Resurrecting Sex

Resurrecting Sex Plot Summary

Introduction

Sexual intimacy challenges are among the most painful yet least discussed relationship issues couples face. When physical connection falters, it's easy to feel isolated, inadequate, or hopeless about your relationship's future. You might wonder if something is fundamentally wrong with you, your partner, or your compatibility. These doubts can spiral into a cycle of anxiety, avoidance, and growing distance that seems impossible to break. Yet what appears to be a purely physical problem often reveals deeper truths about how we connect emotionally. The path to sexual fulfillment isn't primarily about techniques or performance—it's about creating genuine connection through vulnerability, presence, and emotional regulation. By understanding the complex interplay between your body's responses, your emotional state, and your relationship dynamics, you can transform sexual challenges into opportunities for unprecedented intimacy and growth.

Chapter 1: Understand Your Sexual Response System

Sexual response operates on a threshold principle that's essential to understand if you want to overcome intimacy challenges. Your body has specific thresholds for arousal and orgasm that must be crossed for sexual functioning to occur. When your total level of stimulation exceeds your arousal threshold, your genitals respond physically. Similarly, when stimulation exceeds your orgasm threshold, you experience climax. Sexual difficulties arise when your total stimulation fails to reach these necessary thresholds. Kelly and Donald's story illustrates how relationship dynamics directly impact sexual response. Throughout their fifteen-year marriage, Kelly dominated their relationship with her temper and tirades, while Donald consistently yielded to her. This created a disaster in their bedroom—Kelly hated having sex with someone who clearly feared her, yet she acted like "an avenging angel" whenever she felt threatened. Donald simply wanted Kelly to accept and love him, taking whatever treatment she offered. Not surprisingly, Kelly struggled to reach orgasm, while Donald had difficulty maintaining erections. Their breakthrough came when Donald finally stopped becoming defensive when Kelly attacked. He recognized that during sexual encounters, you can't count on your partner to make things easier—you must hold onto yourself. Donald told Kelly, "I'm not participating in this anymore. If you can't have compassion for yourself, at least have some for me. I'm tired of scurrying around like a scared little mouse whenever you get angry." This moment of self-definition transformed their relationship dynamics. Kelly realized how she demanded Donald accept her verbal lashings as long as she abused herself as well. She discovered that when she couldn't soothe her own anxieties and insecurities, she raged at Donald. To improve your own sexual response system, you need to understand that sexual functioning requires sufficient stimulation across three dimensions: physical sensations, your body's ability to respond to those sensations, and your emotional state during sex. Problems in any of these areas can prevent you from reaching your response thresholds. The good news is that by addressing all three components simultaneously, you can dramatically increase your total stimulation and overcome sexual difficulties. When working with your partner to enhance sexual response, focus on creating an emotional atmosphere of safety and connection. This doesn't mean avoiding all difficult conversations—rather, it means developing the ability to discuss challenges without attacking each other's worth or dignity. Kelly and Donald learned that their sexual difficulties weren't primarily about technique or attraction but about their inability to regulate their own emotional states during intimacy. Remember that your sexual response system is designed to work naturally when given the right conditions. By understanding how it functions and addressing the physical, physiological, and emotional components together, you gain the power to create those conditions and reclaim the intimate connection you desire with your partner.

Chapter 2: Manage Anxiety to Enhance Performance

Anxiety is perhaps the most powerful inhibitor of sexual response, yet it's also the most overlooked. When you're anxious during sex, your body diverts blood flow away from your genitals, releases stress hormones, and activates your sympathetic nervous system—all of which directly interfere with arousal and pleasure. Learning to manage anxiety is therefore essential for resolving sexual difficulties. Phil and Mary's situation perfectly illustrates how anxiety regulation shapes sexual functioning. For over twenty years, Phil almost always had difficulty maintaining an erection during intercourse. Typically, he would withdraw, feeling inadequate, frustrated, and guilty. If they tried again later and Mary consoled him for half an hour, Phil would reliably get and maintain an erection without difficulty. Although they repeated this pattern about forty times a year for decades, neither Phil nor Mary realized how his sexual functioning hinged on receiving consolation and validation from Mary. Phil was anxious and insecure about letting Mary get emotionally close to him, and this anxiety made it hard for him to keep his total stimulation above his arousal threshold. The breakthrough came when Mary's lack of desire became so obvious that she told Phil the truth about their pattern. Phil acknowledged their sexual interactions reflected much of the dynamics in their whole relationship. Instead of ducking for emotional cover, Phil got clear about what was really important to him. He decided that if he lost his erection again, he would continue pleasuring Mary one way or another—it became a point of personal integrity. When they had sex that night, Phil and Mary maintained emotional connection from the outset. Phil had no hint of difficulty on their first attempt at intercourse, or their second, or their third the next morning. They had turned a corner in their relationship. To manage your own anxiety during sex, start by recognizing when you're becoming anxious. Notice physical signs like shallow breathing, racing thoughts, or tension in your body. Then implement these techniques: First, focus on your breathing—slow, deep breaths activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes relaxation and arousal. Second, stay present in the moment rather than worrying about performance or outcomes. Third, communicate openly with your partner about your concerns rather than trying to hide them. Finally, remember that occasional difficulties are normal and don't define your worth as a lover. Developing what psychologists call "self-soothing" skills is crucial for sexual satisfaction. Your ability to calm yourself down, validate yourself, and maintain perspective during challenging moments creates the foundation for genuine intimacy. When Phil learned to soothe his own anxiety rather than depending on Mary to do it for him, he not only resolved his erection difficulties but also transformed their relationship dynamic. The key insight about anxiety management is that it's not just about relaxation techniques—it's about developing emotional maturity. By learning to hold onto yourself during moments of vulnerability rather than becoming defensive or demanding, you create the conditions for both sexual satisfaction and deeper emotional connection with your partner.

Chapter 3: Optimize Physical Stimulation

Physical stimulation forms the foundation of sexual arousal, yet many couples struggle to provide the right kind of touch that leads to satisfying experiences. Optimizing physical stimulation isn't just about finding erogenous zones or mastering techniques—it's about creating meaningful connection through touch that resonates on multiple levels. Nancy and Carl's story demonstrates how transformative mindful physical connection can be. They typically had sex only two or three times a year, with nothing happening for over ten months at a time. Their encounters were awkward and unsatisfying—not something either wanted to repeat. For decades, Carl planted his garden instead, Nancy took their kids to the gym, and they let opportunities for intimacy drift away. When they finally decided to address their problem, Nancy and Carl discovered they had much less actual contact during sex than they ever imagined. Nancy realized she had sex with Carl without the slightest sense of what he was thinking, and the same was true in reverse. She often conducted mental dialogues with herself during sex while Carl went on as if Nancy was still with him, though she was mentally miles away. Their solution began with focusing on maintaining connection during physical touch. Nancy started looking at Carl while they had sex because she didn't know what else to do. Carl noticed this immediately and started paying attention too. Nancy said she just wanted to see him and reached out to touch Carl's cheek. There was no doubt in either of their minds at that moment that they were very much together. This simple act of presence transformed their physical connection from mechanical to meaningful. To optimize your own physical stimulation, start by focusing your attention on the point of physical contact with your partner. As your partner's touch shifts, move your attention with it rather than letting your mind wander. Watch your partner touch you to help stay focused and present. Try to feel your partner's intent rather than just the mechanics of their touch. When touching your partner, focus on the person inside their body rather than just the surface of their skin. The quality of physical stimulation matters far more than quantity. Many couples assume that harder, faster, or more intense stimulation is the answer to sexual difficulties, but often the opposite is true. Slow, mindful touch that builds gradually and responds to feedback creates the conditions for profound arousal and pleasure. Nancy and Carl discovered that when they slowed down and truly paid attention to each other, their physical connection became exponentially more satisfying. Remember that "following your connection" is the key principle here. When something strengthens your sense of connection, do more of it. Stop doing things that don't work, even if you or your partner want to do them or think they should work. Maintaining a relationship involves self-control, and sex is no exception. By prioritizing connection over technique, you create the conditions for both physical pleasure and emotional intimacy. The ultimate goal is to create what therapists call "embodied presence"—being fully present in your body and with your partner during intimate contact. This state of connection generates far more arousal than any specific technique ever could, as Nancy and Carl discovered when they finally learned to truly see and feel each other during their encounters.

Chapter 4: Hold On to Yourself During Intimacy

One of the most challenging aspects of sexual intimacy is maintaining a clear sense of self while deeply connecting with your partner. "Holding on to yourself" means staying grounded in who you are and what you value, even when you feel vulnerable or your partner is pressuring you to conform to their expectations. This skill is essential for resolving sexual problems and creating truly satisfying intimacy. Linda and Charles's story illustrates how holding on to yourself can transform a sexual relationship. Linda had faked orgasms throughout their twenty-year marriage. She never felt good enough for anyone to really love her and was ashamed of not having orgasms. She thought Charles would be crushed if she told him the truth, as he needed her to have orgasms to feel adequate as a lover. After Linda underwent a mastectomy for breast cancer, she emerged from her experience more willing to face who she was, including no longer faking orgasms. Drawing on the strength she discovered during her medical ordeal, Linda told Charles the truth about faking orgasms. The aftermath wasn't immediately positive. Charles felt diminished by Linda's deception and the fact that he'd been clueless. His erection problems worsened, and he began picking on her other shortcomings. Without realizing it, Charles was pushing Linda to become more deferential to reduce his anxiety. Linda started telling Charles about his own limitations, and they became gridlocked. The breakthrough came when Linda suggested they change how they had sex. She proposed that Charles stop trying to "pleasure" her and instead stretch out next to her so she could hold him. Looking beyond his anger and distrust, she could see the man she loved in pain and needing comfort. Charles, torn between his gentleman's obligation to respond graciously and his feelings of inadequacy, chose to hold on to the substance of his beliefs rather than their form. He lay down beside Linda, and they held each other. Holding on to yourself involves four key abilities: maintaining a clear sense of who you are, calming yourself down when anxious, not overreacting to your partner's provocations, and tolerating discomfort for the sake of growth. To practice these skills during intimacy, start by recognizing when you're misrepresenting yourself to gain approval. Notice when you're saying or doing things that don't align with your true feelings or values. Practice self-soothing techniques when you feel anxious rather than demanding your partner calm you down. Respond thoughtfully rather than reactively when your partner becomes provocative or critical. In the months that followed their breakthrough, Linda was able to reach orgasm with Charles for the first time in her life. Reduced anxiety, increased positive emotional contact, and the increased meaningfulness of their sex helped Linda have orgasms she never thought possible. The same conditions returned Charles' erections to their prior reliable nature. Their story demonstrates that holding on to yourself doesn't mean becoming selfish or disconnected—quite the opposite. By maintaining your integrity and emotional regulation, you create the conditions for genuine intimacy. Remember that holding on to yourself isn't about winning arguments or proving points—it's about maintaining your dignity and worth while staying connected to your partner. When both partners can do this, they create a relationship where true intimacy can flourish, as Linda and Charles discovered when they finally learned to be authentic with each other while remaining emotionally engaged.

Chapter 5: Explore Medical Options Wisely

Medical interventions for sexual problems have advanced dramatically in recent years, offering hope to millions of couples. From medications like Viagra to hormone therapies, lubricants, and surgical options, today's solutions are safer and more effective than ever before. However, approaching these options with realistic expectations is crucial for success. Jordan and Helen's experience with Viagra illustrates how medical interventions can transform a sexual relationship when approached thoughtfully. Jordan had been struggling with erection problems, and Helen was initially reluctant about him using Viagra because she thought he was just trying to prove himself. She wanted to know that she was turning Jordan on, not some drug. Jordan showed Helen his intent to be with her by how they went about having sex. Rather than rushing into intercourse as soon as he got an erection, Jordan relaxed and looked at her. Helen saw a different look on his face than she had seen before. Jordan could feel Helen relaxing too, so he relaxed more and deepened his emotional connection with her. Before long, Jordan had no difficulty getting and maintaining erections. Eventually, he faced the inevitable anxiety of having sex without Viagra, if for no other reason than to show himself he didn't "need" it. His erection wasn't as rigid those times, but he and Helen held on to themselves and everything turned out fine. Jordan continued using Viagra intermittently because he liked the firmer erections it provided, but Helen knew he used it as an asset rather than to make up for something lacking in either of them. If you're considering medical options, start with a complete medical evaluation to identify any underlying physical causes. Many sexual difficulties have physical components that can be effectively addressed with appropriate treatment. Begin with the least invasive options (like lubricants) before moving to medications or surgical interventions. Include your partner in the decision-making process, as their acceptance is crucial for success. Maintain realistic expectations about what medical interventions can and cannot do—they can enhance physical response but don't automatically create desire, intimacy, or satisfaction. Medical solutions work best when viewed as tools rather than magic bullets. They can enhance physical response, but they're most effective when combined with improvements in emotional connection and communication. For example, lubricants can enhance physical comfort, but they're most effective when used in the context of a caring, communicative relationship. Similarly, medications like Viagra work better when anxiety is managed and partners feel emotionally connected. Remember that medical interventions don't bypass the need for holding on to yourself and developing your relationship. They simply provide a physical foundation that makes it easier to focus on the emotional and interpersonal aspects of sexuality. Jordan and Helen's success came not just from the medication but from how they used it to enhance their connection rather than substitute for it. By approaching medical options with wisdom and perspective, you can integrate them into a comprehensive approach to sexual fulfillment that addresses both physical and emotional dimensions.

Chapter 6: Transform Problems into Growth Opportunities

Sexual problems, while distressing, often contain hidden opportunities for profound personal and relationship growth. When approached with courage and wisdom, these difficulties can become catalysts for developing greater intimacy, self-awareness, and emotional maturity than might otherwise be possible. Andrew and Gwen's journey illustrates how sexual problems can become growth opportunities. They had struggled with sexual issues throughout their thirty-year marriage. Gwen had never had an orgasm when they first met, and eventually had orgasms only with oral sex (which they rarely did) or with a vibrator. Andrew frequently struggled with premature ejaculation and felt threatened by Gwen's ability to have orgasms by herself. As empty-nesters with retirement approaching, they faced the prospect of future decades together in emotional alienation. Their breakthrough began when Gwen courageously told Andrew she wasn't looking forward to his retirement. Instead of withdrawing as he usually did, Andrew listened. Gwen acknowledged her anger about the years they had wasted and admitted part of her wanted Andrew to hurt when he heard this. Though badly shaken, Andrew didn't attack or leave. He was quiet but not icy. The next day, Andrew told Gwen he wasn't going to withdraw. He was willing to do what he could to have a new life together. He wouldn't pressure her to give up her activities, but he wanted more of a place in her life. As they began spending more time together, they realized they enjoyed each other's company. For the first time in his life, Andrew stopped having rapid orgasms. Gwen got to watch "the iceman" thaw out, both in their bedroom and with their children. As their relationship deepened, they experienced moments of profound connection during sex where time seemed to stop and nothing existed but the two of them. To transform your own sexual problems into growth opportunities, start by viewing difficulties as information about where growth is needed rather than as failures. Look for patterns in your sexual relationship that mirror patterns in other areas of your life. Use sexual problems as opportunities to practice holding on to yourself and developing emotional regulation. Celebrate small improvements rather than expecting instant perfection. The transformation process begins with a shift in perspective. Rather than viewing sexual problems as evidence of inadequacy or relationship failure, see them as invitations to develop untapped aspects of yourself and your relationship. This mindset creates openness to learning and growth even in the midst of frustration. Andrew and Gwen's willingness to face their difficulties directly rather than continuing to avoid them created the conditions for both sexual satisfaction and deeper emotional connection. Remember that the most profound sexual satisfaction comes not from perfect physical functioning but from the courage to be known and accepted by another person. When you use sexual problems as opportunities to develop this courage, you create the conditions for both sexual satisfaction and personal fulfillment. As Andrew and Gwen discovered, the journey through difficulty often leads to experiences of connection and intimacy that wouldn't have been possible without the challenges that prompted their growth.

Summary

The path to sexual fulfillment isn't primarily about perfecting techniques or achieving ideal performance—it's about creating genuine connection through emotional regulation, presence, and vulnerability. Throughout this journey, we've explored how understanding your sexual response system, managing anxiety, optimizing physical stimulation, holding onto yourself, exploring medical options wisely, and transforming problems into growth opportunities can resurrect your intimate connection. As one couple discovered after navigating their sexual difficulties: "When we finally stopped trying to fix each other and started holding onto ourselves, we experienced moments where time seemed to stop and nothing existed but the two of us." Your next step toward reclaiming intimate connection begins with honest self-reflection. Tonight, have a conversation with your partner about one aspect of your sexual relationship you'd like to enhance. Approach this conversation not as a complaint but as an invitation to deeper understanding. Remember that sexual fulfillment emerges not from avoiding challenges but from facing them together with courage, compassion, and a willingness to grow. The difficulties you're experiencing now may contain precisely the growth opportunities you need to create the profound connection you desire.

About Author

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David Schnarch

David Schnarch is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of numerous books and articles on intimacy, sexuality, and relationships. He is the Director of the Crucible® Institute and his work has attracted clients and students from across the globe. His book Passionate Marriage is a perennial bestseller, offering the general public his revolutionary approach in a pragmatic and easy-to-understand form.

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