Stop Checking Your Likes

Stop Checking Your Likes Plot Summary

Introduction

In a world obsessed with external validation, Susie Moore stands as a refreshing voice of authenticity and self-acceptance. Growing up in challenging circumstances—moving between women's shelters, dealing with an alcoholic father, and supporting a depressed mother—Moore learned early on that seeking approval from others is a losing game. Yet despite these obstacles, she built a successful career in Silicon Valley, became a sought-after life coach, and discovered the transformative power of self-approval. Her journey from constant people-pleasing to living authentically offers a roadmap for anyone trapped in the cycle of seeking external validation. Moore's story isn't just about personal triumph; it's about the universal human struggle to feel worthy in a world that constantly tells us we're not enough. Through her candid storytelling and practical wisdom, she reveals how our addiction to "likes"—both literal and metaphorical—keeps us small and prevents us from living our most authentic lives. With humor, vulnerability, and hard-won insights, Moore invites readers to break free from the approval trap and reclaim their personal power. Her message is clear: you already have permission to be, do, and have whatever you want—you just need to recognize it.

Chapter 1: Breaking Free from Your Parents' Influence

Our parents shape us in ways both obvious and subtle. As Moore candidly shares, her childhood was far from conventional. Her father was an addict involved with a married Polish woman named Rita, who would procure girlfriends for him when she was with her husband. Moore's mother was one such girlfriend, who refused Rita's insistence to abort both her pregnancies—resulting in Moore and her sister. Even more strangely, Moore's sister was named after her father's mistress, a fact that still draws surprised reactions whenever Moore shares it. Despite the chaos, Moore's parents imparted valuable lessons. Her mother, born in war-torn Poland and later fleeing to England, taught her independence, resilience, and inner strength. She showed Moore how to move between countries with ease, to never be jealous of others, to love reading, and to appreciate simple pleasures. Her father, despite his addiction and sometimes violent behavior, instilled in her a deep love of literature, a sense of humor, and the importance of helping friends in need. This complex upbringing gave Moore a unique perspective on life and relationships. However, Moore emphasizes that we don't have to be defined by our parents' expectations or limitations. "What might feel true in an elementary-school classroom is absolutely, completely not true in the real world," she writes. The people we admire aren't those who perfectly followed the rules or sought constant approval—they're those who recognized their own uniqueness and nurtured it. They avoided listening to the collective "they" who dictate how life should be lived. For Moore, breaking free from seeking approval became a necessity early on. Living in homeless shelters with a nomadic mother and an addicted father made fitting in with "normal" families impossible. She learned to control what she could and tune into herself. This instinct led her to discover self-help books at fifteen, beginning with "The Magic of Thinking Big" by David Schwartz, which opened her eyes to the power of choice. She realized that to create a different kind of life, she needed to do things differently. Moore encourages readers to question the beliefs they've inherited from their parents. She suggests considering which beliefs might no longer be useful and replacing them with what feels right. She emphasizes the importance of lovingly accepting that our parents had their lives and made their choices, but now it's our time. Forgiveness is key—our parents are human, just like us. The path forward lies in getting excited about the unlimited possibilities available to us right now.

Chapter 2: Embracing Your Unique Strengths

Moore's friends often joke that she's the least-qualified person they know. Without a college degree or family connections in the United States, she still managed to achieve remarkable success in her career. Her secret? Understanding that everything needed for success already exists within. When she moved to New York City at twenty-five with her husband Heath, the job market was tough. For three months, she networked relentlessly without receiving a single offer. Finally, her persistence paid off with a position at a tech start-up—a job she wasn't technically qualified for but knew she could learn. This pattern continued throughout her career. In 2012, a cofounder at her company unexpectedly asked if she'd work in Washington DC to generate political advertising money during the Romney-Obama presidential race. Despite having no understanding of the US political system as a native Brit, Moore accepted the challenge. She immersed herself in political news, worked the difficult-to-penetrate market relentlessly, and by November had generated almost $3 million in advertising—far exceeding her boss's expectation of $500,000. The lesson Moore learned was powerful: you can do hard things when rejection doesn't faze you and when you don't wait for permission to succeed. She discovered that mastering the basics is often enough, and that an unshakable optimism combined with resilience in the face of rejection can lead to extraordinary results. Success and failure, she notes, are on the same road—success is just further down that path, and the road has no finish line. Moore challenges the common belief that others know what they're doing while we don't. Even people who seem perfectly put-together, like her colleague Rachel with her master's degree and polished appearance, experience the same doubts and insecurities. We overestimate others' competence because we can't see their inner struggles, and we often place too much value on formal education rather than resourcefulness and courage. This phenomenon, known as impostor syndrome, affects nearly everyone who stretches beyond their comfort zone. To combat this, Moore encourages embracing uncertainty. She points out that even people with unwavering conviction don't know for sure what the outcome of their actions will be—they're simply more courageous amid uncertainty. The world isn't divided into people who know what they're doing and those who don't; there are just people who act despite their fears and those who remain paralyzed by them. By accepting this universal not-knowingness, we can relax and enjoy the journey more. Moore reminds us that our heart is a "cosmic computer" with all the guidance we need already within. When we're busy checking our metaphorical likes, we become dependent on external validation, missing the wisdom available inside us. The most reliable intelligence is our own inner guide, which knows the next right move for us. Trusting this inner wisdom is the key to living a self-approved, self-directed life.

Chapter 3: Letting Go of Others' Opinions

When Moore was ten, she lived in what she describes as her favorite women's shelter with her mom and sister. One night, her mom's friend Mo arrived with a bloodstained towel across her shoulders. Mo had gone back to her abusive ex-husband—the same man who had previously mutilated her, resulting in the loss of her arm. Rather than feeling sad for Mo, young Moore felt fury. Why would Mo return to someone who had hurt her so badly? Her mother's response was simple: "It's her life. Her choice. There is no law against self-destruction." This early experience taught Moore a powerful lesson about the futility of living for others' approval. She learned that while we can't control what happens to us, we can control our response. Taking responsibility for ourselves and our reactions is the ultimate form of freedom. As Moore puts it, "Great news: it's your fault" isn't disempowering—it's the most powerful statement you can make when something bad happens within your control. Moore illustrates this principle through her own experience of getting divorced at a young age. After marrying at nineteen, she discovered her husband was a gambler with significant debt. Rather than playing the victim, she recognized her part in the situation—she had chosen to marry someone after knowing him for just a few months. Taking responsibility led to enlightenment and the freedom not to repeat history. "Accepting responsibility leads to enlightenment and the freedom not to repeat history," she writes. This mindset shift is liberating because it places the power back in our hands. When we blame others for our circumstances, we give away our agency. Moore identifies common victim statements like "She stole from me," "I can't believe I got fired," or "Life is just so stressful," and reframes them to show how we can take responsibility and regain control. The price of not taking responsibility is steep—we lose the ability to change our situation. Moore emphasizes that taking responsibility doesn't prevent bad things from happening, but it does improve our ability to bounce back. She encourages readers to see every perceived problem as being within their control and to list at least three alternatives to any existing problem. For example, if you don't make enough money, you could ask for a raise, change jobs, or reduce expenses. This approach transforms feelings of powerlessness into a sense of possibility and choice. The chapter concludes with a powerful insight: what shows up in our lives matches how we feel about ourselves. "We only allow into our lives the level of abuse we give ourselves," Moore writes. By recognizing this pattern, we can begin to set boundaries and make choices that reflect our true worth. Living a self-approved life means owning our choices and responses—even the messy parts we've been avoiding.

Chapter 4: Finding Humor in Life's Challenges

One day after school when Moore was a teenager, her father wouldn't let her into his house despite knowing she always came over after classes. Peering through the window, she saw a woman inside who wasn't her father. When he finally opened the door in a bathrobe she'd never seen before, a blonde woman in a long T-shirt appeared behind him saying, "Hi, I'm Tracy!" Then a husky voice whispered, "And I'm Karen." Moore had discovered her father with two prostitutes. Rather than being traumatized, she found the situation weird but also somewhat funny—it was just her "crazy-ass dad" being himself. This ability to find humor in difficult situations has served Moore well throughout her life. She quotes Joan Rivers: "Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next." Moore reminds us that death has a 100 percent success rate—it's coming for all of us—so maintaining perspective is essential. She even keeps a picture of a church cemetery as her phone screensaver to remind herself that everything is temporary, which helps when she wants to "freak out because I have to wait a full seven minutes for a subway train." Moore suggests that humor is the key to improving many perceived concerns in our lives. It's not about denying real pain but about putting people, events, and the future into perspective. Our "stuff" consists of the thoughts we think, which over time become our beliefs. The good news is that thoughts can be changed; they lose their power when questioned. Byron Katie's teachings called "The Work" have inspired Moore to question what we believe to be true. By asking "Is that a fact?" about troubling thoughts, we can often dissolve perceived tragedies. For example, when Moore's friend Andi complained about her apartment being too small compared to her sister's house, Moore asked, "Is that a fact that your apartment's too small for you?" This questioning revealed that Andi's dissatisfaction wasn't really about square footage but about feeling like a failure compared to her sister. By questioning the "fact," Andi realized the absurdity of her thinking and found relief through laughter. Moore encourages readers to apply this questioning to any troubling thought. Is it truly a fact that you don't have enough money, that your body is too big, or that there are no potential partners out there? Or are these just theories your mind has created? Seeing events and people through a lighter lens helps us laugh instead of despair. We can wave away the nonsense that upsets us instead of choosing to be offended and serious all the time. Stress cuts us off from joy, creativity, and sound decision-making, while levity brings clarity. When we're bogged down and heavy, we're not in the best state to make important life decisions. The shortcut to a wiser frame of mind can almost always be found in humor. As Bailey Jean Matheson, who wrote her own obituary before dying of cancer at thirty-five, advised: "Don't take the small stuff so seriously." And most of it is small stuff, when we think about it.

Chapter 5: Trusting Your Intuition

Moore shares a pivotal moment when she received an email from a former colleague who was surprised by her writing abilities: "I had no idea you could write! Wow, Susie. You're so good at advertising sales, who knew you could do this whole other thing, too?" Moore's response is telling: "I knew. And if I never acted on what called me forward, no one else would ever know, either." This anecdote perfectly illustrates the power of intuition—that inner knowing that guides us toward our authentic path. Moore explains that our intuition is "the inner pressing of the wiser you," the oldest and wisest part of ourselves giving us direction. While we can listen to advice and talk things through with trusted people, ultimately only we can know what's best for us at any moment. Moore recounts how she and her husband Heath moved to New York City from Sydney, Australia, when he was offered a job transfer at age twenty-three. Despite concerns from others about the timing—they'd just bought an apartment in Sydney, Heath was only halfway through his college degree, and Moore had no job lined up—they both felt it was a "100 percent yes" the moment the offer came. Moving to New York turned out to be the best decision they ever made, opening up abundant opportunities neither could have predicted. This pattern of trusting her intuition has served Moore well throughout her life. She shares a chilling example of what can happen when we ignore our inner guidance: the story of Colleen Stan, who was kidnapped while hitchhiking in the late 1970s. When Stan stopped at a gas station with the couple who had picked her up, "A voice told me to run and jump out a window and never look back," she recalled. But she ignored the voice and was subsequently held captive and tortured for seven years. While this is an extreme example, it powerfully illustrates the importance of listening to our internal voice. Moore also discusses how she used her intuition to evaluate friendships. She had a close friend in Sydney named Maggie, but after separating from her first husband, Moore began feeling a weird sense of dread about seeing her. When she later learned that Maggie had been saying unkind things behind her back, it confirmed what her intuition had already sensed—that the friendship had changed. Moore decided to cut Maggie out of her life without confrontation, trusting her gut feeling that the relationship was no longer supportive. To help readers connect with their intuition, Moore shares an "Instant Intuition" technique: sit comfortably, take deep breaths, and visualize each option you're considering. Notice how your body responds to each scenario—the option that makes your body relax is likely the best decision for you. "Your body will support you in making the right choices," she writes. "Your body houses around 30 to 40 trillion of the most intelligent cells on earth! Respect them!" Moore concludes that when we use everything available to us—both our instincts and our intellect—we realize how powerful we are in creating our lives. Human beings have the gift of higher consciousness and the ability to make choices using both instinct and intellect. By honoring our intuition, we'll never have to blame anyone else again for the direction of our lives.

Chapter 6: Taking Responsibility for Your Choices

When Moore was a kid, she lived in Cornwall, a rural county in the United Kingdom that was considered one of the poorest regions in Europe. The government provided aid to ensure children could attend school rather than working to support their families in the struggling farming industry. One day, her geography teacher explained how international trade agreements had created "milk lakes and butter mountains"—surplus dairy products that couldn't be used. As a result, farmers were being paid not to produce. What struck Moore wasn't just the political problem but the human cost: farmers were killing themselves. Despite having their bills paid, something critical was missing from their lives—their purpose, their reason for getting up every morning. This early lesson taught Moore that work is not just about money; it's about contribution and meaning. This insight led Moore to one of her favorite coaching questions: "What's missing?" Too often, she explains, our brains skip over the idea that something is missing and instead conclude that something is wrong. This keeps us stuck in despair. When we shift our perspective from "What's wrong?" to "What's missing?" we become creative rather than panicked. We open ourselves up to possibilities. Moore illustrates this through various examples. For her client Elle, a lawyer with a seemingly perfect life who felt inexplicably dissatisfied, the missing piece was regular time with friends. For Moore's mother, who at fifty-five went back to school to earn a diploma in childhood education, it was working with children again after raising her own five daughters. For Moore herself, feeling unfulfilled in her corporate job, it was writing and helping others work through personal problems—which led her to start her side hustle as a life coach and writer. The "What's missing?" approach can be applied to any situation, from career dissatisfaction to relationship ruts to low energy. Moore emphasizes that the solution doesn't have to be dramatic—it can be as simple as one night out with friends each week or a different kind of appreciation. She shares the story of Ting, a six-year-old girl she once babysat who was constantly praised for being well-behaved and smart but confided, "No one ever says, Ting, you're pretty." Sometimes what's missing is simply acknowledgment of a different aspect of ourselves. To help readers identify what might be missing in their lives, Moore offers an exercise called "What's Missing for Me?" She encourages writing down five to ten things you've never said aloud that you wanted, felt sad about never receiving, or never allowed yourself to dream of. By reviewing this list, common themes often emerge—perhaps a desire for more time alone, more ambitious goals, more adventure, or better self-care. Moore emphasizes that how we spend our days reflects our truest priorities, with no exceptions. Being in harmony with our needs, rather than at war with them, is essential for happiness. She illustrates this through her experience of going on a rock-climbing retreat despite not being naturally athletic. By pushing herself to try something completely new and being willing to be "bad at something," she discovered a sense of pride and expanded her world. The chapter concludes with a reminder that curiosity fuels wisdom. As Einstein said, "I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious." By approaching life with curiosity about what's missing rather than fixating on problems, we open ourselves to growth and fulfillment. The authority in our life—our inner wisdom—knows how to fill the spaces once we give it a voice.

Chapter 7: Asking for What You Deserve

One night in her early twenties, Moore spotted a tall, handsome man at a concert in Sydney. After chatting and enjoying his company, she took the initiative when he didn't make a move: "How about you take my number?" He called the next day, and they've now been married for over a decade. This simple question changed the course of her life, illustrating the immense power of asking for what you want. Moore emphasizes that questions create opportunities and prevent us from making harmful assumptions. Too often, we assume others wouldn't be interested in us, that the nice table at a restaurant is reserved for someone else, or that someone is upset with us if they don't respond immediately. Don Ruiz's wisdom from "The Four Agreements" resonates here: "Don't make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want." This principle applies powerfully to professional settings, particularly salary negotiations. Moore shares how she witnessed a candidate negotiate not only for more money but also for additional benefits like flexible work hours and training budget. The woman's self-approving, confident style made her appear even more valuable to the hiring managers. Since then, Moore has negotiated her salary up front with every new job and each time she's had increased responsibility or success. As a result, she's earned as much as or more than many male counterparts—simply because she asked. Moore cites research from "Women Don't Ask" revealing that "a woman who routinely negotiates her salary increases will earn over one million dollars more by the time she retires than a woman who accepts what she's offered every time without asking for more." Beyond the financial impact, asking also opens up career-acceleration dialogue and showcases achievements to management. As Moore puts it, "When you're asking, you're visible." For those who feel guilty about receiving, Moore offers a perspective shift. She points out that giving and receiving are different aspects of the same energy flow in the universe. By accepting help graciously—whether it's someone putting your carry-on in the overhead bin or holding the elevator door—you're participating in the natural exchange that sustains human connection. Deepak Chopra explains this as the law of giving: "Giving engenders receiving, and receiving engenders giving... if you stop the flow of either, you interfere with nature's intelligence." Moore shares her personal mantra: "How can I let this be easier?" This simple question can transform any situation, from difficult conversations to flight delays to major projects. She provides examples of things she's asked for throughout her life, from requesting a specific table at a restaurant to seeking clarity on expectations from managers to asking for forgiveness when she's made mistakes. The chapter concludes with a challenge to ask for five things in the coming week. Moore reminds readers that asking matters—if you don't ask, the answer is always no. She offers practical tips for making requests more persuasive, such as using the word "because" to justify your request and opening with "Would it be possible for..." to sound more polite. The bottom line: don't be afraid to ask, and if someone offers help before you ask for it, accept it with grace. As Moore's grandfather demonstrated when he offered to lend money to a neighbor who lost his horse, giving can be just as rewarding as receiving.

Summary

At its core, Susie Moore's journey reveals a profound truth: the greatest freedom comes from releasing ourselves from the prison of others' opinions. Throughout her life—from her challenging childhood in women's shelters to her success in Silicon Valley and beyond—Moore discovered that self-approval isn't just a nice concept but a practical approach to living a more authentic, joyful life. By questioning inherited beliefs, embracing our unique strengths, finding humor in difficulties, trusting our intuition, taking responsibility for our choices, and asking for what we deserve, we can break free from the approval trap that keeps so many of us playing small. The wisdom Moore shares transcends simple self-help advice; it offers a fundamental shift in how we relate to ourselves and the world. She reminds us that we are worthy exactly as we are—not when we're thinner, richer, or more accomplished, but right now. This unshakable worthiness is our birthright. As we learn to validate ourselves rather than seeking constant external approval, we discover a dangerous level of personal freedom that allows us to pursue our dreams without apology. For anyone feeling trapped by others' expectations or their own self-doubt, this message offers not just comfort but a practical path forward: stop checking your likes, and start approving of yourself.

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Susie Moore

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