The Invisible Orientation

The Invisible Orientation Plot Summary

Introduction

In a world where sexuality is often considered a fundamental aspect of human experience, imagine discovering that you don't feel sexual attraction to anyone—not to the hottest celebrities, not to your attractive classmates, not to anyone. For approximately 1% of the population—roughly three million people in the United States alone—this isn't a hypothetical scenario but their lived reality. These individuals identify as asexual, and their experiences challenge our society's deeply ingrained assumptions about human sexuality and relationships. The Invisible Orientation explores asexuality as a legitimate sexual orientation, not as a disorder or a phase. This book provides insights into what asexuality is and isn't, addresses common myths and misconceptions, and examines how asexual individuals navigate relationships and society. Through understanding asexuality, readers will gain not only knowledge about a marginalized orientation but also a broader perspective on the diversity of human experience and the many ways people can form meaningful connections beyond sexual attraction. Whether you're questioning your own orientation, supporting someone who identifies as asexual, or simply curious to learn about human diversity, this book offers a compassionate and informative guide to a frequently misunderstood orientation.

Chapter 1: What Is Asexuality? The Basics and Definitions

Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction to others. While most people experience sexual attraction—a desire to engage in sexual activities with specific individuals—asexual people simply don't feel this particular type of attraction. It's important to understand that asexuality exists on a spectrum and manifests differently in different individuals. The common thread among asexual people is that they don't experience sexual attraction or don't experience it in the way that sexual people do. Crucially, asexuality is not the same as celibacy or abstinence, which are behavioral choices to refrain from sexual activity despite feeling sexual attraction. Asexuality is an orientation, not a choice or behavior. An asexual person might never have sex, might occasionally have sex, or might even regularly have sex for various reasons, yet still identify as asexual because they don't experience sexual attraction to others. Just as a gay man can have sex with a woman and still be gay, an asexual person can have sex and still be asexual. Asexuality is also not a medical condition, hormone imbalance, or psychological disorder. Most asexual people have typical bodies, bodily functions, and hormone production. There is no evidence that asexuality is linked to any biological disease or disorder. Rather, it's simply one of many natural variations in human sexuality, estimated to occur in about 1% of the general population based on research by Anthony Bogaert and others. For many asexual people, discovering the term "asexual" brings immense relief after years of feeling broken or different. Imagine going through life thinking you're the only person who doesn't experience sexual attraction, only to discover there's a word for your experience and a community of people who feel the same way. This revelation can be life-changing, allowing asexual individuals to understand themselves better and find acceptance among others with similar experiences. Asexuality deserves recognition as a legitimate orientation because its erasure causes real harm. When society assumes everyone experiences sexual attraction, asexual people are left feeling invisible, broken, or pressured to conform to expectations that don't match their authentic selves. Understanding and accepting asexuality benefits not just asexual people but everyone, by expanding our conception of human diversity and challenging assumptions about what constitutes a fulfilling life.

Chapter 2: Romantic Orientation vs. Sexual Attraction

One of the most enlightening contributions from asexual communities is the distinction between romantic orientation and sexual attraction. For most people, these two aspects align so perfectly that they never need to separate them. However, asexual people often experience a clear split between who they're romantically attracted to (if anyone) and the absence of sexual attraction. Romantic attraction involves desiring emotional connection, partnership, and intimacy with another person—essentially, falling in love. This can exist completely independently from sexual desire. Many asexual people experience romantic attraction and desire romantic relationships, leading them to identify with labels like heteroromantic (romantically attracted to different genders), homoromantic (romantically attracted to the same gender), biromantic, panromantic, or aromantic (experiencing little or no romantic attraction). This separation helps explain why some asexual people seek out and maintain romantic relationships despite not experiencing sexual attraction. Their relationships include emotional intimacy, companionship, commitment, and sometimes physical affection like cuddling or kissing, but without the sexual component that society often assumes is necessary. These relationships are just as real, valid, and fulfilling as relationships that include sexual attraction. Conversely, some asexual people identify as aromantic, meaning they don't experience romantic attraction either. They may form deep, meaningful connections through friendship, family relationships, or what some call "queerplatonic relationships"—partnerships that don't fit neatly into the categories of friendship or romance but involve deep commitment and intimacy. The diversity of relationship structures within the asexual community challenges the notion that romantic and sexual attraction must go hand in hand. Some asexual people fall into "gray areas" of the spectrum. For instance, demisexual people only experience sexual attraction after forming a deep emotional bond with someone, while graysexual people experience sexual attraction rarely or with low intensity. These identities further demonstrate the complexity and fluidity of human sexuality and attraction. Understanding this separation between romantic and sexual attraction benefits everyone, not just asexual people. It provides a more nuanced vocabulary for discussing relationships and attraction, and it challenges the assumption that all close relationships must follow the same trajectory or include the same elements. It reminds us that human connection comes in many forms, all of which can be meaningful and fulfilling.

Chapter 3: Myths and Misconceptions About Asexuality

One pervasive myth about asexuality is that it's just a phase or a result of not having met "the right person" yet. This dismissive attitude parallels historical treatment of other sexual orientations and fails to acknowledge asexuality as a valid, stable identity. While sexual orientation can be fluid for some people, treating asexuality as inherently temporary or misguided is disrespectful and harmful. Imagine telling a heterosexual person they're just "going through a phase" or haven't met the right same-gender partner yet—most would find this absurd and offensive. Another common misconception is that asexuality results from trauma, abuse, or some medical condition. While some people may experience decreased sexual desire due to trauma or health issues, this doesn't invalidate asexuality as an orientation. Assuming all asexual people must be "broken" or in need of fixing ignores the many asexual individuals who are perfectly healthy and content with their orientation. This pathologizing attitude contributes to unnecessary shame and medical interventions that can cause more harm than good. Many people incorrectly believe that asexual people must hate sex or judge those who have it. In reality, asexual attitudes toward sex vary widely. Some asexual people are indifferent to sex, some are repulsed by it, and some even enjoy it despite not feeling sexual attraction. Most asexual people support everyone's right to consensual sexual expression, even if they don't personally experience sexual desire. The asexual community generally promotes respect for all consensual expressions of sexuality. There's also a prevalent assumption that asexual people must be lonely, unable to form meaningful relationships, or missing out on an essential human experience. This reflects our culture's overemphasis on sexual relationships as the pinnacle of human connection. In reality, asexual people form deep, fulfilling bonds through various types of relationships, including romantic partnerships, friendships, family connections, and community involvement. Many lead rich social lives and experience profound intimacy without sexual attraction. Perhaps the most damaging myth is that asexuality doesn't exist or isn't "real." This erasure forces asexual people to constantly defend their existence and can lead to feelings of isolation and self-doubt. When someone shares their asexual identity, they're often met with invasive questions or "helpful" suggestions for fixing what isn't broken. This pattern of dismissal and attempted conversion parallels the harmful treatment that other sexual minorities have faced throughout history. Dispelling these myths matters because they cause real harm. Misconceptions about asexuality can lead to unwanted medical interventions, pressure to engage in unwanted sexual activity, and profound feelings of alienation. By recognizing these myths and countering them with accurate information, we create space for asexual people to live authentically and for everyone to develop a more nuanced understanding of human sexuality.

Chapter 4: Asexual Experiences and Identity Development

For many asexual individuals, the journey to understanding their identity begins with a sense of difference. While their peers develop crushes and become increasingly preoccupied with sexual attraction during adolescence, asexual teens often feel disconnected from these experiences. They may wonder why they don't share the same fascination with celebrities, why they find sex scenes in movies boring rather than exciting, or why they don't understand what it means to find someone "hot" in a sexual sense. This difference frequently leads to confusion and attempts to conform. Many asexual people report "faking" crushes to fit in with friends, forcing themselves into sexual or romantic situations they don't genuinely desire, or wondering if something is fundamentally wrong with them. Without the language to describe their experience or knowledge that others feel the same way, many asexual individuals internalize the message that they are broken, immature, or somehow defective. The discovery of asexuality as a concept and community typically brings profound relief. Finding a word that describes their experience helps asexual people make sense of their past feelings and interactions. As one asexual person described it, "It wasn't that I was broken—I was just working from a different manual entirely." This moment of recognition often leads to what some call an "identity cascade," where previously confusing aspects of one's life suddenly make sense in light of this new understanding. The process of accepting an asexual identity varies widely among individuals. Some embrace the label immediately, while others may question or resist it. Many worry about how their identity will affect their relationships and life prospects. Will they ever find a partner who accepts them? Can they have children if they want them? Will they always feel like outsiders in a sex-focused society? Working through these questions is an important part of identity development for many asexual people. Coming out as asexual presents unique challenges. Unlike other sexual orientations, asexuality is often met with confusion rather than outright hostility. Asexual people frequently find themselves in the position of educator, having to explain what asexuality is before they can even discuss their personal experience. They may face dismissive responses ("you just haven't met the right person"), intrusive questions about their bodies or sexual practices, or well-intentioned but harmful suggestions for "fixing" them. Despite these challenges, many asexual people report that embracing their identity brings a sense of peace and authenticity. Understanding themselves better allows them to form relationships on their own terms, communicate their needs more clearly, and connect with others who share similar experiences. The growing visibility of asexuality in media and public discourse is gradually making this path easier, giving younger asexual people models and vocabulary that previous generations lacked.

Chapter 5: Asexuality in Relationships and Society

Asexual people form diverse relationships that challenge conventional expectations about intimacy and connection. Contrary to popular belief, many asexual people do desire and maintain romantic relationships. The key difference is that these relationships aren't founded on or sustained by sexual attraction. Instead, they're built on emotional connection, shared values, mutual respect, and other forms of intimacy that don't necessarily include sex. Relationships between asexual and non-asexual (often called "allosexual") people present both challenges and opportunities. These "mixed" relationships require clear communication and sometimes creative compromise. Some asexual people are willing to have sex to please their partners or express intimacy, while others maintain boundaries around sexual activity. Some couples negotiate open relationships where the non-asexual partner can seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere. There's no one-size-fits-all solution, but with honest communication and mutual respect, these relationships can be just as successful as any other. Asexual people navigate a society that assumes sexual attraction is universal and that healthy relationships must include sex. From sexualized media content to well-meaning friends asking about their dating life, asexual individuals constantly encounter messages that erase or pathologize their experience. This social pressure can lead to feelings of isolation and self-doubt, particularly for those who haven't yet discovered asexuality as a concept. Discrimination against asexual people, while different from the discrimination faced by other sexual minorities, is real and harmful. Asexual individuals may be subjected to "corrective" sexual advances or even sexual assault by those who believe they can "fix" them. They may be denied medical care or mental health support if practitioners dismiss their orientation as a symptom to be treated. They may face workplace discrimination or housing issues if their orientation becomes known and is misunderstood as "weird" or "abnormal." Particularly challenging is the intersection of asexuality with other aspects of identity. Asexual people of color, for instance, may face both the hypersexualization of certain racial groups and the erasure of their asexual identity. Asexual people with disabilities often battle assumptions that their asexuality is a result of their disability rather than a valid orientation. Transgender asexual people may have their gender identity questioned based on their lack of sexual attraction, as if being trans must be linked to sexuality. The growing visibility of asexual communities is gradually changing these dynamics. Online forums, meetup groups, and advocacy organizations provide spaces where asexual people can find community and validation. Educational efforts are slowly increasing public awareness and understanding. As more people recognize asexuality as a valid orientation, social attitudes are beginning to shift toward greater acceptance and inclusion, creating space for asexual people to live authentically without constant pressure to conform to sexual norms.

Chapter 6: Resources and Community Support for Asexual People

The internet has been transformative for asexual visibility and community building. Before online communities emerged, most asexual people had no way of knowing others like them existed. Today, websites like the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), founded in 2001, serve as vital hubs where asexual people can connect, share experiences, and find validation. These online spaces have been crucial in developing terminology, creating resources, and fostering a sense of community among a dispersed population. Social media platforms have further expanded asexual community access. Tumblr, Reddit, Discord, and YouTube host thriving asexual communities where people share personal stories, educational content, and creative expressions of asexual identity. These platforms have democratized information sharing, allowing asexual people to connect across geographic and cultural boundaries. For many young asexual people especially, these online communities provide their first experience of acceptance and understanding. In recent years, in-person asexual communities have also grown. Meetup groups, conference gatherings, and local chapters of organizations like Asexual Awareness Week help bring asexual people together face-to-face. These gatherings provide opportunities for friendship, dating, and activism that complement online connections. Many cities now celebrate asexuality as part of Pride events, giving asexual people visibility within broader LGBTQ+ communities. Resources for asexual people and their allies have expanded dramatically. Books, articles, podcasts, and videos now address various aspects of asexual experience, from coming out to navigating relationships. Resources specifically for partners, family members, healthcare providers, and educators help create more supportive environments for asexual individuals. While these resources are still less abundant than those for other sexual orientations, their quality and accessibility continue to improve. Support for asexual people at different life stages is increasingly available. Young asexual people can find guidance on navigating adolescence and coming out to family. Adults can access information about dating, partnerships, and workplace issues. Older asexual adults who may have spent decades without the language to describe their experience can find communities that welcome their late-in-life discovery. These age-specific resources acknowledge that asexual people have different needs at different points in their lives. The increasing visibility of asexuality in mainstream media also provides important validation. When television shows like BoJack Horseman include explicitly asexual characters, or when celebrities openly discuss asexuality, it helps normalize this orientation for both asexual people and the general public. These representations, while still rare, signal progress toward broader societal acceptance and understanding of asexuality as a natural variation in human sexuality. For those seeking support, the most important message is that you are not alone. Whether you identify as asexual, are questioning your orientation, or want to support someone who is asexual, resources and communities exist to help you navigate this journey. The growing strength of these networks ensures that fewer asexual people will have to experience the isolation and self-doubt that previous generations faced without language or community to validate their experience.

Summary

Understanding asexuality fundamentally transforms how we think about human connection and intimacy. By recognizing that sexual attraction is just one of many forms of human connection—not a universal experience or necessity—we gain a more nuanced understanding of relationships and what makes them meaningful. Asexuality teaches us that emotional bonds, intellectual connections, aesthetic appreciation, and sensual enjoyment can exist independently of sexual desire, and that relationships built on these foundations are just as valid and fulfilling as those that include sexual attraction. This expanded perspective benefits everyone, not just asexual people. It invites us to question cultural assumptions that equate sexuality with humanity or maturity, and that position sexual relationships as inherently superior to other forms of connection. It encourages us to examine what we truly value in our relationships beyond societal scripts. What kinds of intimacy are most meaningful to you? How might recognizing the diversity of human experience and connection enhance your own relationships? As we continue to learn about the spectrum of human sexuality and attraction, we create space for everyone to form authentic connections that honor their unique desires and boundaries, ultimately enriching our collective understanding of what it means to be human.

About Author

Loading...

Julie Sondra Decker

I'm Julie and I'm primarily on Goodreads to share my reviews and interact with other book lovers, fantasy fans, and writers!I'm an author who writes both nonfiction and fiction. Most of my fiction is fantasy or speculative fiction. My nonfiction book, The Invisible Orientation, released September 2, 2014 from Skyhorse Publishing/Carrel Books.You can find out more about me at one of these places:My main author siteMy author blogMy YouTube account, with video tips for writersTwitter or FacebookMy webcomic about the writing life

Read more