Raising Girls Who Like Themselves

Raising Girls Who Like Themselves Plot Summary

Introduction

The scene is a mothers' group meeting. An eighteen-month-old girl crawls on a floor strewn with toys and other toddlers. A worn plastic plate of cupcakes is passed around. One mother refuses the plate. "I can't have any," she says. "They're two points each and I've already had too many points today." She's doing Weight Watchers to lose her baby weight. Another mother pipes up, "I can't have any either. I've been such a pig today." And faster than you can say "body shame," the weight comments go viral around the room. These women are not just hurting themselves with this "fat chat"—their little girls are watching and learning from their mothers. Before these toddlers are old enough to walk away, before they are able to question the insanity of it all, these little girls are listening to women congratulating themselves for losing weight or criticizing themselves because they haven't. They're learning, quite literally at their mother's knees, that mummy should deprive herself, that she is too fat—and that it matters. This book offers a radically different vision for raising girls who like themselves authentically and unconditionally. Through research-backed strategies and real-life examples, parents will discover how to nurture girls who trust their bodies, speak their minds, embrace their strengths, and recognize that their worth extends far beyond appearance or achievements.

Chapter 1: Power Perspective: Helping Girls Build Self-Confidence

Five-year-old Elly is sitting at the kitchen table with her twelve-year-old cousin, Jessica. Jessica has been learning about portrait painting in art class, so the girls decide to paint portraits of Elly's Emma Wiggle doll. Jessica's portrait turns out beautiful, capturing the doll's likeness perfectly. Elly's portrait, meanwhile, looks like a cross between a yellow and black oil slick and roadkill—exactly what you'd expect a five-year-old to produce. Little Elly compares the two paintings and her shoulders slump. "Mine is bad. I'm stupid," she says. Her dad immediately jumps in: "Your painting is great," he assures Elly. "It's so good it should be in an art gallery. You are a great artist." In response, Elly scrunches up her painting in frustration. "No, it isn't. Jessica's painting is good. Mine looks like a poo." Tears are brewing in her sweet little eyes. "Don't worry, honey, I'll paint Emma doll for you," says Dad, undeterred. He whips up a quick portrait of Emma. He's no artist but it's quite good, even if he does say so himself. Dad is feeling pretty good about himself at this point. As for Elly, not so much. The problem with "You are awesome!" parenting is that, in hindsight, it's turned out to be completely ineffective. Research shows that merely repeating positive statements does little to raise mood or inspire achievement. This approach gets cause and effect backwards. High self-esteem doesn't breed success. It turns out that success and competence give rise to high self-esteem. Telling little Elly that her painting was worthy of being displayed in a national gallery did not make Elly feel good, as Dad had intended. Elly may be only five, but she's not blind and she's not an idiot. She could plainly see that Jessica's painting was better than hers. Dad rushing in to solve Elly's problem by painting a picture for her did not help matters either. All that did was show Elly that, despite what Dad said, he also thinks Elly's painting is rubbish. In fact, it was so bad he needed to redo it for her. If we want to foster genuine self-confidence in girls, we need to help them develop what the authors call a "power perspective" - the belief that they can influence outcomes in their lives through their own efforts. A girl with a power perspective doesn't see setbacks as permanent or defining; she sees them as temporary obstacles she can overcome. When we enable girls to experience struggles and then master challenges on their own, we give them the foundation for authentic confidence that no empty praise could ever provide.

Chapter 2: Body Confidence: Teaching Girls to Love Their Bodies

A friend's daughter recently came home from kinder in tears because another kid had called her fat. She is four years old. As a parent it's heartbreaking to see your child being teased, and it's very difficult to know what to say and do. The mother's first instinct was to reassure her daughter that she wasn't fat, or to put her on a diet to "fix" the problem. But both of these approaches would only reinforce the message that there is something wrong with being fat, and that her body is the problem. Many parents fall into the trap of thinking they need to manage their daughters' appearance. They believe that if they make their daughter aware of her flaws, and instill in her a fear of becoming fat, then she will develop body vigilance and stay thin, which will allow her to lead a happy life. The problem with this thinking is that it doesn't work. There is no evidence to suggest that having a positive body image leads people to get fat. Meanwhile, there is plenty of research that shows that having a poor body image isn't conducive to happiness or health—and it may even lead to weight gain. Constantly telling your daughter she is beautiful is unlikely to build her body confidence. In fact, it's likely to be self-defeating, making her think that her beauty is her most important quality. When she inevitably feels like she doesn't measure up, she will feel worthless. The key to your daughter's body confidence is reducing how much she cares about whether or not she's seen as "beautiful." Parents often prioritize weight over wellness, appearance over ability. This dangerous focus teaches girls to mistrust their bodies from a young age. Girls as young as five report worrying about their weight and appearance. Three mothers told the authors of their daughters saying that they'd like to get a knife and slice off part of their stomach. All of these girls are under ten and yet they want to slice themselves like a Christmas ham. True body confidence isn't about your daughter strutting her stuff in a bikini or posing for selfies. It's about her trusting her body to do all she needs to do so she can live the life she wants. It's about liking and respecting her body enough to want to care for it, and not allowing negative feelings about her body to get in the way of living her life. Don't talk about the appearance of your daughter's body, your body, or anyone else's body. The more she values bodies for what they do rather than how they appear, the more likely she is to develop body confidence.

Chapter 3: Body Autonomy: Empowering Girls to Own Their Bodies

A few years ago, a man serving coffee in a regular cafe said to one of the author's daughters, "Give us a kiss." Inside, the mother was screaming, "Don't ask my daughter to kiss you! It's creepy!" Despite her own bad experiences from childhood, she didn't intervene on her daughter's behalf. She stood by silently and watched as her little girl hesitated, flinched and then obliged. As far as the mother could tell, the man wasn't being predatory. She didn't want to offend him or cause a scene. She was being the people-pleasing Good Girl that she's trying to teach her girls not to be. She prioritized social harmony and appeasing a relative stranger over the wishes of her daughter. By remaining silent and acquiescing to a stranger's request for her daughter's affection, she effectively told her daughter, "It's okay to say no – unless you make someone else feel awkward or embarrassed and then it's not okay to say no." Body autonomy is the idea that all of us, children included, own our bodies and have the right to make decisions about them. This applies particularly to girls—and the women they grow into. Often girls and women are taught in thousands of different ways that their bodies exist for the pleasure of others, that they need to change their bodies or their appearance to fit in with whatever other people think is acceptable. The ritual of demanding instant affection from children is one of those tiny, everyday lessons in which we teach children—especially girls—that they should tailor their emotional responses to please others. A girl quickly learns that it's more important she doesn't upset Grandpa (or Grandma, or her uncle or aunt) than it is for her to feel comfortable. A girl must do something with her body she doesn't want to do to please someone else. The lesson: the girl does not own her body. To build genuine body autonomy, parents need to follow a simple guiding principle: if it's not harmful and it's not permanent, then their daughter gets to decide about her body. This might mean allowing her to choose her own clothes (even if they're mismatched), decide when to cut her hair, or determine if she wants to wear makeup for play. Most importantly, it means respecting her right to say no to physical affection from anyone—including relatives—and supporting her when she does. By demonstrating that we honor her boundaries now, we give her the foundation to maintain those boundaries in increasingly complex situations as she grows up.

Chapter 4: Finding Calm: The Importance of Play and Rest

Our generation of parents seems to be more invested in our children's performance and development than any other in history. Fifty years ago, if your kid was alive and fed at the end of the day then you could pat yourself on the back for a job well done. But we now pour an extraordinary amount of our time, money and effort into helping our kids achieve milestones early, thrash their friends on the sporting field, get higher marks on their tests, get their black belts sooner, and play instruments more proficiently. For many, childhood has become an endless self-improvement boot camp. When it comes to the pursuit of extracurricular activities and "learning opportunities," parental anxieties run deep. It's not unusual for girls to do lessons such as ballet, martial arts, gymnastics, academic tutoring, athletics, tennis, piano, basketball, drama or violin, with something on every afternoon after school or preschool. In order to maintain this lifestyle, families are scheduled like an air traffic control tower. Every minute is accounted for, not a moment is wasted, in a delicate balance of interdependencies. While this constant stress and pressure might be normal and even appropriate in air traffic control towers, it's a shortcut to sucking the joy and fun out of family life. Very often it can turn our daughters (and us too!) into exhausted, anxious balls of stress. Many parents believe that this level of intense activity is maximizing their daughter's potential and optimizing her opportunities in life. They sacrifice, often without intending to, their daughter's sleep, playtime and spontaneity in pursuit of these aims. The research shows that one of the first casualties in the life of an over-scheduled child is play. We often don't appreciate just how important it is. Psychologists call the state of being completely absorbed in play "flow." Researcher Georgina Manning explains: "Flow is when they totally lose track of time and have full engagement in enjoyable activities that don't necessarily have an outcome or are achievement-based, such as winning a game." Examples of flow activities include constructing Lego, drawing, creating something, playing with friends, imagination games, and reading. Play isn't just fun—it's fundamental to development. Through play, children's brains evolve; it's how they develop creativity, acquire the ability to process information, regulate emotions, and manage behavior. It's also how they learn to get along with others. By allowing our girls time for genuine play—not structured, adult-led activities disguised as play—we give them the opportunity to discover who they are and what they enjoy, all while building crucial cognitive and emotional skills. Combined with adequate sleep, which is non-negotiable for physical and mental health, unstructured play forms the foundation for a calm, centered child who can truly thrive.

Chapter 5: Developing Independence: Fostering Mastery and Self-Reliance

Do you remember the first time you rode a bike on your own? Perhaps you don't recall the exact time or day, but you probably remember the emotion. The feeling of propelling yourself under your own steam, of finally getting the hang of it, legs working in harmony with the cranks, keeping balanced while managing to steer is a defining moment in childhood. We talk about it, reminisce about it, record it. Why is bike riding such a momentous event in a child's life? One reason is that not only is it hard to do, it is something that a child must do all on their own. While parents can encourage and help them to get their balance, bike riding is something that every child must do by themselves. For many children it is likely one of the first times that they are old enough to remember having a sense of mastery, of doing something by themselves that comes after a period of struggle, frustration, failure, persistence, and then success. The bliss, pride and empowerment that a girl feels when she first rides a bike on her own cannot be replicated by anything we do for her, say to her, or give her. You can't manufacture that experience or buy it in a bottle. You can't give the life-affirming satisfaction of mastery to someone else. It can only be experienced firsthand. This feeling is the essence of life, these moments are what we live for. And they cannot occur without parents giving their children the gift of frustration and failure. One way to instill independence and mastery is to live by the following rule: only do for her what she can't do for herself. This rule applies to everyday activities like dressing herself, tying her own shoelaces, making her bed, carrying her schoolbag, or baking a cake where she pours in the flour and sugar and cracks the egg. Wendy Mason, director of early learning at an independent school, says: "Children love responsibility. It's an opportunity to meet high expectations of themselves and to experience what it's like to be in the adult world." The key to developing genuine self-esteem is allowing girls to struggle, fail, and ultimately succeed on their own terms. When a girl overcomes challenges through her own efforts, she builds a lasting sense of confidence that no amount of praise or external validation can provide. By celebrating both her failures (as learning opportunities) and her successes (as evidence of her capabilities), parents can help their daughter develop the resilience and self-reliance she'll need to navigate an increasingly complex world with confidence.

Chapter 6: Building Relationships: The Power of Connection

Ten years ago Canadian primary-school teacher Dana Kerford started to notice something odd about her students. On some days, the kids in her maths class were curious little sponges, soaking up the contents of her lessons. On other days, they were sieves, barely able to retain anything from the lessons. Kerford started looking for a pattern to explain the difference in her students' willingness and ability to learn. She quickly discovered that one of the most significant factors influencing whether or not her class learned anything that day had nothing to do with her lesson plan or her abilities as a teacher. What did seem to make a difference was what had happened in the schoolyard at playtime. When her students felt like they didn't have any friends, were being excluded from a friendship group, or were struggling to deal with conflict, teasing or bullying, they became so preoccupied with and overwhelmed by what was going on in their social lives that they were unable to learn. Kerford realized that if she wanted her class to master fractions or geometry, she first had to teach them how to get along with each other. This insight led her on a journey to teach children social skills in order to strengthen their relationships with their peers, deal with conflict in productive ways and reduce their friendship problems. Education departments, schools and parents spend oodles of money, time and effort developing, measuring and endlessly critiquing the best methods to teach our children to read, write and add numbers. But one of the biggest advantages we can give our daughters to boost their learning is to teach them how to be a good friend. One piece of advice the authors had given their daughters in the past was that they should be friends with everyone. But now they're not so sure this is such good advice. Their "Be friends with everyone" theory came from a good place. They didn't want their girls to be deliberately cruel or hurtful to other people. But if they're really honest, they were treating friendships like a numbers game: the more the better. Kerford says that encouraging children to be friends with everybody is a bad idea. "If parents are telling kids to be friends with everyone they are giving dangerous advice because not everyone is good for us," she says. "Some people bring out the best in us and some people bring out the worst, and children should not have to be friends with people who are not good for them." Kerford assures parents that they don't need to worry if their child doesn't have a big group of friends. "One good friend is much better than a whole group of unhealthy friendships," she says. The benefits of strong social skills go beyond the classroom. Kids who have secure friendships based on trust and mutual respect are more comfortable and less anxious in new situations; they are able to be assertive, stating their wishes clearly, and are less likely to be swayed by others. Children who develop good social skills grow up to be more successful adults, and positive relationships are the top protective factor against depression, anxiety, other mental health disorders and loneliness.

Chapter 7: Authenticity: Nurturing a Girl's True Self

Every other week the media seems to serve up a new parenting style. There are tiger parents, helicopter parents, snowplow parents, lawnmower parents, ride-on-lawnmower parents. The authors suggest two more: stone parenting and seed parenting. Stone parents see their child as a column of precious marble. In this approach, the role of the parent is to chip away at the marble, to sculpt and mould the child, bringing forth a masterpiece. Stone parents believe that the child has certain qualities, but that the parents should decide what shape and direction the child will take. In contrast, seed parents view their children as, you guessed it, seeds to be nurtured and grown. These parents see their job as providing the best possible environment for their seed to sprout and then bloom: they supply the fertile soil, nutrients and the trellis against which the child can lean on to grow, but they ultimately let the sapling develop in its own time and in its own way. The environment the parents provide influences the process and the result, but it is the child who ultimately determines what shape they will take and in which direction they will grow. Psychology professor Lea Waters says that it's common for parents to struggle to list their child's strengths. Professor Waters runs workshops on strength-based parenting, which explain the benefits of focusing on children's strengths rather than always trying to correct their weaknesses. She has observed that parents in her workshops often have a hard time coming up with more than a few strengths for their children. It's not that their kids don't have strengths. They absolutely do. It's just that we parents don't tend to notice them. Why is it that many parents can easily list their daughter's weaknesses, issues and problems, and yet flounder when it comes to naming what she does well? Part of the answer to that question may lie in how we were parented ourselves. In the past, a common parenting style was "corrective parenting." Parents saw their main task as fixing weaknesses. They effectively tried to chisel off and "correct" the parts of their child that they presumed would prevent them from becoming successful adults. A girl who likes herself is one who is allowed to be her authentic self, rather than molded into someone else's idea of perfection. This means steering clear of the "Good Girl Syndrome" - where girls are praised only for being sweet, compliant, and selfless. Good Girls learn to suppress their true feelings, needs, and opinions to please others, leading to disconnection from themselves. Instead, parents should nurture their daughter's unique strengths, allow her to express her full range of emotions (even the messy ones), and love her unconditionally - not just when she's "being good."

Summary

The journey to raise a girl who truly likes herself begins with recognizing that self-esteem isn't something we can simply give our daughters through praise or protection. It grows organically when girls develop what the authors call a "power perspective" - the belief that they have agency in their lives and can influence outcomes through their own efforts. This foundation of self-confidence emerges when we allow our daughters to navigate challenges, experience failure, and ultimately achieve mastery on their own terms. Throughout this parenting journey, we must resist the cultural pressures that would have us micromanage our daughters' bodies, relationships, schedules, and identities. Instead, we can create environments where girls can develop authentic body confidence, assert their autonomy, experience restorative calm through play and rest, build genuine relationships, and discover their unique strengths. The most powerful gift we can give our daughters isn't protection from all hardship or constant praise for their achievements - it's our unconditional love and the space to become their true selves. When a girl knows she is loved for who she is, not what she does or how she looks, she develops the unshakable foundation for a lifetime of self-acceptance.

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Kasey Edwards

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