his inner "shoulds" about being nice. Instead, he honored his feelings and told Candace, "I'm sorry, baby. I don't think I can help you do this. It feels too involved. I think I'm going to leave and let you and your friends take care of it." Though she understood, he felt terrible driving away. His mind interpreted a friend's simple "Oh..." as a harsh judgment: "What a selfish asshole you are." Yet part of him knew this was a necessary step toward breaking free from the nice guy programming that had controlled his life for decades. This story illustrates the internal battle many nice people face when they begin to honor their own needs—the immediate guilt and self-judgment that arise when they step outside their people-pleasing patterns. Another powerful example comes from a family trip to Monterey, California. After an exhausting vacation with young children, Dr. Aziz needed to decide about Thanksgiving plans. He realized he didn't want another family trip so soon and proposed splitting the weekend—spending two days at home with his wife and children, then flying solo to Los Angeles to see extended family. When his wife expressed hurt about this plan, he felt immediately slammed with guilt and shame: "My nice guy programming rushed in hard and fast to tell me what a bad person I was for ditching my poor wife and abandoning my children. Selfish monster!" Despite these feelings, he worked through the conflict without abandoning his needs, listening to his wife's feelings without defending himself or trying to talk her out of them. To prioritize your needs effectively, try using the "Selfish Algorithm"—a series of questions to determine if something is self-denying, in your healthy self-interest, or too much to ask for. Ask yourself: What do I want? How much do I want this (on a scale of 1-10)? What needs am I trying to meet? How will this impact the other person? Are there other ways for everyone to meet their needs? This structured approach helps you make decisions that honor both your needs and your relationships. When you do prioritize yourself, you might experience discomfort—both your own guilt and others' disappointment. This is normal. Remember that discomfort doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. It's just a sign that you're growing beyond old patterns. Stay with the discomfort using the Peace Process, breathing into the sensations in your body and meeting them with compassion. Over time, it will get easier. The ultimate paradox is that when you take care of yourself first, you actually become more loving, generous, and giving than you ever were as a struggling nice person. You give from abundance rather than depletion, creating healthier relationships and a more joyful life.

Chapter 7: Take Bold Action Despite Discomfort

Taking bold action means stepping outside your comfort zone and facing the discomfort that comes with growth. It's about transforming fear into confidence through consistent practice and a shift in mindset. This transformation doesn't happen overnight—it requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to be imperfect. Jason's story powerfully illustrates this challenge. In his late thirties, Jason knew with certainty that he needed to end his six-year relationship. "It's not a question of 'if,' it's a question of 'when,'" he told Dr. Aziz during a session. When his partner had previously sensed his dissatisfaction, she became extremely distraught, crying and saying, "How could you do this to me?" So he stayed, waiting for the "right time" when she would be better equipped to handle the breakup. He followed her to another state for a new job, thinking she would get settled, make friends, and then be ready. But there was always another reason to delay—holidays, job dissatisfaction, and on it went. Jason was trapped in the nice-person's plight: prioritizing others' feelings over his own authentic needs, only to feel restricted, hollow, and depressed inside. To help him break free, Dr. Aziz asked him to imagine operating from Complete Self-Interest (CSI)—where every choice was based entirely on what was best for him, regardless of how she felt. His voice transformed as he reconnected with himself: "I would wait three weeks until after the holidays, then end the relationship. I wouldn't go on the trip we had planned. I'd rent an AirBnB to get away after the conversation, then come back a week later to move my stuff out." This clarity came from reconnecting with his true desires rather than focusing solely on his partner's potential reactions. The irony is that by delaying the breakup out of "kindness," he was actually causing more pain in the long run. Those years of biding time were years lost for both of them—years his girlfriend could have been building a new relationship with someone who was a better fit. Building your discomfort tolerance is like strengthening a muscle—it requires regular practice. Dr. Aziz describes his experiment with daily one-minute cold showers. Initially, his body reacted strongly with involuntary gasping and the urge to escape. But within two weeks, the cold blasts felt normal, and he actually enjoyed the intensity and energy boost. This simple practice revealed something profound: we can build our capacity to face discomfort through deliberate exposure. To take bold action in your own life, start by identifying what you truly want without judgment or shame. Use the Selfish Algorithm to determine if something is in your healthy self-interest: What do you want? How much do you want it (1-10)? What needs are you trying to meet? How will this impact others? Are there other ways for everyone to meet their needs? This process helps recalibrate your sense of what's "selfish" versus what's healthy self-interest. Remember that taking bold action will sometimes be messy. There will be feelings—yours and others'. But these feelings aren't signs you're doing something wrong; they may be signs you're doing exactly what you need to do. The key is to tolerate the discomfort without rushing to fix it or apologize. Give yourself full permission to receive and enjoy what you've asked for, even if guilt or doubt still pop up. The more you practice taking bold action despite fear, the more your confidence grows. Each time you speak up, set a boundary, or say no when needed, you strengthen your ability to be authentic. This isn't about becoming callous or uncaring—it's about honoring your truth so you can show up fully in your relationships and your life.

Summary

The journey from excessive niceness to authentic power is transformative but challenging. It requires recognizing the costs of your people-pleasing patterns, establishing clear boundaries, expressing your authentic self, prioritizing your needs, saying no confidently, and building your discomfort tolerance. Each step may trigger fear, guilt, or uncertainty—signs that you're breaking free from old conditioning and claiming your personal power. Remember this powerful truth from the book: "If someone feels like they cannot be themselves, they suffer. Period. It doesn't matter how many people love them or admire them, how famous they are, or how much money they're making." Your authentic expression isn't selfish—it's essential for your wellbeing and for creating genuine connections with others. Today, choose one small act of boldness. Perhaps say no to a minor request, share an opinion you'd normally keep to yourself, or ask directly for something you want. Notice the discomfort that arises, breathe through it, and celebrate your courage. Each time you choose authenticity over niceness, you strengthen your power muscle and move closer to the freedom, joy, and love that come from being fully, unapologetically you.

About Author

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Aziz Gazipura

Dr. Aziz is a clinical psychologist and one of the world's leading experts on social confidence. After being stuck in shyness and social anxiety himself for almost 10 years, he became determined to find a way to social freedom. Through thousands of hours of his own training, counseling, reading, group work, and coaching, he has truly mastered what it takes to break free from shyness and social anxiety into a life of confidence.In 2011, Dr. Aziz started The Center For Social Confidence, which is dedicated to helping everyone break through their shyness and social anxiety. Through his unique blend of compassion, humor, and personal courage, Dr. Aziz has helped thousands of people all over the world increase their confidence. Through confidence coaching, audio and video programs, podcasts, a detailed blog, and intensive weekend workshops, Dr. Aziz lives out his mission: To help every person who is stuck in shyness liberate themselves to pursue the relationship, career, and life they have always dreamed of.He lives in Portland, Oregon with his wife Candace and son Zaim (who he claims is the "most socially confident badass kid in the world.")

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