Option B

Option B Plot Summary

Introduction

When Sheryl Sandberg found her husband Dave unresponsive on a gym floor during a vacation in Mexico, her world collapsed in an instant. Just moments earlier, they had been enjoying a peaceful afternoon by the pool. Now she faced the unimaginable task of telling her young children that their father would never come home again. "I am not only sad for us, Mommy," her daughter said that first night. "I am sad for Grandma Paula and Uncle Rob because they lost him too." Even in the darkest moment imaginable, her child showed the capacity for empathy that would become a cornerstone of their healing. This heart-wrenching story opens a profound exploration of how we navigate life when Plan A is no longer an option. Through intimate personal accounts and rigorous research, we discover that resilience isn't a fixed personality trait but a skill we can develop. The journey through grief, trauma, and challenges reveals that post-traumatic growth is possible - not just bouncing back but bouncing forward. Whether facing the loss of a loved one, career setbacks, illness, or other life-altering events, we learn that our capacity to find joy again comes from acknowledging pain, finding meaning, and connecting with others who understand. The insights shared offer hope that even after devastating loss, we can build a meaningful life that honors what was while embracing what can be.

Chapter 1: Finding Strength After Loss: Overcoming the Three P's

One August morning during Adam Grant's first semester teaching in Philadelphia, a student named Owen Thomas lumbered into his classroom. At six foot two and 240 pounds, Owen was a defensive lineman on the University of Pennsylvania football team, but his most commanding feature was his bright orange hair. Despite his imposing presence, Owen proved remarkably gentle. During a negotiation exercise, he scored the worst in the class because he couldn't bear to take even hypothetical money he didn't need. His classmates voted him the most cooperative negotiator in a landslide. In April, Owen died by suicide. Just two months earlier, he had stopped by Adam's office seeking help with finding an internship. Adam offered to make some introductions, but Owen never followed up. Looking back at that final meeting, Adam was devastated, feeling he had failed when it mattered most. After attending the funeral, he went home and asked his wife if he should quit teaching. An autopsy later revealed that Owen's brain showed signs of chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE), a disease linked to repeated head impacts and associated with severe depression. While this knowledge eased some of Adam's self-blame, he still wanted to find ways to better support struggling students. He drew inspiration from psychology experiments on stress, where researchers found that people performed better under stress when they had a button they could press to stop loud noises - even though none of them actually pressed it. Just knowing they had control made the difference. Adam implemented this insight by writing his cell phone number on the board on the first day of class, telling students they could call at any hour if needed. While they rarely used it, this "button" - along with campus mental health resources - gave them a sense of control that helped build resilience. When people close to us face adversity, providing them with a similar button can be transformative. Psychologist Martin Seligman identified three P's that can stunt recovery from setbacks: personalization (believing we're at fault), pervasiveness (believing the event affects all areas of life), and permanence (believing the aftershocks will last forever). By recognizing that hardships aren't entirely our fault, don't affect every aspect of our lives, and won't follow us forever, we build resilience. This simple framework helps people overcome obstacles and find their way forward, teaching us that we can kick against the bottom, break the surface, and breathe again.

Chapter 2: Connecting Through Shared Pain: The Healing Power of Community

In college, Dave Goldberg had ten roommates. After graduation, they scattered across the country, reuniting only for special occasions. In spring 2014, they gathered for their twenty-fifth college reunion. The families had so much fun that they planned a Fourth of July celebration for the following year. But Dave passed away two months before that trip. Sheryl considered canceling but ultimately decided to go, hoping to find comfort with Dave's friends who were also grieving. On the last day, she sat for breakfast with several roommates, including Jeff King, who had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis years earlier. Though Sheryl and Dave had discussed Jeff's illness many times, she realized she had never actually spoken with Jeff about it. "Jeff," she asked, "how are you? I mean, really, how are you? How are you feeling? Are you scared?" Jeff looked up in surprise and paused for several moments. With tears in his eyes, he thanked her for asking, then opened up about his diagnosis, how he hated giving up his medical practice, the impact on his children, and his fears about the future. After their conversation, he hugged her tight, expressing relief at being able to share his experience. In the early weeks after Dave died, Sheryl was shocked when friends avoided asking how she was doing. She felt invisible, as if she were standing in front of them but couldn't be seen. When someone has a cast, people immediately ask what happened. But when someone's life is shattered, people often say nothing. They avoid the topic out of fear of causing more pain, not realizing that their silence only increases the suffering. Psychologists call this tendency the "mum effect" - our natural inclination to avoid sharing bad news. But this avoidance isolates those who are suffering. Philosopher Karl Popper suggested improving the golden rule ("treat others as you want to be treated") with what Sheryl calls the Platinum Rule: treat others as they want to be treated. When someone is grieving, the most supportive approach is to take cues from them and respond with understanding or action. The silence around grief creates what Sheryl calls "the elephant in the room" - a massive presence that everyone sees but no one acknowledges. By breaking this silence, sharing our stories, and creating spaces for honest conversation, we build collective resilience. We discover that while some hardships cannot be fixed, they can be carried together, transforming isolation into connection and giving us strength to face whatever comes next.

Chapter 3: Building Self-Compassion: The Journey to Inner Resilience

Catherine Hoke was twenty-five when she and her husband joined a church trip to Romania to help orphans living with HIV. Returning home committed to helping those in need, she soon visited a Texas prison with a Christian outreach group. As a venture capitalist, Catherine noticed many inmates had the same drive and skills as successful entrepreneurs. She began teaching business classes at the prison on weekends, learning that nearly one in four Americans has a criminal history, making employment after release extremely difficult. Following her passion, Catherine quit her job and invested her savings to create the Prison Entrepreneurship Program. Within five years, the program expanded statewide, graduating six hundred students and launching sixty startups. The governor of Texas honored her work with a public service award. Then Catherine's personal life collapsed when her husband unexpectedly asked for divorce and left without saying goodbye. In her darkest moment, she turned to the program graduates for support – they helped her move and became her closest confidants. During this emotional period, Catherine lost sight of boundaries and became intimately involved with multiple program graduates. Though the men had been released from prison, the Texas Department of Criminal Justice determined her behavior was inappropriate. Catherine was banned from Texas prisons and informed that her program would be banned too if she remained involved. She resigned, and her departure made national headlines as a "prison sex scandal." For years, Catherine had urged employers to imagine how they'd feel if defined by their biggest mistake. Now that was her reality. "I violated my spiritual values. I felt like I was covered in the thickest wall of shame," she recalled. "I lost my identity as a leader. I was dead broke financially. I didn't want to live anymore." She attempted suicide. Psychologist Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as offering the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to a friend. It allows us to respond to our errors with understanding rather than criticism and shame. Self-compassion comes from recognizing that our imperfections are part of being human. Those who access it recover from hardship faster. Writing became key to Catherine's recovery. She had kept a journal since childhood, which helped her process her feelings. Research confirms this power: psychologist Jamie Pennebaker found that people who wrote about traumatic experiences for just 15 minutes a day over four days showed significant emotional and physical benefits months later. Journaling helped Catherine identify self-limiting beliefs and replace them with what she called "self-freeing" beliefs. "My worth isn't tied to my actions" and "I can allow other people to care for me" became her new mantras. After a year of therapy, Catherine launched Defy Ventures in New York, providing training for current and former inmates to start businesses. Six years later, Defy has helped over 1,700 graduates and incubated 160 startups, achieving a 95% employment rate with just 3% recidivism. Through self-compassion, Catherine found her way to a second chance – both professionally and personally – showing us that acknowledging our humanity in failure can become the foundation for our greatest contributions.

Chapter 4: Turning Grief into Growth: Post-Traumatic Development

As a physician, Joe Kasper devoted his career to treating patients with life-threatening illnesses. Yet when his teenage son Ryan was diagnosed with a rare and fatal form of epilepsy, he felt completely helpless. "In a few short moments, I learned my son's fate and there was nothing I could do about it," Joe wrote. "It was like seeing my son tied to a railroad track with a locomotive right around the bend and having to look on in helpless frustration and despair." Traumatic experiences shake our belief in a just world, robbing us of the sense that life is controllable and meaningful. Yet Joe was determined not to be consumed by the void. His search for understanding led him to psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun, who were studying grieving parents. While they expected to find devastation and post-traumatic stress, they discovered something surprising. Though the parents were suffering immensely and would have done anything to bring their children back, many also described positive changes in their lives following their loss. Instead of just post-traumatic stress, some experienced post-traumatic growth. Tedeschi and Calhoun identified five forms this growth can take: finding personal strength, gaining appreciation, forming deeper relationships, discovering more meaning in life, and seeing new possibilities. When we face life's most difficult challenges, we are wounded and scarred, but we can also walk away with greater internal resolve. Joe found this to be true. Tragically, his son Ryan died three years after diagnosis, thrusting Joe into what he described as "the emotional tsunami of his death." Yet Joe vowed not to let the tsunami pull him under. Kathy Andersen showed how powerful this growth can be. After losing her husband to cancer in her fifties, she made friends with another new mom named Meredith. When Meredith discovered a small lump under her arm, she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer despite being only thirty-four. This prompted Kathy to get her own mammogram, where she too was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. The friends underwent chemotherapy together. Kathy responded to treatment, but Meredith's cancer had spread to her liver, and she died three years later. "I always tell her parents, her husband, and her daughter that she was my angel," Kathy now says. "What saved me is that they caught my cancer before it had gone to any vital organs. And that is because of Meredith." In the seven years since her remission, Kathy has gained not just physical strength but emotional resilience. "I went through chemo and buried my young friend. That gives you perspective whether you're looking for it or not. The little things don't stress me out. I am much stronger, much more centered and reasonable now." The irony of trauma is that it can lead to deeper appreciation for life. Those who experience post-traumatic growth often form more meaningful relationships, discover purpose in helping others with similar struggles, and find new paths forward they never would have considered before. As Annie Dillard wrote, "How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives." Through the darkest experiences, we can discover an unexpected truth – we are stronger than we know.

Chapter 5: Raising Resilient Children: Creating a Foundation for Life

The exquisitely detailed painting of two children from South Carolina is by award-winning painter Timothy Chambers. Tim has been a professional artist for over thirty years, vividly capturing portraits and landscapes in oils, charcoal, and pastels. He is 70 percent deaf. He is also legally blind. Tim has Usher syndrome, a genetic condition whose symptoms appeared early. At five, he wore hearing aids full-time. By high school, friends would warn "duck" at night so he wouldn't hit tree branches. At thirty, an eye doctor diagnosed his condition and bluntly advised, "You'd better find another profession." After this devastating news, Tim struggled with paralyzing fear and nightmares. Once, after spending two hours on a charcoal portrait, his son walked in and asked, "What's with the purple?" Tim could no longer distinguish purple from gray. When asked where he got his resilience, Tim credited his parents, especially his father's knack for reframing painful events. When classmates stared at Tim's hearing aid, his father suggested he press it, throw a punch in the air, and shout, "Yes! Cubs are up two to one in the ninth!" Tim tried it, and suddenly the kids were jealous that he could listen to baseball during class. In high school, when Tim's hearing aid started beeping loudly during a first kiss, his father joked, "She's probably saying to her mom right now, 'I kissed boys before tonight and I've seen fireworks—but I've never heard sirens.'" Tim followed his dad's example and learned to respond to embarrassment with humor. He discovered that his own reaction to his disability influenced how others reacted, which meant he could control how he was perceived. "It was a blessing to have a dad who turned times when you're feeling stupid into 'You become stronger as you seek solutions to seeming roadblocks,'" he reflected. Building resilience in children depends on helping them develop four core beliefs: (1) they have some control over their lives; (2) they can learn from failure; (3) they matter as human beings; and (4) they have real strengths to rely on and share. Research shows that children who feel a sense of control over their lives are more resilient, even in the face of extreme hardship. Similarly, psychologist Carol Dweck has demonstrated that children with a growth mindset—who view abilities as skills that can be developed—respond better to adversity than those with a fixed mindset who see abilities as innate. Mattering—knowing that others notice you, care about you, and rely on you—is equally crucial. In Denmark, mattering is part of the school curriculum. During a weekly hour called Klassen Time, students come together to discuss problems and help one another. Danish children do this every week from age six until high school graduation. When children present their problems, they feel listened to, and when classmates seek their guidance, they feel they can make a difference. The fourth belief, recognizing personal strengths, can be critical after traumatic events. Kayvon Asemani was nine when his father violently assaulted his mother, leaving her brain-dead. Yet Kayvon persevered, drawing on his mother's faith in him. A friend's father helped him apply to the Milton Hershey School, where teachers helped Kayvon discover and develop his strengths. Music became his salvation, giving him hope and a way to transform darkness into light. As Tim's story illustrates, resilience isn't a fixed trait but a lifelong project built through relationships with caring adults who help children develop these core beliefs. By teaching our children that they have control, can learn from failure, matter to others, and possess unique strengths, we give them the foundation to face whatever challenges life may bring.

Chapter 6: The Workplace Challenge: Failing Forward with Grace

In a year filled with despair, one of the few highlights for Sheryl was watching grown men cry. There were women crying too, but she had seen that more often. It was April 2016, and she was close to crossing the finish line on the Year of Firsts with three dreaded milestones still ahead: her son's first birthday without a father, her first wedding anniversary without a spouse, and the first anniversary of Dave's death. Wanting to create a positive first for her kids, Sheryl took them to SpaceX headquarters to witness an attempt to land a rocket at sea after failing on four previous tries. Their invitation came from CEO Elon Musk, who had experienced his own devastating loss when his first child died suddenly at two and a half months old. On the day of the launch, Sheryl and her children stood with SpaceX employees watching a large screen. The countdown began, and the rocket in Florida took off on time. Each successful milestone brought cheers and high-fives among team members. As the rocket approached the drone ship for its ocean landing, the room grew quiet. Sheryl's heart raced as her children nervously grasped her hands. When one of the rocket's legs lagged behind during descent, the entire room seemed to lean sideways as if trying to correct its position. Miraculously, the rocket tilted back and landed safely. The room erupted in celebration—engineers, technicians, and support staff screaming, hugging, and crying. Sheryl and her children cried too, deeply moved by this triumph born from repeated failure. Management researchers studied what predicts space flight success by tracking launches globally across five decades. Surprisingly, they found that the more times an organization had failed, the more likely they were to succeed on the next attempt. Even more telling, chances of success increased after a rocket exploded compared to a smaller failure. We learn more from failure than success, and we learn more from bigger failures because we scrutinize them more closely. When SpaceX first attempted a launch, the engine caught fire and the rocket was destroyed. Elon had asked for the top ten risks beforehand, and the problem turned out to be number eleven. The second launch failed for a minor reason, and the third would have succeeded if not for a tiny software bug. "When that third failure happened, I was just shredded," Elon reflected. But by persisting through these setbacks, SpaceX eventually achieved what seemed impossible. At Facebook, Sheryl and her team embrace this learning mindset with the motto "Move fast and break things." When summer intern Ben Maurer accidentally crashed the site for thirty minutes while debugging, rather than criticizing him, their lead engineer announced they should deliberately trigger failures more often—preferably in ways that don't crash the site. They named this practice "Ben Testing" and hired Ben full-time. This approach contrasts sharply with typical work cultures that showcase successes while hiding failures. Yet teams that openly discuss mistakes outperform those that don't. After visiting the Marine Corps Base Quantico, where formal debriefs follow every mission and training session, Sheryl implemented similar practices at Facebook. She encourages colleagues to have at least one difficult conversation each month, emphasizing that feedback should always go both ways. This culture of openness has transformed how her team handles setbacks and builds resilience. The lesson is clear: organizational resilience comes from creating environments where failures become stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks. By embracing vulnerability, learning from mistakes, and supporting each other through challenges, we build workplaces where both people and ideas can flourish.

Chapter 7: Finding Joy Again: Reclaiming Happiness After Trauma

The first week of middle school, Sheryl's best friend informed her she wasn't cool enough to hang out with. This painful breakup turned into a blessing when three girls welcomed her into their circle. They became friends for life, adding three more in high school. "The Girls," as they still call themselves, have advised Sheryl on everything from prom attire to career decisions to parenting challenges. In fall 2015, the daughter of one of The Girls was becoming a bat mitzvah. Part of Sheryl didn't want to attend. Just days before he died, Dave and she had picked a date for their son's bar mitzvah. The thought that Dave wouldn't be at their child's ceremonial transition to adulthood cast a pall over the occasion. But during the dark summer months after his death, The Girls had checked in daily and taken turns visiting. By showing up repeatedly, they proved she wasn't alone. At the service, sitting with The Girls and their families felt deeply comforting. The ceremony ended with the recitation of the Kaddish, the prayer for those who have died. Instantly, six hands reached out to Sheryl from all directions, holding her tightly as they got through it together. At the party that night, the DJ played "September" by Earth, Wind & Fire, and Brook Rose—the cutest boy from their high school class—led Sheryl to the dance floor. As they danced and sang, she suddenly burst into tears. Brook guided her to the outdoor patio and asked what was wrong. Sheryl realized it wasn't missing Dave that upset her, though she knew exactly what that felt like. It was something different. Dancing to an upbeat song from childhood had momentarily freed her from loneliness and longing. She wasn't just okay—she was happy. And that happiness was immediately followed by overwhelming guilt. How could she be happy when Dave was gone? This collision of joy and guilt is what psychologists call survivor guilt—another secondary loss from death. When people lose loved ones, they experience not just grief but remorse, creating a painful cycle: "Why am I the one still alive?" followed by gratitude—"I'm glad it wasn't me"—quickly washed away by shame—"I'm a bad person for feeling happy." This guilt becomes another barrier to healing. Dave's brother Rob offered a breakthrough insight: "Since the day Dave met you, all he ever wanted was to make you happy," he told Sheryl, his voice breaking. "He would want you to be happy—even now. Don't take that away from him." Sheryl's sister-in-law Amy helped her see how her mood affected her children, who told Amy they felt better because "Mommy stopped crying all the time." With this encouragement, Sheryl decided to "take back" activities she had shared with Dave. Rather than abandon them, she and her children embraced them as ongoing parts of their lives. They played Settlers of Catan (which they'd been playing when Dave collapsed), watched Game of Thrones, and continued the poker education Dave had begun with their children. "We take it back" became their mantra. Virginia Schimpf Nacy, who lost her husband suddenly at 53 and then lost her son to a heroin overdose the night before her daughter's wedding, offers profound wisdom: "Both deaths are woven into the fabric of my life, but they're not what define me. Joy is very important to me. And I can't count on joy to come from my daughter or anyone else. It has to come from me. It is time to kick the shit out of Option B." Research shows that happiness comes not from intense positive experiences but from their frequency. By deliberately seeking small moments of joy—listening to music, seeing art, connecting with friends—we reclaim our capacity for happiness. As U2's Bono said, "Joy is the ultimate act of defiance." After tragedy, allowing ourselves to experience happiness isn't betrayal but triumph—taking back what was stolen from us.

Summary

The journey through Option B reveals a fundamental truth about human resilience: it's not something we're born with but something we build together. When life's floor drops from beneath us—whether through loss, illness, failure, or injustice—we discover that bouncing back isn't enough. We must bounce forward, transforming our pain into greater strength, deeper appreciation, and more meaningful connections. The stories woven throughout this exploration illuminate pathways through the darkest moments. We learn to overcome the three P's of personalization, pervasiveness, and permanence that trap us in despair. We discover the healing power of community and the essential role of self-compassion. We find that failing forward with grace becomes possible when we create environments where vulnerability is valued. Most importantly, we see that reclaiming joy isn't betrayal but an act of defiance—a declaration that pain will not have the final word. Through these insights, we come to understand that while Option A may no longer be available, Option B can still be beautiful. As we build resilience muscle by muscle, day by day, we find not just the strength to endure but the capacity to thrive again. The light within each of us cannot be extinguished, and when we shine together, even the deepest darkness must eventually yield.

About Author

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Sheryl Sandberg

SHERYL SANDBERG is chief operating officer at Facebook, overseeing the firm's business operations. Prior to Facebook, Sheryl was vice president of Global Online Sales and Operations at Google, chief of staff for the United States Treasury Department under President Clinton, a management consultant with McKinsey & Company, and an economist with the World Bank. Sheryl received a BA summa cum laude from Harvard University and an MBA with highest distinction from Harvard Business School. Sheryl is the co-author of Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy with Wharton professor and bestselling author Adam Grant, which will be released April 24, 2017. She is also the author of the bestsellers Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead and Lean In for Graduates. She is the founder of the Sheryl Sandberg & Dave Goldberg Family Foundation, a nonprofit organization that works to build a more equal and resilient world through two key initiatives, LeanIn.Org and OptionB.Org (launching April 2017). Sheryl serves on the boards of Facebook, the Walt Disney Company, Women for Women International, ONE, and SurveyMonkey.

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