The Coaching Habit

The Coaching Habit Plot Summary

Introduction

In today's fast-paced leadership environment, we're constantly pulled in multiple directions, overwhelmed with information, and expected to have all the answers. Yet the most effective leaders aren't those who provide immediate solutions to every problem. They're the ones who know how to pause, ask powerful questions, and draw out the wisdom and potential that already exists within their teams. The challenge many of us face isn't a lack of knowledge or good intentions - it's our deeply ingrained habits. We've been rewarded throughout our careers for being the problem-solver, the advice-giver, the person with answers. Breaking this pattern requires more than just understanding the value of coaching; it demands practical tools and consistent application. By mastering a few essential questions and learning when to deploy them, you can transform your leadership approach, work less hard while having greater impact, and help those around you develop their own capabilities in meaningful ways.

Chapter 1: Master the Kickstart Question to Begin Conversations

The way you start a conversation shapes everything that follows. Most workplace discussions begin with either small talk that goes nowhere, rigid agendas that stifle real issues, or jumping straight to solutions for problems that haven't been properly defined. These approaches waste time and rarely address what truly matters. The Kickstart Question cuts through this inefficiency with elegant simplicity: "What's on your mind?" This question works because it's both focused and open. It invites people to go directly to what's most important without dictating the direction. It signals respect for the other person's perspective while creating immediate engagement around meaningful topics. Consider Sarah, a team leader who noticed her weekly check-ins with team members often dissolved into status updates that could have been emails. When she started using "What's on your mind?" to begin these conversations, everything changed. Her direct report Marcus, who typically gave brief, surface-level updates, suddenly opened up about a project challenge that had been keeping him up at night - something he hadn't mentioned in their previous three meetings. This simple shift in approach revealed that Marcus was struggling with stakeholder expectations that seemed impossible to meet. Rather than continuing to hide his concerns, he could now discuss them openly. The conversation quickly moved from routine updates to collaborative problem-solving. To maximize the impact of this question, pair it with what the author calls the "3P model" to focus the conversation even further. After asking what's on someone's mind, help them clarify whether they want to discuss a Project (the content of the work), People (relationship challenges), or Patterns (recurring behaviors or habits that might be getting in their way). This framework helps direct the conversation toward what will be most productive. When you begin conversations with the Kickstart Question, you'll find people become more engaged, conversations become more efficient, and you'll address what truly matters rather than what merely appears on the agenda. This question alone can transform your leadership conversations from transactional exchanges to meaningful interactions that drive real progress.

Chapter 2: Unleash the Power of the AWE Question

The AWE Question - "And what else?" - may seem deceptively simple, but it's so powerful the author calls it "the best coaching question in the world." These three words can transform ordinary conversations into extraordinary ones by creating space for deeper exploration and preventing premature problem-solving. The magic of "And what else?" works in three critical ways. First, it generates more options, which research shows leads to better decisions. Studies by decision researcher Paul Nutt found that when leaders considered only binary choices (should we do this or not?), their decisions failed more than 50% of the time. Adding just one more option reduced failure rates by almost half. The AWE Question naturally creates this expansion of possibilities. Consider Tom, a marketing director who came to his manager with what seemed like a straightforward request for additional budget for a campaign. Instead of immediately saying yes or no, his manager asked, "What else might work here?" Initially annoyed by not getting an immediate answer, Tom reluctantly considered alternatives. His first suggestion was to reallocate funds from another project. When his manager asked "And what else?" again, Tom mentioned potentially partnering with another department. By the third "And what else?" Tom had generated five different approaches, including a creative solution that required no additional budget at all. The second power of this question is that it tames what the author calls the "Advice Monster" - our deeply ingrained habit of jumping in with solutions. When Tom's manager resisted giving immediate advice, it created space for Tom to develop his own thinking. This not only led to better solutions but also built Tom's capacity to solve similar problems independently in the future. The AWE Question also buys you time when you're not sure what to say next. It keeps the conversation going while giving you space to think. The key is to ask it with genuine curiosity and to ask it multiple times - typically three to five times - until the person says "There is nothing else," which signals success, not failure. Remember that the goal isn't to generate endless options but rather to uncover the best ideas and prevent premature closure. By making "And what else?" a regular part of your conversation toolkit, you'll find yourself working less hard while having significantly more impact as a leader.

Chapter 3: Focus on the Real Challenge with Strategic Inquiry

Leaders often pride themselves on being problem solvers, but this instinct can lead us astray. When someone brings us a challenge, our natural tendency is to immediately start working on the first problem presented. However, the initial problem is rarely the real issue that needs addressing. The Focus Question - "What's the real challenge here for you?" - helps cut through the noise to identify what truly matters. This question works by slowing down the rush to action and ensuring you're solving the right problem, not just the first one mentioned. It's carefully constructed to be personal ("for you"), specific ("the real challenge"), and focused on the present situation ("here"). James, a senior executive, was frustrated with his team's lack of progress on a major initiative. In meetings, he'd hear a litany of issues - technology problems, resource constraints, unclear requirements, and stakeholder resistance. Each time a problem was mentioned, James would jump in with solutions, yet overall progress remained stalled. When a colleague suggested he try the Focus Question, everything changed. At the next team meeting, instead of tackling each issue as it arose, James asked, "What's the real challenge here for you?" After a moment of silence, his project manager admitted, "The real challenge is that we don't have alignment on what success looks like. Different stakeholders have conflicting expectations." This insight completely reframed their approach. Rather than solving peripheral issues, they could now address the core problem that was causing the others. The Focus Question helps overcome three common "foggy-fiers" that obscure the real challenge. First, it addresses the "Proliferation of Challenges" - when someone presents multiple problems at once. Second, it redirects "Coaching the Ghost" - when the conversation revolves around a third party not present. Third, it grounds "Abstractions & Generalizations" - when discussions remain theoretical rather than practical. To use this question effectively, trust that you're being useful even when you're not providing immediate solutions. Remember that there's still a place for your advice - just not as the first response. And always consider following the Focus Question with "And what else might be a real challenge here for you?" to ensure you've uncovered all significant issues. By making the Focus Question a regular part of your leadership approach, you'll spend less time solving problems that don't matter and more time addressing the challenges that will truly move things forward.

Chapter 4: Break the Advice-Giving Habit with Curiosity

At the heart of effective leadership lies a fundamental question that most of us struggle to ask clearly and answer honestly: "What do you want?" This seemingly simple inquiry - what the author calls the Foundation Question - is powerful precisely because it's so challenging to address. Many of us don't actually know what we want. Even when we do, we often find it difficult to ask directly. And even when we ask, we may not communicate clearly or listen properly to the response. This communication breakdown leads to misalignment, frustration, and wasted effort as we work on what we think others want rather than what they actually need. Consider the case of Elena, a project manager who was struggling with a difficult stakeholder. In a coaching conversation with her boss, she vented about the stakeholder's unreasonable demands and constant changes. Her boss, resisting the urge to offer immediate advice, simply asked, "What do you want?" Elena started to respond with more complaints, but then paused. After reflection, she realized what she actually wanted wasn't advice on handling the stakeholder but rather support in setting boundaries and permission to push back on scope changes. The Foundation Question works by cutting through the noise to get to the core of what matters. It helps distinguish between surface-level wants (tactical outcomes) and deeper needs (such as autonomy, recognition, or security). Understanding these underlying needs provides insight into how best to support someone. The neuroscience of engagement explains why this question is so effective. Our brains are constantly scanning our environment, asking "Is it safe here?" When we feel threatened, we retreat into fight-or-flight mode. The Foundation Question increases what the author calls the "TERA Quotient" - the sense of Tribe (connection), Expectation (clarity), Rank (status), and Autonomy (choice) that makes people feel psychologically safe and engaged. To make this question even more powerful, consider answering it yourself after asking it of others. When both parties understand what each wants, you create the foundation for truly productive collaboration. This mutual exchange strengthens relationships and builds trust. By incorporating "What do you want?" into your regular conversations, you'll create clearer agreements, stronger relationships, and more effective outcomes. You'll work less hard solving the wrong problems and have more impact addressing what truly matters to those you lead.

Chapter 5: Build Coaching into Your Daily Interactions

One of the biggest obstacles to effective leadership is our tendency to jump in and rescue others. We think we're being helpful, but often we're actually creating dependency, diminishing others' capabilities, and exhausting ourselves in the process. The Lazy Question - "How can I help?" - counteracts this tendency by forcing clarity and preventing premature problem-solving. Despite its name, there's nothing truly lazy about this question. It's strategic, empowering, and ultimately more effective than leaping into action with solutions. Edgar Schein, in his book "Helping," explains that when you offer help, you subtly raise your status and lower the other person's. This dynamic creates resistance rather than engagement. The author illustrates this through what he calls the "Drama Triangle" - a model where we cycle through roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer, none of which lead to productive outcomes. David, a marketing director, was constantly overwhelmed by his team's requests. Team members would stop by his office throughout the day with questions and challenges, and David prided himself on having answers for everything. He'd interrupt his own work to solve their problems, often taking on tasks himself when team members struggled. Despite his good intentions, his team wasn't developing, and David was burning out. When David began asking "How can I help?" instead of immediately providing solutions, everything changed. Team members had to clarify what they actually needed, often realizing they weren't sure themselves. Sometimes they just wanted validation or a sounding board rather than David taking over. Other times, articulating their request helped them realize they already knew what to do. The power of this question is twofold. First, it forces the other person to make a clear, direct request rather than an implied one. Second, it prevents you from assuming you know how best to help and jumping into Rescuer mode. The question creates space for more thoughtful engagement. Many leaders worry about asking this question because they fear unreasonable requests. Remember that you always have options in how you respond: you can say yes, say no, offer an alternative, or simply buy time to consider. The key is breaking the automatic "rescue" response that creates dependency. By making "How can I help?" a regular part of your leadership approach, you'll find yourself working less hard while having greater impact. Your team will develop more capability, you'll preserve your energy for where it's truly needed, and you'll build a culture of autonomy rather than dependency.

Chapter 6: Create Learning Moments with Powerful Questions

The most valuable moments in coaching often come not from giving advice but from helping people extract learning from their experiences. Yet many leaders miss these opportunities because they don't know how to create reflective space in conversations. The Strategic Question - "If you're saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?" - helps people make conscious choices rather than defaulting to automatic responses. In a world where "busy" has become a status symbol and everyone is overcommitted, this question cuts through the noise to create focus and intention. Michael Porter famously defined strategy as "choosing what not to do." The Strategic Question embodies this wisdom by forcing clarity about priorities and trade-offs. It works on multiple levels, first by ensuring clarity about what someone is actually committing to, and then by uncovering what must be sacrificed to make that commitment real. Consider Rachel, a high-potential leader who kept saying yes to new opportunities. When offered a cross-functional project that would increase her visibility, her instinct was to accept immediately. Her mentor asked, "If you say yes to this project, what will you be saying no to?" This simple question stopped Rachel in her tracks. She realized that saying yes meant saying no to time with her family, to a key initiative in her own department, and to the self-care practices that maintained her wellbeing. The question revealed two types of "no" - the automatic no's that happen when time and resources are finite, and the intentional no's required to create space for meaningful yes's. Rachel ultimately accepted the project but with clearer boundaries and expectations, having negotiated to delegate some of her other responsibilities. To use this question effectively, help people explore the implications of their choices across three dimensions: Projects (what work will be abandoned or postponed), People (what relationships might be affected), and Patterns (what habits or beliefs might need to change). This comprehensive approach ensures that commitments are realistic and sustainable. When you can't say no directly - which is common in many organizational cultures - learn to "say yes more slowly" by asking clarifying questions before committing. This creates space for more thoughtful decisions and helps others refine their requests. By making the Strategic Question part of your leadership approach, you'll help your team make conscious choices rather than defaulting to automatic responses. You'll create a culture where focus and impact matter more than busyness, and where strategic trade-offs are made explicitly rather than accidentally.

Chapter 7: Transform Your Leadership through Deliberate Practice

The final question in our coaching toolkit addresses perhaps the most critical aspect of development - learning. Despite our best intentions, most learning opportunities slip away because we don't take time to capture and integrate them. The Learning Question - "What was most useful for you?" - creates a moment of reflection that transforms an ordinary conversation into a growth opportunity. It's what the author calls the second "bookend" that pairs with the Kickstart Question to frame powerful coaching conversations. Neuroscience research explains why this question is so effective. Studies show that people don't truly learn when you tell them something or even when they do something. They learn when they have a chance to recall and reflect on what happened. The Learning Question triggers what academics call "double-loop learning" - moving beyond solving the immediate problem to creating insight about the process itself. James, a sales director, implemented this question at the end of his weekly team meetings. Initially, team members gave superficial answers like "the sales numbers were helpful." But as they became accustomed to the question, their responses deepened. They began identifying specific insights, connections between topics, and personal takeaways that would change their approach. These reflective moments became the most valuable part of their meetings, transforming them from information exchanges to learning experiences. The Learning Question works in at least six powerful ways. First, it frames the conversation as inherently valuable. Second, it helps people identify the "one big thing" worth remembering rather than trying to retain everything. Third, by asking what was useful "for you," it makes learning personal rather than abstract. Fourth, it provides feedback on what's working in your coaching approach. Fifth, it focuses on learning rather than judgment. And finally, it subtly reminds people of your value to them. To maximize the impact of this question, use it consistently at the end of meaningful interactions - one-on-one meetings, team discussions, project reviews, or problem-solving sessions. For even greater effect, share what you found most valuable about the conversation as well, creating a mutual exchange of insights. By building the habit of asking "What was most useful for you?" you'll transform ordinary workplace interactions into opportunities for growth and development. You'll help people extract maximum value from their experiences and build a culture where learning becomes an everyday occurrence rather than an occasional event.

Summary

The essence of effective leadership lies not in having all the answers, but in asking the right questions at the right time. Throughout this journey, we've explored seven powerful questions that can transform your leadership approach - from the Kickstart Question that begins meaningful conversations to the Learning Question that captures insights before they fade away. Each question serves as a practical tool to help you work less hard while having greater impact. As the author reminds us, "The real secret sauce here is building a habit of curiosity. The change of behavior that's going to serve you most powerfully is simply this: a little less advice, a little more curiosity." This shift may seem small, but its impact on your effectiveness as a leader, the development of your team, and your own wellbeing can be profound. Starting today, choose just one of these questions to practice consistently. Notice how it changes your conversations and relationships. Then gradually add others as each becomes a natural part of your leadership approach. The path to becoming a more coach-like leader isn't about dramatic transformation but about small, consistent changes in how you engage with others every day.

About Author

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Michael Bungay Stanier

Hi - I'm a book reader, writer and lover.I'm best known for *The Coaching Habit*, the best-selling book on coaching this century. (Close to a million copies sold!)I'm also the host of the podcast *2 Pages with MBS* where brilliant people read the best two pages of a favourite book.

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