The Asshole Survival Guide

The Asshole Survival Guide Plot Summary

Introduction

Working in modern organizations can sometimes feel like navigating a minefield of difficult personalities. We've all encountered them – the colleague who belittles your ideas in meetings, the boss who takes credit for your work, or the client who makes unreasonable demands with impossible deadlines. These toxic interactions don't just make your workday unpleasant; they drain your energy, undermine your confidence, and can even impact your physical and mental health. The good news is that you don't have to remain a helpless victim of workplace toxicity. There are proven strategies to assess, escape, minimize, shield yourself from, and even effectively confront the difficult people you encounter. The approaches in this guide are grounded in extensive research and real-world experiences. By learning to recognize toxic behaviors early, developing practical response strategies, and maintaining your dignity throughout, you can reclaim your workplace sanity and protect your wellbeing – even in the most challenging environments.

Chapter 1: Assess Your Asshole Situation

Dealing with toxic people effectively begins with an accurate assessment of your situation. Not all difficult behaviors are created equal, and the severity, frequency, and context of these behaviors should inform your response strategy. The first diagnostic question to ask yourself is whether you genuinely feel treated like dirt – do interactions with the person leave you feeling oppressed, demeaned, disrespected, or de-energized? Consider the marketing manager who worked for years at what he called the "A$$hole Factory." His workplace was so dysfunctional that "someone should tent the building and spray it with A$$hole insecticide." The environment featured family members running the company who routinely yelled at employees, scowled, growled, and spoke to staff as if they were children. The president would even walk into the manager's cubicle, stick his hands into his bag of chips, then look at him and say, "Can I have some?" What made this situation particularly toxic was how systemic the problem was – the behavior spread from leadership to middle management, creating a culture where abuse became normalized. The manager confessed that after seven years in this environment, he too began acting like an asshole. "I was losing my temper with vendors on the phone; my stress level was getting too high to manage; and I started to send more scathing emails. It also started to affect my personal life, as I would come home from work and lose my temper with my partner for no reason." The toxicity had infected him, demonstrating how destructive environments can transform even well-intentioned people. To properly assess your situation, consider several key diagnostic questions beyond just feeling disrespected: How long will the ugliness persist? Are you dealing with a temporary or certified asshole? Is it an individual or a systemic disease? How much power do you have compared to the toxic person? And most importantly, how much are you actually suffering? A temporary encounter with rudeness is very different from years of systemic abuse that follows you home. Beware of "Asshole Blindness" – the tendency to normalize or downplay toxic behavior over time. Many people tell themselves lies like "It's really not that bad" or "I can handle it" when they should be taking action. The marketing manager at the "A$$hole Factory" didn't realize how corrosive the environment was until after he escaped. Being honest about your situation is the essential first step toward developing an effective survival strategy. Remember to resist making snap judgments. Talk to trusted people who can provide perspective on your situation, and consider whether your perception might be influenced by other factors. A thorough assessment will help you determine whether you need minimal protective measures or a major intervention plan.

Chapter 2: Make a Strategic Escape When Necessary

Sometimes the most effective survival strategy is simply to leave. Despite the old saying that "winners never quit," there are situations where making a clean getaway is the healthiest and most strategic choice. Getting out can provide sweet relief from a certified jerk or from a place where jerks rule the roost. Even brief but dreadful encounters can be solved by leaving the scene. Consider the case of Misty Shelsky, a convenience store cashier who quit after William Ernst, owner of the QC Mart chain, "offered a $10 cash prize to workers who could predict which of them would next be fired." Shelsky and several colleagues resigned when they realized the company memo about the contest wasn't a joke. As she told the Des Moines Register, "It was very degrading. We looked at that, then looked at each other, and said 'OK, we're done.'" When Shelsky applied for unemployment benefits, the owner challenged her claim because she had resigned rather than been fired. However, Judge Susan Ackerman awarded Shelsky benefits because Ernst had "created a hostile work environment" and called the competition "egregious and deplorable." Research supports this escape approach. Studies show that people who face or witness mean-spirited acts often react by leaving and avoiding the scene afterward. A study by Yale sociologist Philip Smith found that over 50% of victims interviewed reacted with some form of "exit" – leaving or looking away in response to being pushed, hollered at, spat at, or experiencing other indignities. Dana Yagil of the University of Haifa shows that when customers treat service employees poorly, they respond by taking sick days and eventually resigning. Of course, not everyone can simply walk away. Before making an exit, carefully assess your options and appetite for risk. A young attorney who was a year into a two-year clerkship with an abusive federal judge decided to endure a second year despite the hostile workplace. The judge threw frequent tantrums and her co-clerks were depressed – one would bang his phone violently on his desk when upset. However, quitting would have been "career suicide" and she had "massive" student debt to pay off. In her case, staying and counting down the days was the most practical option. If you can't leave your organization entirely, consider moving within it. Research from Gallup and Google's People Analytics group confirms the old saying that "people leave bosses, not companies." Smart organizations like Salesforce make it easy for employees to switch internal teams. About 20% of Salesforce engineers decide to switch teams each year, and when a boss keeps losing members and can't recruit new ones, senior management takes that as a sign the leader isn't treating people right. Before entering new workplaces or relationships, practice "foresee and steer clear" strategies. Check reputations, seek reliable gossip from former employees, and look for warning signs during interviews. One candidate observed that his potential boss "never smiled, and no one smiled at him," and "passed people on the line without so much as a nod." He declined the job offer, trusting his assessment that "I would have ended up working for an asshole."

Chapter 3: Minimize Exposure to Unavoidable Jerks

When you can't escape toxic people completely, the next best strategy is to limit your exposure to them. Just as you would minimize contact with someone who has a contagious disease, reducing interactions with toxic people helps protect you from their negative influence. Research confirms that negative emotions and behaviors are highly contagious – we tend to "catch" thoughts, emotions, and behaviors from others even when we don't want to. Dr. Katy DeCelles of the University of Toronto, who studies abusive people and ugly conflict, offers simple but powerful advice: "Don't engage with crazy." This principle can be applied through several practical strategies. First, use physical distance to your advantage. MIT professor Tom Allen discovered what's now called the "Allen curve" – people are four times more likely to communicate with colleagues who sit six feet away compared to those sixty feet away. Once people are about 150 feet apart, communication becomes so rare they might as well be in different cities. A university administration team used this principle effectively when dealing with an arrogant professor. After receiving a large research grant, this professor began "pounding his tenured chest," berating administrators about how much money he brought in and demanding extensive space for his team. The administrators offered him a new suite of offices several miles from the main campus. The pompous professor took the bait, delighted with his spacious new domain, while his colleagues were even more pleased because they rarely saw or heard from him afterward. When you can't create physical distance, try "ducking strategies" to limit interactions. Pamela Lutgen-Sandvik from North Dakota State University found that victims of workplace bullying practiced this "nearly as an art form." A vice president at a sports fishing business described how her boss would "scream and yell every day" from his all-glass office where "the constant surveillance was deliberate." She limited exposure by staying out of the office as much as possible: "You learn not to show up at work too much. You make arrangements to go to meetings. You're just too busy to go to the office." Another effective technique is to slow the rhythm of exchanges with toxic people. Some bullies take pleasure in provoking strong reactions – your visible distress reinforces their behavior. A doctoral student with an abusive advisor learned to respond more and more slowly over the years to her advisor's demeaning emails and late-night phone calls. At first, she jumped to respond immediately, which only fueled more abuse. Eventually, she waited days or even weeks before replying, which reduced the frequency of hostile communications. Finding safety zones or "backstage regions" provides another way to minimize exposure. Sociologist Erving Goffman noted that just as theaters have backstage areas where actors can prepare for and recover from performances, people in all walks of life need spaces where they can find relief from toxic interactions. Nurses' lounges, teachers' lounges, and even bathrooms often serve this purpose. A Disney executive described how cast members at Disneyland use "cool-down rooms" to separate upset guests from others, preventing negative emotions from contaminating the park experience. When all else fails, sometimes "hiding in plain sight" by becoming socially invisible can provide protection. Transportation security officers (TSOs) at airports often use this strategy, as researchers Michel Anteby and Curtis Chan discovered. Being noticed by management typically meant trouble, so TSOs developed ways to "float under the radar" through tactics like avoiding excellent work (which would draw attention) and downplaying their personal lives to remain anonymous and interchangeable.

Chapter 4: Employ Mind Tricks That Protect Your Soul

Even when you can't escape or reduce exposure to toxic people, you can still protect yourself by changing how you think about the situation. These mental reframing strategies act like a protective flak jacket that shields you from the emotional damage inflicted by difficult people. While they don't change the objective reality of your circumstances, they can significantly reduce your suffering. West Point cadet Becky Margiotta demonstrated the power of reframing during her first year at the academy. As a "plebe," she faced constant hazing from upper-class cadets who stood "two inches from her nose" and screamed about all the ways she was a failure. Rather than taking this abuse personally, Becky had an epiphany – she began seeing these antics as "incredibly entertaining." She focused on how imaginative and funny the upper-class cadets were as they hazed plebes, admiring their "wit and skill." Sometimes, she found their taunts so hilarious that she couldn't suppress her laughter – which got her into more trouble but made the situation even more amusing to her. This approach has a scientific basis in cognitive behavioral therapy, which helps patients see experiences in a more positive light. Social psychologists have shown that reframing disturbing experiences can provide real relief. For example, when the same test is framed as a "challenging questionnaire" rather than a threatening assessment of intelligence, students perform significantly better. One powerful reframing strategy is telling yourself "you aren't to blame" for the toxic behavior. Experiments at Stanford University found that when students were shown pictures of angry people after being taught to think "Imagine this person is not angry at you but just had a bad day," they were no longer upset by the images. Prison guards use similar tactics to take the sting out of inmates' insults, viewing them as directed at their uniform or role rather than at them personally. Another effective mind trick is to "downplay the threat" by telling yourself "it's not that bad." Telephone bill collectors I studied used this approach when dealing with hostile debtors, saying things like "that was nothing, I've had a lot worse." They would share war stories about far more abusive debtors, which not only provided comfort but also created social bonds among colleagues. Finding humor in difficult situations can be especially protective. Research using the "Coping Humor Scale" shows that people suffer less emotional and physical harm when they see the humor in distressing situations. Targets often give their tormentors funny nicknames like "boardhole," "bosshole," or "the Sea Witch," which helps reduce the pain. When I spoke with a Stanford staff member about her controlling boss who timed how long she spent in the bathroom, we ended up laughing about this ridiculous behavior – seeing the sheer absurdity made it hurt less. The "look back from the future" technique reminds you that "this too shall pass." When facing difficulties, think about how you'll feel about them in the distant future. Researchers Emma Bruehlman-Senecal and Ozlem Ayduk found that people who focus on how they will feel weeks or months after a stressful event experience less immediate anxiety and anger. A former Costco cashier used this approach with her terrible supervisor who criticized her constantly – she focused on how, by the time she got home that night, the day's events would seem like no big deal. For the most severe situations, emotional detachment may be necessary. This "frankly, I don't give a damn" strategy can have downsides, including potential disengagement from your work. But when toxic people make your life miserable, giving them as little of yourself as possible can save your sanity. As one government employee wrote, she developed hollow responses like "Thanks, I will take that into consideration" and "I appreciate your input" to reveal as little of herself as possible to people determined to hurt her.

Chapter 5: Fight Back Effectively When Needed

While escape, avoidance, and mental reframing are often the safest responses to toxic behavior, sometimes you need to stand up and fight back. Doing battle with difficult people is risky business – once they notice your efforts to stifle their rudeness, they can become vindictive. That's why fighting back requires even greater thought and vigilance than other strategies. When preparing to confront a toxic person, consider three key resources: power, documentation, and allies. The less power you have compared to your tormentor, the fewer options you have and the more risk you face. Documentation provides crucial evidence in "he said, she said" situations – save emails, keep careful notes, and even take pictures or videos if possible. Finally, having allies improves your chances of success dramatically. A study by Professor Pamela Lutgen-Sandvik found that when bullied employees banded together to fight back, authorities punished 58% of the abusers and none of the bullied employees were fired. However, when employees battled alone, only 27% of the bullies were punished and 20% of the bullied employees were fired. One effective approach is calm, rational, and candid confrontation. This works well with temporary or clueless assholes who may not realize the impact of their behavior. A CEO was shocked when two female executive vice presidents gently admonished him after a meeting, pointing out that he had interrupted each of them at least six times but never interrupted the male executives. Horrified and embarrassed, he begged for forgiveness and vowed to change his behavior. Similarly, a manager at a public utility would invoke the company's "core values" whenever colleagues violated them, asking questions like "can you tell me which core value that represents – is it integrity, respect, maybe teamwork?" For more persistent or malicious offenders, porcupine power might be necessary. Some toxic people view kindness as weakness and won't back down until you show your quills. A manager described how a "major asshole" (a retired army major) backed off only after she gave him "a hard stare" and informed him his behavior was "absolutely unacceptable." The retired major had mistaken her initial warmth as a sign of weakness, but responded to direct confrontation. Sometimes strategic love bombing or buttering up difficult people can be effective. A software engineer observed that a quality assurance person with a notorious temper loved chocolate, especially dark chocolate, and comfort-ate under stress. As release deadlines approached and tensions mounted, the engineer would bring in pounds of dark chocolate for the QA team, which "really could blunt the worst of her temper." My daughter Claire used a similar approach with a grumpy cook at a Boston restaurant where she worked. She decided to "kill him with kindness," responding to his grumpiness with warmth and compliments. Eventually he "wore down" and became very nice to her, even giving her free food. For systemic problems, using organizational systems to reform or expel jerks may be necessary. Companies like Baird (financial services), Box (file sharing), and Netflix have explicit "no asshole" or "no jerks" rules. When Paul Purcell became Chairman of Baird, he would inform job candidates that if he discovered they were assholes, he would fire them – and he did so on several occasions. Laszlo Bock, who headed Google's People Operations for a decade, found that struggling employees often improved dramatically when moved to different roles, rising from the bottom 5% to around the 50th percentile in performance. However, be wary of weak or rigged systems. Even if your organization has "official" systems to prevent abusive behavior, HR, legal, or senior management may not help you fight local bullies. A supervisor wrote about one of her direct reports – the department secretary – who was "nasty, mean, and insubordinate" when they were alone but "sweet as sugar" when others were present. The secretary had cultivated a close friendship with the HR director, so the supervisor's efforts to document and report the secretary's behavior were unsuccessful. The most important lesson about fighting back comes from research on "upward hostility" by Bennett Tepper. His studies found that employees who returned fire to abusive bosses (rather than acting like passive victims) felt more in control of their fates and suffered less damage. Even if you don't win the war, defending your dignity can make you tougher and more resilient in the long run.

Chapter 6: Create Asshole-Free Zones in Your Life

Creating spaces in your life where toxicity can't thrive is perhaps the most important long-term strategy for maintaining your sanity. This approach goes beyond just surviving difficult people – it's about actively cultivating environments and relationships that nourish rather than drain you. The guiding principle is what I call the "da Vinci rule," based on Leonardo da Vinci's insight that "it is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end." Celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain exemplifies this philosophy. After becoming famous for his tell-all book Kitchen Confidential, he defined his success by the question "Do I like the people I am dealing with?" As he told Inc. magazine, "I live in business by something I call the no-asshole rule. It's an important one. I actually like everybody I do business with." Bourdain once walked away from a potentially lucrative TV deal that would have made him "Bond villain-wealthy" simply because he and his team asked themselves, "If the phone rings at 11 p.m., do you want it to be that asshole?" Their unanimous answer was "No way!" Beyond avoiding toxic environments, actively protecting others is equally important. At Stanford, professor Perry Klebahn found that overbearing jerks disrupted team dynamics in design courses. His solution was to "put all the bad apples in one barrel" – moving difficult executives into the same team during innovation workshops. This approach had two benefits: teams that lost the "alpha types" expressed relief and did better work, while the team of difficult people often developed healthy dynamics and produced "shockingly good prototypes." Looking inward is also essential – you might be part of the problem without realizing it. As comedian Craig Ferguson joked, "Every group has an asshole. If you look around and don't see one, that means it is you." Research shows we're often clueless about our flaws and tend to underestimate their severity. People with the weakest interpersonal skills are paradoxically most likely to overestimate them. The prestigious attorney who bragged about treating everyone with respect was the same person who had berated my wife for declining a job at his firm – completely oblivious to the contradiction. When you have behaved badly, a sincere apology can help repair relationships. Film director John Carney demonstrated this after publicly criticizing actress Keira Knightley. His subsequent apology acknowledged his fault clearly: "I said a number of things about Keira which were petty, mean and hurtful. I'm ashamed of myself that I could say such things." He took full responsibility, made repairs by praising her performance, expressed regret, and committed to change by asserting it was something he "will never repeat." Be cautious about becoming a "toxic enabler" who makes it easier for jerks to avoid consequences. These enablers often act as "handlers" who clean up the messes left by abusive individuals. After a toxic executive's angry tirades, for example, the enabler might "walk from office to office, explaining the boss's 'real' opinions and assuring people he was not as angry as he seemed." While this provides temporary relief, it allows the destructive behavior to continue indefinitely. Finally, try a bit of "mental time travel" to guide your actions. As one reader wrote, "No one ever says, on their deathbed, 'I wish I had been meaner.'" Imagine looking back from the future and feeling proud of how you responded to difficult people – what would that version of you have done? This imaginary perspective can help you make better choices in the present. Harvard biologist Edward O. Wilson relates a charming German fable about a group of porcupines huddling for warmth on a freezing night. As they moved closer, they poked each other with their spines, so they moved apart and got cold again. After shuffling repeatedly in and out, "they eventually found a distance at which they could still be comfortably warm without getting pricked. This distance they henceforth called decency and good manners." Like those porcupines, we must learn to share warmth with others without causing harm – creating spaces infused with decency and respect, where assholes have no place to thrive.

Summary

Throughout this guide, we've explored practical strategies for surviving toxic people without becoming one yourself. From accurately assessing your situation to making strategic escapes, minimizing exposure, protecting your soul with mind tricks, fighting back effectively, and creating asshole-free zones, you now have a comprehensive toolkit for maintaining your sanity in challenging environments. As Maya Angelou wisely noted, "At the end of the day people won't remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel." This insight works both ways – it reminds us to be mindful of how others make us feel and how we make others feel. Your immediate next step is to honestly assess the toxic people in your life using the diagnostic questions from chapter one. Are you dealing with a temporary or certified asshole? Is it an individual or systemic disease? How much power do you have in the situation? Once you've evaluated your specific circumstances, choose the strategy that best fits your situation. Remember that you don't have to face these challenges alone – recruit allies who can provide perspective, support, and collective action when needed. By taking control of how you respond to difficult people rather than simply reacting, you can maintain your dignity, protect your wellbeing, and create more civilized spaces for yourself and others.

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Robert I. Sutton

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