The Explosive Child

The Explosive Child Plot Summary

Introduction

When we encounter a child with challenging behaviors, our first instinct is often to wonder what's wrong with them. We might assume they're being manipulative, seeking attention, or simply refusing to follow rules. But what if we've been looking at the problem all wrong? What if these children aren't choosing to be difficult, but rather lacking crucial skills to handle life's demands? The key insight that transforms our approach to challenging behavior is beautifully simple yet profound: kids do well if they can. If a child could respond to problems and frustrations adaptively, they would. This perspective shift fundamentally changes everything – how we view the child, how we interpret their actions, and most importantly, how we help them. Instead of focusing on motivating better behavior through rewards and punishments, we need to identify the lagging skills and unsolved problems that trigger challenging episodes, then work collaboratively with children to solve those problems. This proactive, compassionate approach not only reduces difficult behaviors but helps children develop the very skills they've been missing all along.

Chapter 1: Understanding Your Child's Challenging Behavior

Children with challenging behaviors often experience the world differently than their peers. The conventional wisdom suggests that these children are manipulative, attention-seeking, stubborn, willful, or unmotivated. Parents are frequently told they need to be more consistent, provide clearer consequences, or establish firmer boundaries. But this understanding misses a crucial truth: these children aren't choosing to be difficult – they're lacking essential skills. Consider Jennifer, an eleven-year-old girl who appeared to have an explosive personality from infancy. One Saturday morning, she meticulously counted the frozen waffles, planning to have three today and three tomorrow. When her younger brother Riley wanted waffles too, Jennifer erupted into a rage, screaming that she had planned those waffles for herself. Despite her mother Debbie's attempts to reason with her, Jennifer pushed her mother aside, grabbed the waffle container, and stalked off to her room. This wasn't an isolated incident; Jennifer's family had endured hundreds of similar episodes throughout her life. "It is very humiliating to be scared of your own daughter," Debbie confided. "People who don't have a child like Jennifer don't have a clue about what it's like to live like this." Jennifer had received multiple diagnoses over the years – oppositional-defiant disorder, bipolar disorder, intermittent explosive disorder – but none of these labels truly helped her parents understand why she acted the way she did or when outbursts would occur. The key to understanding children like Jennifer lies in recognizing that they're compromised in crucial skills: flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance, emotion regulation, and problem-solving. When there are expectations they're having difficulty meeting, that's when challenging behaviors emerge. Jennifer wasn't exploding over waffles because she was manipulative or attention-seeking; she was exploding because she lacked the skills to handle a change in her anticipated breakfast plans. To help these children, we must first identify which specific skills they're lacking and which expectations they're struggling to meet. This approach requires shifting from asking "Why won't my child behave?" to "What's getting in my child's way?" Once we understand the specific lagging skills and unsolved problems, we can work collaboratively with our child to solve those problems and build the missing skills simultaneously. The most transformative realization for parents is that kids do well if they can. If Jennifer could respond adaptively to the waffle situation, she would. This fundamental shift in perspective opens the door to a completely different way of helping these children – one based on problem-solving rather than behavior modification.

Chapter 2: Identifying Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems

Identifying your child's specific lagging skills and unsolved problems requires a systematic approach that goes beyond observing behavior. The Assessment of Lagging Skills & Unsolved Problems (ALSUP) provides a comprehensive framework for pinpointing exactly what's getting in your child's way and when difficulties typically arise. When Debbie and Kevin sat down together to complete the ALSUP for Jennifer, they were initially overwhelmed by how many lagging skills they identified. Jennifer struggled with transitions, regulating emotions, considering a range of solutions to problems, and shifting from her original idea when things didn't go as planned. She had significant difficulty with black-and-white thinking and couldn't handle unpredictability or changes in routine. The assessment also revealed specific expectations Jennifer couldn't reliably meet: eating dinner with the family, turning off videos when it was time for church, agreeing with Riley on TV shows, completing certain homework assignments, and being in bed with lights out by 9 pm. "She has a lot of unsolved problems," Kevin observed soberly as they worked through the assessment. "And all this time, we could have been busy solving them!" Debbie realized. "But that's not what we've been doing! We've been getting her diagnosed, and giving her stickers, and punishing her, and yelling at her. We've been spinning our wheels!" This moment of clarity was transformative for Jennifer's parents. Rather than seeing their daughter as willfully defiant, they recognized that she lacked specific skills that most people take for granted. The assessment helped them understand why Jennifer responded so poorly to problems and frustrations, and it provided a roadmap for addressing those difficulties. When identifying unsolved problems, it's crucial to word them precisely and focus on the expectation rather than the behavior. Instead of saying "Gets upset and kicks brother when having difficulty sharing toys," you would write "Difficulty sharing toys with brother in the playroom." This wording leaves out the concerning behavior entirely and focuses on the expectation Jennifer is struggling to meet. It's equally important to avoid including adult theories about why the child is struggling. The minute you're inclined to write the word "because" in an unsolved problem, stop writing. Adult theories about what's causing difficulties are often incorrect and can make it harder for the child to tell you what's actually getting in their way. Once you've identified your child's lagging skills and unsolved problems, the next step is prioritizing. You can't solve every problem at once, so focus on safety issues first, then problems that occur frequently or have the greatest negative impact. Choose your top three priorities to work on initially and place the rest on the back burner temporarily. This systematic approach provides parents with new information and insights that diagnoses and behavior charts never could. By understanding the specific cognitive skills your child lacks and the precise expectations they're struggling to meet, you can begin addressing the root causes of challenging behavior rather than just reacting to symptoms.

Chapter 3: Collaborative Problem Solving with Plan B

Collaborative Problem Solving represents a fundamental shift in how we address challenging behavior. Rather than imposing adult solutions (Plan A) or dropping expectations entirely (Plan C), Plan B involves working with your child to solve problems together. This approach not only addresses specific unsolved problems but also builds the very skills your child is lacking. Plan B consists of three essential steps: the Empathy step, the Define Adult Concerns step, and the Invitation step. During the Empathy step, you gather information from your child to understand what's making it difficult for them to meet a particular expectation. In the Define Adult Concerns step, you share your own perspective on why the expectation matters. Finally, in the Invitation step, you and your child work together to find a solution that addresses both sets of concerns. When Debbie first attempted Plan B with Jennifer regarding the TV conflict with Riley, she approached it carefully. "I was hoping we could talk about the difficulty you and Riley have when you're watching TV together," she began. Jennifer immediately proposed a solution: "He should just let me watch what I want. I'm the older sister." Though tempted to jump ahead, Debbie stuck with reflective listening: "So, you're the older sister and you feel you should be able to watch what you want." The conversation ended abruptly when Jennifer left the room, but this brief exchange represented progress – Jennifer had engaged without screaming. Later that day, Jennifer surprised Debbie by revisiting the discussion: "I think we should have a schedule," she announced. She proposed that Riley could have a certain hour every day to watch SportsCenter, and she could have an hour for her shows. Even more surprisingly, Jennifer later came up with an alternative solution: "I could record my shows, just in case he wanted to watch sometimes while my shows are on." Debbie was astonished – Jennifer had not only revisited the discussion voluntarily but had generated multiple solutions! The key to successful Plan B is being proactive rather than reactive. Don't wait until your child is already upset to solve problems – identify and address them ahead of time. When drilling for information in the Empathy step, use reflective listening and clarifying questions: "You're saying it's too hard... what part is too hard?" Keep asking questions until you truly understand what's making it difficult for your child to meet the expectation. Remember that Plan B isn't a technique; it's a way of life. Like any new skill, it takes practice and patience. You'll likely encounter challenges – your child might respond with "I don't know" or become defensive at first. When this happens, reassure them that you're not telling them what to do or getting angry – you're genuinely trying to understand their perspective. Over time, as your child experiences the benefits of being heard and having their concerns addressed, they'll become more comfortable with the process. The beauty of Plan B is that it simultaneously solves specific problems and builds crucial skills like flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem-solving. By working collaboratively with your child, you're not just addressing immediate challenges – you're helping them develop the skills they need for long-term success.

Chapter 4: Moving Beyond Consequences to Solutions

Traditional approaches to challenging behavior rely heavily on consequences – rewards for good behavior and punishments for bad behavior. This approach assumes that children misbehave because they're seeking attention, trying to get their way, or simply haven't been motivated properly. If rewards and punishments aren't working, the conventional wisdom suggests applying them more consistently or intensifying them. For Debbie and Kevin, this approach had proven disastrous with Jennifer. When they would give her a directive like "Jennifer, it's time to turn off the TV and come in for dinner," and she wouldn't budge, they would repeat the directive and remind her of rewards for compliance and consequences for disobedience. This would trigger Jennifer's frustration, leading to screaming, throwing things, and physical aggression. The parents would try to enforce time-out, leading to restraint attempts and even more extreme behaviors. After hours of chaos, Jennifer would finally calm down and often feel remorseful – but nothing improved over time. "We have to set an example for all of our students," a school administrator might argue. "Even if suspension doesn't help Frankie, at least it sets an example for our other students." But this thinking misses a crucial point: What message do we give students when we continue applying interventions that clearly aren't helping? What message do we give Frankie? The reality is that most challenging kids have already endured more consequences than their well-behaved peers will experience in a lifetime. If consequences were going to work, they would have worked by now. The alternative approach focuses on solving problems rather than modifying behavior. There are three options for handling unsolved problems: Plan A (solving the problem unilaterally through adult imposition), Plan B (solving the problem collaboratively), and Plan C (setting aside the expectation temporarily). Most traditional approaches rely heavily on Plan A, but for kids with lagging skills, this approach typically induces frustration and triggers challenging behavior. Consider Sandra and her thirteen-year-old son Frankie, who had been suspended from school for swearing at a teacher. Years of detentions, suspensions, and sticker charts had only made Frankie more alienated and aggressive. "It's a freaking special education program!" Sandra vented to Debbie. "They're supposed to be able to handle him! What are they sending him home for?" Like many parents, Sandra felt trapped in a cycle of consequences that solved nothing. The path forward requires recognizing that your child's concerning behaviors aren't about motivation or manipulation – they're about lagging skills and unsolved problems. This means shifting from rewarding and punishing to collaborative problem-solving. It means prioritizing which problems to solve first rather than trying to address everything at once. And it means recognizing that some expectations may need to be temporarily set aside (Plan C) until higher-priority problems are resolved. This approach doesn't mean abandoning expectations or "giving in" to your child. Rather, it means addressing expectations in a way that acknowledges your child's legitimate struggles and includes them in the solution-finding process. When problems are solved collaboratively, the concerning behaviors naturally diminish because the situations that were triggering them have been addressed.

Chapter 5: Building Better Communication at Home and School

Improving communication is essential for successful problem-solving with challenging children, both at home and at school. Many communication patterns can undermine progress, including speculation about motives, overgeneralization, perfectionism, sarcasm, put-downs, and lecturing. These patterns create barriers rather than bridges to understanding. When Ms. Brennan, a social worker at the inpatient unit where Frankie had been admitted, met with Sandra, she offered a different approach. "I think one thing is obvious," Ms. Brennan said. "We really need to help you and Frankie start talking to each other, but in a way that doesn't cause you to get hit." Rather than lecturing Sandra or blaming her for Frankie's behavior, Ms. Brennan focused on solving the communication problem. In their first family session, Frankie expressed why he found it difficult to talk with his mother: "She's like... she gets too flipped out about everything. She doesn't listen. She just kinda barges in my room and goes totally ape on me. It's not talking... it's just, like, she's crazed." This honest feedback, though painful for Sandra to hear, provided crucial information about the communication barriers between mother and son. The same collaborative approach can transform communication at school. When a teacher named Mr. Bartlett needed to help two students, Hank and Laura, resolve a conflict about working together on a project, he used Plan B as a facilitator. Rather than imposing a solution or taking sides, he helped each student express their concerns and work toward a mutually satisfactory solution. "I'm thinking that if I sit in on your discussions, I might be able to help you guys have a more equal exchange of ideas," he suggested, addressing Laura's concern that Hank wouldn't listen to her ideas. Plan B can also be applied to whole-classroom problem-solving. By facilitating group discussions about issues affecting the entire community, teachers can help students learn to listen to each other's concerns and work toward solutions that address everyone's needs. This approach not only resolves specific problems but teaches valuable communication and problem-solving skills. Parent-teacher collaboration is equally important. When Rickey's teacher met with his mother about homework struggles, she took time to understand the specific difficulties: slow writing, trouble generating details, and spelling challenges. Rather than blaming the mother or assuming she knew best, the teacher acknowledged: "I've only had Rickey in my class for about four weeks now, so I can't say I have a perfect handle on his difficulties or what we should do about them." She proposed including Rickey in the next discussion because "even if you and I come up with brilliant solutions, they won't be so brilliant if he's not on board with them." Effective communication requires shifting from assumptions to curiosity, from blame to problem-solving, and from monologue to dialogue. Whether at home or at school, the goal is to create an environment where concerns can be expressed without judgment and problems can be solved collaboratively. This approach not only resolves specific challenges but builds relationships and develops crucial skills that benefit everyone involved.

Chapter 6: Practicing Patience Through the Process

Implementing Collaborative Problem Solving requires patience, persistence, and realistic expectations. Change doesn't happen overnight, and progress often looks different than you might initially imagine. The journey involves moments of breakthrough and setback, requiring a steady commitment to the process rather than quick results. When Sandra visited Frankie in the hospital after he had hit her and run away, she was skeptical about yet another treatment approach. "I'm not getting my hopes up," she told Debbie. "We've been through this before. We'll probably be right back at square one when he gets out." Yet even in her skepticism, Sandra noticed small changes. When Frankie returned home, "the door to his room isn't closed all the time. And he participated in a Plan B conversation yesterday right here in our apartment—about playing his music too loud—with Matt helping out." These small wins represent meaningful progress, even if they don't immediately transform all aspects of life with a challenging child. Debbie similarly noted incremental changes with Jennifer: "She's talking. More with me than with Kevin, though he's trying hard... She's letting me tuck her in to bed at night again. She even let me hug her the other day without getting all pissed off about it." Minutes later, Jennifer screamed at Debbie for rearranging something in her room – a reminder that progress is rarely linear. Practicing patience includes adjusting expectations about what "better" looks like. As one father wrote after implementing the approach for twenty months: "Today she is a well-balanced student athlete with a great circle of friends. She demonstrates patience and good communication skills. Twenty months ago, she was certainly a behaviorally challenging child. We were quite certain that the only path to resolution was inpatient treatment." The transformation didn't happen immediately, but the incremental progress eventually led to profound change. Patience also means being kind to yourself throughout the process. Parents of challenging children often feel exhausted, bitter, or helpless – feelings that are natural responses to chronic stress. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish; it's necessary for sustaining the energy and composure needed for collaborative problem-solving. Find or create a support system, seek professional help if needed, and celebrate small victories along the way. Remember that collaborative problem-solving isn't just changing your child – it's changing your relationship with your child. When Debbie realized she had "been so caught up in who she isn't that I've been blowing right past who she is," she made a conscious decision to reconnect with Jennifer. "I've let that get in the way of the most important parts of being her mother. And I don't want it to be that way anymore." The most profound insight came from Sandra's reflection on what "normal" might look like: "I know it sounds corny, but I'm just concentrating on doing what I can to make tomorrow slightly better than today for me and my kid. That's what I've always done." This humble commitment to incremental improvement – making things "slightly better" each day – represents the essence of practicing patience through the process. The path isn't perfect, but as Debbie noted, "it's a lot easier when your kid is your partner instead of your enemy."

Summary

The central message throughout this journey is both simple and revolutionary: kids do well if they can. When a child exhibits challenging behavior, it's not because they're manipulative, attention-seeking, or unmotivated – it's because they lack crucial skills to handle certain expectations. By identifying specific lagging skills and unsolved problems, then collaboratively working to solve those problems, we not only reduce challenging behavior but help children develop the very skills they've been missing. The transformation begins with a shift in perspective. As one father wrote after implementing this approach: "I consider this the greatest accomplishment of my life." He had moved from seeing his daughter as oppositional and defiant to recognizing her as a partner in problem-solving. This shift doesn't just change the child – it changes the entire family dynamic. The path forward isn't about perfect parenting or perfect behavior, but about making tomorrow slightly better than today through collaborative problem-solving. Your first step? Choose one unsolved problem from your priority list and schedule a time to discuss it with your child using Plan B. Remember, kids do well if they can – and so do parents.

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Ross W. Greene

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