The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex Plot Summary

Introduction

Sarah clutched the wedding invitation in her hand, emotions swirling through her mind. Joy for her friend's upcoming marriage, of course, but also a strange mix of concern and hesitation. Over coffee last week, her soon-to-be-married friend had confided her deep anxieties about the physical side of marriage. "I'm terrified I'll disappoint him," she had whispered. "The church says it's beautiful, but all I've heard my whole life is 'don't do it' until suddenly I'm supposed to flip a switch and be passionate." Sarah wished she had better advice to offer than the awkward platitudes she'd managed to stammer out. This scenario plays out countless times in the lives of women raised in religious environments, where sexuality is often shrouded in mystery, shame, or simply silence. Sheila Wray Gregoire steps into this void with compassion and clarity, offering a path to sexual freedom that honors both faith and pleasure. She tackles the damaging messages many women have internalized - that sex is primarily for men, that female pleasure is optional, or that "good girls" shouldn't be too enthusiastic. Through comprehensive research and heartfelt stories, she reconstructs a healthier narrative where mutual pleasure, emotional connection, and spiritual intimacy converge to create truly fulfilling marital intimacy. Her approach is revolutionary yet deeply rooted in faith - sex isn't just permissible in marriage; it's a beautiful gift meant to be unwrapped with joy and celebrated without reservation.

Chapter 1: The Pleasure Principle: God's Design for Sexual Enjoyment

When Emma first got married, she brought unexpected baggage into her bedroom. Growing up in a conservative church environment, she'd absorbed the message that sex was something women endured rather than enjoyed. For three years, she went through the motions, believing her discomfort and lack of pleasure were normal. "I thought something was wrong with me," she confessed. "Everyone talked about how amazing it was, but I felt nothing. I was just waiting for it to be over." Her husband sensed her detachment but didn't know how to help. The turning point came when Emma attended a women's retreat where Gregoire was speaking. For the first time, she heard someone say that God had specifically designed women's bodies for pleasure. The speaker pointed out that the clitoris, with its thousands of nerve endings, serves no reproductive purpose—its only function is pleasure. Emma sat stunned. If God had intentionally created her with the capacity for such sensation, perhaps her pleasure mattered to Him too. That revelation transformed Emma's approach to intimacy. She began to view her body not as something shameful, but as wonderfully made. She started communicating with her husband about what felt good and what didn't. She gave herself permission to enjoy the experience rather than just accommodate it. "The first time I actually experienced an orgasm," Emma said, "I cried. Not just from the physical sensation, but from the realization that this was what God had intended all along." Gregoire emphasizes that God's design for sexual pleasure isn't accidental—it's purposeful. When we understand that female pleasure is part of divine design rather than a cultural afterthought, we can embrace sexuality without shame. This perspective shifts sex from a duty-based activity to a mutual celebration, allowing couples to develop deeper connection. The pleasure principle reminds us that enjoying our spouse physically isn't just permissible—it's part of the Creator's beautiful intention for marriage.

Chapter 2: Breaking Free from Shame: Embracing Your Sexual Self

Jennifer's hands trembled as she recounted her story to the support group. "I was taught that good Christian girls don't think about sex, don't want sex, and certainly don't enjoy sex too much once married." She explained how her mother had warned her about men's "animalistic desires" and how a wife's duty was to satisfy those needs while maintaining her own purity of heart. Even after five years of marriage, Jennifer found herself mentally disconnecting during intimate moments with her husband, feeling guilty whenever she experienced pleasure. "I catch myself enjoying it, and then immediately feel ashamed, like I'm being dirty or sinful somehow." The group facilitator gently explained that Jennifer was experiencing "sexual shame displacement" - where healthy sexual desires within marriage become contaminated by the same shame messages intended to discourage premarital sex. Jennifer hadn't been given the tools to distinguish between inappropriate sexual behavior and God-honoring marital intimacy. Her story resonated with many women in the room who nodded in recognition of their own struggles. Through counseling and supportive community, Jennifer began to challenge these deeply ingrained messages. She started journaling about positive aspects of her sexuality and intentionally replacing negative thoughts with affirming ones. When shame would surface during intimate moments, she would remind herself, "This is good. This is blessed. This is what God designed." Over time, she found herself more present during lovemaking, able to communicate her desires without embarrassment, and experiencing a newfound freedom. Gregoire identifies shame as perhaps the most pervasive barrier to healthy sexuality in marriage. Women particularly struggle with disconnecting their "good girl" identity from their sexual self. Breaking free requires recognizing these false dichotomies and embracing the truth that sexual desire, pleasure, and even passion can coexist beautifully with faith and virtue. The journey toward sexual wholeness often involves unlearning harmful messages before healthy sexuality can flourish. When we understand that our sexuality is not something separate from our spirituality but rather integrated with it, we can approach intimate moments with our spouse as celebrations of God's good creation.

Chapter 3: The Path to Orgasm: Physical Barriers and Solutions

Melissa had been married for three years and had never experienced an orgasm. Her husband Tom was loving and patient, but they both felt increasingly frustrated and inadequate. "We've tried everything in those Christian marriage books," she sighed during her first session with a sex therapist. "I feel broken. Maybe I'm just not capable of enjoying sex the way other women do." The shame in her voice was palpable - a mixture of disappointment and the feeling of having failed both herself and her husband. During their conversation, the therapist helped Melissa understand several crucial factors. First, she learned that female arousal typically follows a different pattern than male arousal - women often need to be mentally relaxed and physically aroused before desire kicks in, rather than desire necessarily leading the way. Second, she discovered that about 70% of women don't reach orgasm through intercourse alone but need direct clitoral stimulation. Third, and perhaps most importantly, she realized that focusing so intensely on "achieving" orgasm was creating performance anxiety that made pleasure impossible. The therapist recommended exercises to help Melissa become more familiar with her own body's responses without pressure. She encouraged the couple to slow down their intimate encounters, focusing on pleasure rather than performance. She also suggested they view arousal as a journey rather than a destination. Within a few months, Melissa experienced her first orgasm. "It wasn't when we were trying hardest," she laughed. "It was when we were just enjoying each other without any expectations." Gregoire demystifies female pleasure by addressing both the physical and psychological barriers that prevent women from experiencing sexual fulfillment. She emphasizes that sexual response differs widely among women, and what works for one may not work for another. The path to orgasm involves understanding your unique body, communicating clearly with your spouse, and creating an atmosphere free from pressure and expectation. When couples approach sexual intimacy with curiosity rather than pressure, and with connection rather than performance as the goal, they create the conditions where pleasure can naturally flourish.

Chapter 4: Spiritual Intimacy: Making Sex Holy and Hot

Daniel and Rebecca had been married for seven years, and while their sex life wasn't terrible, something felt missing. "It's just mechanical sometimes," Rebecca confided to a close friend. "We connect physically, but it feels disconnected from the rest of our relationship." Daniel shared similar frustrations with his men's group. "We have this amazing spiritual connection when we pray together or serve at church, but that somehow disappears in the bedroom. It's like we're compartmentalizing these parts of our lives." Their breakthrough came unexpectedly. After a particularly moving church service about vulnerability and surrender, they found themselves having a deep conversation about their fears and hopes. That evening, their lovemaking felt different - more connected, more meaningful. "It was like the walls between the spiritual and physical parts of our relationship suddenly disappeared," Daniel explained later. They began intentionally nurturing both aspects of their relationship, finding that emotional and spiritual intimacy naturally enhanced their physical connection. They started praying together before intimate encounters, not with awkward formality but with simple gratitude for each other. They learned to see their sexual relationship as a physical expression of the covenant they'd made before God. Rather than diminishing their passion, this spiritual dimension actually heightened it. "There's something incredibly freeing about being fully known - body, mind, and soul - and still being fully loved," Rebecca reflected. Gregoire challenges the false dichotomy between "holy" and "hot" that pervades much Christian thinking about sexuality. When couples understand that spiritual intimacy and sexual passion aren't opposing forces but complementary dimensions of marriage, they discover new depths of connection. Making sex both holy and hot isn't about sanitizing desire but about sanctifying it - recognizing that passionate, pleasure-filled sexual intimacy can be an expression of covenant love that reflects something of God's design. This integration allows couples to bring their whole selves to both their relationship with God and with each other, without compartmentalization or shame.

Chapter 5: Building Relational Connection: The Foundation of Great Sex

Lisa and Mark sat stiffly on opposite ends of the counselor's couch. After fifteen years of marriage and three children, their sex life had dwindled to occasional, unsatisfying encounters that left them both feeling more distant than before. "We just don't connect anymore," Lisa explained. "He wants sex, but I need conversation and affection that isn't just a prelude to sex." Mark nodded reluctantly. "And I feel rejected constantly. It seems like everything else comes before me - the kids, her job, even scrolling through social media." Their counselor helped them see how their sexual difficulties were symptoms of broader relational disconnection. They hadn't prioritized their friendship amid life's demands. The counselor assigned them a simple task: spend thirty minutes each day simply talking and reconnecting, with sex explicitly off the table for two weeks. Initially skeptical, they were surprised how quickly this practice became the highlight of their day. Mark discovered he enjoyed hearing about Lisa's thoughts and feelings without the pressure of initiating sex afterward. Lisa found herself looking forward to their conversations and even missing physical closeness. When they resumed sexual intimacy after the two-week hiatus, both noticed a significant difference. "It wasn't just mechanically better," Mark explained. "It felt meaningful again because we were connected as people first." Lisa agreed: "I felt desired as a whole person, not just a body." Gregoire consistently emphasizes that great sex flows from strong relational connection. Many couples make the mistake of trying to fix sexual problems by focusing exclusively on technique or frequency, when the real issues lie in their friendship, communication patterns, and emotional intimacy. Research confirms that women particularly need to feel emotionally safe and valued to fully engage sexually. Building this relational foundation involves regular conversation, shared activities, laughter, and physical affection without sexual pressure. When couples invest in knowing each other deeply outside the bedroom, they create the trust and connection that allows vulnerability and passion to flourish within it.

Chapter 6: Overcoming Sexual Pain and Dysfunction: Personal Stories

Ava winced as she shifted in her chair across from her gynecologist. After eighteen months of marriage, intercourse was still excruciatingly painful, and she'd begun avoiding all physical intimacy with her husband. "At first we thought it was normal for it to hurt," she explained, voice quavering. "But it never got better." Previous doctors had dismissed her concerns, suggesting she "relax more" or "have a glass of wine." Her husband was supportive but increasingly confused and hurt by her withdrawal. This doctor, however, immediately recognized vaginismus – involuntary muscle contractions making penetration painful or impossible. She explained that this condition affects many women, particularly those raised with negative messages about sexuality or who have experienced trauma. The doctor referred Ava to a pelvic floor physical therapist and a counselor specialized in sexual issues. Through targeted physical therapy exercises and emotional work addressing her fear and anxiety around sex, Ava gradually experienced improvement. "The most healing part was realizing I wasn't broken or alone," Ava reflected six months later. "Learning that my body was protecting me, not betraying me, changed everything." Her husband attended therapy sessions with her, deepening his understanding of her experience and strengthening their communication. Though their journey wasn't quick or linear, they gradually built a fulfilling intimate life together. "We actually have a better connection now than if everything had been easy from the beginning," she shared. "We've learned to really talk about difficult things." Gregoire approaches sexual dysfunction with compassion and practical wisdom, emphasizing that physical problems often have emotional and relational components. She demystifies conditions like vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, and low libido, offering both medical information and personal stories of healing. By bringing these often-silenced struggles into the open, she helps couples understand that sexual difficulties don't represent moral failure but rather opportunities for growth, deeper communication, and sometimes necessary medical intervention. The path through sexual dysfunction, while challenging, often leads couples to develop greater empathy, patience, and intimacy skills that strengthen their overall relationship.

Chapter 7: Libido Differences: Navigating the Sex Cycle Together

Rachel and Chris sat uncomfortably in their pastor's office, struggling to articulate their problem. "He wants sex all the time," Rachel finally blurted. "It feels like nothing I do is enough." Chris looked at the floor. "And I feel constantly rejected. Like she doesn't find me attractive anymore." Their differing desires had created a cycle of pressure, rejection, and resentment threatening their seven-year marriage. Each interpreted the other's behavior through a lens of personal inadequacy and intentional hurt. Their pastor suggested a book by Gregoire that helped them understand sexual desire differently. Rachel discovered she had what researchers call "responsive desire" – she rarely felt spontaneous sexual interest but could become aroused once physical intimacy began. Chris, meanwhile, had more spontaneous desire patterns. Neither approach was wrong, just different. More importantly, they learned how emotions, stress, and relationship dynamics affected their desire levels. The breakthrough came when they stopped viewing sex as a transaction and started seeing it as part of their relationship cycle. They committed to regular connection through conversation and non-sexual touch. Chris learned to approach Rachel without pressure, and Rachel committed to remaining open to the possibility of desire developing during physical closeness. They established a rhythm of intimacy that respected both their needs while acknowledging that some compromise was necessary. "The game-changer was realizing I wasn't broken for not feeling desire the way Chris does," Rachel explained. "And understanding that rejection affects him emotionally, not just physically, helped me respond with more empathy." Chris nodded. "And I've learned that creating connection throughout the day makes Rachel more responsive. It's not about techniques; it's about our whole relationship." Gregoire normalizes libido differences while providing practical tools for navigating them. She emphasizes that disparate desire levels don't indicate a lack of love but simply different physical and emotional responses. The key is understanding these differences without judgment and creating patterns that honor both partners' needs. When couples move beyond the "high desire/low desire" labels to understand the complex interplay of factors affecting sexual desire, they can break unhealthy cycles and create a sexual relationship that strengthens rather than strains their connection.

Summary

The journey toward sexual freedom in marriage requires unlearning harmful messages before rebuilding a healthier foundation. Throughout these stories, we've seen how women like Emma, Jennifer, and Melissa transformed their intimate lives by embracing three fundamental truths: that female pleasure matters to God, that sexuality and spirituality can beautifully coexist, and that true intimacy flows from genuine connection. Their stories remind us that sexual fulfillment isn't simply about technique but about integration—bringing our whole selves, without shame or compartmentalization, into our marital relationships. The path forward involves intentional choices: choosing vulnerability over performance, communication over assumption, and patience over pressure. Rather than viewing sex as obligation or negotiation, we can approach it as celebration and exploration. For many couples, this perspective shift transforms not only their sexual experience but their entire relationship. Whether navigating libido differences, overcoming dysfunction, or simply deepening connection, the principles remain consistent—honor each other's experience, prioritize mutual pleasure, and recognize that physical intimacy both reflects and reinforces your emotional and spiritual bond. When approached with grace, curiosity, and commitment, sexual freedom becomes not just possible but a natural expression of covenant love.

About Author

Loading...

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire is an award-winning author of 9 books, including the ground-breaking Great Sex Rescue, and founder of BareMarriage.com. She's passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex to something that is mutual, initimate, and pleasurable for both. She heads up a team of researchers who want to bring evidence-based, healthy advice to evangelicalism when it comes to relationships. Sheila lives in Belleville, Ontario, with her husband Keith. They are the parents of two adult daughters.

Read more