Single, Dating, Engaged, Married

Single, Dating, Engaged, Married Plot Summary

Introduction

I remember sitting across from my friend at a coffee shop as tears welled in her eyes. "I just don't understand how relationships work anymore," she confessed. "Everyone seems to have different rules. We text constantly but rarely talk face-to-face. I'm expected to be casual about everything, but I want something meaningful." Her pain was palpable, and I knew she wasn't alone. In our hyper-connected yet emotionally distant digital age, many of us feel lost at sea when it comes to navigating relationships. The landscape of love has changed dramatically in recent decades. With dating apps, social media, and changing cultural norms, the journey from singleness to marriage looks vastly different than it once did. Yet beneath these shifting sands, the fundamental human desire for connection remains unchanged. We still long for meaningful relationships that nurture our souls. This tension between timeless desires and modern methods creates unique challenges for today's relationships. By understanding both God's design for relationships and the realities of our current context, we can learn to navigate this journey with wisdom, purpose, and joy - finding fulfilling connections that honor both our hearts and our Creator.

Chapter 1: God's Design for Relationships: A Foundation of Love

Sarah was exhausted from another failed relationship. After six months of what seemed like promising connection, it had ended in the same painful way as before. "I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong," she told me. "I give everything to these relationships, but I always end up feeling empty." As we talked further, a pattern emerged. Sarah had been approaching relationships as a consumer, looking for someone to complete her, to fill the emptiness she felt inside. She was bringing God-sized needs to human-sized relationships. This pattern is remarkably common. Many of us enter relationships like someone diving into the ocean without an oxygen tank, desperately hoping another person can somehow become our air supply. I witnessed this firsthand during a scuba diving trip with friends. When one diver's oxygen equipment malfunctioned, panic set in immediately. Instead of following emergency protocols, he grabbed his partner's regulator, trying to take her air. In his desperation for survival, he nearly drowned them both. What a perfect metaphor for relationships without proper foundation! When we enter relationships from a place of desperate need rather than wholeness, we often find ourselves attempting to extract life from another person. We become "suckers" rather than givers of life. This desperate grasping creates toxic dynamics where we use others to validate our existence rather than appreciating them for who they are. The solution begins with understanding that relationships require a source of life outside themselves. In 1 John 4, we read a profound truth: "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God." Notice the direction here - love flows down to us from God, then outward to others. When we know we are "beloved," loving others becomes natural, even effortless. The capacity to love others well flows from being properly connected to the ultimate source of love. When we experience God's unwavering love for us - demonstrated through his sending, sacrificing, and staying - we're filled with an inexhaustible resource. This transforms us from desperate consumers into generous givers in our relationships. Instead of asking "What can this person do for me?" we're freed to ask "How can I love this person well?" This foundation doesn't just make relationships possible; it makes them beautiful.

Chapter 2: Singleness: Embracing Purpose and Devotion

I was supposed to be studying Greek. The library was filled with anxious seminary students furiously cramming for upcoming final exams. But as I sat at my desk surrounded by books in a foreign language, I was researching wedding rings. Analyzing the cut, clarity, and carat of various diamonds, trying to figure out what I could afford. I was also sneaking into the break room to periodically work the phones to get the best price from dealers across the country. "Two days." What? The man on the other line repeated the sentence. "Two days. I could get you the ring you want in two days." I felt numb all over my body. I had assumed I would have to wait six months for the ring, then another six months for the engagement. I was trying to figure out how I was going to survive another full year of waiting to be married. Now I realized I could get engaged in days, not months. Hours even! We could be married in six months. Maybe even four! Like many single people, I viewed my singleness as an inconvenience, a waiting room before real life began. But this perspective misses something profound. The apostle Paul actually calls singleness a gift in 1 Corinthians 7: "I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another." Singleness isn't a problem to be solved—it's a season with unique purpose. What is that purpose? Paul explains: singleness exists "to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord." Singleness provides freedom from the divided interests that naturally come with marriage. The unmarried person is free to focus entirely on spiritual matters without the legitimate concerns of caring for a spouse. This isn't to say married people can't serve God effectively—they absolutely can—but their attention is necessarily divided in ways a single person's isn't. Consider this truth: you have more freedom and discretionary time now than you likely will at any other point in your life. When I was young and single, I was a youth pastor. One Sunday morning, one of my junior high boys walked by looking troubled. After asking a few questions, I learned he was processing his parents' divorce. As we talked, he suddenly burst into tears and fell into my arms. I realized in that moment that where else would this young man go? His parents were consumed with their own pain. His peers lacked the emotional maturity to help. In my singleness, I had the time, energy, and emotional space to be present for him in a way I might not have otherwise. What singleness provides isn't emptiness but opportunity. It's a gift of freedom with purpose. The question is: how will you use it? Will you spend these years pursuing distractions or securing an undistracted devotion to what matters most? Whether your season of singleness is long or short, this time is a gift with profound purpose. The most content single people I've known are those who understand this season is for devotion to something greater than themselves.

Chapter 3: Dating with Intention: Evaluating Character and Chemistry

"Who should I date?" Maria asked, frustrated after another disappointing relationship. "I keep meeting people who seem great at first, but then it falls apart a few months in." Her experience resonated with me. Dating can feel like playing hopscotch in a minefield - we're willing to risk the potential pain because we so deeply long for connection. The problem often lies in our approach. Many adopt a consumer mentality in dating, creating mental checklists of desired attributes: "I want someone tall, funny, ambitious, with similar interests..." But this thinking is fundamentally flawed. We're not assembling robots from human parts but seeking companions for life's journey. What we need isn't a perfect specimen but someone with whom we can build a meaningful life. Picture your life as a race you're running toward meaningful goals. As you charge forward, some people will cross your path running in entirely different directions. They may be attractive, but they're pursuing different values. Others, however, are running alongside you, chasing similar dreams with similar convictions. Dating is about finding someone running your race at your pace - someone with both character and chemistry. Character speaks to someone's values, integrity, and spiritual foundation. Are they pursuing God with authenticity? Do they demonstrate consistency between what they say and how they live? Chemistry involves that intangible connection - enjoying each other's company, sharing laughter, maintaining conversation that flows naturally. Both elements are essential. Maria's breakthrough came when she stopped looking for perfection and started evaluating direction. She met Sam at a volunteer event for her church's community outreach. They started by serving alongside each other before dating. What impressed her wasn't just his kindness to her but how he treated everyone - volunteers, homeless individuals they served, and staff members. His character revealed itself not in grand gestures but in consistent patterns. "I realized I'd been focusing too much on immediate chemistry and not enough on character," she explained later. "With Sam, I found both. We enjoy each other's company immensely, but I also trust who he is when no one's watching." Their relationship flourished because it was built on mutual values and genuine connection. The best relationships don't begin with someone checking all our boxes. They start with recognizing someone heading in the same direction, with whom we connect naturally, and whose character reflects values we admire. Dating then becomes not about finding the perfect person but about discovering if you and this particular person can journey through life together effectively. It's about evaluation with intention, not consumption with expectation.

Chapter 4: Engagement: The Bridge to Lifelong Union

"I think she's the one," James confided, his voice a mixture of excitement and terror. "But how can I be sure?" This question haunts many on the precipice of engagement. How do we know when we know? What gives us confidence to cross that threshold from dating to lifetime commitment? James and Michelle had been dating for eighteen months. Their relationship had weathered several significant challenges - a job loss, family conflicts, even a temporary long-distance phase. Through each trial, they'd grown closer rather than apart. Now, as James contemplated proposing, he wondered what final confirmation he needed. Engagement is neither dating nor marriage but a unique bridge between them. It's a focused season allowing a couple to prepare for bringing their two lives together as one. This transition isn't just about planning a wedding but about building a foundation for lifelong partnership. During this brief period, couples actively work on merging their families, finances, and futures - the three key areas that make or break marriages. For James and Michelle, their engagement revealed both strengths and challenges. When they met with their families to announce their plans, James was surprised by his mother's hesitation. "She's worried we're too different," he explained. Rather than becoming defensive, they invited his parents to dinner weekly, allowing them to witness their compatibility firsthand. By the wedding, his mother had become Michelle's champion. Their financial discussions proved more challenging. James discovered Michelle had significant student debt, while she learned he had never created a budget. Instead of allowing these revelations to derail them, they attended financial counseling together, creating a plan that honored both his spontaneity and her need for security. Each conversation built trust and demonstrated their commitment to putting "we" before "me." "The engagement showed us how we handle pressure together," Michelle reflected later. "We didn't just survive it; we became stronger through it." Their experience illustrates what makes engagement so valuable - it provides a concentrated period for evaluation and preparation while the commitment to marriage already exists in intention. Four key indicators can provide confidence when considering engagement: mutual commitment (a resolve to work through problems rather than abandon ship), growing communication skills (the ability to navigate conflict constructively), successful moments of confession (sharing difficult truths and receiving grace), and community support (wise voices affirming your relationship). When these elements align, couples can step into marriage with confidence, knowing they've built a solid foundation for the journey ahead.

Chapter 5: Marriage as Mission: Building a Kingdom Partnership

Elena and Marcus sat across from me, their faces reflecting both excitement and uncertainty. Newly married, they were discovering the complexities of merging two lives. "We love each other," Elena explained, "but sometimes it feels like we're just roommates with benefits. Is this all there is to marriage?" Their question reveals a common misconception - that marriage exists primarily for personal fulfillment and happiness. While these are wonderful byproducts of a healthy marriage, they miss the deeper purpose. Marriage was designed to be both a picture and a pursuit - a living illustration of Christ's love for the church and a partnership pursuing Christ's mission in the world. Consider Priscilla and Aquila, a remarkable couple we meet in Acts 18. When persecution forced them to leave Rome, they established a tent-making business in Corinth. Upon meeting Paul, they didn't just offer business partnership - they invited him to live with them for eighteen months, making their home a base for gospel ministry. Later, they moved to Ephesus where they instructed Apollos, an eloquent but theologically incomplete preacher, helping him become more effective in ministry. What made their marriage extraordinary wasn't romantic gestures but shared mission. They were hospitable (leveraging their home and business for ministry), engaged (recognizing opportunities to serve rather than waiting for "professionals"), and faithful (continuing to minister together throughout their lives). Their partnership advanced the gospel in ways neither could have accomplished alone. This kind of purpose-driven marriage creates the deepest bonds. C.S. Lewis observed about friendship: "The very condition of having Friends is that we should want something else besides Friends... Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers." The same applies to marriage. The strongest unions aren't formed by couples staring endlessly into each other's eyes but by those looking outward together toward a shared vision. For Elena and Marcus, transformation began when they volunteered together at a local shelter. As they served side-by-side, something shifted. "We stopped focusing so much on what we weren't getting from the relationship and started asking what we could give through it," Marcus shared months later. Their marriage had become not just about their happiness but about their impact together - and ironically, that shift brought the fulfillment they'd been seeking. Marriage reaches its fullest potential when viewed as a mission. It's not just about finding someone to complete us but about joining hands with someone to complete the work we're called to do in the world. This perspective doesn't diminish romance - it elevates it, giving love purpose beyond momentary pleasure and creating bonds that can withstand life's inevitable challenges.

Chapter 6: Sexual Integrity: Freedom Within Boundaries

Last summer I worked for my dad in South Texas. The assignment was to burn a massive brush pile, higher than the house. For a teenage boy, this was a dream job - getting paid to set things on fire! My excitement, however, was matched only by my inexperience. I poured several gallons of gasoline on the dry wood, then tossed a road flare toward the pile. The resulting explosion knocked me off my feet. When I recovered, I found myself surrounded by fire that had spread beyond the intended area and was racing toward the house. We eventually contained it, but not without scorched earth, burned fingers, and one very stressed father. This experience taught me something profound: fire is a gift with immense power for good when contained within proper boundaries. Outside those boundaries, it becomes destructive, threatening everything you value. The same principle applies perfectly to human sexuality. In our hyper-sexualized culture, we're bombarded with messages suggesting sex is casual, essential, and primarily physical. Yet beneath these cultural narratives lies a deeper truth: sexuality was designed for more than physical pleasure. It was created as a powerful bonding agent - literally changing our brain chemistry and emotional attachments. The apostle Paul understood this when he wrote in 1 Corinthians 6:16, "Do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her?" Sexual union creates profound connections, whether we acknowledge them or not. Modern research confirms this biblical wisdom. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist studying human sexuality, explains that sex releases oxytocin - the same hormone released when a mother breastfeeds her baby. It's designed to bond us emotionally to another person. "This is why," she notes, "there is no such thing as 'casual sex.'" The resulting bonds make breakups with sexual partners exponentially more painful, creating emotional wounds that can take years to heal. Even more concerning is pornography's impact on relationships. Norman Doidge, a psychiatrist and neuroscientist, documents how pornography use literally rewires neural pathways, making users increasingly desensitized to normal stimuli. Many young men now struggle with erectile dysfunction because their brains have been conditioned to respond only to the extreme images found online rather than to real human connection. God's boundaries around sexuality aren't arbitrary restrictions designed to diminish pleasure. They're protective guidelines from a Creator who understands how we're wired. Sex within marriage creates bonds that strengthen commitment rather than creating confusion and pain. It allows vulnerability without fear of abandonment. It enables sexual expression without performance anxiety. What's surprising is how many young people intuitively recognize this truth. When researcher Donna Freitas surveyed college students about hookup culture, she found 41% reported feeling "profoundly unhappy, disrespected, sad or abused" after casual sexual encounters. The highest praise others could offer was that it felt "fine." When asked what they truly desired, most students admitted they wanted meaningful relationships - emotional connections alongside physical ones. God's design for sexuality isn't about restriction but integration - honoring our physical desires while protecting our emotional and spiritual wellbeing. The boundaries exist not to diminish pleasure but to enhance it within the safety of covenant relationship. Real freedom isn't found in unbounded sexual expression but in experiencing sexuality as it was designed to function - as a powerful force for connection within committed love.

Chapter 7: Community's Role: Finding Wisdom in Fellowship

When I entered college, I discovered a unique Texas A&M tradition called "Midnight Yell." The night before football games, thousands of students gather at the stadium to practice coordinated cheers. What caught me off guard was learning that at a certain moment, all the lights would be turned off and everyone would kiss whoever they'd brought along. If you came alone, you could hold up a lighter, and someone would find you. As an introvert, this terrified me. The simple act of turning off the lights created such varied emotional responses throughout the stadium. For some, this moment promised excitement and romance. For others, it brought back painful memories of relationships lost. For many like me, it sparked anxiety about relationships, rules, and expectations. This single tradition perfectly encapsulates how the topic of relationships can ignite intense and diverse emotional reactions. The wisdom we need to navigate these waters rarely comes in isolation. Throughout scripture, we see how community plays a vital role in relationship formation. In Genesis 24, when it came time to find a wife for Isaac, Abraham sent his servant on this crucial mission. The servant didn't rely solely on his judgment but sought divine guidance through prayer and wisdom from Rebekah's family. Their blessing and approval became part of the beautiful union that followed. Today's dating landscape often eliminates this communal aspect. Between 2005 and 2012, one-third of couples who married in America met online. Meeting through friends, family, and faith communities has dramatically declined. While online connections aren't inherently problematic, they often bypass the wisdom that community can provide. Consider Amanda's approach. Before agreeing to a first date with someone she met at church, she invited him to a youth event where she worked. "Before I ever got in a car with him," she explained later, "I wanted my community to have an opportunity to evaluate him." What seemed overly cautious to him proved incredibly wise. Her community could observe his character in ways she might miss while caught up in initial attraction. Proverbs 11:14 reminds us, "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety." Romantic feelings are intoxicating and often distorting. In the throes of infatuation, we can lose objectivity and ignore warning signs that others might easily spot. The right voices speaking into the process can keep us from investing too much in the wrong person or help us recognize the right one. Michael and Jessica credit their healthy marriage to the mentors who walked alongside them during dating. "They asked questions we never thought to ask each other," Jessica shared. "About money management, conflict resolution, family dynamics. Sometimes it was uncomfortable, but it prevented major surprises after marriage." Their mentors weren't dictating who they should marry but helping them evaluate their relationship with wisdom they lacked. Community provides more than just evaluation; it offers support through every relationship stage. Singles need friends who affirm their worth beyond relationship status. Dating couples benefit from mentors who model healthy relationships. Engaged pairs need practical guidance as they merge lives. Married couples thrive with supportive friends who strengthen their commitment. The journey of love was never meant to be traveled alone. By inviting trusted voices into our relationship decisions, we gain perspective beyond our limited vision and wisdom beyond our experience. In a culture that increasingly isolates relationship formation, reconnecting with community might be the very wisdom we need to navigate love's complex journey.

Summary

Throughout this exploration of love's journey, one truth emerges with striking clarity: authentic, flourishing relationships don't happen by accident but through intentional wisdom. Each stage of the relationship journey offers unique opportunities and challenges, requiring different skills and awareness. Singleness provides space for devotion and purpose beyond romantic pursuits. Dating serves as evaluation, not consumption, focusing on character and chemistry rather than checklist compatibility. Engagement functions as a bridge, merging families, finances, and futures before the covenant of marriage. And marriage itself thrives when viewed as both picture and mission - reflecting Christ's love while pursuing his purposes in the world. What transforms this journey from a series of confusing transitions into a meaningful path is foundation. When we build relationships on the bedrock of God's design rather than shifting cultural sands, we discover the freedom that comes from living according to created intent. This doesn't mean relationships become effortless - they remain complex, challenging, and sometimes painful. But it does mean they become purposeful, with each stage contributing to our growth and each challenge serving a greater end than momentary happiness. Whether currently single, dating, engaged, or married, the invitation remains the same: align your relationship journey with divine design, surround yourself with wise community, and remember that love's ultimate purpose reaches far beyond personal fulfillment to kingdom impact. In doing so, you'll discover that love's journey, while sometimes difficult, leads to places of profound joy and meaning impossible to reach any other way.

About Author

Loading...

Ben Stuart

Ben Stuart is the pastor of Passion City Church, Washington D.C. Prior to joining Passion City Church, Ben served for eleven years as the executive director of Breakaway Ministries, a weekly Bible study attended by thousands of college students on the campus of Texas A&M. Ben earned his master’s degree in historical theology from Dallas Theological Seminary. Ben and his wife, Donna, live to inspire and equip people to walk with God for a lifetime.

Read more