Sheet Music

Sheet Music Plot Summary

Introduction

Jim and Karen had been virgins when they married twenty-one years ago. Their expectations about sex were unrealistic, and for fifteen years, their intimate life was characterized by trial and error. Jim would interpret Karen's occasional moans as evidence he had found "the key" to her pleasure, only to repeat the same technique endlessly, turning what once excited her into something predictable and uninspiring. Karen, for her part, never understood why her husband seemed unable to recognize her changing needs. Everything changed when they sought help. Jim discovered that just as Karen's closet contained fifty pairs of shoes to his three, she craved variety in their sexual relationship. He needed to recognize that his wife wasn't the same woman on Tuesday evening as she was on Saturday morning. Sometimes she wanted adventure or a quick passionate encounter; other times, she preferred slow, languid intimacy. This insight transformed their marriage. Sexual fulfillment became the glue that held them together through difficult times, creating a bond that permeated their entire relationship and benefited their children, who sensed the security of their parents' loving connection. By understanding and responding to each other's needs, Jim and Karen discovered that sexual intimacy could be a symphony rather than just noise—a journey of mutual discovery that strengthened every aspect of their life together.

Chapter 1: Foundations of Marital Intimacy: Understanding the Symphony

Mark and Brenda had been sexually active before marriage, and paradoxically, their intimate life had cooled significantly after their wedding. The excitement that had characterized their early relationship gradually diminished until sex became almost an embarrassing afterthought—something they did because they thought they should, about once a month. Under tremendous stress from his high-pressure sales job, Mark faced a devastating professional setback when he lost a major account he had been certain was secured. Dejected and seeking comfort, he called Brenda and simply asked, "Can we just go out tonight?" It was an emotional plea more than a physical one, but Brenda, disconnected from her husband and unable to read the emotion in his request, responded curtly: "Mark, it's five o'clock! I can't get a babysitter this late. What are you thinking?" Mark wanted to tell Brenda he missed her. He longed for her to be the eager woman she used to be, willing to prioritize their connection. But having already been rejected once that day, he retreated into defensiveness. "Ah, forget it," he said, hanging up the phone. He stopped at a pub and stayed out until late, knowing he'd face criticism from Brenda but feeling she didn't understand his needs. The distance between them grew. Mark turned to masturbation and pornography to meet his physical needs, while Brenda focused on the children, neither addressing the emotional chasm widening between them. They lived out the sad truth captured in an anonymous poem about a couple who lost each other somewhere between "the oldest child's first tooth and the youngest daughter's graduation," building a wall "cemented by the mortar of indifference." Sexual fulfillment is not just a physical release but a powerful bond that connects a couple on multiple levels. When approached with mutual care and understanding, sexual intimacy creates a special connection that affects every aspect of marriage. Like the musical score in a movie that transforms a good scene into an unforgettable one, sex colors a marriage from top to bottom. In a world filled with humdrum responsibilities and obligations, intimate connection offers a transcendent experience that allows couples to step away from daily stresses and reconnect with each other in profound ways. When this aspect of marriage is neglected, couples often find themselves living parallel lives, increasingly distant and disconnected, until they barely recognize the person sharing their bed.

Chapter 2: The Sexual Rulebook: Breaking Free from Hidden Barriers

"Your marriage bed is one of the most crowded places on the face of the earth," I often tell couples in counseling. "It is teeming with people, some of whom you've never met, but they're all there—all affecting your sexual intimacy, looking over your shoulder, and shaping the quality of your sexual pleasure." When I explain that their parents are lurking under their pillows and their siblings are at the foot of the bed, most couples look at me with confusion. What I'm talking about is the invisible but powerful "rulebook" that each person brings into marriage—unconscious beliefs about how things should be done, especially in bed. Take Cheryl and Melissa. Cheryl wants surprise, spontaneity, and variety in her sex life. She's most offended by boredom and wants her husband to keep her guessing. One of her favorite memories is when her husband brought home baby oil and a tarp to put over the bedsheets, creating a slippery, messy, but incredibly fun encounter. Melissa, on the other hand, hates surprises. She needs at least twenty-four hours' notice before sex, insists on towels beneath both partners, and requires proper showering within thirty minutes of beginning intimacy. The thought of making a mess during sex would turn her off completely. These different expectations come from our upbringing, our birth order, and our early childhood experiences. Firstborn children like Andy often need to control sexual encounters, while lastborns like Cheryl typically enjoy spontaneity and fun. Middle children tend to be accommodating but rarely initiate. These differences in sexual rulebooks can create profound misunderstandings if not addressed. The challenge lies in recognizing and editing your rulebook. This begins by examining your tendencies based on your past. Did your father abuse your mother, making it difficult for you to trust men? Did your mother teach you that "nice girls don't enjoy sex"? Were you sexually abused, creating fear around physical intimacy? Once you understand these influences, you can begin making conscious choices to change problematic patterns. You might deliberately practice unfamiliar behaviors—the woman who needs a towel might try a spontaneous encounter in the kitchen, or the controlling man might let his wife take charge. Editing your sexual rulebook isn't easy, but it's essential for creating a fulfilling intimate life. By recognizing where your beliefs and inhibitions come from, you can begin to question whether they serve your marriage or harm it. The freedom to express love physically without unnecessary constraints is one of the most beautiful gifts couples can give each other—a journey toward vulnerability, trust, and deeper connection that enhances every aspect of your relationship.

Chapter 3: Creating Musical Harmony: Techniques for Mutual Pleasure

I was dumber than mud when I got married. When it came to our honeymoon, I never considered taking Sande to a luxury hotel. Instead, we spent our first night at a Travel Lodge in Yuma, Arizona—in August, when the heat makes hell seem like Buffalo in January. And rather than planning romantic activities, I took her to a California Angels–New York Yankees series because Mickey Mantle was coming to the West Coast! Looking back, I cringe at my cluelessness. Yet somehow, Sande and I survived. While today's couples may be better at planning honeymoon locations, many still lack basic knowledge about starting their marriage on the right sexual footing. That's why I often use a violin analogy in premarital counseling. I hand a violin to the young man and ask him to play. When he protests that he doesn't know how, I insist, "It's not rocket science. There's the bow, there are the strings. Rub the bow across the strings." The terrible squeaking noise that results makes everyone flinch. "That's good," I say. "For a first attempt, that was good. You made noise. Now here's the problem: We need to make music." The first night of marriage might result in more noise than music, but that's no reason to be discouraged. Like learning to play an instrument, becoming a good lover requires training and practice. Your assignment for the honeymoon is to learn the complexities of each other's bodies, strengths, and desires—an on-the-job training you'll both enjoy despite occasional awkwardness. For that first night, men need to follow the ASAP principle—not "as soon as possible" but "as slow as possible." Walking out of the bathroom nude and fully aroused can be shocking rather than arousing to a new bride. Going three times slower and ten times more gently than you think necessary is wise advice. Women should be specific about their expectations and desires, creating a comfortable environment for both of you. Remember that sex is about relationship more than technique. Set realistic expectations for your first night together. You have decades to explore each other sexually—the first night will be special because of its meaning, not because of extraordinary technique. Most couples would rate their wedding night a C at best, and that's perfectly normal. It takes time to create a beautiful symphony together. The magic of marital sexuality lies in the journey of mutual discovery. As you learn each other's bodies, preferences, and responses, you create a unique language of love that belongs only to the two of you. This shared experience of vulnerability and pleasure builds a foundation of trust and intimacy that strengthens every aspect of your relationship. With patience, communication, and a willingness to learn, the music of your marriage will grow increasingly beautiful over time.

Chapter 4: Beyond Performance: The Emotional Landscape of Sex

Many women are surprised when I tell them that a large percentage of men are jealous of their orgasms. Though women often initially have more difficulty achieving orgasm, once they do—from a man's perspective—it looks like the world is exploding. Women seem to build slowly and then ride wave after wave of pleasure. Even more, when they finally reach orgasm, they can keep going! Most men—at least those over thirty—are down and out for at least half an hour after climaxing. This difference reflects just one of the many ways men and women experience sexuality differently. Women have more control over their orgasms. While men will eventually cross a point of no return where they simply can't control whether orgasm occurs, women can stop at virtually any point. A wife can be riding waves of ecstasy, just seconds away from falling into the ocean of orgasm, but then hear a baby cry or think she hears a neighbor outside the window, and suddenly, she's as far from an orgasm as Australia is from the North Pole. One of the most common sexual problems in marriage is women having difficulty achieving orgasms. Jessica confessed that, even after ten years of marriage, reaching orgasm was difficult: "I've had some baby ones, but that's about it." What many couples don't realize is that having an orgasm is a learned skill for most women. It doesn't just happen magically—it requires self-knowledge, communication, and practice. For women struggling to achieve orgasm, several approaches can help. First, have the right goal—if the sole focus is having an orgasm, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Sex is about expressing oneness and intimacy with your mate. Second, become more aware of your personal sexual response by exploring your body and discovering what feels pleasurable. Third, practice Kegel exercises to strengthen your pubococcygeus muscles, which can enhance sexual pleasure. Finally, accept responsibility for your own pleasure by communicating with your husband about what feels good. For men, the challenge is often the opposite—controlling ejaculation to prolong pleasure. This requires learning to recognize the "point of no return" and using techniques like the stop-start method, the squeeze technique, or the scrotal pull to delay climax. Men should also remember that the penis is the last thing they should use to make love with. Using lips, tongue, fingers, and other parts of the body to please a wife before penetration creates a much more satisfying experience for both partners. The emotional landscape of sex extends far beyond physical techniques. Understanding and accepting the differences between men and women creates the foundation for truly fulfilling intimacy. When couples approach sex with patience, communication, and a genuine desire to please each other, they discover a deeper connection that enriches every aspect of their relationship. The greatest pleasure often comes not from receiving but from giving—watching your spouse experience ecstasy and knowing you helped create that joy.

Chapter 5: Rhythms and Seasons: Navigating Life's Changes Together

"What's the first thing to go when you're busy, tired, and stressed?" asks a women's magazine. "If you said sex, you're not alone. An estimated 24 million American women say they don't have time, are too exhausted, or just aren't in the mood for sex." This reflects a profound truth: the greatest enemy of sex for women is weariness. I've spoken and written for years about how the overcommitted pace of American families is killing us socially, relationally, and psychologically. When we live life at the pace of a NASCAR race, sex is one of the first things to go. Yet ironically, a Redbook magazine poll found that 85 percent of men and 59 percent of women would choose sex if given an hour of free time—wide majorities in both cases. To overcome weariness and maintain sexual connection during busy seasons, couples must make deliberate choices. First, change your schedule. If you're gone more than two evenings a week, something needs to give. Children don't benefit from being constantly shuttled between activities at the expense of family time. Second, get away occasionally. One woman wrote, "I wish my husband and I had invested more time and money in our love relationship. The divorce was much more expensive—and much more traumatic for the children than occasional weekends away would have been!" Third, take care of conflicts promptly rather than letting them simmer. Finally, be willing to make sacrifices to preserve time for marital intimacy. As couples age, they face different seasons of sexual expression. For men entering their fifties and beyond, erections need more direct stimulation, recovery time increases, and orgasm without ejaculation becomes more common. While these changes may initially feel concerning, they often result in men becoming better lovers—able to last longer and focus more on their wife's pleasure. Women face menopause, which marks a turning point in sexuality. Though some women use this transition as an excuse to avoid intimacy, many find themselves more sexually invigorated after menopause. Without the worry of pregnancy, sex becomes purely about intimacy and pleasure. Physically, women need to take extra care as vaginal walls become thinner and dryer, requiring lubrication and gentler lovemaking. Through all these changes, couples who maintain open communication and adaptability discover that sex can actually improve with age. One of the most beautiful sights is an older couple walking arm in arm, supporting each other after decades of life together. They may not be "acting like gymnasts in the bedroom," but the emotional intimacy they share reflects a profound connection built through thousands of loving encounters over a lifetime. This is the miracle of "sex in the winter"—a beautiful picture of lifelong love that becomes even more meaningful when preceded by intimacy through every season of life.

Chapter 6: Physical Challenges: Overcoming Natural Obstacles

Take a look at my picture on the back cover of this book. What you didn't see was the 90 percent of me that's attached to my neck. I used to weigh less than I do now. That's a gentle way of saying you'd have to search a bit to find my abdomen—I certainly don't sport the "six pack" look found on men's health magazines. I was lucky, however, to marry a "looker." My wife's a knockout, and her dress size is nearly identical to what it was when we got married. Whenever men meet us for the first time, they spend the first five seconds giving my wife the big fish-eye look over, then they glance at me, utterly perplexed, as if I should have married a pit bull or something. The reality is that very few of us could qualify for the cover of Playboy or Playgirl. According to a Psychology Today survey, more than half of all American women dislike their overall appearance. This negative body image can significantly impact sexual intimacy. Many women refuse to let their husbands see them naked or are so self-conscious during lovemaking that they cannot enjoy the experience. Improving your body image is essential for sexual fulfillment. First, focus on your strengths. Even professional models have features that photographers emphasize while minimizing others. Learn to present yourself in ways that highlight your best qualities. Second, practice the "equal time rule" by giving yourself one compliment for every criticism. Remember that you were designed and crafted by God himself, who looked at his creation and said, "This is good." Third, avoid situations you know will trigger negative thoughts about your body. Fourth, learn to enjoy sensual moments beyond sex—the feel of ice-cold tea on a hot day or a luxurious bath on a winter night. Perhaps the most counterintuitive advice is to have sex more frequently. A ten-year study of more than 3,500 men and women found that those who looked youngest reported far more active sex lives than older-looking participants. When you engage in regular sexual relations, your body is affirmed as your spouse loves, adores, and caresses it. When you feel sexy, you look sexier. The most powerful way to "lose ten pounds immediately" the next time you jump into bed? Smile. Look seductive. Maybe even growl. When you're comfortable with your own body, your spouse will feel more comfortable with it too. Your facial expressions and attitude have a far bigger effect on your appearance than you could ever know. Our bodies are wonderful gifts to be shared generously with our spouses. Rather than focusing on perceived flaws, we should celebrate the ability to give and receive pleasure through the bodies we have. By affirming each other and creating an atmosphere of acceptance and desire, couples can overcome the natural obstacles of aging, weight changes, and physical imperfections to experience profound sexual connection that grows more meaningful with each passing year.

Chapter 7: Designing Your Sexual Future: Creativity and Commitment

One night I treated Sande to the dinner of a lifetime at the Oak Room at the Drake Hotel in Chicago. She loved it, particularly noting there was "no Jell-O in sight" unlike most cafeterias and buffets. Of course, if you're into Jell-O, I could suggest other places—Sande and I have been there too. There's a place in our life for buffets with Jell-O, but some nights, we really enjoy going upscale. This culinary variety mirrors the rich possibilities in marital sexuality. I want to close by encouraging you to fully experience all the joys, delights, and pleasures your Creator has designed for you to know in sexual intimacy. My hope is that you will take your sex life to new heights, that you would literally pray that God would help both of you experience sexual intimacy like never before. Why do I want this for you? Because if you pray about growing sexual intimacy and then experience it, your marriage will become stronger than it has ever been. You'll be better parents, more faithful believers, more productive community members—yes, even better people. Good, healthy sex is a marvelous invention that does wonderful things for us physically, relationally, psychologically, and even spiritually. One of the wonderful aspects of married sexual intimacy is that it represents a lifelong journey. Where you are now doesn't need to limit where you will be five years from now. Your relationship will evolve, as I have watched thousands of couples evolve. Sometimes this evolution is shocking to one or both spouses. I can think of one very conservative woman who wouldn't think of parking in any space where there weren't two clearly delineated lines. But when her husband gets her in bed, she experiences a freedom, joy, and passion that would rouse half the neighborhood if it weren't for the insulation on the outside walls. Sometimes a married sexual feast will be a real gourmet experience. At other times it will resemble fast food. The best thing is, it's all good! God is great—and in sex, he has given us a very wondrous gift. I pray you will enjoy it more and more, designing a sexual future together that brings you closer with each passing year.

Summary

Sexual intimacy serves as an exquisite barometer for the overall health of a marriage. Throughout this journey into understanding marital sexuality, we've discovered that great sex isn't simply about technique or frequency—it's about learning to truly know your spouse, adapting to their changing needs, and creating a safe haven of acceptance and desire. The symphony of sexual pleasure requires both partners to play their instruments with skill, sensitivity, and awareness of the changing music. The stories of couples like Jim and Karen or Mark and Brenda reveal that sexual fulfillment doesn't happen automatically—it requires intentional effort to understand each other's rulebooks, overcome personal barriers, and navigate life's changing seasons together. The obstacles may seem daunting at times: body image concerns, fatigue, aging, past trauma, or simply the busyness of modern life. Yet couples who commit to prioritizing their intimate connection discover that these challenges can actually deepen their relationship rather than diminish it. By approaching sexuality with creativity, compassion, and commitment, partners can design a sexual future that grows increasingly satisfying through every stage of life. This journey of mutual discovery becomes not just about physical pleasure but about creating a profound bond that strengthens every aspect of marriage. When approached with love and intention, sexual intimacy becomes what it was always meant to be—a transcendent experience that allows two people to connect on the deepest levels of their being, transforming their relationship into something beautiful, enduring, and truly extraordinary.

About Author

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Kevin Leman

Dr. Kevin Leman, an internationally known psychologist, radio and television personality, and speaker, has taught and entertained audiences worldwide with his wit and commonsense psychology. The best-selling and award-winning author has made house calls for hundreds of radio and television programs, including The View with Barbara Walters, The Today Show, Oprah, CBS's The Early Show, Live with Regis Philbin, CNN's American Morning, and LIFE Today with James Robison, and he has served as a contributing family psychologist to Good Morning America. He is the founder and president of Couples of Promise, an organization designed and committed to helping couples remain happily married. Dr. Leman is also a charter faculty member of iQuestions.com. He has written over 30 best-selling books about marriage and family issues, including The Birth Order Book and Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. Dr. Leman and his wife, Sande, live in Tucson. They have five children.Connect with Dr. Leman on: BirthOrderGuy.comFacebookTwitter

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