The All-or-Nothing Marriage

The All-or-Nothing Marriage Plot Summary

Introduction

In 1809, when Thomas and Nancy Lincoln welcomed their son Abraham into the world in a one-room Kentucky cabin, marriage was primarily a practical arrangement centered on survival. Fast forward to 2015, when the U.S. Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage, declaring that the institution had evolved to represent "the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family." This remarkable transformation reflects one of the most profound social revolutions in human history - the journey of marriage from a pragmatic survival pact to a vehicle for personal growth and self-expression. This evolution mirrors broader societal changes, from agricultural to industrial to information economies, each reshaping what we expect from our most intimate relationships. As we've climbed what might be called "Mount Maslow" - from seeking basic security to pursuing self-actualization through marriage - we've created both unprecedented opportunities for fulfillment and new vulnerabilities. Understanding this journey illuminates not just how marriage has changed, but why modern relationships can feel simultaneously more rewarding and more fragile than ever before. For anyone navigating the complexities of contemporary relationships or curious about how economic and cultural forces shape our most personal choices, this historical perspective offers valuable insights and practical wisdom.

Chapter 1: Pragmatic Foundations: Marriage as Economic Partnership (1620-1850)

In early America, marriage functioned primarily as an economic institution rather than a romantic one. From the arrival of the Mayflower in 1620 through the mid-19th century, harsh frontier conditions meant that marital cooperation could literally determine survival. When Thomas Lincoln's first wife Nancy died in 1818, he promptly traveled to Kentucky to find a new spouse, marrying Sarah Bush Johnston without a romantic courtship. This pragmatic approach wasn't unusual - widows and widowers typically remarried within months, as single-person households were economically unviable in an era when families produced most of what they consumed. The colonial American household operated as the primary unit of economic production, with family members working collectively to meet basic needs. Gender roles were complementary but distinct: women managed domestic production (cooking, cleaning, gardening, brewing, churning butter, making cheese, and raising children), while men focused on farming, hunting, and building. The Puritans who settled New England viewed marriage as a sacred institution, but their approach differed fundamentally from modern conceptions. They considered marriage a civil contract rather than a religious sacrament, and while they believed love was desirable, it wasn't deemed essential for a successful union. Colonial marriages were deeply embedded within community structures, with the household rather than the individual serving as the basic societal unit. When colonists married, they committed themselves to family obligations even when doing so undermined personal happiness. Divorce was rare and difficult to obtain, requiring proof of serious misconduct like adultery or desertion. Communities had vested interests in maintaining stable marriages, as failed households could become burdens on others. This social context meant that individual fulfillment was secondary to collective welfare, a perspective that would gradually shift as America developed. As the nation moved toward independence in the late 1700s, Enlightenment ideas about individual rights and personal liberty began influencing marital relationships. The ideology of "separate spheres" emerged, with men inhabiting the public domain of politics, commerce, and law, while women dominated the private realm of child-rearing, domestic work, and religious education. Alexis de Tocqueville, visiting America in the 1830s, observed what he called the "democratic marriage" - a relationship that purported to accord equal status to husband and wife, though their roles remained distinctly different. This arrangement maintained hierarchy while adapting to new cultural values about equality. By the early 19th century, industrialization was beginning to transform the American economy, gradually separating work from home and creating conditions for a new marital model. As basic survival became less precarious, Americans could increasingly afford to prioritize emotional fulfillment in marriage. The pragmatic partnerships that had characterized colonial life would soon give way to unions based on love and companionship rather than mere economic necessity. This transition represented the first major evolution in American marriage, setting the stage for further transformations that would unfold over the following centuries.

Chapter 2: Love Conquers All: The Breadwinner-Homemaker Era (1850-1965)

Between 1850 and 1965, industrialization revolutionized both the American economy and the institution of marriage. As factory work replaced farming as the dominant form of employment, a clear separation emerged between workplace and home, fostering the breadwinner-homemaker model. This arrangement, where husbands worked for wages outside the home while wives managed domestic affairs, represented a fundamental shift in marital dynamics. Unlike their farming predecessors, industrial-era couples inhabited separate worlds during working hours, creating both new challenges and opportunities for their relationships. Unprecedented economic growth during this period made basic survival less precarious, allowing Americans to prioritize emotional fulfillment in marriage. The home was reconceptualized as "a haven in a heartless world" - a place where men could escape the stresses of competitive business life and women could create a moral sanctuary for their families. Sociologist Christopher Lasch observed that the family became "a counterweight to acquisitive values and a refuge from materialistic corruptions." This ideological shift elevated love to unprecedented importance in marriage formation, with couples increasingly expecting emotional satisfaction rather than just practical cooperation. The Victorian era's strict sexual morality began loosening in the early 20th century, and sexual compatibility gained new prominence in marriage. Women increasingly recognized their own sexual desires, shedding the restrictive attitudes of previous generations. Social commentators argued that satisfying sexual experiences were essential for marital success. An "undersexed" marriage became unacceptable in the same way that a loveless marriage had become unacceptable decades earlier. This sexual revolution within marriage occurred gradually, with marriage manuals and women's magazines increasingly addressing topics that had previously been taboo. The Great Depression and World War II temporarily disrupted marriage patterns but ultimately strengthened the love-based, breadwinner-homemaker model. Economic hardship during the 1930s forced many couples to delay marriage or postpone childbearing. During WWII, women entered the workforce in unprecedented numbers, with iconic figures like "Rosie the Riveter" symbolizing their new economic roles. Yet paradoxically, the post-war period saw an even stronger embrace of traditional gender roles, with women leaving jobs to create the suburban, breadwinner-homemaker lifestyle that would define the 1950s. The 1950s brought unprecedented prosperity, with inflation-adjusted median salaries for high school graduates nearly doubling between 1950 and 1973. This economic boom enabled more families to live comfortably on a single income, allowing women to focus on homemaking. Marriage rates soared, with 95% of Americans who came of age during this period eventually marrying. Television shows like "Leave It to Beaver" and "The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet" popularized an idealized version of suburban family life that many Americans aspired to achieve, though as historian Stephanie Coontz reminds us, "Leave It to Beaver was not a documentary." By the early 1960s, cracks were appearing in this marital ideal. Betty Friedan's "The Feminine Mystique" (1963) articulated the discontent many women felt despite their material comfort: "Each suburban wife struggled with it alone... she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question—'Is this all?'" The breadwinner-homemaker model had inherent limitations: women's economic dependence made equality difficult, nuclear families became socially isolated, and spouses often lacked true insight into each other's daily experiences. These tensions would soon erupt into another revolutionary transformation of American marriage.

Chapter 3: Revolutionary Shifts: Counterculture and Gender Equality (1965-1980)

Between 1965 and 1980, American marriage underwent its most dramatic transformation in history. The countercultural revolution of the 1960s challenged traditional authority in all forms, including within marriage. The birth control pill, widely available by 1961, helped launch the sexual revolution by separating sex from reproduction. Betty Friedan's "The Feminine Mystique" triggered second-wave feminism, while civil rights movements emphasized individual dignity and freedom. These cultural currents converged to fundamentally reshape marital expectations and dynamics. Divorce rates skyrocketed during this period, doubling to approximately 50 percent by 1980. No-fault divorce laws swept the nation, beginning with California in 1969, allowing couples to end marriages without proving misconduct. The legal concept of "irreconcilable differences" replaced the requirement to demonstrate adultery, cruelty, or desertion. This legal shift reflected a broader cultural change: marriage was increasingly viewed as a vehicle for personal fulfillment rather than a permanent social institution. Sociologist Amitai Etzioni predicted in 1977 that if divorce trends continued, there would be no intact families in America by the 1990s - an alarmist forecast that didn't materialize but reflected the anxiety of the era. Women entered the workforce in unprecedented numbers, fundamentally altering family dynamics. The percentage of married women engaged in wage labor surged from 24 to 62 percent between 1960 and 1990. This economic independence gave women more options outside of marriage and changed power dynamics within relationships. Couples increasingly needed to negotiate roles rather than following predetermined gender scripts. The dual-income family became the new norm, creating both opportunities and challenges as spouses navigated work-life balance and shared domestic responsibilities. The emphasis on authenticity and self-expression that characterized the counterculture became central to marriage. Humanistic psychology, popularized by figures like Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow, emphasized self-discovery and personal growth. Rogers defined a relationship as a social connection in which "one individual is helping the other to develop and grow, without infringing too much on the other's personality." Americans increasingly looked to marriage not only for love but also for self-actualization - the fulfillment of their unique potential as individuals. Sexual fulfillment became even more central to marriage during this period. The idea that spouses should be passionate lovers as well as companions and co-parents gained widespread acceptance. Open marriage, swinging, and other alternative relationship structures entered mainstream discourse, challenging traditional notions of marital exclusivity. The 1972 bestseller "Open Marriage" by Nena and George O'Neill popularized the idea that some couples might benefit from allowing extramarital affairs, though most Americans ultimately rejected this particular aspect of sexual liberation. By 1980, the traditional breadwinner-homemaker model had been largely supplanted by a more egalitarian approach to marriage. Though the transition was turbulent, causing significant social disruption and uncertainty, a new equilibrium would eventually emerge. The revolution had permanently altered American marriage, establishing expectations for gender equality, personal fulfillment, and authentic self-expression that would define the institution in subsequent decades. These changes created both new opportunities for deeper connection and new challenges as couples struggled to meet elevated expectations with limited resources.

Chapter 4: The Self-Expressive Union: Pursuing Authenticity and Growth

Since the 1980s, marriage in America has evolved into what might be called the "self-expressive marriage" - a relationship in which spouses seek not only love and companionship but also personal growth and authenticity. This model builds upon rather than replaces the love-based marriage, adding new expectations at what psychologist Abraham Maslow would call the highest level of human needs: self-actualization. In the self-expressive marriage, partners function as mutual catalysts for growth, helping each other discover and cultivate their authentic selves. Researchers call this dynamic the "Michelangelo effect," named after the sculptor who saw his task as revealing the beautiful form already dwelling within marble. Similarly, partners "sculpt" each other toward their ideal selves through support, encouragement, and honest feedback. This process is illustrated in films like "As Good As It Gets," where Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt, "You make me want to be a better man." When successful, this mutual growth creates unprecedented levels of intimacy and fulfillment. However, it also requires sophisticated emotional skills and substantial time investment at a moment when many Americans feel increasingly time-starved. Technology and social media have profoundly influenced modern marriages, creating what researcher Brigid Schulte calls "time confetti" - the fragmentation of attention that makes it difficult to be fully present with one's spouse. Studies show that between 1975 and 2003, the amount of time that childless Americans spent alone with their spouse declined from thirty-five to twenty-six hours per week. For couples with children, it dropped from thirteen to nine hours. This decline occurred precisely when marriages were being asked to fulfill higher-level emotional and psychological needs, creating what might be called an "oxygenation deficit" - marriages lack the resources to give spouses everything they're asking of them. Sexual fulfillment remains central to the self-expressive marriage, but with new complexities. Sex therapist Esther Perel notes that sustaining desire in long-term relationships requires reconciling contradictory needs: "Fire needs air; desire needs space." The challenge is maintaining mystery and excitement within the familiarity of marriage - transitioning from responsible partners to passionate lovers despite the mundane realities of daily life together. This balancing act becomes particularly difficult when couples are exhausted from work demands and parenting responsibilities. The self-expressive marriage has created what researchers call an "all-or-nothing" state. As marriage has become oriented toward fulfilling higher-level needs, it's become more difficult for relationships to live up to expectations, leading more couples to feel disappointed. At the same time, the benefits of having a marriage that meets these elevated expectations are greater than ever before. Consequently, while the average marriage may be getting worse, the best marriages are getting better than ever - offering levels of fulfillment that would have been unimaginable in earlier eras. This paradox explains both rising divorce rates and the continued popularity of marriage as an institution. Despite knowing that roughly 40-50 percent of marriages end in divorce, most Americans continue to view marriage as a desirable life goal and report that having a successful marriage is "extremely important" to them. The potential rewards of self-expressive marriage are so compelling that people are willing to take the risk, even knowing the significant challenges involved. This tension between high expectations and limited resources defines the contemporary marriage landscape.

Chapter 5: Divided Paths: Class Inequality in Modern Marriage

A striking divergence has emerged in American marriage patterns based on social class. While marriage has always varied somewhat by economic status, today we see what amounts to two entirely different marital systems operating in the same country. This division mirrors and reinforces the broader economic inequality that has reached levels not seen since the 1920s, creating what sociologists call "diverging destinies" for Americans based on their education and income levels. For Americans with college degrees, marriage is thriving. They typically marry later (around age 30), after completing education and establishing careers. Their divorce rates have plummeted since the 1980s, and their relationships show increasing satisfaction. These couples often form what sociologists call "assortative marriages" - pairing based on similar education and career prospects. As one researcher noted, "Fifty years ago, during the Mad Men era, an executive might marry his secretary. Today he is much more likely to marry another executive or a doctor." This pattern concentrates resources within households and contributes to widening inequality. In stark contrast, marriage among Americans without college degrees is in crisis. Lower-income Americans are less likely to marry at all, and those who do face much higher divorce rates - approximately 60 percent for women without a high school degree compared to just 22 percent for college-educated women. The gap between these groups has widened dramatically since 1980, when divorce rates were similar across educational levels. Many working-class Americans now view marriage as a "capstone" achievement to be pursued after financial stability is attained, rather than a "cornerstone" for building adult life. This marriage divide isn't caused by different values or attitudes. Research by psychologists Thomas Trail and Benjamin Karney found that lower-income Americans value marriage just as much as higher-income Americans do. They have virtually identical views about what makes marriages successful, placing high importance on communication, mutual support, and understanding each other's hopes and dreams. The difference lies in their ability to achieve these ideals amid economic instability. Economic precariousness creates conditions that make sustaining healthy relationships extremely difficult. Lower-income Americans face unpredictable work schedules, financial stress, and limited resources for childcare or date nights. As journalist Jannette Navarro's story in The New York Times illustrated, working a near-minimum wage job with fluctuating hours creates "chronic crisis over the clock" that makes maintaining a relationship nearly impossible. Without financial cushions, events like car breakdowns or medical emergencies can trigger cascading crises that strain even the strongest bonds. The marriage divide both reflects and reinforces broader inequality. Children raised in stable, two-parent households tend to have better outcomes in education, health, and future relationships. As marriage becomes increasingly concentrated among the already-advantaged, it functions as another mechanism through which privilege is transmitted across generations. Breaking this cycle requires addressing both the economic conditions that undermine relationship stability for lower-income Americans and providing better support for couples navigating the challenges of contemporary marriage.

Chapter 6: Strategies for Success: Navigating High Expectations

In today's self-expressive marriage landscape, couples face the challenge of balancing elevated expectations with practical realities. The most successful marriages adopt flexible approaches that allow for both reaching the heights of personal fulfillment and navigating inevitable difficult periods. Three key strategies have emerged from relationship science research that can help couples thrive amid the complexities of modern marriage. The first strategy involves what researchers call "lovehacking" - implementing small, efficient changes in how we think about our partner and relationship. These include making external, temporary attributions for negative partner behaviors ("he's late because of traffic" rather than "he's late because he's inconsiderate") and making internal, stable attributions for positive behaviors ("she brought me flowers because she's thoughtful"). Studies show that cultivating gratitude through simple practices like reflecting weekly on ways your spouse has invested in your relationship can significantly boost relationship satisfaction with minimal time investment. These techniques don't require extensive coordination with a partner but can shift our perspective in ways that strengthen the relationship. For couples ready to invest more deeply, "going all in" means dedicating substantial time and psychological energy to the relationship. This includes creating regular opportunities for uninterrupted connection - what columnist Frank Bruni calls "serendipitous connection" that happens when couples spend expansive time together without specific agendas. Research shows that couples who regularly engage in novel and exciting activities together experience greater relationship satisfaction and sexual desire. As psychologist Amy Muise found, self-expanding experiences with one's partner, from learning new skills together to taking road trips, significantly enhance relationship quality. This approach requires more resources but offers the greatest potential rewards. The third strategy, "recalibration," involves temporarily lowering expectations during challenging life phases. When facing stressors like a newborn baby, career crisis, or health issue, successful couples recognize when to stop seeking self-expression through marriage and focus on basic support and endurance. As marriage researcher John Gottman notes, sometimes a "good enough marriage" where spouses "have coffee and pastries together on a Saturday afternoon and really enjoy the conversation" is sufficient during difficult periods. This flexibility prevents disappointment from compounding existing stress and allows couples to weather difficult seasons without feeling their relationship has failed. Communication remains the foundation for all these strategies. The most fulfilling marriages feature what psychologists call "responsive communication" - interactions characterized by understanding (comprehending your partner's core self), validation (respecting their perspective), and caring (expressing warmth and concern). This responsiveness allows partners to function as both a "safe haven" during distress and a "secure base" for exploration and growth. Developing these communication skills often requires deliberate practice, as they don't come naturally to most people. The journey of marriage resembles mountain climbing - requiring preparation, skill development, and strategic decisions about when to push forward and when to retreat. Like climbers who descend to base camp during storms, couples sometimes need to temporarily lower their expectations during challenging periods. But with proper equipment, training, and weather conditions, the view from the summit offers rewards that make the climb worthwhile - the profound happiness, growth, and connection that self-expressive marriage at its best can provide.

Summary

The transformation of American marriage from a pragmatic economic partnership to a self-expressive union represents one of the most significant social evolutions in human history. This journey up what might be called "Mount Maslow" - from fulfilling basic survival needs to pursuing self-actualization through marriage - has created unprecedented opportunities for profound connection alongside new vulnerabilities. The central tension running through this history is between rising expectations and limited resources. As we've asked more from our marriages psychologically and emotionally, we've simultaneously invested less time and attention in them, creating what scholars call the "suffocation model" of marriage - like mountain climbers ascending to higher altitudes where oxygen is scarce. Understanding this historical evolution offers valuable guidance for contemporary relationships. First, we must recognize that marriage requires deliberate investment proportional to our expectations - the higher we climb on Mount Maslow, the more oxygen (time, attention, communication skills) we need. Second, we should approach marriage with flexibility, adjusting our strategies as circumstances change rather than clinging to rigid ideals. Finally, we should acknowledge that economic security provides the foundation for relationship stability, which explains the troubling "marriage gap" that has emerged along class lines. By addressing both the personal challenges of modern marriage through better relationship skills and the structural challenges through economic policies that support families, we can help more couples achieve the profound fulfillment that self-expressive marriage at its best can provide.

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Eli J. Finkel

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