The Courage to Be Disliked

The Courage to Be Disliked Plot Summary

Introduction

The pursuit of happiness is universal, yet many people find themselves trapped in cycles of unhappiness, unable to break free from past traumas or the fear of others' judgments. What if the key to happiness was simpler than we imagine? What if we could change our lives not by analyzing our past, but by focusing on our present choices and future goals? This revolutionary perspective forms the foundation of Adlerian psychology, a powerful but often overlooked philosophical framework that challenges our fundamental understanding of human behavior and personal freedom. Adlerian psychology offers a radical alternative to traditional Freudian approaches by rejecting determinism and embracing teleology—the idea that our actions are driven by our goals rather than our past experiences. Through this lens, we discover that problems in life stem primarily from our interpersonal relationships and the meanings we assign to events, not from the events themselves. The philosophy presents a coherent framework for understanding how we can reclaim our freedom, find our place in community, and develop the courage to live authentically, even when faced with disapproval from others.

Chapter 1: Teleology vs. Etiology: Choosing the Future Over the Past

Adlerian psychology fundamentally diverges from Freudian psychology by embracing teleology rather than etiology. While etiology focuses on past causes to explain present behaviors, teleology examines the goals or purposes behind those behaviors. This distinction represents a revolutionary shift in understanding human psychology. When we view our actions through the lens of teleology, we recognize that we are not driven by past traumas or experiences, but rather by the goals we are consciously or unconsciously pursuing in the present moment. The power of teleology lies in its liberating perspective on human behavior. Consider a person who experiences anxiety in social situations. An etiological approach might attribute this anxiety to childhood experiences of rejection or humiliation. This perspective leaves the individual somewhat powerless, trapped by their past. In contrast, a teleological view suggests that the anxiety serves a current purpose—perhaps protecting the person from potential rejection or giving them a reason to avoid challenging social encounters. By identifying this purpose, the individual gains the power to make different choices. This shift from determinism to self-determination forms the cornerstone of Adlerian psychology. When we believe our present condition is determined by our past, we surrender our agency. We become passive victims of circumstances beyond our control. However, when we recognize that we are actively choosing our behaviors to achieve specific goals, we reclaim our freedom and responsibility. Our anxiety, anger, or unhappiness is not something that happens to us; it is something we are creating to serve a purpose in our present life. The implications of this perspective are profound for personal growth. If our problems stem not from what happened to us but from what we are choosing to do with our circumstances, then change becomes possible at any moment. The narrative "I can't be happy because of my past" transforms into "I am choosing behaviors that serve my current goals, and I can choose differently." This is why Adlerian psychology maintains that people can change at any time, regardless of their history or circumstances. The past exists only in our interpretations, and those interpretations can be revised whenever we choose. A powerful example of teleology in action is the case of someone who claims they cannot succeed because of their disadvantaged background. While traditional psychology might validate this narrative by exploring how past hardships created present limitations, Adlerian psychology suggests a different interpretation: the person may be using their background as a convenient excuse to avoid the risks and responsibilities of success. Their goal is not to overcome obstacles but to justify inaction. Once this purpose is recognized, the individual can choose a new goal and take steps toward meaningful change.

Chapter 2: Separation of Tasks: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

The separation of tasks represents a crucial framework for establishing healthy interpersonal relationships. At its core, this concept distinguishes between what is your responsibility and what belongs to others. This boundary creates a foundation for authentic connection without enmeshment or codependency. Understanding which tasks belong to you and which belong to others allows you to focus your energy effectively while respecting others' autonomy. In practical terms, the separation of tasks operates on a simple principle: you are responsible for your own actions, feelings, and choices, while others are responsible for theirs. For example, in a parent-child relationship, the parent's task is to provide guidance and support, but the child's academic performance is ultimately the child's task. A parent who takes over the child's homework is actually intruding on the child's tasks, potentially undermining the child's development of responsibility and self-efficacy. This principle extends to all relationships. In romantic partnerships, your happiness is your task, not your partner's. You cannot make someone else happy, nor can they make you happy—each person must take responsibility for their own emotional well-being. Similarly, in professional settings, you are responsible for your work performance, but how your colleagues respond to your ideas is their task. This clarity prevents the frustration that comes from trying to control uncontrollable outcomes. The process of separating tasks requires careful discernment. A useful question to ask is: "Who will ultimately experience the outcome of this decision?" If your friend chooses a career you believe is wrong for them, the consequences of that choice will primarily affect them, not you. Their career choice is therefore their task, not yours. Your task is to decide how to respond to their choice—with support, neutrality, or distance—but not to take responsibility for their decision itself. Consider the case of someone whose friend is struggling with addiction. In this situation, the separation of tasks clarifies that while you can offer support, resources, and compassion, you cannot force recovery—that remains your friend's task. Many people exhaust themselves trying to save others, only to discover they've neglected their own well-being in the process. The separation of tasks isn't about indifference; it's about recognizing the limits of our influence and respecting others' journey, even when that journey involves struggle. The freedom that comes from properly separating tasks is transformative. When you stop carrying responsibilities that aren't yours, you experience a profound lightening of your psychological burden. Relationships become simpler and more genuine when you're not constantly worried about controlling others' choices or reactions. The separation of tasks doesn't create distance—rather, it creates the healthy space needed for authentic connection to flourish.

Chapter 3: Courage to Be Disliked: Abandoning Recognition Seeking

The courage to be disliked represents perhaps the most challenging yet liberating aspect of Adlerian psychology. This concept addresses our fundamental fear of rejection and offers a pathway to genuine freedom. When we constantly seek approval from others, we surrender our autonomy and live according to external standards rather than our own values. The courage to be disliked is the willingness to follow our own convictions even when faced with disapproval from others. This courage isn't about deliberately antagonizing people or ignoring social norms. Rather, it's about recognizing that it's impossible to live authentically while simultaneously trying to please everyone. In any meaningful life, some people will inevitably disagree with or dislike your choices. The pursuit of universal approval is not only exhausting but fundamentally impossible. When we accept this reality, we can stop living in fear of judgment and start living according to our own truth. The core insight here is that freedom and the fear of being disliked cannot coexist. Every time we alter our behavior to gain approval, we place the control of our lives in others' hands. This creates a perpetual state of anxiety as we monitor others' reactions and adjust ourselves accordingly. True freedom comes when we recognize that others' opinions of us are their task, not ours. Whether someone likes or dislikes you is their subjective judgment, based on their values and experiences—it's not something you can or should try to control. In practice, developing this courage requires distinguishing between recognition and contribution. Many people confuse these concepts, believing they need recognition from others to validate their worth. However, Adlerian psychology proposes that a sense of worth comes not from being recognized but from contributing to others. When your focus shifts from "What will they think of me?" to "How can I contribute?" you become less concerned with approval and more engaged with meaningful action. Consider the example of someone who holds an unpopular but principled position on an important issue. Taking this stand may invite criticism or even ridicule, but it also demonstrates integrity and courage. Historical figures who advanced civil rights, scientific understanding, or artistic expression often faced significant disapproval in their time. Their willingness to be disliked—to prioritize truth or justice over popularity—is precisely what enabled them to make meaningful contributions to society. The paradox of the courage to be disliked is that when you stop desperately seeking approval, your relationships often improve. People are naturally drawn to authenticity and repelled by neediness. When you interact with others from a place of self-respect rather than approval-seeking, you create the conditions for genuine connection based on mutual respect rather than dependence or manipulation. This courage ultimately leads not to isolation but to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Chapter 4: Community Feeling: Finding Your Place in the World

Community feeling represents the cornerstone of Adlerian psychology's vision for human fulfillment. This concept encompasses more than simple social connection—it refers to a profound sense of belonging to the human community and finding one's place within the broader whole. Community feeling involves recognizing our interconnectedness with others and developing a sense of contribution to the welfare of the community. It is through this feeling that we find meaning and purpose in our lives. The development of community feeling begins with the recognition that we are fundamentally social beings. While individualism emphasizes personal achievement and independence, Adlerian psychology suggests that true happiness comes from acknowledging our interdependence. No person exists in isolation—we are all part of various communities, from our families and workplaces to our societies and the global human community. Our sense of worth and meaning emerges primarily through our connections with others and our contributions to these communities. Community feeling operates on three essential levels: self-acceptance, trust in others, and contribution. Self-acceptance means recognizing your inherent worth regardless of achievements or failures. Trust in others involves approaching relationships with an assumption of goodwill rather than suspicion. Contribution refers to the active engagement in enhancing the welfare of the community. These three elements work together to create a sense of belonging that addresses our deepest psychological needs. The absence of community feeling manifests in various psychological difficulties. When people feel disconnected from community, they often experience isolation, meaninglessness, and various forms of neurosis. Many contemporary problems—from addiction to depression to extreme individualism—can be understood as symptoms of insufficient community feeling. By contrast, those with a well-developed sense of community feeling tend to experience greater resilience, meaning, and overall life satisfaction. A powerful example of community feeling in action can be seen in volunteer organizations where people come together for a common purpose. Participants often report a profound sense of fulfillment that transcends the specific tasks they perform. What they're experiencing is the satisfaction of contributing to something larger than themselves—of finding their place within a community and making a meaningful difference. This experience contrasts sharply with the emptiness many people feel despite material success when their achievements lack connection to community. Developing community feeling requires moving beyond narrow self-interest without sacrificing one's individuality. It involves finding the balance between autonomy and connection, recognizing that we are both separate beings with our own paths and integral parts of a larger whole. When we develop this sense of belonging and contribution, we discover that our individual happiness and the welfare of the community are not opposing forces but complementary aspects of a fulfilled life.

Chapter 5: Living in the Present: The Series of Moments Philosophy

Living in the present forms a vital component of Adlerian psychology's approach to a meaningful life. This philosophy reframes our understanding of time, challenging the common perception of life as a linear progression from past to future. Instead, Adler proposes that life is best understood as a series of moments—disconnected dots rather than a continuous line. Each moment represents a complete opportunity for choice and meaning, independent of what came before or what might come after. This perspective directly challenges deterministic thinking that views the present as merely a product of past causes. When we see life as a series of moments, we recognize that the past exists only in our interpretations, and the future exists only in our imaginations. The only reality we can access and influence is the present moment. This insight liberates us from both regret about the past and anxiety about the future, focusing our attention instead on the choices available to us right now. The series of moments philosophy distinguishes between what Adler calls "kinetic" and "energeial" living. Kinetic living treats the present as merely a means to future ends—a transitional stage on the way to some distant goal. In this mode, we postpone life, telling ourselves we'll be happy when we achieve certain milestones. Energeial living, by contrast, finds fulfillment in the process itself. Like a dancer who finds joy in the dance rather than rushing to reach the end of the performance, energeial living embraces each moment as complete in itself. This approach transforms our relationship with goals and achievements. Rather than defining success as reaching specific destinations, we recognize that what matters is how we engage with each step of the journey. A mountain climber who focuses solely on reaching the summit misses the beauty and challenge of the ascent. Similarly, a person who defers happiness until retirement misses countless opportunities for meaning along the way. The series of moments philosophy suggests that a life well-lived consists not of major achievements but of moments fully experienced. Consider the example of a mother playing with her child. If she approaches this interaction as merely another task to complete before moving on to "more important" things, she misses the opportunity for joy and connection in that moment. If instead she immerses herself fully in the interaction—attuned to her child's expressions, engaged in the play—she experiences the richness of life that exists only in the present. This quality of attention and engagement characterizes living in the moment. The paradox of the series of moments philosophy is that when we stop treating life as a means to future ends, we often achieve more meaningful results. By focusing our attention on doing whatever is before us with full engagement—whether it's studying, working, or relating to others—we naturally move toward fulfillment. The person who studies for the love of learning rather than fixating on exam results typically performs better and retains more knowledge. Living fully in each moment doesn't mean abandoning goals; it means finding the value in the process of pursuing them.

Chapter 6: Contribution to Others: The Path to Self-Worth and Happiness

Contribution to others stands as the culminating principle in Adlerian psychology, representing both the method and the goal of a fulfilling life. This concept redefines our understanding of happiness and self-worth, suggesting that these experiences emerge not from what we receive but from what we give. According to Adler, the feeling that "I am of use to someone" provides the only sustainable foundation for a sense of personal value and meaning. This principle offers a revolutionary perspective on self-worth. Rather than deriving value from achievements, possessions, or recognition, Adlerian psychology proposes that our worth comes from our contributions to others. This shift transforms the fundamental question from "Am I good enough?" to "How can I be useful?" The former question leads to endless comparison and insecurity, while the latter directs us toward meaningful action and connection. In this view, even people with limited abilities or resources can experience a profound sense of worth through their contributions. Contribution operates on both the "level of acts" and the "level of being." The level of acts refers to tangible services or assistance we provide—such as our work, volunteering, or helping family members. The level of being refers to the value we bring simply through our presence and authentic engagement with others. This distinction is crucial because it means that everyone, regardless of capability, can contribute meaningfully. Even someone confined to bed due to illness contributes through their presence to those who care about them. The focus on contribution resolves many psychological conflicts. When we orient ourselves toward what we can give rather than what we can get, competitive dynamics diminish. The success of others becomes something to celebrate rather than envy, as it represents an expansion of community resources rather than a threat to our position. Similarly, the fear of judgment recedes as we focus more on the value we provide than on others' opinions of us. This orientation naturally leads to greater cooperation and less conflict in relationships. A powerful example of this principle appears in retirement transitions. Many people who defined their worth through professional achievements experience crisis when they retire. However, those who find new ways to contribute—through mentoring, volunteering, supporting family, or pursuing creative endeavors that benefit others—often report greater satisfaction in retirement than during their careers. Their sense of worth remains stable because it's grounded in contribution rather than status or income. The connection between contribution and happiness reveals a profound truth: happiness is not a direct goal but a byproduct of living for something beyond oneself. When we pursue happiness directly, it often eludes us, but when we focus on contributing to others, happiness naturally emerges. This isn't a call for self-sacrifice—indeed, Adler explicitly warns against this—but rather a recognition that our well-being is inextricably linked to our connections with and contributions to the community. By orienting our lives around what we can give rather than what we can get, we discover both meaning and joy.

Summary

The essence of Adlerian psychology can be distilled into one powerful insight: we are not determined by our past experiences but by the meanings we give them and the goals we pursue. Through separating tasks, developing the courage to be disliked, cultivating community feeling, embracing the present moment, and contributing to others, we can transform our approach to life and relationships. This framework provides not just theoretical understanding but practical tools for navigating our complex social existence. The philosophy pioneered by Alfred Adler offers a remarkable alternative to both deterministic psychology and radical individualism. By recognizing our freedom to choose while acknowledging our fundamental need for community, it charts a balanced path toward authentic living. In a world increasingly characterized by isolation, anxiety, and search for meaning, these principles provide timeless wisdom for creating lives of purpose, connection, and genuine happiness. The courage to change, to accept ourselves, to live in the present, and to contribute to others represents not just psychological health but the fulfillment of our deepest human potential.

About Author

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Ichiro Kishimi

Ichiro KISHIMI Philosopher, Adlerian psychologist and translator of English and German languages. Born in 1956.M.A.in philosophy from Kyoto University. Director of the Japanese Society of Adlerian psychology. Former counselor at Maeda Clinic in Kyoto and has taught philosophy and ancient Greek at various institutions such as Kyoto University of Education and Nara Women's University. He presently teaches educational psychology and clinical psychology at Meiji School of Oriental Medicine in Suita, Osaka. Kishimi now has his own private counseling office in Kameoka, Kyoto, and devotes his time to giving lectures on Adlerian Psychology and child education.

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