The Five Core Conversations for Couples

The Five Core Conversations for Couples Plot Summary

Introduction

It was midnight when David finally walked through the door, his shoulders weary from another day of divorce consultations. Julie sat at the kitchen counter, still in her therapist mode, jotting notes about her last client session. Their eyes met in that knowing way that comes with thirty years of marriage, a silent acknowledgment that both had spent their day helping others navigate the stormy waters of relationships. "You know," David said with a wry smile, "between the two of us, we've seen every way a marriage can crack. Yours truly guiding people out, and you trying to steer them back in." Julie laughed, setting down her pen. "And somehow, we're still standing." Their unique perspective—a marriage and family therapist married to a divorce attorney—offers a rare glimpse into the mechanics of lasting relationships. Through their professional lenses and personal experiences raising four daughters (two biological, two adopted), they've witnessed firsthand the challenges that can either strengthen or destroy a partnership. The authors don't pretend to have a perfect marriage; instead, they share their arguments about money, parenting struggles, and the everyday frustrations that all couples face. What makes their insights valuable is their willingness to examine these challenges with honesty, humor, and practical wisdom. Their conversations reveal the essential building blocks that help relationships weather inevitable storms: communication that works even when it's difficult, financial harmony even through struggles, balanced parenting even in crisis, meaningful intimacy beyond the bedroom, and maintaining individual identity while growing together.

Chapter 1: Building the Foundation: The First Core of Connection

The trainer at the gym introduced them to a new member with a telling remark: "These are the Bulitts. Listen to Julie so you don't need to talk to David." Later in the car, Julie asked her husband if the trainer was right. This small interaction reveals a fundamental truth about their relationship—they each bring different strengths to their partnership, and they've learned to appreciate those differences rather than fight against them. Julie often sees clients who struggle with maintaining connection in their relationships. One couple, Sarah and Ron, came to her office looking stressed and disconnected. Married for seven years with two small children, Sarah felt overwhelmed by work and parenting responsibilities. "By the time I get the kids at five, we aren't home until close to six, and then it's a rush to get dinner made, baths done, laundry moving. I can't enjoy being a mom because I am so hurried all the time," she confided. When Julie asked when they last spent time together without the children, Sarah stared blankly before realizing it had been over a year. Julie suggested a simple but powerful solution: she told them to go to the candy store. She explained how as a child, her mother would take her to a clothing store called the Acorn Shop, and the owner would give her fifty cents to spend at the nearby candy shop. With that money, she could happily occupy herself for an hour while her mother shopped. "This is the kind of time you two want to spend together," Julie told Sarah and Ron. "Not every day, obviously, but with some regularity. Give yourself something to look forward to, and then focus on each other." When the couple returned weeks later, the transformation was visible. They held hands, sat closer together, and seemed more at ease. They had arranged for a babysitter and gone for wine and appetizers at a nearby restaurant on a weeknight—"something that never happens," according to Sarah. It wasn't elaborate, just a few hours of uninterrupted conversation without phones or distractions. "It was lovely," Sarah said, while Ron gave an enthusiastic thumbs up. The authors emphasize that relationship connections need regular maintenance, just like a car needs oil to run smoothly. Without that lubrication, engines overheat and break down. Similarly, relationships falter without ongoing attention to connection. This connection—whether through morning coffee, evening walks, shared parenting moments, or date nights—is what helps a relationship endure through challenges. When partners feel connected, they can navigate the inevitable conflicts and irritations of daily life together rather than being driven apart by them.

Chapter 2: Money Matters: Financial Challenges in Marriage

Julie loved her teal Ford Thunderbird convertible. It was a fortieth birthday present from David—a beautiful car with black leather interior trimmed in teal piping. "To borrow a line from my husband," she recalls, "I could have had sex with that car." But a couple of years later, they had to sell it. Not because they didn't love it, but because they couldn't afford to keep it. Like many couples, David and Julie went through a period of financial irresponsibility early in their marriage. With four kids, they made the mistake of living beyond their means—buying new cars before the old ones were broken in, purchasing a house they couldn't afford, accumulating clothes and furniture they didn't need. "We happily and naively took the attitude that 'it's only money,'" David explains. Eventually, reality caught up with them. Their spending habits put tremendous strain on their relationship. "We fought a lot there for a while," Julie admits. "I wasn't happy, and David was stressed and worrying all the time. His business was down, I was home taking care of four kids, and bills were piling up." To their credit, they worked together to address the problem. They went on what Julie called a "debt diet"—eliminating unnecessary purchases, reducing their car payments, tackling credit card debt, and using coupons at the grocery store. They even took family vacations at places where they could stay for nearly nothing if they sat through timeshare presentations. The financial challenges they faced represent one of what David calls the "Big Four" reasons marriages break up: sex, finances, kids, and "general misery and unhappiness, not otherwise specified." Money problems manifest in various forms—couples who don't save enough, couples who hide financial information from each other, couples who disagree about spending priorities. One client came to David's office after eighteen years of marriage, carrying an accordion file filled with his wife's spending receipts dating back a decade. Instead of communicating his concerns over the years, he had "banked his bitching"—storing up resentments until the marriage collapsed under their weight. Money conflicts often reveal deeper issues of control, communication, and values. Julie observes that financial compatibility isn't just about having similar incomes, but about having aligned approaches to saving and spending. When partners develop mutual financial goals and maintain transparency about their finances, they create a foundation for trust that extends beyond the checkbook. As they discovered through their own "debt diet," working together toward financial health can strengthen rather than weaken a relationship.

Chapter 3: Parents and Partners: Navigating Family Complexities

The ride to Hilton Head Island with their daughter Natalie is etched in David and Julie's memories—but not for pleasant reasons. They were excited to stay with Julie's sister and her family at a timeshare, a rare invitation since most friends and family had stopped including them in gatherings. Midway through the first day, while everyone was enjoying a barbecue near a creek that wound through the complex, they heard a scream followed by a splash. Their daughter Natalie had pushed another child into the creek. As the boy was helped out by his friends, they began chasing Natalie, who ran screaming at the top of her lungs. "She was laughing too, that loud obnoxious laugh," David recalls. "It sounded like a scene from The Shining but without the knife." The commotion drew everyone's attention, disrupting what should have been a relaxing family outing. Resort management came and tried to make them leave. They were allowed to stay only after promising that Natalie would not return to the common areas. This incident exemplifies the challenges they faced raising a child with behavioral problems. Unlike a physical disability that might be visible and generate sympathy, Natalie's mental health issues weren't immediately apparent. "When you met her, Natalie was fine. No issues. Every photograph looks like the rest of our kids. She seems to fit right in. No one would know anything about her mental health issues by looking at her," Julie explains. This invisibility made their struggles as parents even more isolating. The impact extended beyond social exclusion. When Natalie was hospitalized in a psychiatric facility, Julie noticed another painful difference: "How many times over the years have friends we know been sick, when someone had to go to the hospital?" she asks David. In those cases, neighbors would bring meals, offer support, and check in regularly. But when Natalie was in the psychiatric ward, there were no casseroles, no calls, no support. "If you were embarrassed, didn't want to talk about it, and you were her father, how do you think the neighbors felt?" Julie realized. The stigma surrounding mental illness created a barrier that even well-meaning friends couldn't cross. Despite these challenges, David and Julie worked to present a united front as parents. They had disagreements about Natalie's diagnosis and treatment—David often viewed her behavior as obstinate and oppositional, while Julie searched for the right mental health diagnosis and medication. But they kept these disagreements between themselves, striving to maintain consistency in their approach and avoiding the "triangulation" that can occur when children try to manipulate parents against each other. Their experience demonstrates that parenting doesn't come with a manual, especially when facing mental health challenges. What helped them endure was their ability to support each other, taking turns being what Julie calls "the escort car" when one of them became "the wide load"—overwhelmed by the situation. By balancing their roles and staying aligned in their approach, they navigated parenting challenges that might have torn a less committed relationship apart.

Chapter 4: Intimacy and Desire: The Bumping and Grinding Core

"You shouldn't withhold it," David says, referring to sex in their relationship. Julie, of course, denies withholding anything. "I just don't want to do it as much as you do," she explains. This exchange captures the classic mismatch in desire that many long-term couples face—a challenge that extends far beyond the Bulitts' bedroom. David shares the story of a client in his thirties who came to discuss divorce. The man, described as good-looking with dark hair and a scruffy beard, met his wife at an all-inclusive resort where they enjoyed a "sex-filled week together." After some long-distance dating, she moved across the country to be with him. They soon found themselves pregnant and married with a five-year-old daughter. But now, their relationship had moved from "Fantasyland" to what David calls "Celibate City." The wife felt isolated in a new town, resentful about an unplanned pregnancy, and was using sex as a weapon. In the client's blunt assessment: "If she spent as much time on my dick as she does on Facebook, I wouldn't even be here right now." Julie and David have navigated their own differences in sexual desire throughout their marriage. Julie admits there are nights when she crosses her fingers hoping not to get "the poke" from David. After a long day of client sessions, commuting, and household responsibilities, sex can feel like "another job" she doesn't have the energy to perform. David, meanwhile, believes that sexual connection is fundamental to relationship health: "If every person in every relationship went out of their way to have regular, fun, and passionate sex with their partner, the divorce rate would drop through the floor." Their solution evolved over time. Julie developed what she calls the "complimentary hand job"—a quick way to satisfy David's needs without having to fully engage when she's not in the mood. "I figured you out," she tells David. "Kind of a sexual satisfaction epiphany. I came to realize that keeping you happy doesn't really take too much effort and very little time. Two minutes, to be exact." While this might sound like a compromise that primarily benefits David, Julie sees it as a practical way to maintain intimacy without creating resentment. The authors emphasize that physical intimacy extends beyond intercourse. David mentions feeling hurt when Julie touched a neighbor's shoulder during conversation but rarely initiates that kind of casual contact with him. "We can go days when you don't touch me," he explains. "No hugs, no hand-holding, no arms around me, nothing." This conversation reveals that intimacy encompasses all forms of physical connection—from sex to simple gestures of affection—and that both partners need to recognize and respond to each other's needs, even when those needs differ. By finding creative compromises rather than allowing differences in desire to create distance, couples can maintain the physical connection that helps sustain their emotional bond.

Chapter 5: Finding Balance: Maintaining Individual Identity in Marriage

Julie loves her bathtub. It's her sanctuary, her private space where she can relax and decompress after a long day. So when David asks if he can hop in with her one evening, her answer is immediate: "Nope. Not happening. Go take a shower, run under the hose outside, don't care what. You are just not getting into this tub." David is confused by this rejection, especially given Julie's frequent emphasis on togetherness. "You have spent a lot of time over the years yapping at me about being on the same page, spending quality time together, parenting as a team, talking, and listening," he points out. "So how exactly do you reconcile those two sides of things? We're a team on the one hand, leave me alone on the other?" Julie explains that a healthy relationship isn't simply about being together constantly—it's about balancing togetherness with individual space. She reminds David of all the things they do together: taking care of their kids, going away for weekends, having weekly date nights, watching TV after work, and working out at the gym. This togetherness is important, but equally vital is having time apart. For Julie, that means quiet, peaceful moments in the bathtub where she can read a magazine, watch a home improvement show, or simply close her eyes and soak. This balance extends to their social lives as well. Both Julie and David maintain friendships outside their marriage and take occasional weekends away with their respective friends. When they first started these separate trips, Julie admits she wasn't happy about David going away. "The kids were young, and they were all needy. It was hard to do everything for two or three days on my own," she recalls. But eventually, she realized the value of these breaks for herself too. "When the kids were young, it was just, I don't know, nice," she explains. "All I had to worry about was me. I got to relax. I was off duty." These breaks allowed her to appreciate David more when they were together. "I could leave and I knew you had it covered; the girls would be fed and taken care of. No one would end up in the hospital. Not having to worry, that was a really nice piece." Their experience demonstrates that maintaining individual identity within a marriage strengthens rather than weakens the partnership. Julie compares it to driving on a highway behind an oversized vehicle with a "wide load" sign. In any relationship, there are times when one person is dealing with something that makes them more dependent on their partner—the death of a parent, a conflict at work, a medical worry, an out-of-control child. That person becomes the "wide load," needing their partner to be the "escort car," helping them navigate until they can manage on their own again. A balanced relationship allows each person to develop their interests, maintain friendships, and occasionally enjoy solitude—all while staying deeply connected to their partner. As Julie puts it, "Being apart from each other is just as important as when we spend time together." This balance creates a partnership of two whole individuals rather than two halves desperately clinging to each other for completion.

Chapter 6: Communication Strategies: From Silence to Understanding

During the course of their marriage, David and Julie discovered that some of their most significant arguments weren't about what was said, but how it was said. "Of all the arguments Julie and I have had over the years, without any reservation I can say that most of them have not been about what one of us has said but rather how we have said it. Or, more specifically, how she has said it," David explains. One incident stands out in David's memory. They were at the beach, and he was packing their cooler when Julie asked where he had put the fruit and cheese. He had placed them in a plastic bag from CVS instead of in the cooler. Julie's response was immediate and cutting: "Why wouldn't you put that in your fancy cooler? It will go bad." What bothered David wasn't the content of her question—she was right that the food would spoil in the heat—but her tone, which he described as condescending, as if she were speaking to "that cross-eyed Banjo-playing kid in the movie Deliverance." Julie defends herself, saying it's difficult to constantly monitor how she phrases things: "I understand your feelings got hurt, but really you are asking a lot of someone to have to constantly formulate the specifics of how to say something, or ask a partner to do something. Some things just come out." David acknowledges this point but suggests that partners should be aware of each other's sensitivities and avoid communication styles they know will trigger defensiveness or anger. The authors also discuss the damage caused by silence in relationships. Julie shares her experience working with a couple who had gone weeks without speaking to each other, passing by in the kitchen or bathroom without a word. This "silent treatment," which Julie sometimes uses herself when angry with David, creates disconnection rather than resolution. "If communicating leads to connection," Julie explains, "then the converse of that—not communicating—leads to the opposite result. Disconnecting." Another common communication challenge is what David calls "banking the bitching"—storing up complaints instead of addressing issues as they arise. He describes a client who was furious about his wife's spending habits but had never discussed his concerns with her during their eighteen years of marriage. Instead, he silently unpacked boxes when they moved while resenting her for not doing it herself, until one day he exploded in anger. The situation could have been avoided with simple, respectful communication about expectations and needs. Effective communication requires balancing honesty with kindness, speaking up rather than storing resentments, and understanding how your words and tone affect your partner. As Julie advises one couple: "She should tell him how she feels in a different, more positive kind of way. Something like 'There is nothing I would rather do than fool around with you but I am just exhausted. Can we plan on tomorrow? Trust me, I will have a lot more energy then.'" This approach addresses the issue without causing unnecessary hurt—a skill that takes practice but pays dividends in relationship satisfaction.

Chapter 7: Crisis Navigation: Weathering Storms Together

"You know how sometimes one of us just wants to talk through a situation or problem?" Julie asks David. She compares this process to Dorothy's journey in The Wizard of Oz, where the answer was within reach all along—just like the ruby slippers on Dorothy's feet. In relationships, sometimes the most valuable thing a partner can offer isn't advice or solutions, but simply being present while the other person works through their thoughts. Julie illustrates this with a client she had been seeing for years who came in troubled about a situation with her son. As the session progressed, the woman began identifying possible solutions without Julie having to offer direct advice. "She could have gotten to Oz whenever she wanted," Julie explains. "She didn't need to tussle with that wicked witch, or the flying monkeys." Like Dorothy, she already had the resources she needed; she just needed someone to listen while she found her way. This listening approach proved essential when Julie and David faced their own crisis with their daughter Natalie's addiction. After years of behavioral problems and mental health challenges, Natalie fell into substance abuse that took her to Florida, where she bounced between treatment programs and halfway houses. At one point, Julie and David drove to Boynton Beach to find her living in what they describe as a "crack house" with beds on the floor and two older men. "She had a pet sheep," Julie recalls, the absurdity of the situation still fresh years later. "I was sick. I knew what she was doing and I hated myself for leaving her there." But they had already spent their savings on treatment programs and wilderness therapy without success. "We did what we had to do," David reflects. "After the sheep house, I promised myself that I would never go to see her anywhere ever again until she was somewhere safe," Julie adds. The authors had to make the painful decision to set boundaries with their daughter while still letting her know they loved her. In letters Julie wrote but never sent to Natalie on her birthdays, she expressed both her love and her inability to watch her daughter's self-destruction: "Do you know what it's like to have to turn away from your child? I bet most people don't. It's awful. My beautiful daughter will be twenty tomorrow and I have told her not to call, not to text or write. I cannot have her be a part of my life." Through this devastating experience, David and Julie leaned on each other, taking turns being strong when the other felt overwhelmed. They also found ways to support their other three daughters, acknowledging in a letter that "We did not have the family life that we expected... The parties that you missed, the trips that weren't planned, the books that didn't get read before you went to sleep, that was not your fault. And no, it was not Natalie's fault. It was ours. Mom's and mine." Their story demonstrates that navigating crises requires not just problem-solving skills but also emotional resilience, clear boundaries, and the ability to remain connected as partners even when external circumstances threaten to pull you apart. By supporting each other through their darkest moments, they found strength they might not have discovered otherwise.

Summary

The Bulitts' journey through thirty-plus years of marriage reveals a profound truth: lasting relationships aren't built on perfection but on persistence. Through financial struggles, parenting crises, differing desires, and communication challenges, they discovered that connection requires constant attention—like a car needing regular oil changes or a roof needing timely repairs. Their candid conversations expose the five core elements that sustain relationships: building connection through regular quality time, establishing financial harmony through open communication, maintaining united parenting even during difficulties, nurturing physical and emotional intimacy despite differing needs, and balancing togetherness with individual identity. What ultimately kept them together wasn't just love, but gratitude—the ability to appreciate what they had even during their most challenging times. David shares a story about his grandfather who, while everyone else enjoyed steaks at a Chicago restaurant, ordered chicken due to health restrictions. Instead of complaining, his grandfather declared, "This is the best chicken in the pot I ever ate!" This attitude exemplifies the mindset that sustains relationships through inevitable challenges. As the authors reflect on their professional and personal experiences, they remind us that relationships don't come with instruction manuals, but they do require attention, communication, and the willingness to learn from both mistakes and successes. By treating our partnerships with the care they deserve and finding balance in all aspects of our shared lives, we create connections strong enough to weather any storm.

About Author

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David Bulitt

Family lawyer David Bulitt has been praised as the lawyer who “epitomizes stability and old fashioned common sense” by Bethesda Magazine and routinely makes every top Washington DC Metro lawyer list. His clients say that he is “the best non-shaving, motorcycle-riding, bourbon-drinking, non-lawyer, lawyer” they know. David has been married to Julie, a family therapist, for more than 35 years.Have you ever wondered how it is that some couples can survive and stay together through life's most difficult of challenges, while others seemingly can't get past a bad weekend? In their new book, SECRETS OF STRONG COUPLES, David and Julie Bulitt combine their knowledge and experience to help answer the relationship question that many of us ask when we see these couples whose glue continues to adhere, no matter their struggles - What do they have that we don't have? David and Julie collaborated on their first book, THE 5 CORE CONVERSATIONS FOR COUPLES, that was published in 2020. The book tackles every corner of relationships with the wisdom, knowledge, and best advice culled from David and Julie’s unique experiences not only from the therapist's couch to the lawyer's office, but from David and Julie's personal experiences. David also is the author of two novels,CARD GAME and BECAUSE I HAD TO. were published in 2015 and 2017 respectively. More about The Bulitt's can be found at www.thebulitts.comDavid and Julie can be found on the following social media sites:Facebook - @thebulittsInstagram -@thebulittsTwitter - @thebulittsYou Tube - @thebulitts

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