Relationship Goals

Relationship Goals Plot Summary

Introduction

Have you ever felt stuck in a relationship that seems to be going nowhere? Or perhaps you're single and wondering if there's a greater purpose to this season of your life. Many of us struggle with understanding how our relationships fit into God's bigger plan for us. We get caught in cycles of unhealthy patterns, unclear expectations, and misaligned priorities that leave us feeling frustrated and unfulfilled. The truth is that relationships are meant to be a reflection of God's love and purpose for our lives. When we align our relationships with His design, we experience the victory He intended. This journey isn't just about finding the right person or fixing a broken relationship—it's about discovering who God created you to be and how your relationships can help fulfill that purpose. As you explore these principles, you'll find that God has a beautiful plan for every relationship in your life, whether you're single, dating, engaged, or married.

Chapter 1: Discovering God's Purpose Before Finding a Partner

God's plan for relationships begins with understanding your purpose as an individual before seeking a partner. This fundamental principle is often overlooked in our culture's rush to find romance. Your purpose—the unique calling God has placed on your life—should be the foundation upon which all your relationships are built. Consider the story of Doug, a man whose relationships flourished when his relationship with God was strong. As Michael Todd observed, Doug had a thriving family life, successful business partnerships, and generous spirit. His relationships with his wife, children, and friends were healthy and life-giving. However, when Doug's faith began to waver, everything changed. He became pessimistic, judgmental, and isolated. Eventually, his business partnerships failed, his friendships dwindled, his children suffered, and his marriage ended in divorce. What happened to Doug illustrates a powerful truth: when our connection with God weakens, all our other relationships suffer. The foundation crumbles, and everything built upon it becomes unstable. This is why discovering your God-given purpose must precede partnership. Your relationship with God is the ultimate relationship that influences all others. So how do you discover this purpose? Start by cultivating your relationship with God through daily devotional life. Make time to read scripture, pray honestly about your frustrations and insecurities, and worship regularly. As you draw closer to God, He will reveal more about your purpose. This process happens gradually—God reveals purpose bit by bit through prayer, community affirmation, and opportunities to serve and lead. Remember that your purpose may evolve and change through different seasons of life. Be patient with the process and open to God's guidance, even when it feels uncomfortable. Trust that if you're in a difficult place, it's for your growth. God is trying to show purpose in your life. When you understand your purpose before finding a partner, you'll be able to recognize someone who complements that purpose rather than hinders it. The right person for you will be someone who helps you move toward your God-given calling, not someone who pulls you away from it.

Chapter 2: Embracing Singleness as Sacred Preparation

Singleness is not a prison sentence to be endured; it's a sacred season of preparation. Society often makes singles feel incomplete or as if they're in a holding pattern until "real life" begins with marriage. However, this perspective misses the tremendous opportunity that singleness provides for personal development, spiritual growth, and purpose discovery. Diamond's story powerfully illustrates this principle. In her late twenties, Diamond became a successful finance manager at a major corporation in Tulsa. But her journey wasn't always smooth. As a teenager, she experienced sexual abuse that led her into a destructive lifestyle of partying and promiscuity during her first two years of college. After finding Christ through a dorm Bible study, Diamond made a life-changing decision—she stopped dating entirely for a season to focus on healing, self-discovery, and developing her gifts. "I needed to reset my values," Diamond explained. "My values about relationships were all set by culture and family members I'd observed, and the message it taught me was that I needed to be in a relationship at all times. I realized that wasn't true. I needed to discover myself before I was ready to be with a man." During this intentional season of singleness, Diamond transferred universities, completed her bachelor's degree, earned a master's degree, and developed clarity about her future. She turned down every date offer during those years with a simple explanation: "Thanks, but I'm just not ready to date right now." To maximize your singleness, focus on three key areas: invest, imagine, and inspire. Invest in nonromantic friendships that could flourish into lifelong community or in creative passions that might become your career. Imagine yourself financially free and learn to manage your money better, or envision where you'd like to travel and plan the trip. Take time to inspire others by sharing your story or mentoring someone else. The s-word (single) should be worn proudly. This is the time to learn about yourself—your strengths, weaknesses, passions, and the unique person God created you to be. In singleness, you build the foundation that will help your future relationships endure. You develop character, work ethic, emotional health, and spiritual maturity that will be essential for a healthy relationship. God wants you to be self-aware in your singleness, recognizing your own faults and shortcomings so He can work on those areas. This self-knowledge will be invaluable when you eventually enter a relationship. As Michael Todd notes, "Marriage pulls the sheet back on who you really are." The more you understand yourself now, the better prepared you'll be for that revelation.

Chapter 3: Dating with Intention and Clarity

Dating isn't meant to be recreational or casual; it should be intentional and purpose-driven. The difference between recreational dating and intentional dating is the clear goal: to determine whether the person you're dating is right for you to marry. It's about moving toward the covenant of marriage with the right person, in the right way, at the right time. Brandon and Taylor's story illustrates the power of intentional dating. They met at Transformation Church and were attracted to each other, but both had troubled relationship histories. Taylor had experienced a series of sexual relationships, including involvement with a man who drew her into criminal activity. Brandon had been involved in multiple sexual relationships with both men and women and had recently been living with a man. Both had found Christ within the past year and wanted to approach their new relationship differently. Michael and Natalie Todd introduced them to "intentional friendship"—a structured approach to dating that emphasizes building a strong foundation before physical or emotional entanglement. Over several months, Brandon and Taylor discussed their fears and expectations, established clear boundaries for their physical relationship, and explored important topics through guided conversations. This process helped them clarify their values, understand each other better, and determine if they were compatible for marriage. "It focused our passions," Brandon explained. "It helped each of us clarify what we want to do in life and think about how we might be able to help each other." After completing the intentional friendship program, Brandon and Taylor continued dating and eventually married. Their relationship became a testimony to God's ability to transform people when they submit to His design for relationships. If you want to date intentionally, try this 90-day process: First, discuss your relationship fears by writing down and sharing your three greatest concerns about being in a relationship. This vulnerability creates accountability and helps protect each other's hearts. Second, agree on clear boundaries for physical touch, curfews, and other triggers that could lead to compromising situations. Third, have focused conversations using resources like "The Five Love Languages" to understand each other better. After ninety days, evaluate where you stand. Pay attention to patterns, not potential. Everyone has the potential to improve, but can you live with the current patterns you observe? Either proceed with more dating (hopefully leading to engagement and marriage) or end the relationship cleanly, having gained valuable relationship skills without painful emotional damage. Remember that God is working in you, "giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him" (Philippians 2:13). When you invite God into your dating life, He'll give you both the desire to do it right and the power to please Him in your relationships.

Chapter 4: Breaking Free from Unhealthy Soul Ties

Soul ties are powerful emotional, physical, and spiritual connections that form when we become deeply involved with another person. These ties can be godly and constructive, like in marriage or friendship, but they can also be ungodly and destructive, especially when formed through sexual relationships outside of marriage. Caleb and Chloe's marriage illustrates the devastating impact of unhealthy soul ties. Their marriage started with hope and promise but quickly fell apart when Chloe discovered Caleb had hooked up with his ex-girlfriend Jasmine. During counseling with Michael and Natalie Todd, Caleb revealed that he'd had countless sexual partners before marriage, with Jasmine being his most recent girlfriend. Despite falling in love with and marrying Chloe, Caleb couldn't break his connection with Jasmine. "I knew I shouldn't still be with Jasmine," Caleb explained. "And I guess that's why it was so exciting. Keeping that relationship going behind everybody's back was a rush." He also admitted to talking himself into the relationship by repeatedly telling Jasmine things like "We're perfect for each other" and "Nobody understands me like you do," even though these statements weren't true. Through these verbal affirmations, Caleb had strengthened his emotional entanglement with Jasmine—a soul tie that was like a net binding him to her emotionally, physically, spiritually, and verbally. Breaking unhealthy soul ties requires four essential steps. First, call it what it is—recognize the soul tie as a thief robbing you of your purpose. Second, confess it to someone else—a counselor, friend, spouse, or trusted mentor—because healing happens in relationship. Third, cancel it by removing everything that reminds you of the soul tie, which might mean changing your number, moving locations, finding a new job, or changing your social circle. Fourth, cast it by throwing your burden onto God through prayer, asking Him to help you break free. The good news is that soul ties can be broken through God's power. The apostle Paul reminds us that God "raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also" (1 Corinthians 6:14, NIV). If God has the power to raise Jesus from the dead, He certainly has the power to help you break free from unhealthy soul ties. Your unwanted soul tie is no match for the power of God in your life. Remember that these ties not only affect your relationship with others but also your relationship with God. When you form unhealthy soul ties through sexual immorality, you involve Christ in those activities because He lives in you. Breaking free isn't just about improving your human relationships; it's about honoring your relationship with Christ.

Chapter 5: Building a Triangular Marriage with God

A godly marriage isn't just about two people coming together—it's about creating a triangle with God at the apex. The biblical equation for marriage isn't ½ + ½ = 1 but rather 1 + 1 + 1 = 1. One whole man plus one whole woman plus God in their midst creates one healthy marriage. This triangular model reveals a beautiful truth: as each partner draws closer to God, they naturally draw closer to each other. When both husband and wife are connected to God and to each other, they create a stable and fulfilling relationship that can weather life's storms. Michael's parents provide a compelling example of this triangular marriage. Unlike traditional ministry couples where the man leads and the woman supports, Michael's father supported his mother's ministry. "I watched my mom sing, preach, and pray for people all over the world in a leadership role while my dad ran sound, carried bags, and managed her itinerary in the background," Michael recalls. His father's humility allowed both of them to fulfill their purposes and have greater impact together than either could have had alone. After decades of supporting his wife from the shadows, Michael's mother encouraged her husband to share his wisdom with others. Now he leads as a pastor and counselor on the same platforms where he once supported her. Their marriage demonstrates how partners can help each other fulfill their God-given purposes. To build a triangular marriage, both partners must first acknowledge God's ownership of the relationship. He is the solid rock on which the marriage is built. Each spouse must also understand and fulfill their biblical role. Ephesians 5:21-33 outlines these roles: husbands are to love their wives sacrificially as Christ loved the church, and wives are to respect their husbands and submit to their leadership. Next, nurture both your relationship with God and your relationship with your spouse. Spend time praying for your spouse, serving them, expressing your love to them, and giving generously to them. Finally, be willing to evolve and grow. As you discover more about God and more about your spouse, change becomes inevitable and necessary. Remember that marriage is designed to be a reflection of Christ's relationship with the church. When people see a healthy marriage, they should get a glimpse of God's love for His people. This is why marriage is both challenging and sacred—it's meant to be a living picture of divine love.

Chapter 6: Communicating Effectively to Meet Each Other's Needs

Effective communication is the lifeblood of any successful marriage. Understanding and meeting each other's needs requires both knowledge and skill in conveying love in ways your partner can receive. Natalie Todd explains that women typically need three things: security, affection, and communication. Security means providing a safe place for her emotional, physical, and financial well-being. A husband must be a safe place for his wife's dreams, heart, insecurities, failures, and feelings. Affection goes beyond sex to include acts that demonstrate desire for oneness—taking her out to eat, buying thoughtful gifts, writing letters, or simply spending quality time together. Communication involves more than just talking; it requires empathy and relating to her experiences rather than just trying to fix problems. Michael Todd points out that men typically need honor and respect, support, and sex. A wife honors her husband by holding him in high regard, praising him, and speaking well of him to others. She supports him through her presence, encouragement, wisdom, and prayer. And regarding sex, Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 that husbands and wives should fulfill each other's sexual needs and not deprive one another except by mutual agreement for prayer. One of the most important communication skills is speaking each other's love language. Gary Chapman identifies five love languages: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gifts. Everyone has a primary way of giving and receiving love, and misunderstanding these preferences can lead to frustration. Michael and Natalie discovered this truth in their own marriage. Michael's top love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation, while Natalie's are quality time and acts of service. Before understanding this difference, Michael would buy Natalie multiple gifts, expecting enthusiastic appreciation. Instead, her response was often a lukewarm "Oh, thank you." Michael felt unappreciated, not realizing that Natalie would have preferred him to spend time with her rather than money on gifts. Similarly, words of affirmation didn't come naturally to Natalie, but she found creative ways to speak Michael's language. She placed Post-it notes with encouraging messages like "You can champion your day" and "You are handsome" on his bathroom mirror so he would see them when getting ready for work. Learning to communicate effectively also means paying attention to word choice and tone. During conflicts, focus on expressing the real problem rather than secondary emotions like anger or frustration. Be gentle and humble when sharing your feelings. Instead of yelling accusations, try saying something like, "When this happened, it hurt my feelings and made me feel like I wasn't a priority." By understanding each other's needs and communicating effectively, couples can build a strong foundation for their marriage that reflects God's design and brings fulfillment to both partners.

Summary

Throughout this exploration of God's design for relationships, we've discovered that victory comes through aligning our connections with His divine purpose. From embracing singleness as sacred preparation to building a triangular marriage with God at the center, each stage of relationship offers unique opportunities for growth and fulfillment. As Michael Todd reminds us, "Our hope is found in Jesus. And let me tell you a secret: He wants your relationships to work more than you do." The journey toward healthy relationships isn't about perfection but progression. You may make mistakes and poor relational choices along the way, but God's grace is sufficient. Today can be a turning point in your relationship journey—a moment to repent and turn to God. As Acts 3:19-20 promises, "Now repent of your sins and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped away. Then times of refreshment will come from the presence of the Lord." Take one deliberate step today toward aligning your relationships with God's design, whether that means embracing your singleness, dating with intention, breaking unhealthy soul ties, or recommitting to your marriage with God at the center.

About Author

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Michael Todd

Michael Todd is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of RELATIONSHIP GOALS and the lead pastor of Transformation Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Michael's driving passion is re-presenting God to the lost and found for transformation in Christ. Michael speaks at a variety of influential churches, events, and conferences each year, including Elevation Church, C3 Conference, Lakewood Church, VOUS Conference, Relentless Church, XO Conference, and many others. Michael and his wife, Natalie, have been married since 2010 and live in Tulsa, Oklahoma, with their three beautiful children: Isabella, Michael Jr., and Ava.

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