Sacred Marriage

Sacred Marriage Plot Summary

Introduction

Marriage today is often viewed through the lens of romance and personal fulfillment. Yet beneath the surface of this common perception lies a profound spiritual opportunity that many couples overlook. When we step into marriage, we enter more than a legal contract or emotional bond – we embark on a sacred journey that has the potential to transform our souls. What if the challenges, joys, and daily interactions of marriage were actually designed as a spiritual pathway? The friction points where personalities clash, the moments of breathtaking intimacy, the mundane routines of shared living – all of these experiences can serve as catalysts for profound spiritual growth. Rather than measuring marriage solely by happiness metrics, we might discover that its deeper purpose involves stretching us toward greater holiness, compassion, and Christ-like character. This journey of transformation isn't always comfortable, but it offers something far more valuable than temporary happiness: a soul-enriching partnership that draws us closer to God and reshapes us from the inside out.

Chapter 1: Embracing Marriage as a Spiritual Practice

Marriage as a spiritual practice represents a significant shift in perspective for many couples. Rather than viewing marriage primarily as a source of personal happiness, we can approach it as a sacred path designed to transform us spiritually. This fundamental reorientation changes everything about how we respond to both the joys and challenges of married life. Gary Thomas shares the story of a conversation with his brother about what marriage was like. After reflecting a moment, he answered, "If you want to be free to serve Jesus, there's no question—stay single. Marriage takes a lot of time. But if you want to become more like Jesus, I can't imagine any better thing to do than to get married. Being married forces you to face some character issues you'd never have to face otherwise." This insight reveals how marriage serves as a crucible for spiritual growth, exposing our selfishness, pride, and need for grace. Thomas recounts how his own marriage to Lisa continually reveals aspects of his character that need refinement. In their early years, he would become unreasonably annoyed when Lisa would leave empty ice cube trays in the freezer. "I timed how long it takes to fill an ice cube tray and discovered it's just seven seconds," he explained to his wife in frustration. Eventually, he realized the issue wasn't about ice cubes at all—it was about his own impatience and inability to extend grace over such a minor inconvenience. His marriage was exposing selfishness he might never have recognized otherwise. The spiritual practice of marriage involves intentionally using these moments of friction as opportunities for growth. When conflicts arise—whether over household chores, communication styles, or more significant issues—we can choose to ask: "What might God be trying to teach me through this?" Rather than focusing exclusively on changing our spouse, we can examine our own hearts and ask for divine help in developing patience, forgiveness, and selfless love. This approach requires humility and vulnerability. It means acknowledging that we bring our own brokenness to the relationship and need transformation. Thomas suggests practical steps like starting each day with a prayer: "God, help me focus on my own shortcomings rather than my spouse's," or journaling about what your marital challenges might be teaching you about your spiritual condition. Marriage becomes truly transformative when we embrace it as a divinely appointed relationship that reveals our need for growth and provides the perfect context for that growth to occur. The most spiritually mature couples don't have perfect marriages—they simply approach their imperfect marriages with the understanding that every challenge is an opportunity to become more like Christ.

Chapter 2: Finding God Through Your Relationship

The marriage relationship offers a unique window into understanding God's character and his relationship with humanity. Through the daily experience of loving and being loved by our spouse, we can gain profound insights into how God loves us and what it means to be in relationship with him. Consider the experience of Dr. John Barger, whose testimony provides a powerful example of this principle. As a husband, John had dominated his marriage with an iron hand, ruling over his wife Susan and their seven children while citing Scripture as justification for his authority. His behavior left his family resentful and fearful. By 1983, Susan would have left him if not for their children, and even that bond was losing its force. Then tragedy struck. Their baby was stillborn, and John held the tiny lifeless body in his hands. In that critical moment, he experienced a spiritual awakening about his relationship with his family. "I had the power to make their lives worse by raging against my baby's death and my wife's lack of love, or to make their lives better by learning to love them properly," he reflected. This began a journey of transformation in how he approached his marriage. As John began listening to Susan—truly hearing her for perhaps the first time—he was startled by the depth of her wounds and sorrows. He discovered that many of these weren't unique to Susan but were common to women's experiences: the physical and emotional demands of motherhood, the intensity of loving family members while being unable to shield them from harm, and the societal devaluation of women's perspectives and contributions. John's transformation led him to make significant changes. He began holding his tongue instead of defending himself. He started admitting his faults and apologizing. He chose to listen to Susan rather than dismiss her concerns. Through this process, John not only saved his marriage but discovered profound spiritual truth. "As I had made myself the center of my attention for too many years already, I said little about my own labors and sorrows; I sought to know Susan's, and to help her to bear them," he explained. The spiritual insight John gained was remarkable. He realized that the virtues necessary for truly loving his wife—listening, patience, humility, service, and faithful love—were precisely the same virtues necessary for loving God. Just as his wife spoke quietly, requiring attentive listening to hear her heart, so too does God often speak in whispers that require careful, patient attention to discern. This discovery reveals how marriage can become a training ground for our relationship with God. When we practice sacrificial love toward our spouse, we're learning the very same love that Christ demonstrated on the cross. When we extend forgiveness to our partner, we experience firsthand what it means to both give and receive grace. The daily surrender of our own desires for the good of our spouse teaches us what it means to submit ourselves to God's purposes. Through these parallels, marriage becomes not just a human relationship but a living parable that deepens our understanding of divine love and draws us closer to the heart of God.

Chapter 3: Developing Character Through Shared Challenges

Marriage provides a unique laboratory for character development precisely because of the challenges couples inevitably face together. The difficulties that arise in marriage aren't simply obstacles to happiness—they are opportunities for profound spiritual growth when approached with the right perspective. Abraham Lincoln's marriage illustrates this principle dramatically. His wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, was a woman of intense impulses and tremendous temper. Though initially attracted to her as "the first aggressively brilliant, feminine creature" who had crossed his path, living with her proved immensely challenging. Mary was known for her public outbursts, including once throwing coffee in Lincoln's face, and her unpredictable spending habits, once buying hundreds of pairs of gloves in a bizarre shopping binge. Lincoln developed remarkable patience through these trials. When a salesman called on the White House and was treated to Mary's fervid verbal assault, he marched to the Oval Office to complain about the first lady's behavior. Lincoln listened calmly, then stood and gently said, "You can endure for fifteen minutes what I have endured for fifteen years." Rather than becoming bitter or resentful, Lincoln developed extraordinary patience, wisdom, and compassion through his challenging marriage. The connection between Lincoln's marriage and his mission as president is significant. It's easy to see how a man who might quit on a difficult marriage would likely not have the character to hold together a crumbling nation. Lincoln was virtually obsessed with saving the Union; what better training ground than the difficult marriage that required such tenacity from him? His marriage didn't deter him from achieving greatness—it actually helped prepare him for it by developing the character qualities necessary for his historic leadership. This pattern of growth through marital struggle applies to all couples. When we face financial pressures, health crises, parenting challenges, or simply the friction of different personalities, we have choices about how to respond. We can become resentful and bitter, or we can allow these challenges to develop virtues like patience, forgiveness, perseverance, and selfless love. Thomas suggests several practical approaches to marriage challenges: First, view difficulties as opportunities rather than obstacles—ask what character qualities this challenge might be developing in you. Second, maintain an eternal perspective—remember that character formation has lasting spiritual value beyond temporary comfort. Third, practice gratitude even in difficult seasons, acknowledging what you're learning through the struggle. The beautiful paradox of marriage is that the very challenges that can cause the greatest pain also hold the potential for the most profound growth. When we embrace these challenges as part of our spiritual journey rather than simply trying to escape them, we discover that marriage becomes a powerful catalyst for developing Christlike character that influences every other aspect of our lives.

Chapter 4: Building a Foundation of Forgiveness

Forgiveness forms the bedrock of a spiritually vibrant marriage. Without this essential practice, resentment accumulates, creating emotional distance that can eventually destroy the relationship. Yet forgiveness in marriage isn't a one-time event—it's an ongoing discipline that couples must practice regularly as they navigate life together. Heather Campos' story powerfully illustrates the transformative power of forgiveness in marriage. After nearly twenty-five years in what she described as a "deeply committed" marriage with her husband Rennie, a pastor, her world shattered. Rennie began withdrawing emotionally, spending hours in online chat rooms. When Heather was diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease, Rennie initially denied any infidelity. But on October 16, 1997—a date Heather would never forget—the painful truth emerged: her husband had been unfaithful. The devastation was overwhelming. Yet even in her numbness, Heather turned to Scripture, specifically the book of Hosea, thinking, "God knows about betrayal and unfaithfulness. I need to know how this works." Though biblically she knew she had grounds for divorce, Heather made the difficult decision to pursue forgiveness. "Forgiveness was the harder option, definitely," she acknowledged, "but I never felt in my heart that divorce was the right thing to do." Heather's journey of forgiveness wasn't instantaneous or easy. As more details of Rennie's unfaithfulness emerged over time, forgiveness became a constant discipline. "I remember looking at Rennie and saying, 'I know I have to forgive you. I'm going to.' But I was not flooded with a great sense of forgiveness. I was confronted with the truth of having to forgive. Forgiveness was something I could walk into," she explained. Her pastor assured her that forgiveness doesn't imply or confer trust and doesn't remove the pain, but it was vital to her spiritual survival. The remarkable outcome of Heather's commitment to forgiveness was not just the preservation of her marriage but its eventual renewal. Though she never would have chosen to experience such betrayal, she discovered that "the harder road" of forgiveness produced unexpected spiritual growth. "I've learned that even when we're in great pain, we're not excused from considering others and from carrying out our call to witness to God's faithfulness," she reflected. To build a foundation of forgiveness in marriage, couples can follow several practical steps. First, recognize that forgiveness is primarily about obedience to God rather than feelings. Second, understand that forgiveness is a process, not a one-time event—you may need to relinquish bitterness repeatedly. Third, distinguish between forgiveness (which you can give unilaterally) and reconciliation (which requires both parties' participation). Fourth, seek support from trusted friends, counselors, or pastors when working through significant hurts. The spiritual discipline of forgiveness in marriage mirrors God's forgiveness toward us. When we practice regular forgiveness—for both major betrayals and daily irritations—we experience firsthand what it means to extend and receive grace. This practice not only preserves our marriages but transforms us into people who more clearly reflect Christ's character of mercy and reconciliation.

Chapter 5: Creating Sacred Moments Together

Marriage offers unique opportunities to experience God's presence through intentionally created sacred moments. When couples approach their relationship as a spiritual partnership, ordinary interactions can become holy encounters that draw them closer to each other and to God. Brother Lawrence, a humble 17th-century monk, became famous for his ability to experience God's presence while performing mundane kitchen tasks like peeling potatoes. He felt equally close to God at the altar in prayer as he did in the kitchen. Similarly, married couples can learn to recognize God's presence in the everyday moments of their shared lives—transforming routine into sacred experience. Thomas shares the biblical image from Exodus 25:22, where God promises to meet with his people "between the cherubim" that were positioned on the ark of the covenant. This beautiful picture of God dwelling in the midst of a joining together can apply to marriage. "The presence of God comes to us as two beings are joined," Thomas writes. "God 'dwells' in the midst of this coming together." This principle is reinforced by Jesus' words in Matthew 18:20: "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." For Lisa and Gary Thomas, sacred moments emerged in unexpected ways. When they began working from home together, they gained profound appreciation for each other's daily challenges. Gary witnessed firsthand the cumulative demands of homeschooling their children while managing household responsibilities. Lisa observed Gary's discipline in meeting writing deadlines and handling work pressures. "Over time, we developed a profound appreciation for what the other person was doing," Thomas reflects. This deeper understanding fostered greater empathy and spiritual connection. Creating sacred moments requires intentionality. Couples can begin by establishing regular times for prayer together, even if just for a few minutes each day. Start with simple prayers of gratitude for each other or requests for wisdom in parenting or other shared responsibilities. Some couples find that reading Scripture together or discussing a devotional creates meaningful spiritual connection. Sacred moments also emerge through service to others. Thomas describes his parents who, even in retirement, found themselves ministering to strangers during a camping vacation—spending hours comforting a man who had recently lost his wife. Their shared ministry created spiritual meaning that strengthened their marriage bond. Similarly, couples can look for opportunities to serve together in their church or community. The practice of creating sacred moments transforms marriage from merely a human relationship into a spiritual partnership with divine purpose. When couples consciously invite God's presence into their communication, their physical intimacy, their parenting, and their shared dreams, they experience marriage as it was designed to be—a reflection of God's relationship with his people and a catalyst for spiritual growth that neither spouse could experience alone.

Chapter 6: Growing in Service and Selfless Love

Marriage offers a daily opportunity to practice the core Christian virtue of selfless love through service. In a world that often celebrates self-promotion and personal fulfillment, marriage stands as a countercultural commitment to putting another's needs before our own, mirroring Christ's sacrificial love. Chris Spielman, a four-time All-Pro NFL linebacker, demonstrated this selfless love powerfully. In 1997, his wife Stefanie was diagnosed with breast cancer just as preseason football camp was beginning. Faced with the reality that Stefanie would need significant support through six weeks of chemotherapy while caring for their two young children (both under five), Chris made a remarkable decision. Despite being at the height of his career, he took a year off from football to care for his wife and children. "It was my test," Chris told People magazine. "It was my defining moment." Though Stefanie didn't want Chris to sacrifice his career, he was resolute: "[Stefanie] always supported me one hundred percent. I had to offer it back." His daily service included waking early to feed the children, preparing Stefanie's breakfast, doing laundry, taking the kids to gymnastics lessons, and ensuring Stefanie received her medication. Chris explained his motivation simply: "For ten years our entire lives had been about me. My career came first, always. Stefanie made every sacrifice in the world to support me unconditionally.... This is my family. This is my responsibility. This is my home. This is my duty." This kind of selfless service reflects Paul's instruction in Philippians 2, where he urges believers to "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." Paul points to Christ as the ultimate example—one who, "being in very nature God," took "the very nature of a servant." Marriage provides the perfect context to practice this Christ-like servanthood. Selfless service in marriage takes many forms beyond dramatic sacrifices like Chris Spielman's. It includes daily choices to listen attentively when we're tired, to help with household tasks without being asked, to speak words of affirmation rather than criticism, and to honor our spouse's needs and preferences alongside our own. It means serving not just when it's convenient or noticed but consistently and often invisibly. To grow in selfless love, Thomas suggests several practical approaches. First, start each day asking, "How can I serve my spouse today?" Second, identify your spouse's love language and serve them in ways that speak most meaningfully to them. Third, practice "dying to self" in small daily decisions—choosing a restaurant your spouse prefers or a movie they want to watch. Fourth, view difficult seasons (like illness or job loss) as opportunities to demonstrate sacrificial love rather than as burdens to endure. The paradox of selfless service is that it leads not to depletion but to fulfillment. When marriage becomes merely about getting our own needs met, it grows hollow and unsatisfying. But when we embrace our role as servants—following Christ's example of washing his disciples' feet—we discover the profound joy that comes from giving ourselves away. As Thomas notes, "There is true joy when true service is offered up with a true heart." Through this daily practice of selfless love, our marriages become living testimonies to the transformative power of Christ's love working through us.

Summary

Throughout this exploration of marriage as a spiritual journey, we've discovered how the challenges and joys of married life can transform us from the inside out. As Francis de Sales wisely observed, "The state of marriage is one that requires more virtue and constancy than any other. It is a perpetual exercise of mortification... From this thyme plant, in spite of the bitter nature of its juice, you may be able to draw and make the honey of a holy life." This profound truth reveals the paradox at the heart of marriage—that its greatest difficulties often yield its sweetest spiritual fruits. Today, consider how you might reframe your marriage as a spiritual partnership rather than merely an emotional or practical arrangement. Ask yourself: "What character quality is God trying to develop in me through my current marital challenges?" Then take one specific action to serve your spouse with the selfless love of Christ—whether through an act of forgiveness, a moment of attentive listening, or a sacrifice of your own preferences. In doing so, you'll begin to experience the soul-enriching potential of marriage as God designed it—not just as a path to happiness, but as a sacred journey toward holiness.

About Author

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Gary L. Thomas

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