The Lost Art of Connecting

The Lost Art of Connecting Plot Summary

Introduction

In our hyper-connected digital age, we find ourselves paradoxically more isolated than ever before. Despite the constant stream of notifications, likes, and virtual interactions, many professionals report feeling deeply disconnected. Studies show that meaningful relationships are essential not just for our personal happiness, but also for our professional success. Yet the quality of our connections continues to deteriorate as we substitute depth for breadth, authentic engagement for transactional networking. The path to genuine connection requires a fundamental shift in how we approach our relationships. Rather than asking "What can I get from this interaction?" we must learn to ask "How can I help?" This simple yet profound reorientation transforms networking from a self-serving activity into an opportunity for mutual growth and support. By mastering the art of meaningful connection, you'll not only build a constellation of relationships that enrich your life, but you'll discover that the depth and quality of these connections become your greatest competitive advantage in both business and life.

Chapter 1: Gather Your Network Stars

Building meaningful connections begins with recognizing that your network is not just a collection of random contacts but a constellation of unique individuals who can illuminate your path forward. The "Gather" phase focuses on bringing together the right people in your professional orbit - not by collecting business cards at networking events, but by creating genuine opportunities for connection. Susan McPherson, a self-described "serial connector," learned this approach from her parents who were natural relationship builders. Her mother would host meticulously planned open houses for her father's college colleagues, arranging everything from shaped cream cheese sandwiches to staggered guest arrivals. These gatherings weren't networking events; they were opportunities to foster real human connections. From her parents, McPherson learned that effective gathering isn't about transactional exchanges but about creating environments where people feel comfortable connecting. This approach transformed McPherson's career. In the early 1990s, while working at PR Newswire, she spearheaded monthly breakfast gatherings for communications professionals. The format was simple: meet for breakfast monthly, with each person bringing a new contact every other meeting. What began with just five people grew exponentially, and these relationships yielded not only business opportunities but friendships that have lasted over three decades. To start gathering your own network stars, focus first on who you already know rather than who you think you need to meet. Many people mistakenly believe they need to connect with specific high-profile individuals to advance their careers. In reality, every person in your existing network - regardless of their position or industry - has value to offer. The key is shifting your mindset from "I don't know the right people" to "How can I deepen connections with those I already know?" Be proactive about creating gathering opportunities rather than waiting to be invited to them. Host small, informal gatherings around shared interests or challenges. Start with just three or four people for coffee or a virtual meetup, and ask each to bring someone new next time. This creates an exponential growth effect while maintaining the intimacy needed for real connection. Remember that gathering isn't about impressing others or positioning yourself strategically - it's about creating spaces where genuine human connections can flourish. As McPherson discovered, people do business with people they feel comfortable with. The most valuable constellations form naturally when you focus on fostering authentic connections rather than collecting impressive contacts.

Chapter 2: Ask With Purpose

The "Ask" phase transforms superficial connections into meaningful relationships through a single powerful question: "How can I help?" This simple shift reorients interactions from what you can gain to what you can give, creating the foundation for deeper connection. When McPherson meets someone new, after initial pleasantries, she asks: "What is challenging right now, anything you need help with?" This unexpected approach immediately changes the dynamic of the conversation. Shiza Shahid, co-founder of the Malala Fund and CEO of Our Place, demonstrates how this helping mindset shapes extraordinary careers. When her friend Malala Yousafzai was shot at age 14, Shahid, then a 22-year-old McKinsey employee, asked herself how she could help. Rather than thinking about career stability, she focused on how her unique position could support Malala's mission. This led her to co-found the Malala Fund, launching an impactful organization and her own remarkable career trajectory. Later, noticing the lack of kitchenware brands celebrating global cultures, she created Our Place with the same question: how can I help people connect through cooking? The power of leading with help rather than need extends beyond initial meetings. Susan Danziger, founder of The Spark of Hudson, a learning center in Hudson, New York, used this approach during the COVID-19 pandemic. When the crisis hit, she immediately asked how she could help her community. Within weeks, she had organized food deliveries to healthcare workers, emergency grants for vulnerable families, and internet access for students without connectivity. Her focus on service rather than self-interest created powerful impact and strengthened her community relationships. To implement this approach effectively, start by understanding your unique expertise and what you genuinely enjoy offering. Adam Grant, author of "Give and Take," cautions that being a giver doesn't mean saying yes to every request. Instead, set boundaries around who, when, and how you help. Focus on what he calls "five-minute favors" - high-benefit, low-cost actions like sharing knowledge or making introductions that energize rather than exhaust you. When preparing for any meeting or interaction, think first about what you can contribute rather than what you might gain. Consider the person's challenges, interests, and goals, and identify specific ways you might support them. By approaching relationships with generosity and service, you create the conditions for deeper connection and mutual benefit. The most meaningful business relationships emerge not from strategic networking but from genuine offers of help. When you reorient your asking from "What can I get?" to "How can I help?" you not only build stronger connections - you discover your own purpose and path forward.

Chapter 3: Find Your Conversation Flow

Creating meaningful dialogue requires more than just talking - it demands intentional listening and thoughtful communication across various channels. In today's world, where business meetings happen through multiple platforms from Zoom calls to text messages, mastering conversation flow across these contexts is essential for building deep connections. Dr. Julian Treasure, a sound and communication expert whose TED talks have garnered over 100 million views, emphasizes that listening and hearing are fundamentally different. While hearing is biological, listening is the mental process of selecting things to pay attention to and ascribing meaning to them. He recommends the RASA process - Receive, Appreciate, Summarize, Ask - to improve listening skills. When you receive, you give your full attention to the speaker without multitasking. Appreciate means acknowledging through nods or affirming sounds. Summarize involves confirming your understanding, and Ask means engaging with thoughtful questions. This intentional listening becomes even more critical in digital environments. During the COVID-19 pandemic, CNN journalist Brooke Baldwin discovered the power of authentic digital connection when she became seriously ill. Too sick to work, Baldwin shared her experience on Instagram, and the supportive direct messages she received became her lifeline. "When I was up for it, I would start chipping away at my messages and respond," Baldwin said. "I heard from people who were grateful for the inspiration and that I didn't sugar-coat it. I heard from people who lost loved ones to COVID and wanted to just tell me their story." To improve your conversation flow, consider which communication medium best serves each relationship. Research shows that in-person meetings build trust through physical cues like handshakes and facial expressions that digital communication lacks. Yet virtual conversations can also create meaningful connection when approached thoughtfully. Fran Hauser, investor and former digital president for Time Inc., suggests starting virtual meetings by following up on something personal from your last conversation: "How did that client pitch go, Susan?" This simple practice acknowledges the other person's humanity beyond the business agenda. When digital communication is necessary, be explicit about your intentions and emotions since context is easily lost. Laurie Segall, former CNN technology correspondent and founder of Dot Dot Dot media company, recommends "overcommunicating" - using emojis to convey tone, reiterating meaning, and leaving voice messages instead of texts to restore humanity to digital exchanges. Whether in person or online, move beyond small talk to create deeper connection. Research published in Communication Theory identifies five layers of talk: impersonal communication, small talk, joking around, meaningful talk, and self-disclosure/affection. The deeper levels require vulnerability but create stronger bonds. Instead of asking "How was your weekend?" try "What are you most curious about right now?" or "What do you wish you had more time for?" Remember that genuine conversation flow emerges when you see the whole person across the screen or table - not as a transaction or a means to an end, but as a fellow human with fears, hopes, and a life beyond work.

Chapter 4: Create Lasting Constellations

Building a meaningful network isn't about collecting random contacts but creating a purposeful constellation of relationships that mutually support and illuminate each other. The true art of connection involves taking consistent, thoughtful actions that transform casual acquaintances into lasting, valuable relationships over time. After meeting someone new, McPherson emphasizes the importance of immediate follow-up - not with a generic "nice to meet you" message, but with a personalized connection that shows you were truly listening. For example, if someone mentioned they're traveling to London, follow up by asking, "How was your trip to London? Did you happen to grab lunch at Borough Market?" This demonstrates that you paid attention to what matters to them, making them feel seen and valued. Rachel Gerrol Cohen, CEO and co-founder of NEXUS, a global community of 6,000 members from 70 countries working to accelerate social solutions, demonstrated the power of creating lasting constellations during Hurricane Dorian. When the hurricane devastated the Bahamas, NEXUS members rapidly mobilized their collective resources - sending five Black Hawk helicopters and private planes that rescued over 1,000 people from rooftops within 24 hours. This emergency response wasn't led by disaster relief experts but by people who had built trusting relationships around shared values and were willing to help without waiting for permission. To create your own lasting constellation, Dr. David Rock, director of the NeuroLeadership Institute, offers insights through his SCARF model of social threat and reward. This model identifies five domains that activate our brain's reward circuits: status (feeling important to others), certainty (predicting the future), autonomy (sense of control), relatedness (feeling safe with others), and fairness (perception of fair exchanges). Understanding these social needs helps us create environments where relationships can flourish. Take action on advice you receive from others, then follow up to let them know you did so. If someone recommends a book, read it, then write to thank them for the suggestion. Research shows that when business leaders have their advice requested but not taken, it damages relationships. Conversely, following advice and acknowledging it builds trust and connection. Create rituals that strengthen bonds over time. Whether it's a monthly coffee meetup, regular check-in calls, or an annual gathering, these repeated interactions build what Harvard Business Review calls "shared synchrony" - a powerful form of connection. Erica Keswin, workplace strategist and author of "Rituals Roadmap," explains that rituals offer "psychological safety, purpose, and performance" - especially during times of change or challenge. Finally, look for each person's "chief differentiating factor" - what McPherson calls their unique "secret sauce." When you can reflect back to someone their special qualities or talents, particularly in moments when they might struggle to see their own value, you create a bond they'll never forget. As Brené Brown demonstrated during COVID-19 team meetings, asking thoughtful questions like "What two words describe how you're feeling today?" rather than the generic "How are you?" creates space for authentic sharing and deeper understanding. The constellation you create isn't random - it's a purposeful pattern of stars that illuminate your path and the paths of everyone connected to you.

Chapter 5: Become a Meaningful Connector

The ultimate evolution in the art of meaningful connection is becoming a connector who brings others together in service of something greater than yourself. This final transformation moves beyond building your own relationships to facilitating connections that create ripple effects of positive change throughout your network and the world. Ginny Suss exemplifies this connector mentality. As one of the founders and producers of the Women's March - which became the largest single-day protest in US history - Suss aligned herself with people doing important work rather than pursuing individual recognition. When asked how she landed in this pivotal role, she explained that it began with a simple, friendly invitation: "Hey—do you want to work on this together?" After the Women's March, she continued connecting women through the Resistance Revival Chorus, a collective of more than 60 women who unite to "breathe joy and song into the resistance." What started in a friend's Manhattan living room grew into a powerful movement that has performed at Carnegie Hall. Suss attributes this success to "the connection and network of women—passionate women aligned by a cause." Brandt Anderson, a film director and producer, demonstrates how unexpected connections can transform lives when approached with openness. On a bus ride in Tulum, Mexico, Anderson met Angela Mwanza, co-founder of UBS's Evergreen Management team. Their five-minute conversation led to a chain reaction of introductions that culminated in Anderson leading a filmmaking boot camp for refugee children living in Jordan's Azraq refugee camp. Another time, while buying a shirt before an international trip, Anderson mentioned to a sales associate his unsuccessful attempts to connect with a certain country's royal family. The associate replied, "That's funny, the King of that country was just in here and I have his cell number." The next day, Anderson was on a call with the king, who later became a great friend. To become a meaningful connector, McPherson suggests investing in people and causes you care about. After receiving an inheritance following her parents' deaths, she began angel investing in female-founded businesses. "When I started out investing," she explains, "I set my criteria to fund only women entrepreneurs who have created an innovative product or service, and to focus on those who could benefit from the support of my network or advice in addition to my financial contribution." These investments yielded returns far beyond financial gains, introducing her to extraordinary people and allowing her to learn about a wide range of growing businesses. The most effective connectors adopt what McPherson calls the "always take the meeting" ethos - staying open to unexpected encounters and continuously innovating on what "meetings" can look like. This doesn't mean overcommitting yourself but maintaining awareness that meaningful connections can happen anywhere - from the mailbox to the grocery store checkout line. Remember that becoming a connector isn't about expanding your influence but amplifying your impact. By bringing together people who might not otherwise meet, you create constellations of relationships that can tackle challenges no individual could solve alone. As McPherson reflects, "When you love what you do, and you love who you do it with—there really is no work at all."

Summary

The art of meaningful connection transforms how we engage in both business and life, replacing transactional networking with authentic relationship building. Through the Gather, Ask, Do method, we learn to create constellations of relationships that support mutual growth and positive change. The simple yet profound question "How can I help?" reorients our interactions from self-interest to service, establishing deeper trust and creating opportunities for genuine collaboration. As McPherson beautifully states, "When you live life according to The Lost Art of Connecting, you can make your life work and your work your life. It can all blend together into one big shining constellation, because it doesn't quite feel like work when it's meaningful." Today, take one small step toward more meaningful connection: reach out to someone in your existing network with no agenda other than to ask how they're doing and how you might support them. Instead of adding another name to your contact list, focus on deepening one relationship you already have. Remember that the most powerful networks aren't built through strategic positioning but through genuine care and the consistent practice of seeing others as whole human beings worthy of your attention and support. Your constellation is waiting to be illuminated by your willingness to connect with purpose and heart.

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Susan McPherson

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